I need new cuss words

February 11, 2013 8:51 AM

I need new swear words. The old ones aren't doing it for me any more. The more offensive, violent, bizarre, and onomatopoetical, the better.

Please supply links and/or reliable sources. Extra points if they are from another language or culture.

posted by goethean to Writing & Language (87 answers total)

Response by poster: Including American subcultures!
posted by goethean at 8:52 AM on February 11, 2013

I like swearing in Spanish.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:54 AM on February 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I like swearing in Spanish.

I forgot to mention: pronunciation guides or audio files would be helpful.
posted by goethean at 8:55 AM on February 11, 2013

Are you looking solely for entirely new words, or also new phrases that might combine existing words in unfamiliar ways?
posted by dersins at 8:58 AM on February 11, 2013

If you want to go very old skool, this is the book for you: Depraved and Insulting English
posted by MuffinMan at 8:58 AM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

I like combining them in new ways, and making them into names:

Shitpants McFuckFace, attorney-at-law
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:59 AM on February 11, 2013 [4 favorites]

Have you considered sci fi profanity, you frelling son of a hazmot?
posted by fight or flight at 9:00 AM on February 11, 2013 [5 favorites]

Spanish swear words vary greatly from country to country, and it's worth noting that what may be considered mild in one place might be dueling-offensive someplace else.

My go-to favorite, carajo, is decidedly Caribbean (though I think it may be used in Spain as well). You can send someone there (Ve te al carajo), You can live way out there (vivo en casa carajo), or someone of the opposite sex can be as fine as one (ese chica es fina como un carajo).

Pronounced like it reads: car-A-ho, with the Cuban in me pronouncing the /r/ a bit like a /d/, so it'd be more like 'cad-A-ho', with a short-a, accent on the second syllable.
posted by jquinby at 9:05 AM on February 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

Carajo is one of my favorites. Thank you 12 years in Miami!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:10 AM on February 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

Here are some old ones, that may be new for you. Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you filthy bung, away!

posted by Gilgongo at 9:10 AM on February 11, 2013

If I recall my college Italian correctly, "cazzo" (pronounced cat-zo) is the worst swear word you can think of. Che cazzo vuoi?=What the fuck do you want?
posted by Melismata at 9:15 AM on February 11, 2013

I forgot to mention: pronunciation guides or audio files would be helpful.

As a multilingualist, I really recommend against using profanity from languages that you don't speak. You know how little kids sound when they try to swear for the first time? That's how comically it often comes off when one swears in a language they don't know. It's like in one of the English classroom scenes from Good Morning Vietnam:

Cronauer: "Now, we got a special situation right now. Okay, there's a Puerto Rican waitress. She brings you a little thing of red soup. She got some tomato soup. Oh, she slips, she spills it on your brand new gaberdine pants that you paid more than a color TV for. You're a little angry, so you lay to her... Minh?"
Vietnamese Student Minh: "Uh, look what you did and goddamn it and stupid and crap."
Vietnamese Student: "That's stupid. You don't call someone crap."
Tuan: "No, you step on crap. You don't call it to a person."
Vietnamese Student: "You can step on crap. I know you can."
Vietnamese Student: "They can be full of shit. He said."
Cronauer: "No, no. You see, you step in shit, you can be full of crap."
Vietnamese Student: "I'm pretty sure you can step in crap. I once saw it in a French movie."
Vietnamese Student: "How can some person look like a shit? It's impossible."
Cronauer: "I think... okay, we can stop with the debate on the great ca-ca right now. Let's try a very special situation."

I would second f or f's suggestion of sci-fi/fictional expletives.
posted by Tanizaki at 9:17 AM on February 11, 2013 [8 favorites]

I am personally fond of one I discovered in a science fiction novel, The Wellstone.

Say it with me: Jesus H. Bloodfuck.
posted by adipocere at 9:20 AM on February 11, 2013

Fucknuts.
posted by scratch at 9:21 AM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

Dicksplash.
posted by essexjan at 9:23 AM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

I believe I got the delightfully inane "busfucker" from a Natalie Dee comic, but I can't spend the time searching the archives to back that up.
posted by SeedStitch at 9:24 AM on February 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

I am partial to fucknugget and assjacket.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:25 AM on February 11, 2013

Agree with Tanizaki that cussin' in a foreign language is not for novices but if you're read to embark upon a new adventure and committed to disciplined study - try profanity Québec style.

Sacrer

Swearing Lessons from the film Bon Cop, Bad Cop.
posted by faraasha at 9:28 AM on February 11, 2013 [8 favorites]

Three exclamations often overheard here at casa dersins:

- Christing fuck! (shamelessly appropriated from Pastabagel)

- Cuntballs! (courtesy of mrs. dersins)

- Cunting fuckballs! (my spin on her jam)
posted by dersins at 9:33 AM on February 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

I like furshlugginer. (But I don't use it.)
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 9:34 AM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

Shitheel. Fucksquatch. Assdick. Buttcunt.
posted by mean cheez at 9:40 AM on February 11, 2013

I've been leaning hard on fuckwad lately.
posted by txmon at 9:41 AM on February 11, 2013

twatwaffle?
posted by Lucinda at 9:42 AM on February 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

I know someone who says "Fuck a duck!" alot.
posted by cabingirl at 9:44 AM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

"fuck me harder", "fuck me sideways", "fuck me with a galliano bottle" all work.
my all-purpose profanity replacement is "oh, piffle", which is what I say when saying "jesus fucking christ, fuck me with a chainsaw" would be ... inappropriate.

others: "pigfucker", "shitstain", "dogfucker"
posted by rmd1023 at 9:50 AM on February 11, 2013

Here's a handy li'l cussin' device!
posted by Dr. Wu at 9:51 AM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

Chinese (cantonese) swear words are some of the worst ever - and reflect very very poorly on both the user and those who the swear words are being directed at. I have to tell you to use them very sparingly - they are jarring, will forever change how people view you, and can, quite litterally, result in a black eye. They can't even be used jokingly.

With the disclaimer out of the way - here we go:

dui (pronounced like ewww): fuck (as in to to copulate nastily)
dui lay: fuck you
dui lay lo mo hai: fuck your mother's c----
chow (pronounced like ow) hai: stinking c---- - this is a very useful one to use with your friends.

Now putting it all together for the worst one of them all

dui lay lo mo chow hai: fuck your mother's stinking c----

I need a shower.
posted by helmutdog at 9:52 AM on February 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

I've heard "guttercunt" in recent conversation. That's a new one for me.

As for a few in Russian--
SOO-ka= bitch
der-MO= shit
ZHO-pa= ass
blyad= whore; also used as a general insult
pee-ZDA= cunt
hooy= dick
posted by dysh at 9:52 AM on February 11, 2013

On occasion I describe a person of low character as a turdbucket. I got it from somewhere many years ago so I don't remember the provenance.
posted by CincyBlues at 10:01 AM on February 11, 2013

One of the more offensive ones we came up with in college:

Christ on a slicer!
posted by mollweide at 10:10 AM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

My Danish friend used to say "funky dog," which makes up in charm what it lacks in crass-ness. Also, George W. Bush used to affectionately call Karl Rove "Turdblossom" which is an all around winner.
posted by mermily at 10:12 AM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

In my home, a really terrible person is called a shitbreakfast.
posted by queensissy at 10:17 AM on February 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

I prefer gender-neutral swears and insults, so I say things like:

You fuckstick!
Christ on a cracker!
Jackass!
Or simply: Motherfucking cocksucker!

My mother is fluent in Spanish and can make a Mexican sailor blush, but the only Spanish swear I use is "pinche" (PEEN-chay), which effectively means "fuckin' worthless" or just "fuckin'." As in: "My pinche sister ate all the pinche cookies! What a fuckstick!"
posted by Specklet at 10:26 AM on February 11, 2013

One of my dad's favorites he found as graffiti on a truckstop bathroom wall: "Needle-dick bug-fucker."
posted by teleri025 at 10:32 AM on February 11, 2013

