Settle this dispute - must we be literal ?
September 24, 2012 1:15 PM Subscribe
Would you feel deceived if I introduced my sister-in-law simply as a sister, at a work function dinner setting? Settle our disagreement.
We (me, spouse, sister-in-law) are close and travel together often. I'm currently on work related travel. Sister-in-law is joining, but spouse is not. Spouse would like me to take sister-in-law in her place to enjoy work function dinners, but is concerned that the fact that we're traveling together (with shared lodging) might garner misguided attention.
Spouse thinks I should introduce sister-in-law simply as a sister. Would you feel deceived if I introduced my sister-in-law simply as a sister?
She says: "If clarification becomes relevant, you can add that she's your 'sister by marriage', otherwise just leave it at that. Why the details?"
I say: "That constitutes deception. I think of her as my own sister, but I still should say 'This is Annie, my sister-in-law.' Not doing so would offend."
Or maybe there are entirely different approaches that we're overlooking?
We (me, spouse, sister-in-law) are close and travel together often. I'm currently on work related travel. Sister-in-law is joining, but spouse is not. Spouse would like me to take sister-in-law in her place to enjoy work function dinners, but is concerned that the fact that we're traveling together (with shared lodging) might garner misguided attention.
Spouse thinks I should introduce sister-in-law simply as a sister. Would you feel deceived if I introduced my sister-in-law simply as a sister?
She says: "If clarification becomes relevant, you can add that she's your 'sister by marriage', otherwise just leave it at that. Why the details?"
I say: "That constitutes deception. I think of her as my own sister, but I still should say 'This is Annie, my sister-in-law.' Not doing so would offend."
Or maybe there are entirely different approaches that we're overlooking?
I would think it was pretty weird for you to take either your sister or your sister-in-law to a work function dinner.
posted by Perplexity at 1:19 PM on September 24, 2012 [42 favorites]
posted by Perplexity at 1:19 PM on September 24, 2012 [42 favorites]
Wait, what's the pro side to doing this? Is the "misguided attention" like... people might think you're gay and thus hit on you inappropriately? Because like, what? Who are these people that you are introducing her to, work people or just people you see around? I don't know that I would feel deceived, but I might think it was weird. But mostly I probably wouldn't think about it very much. I'm not sure why you have to qualify it at all, what's wrong with "This is Annie", or you saying "I'm Mary" and her saying "and I'm Annie".
posted by brainmouse at 1:19 PM on September 24, 2012
posted by brainmouse at 1:19 PM on September 24, 2012
If I found out that someone you'd introduced to me as your sibling was in fact your spouse's sibling, I would think you were deeply weird and at least a little untrustworthy. The difference between "sister" and "sister-in-law" is pretty big, and I would presume you had something to hide.
On preview: jinx on the "deeply weird" construction.
posted by KathrynT at 1:19 PM on September 24, 2012 [11 favorites]
On preview: jinx on the "deeply weird" construction.
posted by KathrynT at 1:19 PM on September 24, 2012 [11 favorites]
Best answer: You are overthinking this. I can't imagine why anyone would give this more than a moment's thought, let alone care enough to feel deceived.
posted by kagredon at 1:20 PM on September 24, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by kagredon at 1:20 PM on September 24, 2012 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I would go with, "this is Laura." And I would only bother going into the relationship details if someone mistakes her for your wife, at which point you give a polite chuckle and say, "oh, no, Laura is my sister in law."
Anyone who gives you a look suggesting impropriety can suck your balls. It's none of their business. Don't worry about them.
posted by phunniemee at 1:20 PM on September 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
Anyone who gives you a look suggesting impropriety can suck your balls. It's none of their business. Don't worry about them.
posted by phunniemee at 1:20 PM on September 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think "This is Annie, my sister-in-law" is exactly right. Why would you say she was your sister if she isn't? On preview: agree with the deeply weird consensus.
posted by hungrybruno at 1:21 PM on September 24, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by hungrybruno at 1:21 PM on September 24, 2012 [5 favorites]
What's the downside of being honest? Especially compared to what might happen when anyone who knows this person as your sister discovers that she's your wife's sister and not yours.
posted by tommasz at 1:21 PM on September 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by tommasz at 1:21 PM on September 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
If you told me she was your sister at a dinner party, and then later I found out she was your sister-in-law, I would probably just think I'd been confused or not paying attention, but it wouldn't go much farther than that.
But, if co-workers know your spouse, why not just say, "This is Annie, she's Spouse's sister."
posted by looli at 1:23 PM on September 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
But, if co-workers know your spouse, why not just say, "This is Annie, she's Spouse's sister."
posted by looli at 1:23 PM on September 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm not really understanding why this matters. I can't imagine being in a social situation where I would question the stated relationship between two people to the point where I would inquire as to what exactly you mean by "sister." Am I supposed to ask for birth certificates? Statements from your parents? In any case, I would not be offended if I found out otherwise, but then again, I don't really care if people think of in-laws as family.
However, it seems like you are more comfortable referring to her as your sister-in-law, which is totally and completely fine. Seriously, just do that, or use her name only.
posted by dysh at 1:24 PM on September 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
However, it seems like you are more comfortable referring to her as your sister-in-law, which is totally and completely fine. Seriously, just do that, or use her name only.
posted by dysh at 1:24 PM on September 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think you're trying to spare people the awkward uhh where's wifey who is this lady feeling by explaining that this particular lady is family. That's cool.
Seconding phunniemee's language. It is not deceptive, and only the people that would have a problem no matter your introduction will think to question it.
posted by skrozidile at 1:24 PM on September 24, 2012
Seconding phunniemee's language. It is not deceptive, and only the people that would have a problem no matter your introduction will think to question it.
posted by skrozidile at 1:24 PM on September 24, 2012
Best answer: If person A introduced person B as their sister, and I later found out they were sisters-in-law, I would probably just assume they're close, and not care any further. People often use the word for close friends with no blood or legal relation. No big deal. But if you're at all not comfortable with it, there's no reason to do it.
posted by echo target at 1:24 PM on September 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by echo target at 1:24 PM on September 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
Why must you define things at all? If no one asks, don't proactively tell them anything. Most people won't care.
"This is Annie. Annie, this is Mr. Lewis"
posted by inturnaround at 1:24 PM on September 24, 2012
"This is Annie. Annie, this is Mr. Lewis"
posted by inturnaround at 1:24 PM on September 24, 2012
Best answer: This is a needlessly complicated approach to something that makes no difference to anyone except, apparently, your spouse.
IMO, you're going to confuse some people and annoy others (but some people will never know the difference). So, you introduce her as your sister and then later in the evening something, like high school, comes up in conversation and suddenly you went to high school in ThisTown, MyState and she went to high school in ThatTown, HerState. Or your sister-in-law mentions what her dad does for a living and the person knows your dad does something else. Now the person you're talking to thinks that they misunderstood earlier about you being siblings or wonders what bizarre family situation you're hiding or wonders what you're really lying about.
Seriously, white lies are for situations where the truth is rude or hurtful. "Yes, this cake you made is delicious" when it's really horribly dry and tasteless. Not for when the situation is innocuous and no-one cares.
posted by crush-onastick at 1:25 PM on September 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
IMO, you're going to confuse some people and annoy others (but some people will never know the difference). So, you introduce her as your sister and then later in the evening something, like high school, comes up in conversation and suddenly you went to high school in ThisTown, MyState and she went to high school in ThatTown, HerState. Or your sister-in-law mentions what her dad does for a living and the person knows your dad does something else. Now the person you're talking to thinks that they misunderstood earlier about you being siblings or wonders what bizarre family situation you're hiding or wonders what you're really lying about.
Seriously, white lies are for situations where the truth is rude or hurtful. "Yes, this cake you made is delicious" when it's really horribly dry and tasteless. Not for when the situation is innocuous and no-one cares.
posted by crush-onastick at 1:25 PM on September 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
I'm surprised that your work doesn't care that the person they're buying dinner for isn't a spouse or someone spouse-like. Work function dinner invitations are generally understood to be you and, if your SO is with you, him or her. That's it. It's not a "bring a friend!" type deal.
So, to answer your question, I'd think a) I was getting TMI about how close you are to your SIL, and b) that your personal boundaries were a little whacked to bring a non-SO to a work function in the first place, (unless there was a lot of explanation about how she's visiting from Tiny Third World Country and you have to keep an eye on her because she's never left her village before and speaks no English).
posted by small_ruminant at 1:25 PM on September 24, 2012 [16 favorites]
So, to answer your question, I'd think a) I was getting TMI about how close you are to your SIL, and b) that your personal boundaries were a little whacked to bring a non-SO to a work function in the first place, (unless there was a lot of explanation about how she's visiting from Tiny Third World Country and you have to keep an eye on her because she's never left her village before and speaks no English).
posted by small_ruminant at 1:25 PM on September 24, 2012 [16 favorites]
Best answer: I don't think it's particularly weird (I refer to my husband's cousins, to whom I am very close, as just "cousins", and now refer to their spouses that way as well, and nobody asks for additional details).
But I don't think it's really necessary either, "sister-in-law" is hardly an insulting way to be described.
posted by padraigin at 1:25 PM on September 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
But I don't think it's really necessary either, "sister-in-law" is hardly an insulting way to be described.
posted by padraigin at 1:25 PM on September 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Not really what you asked -- and I don't know what it's like in your company -- but if I was your boss and found out the company was paying for your sister's (or sister-in-law's) meal I would be somewhat annoyed. Spouses and long term significant-others are one thing, but this would seem a bit random.
posted by rocketpup at 1:25 PM on September 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by rocketpup at 1:25 PM on September 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
At a work function where you are traveling, there will be plenty of time for followup questions from colleagues and their spouses, so what will your sister-in-law say when she's asked "was hedon always so funny when you were growing up together in Levittown?" or "I thought hedon's sister was living overseas" etc. That's when the real whispers will start.
posted by headnsouth at 1:27 PM on September 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 1:27 PM on September 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
Are you afraid that people will think you're sleeping with your sister-in-law because you're sharing lodging?
It's only weird if you make it weird by lying. If you're up front, no one will give a rat's ass. This is my wife's sister, Sue. Most people will respond with 'nice to meet you.' End of story.
posted by shoesietart at 1:27 PM on September 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
It's only weird if you make it weird by lying. If you're up front, no one will give a rat's ass. This is my wife's sister, Sue. Most people will respond with 'nice to meet you.' End of story.
posted by shoesietart at 1:27 PM on September 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: "This is Mary, my wife's sister."
That way you not only let people know she's your sister-in-law, but by mentioning your wife in the same sentence you're reminding people that you're married to someone else and not up to any hanky-panky with Sis-in-law.
That said, I wouldn't really think too much of it if you told me she was your sister and I later found out she was your in-law. I would just sort of shrug and think I was confused, or you were, or you were just saying "sister" to make it easier. I wouldn't over think it.
posted by bondcliff at 1:28 PM on September 24, 2012
That way you not only let people know she's your sister-in-law, but by mentioning your wife in the same sentence you're reminding people that you're married to someone else and not up to any hanky-panky with Sis-in-law.
That said, I wouldn't really think too much of it if you told me she was your sister and I later found out she was your in-law. I would just sort of shrug and think I was confused, or you were, or you were just saying "sister" to make it easier. I wouldn't over think it.
posted by bondcliff at 1:28 PM on September 24, 2012
Best answer: I am totally confused why your spouse thinks that "sister-in-law" (your actual relationship) would be questioned, but "sister" would not be.
Lying to business associates is just a weird thing to get into.
And why does your sister-in-law want to go to your work functions, anyway? If she's hoping to make professional contacts, again the whole "pointless lie" thing is not the best idea.
Introduce her as your sister-in-law, because that's what she is.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:30 PM on September 24, 2012 [6 favorites]
Lying to business associates is just a weird thing to get into.
And why does your sister-in-law want to go to your work functions, anyway? If she's hoping to make professional contacts, again the whole "pointless lie" thing is not the best idea.
Introduce her as your sister-in-law, because that's what she is.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:30 PM on September 24, 2012 [6 favorites]
I wouldn't give it a second thought but I have lots of friends who refer to their partners as husband/wife when they're not married and various people I'm not related to were introduced to me as my 'aunt' as a child so I'm used to people using technically incorrect terms for their awkward relations. However I don't see why you would need to lie. Do you think people will think you're having inappropriate relations with your spouse's sister? Fuck 'em if they do, weirdos.
posted by missmagenta at 1:31 PM on September 24, 2012
posted by missmagenta at 1:31 PM on September 24, 2012
Best answer: She says: "If clarification becomes relevant, you can add that she's your 'sister by marriage', otherwise just leave it at that. Why the details?"
"Sister by marriage" sounds like you married your sister. Why the resistance to the accepted term of "sister-in-law"?
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:32 PM on September 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
"Sister by marriage" sounds like you married your sister. Why the resistance to the accepted term of "sister-in-law"?
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:32 PM on September 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
Folks, the problem is the sister-in-law is sharing a hotel room with the OP.
Yes, I would think you are having an affair with your wife's sister. I would double think this if you told me it was your sister, and found out later she's not blood related.
Why are you risking your professional reputation on this??
Spring for the second hotel room and do not take your sister-in-law as your guest unless you are keen to scandalize your reputation.
This is all a bad idea, and lying about sister status won't fix it. Sorry.
posted by jbenben at 1:37 PM on September 24, 2012 [38 favorites]
Yes, I would think you are having an affair with your wife's sister. I would double think this if you told me it was your sister, and found out later she's not blood related.
Why are you risking your professional reputation on this??
Spring for the second hotel room and do not take your sister-in-law as your guest unless you are keen to scandalize your reputation.
This is all a bad idea, and lying about sister status won't fix it. Sorry.
posted by jbenben at 1:37 PM on September 24, 2012 [38 favorites]
Adding to the chorus that yeah, dude, that is weird. Don't lie or obfuscate. And if work is paying for your room, you probably want to get a second room for her on your own dime. If it's even not weird in your professional universe to do that. It's probably cool to do that kind of thing in my profesional universe (I'm a librarian) but if you're, like, a lawyer or something I don't know what the etiquette would be.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 1:46 PM on September 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by rabbitrabbit at 1:46 PM on September 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I agree with jbenben. No matter how artfully you frame this, people will likely interpret it as strange, doubly so if there is any deception involved.
However, if you feel you must do this, consider something like the following: "This is my sister-in-law Jane. My wife had to cancel at the last moment, and Jane had never been to City X, so she decided to join me."
posted by googly at 1:49 PM on September 24, 2012 [5 favorites]
However, if you feel you must do this, consider something like the following: "This is my sister-in-law Jane. My wife had to cancel at the last moment, and Jane had never been to City X, so she decided to join me."
posted by googly at 1:49 PM on September 24, 2012 [5 favorites]
There are clearly a lot of people here who don't know old-school southerners. Hell yeah, rumors would fly fast in any southern city where I lived if someone found out they were sharing accommodations with an in-law of the opposite sex. On the other hand, people would wonder even MORE about the prevarication should they find out.
A lot of this is area-dependent, I would say. In the west coast city where I live now there is so much weird that this is an oddity that seems almost normal.
Whatever your position, I'd give a go at convincing your wife that you can deflect relationship questions instead of addressing them. Introduce her with her name, and if people ask if you're dating, just say "No" and politely change the subject.
And I'm also with those who say let _any_ kind of headshaking, whether it's at your actions or your definitions roll right off your back. The problem is that you have to worry about how your wife feels about her own reputation and you may end up deciding to give ground to what she feels like she needs.
posted by thelastcamel at 1:51 PM on September 24, 2012
A lot of this is area-dependent, I would say. In the west coast city where I live now there is so much weird that this is an oddity that seems almost normal.
Whatever your position, I'd give a go at convincing your wife that you can deflect relationship questions instead of addressing them. Introduce her with her name, and if people ask if you're dating, just say "No" and politely change the subject.
And I'm also with those who say let _any_ kind of headshaking, whether it's at your actions or your definitions roll right off your back. The problem is that you have to worry about how your wife feels about her own reputation and you may end up deciding to give ground to what she feels like she needs.
posted by thelastcamel at 1:51 PM on September 24, 2012
Best answer: Just call her your plus one. You're away from home for business, many people hate going to work-related dinners alone, you've got an extended relative (which is a fair enough description) who's available to join you and keep you company, I can't imagine anyone would bat an eye.
And I can't imagine any business that is putting you on travel and providing dinner for you and a guest is going to give a rat's ass who your guest is, but maybe I haven't worked with shitty enough management.
posted by psoas at 1:52 PM on September 24, 2012
And I can't imagine any business that is putting you on travel and providing dinner for you and a guest is going to give a rat's ass who your guest is, but maybe I haven't worked with shitty enough management.
posted by psoas at 1:52 PM on September 24, 2012
If you're going to say anything, I would just say sister-in-law. That being said, I would definitely think it was weird that you would bring your sister-in-law (or sister) to a work function like this. On preview, I'd say that googly has the best rumor-quelling answer.
posted by brilliantine at 1:55 PM on September 24, 2012
posted by brilliantine at 1:55 PM on September 24, 2012
In a non-professional context, no biggie, call her what you want as long as she is fine with it.
But you are in the States? Yeaaa, this whole thing is a little weird if you have an employer who is paying for the accommodation/meals. It just doesn't seem like a situation to include a sibling of any gender, in-law or not, and as a co-worker or boss I'd kind of wonder what was up with that. Even if I didn't think you were sketchy, I'd think you were a little odd for apparently not being able to be alone.
So when things are a little odd but genuinely on the up-and-up, go with honesty. But you should also pay attention to your wife's concerns, too.
posted by stowaway at 1:56 PM on September 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
But you are in the States? Yeaaa, this whole thing is a little weird if you have an employer who is paying for the accommodation/meals. It just doesn't seem like a situation to include a sibling of any gender, in-law or not, and as a co-worker or boss I'd kind of wonder what was up with that. Even if I didn't think you were sketchy, I'd think you were a little odd for apparently not being able to be alone.
So when things are a little odd but genuinely on the up-and-up, go with honesty. But you should also pay attention to your wife's concerns, too.
posted by stowaway at 1:56 PM on September 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Why would anybody care? Anytime someone says "in-law," to my ears it sounds like you're stuck with someone you have a familial obligation to that you don't really like and you're emphasizing how they're a drag.
But that's just to my ears. I watched a ton of television with the old "mother-in-law is evil" trope.
posted by discopolo at 1:56 PM on September 24, 2012
But that's just to my ears. I watched a ton of television with the old "mother-in-law is evil" trope.
posted by discopolo at 1:56 PM on September 24, 2012
Best answer: My gut says taking your sister in law is neither appropriate nor professional unless the two of you work together. You should not share lodging and she should attend at most one dinner with you.
However. I think that if you were to go forward with this, the way to avoid totally awkward inquiries is to say, "This is my wife's sister, Mary. My wife couldn't join me on this trip and suggested Mary come along instead."
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 1:57 PM on September 24, 2012 [6 favorites]
However. I think that if you were to go forward with this, the way to avoid totally awkward inquiries is to say, "This is my wife's sister, Mary. My wife couldn't join me on this trip and suggested Mary come along instead."
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 1:57 PM on September 24, 2012 [6 favorites]
My sister-in-law* introduces me as her brother, and as sweet a gesture as I find it, it still sounds jarring to me every time she does it.
*The actual legality of my relationship being under dispute in many parts of this country, that is.
posted by yellowcandy at 2:01 PM on September 24, 2012
*The actual legality of my relationship being under dispute in many parts of this country, that is.
posted by yellowcandy at 2:01 PM on September 24, 2012
Best answer: Why are you risking your professional reputation on this??
This whole thing sounds a bit weird or like the OP is leaving out some kind of crucial detail, but that's pretty alarmist.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 2:11 PM on September 24, 2012
This whole thing sounds a bit weird or like the OP is leaving out some kind of crucial detail, but that's pretty alarmist.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 2:11 PM on September 24, 2012
There's nothing wrong with Sister-in-Law. Just say that, or just say, My Friend.
No one really cares that much.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:24 PM on September 24, 2012
No one really cares that much.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:24 PM on September 24, 2012
I think you should say "sister-in-law", yes. I think whether this is appropriate actually depends on your gender. If you are male, then yes, there are going to be instant assumptions of impropriety if you are sharing rooms. If you are female, then it's slightly strange to be bringing along an in-law to business functions, but it doesn't have same connotations.
posted by Happydaz at 2:24 PM on September 24, 2012
posted by Happydaz at 2:24 PM on September 24, 2012
"Spouse would like me to take sister-in-law in her place to enjoy work function dinners..."
Taking a slightly different view of this - I promise, this leads to an actual answer. If someone besides you is paying for these dinners, you really need to make sure this is okay. If we're talking about the kind of fun function where people without SOs would bring friends, then bringing her is fine. If we're talking about meals on the corporate travel account, then she needs to pay her own way, weirdness about what to call her aside.
If I was your boss and I found out about the hotel room thing, I would probably let is slide as long as it didn't cost anything extra. Some would not be so okay with it. While travelers should be able to enjoy themselves, business hotel rooms are generally not for vacations with friends and family.
If I was your boss and I found out that your sister-in-law was getting meals from the travel budget, I would call you in and tell you to stop freeloading. Some would fire you outright.
But as long as you or sister-in-law (SIL) are paying for her meals, there's no problem here. Just introduce her as your SIL. People will find it odd for about 10 seconds, and then realize you guys are just friendly and having a fun trip. Unless you are flirtatious, but that's a whole different issue.
posted by Tehhund at 2:31 PM on September 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
Taking a slightly different view of this - I promise, this leads to an actual answer. If someone besides you is paying for these dinners, you really need to make sure this is okay. If we're talking about the kind of fun function where people without SOs would bring friends, then bringing her is fine. If we're talking about meals on the corporate travel account, then she needs to pay her own way, weirdness about what to call her aside.
If I was your boss and I found out about the hotel room thing, I would probably let is slide as long as it didn't cost anything extra. Some would not be so okay with it. While travelers should be able to enjoy themselves, business hotel rooms are generally not for vacations with friends and family.
If I was your boss and I found out that your sister-in-law was getting meals from the travel budget, I would call you in and tell you to stop freeloading. Some would fire you outright.
But as long as you or sister-in-law (SIL) are paying for her meals, there's no problem here. Just introduce her as your SIL. People will find it odd for about 10 seconds, and then realize you guys are just friendly and having a fun trip. Unless you are flirtatious, but that's a whole different issue.
posted by Tehhund at 2:31 PM on September 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
Unless you work with a real bunch of weirdos, or your dinners are very formal and your work setting is uptight, I'd take her with and introduce her as Annie, John's (or my husband's) sister. If you feel the need, you might say she's traveling with you and you're doing some shopping together in your spare time, or something of that nature.
Sheesh, people need to MYOB. Why does everyone immediately think folks are leaping into bed with each other? (Unless that's what's on THEIR minds)
posted by BlueHorse at 2:33 PM on September 24, 2012
Sheesh, people need to MYOB. Why does everyone immediately think folks are leaping into bed with each other? (Unless that's what's on THEIR minds)
posted by BlueHorse at 2:33 PM on September 24, 2012
Best answer: but is concerned that the fact that we're traveling together (with shared lodging) might garner misguided attention.
This makes no sense, assuming you don't plan on just saying, "This is Jennifer" or whatever and leaving your relationship ambiguous. I mean, people aren't going to assume you're sleeping with your sister in law, or that you're carrying on some kind of sordid affair.
They might wonder why your sister in law is tagging along, since that's somewhat unusual, but I assume that in the course of mingling, this will be addressed. (for example "This is my sister in law, Jennifer. She's a huge fan of Mr. Speilberg's work and jumped on the chance to hear him speak.")
If there is some kind of concern that people will make weird assumptions about y'all sharing a room, don't.
posted by Sara C. at 2:34 PM on September 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
This makes no sense, assuming you don't plan on just saying, "This is Jennifer" or whatever and leaving your relationship ambiguous. I mean, people aren't going to assume you're sleeping with your sister in law, or that you're carrying on some kind of sordid affair.
They might wonder why your sister in law is tagging along, since that's somewhat unusual, but I assume that in the course of mingling, this will be addressed. (for example "This is my sister in law, Jennifer. She's a huge fan of Mr. Speilberg's work and jumped on the chance to hear him speak.")
If there is some kind of concern that people will make weird assumptions about y'all sharing a room, don't.
posted by Sara C. at 2:34 PM on September 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Does it matter if this couple is gay? I see mentions of "husband" in the answers but it appears to me that these individuals are all women.
Which, frankly, brings up a lot of other confusing options for coworkers to puzzle over and which are none of their business.
So, I'm going to go with MeFi tradition and go with the option of answering the question you didn't ask: don't bring your sister-in-law to a work function unless she has explicitly been invited by someone in a position of authority or she "brings something to the table" as maybe a noted expert in your field or has the inside scoop on some piece of business you and your colleagues are a part of.
Lastly, don't lie and don't over-explain.
posted by amanda at 2:46 PM on September 24, 2012 [5 favorites]
Which, frankly, brings up a lot of other confusing options for coworkers to puzzle over and which are none of their business.
So, I'm going to go with MeFi tradition and go with the option of answering the question you didn't ask: don't bring your sister-in-law to a work function unless she has explicitly been invited by someone in a position of authority or she "brings something to the table" as maybe a noted expert in your field or has the inside scoop on some piece of business you and your colleagues are a part of.
Lastly, don't lie and don't over-explain.
posted by amanda at 2:46 PM on September 24, 2012 [5 favorites]
Spouse thinks I should introduce sister-in-law simply as a sister. Would you feel deceived if I introduced my sister-in-law simply as a sister?
She says: "If clarification becomes relevant, you can add that she's your 'sister by marriage', otherwise just leave it at that. Why the details?"
I would like a spectator to some weird family drama and want to chew my own arm to get away from the situation.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:55 PM on September 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
She says: "If clarification becomes relevant, you can add that she's your 'sister by marriage', otherwise just leave it at that. Why the details?"
I would like a spectator to some weird family drama and want to chew my own arm to get away from the situation.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:55 PM on September 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
If a woman introduced me to her sister-in-law, taking pains to avoid the normal construction of that word and instead using "sister by marriage," I'd smile politely while thinking to myself: "oh, right...like Big Love!"
And promptly file that away in my head as far more eyebrow-raising than anything whatever your spouse is afraid of.
posted by mimi at 2:59 PM on September 24, 2012 [7 favorites]
And promptly file that away in my head as far more eyebrow-raising than anything whatever your spouse is afraid of.
posted by mimi at 2:59 PM on September 24, 2012 [7 favorites]
Best answer: You seem to imply that your sister-in-law is close to you. I commonly refer to my brother-in-law and his wife as my brother and sister, and my brother gets the same treatment from my wife. It's endearing -- we're all family. Hell, I refer to many of my wife's cousins, whom I've come to love, as my cousins.
For me, at least, it's a personal choice: Much like adoption doesn't lessen the ties of family, marriage should either.
posted by thanotopsis at 3:19 PM on September 24, 2012
For me, at least, it's a personal choice: Much like adoption doesn't lessen the ties of family, marriage should either.
posted by thanotopsis at 3:19 PM on September 24, 2012
Are you a mixed or same gender couple? That totally matters in terms of what people will think about you sharing a hotel room with your sister-in-law.
posted by Wordwoman at 3:31 PM on September 24, 2012
posted by Wordwoman at 3:31 PM on September 24, 2012
(And if you're both women -- since you care a lot about what people think, I suggest that you err on the side of being straightforward in terms of describing your relationship. Like it or not, people (especially work people) are NOT gender-blind when dealing with gay/lesbian couples vs. straight couples, and any perceived weirdness is going to be magnified.)
posted by Wordwoman at 3:36 PM on September 24, 2012
posted by Wordwoman at 3:36 PM on September 24, 2012
I have a close friend I refer to as my brother, and yes it does cause a bit of a trip over in conversations. Honestly, it's strange how often it turns into an explanation, you'd never think how many times you mention your parents, or theirs, or other bits of non-matching information. Now, I have some good reasons for it, and often the person I'm speaking to will share their own stories of having similar relationships, but your reasons don't sound very good and really this just seems like a weird and poorly thought out idea.
posted by Dynex at 4:04 PM on September 24, 2012
posted by Dynex at 4:04 PM on September 24, 2012
I don't think the genders of the parties involved matter at all since this a work trip.
I assume a professional organization is paying for the hotel and meals? I think that is the issue because those accommodations are traditionally for someone you are sleeping with (spouse, longterm partner, etc.) hence the scandal of sharing a room with your wife's sibling. Gender has nothing to do with it. It's just plain weird in a professional context, period.
If this were a social vacation, it wouldn't matter.
I think the OP and their wife knows their current plan of including the sister-in-law will be provocative, hence the obfuscation and question here.
OP, don't do it. It's not a gender politics thing, it's about remaining professional in professional settings.
posted by jbenben at 4:18 PM on September 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
I assume a professional organization is paying for the hotel and meals? I think that is the issue because those accommodations are traditionally for someone you are sleeping with (spouse, longterm partner, etc.) hence the scandal of sharing a room with your wife's sibling. Gender has nothing to do with it. It's just plain weird in a professional context, period.
If this were a social vacation, it wouldn't matter.
I think the OP and their wife knows their current plan of including the sister-in-law will be provocative, hence the obfuscation and question here.
OP, don't do it. It's not a gender politics thing, it's about remaining professional in professional settings.
posted by jbenben at 4:18 PM on September 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
"Sister by marriage" seems like weird code for "sister wife" or something.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 4:20 PM on September 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by easy, lucky, free at 4:20 PM on September 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'd interpret "sister by marriage" as "our parents married later in life & we're not genetically related, but consider each other family."
posted by belladonna at 4:41 PM on September 24, 2012
posted by belladonna at 4:41 PM on September 24, 2012
It wouldn't be weird until you made it seem weird by lying. Just introduce her as your sister-in-law.
posted by MsMolly at 5:30 PM on September 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 5:30 PM on September 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
Don't bring her. The accepted practice is to invite romantic partners (or usually just spouses) to work things. It's bizarre to bring a sister; a sister in law; a cousin, a best friend from childhood... any of those things. Doubly so if it confuses people into thinking you are dating your sister in law with your wife's permission, which it very well might.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:14 PM on September 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:14 PM on September 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
This ask is like a puzzle! