What we have here is a failure to communicate.
March 11, 2013 10:09 AM Subscribe
Our teenage son's voice is so low and hoarse that none of us can hear it.
Every one of his teachers has complained that this is causing problems. My son, tired of repeating himself, has started communicating by nodding, shaking his head and shrugging, which makes his teachers treat him as sullen and uncooperative. Which in turn has actually made him sullen and uncooperative.
My husband, who can only hear within a certain range, cannot have a conversation with him at all. This has led them to arguments and misgivings, in excess of the usual father/son dynamic.
I have spectacular hearing, and I can only get the gist of what he's saying or asking if there is no other competing noise. He and I are very close and talk often and openly. Because I can hear him, I'm actually the parent he confides in, to the point of making me a "middleman" in conversations between he and my husband. If I'm where I can't see him and he's speaking, or where I can't hear him no matter what, he will repeat himself two or three times (to no avail) and finally just decide that he doesn't need to speak after all, lapsing into long silences.
My husband has an appointment with an otolaryngologist to finally get a full hearing exam and fitting for hearing aids (his first in over a decade due to financial issues). Our son has an appointment scheduled for his standard physical to make sure this isn't a medical issue, though I'm not sure he'll actually speak to the doctor to relay this (he's 16; should I be going in with him?).
His high school counselor is pushing us to get him involved in drama, but my son is super-reserved and not inclined in this direction, and looks at me in horror when I suggested a vocal coach.
Does anyone here have experience with this? Is there anything we could be doing differently, or that we're not taking into consideration?
Every one of his teachers has complained that this is causing problems. My son, tired of repeating himself, has started communicating by nodding, shaking his head and shrugging, which makes his teachers treat him as sullen and uncooperative. Which in turn has actually made him sullen and uncooperative.
My husband, who can only hear within a certain range, cannot have a conversation with him at all. This has led them to arguments and misgivings, in excess of the usual father/son dynamic.
I have spectacular hearing, and I can only get the gist of what he's saying or asking if there is no other competing noise. He and I are very close and talk often and openly. Because I can hear him, I'm actually the parent he confides in, to the point of making me a "middleman" in conversations between he and my husband. If I'm where I can't see him and he's speaking, or where I can't hear him no matter what, he will repeat himself two or three times (to no avail) and finally just decide that he doesn't need to speak after all, lapsing into long silences.
My husband has an appointment with an otolaryngologist to finally get a full hearing exam and fitting for hearing aids (his first in over a decade due to financial issues). Our son has an appointment scheduled for his standard physical to make sure this isn't a medical issue, though I'm not sure he'll actually speak to the doctor to relay this (he's 16; should I be going in with him?).
His high school counselor is pushing us to get him involved in drama, but my son is super-reserved and not inclined in this direction, and looks at me in horror when I suggested a vocal coach.
Does anyone here have experience with this? Is there anything we could be doing differently, or that we're not taking into consideration?
Response by poster: Apologies in advance for thread-sitting. I shall vamoose immediately after this.
No, we haven't spoken to a specialist, but we figure the GP will refer us to one after his upcoming physical. We're thinking of relaying our concerns to the GP in writing, in advance of our son's appointment.
My son expresses himself very well in writing, and his teachers have complimented his vocabulary in the past, to add an extra layer of frustration to this.
posted by dean winchester at 10:15 AM on March 11, 2013
No, we haven't spoken to a specialist, but we figure the GP will refer us to one after his upcoming physical. We're thinking of relaying our concerns to the GP in writing, in advance of our son's appointment.
My son expresses himself very well in writing, and his teachers have complimented his vocabulary in the past, to add an extra layer of frustration to this.
posted by dean winchester at 10:15 AM on March 11, 2013
Best answer: He needs his own otolaryngologist and audiologist appointments so that he cannot avoid the issue, and then let them recommend a speech pathologist. You're likely to just get a random referral from the GP. Use a specialist to get routed to the appropriate specialist.
And then, if there are absolutely no medical issues, you can start looking into therapy for his assertiveness issues and speech pathology to help him learn to speak and be understood.
Don't use the word vocal coach, that's what you get to prepare for American Idol, so it's understandable that he would be horrified.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:17 AM on March 11, 2013 [15 favorites]
And then, if there are absolutely no medical issues, you can start looking into therapy for his assertiveness issues and speech pathology to help him learn to speak and be understood.
Don't use the word vocal coach, that's what you get to prepare for American Idol, so it's understandable that he would be horrified.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:17 AM on March 11, 2013 [15 favorites]
Yes, you should go into the doctor appointment with him. You don't have to stay for the physical, but go in with your son, explain the issue, get the referral and then leave to let the doctor do the physical.
posted by royalsong at 10:18 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by royalsong at 10:18 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah, he needs to be checked out, himself.
My brother did the low talking thing and a hearing check showed he was actually 50% deaf.
If his hearing and vocal cords are fine, therapy (speech and behavioural) could be a huge help and relief.
posted by batmonkey at 10:20 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
My brother did the low talking thing and a hearing check showed he was actually 50% deaf.
If his hearing and vocal cords are fine, therapy (speech and behavioural) could be a huge help and relief.
posted by batmonkey at 10:20 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
though I'm not sure he'll actually speak to the doctor to relay this (he's 16; should I be going in with him?).
Don't go in the examination room with him, but there's no reason you can't talk to the doctor beforehand about this. But certainly leave before any examination starts.
His high school counselor is pushing us to get him involved in drama,
Oh, wow, is that a horrible idea.
posted by spaltavian at 10:25 AM on March 11, 2013 [5 favorites]
Don't go in the examination room with him, but there's no reason you can't talk to the doctor beforehand about this. But certainly leave before any examination starts.
His high school counselor is pushing us to get him involved in drama,
Oh, wow, is that a horrible idea.
posted by spaltavian at 10:25 AM on March 11, 2013 [5 favorites]
FWIW, speech pathology exams are kinda entertaining -- I know I enjoyed having a photograph of my larynx! I went to a local university's speech and hearing clinic; no referral required.
posted by asperity at 10:34 AM on March 11, 2013
posted by asperity at 10:34 AM on March 11, 2013
As a high school special ed teacher who worked with kids with all kinds of disabilities, it's possible this is physical. It's also possible that it's not.
Just in case this is an emotional thing, I'd tread very carefully here in the sense that I would make the doctor's appointment now and not wait for his upcoming physical (at this age parents are asked to leave the room at some point, but you can always call the doctor before and discuss your concerns) and just mention to your son that this is just something that needs to get checked out, no big deal.
It may be physical, but it may not be.
If he checks out fine physically, then if I were you, I'd consider a psychological evaluation. Again, presented not as a big deal, just checking in with another specialist. And I'd go from there.
Definitely not being an alarmist (really) but the lowered voice can be a sign of depression or other emotional issues in teens.
But I'd get it evaluated sooner rather than later. And seconding don't start any type of vocal coach or drama intervention until you've got it sorted out physically and psychologically. And it should be an intervention that he feels okay about.
posted by kinetic at 10:39 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Just in case this is an emotional thing, I'd tread very carefully here in the sense that I would make the doctor's appointment now and not wait for his upcoming physical (at this age parents are asked to leave the room at some point, but you can always call the doctor before and discuss your concerns) and just mention to your son that this is just something that needs to get checked out, no big deal.
It may be physical, but it may not be.
If he checks out fine physically, then if I were you, I'd consider a psychological evaluation. Again, presented not as a big deal, just checking in with another specialist. And I'd go from there.
Definitely not being an alarmist (really) but the lowered voice can be a sign of depression or other emotional issues in teens.
But I'd get it evaluated sooner rather than later. And seconding don't start any type of vocal coach or drama intervention until you've got it sorted out physically and psychologically. And it should be an intervention that he feels okay about.
posted by kinetic at 10:39 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Son should get his thyroid checked, also.
posted by bleep at 10:42 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by bleep at 10:42 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
You should attend your doctor's appointment with your son, and also speak to the doctor beforehand privately about what is going on, but you absolutely should not be in the appointment itself with the doctor. Your child is 16 and needs some privacy, and you should be seeing a doctor who can be of help to the kiddo and develop a relationship with him until he leaves your home. Your child should also know what expectations of privacy he has between him and his medical professional. Your family values will decide what that level of privacy is but I would encourage you to be able to let him talk openly and frankly with doctors without "getting in trouble" (or feeling like he will get in trouble—same thing at that age!) for that. This is yet another weapon in your arsenal defending him from things like "causing unintended pregnancies" and the like.