Theres nothing quite as satisfying as to shout godverdomme with a true Dutch "g". (I know. Some people find it offensive...the "g" I mean)
posted by Namlit at 10:43 AM on February 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles in a thundering typhoon, you addlepated Anacoluthon! You should definitely familiarize yourself with Captain Haddock's insults:

http://www.tintinologist.org/guides/lists/curses.html
posted by scolbath at 10:47 AM on February 11, 2013

You should stick to the three Justice Department approved swear words, stomm ('shit'), drokk ('fuck') and grud ('god'). Using unsanctioned profanities may net you up to five years in Iso-Cube.
posted by Orchestra at 10:56 AM on February 11, 2013

I've always wanted to pull off swearing in Cajun. I'm now picturing the opening scene of Full Metal Jacket dubbed in it.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 10:57 AM on February 11, 2013

Yiddish is fun, if you're Jewish, it's super creative and just sounds damn mean no matter what you're saying.

For instance "Dos moyl zol im fun hintn shteyn."
"His mouth should be in his rear."

"Eyn imglik iz far im veynik. "One misfortune is too few for him."

Having said that, if you didn't grow up in a Jewishy family and you try to say something in Yiddish with Jews around, you will be laughed out of the room.

I have never been so insulted to read someone spell "hutspaw" on these interwebs.

If you are Jewish, I recommend Just say Nu by Michael Wex.
posted by Sophie1 at 11:01 AM on February 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

'Shitting' is very satisfying - 'What the shitting christ is going on?'

The real swearing connoisseur looks to the Finns:

Suksi vittuun - Go ski up a cunt
Paskaa syövä koiranraiskaaja - Shit eating dog rapist
Vittujen kevät ja kyrpien takatalvi! - according to Wiki: paraphrased, "Holy fucking shit!" or literally "The spring of cunts and the late winter of dicks!"
posted by spectrevsrector at 11:03 AM on February 11, 2013 [18 favorites]

One of the more offensive ones we came up with in college: Christ on a slicer!

"Christ on a sidecar" is how I heard that from a director I worked with once. Another one I got, from an actor in another show, was "Dicks ahoy". And another actress from yet another show had an entire song she made up that began "shit damn fuck-a-damn, fuck-a-damn-damn". And I also picked up "scheiss" from another actor who spent a good deal of time in Germany.

What I'm also saying is, hang around with theater people and you'll pick up a lot.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:17 AM on February 11, 2013

Oh - and if you ever need a more PG-rated one (in case, say, you have very young children or nieces or nephews), I'm finding "monkey butt" quite satisfying. (I accidentally was thus the pathogen for Butt Humor in my niece's world as a result, but hey.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:21 AM on February 11, 2013

Dinky dick!
posted by mareli at 11:24 AM on February 11, 2013

Came in here to mention carajo and coño: Spanish swear words a former coworker would combine in all sorts of interesting ways. In the absolute worst situations he would just go with "Carajo coño! Coño carajo!"
posted by Rock Steady at 11:30 AM on February 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

i learned these great ones from dan savage:
shit the bed
shit-show or "screaming shit-show"
fuck the fuck off

i learned this from noel gallagher:
"holy fucking shit balls"

i learned this from Insane Clown Posse - which is fun, if people get/know,
"fucking magnets"

also,
a "fancy fuck" (rich, uptight, unaware asshole types)
go fuck yourself passionately
posted by mrmarley at 11:31 AM on February 11, 2013

I grew up in a Nova Scotian family, and our swearwords are all religious. My father's favourite is "Judas Priest!", and my mother's is "Jesus Murphy!"

I don't know, I kind of like those better than the usual "fuck" and things.
posted by LN at 11:39 AM on February 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

It's funny, I was just "discussin' cussin'" with our almost-12 year old son. He has a new Little League coach this year, and this coach "uses some bad language," which was the impetus for this conversation.He's a sweet kid and still pretty naive, and he doesn't like swearing; I think the fury of the delivery and the hard consonant sounds make him uncomfortable. He was genuinely a bit confused as to why we needed to use swear words. I told him he didn't need to use them if he didn't want to, or to feel older, or to fit in, but he'd appreciate them if he ever hit his finger with a hammer or accidentally backed the car into a pole.

