Please help me do damage control with (former?) friends, if I even can.
April 30, 2013 8:41 PM Subscribe
My friends aren't speaking to me because of something very much my fault. How can I at least convince them to talk to me?
Last weekend, I was with a friend, A, whom I consider(ed?) close, and we were hanging out at A's friend B's apartment. We were drinking, and apparently I got too drunk. I don't remember anything that happened except B warning me to leave her house or else she would call an ambulance or the police. So I did.
I apologized the next morning to both parties. B essentially told me never to contact her again. Which is fair. A didn't answer. I emailed her the next day apologizing again, saying I really value her friendship, asking her to please respond even if it is to tell me never to contact her again. No response to this either. That was Monday morning. This is very distressing, because I considered her close and I care about her and worry about her (and she is both a friend and colleague) and literally a few hours before this happened, we were friends, and then it all vanished. I don't remember how it got to that point at all or any of the interim details or even feeling particularly drunk at any point, which makes it scarier, like at any given point everything can disappear and like I should not be around people at all.
What can I do? Can I even repair these friendships? Or at least get a response? What are the steps to take? Do I email again? Text again? Call (but we never talked on the phone, really, before)? What time of day is best? What do I say? What specific words can I use?
Another, much smaller but present, consideration: Some of my things are still at B's house. How do I get them back? Contacting B is not an option. A won't answer me. There are no roommates. I don't have any mutual friends who like me enough to intervene. So I'm at a loss there too.
And some requests:
- Please don't mention therapy. It is an entirely separate issue. I have already spoken to several people but the first essentially kicked me out saying they can't tell me what to do. Which is what I am trying to have here: people telling me what to do. I need practical advice on how to fix [i]this situation[/i]; think of it as triage. This is the critical situation. Everything else in my life is less important than fixing this.
- Please don't tell me I'm a horrible person or insult me. I know that I am; everyone is telling me so with their actions, anyway. I don't need more reminders.
Last weekend, I was with a friend, A, whom I consider(ed?) close, and we were hanging out at A's friend B's apartment. We were drinking, and apparently I got too drunk. I don't remember anything that happened except B warning me to leave her house or else she would call an ambulance or the police. So I did.
I apologized the next morning to both parties. B essentially told me never to contact her again. Which is fair. A didn't answer. I emailed her the next day apologizing again, saying I really value her friendship, asking her to please respond even if it is to tell me never to contact her again. No response to this either. That was Monday morning. This is very distressing, because I considered her close and I care about her and worry about her (and she is both a friend and colleague) and literally a few hours before this happened, we were friends, and then it all vanished. I don't remember how it got to that point at all or any of the interim details or even feeling particularly drunk at any point, which makes it scarier, like at any given point everything can disappear and like I should not be around people at all.
What can I do? Can I even repair these friendships? Or at least get a response? What are the steps to take? Do I email again? Text again? Call (but we never talked on the phone, really, before)? What time of day is best? What do I say? What specific words can I use?
Another, much smaller but present, consideration: Some of my things are still at B's house. How do I get them back? Contacting B is not an option. A won't answer me. There are no roommates. I don't have any mutual friends who like me enough to intervene. So I'm at a loss there too.
And some requests:
- Please don't mention therapy. It is an entirely separate issue. I have already spoken to several people but the first essentially kicked me out saying they can't tell me what to do. Which is what I am trying to have here: people telling me what to do. I need practical advice on how to fix [i]this situation[/i]; think of it as triage. This is the critical situation. Everything else in my life is less important than fixing this.
- Please don't tell me I'm a horrible person or insult me. I know that I am; everyone is telling me so with their actions, anyway. I don't need more reminders.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Hey, OP, please contact us using the contact form. Thanks. -- LobsterMitten
Yeah, but way overdrinking + the whole last paragraph of self hatred is part of the reason that you ABSOLUTELY need to seek therapy.
Anyway, 1) stop calling yourself a "horrible person." Owning up to your mistakes =/= emotionally flagellating yourself. 2) stop thinking you can make these people give you answers. You admit you screwed up, and you should give them time and space to deal. You contacted A and she rebuffed your advance. The ball is in her court now. 3) when you see A at work, be polite and professional. It will be easier for both of you if you don't bring your personal issues into the work environment.
posted by fireandthud at 8:52 PM on April 30, 2013
Anyway, 1) stop calling yourself a "horrible person." Owning up to your mistakes =/= emotionally flagellating yourself. 2) stop thinking you can make these people give you answers. You admit you screwed up, and you should give them time and space to deal. You contacted A and she rebuffed your advance. The ball is in her court now. 3) when you see A at work, be polite and professional. It will be easier for both of you if you don't bring your personal issues into the work environment.
posted by fireandthud at 8:52 PM on April 30, 2013
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Before I, or anybody else, gives you GREAT advice, I feel like a bit more info is needed.
Is alcoholism an issue?
I ask because this was my 2 friends real underlining issue. They weren't going to get their friends back until they acknowledged their drinking.
posted by QueerAngel28 at 8:51 PM on April 30, 2013