And of course he looks at you in horror when you suggested a vocal coach! He's 16. That's the default expression. I'm glad you're addressing this. I didn't enjoy speech therapy either but it helped.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 10:46 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
And of course he looks at you in horror when you suggested a vocal coach! He's 16. That's the default expression. I'm glad you're addressing this. I didn't enjoy speech therapy either but it helped.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 10:46 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
Do go in with him and speak to the doctor. Insist on having his hearing checked, as well as his lungs. Does he take mostly shallow breaths? Is he able to be physically active? Is there a chance that he is asthmatic and speaks softly to conserve his breathing? Also have him evaluated for anxiety issues. You will most likely need family counseling to bridge the gap between your son and his father. Good luck!
posted by myselfasme at 10:57 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by myselfasme at 10:57 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Seconding getting his thyroid checked. Thyroid issues can result in a very hoarse or gravelly voice.
posted by HotToddy at 11:00 AM on March 11, 2013
posted by HotToddy at 11:00 AM on March 11, 2013
Best answer: Somebody (your son, preferably) needs to shoot an email or letter to every single one of his teachers explaining that his voice and use of pantomime is not due to rudeness or sullenness but rather a need to communicate while he figures out what might be medically wrong with his vocal chords. He is a good communicator when writing, right? Have him excercise that skill now.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:13 AM on March 11, 2013 [13 favorites]
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:13 AM on March 11, 2013 [13 favorites]
I think it would be better to get a doctors note for your son that you send to the school if he's comfortable with that. I think that will carry more weight with the adults. Framed as a possible medical condition might get you more accommodation from the school vs. having him branded as uncooperative.
Drama sounds like a truly horrible idea. If the docs suggest speech therapy or a vocal coach maybe try to express it to your son as something to make things easier for him and make it clear that it is not related to doing drama.
posted by oneear at 11:43 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Drama sounds like a truly horrible idea. If the docs suggest speech therapy or a vocal coach maybe try to express it to your son as something to make things easier for him and make it clear that it is not related to doing drama.
posted by oneear at 11:43 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
How long has this been going on?
The first thing you need to do is get him to a doctor and have physical issues ruled out - it could be polyps, could be a thyroid issue, could be something else.
And just in case, whenever you're having speech issues, it's always a good idea to get a hearing test.
If nothing immediate shows up in the physical, the doc will recommend you to an SLP (speech language pathologist) or an OT (occupational therapist), depending. It's more likely he'll go see an SLP.
IANASLP, and without knowing anymore than you've said here, but it sounds to me like he might be larygenelizing his speech, or talking with "creaky voice" or "vocal fry." This is quite literally caused by the vocal folds adducting and abducting (moving together and apart, more or less), very slowly, giving it that characteristic low, hoarse sound. There could be any number of things causing him to speak this way. An SLP could help him fix it. But he does need to fix it - it's more than just a communication issue. Over time, larygenelizing your speech can hurt your glottis.
posted by Lutoslawski at 11:45 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
The first thing you need to do is get him to a doctor and have physical issues ruled out - it could be polyps, could be a thyroid issue, could be something else.
And just in case, whenever you're having speech issues, it's always a good idea to get a hearing test.
If nothing immediate shows up in the physical, the doc will recommend you to an SLP (speech language pathologist) or an OT (occupational therapist), depending. It's more likely he'll go see an SLP.
IANASLP, and without knowing anymore than you've said here, but it sounds to me like he might be larygenelizing his speech, or talking with "creaky voice" or "vocal fry." This is quite literally caused by the vocal folds adducting and abducting (moving together and apart, more or less), very slowly, giving it that characteristic low, hoarse sound. There could be any number of things causing him to speak this way. An SLP could help him fix it. But he does need to fix it - it's more than just a communication issue. Over time, larygenelizing your speech can hurt your glottis.
posted by Lutoslawski at 11:45 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've had this problem my entire life, and I know it can be immensely frustrating for the people I talk with. I don't have any particular advice for how to solve the speech problem, but by far the most helpful thing for me is when someone can't hear what I am saying, that they calmly ask for me to repeat myself. For me it's really just a matter of reminding myself to speak up, which I can easily forget if I'm thinking instead about what I'm saying.
When people calmly and politely ask me to speak up, I can usually get back to an understandable level, but when they react with anger and frustration it just makes me want to cut the conversation short. I can understand the frustration, but when you add the element of anger into the interaction it completely throws me off guard and just makes it even more difficult for me to speak clearly.
posted by zixyer at 12:10 PM on March 11, 2013
When people calmly and politely ask me to speak up, I can usually get back to an understandable level, but when they react with anger and frustration it just makes me want to cut the conversation short. I can understand the frustration, but when you add the element of anger into the interaction it completely throws me off guard and just makes it even more difficult for me to speak clearly.
posted by zixyer at 12:10 PM on March 11, 2013
I came in to say basically what zixyer said. I am incredibly soft-spoken and always have been, and it makes such a massive and positive difference in communication when people are merely like, "Hey, didn't catch that, can you please repeat" (after which I get the hint and try to remember to speak up) versus snapping irritably, "I CANNOT hear you" or "I can't understand a WORD you're saying." When it's the latter, I'm sorry, but this conversation is over, my friend. I'm not doing it on purpose to annoy you and you're being just as rude as you presume I am.
posted by anderjen at 1:13 PM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by anderjen at 1:13 PM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
One thing struck me - you are the main person he speaks to? My youngest son has social anxiety and is selectively mute. He mumbles and has a low register as well - on the phone, I can barely hear him at all. He much prefers texting and will pantomime, grunt or do the "eyebrow" chat where I have to interpret his eyebrows rising in communication, especially when he's stressed out or upset. He will talk to his peers a little, but he refuses/is unable to speak to most of his teachers or strangers.
Social anxiety and selective mutism is not being shy, it's waves and waves of paralyzing and isolating anxiety and phobias. My son just started on a low dose of prozac to enable him to talk to a therapist for cognitive behavioral therapy. With treatment (therapy plus meds if needed), the vast majority of kids with social anxiety or selective mutism improve into calm, if not outgoing adults.
I hope it's simply a physical issue that can be fixed or accommodated, but consider getting a therapist who handles selective mutism involved if your son also any of the other signs - catastrophic thinking, fear of new people and situations, phobias, or the mutism is very clearly limited to specific people and places.
posted by viggorlijah at 6:57 PM on March 11, 2013
Social anxiety and selective mutism is not being shy, it's waves and waves of paralyzing and isolating anxiety and phobias. My son just started on a low dose of prozac to enable him to talk to a therapist for cognitive behavioral therapy. With treatment (therapy plus meds if needed), the vast majority of kids with social anxiety or selective mutism improve into calm, if not outgoing adults.
I hope it's simply a physical issue that can be fixed or accommodated, but consider getting a therapist who handles selective mutism involved if your son also any of the other signs - catastrophic thinking, fear of new people and situations, phobias, or the mutism is very clearly limited to specific people and places.
posted by viggorlijah at 6:57 PM on March 11, 2013
Has his voice always been like this, an increasing thing as he grew older or is this a brand new thing?
What came to mind for me was, 'respiratory papillomatosis'. Worth a google search anyways.
posted by tenaciousmoon at 7:21 PM on March 11, 2013
What came to mind for me was, 'respiratory papillomatosis'. Worth a google search anyways.
posted by tenaciousmoon at 7:21 PM on March 11, 2013
As for whether or not to go in the exam room with him, why not ask him what he prefers? My 16-year-old son prefers me to go in with him because he can't always remember the answers to the questions and because he hates to have to explain things to me afterward. I ask him every single time (mostly dermatologists visits right now, but with doctor visits, too) if he still wants me in there and I'll stop going in when he says no. Right now, though, he'd rather I was in there with him.
posted by cooker girl at 8:39 AM on March 12, 2013
posted by cooker girl at 8:39 AM on March 12, 2013
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