God, I vaguely remember being that innocent when I was around his age. It is a funny thing, and once you lose it you really don't get it back.

That said...I really like "busfucker" -- thanks for the tip!
posted by mosk at 11:39 AM on February 11, 2013

A Facebook friend of mine is the king of surreal cursing that you could say around your grandma. A small sampling:

Black Jesus and Jupiter's Thunder!
By Hawking's Chair!
Sweet Hologramic Tupac!
By the Blunderbuss of Minerva!
posted by scody at 11:42 AM on February 11, 2013 [6 favorites]

Dickhole
posted by defreckled at 12:00 PM on February 11, 2013

' the yotz?!

cantonese is truly my favorite to swear in. but you do need at least the basic understanding of the language and pitches. and yeah you have to know what you're doing or it will wendell. (e.g. "sei baahk po leih fai D sei lah" - this is great to use in supermarkets but you really have to mean it)

also I'm not sure if this was from pratchett, but I recently came across this whole "colors" thing - "' you seven colors of bastard", "' suffer in the four colors of hell" etc. which was rather charming.
posted by dorian at 12:10 PM on February 11, 2013

In contemporary colloquial use in Ireland:

Arse
Arse licker
Hoor
Gobshite
Feck / Fecker
Maggot
Langer
posted by DarlingBri at 12:52 PM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

I've always liked 'Shitfight' to describe something that's a real mess.

'Cuntface' is pretty insulting, 'cause jeez what a mental image.
posted by Pecinpah at 1:12 PM on February 11, 2013

You could always learn from a master!
posted by neilb449 at 1:25 PM on February 11, 2013

I'm lately fond of 'fuckwit' and 'dickweed'. Especially fond of dickweed. I've accidentally passed it to a few people. Both of these are things you call people, as in "You dickweed," delivered with as much contempt as you can possibly muster.
posted by vulgar_wheat at 1:30 PM on February 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

Jackhole! Technically it's not a swear word, but it sure sounds like one!

I also second sci-fi swearing, as it won't offend folks who actually know a language. Frak you!
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:13 PM on February 11, 2013

I usually use "Christ on a cracker!" as a curse.
I also say "Fuck a goat" often.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 2:14 PM on February 11, 2013

"Shut your cock holster" to someone who won't be quiet.

Also, here is a Insult Dictionary that looks fun.
posted by Nickel Pickle at 2:26 PM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

Peckerhead!
posted by islander at 2:48 PM on February 11, 2013

...onomatopoetical...

I'm personally a fan of cockgobbler, because it's like saying "you give fellatio like a noisy turkey".
posted by subject_verb_remainder at 3:12 PM on February 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Hungarians have few peers in swearing.

A few of my favorites:
Az isten bassza meg - God should fuck it. (phonetic: AHZ EESH-tahn BOSS-aw MEG)
Lófasz a seggedbe - A horse's cock in your ass. (phonetic: LO-fahs AH SHEG-ed-beh)
posted by DirtyOldTown at 3:32 PM on February 11, 2013

I have been watching Battlestar Galactica and catch myself saying "Frak!" now.
posted by sarah_pdx at 3:41 PM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

Leave this place you whoreson, you congealing afterbirth, do not return.
posted by TheRedArmy at 3:56 PM on February 11, 2013

Alex DeLarge of 'A Clockwork Orange' was a great source for these such as, "Ho, ho, ho! Well, if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarbles, you eunuch jelly thou!"
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 4:53 PM on February 11, 2013

Fartknocker.
posted by yoga at 5:07 PM on February 11, 2013

Based on the one you favorited - the majority of the Chinese phrases on Firefly were curses, including:

"Ai-yah. Tyen-ah..." = "Merciless hell..."

"BUN tyen-shung duh ee-DWAY-RO." = Stupid inbred stack of meat.

