Porn 101

August 31, 2005 3:52 PM

I want to introduce my (semi-sheltered) wife to porn DVDs and erotica books without scaring her off.

We're working on our sex life, trying to expand on it and try new things. She's a bit reluctant but willing to try. She hasn't seen any porn and generally considers it to be exploitive and demeaning to women. I can understand her point but I know there also exists "women friendly" porn and erotica.

I don't want cheesy softcore, I want something explicit. But I also don't want to scare her or turn her off. I've looked into books like "Sweet Life: Erotica for couples", the reviews say they're great for newbies and then go on to talk about the rape fantasy stories and "my first anal fisting." You know, those fantasies that "all" couples have. That's just not going to work. I know I can find stories on-line but I'm looking for a book we can curl up with in bed.

The "porn for newbies" DVDs over at places like Good Vibrations all seem to have anal or three way scenes and the obligatory facials. A little bit of anal (fingering or rimming) might be ok but I want to avoid the "oh god yes fuck my ass!" bullshit. I don't mind if there's a money shot as long as it's not the typical degrading scene of the woman begging for it to shoot up her nose.

Basically, I want to find porn and erotica that contains loving couples having good sex, exploring fantasies and trying different things without being too out there, some sense of story (it's porn, I know, so I'm not expecting Oscar material), an emphasis on women enjoying themselves as much as the men, regular, non-anorexic women who aren't pumped up with silicone, and scenes that aren't going to make my wife leave the room in disgust.

Does this exist or am I just going to have to film it myself? That's a whole 'nother anonymous thread.

Helpful answers only. Please don't question my motives. My wife and I both know why we're doing what we're doing.

posted by anonymous to media & arts (29 comments total)

It's hard to find vid porn that doesn't come on strong, and especially that doesn't have the "enhanced" women with transparently fake responses. Have you thought about starting with a different medium? Books some to mind. Nancy Friday's anthologies must be way out of date by now, but there must be contemporary equivalents available at your local Barnes & Noble. You've got much better odds of finding that loving couple type of interaction there than in a San Fernando Valley production.

Is there a movie or tv series she really gets into? There's a ton of erotic fanfic out there, ranging wildly in their quality and sexual extremes, but if you can find the right archive for her comfort level she may find it easier to get into a scenario that comes pre-packaged with a fully-developed sense of "story" already ingrained in her mind.

If she needs even less bracing porn, there's always Harlequin Romances and their ilk. Maybe not your cup of tea, but lots of women get off on it.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 4:13 PM on August 31, 2005

I don't want cheesy softcore, I want something explicit.

Any reason why you want her to jump into the deep end when she doesn't know how to swim?

If she's as sheltered as you say, you're going to have to start her off with the basics. Maybe a few porn mags, then cheesy softcore, then something a little kinkier. Let her decide what she's interested in and take it from there. It just may be that what turns her on the most is the simple stuff.

On the other hand....
posted by Kickstart70 at 4:21 PM on August 31, 2005

Maybe start off with some amateur (as in, normal looking non-cybernetically enhanced) lesbian porn (mostly kissing, then moves on to digits, toys, &c)?
posted by PurplePorpoise at 4:26 PM on August 31, 2005

Check out Babeland, formerly Toys in Babeland. They're good folks and should be willing to recommend text or video pr0n.
posted by stet at 4:29 PM on August 31, 2005

Good Vibrations may have what you're looking for.

I don't have any titles to recommend (though, something like Henry and June might be a good warmup), but I suggest you disregard any recommendations for The Devil in Miss Jones, "the arty porn film". Bad. 70's hair porn. Borderline scat.
posted by mkultra at 4:30 PM on August 31, 2005

Also try www.blowfish.com
posted by goalyeehah at 4:31 PM on August 31, 2005

These are put out every year, and quite delicately scrumptious.
posted by Specklet at 4:54 PM on August 31, 2005

Good Vibrations may have what you're looking for.

Um, he just said: "The "porn for newbies" DVDs over at places like Good Vibrations all seem to have anal or three way scenes and the obligatory facials."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 5:09 PM on August 31, 2005

There are explicit DIY videos for beginners to lovemaking, self help, etc etc. You presumably wouldn't actually learn anything from them, and probably have some laughs that some things apparently aren't obvious enough that they must be spelled out and demonstrated as if they're advanced stuff, but at the end of the day, it's an hour or two of attractive, nekkid, non-enhanced people having real sex in a loving way, in a variety of ways, with very little potential for interpretations of exploitation. Maybe something like that could be a gateway drug :)
posted by -harlequin- at 5:38 PM on August 31, 2005

Ah, blocked that part out...

But still, honestly, I'd trust the judgment of those folks, or Toys in Babeland.
posted by mkultra at 5:43 PM on August 31, 2005

Please don't construe this as "not helpful," but there is the possibility that she doesn't REALLY want to experiment, and is saying so only to please you -- perhaps at the expense of what sex life you already have. Only a consideration -- not trying to rain on your parade, so to speak -- but please carefully evaluate your motives and her motives. Learning and engaging in "harder core" sex may backfire.
posted by davidmsc at 5:48 PM on August 31, 2005

Candida Royale is a producer who makes porn aimed at women (never seen her work, though, so I don't know if it contains any of the elements you're trying to avoid). When I googled for a link to add to her name, this site came up -- looks like it might provide some answers to your question.
posted by nixxon at 5:52 PM on August 31, 2005

Older stuff like Anais Nin?
posted by crabintheocean at 6:10 PM on August 31, 2005

What about romance novels? Or novels marketed as "romantica," that is, romance novels with lots of hot sex in them. Because they're specifically made with women's fantasies in mind and not men's, they tend to be a little friendlier to the average timid woman.
posted by Jeanne at 6:29 PM on August 31, 2005

I would definitely second Anais Nin! Tres sexy and VERY female friendly. Might be a little too "soft" for you, but perfect for her.

Videos, just by their very nature, tend to be a bit hard. I like a storyline, some character development, a bit of softness and longing. There are some very sexy mainstream movies as well as some softer videos, like the Red Shoe Diaries. The Red Shoe videos are available through Netflix.
posted by jeanmari at 6:45 PM on August 31, 2005

If I were you I'd look into getting 'erotic' cinema. Stuff like "Sex and Lucia" or whatever. Most 'porno' is super cheap and super ridiculous.
posted by delmoi at 7:08 PM on August 31, 2005

Find some slash/het fanfic that builds on something she likes - Star Trek, Harry Potter, even Sherlock Holmes! Most of this stuff is text, but some has illustrations as well.

At least this may have familiarity as a jumping-off point...
posted by zadcat at 7:17 PM on August 31, 2005

I'd recommend the early stuff by Andrew Blake --- Night Trips, House of Dreams, etc. Very beautiful, good production values, lots of slow motion, very fashionable. But also very sexy. No plots, though.

If you want plots, I'd recommend movies from Vivid. The acting is never going to be great, but at least you get the sense that these people have learned their lines, and that there's something of a real story. Caveat: it's been a few years, so I'm not sure what their current stuff is like.

All of these are going to have "cum shots" in them, i.e. the guy won't be inside the woman when he cums. He'll cum visibly, most often on some part of the woman. But it won't get into the more grotesque stuff you seen in the real down-and-dirty low budget movies.

Oh, and I'll second the recommendation for romance novels. I read a couple recently and I was positively scandalized by how much dripping wet sex there was in there. I think this is some kind of secret kept by women who want to appear respectable as they get themselves worked up on the subway.
posted by alms at 7:42 PM on August 31, 2005

Have you ever seen Little Mutt? They've got videos of all descriptions, both downloadable and available for purchase on DVD. Mainly it's FF or FF+ action, but there is some very, very good MF stuff too. No plots (or very, very thin plots), but the action is often quite sensual (but still hardcore) and you get the impression that the participants would probably be doing this even if the cameras weren't there (there are a few exceptions, but by and large they seem to be into it). This is some of the only porno I've ever seen that actually interests me.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:05 PM on August 31, 2005

This is Candida Royalle's website. Also, Violet Blue has a guide to adult videos--among other things. Does she like the Jean Auel books? She's explicit about everything--although consensual sex doesn't occur until the second book.
posted by brujita at 9:05 PM on August 31, 2005

I'm sorry, but the whole "my wife is sheltered and I need to expose her to hardcore erotica for hot sex" is crap. I'm sure you do both know what you're doing, but being condescending like that isn't going to get you very far.

Having said that, why not start out with something a bit funnier? This one gets good reviews.
posted by barnone at 9:11 PM on August 31, 2005

http://www.eroticmassage.com might have something for you if you decide the “plot” part is a wash-out. And check out the individual web presence of some of the instructors, too. Some interesting stuff.
posted by dpcoffin at 12:38 AM on September 1, 2005

If your girlfriend's not squicked by girl-on-girl, I'd recommend "How to Fuck in High Heels" by Jackie Strano and Shar Rednour. It's fairly hard-core, but also really well written and acted, and funny as hell.
posted by Tomatillo at 12:43 AM on September 1, 2005

Seconding (thirding, whatever) erotic mainstream/borderline cinema. Speaking as a bi girl who loves porn and erotica (but gets most of it online), girl-on-girl does ~nothing~ for me whatsoever and I certainly wouldn't recommend it as a way of getting your wife into porn.

I feel so wrong typing this at work.
posted by corvine at 5:40 AM on September 1, 2005

I'm surprised no one has mentioned this already: amateur porn may be a good place to start. It has real people, they don't scream "oh yes fuck my ass," and the power dynamic is different from your mainstream Burbank, CA output.
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:21 AM on September 1, 2005

Erotic mainstream? Don't you find that the extraneous "someone's got to die because then it's drama and serious, not porn" storylines break the mood?

I find these movies to be, generally, terribly depressing and not erotic at all.
posted by Caviar at 9:09 AM on September 1, 2005

If you're into buying ebooks, try this publisher. The most erotic stuff for me is when you CAN'T see all the parts. For instance, the sex scene between Angelina Jolie and Ethan Hawke in the movie "Taking Lives" was the most erotic thing I've seen in months. The imagination is a big part of erotica, IMHO. *shrugs*
posted by cass at 9:38 AM on September 1, 2005

The link section on Annie Sprinkle's site might have some good leads.
posted by Jack Karaoke at 10:28 PM on September 1, 2005

I bought some books at Barnes and Noble when I worked there: the Illustrated History of Erotica Volumes 1,2, and 3, published by Caroll and Graf. Amazon Link to first book.

It has some erotic stories and is more intellectual (in that it details some actual history of the subject, and is not just good old smut. She might like the intellectual aspect of it, and some of the stories are good to get off to as well.

Hope this helps.
posted by Yellowbeard at 8:44 PM on September 5, 2005