Really wish my friend would stop bringing a particular person to events I invite her to. How would you handle this?
posted by galenka to Human Relations (40 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
Everyone in this question is in their late twenties.
Background: In the past year I had former friends do extremely shocking and bad things to me. I came to terms with it, and realized the warning signs were always there, and I never even liked some of these people from the beginning. But had continued being friends because I didn't want to be "judgmental" and wanted to focus on the best side of them. Since then I have made a huge effort to fix my life by applying these lessons. I only keep people in my life who are consistently good people, who don't give off red flags and warning signs.
My issue: I have a friend "Rose" who is the sweetest girl in the world. She is kind, caring, always tries to help people, and never says a bad word about anyone. She doesn't like it when people talk about having problems with others, and she avoids those conversations. She says she just doesn't want to participate in negative conversations about anyone. Since I have pretty much been making all-new groups of friends in the past year, Rose has started to become one of my better friends, and I have started to invite her to things I do with different groups of people.
In the past few weeks Rose just made a new friend called "Lisa" who just moved to the area. Rose is trying to help Lisa meet people here.
I told Rose I met a new guy Matt, and I was really interested in him. Rose and I decided to get a group of friends together at an event downtown and I invited Matt. Lisa came.
Within the first 5 minutes of when Matt arrived and I introduced him to the group, Lisa latched on to him like a barracuda. I had never seen anything like it in my whole life before. She kept standing herself in between him and me. She kept pulling him over to look at different things around the event. A few minutes later he excused himself to go get a drink.
Lisa looked over to me and said, "I have to ask you. Is anything going on with you and him?" I said, "We just met a little while ago, and I am very interested in him." She said "how long?" and I told her a month. But when Matt came back nothing changed. She asked for his number right in front of me! We all went out to drinks after the event and she sat as close to his as she could, with her hand on her chin staring into his eyes, and she kept asking to drink from his glass. I sat on the other side of him and she kept trying to keep him turned towards her. Whenever he and I would start talking about something, she would loudly interrupt and insert something about herself. Whenever he and I would start talking about anything we had in common, she would bring up how she had that in common too and MORE so than I did.
Now just in case it's relevant I do not think that Matt was interested in her at all, and I think that he was being a polite guy. (I didn't tell anyone about this, but Matt has a "type" for dating that is pretty much his very strong preference, and Lisa happens not to fall into that type. Plus he just did not seem that interested in her apart from that). And either way the point is not really about Matt and who he is interested in and what happens with him.
The point is that I do not want someone who act like this in my life, period. I found it SHOCKING that I would bring a guy out who I was interested in, and Lisa was aware of that, and she would still ask for his number right in front of me, start sipping from his glass, touching his arms, staring at him, dominating conversations with him. I do not want anyone in my life who would act like that period. Who would act with total disregard for me like that. Like everything is just "fair game" in life and it's not important to care about other people and how they feel.
Tomorrow I had organized a hike with a bunch of friends from my hiking group, including Matt. Following that the plan is to get dinner together. I invited Rose, and Rose invited Lisa. This was before I met Lisa so I had said of course she is welcome to come.
I have had an incredibly shitty and stressful week and I was really, really looking forward to this outing, which I completely organized and planned. I really do not want Lisa there at all. I do not want to spend the entire day with her, hiking and then doing dinner.
Is there anything I can do?? How can I handle this?? I was thinking of calling Rose and just expressing my concern about Lisa and the way she acted when we were out the other night. But remember Rose really hates negative conversations about anyone and is always trying to avoid them. I am really worried that she would get really upset. I know that the idea of hurting Lisa's feelings in any way or making Lisa feel unwelcome would really upset her. If you have had a friend like Rose before, have you ever found a good way to deal with an issue like this, where they see the best in someone that you really do not feel good around?
Also, I have invited Rose to events with my hiking group several times, and lately she's been talking about joining the group. Before I thought this was awesome. But now I am thinking "oh great, and now she'll bring Lisa to join the group too." Everyone in the group is super open and friendly and welcoming, and obviously I would never try to say who could and couldn't be included or try to stop it. But I just feel really sick because I LOVE that group and I feel really happy with them, and having this kind of presence there would just really suck.
How would you handle this? Remember this is not about Matt at all. I don't even know if I will end up dating him myself in the end because we just started getting to know each other. The point is that I don't want someone in my life who seems this untrustworthy and blatantly uncaring about what they do and how it affects others, and is so aggressive about it. I don't want her becoming a part of my life, working her way into my other friend groups, because I don't think this behavior would just be limited to Matt, or even situations involving guys in general.