"FAY-FAY duh PEE-yen" = "a baboon's ass-crack"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:08 PM on February 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

You could also rewatch episodes of Inside the Actors Studio and collect things from the "what's your favorite curse word" responses (Robert Downey Jr.'s "Sunovacocklovingwhore" and Russel Crowe's "fuck me swinging" may appeal).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:10 PM on February 11, 2013

Thank you, EmpressCallipygos! I had forgotten about Natalie Portman's favourite curse word!
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 5:15 PM on February 11, 2013

My normally very soft-spoken mother's special, which I have inherited:

"Shitbombs!"
posted by ostro at 8:33 PM on February 11, 2013

Also, I'd advise you to stick to curses in English and/or other languages you are fluent in. Not least because many of the people I've met who intentionally learn curses (and only curses) in other languages are so pleased with themselves for learning them that they're constantly pausing after they use them to explain to everybody what they mean.
posted by ostro at 8:50 PM on February 11, 2013

Mefi's own languagehat wrote a book on this, Uglier Than a Monkey's Armpit, about weird curses in other languages.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:41 PM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm usually singing out a boring one word profanity, but I do love creativity and alliteration.

foxfixin' forkfucker

condensed crap on a cracker

People that can riff on the Jesus Christ swears have my admiration.
Jumpin' Jesus Christ in a Camero
Christ on a purple pogo stick
posted by BlueHorse at 10:30 PM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

Needle dick bug fucker? Isn't that from Daniel Clowes?
posted by Tom-B at 10:57 PM on February 11, 2013

A French guy I know frequently expostulates in endearingly accented English, "What the shit is this fuck?" I want more people to use this phrase.
posted by lollusc at 10:57 PM on February 11, 2013 [4 favorites]

I'll shove the cold end of a red hot poker up your ass! Why the cold end? So you can't pull it out!
posted by Tom-B at 11:19 PM on February 11, 2013

I'm pretty sure I stole 'oh for the fuck of shit' from somebody here, but I'm too lazy to search. Enjoy!
posted by Space Kitty at 11:41 PM on February 11, 2013

Fuck-knuckle.
Fist muppet.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 3:27 AM on February 12, 2013

I'm partial to Futurama's "Great Zombie Jesus!".
posted by mmoncur at 3:58 AM on February 12, 2013

Cuntpuffin. Applicable in a wide variety of situations.
posted by Acarpous at 3:58 AM on February 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm pretty sure I stole 'oh for the fuck of shit' from somebody here, but I'm too lazy to search.

I saw it too, in response to something I'd said. (In a positive way, I should stress.)

In that vein - another Mefite once pleased me with the phrase "holy fucking dickbeans."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:10 AM on February 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

Shitfuck

Christfuck

Dickbag

Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick (From the immortal "Stuart", by The Dead Milkmen)

Bitches and sons of bitches; whores and mothers of whores. (I made the second part up as a corollary to the first whilst climbing a mountain and realizing that we were going to get caught by darkness before we got down. In fact we were.)

There are all manner of rearrangements possible (mother-christ-fuck!), but those are easy enough to come up with. I shall think on the possibility of more creative ones.
posted by Because at 4:15 AM on February 12, 2013

Almost forgot "Fuck the heck?"
posted by Rock Steady at 5:00 AM on February 12, 2013

And "fuck the heck" has reminded me of "que le fuck", which I saw online when someone (whom I assume was studying French) saw something they didn't understand.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:48 AM on February 12, 2013

Eponysterical.

I believe Roger's Profanisaurus is what you are looking for......
posted by lalochezia at 6:23 AM on February 12, 2013

Contributed previously, but always my go-to: "acking fusshole."
posted by dlugoczaj at 8:02 AM on February 12, 2013

Growing up in SoCal I picked up a bit of Mexican-Spanish and about all that's left are the wonderful swear words (as referenced above).

I also like Irish/Catholic terms: Jesus, Mary and Joseph! or Holy Mary, Mother of God!
posted by deborah at 11:34 PM on February 12, 2013

EmpressCallipygos: I've usually gone with "Qu'est-ce fuck", often expanded to "oh, qu'est-ce fuck avec [whatever it is]"
posted by rmd1023 at 4:50 AM on February 13, 2013

I've been tempted to steal "Jesus, Mary and Oprah!" from Tom & Lorenzo, but I don't feel I could do it justice.

Be braver than me.
posted by Space Kitty at 12:36 AM on February 14, 2013