Relationship Drama
November 22, 2012 10:21 PM Subscribe
Couple living together. He is (verbally) abusive.
He is not on the lease, does not pay rent. (GF/BF situation).
The girl wants to get rid of him. What are her options?
What are his rights? Does he have any?
They live together probably over one year.
City: NYC
Response by poster: Thanks. (I am actually asking in behalf of the girl)
posted by yoyo_nyc at 10:43 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by yoyo_nyc at 10:43 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Tell the landlord. Warning. Eviction notice. Police. Change the locks. End of story.
posted by phaedon at 10:53 PM on November 22, 2012
posted by phaedon at 10:53 PM on November 22, 2012
Best answer: I'm not a lawyer, but from a layman's point of view, it looks like this may grant him some rights, because he has resided there for more than 30 days. And this looks like it may be a DIY process in NYC for getting a roommate or non-paying "licensee" out.
I'd seriously worry about his abuse escalating if she goes through this process while living with him. The landlord, her family, friends, nearby women's shelter, etc. are all potential resources to consider.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 11:08 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'd seriously worry about his abuse escalating if she goes through this process while living with him. The landlord, her family, friends, nearby women's shelter, etc. are all potential resources to consider.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 11:08 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
She should try to figure out how to move out. How long is her lease? How much will it cost to break it, and can she afford it? She should ask her landlord. If she can find a new place the fact that he lives there is no longer any of her concern.
posted by brainmouse at 11:13 PM on November 22, 2012
posted by brainmouse at 11:13 PM on November 22, 2012
Response by poster: Thank you all. I will see how things go. I don't think the lease runs out soon.
It looks like she can and has to give this "10 days notice" for him to move out.
posted by yoyo_nyc at 11:30 PM on November 22, 2012
It looks like she can and has to give this "10 days notice" for him to move out.
posted by yoyo_nyc at 11:30 PM on November 22, 2012
Best answer: The first thing she should do is call a nearby domestic violence shelter and ask for information. This is the type of thing they deal with all the time, and will likely have many if not all of the answers available. Even if she is not currently being physically abused, that may be the result of a confrontation like this (or maybe not, but without knowing the situation personally I would err on the side of caution).
The main important part with an abusive relationship is that once this decision has been made, there needs to be a clean cut. This means, if she says he needs to move out, she should not continue to live with him until he does. She should stay with a friend the entire time while he is moving. Once he learns about her wanting him to move out, the abuse is likely to get much worse if they are alone together, and this is the exact type of thing which can lead to someone being seriously hurt, or worse. Err on the side of caution.
posted by markblasco at 11:41 PM on November 22, 2012 [15 favorites]
The main important part with an abusive relationship is that once this decision has been made, there needs to be a clean cut. This means, if she says he needs to move out, she should not continue to live with him until he does. She should stay with a friend the entire time while he is moving. Once he learns about her wanting him to move out, the abuse is likely to get much worse if they are alone together, and this is the exact type of thing which can lead to someone being seriously hurt, or worse. Err on the side of caution.
posted by markblasco at 11:41 PM on November 22, 2012 [15 favorites]
Here's the deal. I don't understand if your friend as yet told BF she is breaking up with him and she wants him to move out.
Has she simply told him to move out yet?
Were I her - that would be my first step. Likely I would do it at a therapist's office, or with my family or friends present, something like that. Not a private conversation. They could agree on an exit date at this time. She could stay with friends in the meantime, or better - hook him up with a couch to start crashing on immediately, making a date for him to come back and collect his belongings (with a safety escort for her!) once he's settled somewhere else.
IF he balked, or caused a commotion - call the police and file a report concerning any violence.
The problem is if she serves him a 10 Day Notice, she's alerting him to the fact that he does not need to move out under NYS law, and that is headaches for her.
If he already knows he has rights, it might actually be easier for her to get a protection order, which presumably would force him to move out - but IANAL and she should ABSOLUTELY get one if BF does not agree and move out with her simply stating the relationship is over and he move out.
You don't say how abusive he is, if the police have already been involved during past violence, or if he knows his rights.
My advice is bluff first, then get an actual lawyer to do any heavy lifting if that is required.
No DIY legal solutions for her. If he's that abusive, she needs authority on her side.
posted by jbenben at 12:18 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Has she simply told him to move out yet?
Were I her - that would be my first step. Likely I would do it at a therapist's office, or with my family or friends present, something like that. Not a private conversation. They could agree on an exit date at this time. She could stay with friends in the meantime, or better - hook him up with a couch to start crashing on immediately, making a date for him to come back and collect his belongings (with a safety escort for her!) once he's settled somewhere else.
IF he balked, or caused a commotion - call the police and file a report concerning any violence.
The problem is if she serves him a 10 Day Notice, she's alerting him to the fact that he does not need to move out under NYS law, and that is headaches for her.
If he already knows he has rights, it might actually be easier for her to get a protection order, which presumably would force him to move out - but IANAL and she should ABSOLUTELY get one if BF does not agree and move out with her simply stating the relationship is over and he move out.
You don't say how abusive he is, if the police have already been involved during past violence, or if he knows his rights.
My advice is bluff first, then get an actual lawyer to do any heavy lifting if that is required.
No DIY legal solutions for her. If he's that abusive, she needs authority on her side.
posted by jbenben at 12:18 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Legal issues aside, she may not want him to know where she lives for safety reasons - not just her physical safety, but emotional safety as well. It could be very stressful for her if he started showing up at her door in an effort to win her back.
posted by k8lin at 1:34 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by k8lin at 1:34 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
If he has been engaging in domestic abuse, the fastest way to get him out, given the headache that is NYC law, may be attempting to get a restraining order, which can force the abuser out despite whatever tenant productions may be in place.
Domestic abuse does not have to be physical - and in fact, NYC's Mayors Office of Domestic Violence has paid for several billboards alerting women to the fact, in English and Spanish. Verbal abuse often escalates to physical abuse. This is in no way "not serious" because it has not yet escalated to physical abuse.
She should definitely check with her local DV shelter, they may know not only ins and outs of the laws but also where she should file.
posted by corb at 4:24 AM on November 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
Domestic abuse does not have to be physical - and in fact, NYC's Mayors Office of Domestic Violence has paid for several billboards alerting women to the fact, in English and Spanish. Verbal abuse often escalates to physical abuse. This is in no way "not serious" because it has not yet escalated to physical abuse.
She should definitely check with her local DV shelter, they may know not only ins and outs of the laws but also where she should file.
posted by corb at 4:24 AM on November 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by AugustWest at 10:41 PM on November 22, 2012