My fiancee is lying fairly often about trivial, frivolous things. Should I be concerned, or am I just hopelessly insecure? (special snowflake inside)
posted by anonymous to human relations (32 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
*NB: I'm posting this on a buddy's account since my fiancee posts here and I'd rather not talk about this with her until I have some perspective on things.
*Some backstory: we've been together 2 years, planning a wedding soon. We're currently LDR for a month or so while I sort out some things back home.
Today I found out from my girlfriend that she'd lied to me about something she said to her ex and it deeply troubled me. For the past year and a half, we've been receiving mail addressed to said ex at the house, and, being that I'm away from home on business right now and had had a long, stressful day, I said something along the lines of throwing it all in the garbage as soon as I got back.
Recently, I learned through a friend that she pasted this to her ex-boyfriend in an IM session, saying something along the lines of "ugh.". They were, at the time, organizing a lunch out so she could give him said mail. She said something along the lines of: "let me just ask [my fiancee]. Well, tell him. lol" when he asked when she was free. I took from that the implication that she'd have lunch with him whether I liked it or not.
Needless to say, this upset me a bit. Now, most of you will probably be thinking "she's banging him, dude", but I don't really see it. I'm not ruling it out, but she's pretty proud of never having cheated on anybody and she makes no bones about being completely in love with me, loving the relationship etc. I'm pretty happy overall, and I am most certainly in love with her.
It's just that she lies -- and it's not really about things you might expect. I'm certain that she doesn't cheat, she tells me if she gets hit on or if her ex wants to get lunch or if she's going somewhere or whatever. She's not stupid enough to put herself in a situation that would jeopardize our relationship. But sometimes, for some reason, she'll lie about something casually, just drop it in.
I get that she might not want to tell me the truth about certain things because they're painful or she doesn't want to be judged for it. But some of the things she lies about are relevant and damn disrespectful to me, such as in the example above.
Here is another example.
Her and I have history; we dated when we were teenagers, separated, stayed friends online, dipped in and out of 'online' relationships and eventually cut contact for about a year. We got back in touch with each other afterward, and somehow just clicked. We both got on like a house on fire, and although we were both cagey -- and thus unwilling to become exclusive until we met and spent time together -- we were certainly lovey dovey (or as much as you can be online).
During this time, she had a really good male friend. Super close, although she hadn't known him all that long. Now, she's always made it clear to me that she only ever wanted me. She said that I was always the one, and that in every one of her relationships she always wondered 'what if' and wished that it were me. Take from this what you will.
Later, after we were dating, I casually asked if they'd been a thing since they seemed quite close at the time and she had not seen him at all since we got together (and I had never met him). There wasn't anything meant by it, it just seemed a little strange.
She swore up and down that they had not slept together. I pursued it perhaps a little more doggedly than I should have -- my gut was telling me something wasn't right. Probably a jerk move.
She said I was making false assumptions. She actually went far enough to make me question my insecurity and jealousy, and I got some informal therapy in order to get over it. I felt like utter shit and I felt like I had failed her. But we got over it.
Then, yesterday, she told me that actually they had slept together. Once. And though her then-boyfriend had given his consent prior -- it was an open relationship -- she felt really shitty about it because she hadn't actually told him that they'd slept together after the fact and they were still cohabiting despite the relationship being over for all intents and purposes (it lingered). She never told me because she was deeply, deeply embarrassed and ashamed, imagining that she'd cheated on her then-boyfriend, even though the relationship was all but over and he'd been OK with it.
I got it. I understood. But I was really upset about being made to feel like shit over something she tried to convince me I was imagining. I was upset not so much at the lie than at being psychologically abused over something my gut was telling me was the case. We fought often and bitterly about the subject in the past and I couldn't understand why at any point she didn't just say, "yeah, we slept together, but it's over, okay?"
I tried to bring up how much it hurt to find out the lie given that I'd gone to such effort to fix my apparent insecurity/jealousy, and among the things she said was that it had been none of my business whether they were sleeping together -- and irrelevant to our relationship. And though it's true that we were not exclusive at the time, after we became so, it was an important factor. She fell for him hard, and slept with him, and I felt like this was extremely important information to our relationship if she wanted to go and hang out with him alone.
She insisted it was none of my business. Then, she admitted that she wasn't sure if I was still a dick when we first reunited (we have history -- dated when we were teens, reunited online, but weren't exclusive until we met up and fell head-over-heels in love with each other) and although she wanted beyond anything for us to work out, if it hadn't, she would have chosen him.
She introduced me to him a while ago -- we all got lunch -- and although it was a little bit awkward (at the time I didn't really know why), I get that this might have been her way of distancing herself from him. But I have a hard time being grateful for this because of the shit she put me through, and the fact that when I brought that up she dismissed it and then started apologizing for being a failure -- thereby dashing any chance to rectify things.
She's had a shitty upbringing and suffered psychological abuse at the hands of her parents. She's still dealing with shame and embarrassment from things she's done in the past. She struggles with feelings of worthlessness at times since she has never received any support from her parents.
I want to be there for her and support her, and I want her to not feel judged by me. I want her to feel like I'm not prying into anything, and I want her to be comfortable telling me as little or as much as she wants, and if she needs to keep stuff to herself until she's ready then that is OK, but given how obvious she is when she is lying, I need to feel that she loves me and that I am not being taken for a ride.
Since I have told her that I need her to be more open with me, she has acknowledged it but she is still lying to me about things like the exbf-mail scenario. Frankly it's turning me into an insecure jealousy monster and I don't know how to broach the subject. I don't know left from right, and I don't know if my logic is sound.
I don't know if she is still doing this because she simply cannot be honest or if it is because she is afraid of telling me the truth -- that she's afraid she'll hurt me, or that I'll lecture her or something -- or maybe that I'm just expecting too much (I admit that I'm an unusual case in that I am blatantly open with people. Sometimes it takes them aback and they don't like it).
This is complicated by the fact that this only really comes up when we are apart. I don't know if this is because she changes her habits when I'm not there, or if I'm just blind to it when we're together because we have a great time, or if it's just insecurity at being apart that's causing it. I am fully willing to accept the suggestion that I'm blowing things way out of proportion.
Also, for the DTMFA folks, give me that advice if you think I need it, but realize I don't want to end things -- I think that I could have been better and more understanding at times. I feel like our relationship deserves a good shot and I'm willing to work things through until it becomes clear that there's no road left to run on.
I just need some perspective, I guess. What's her deal?
And how can I tell this to her, honestly, openly, and supportively -- without inadvertently hurting her?
Help me, mefi. I feel like I'm torpedoing my own relationship.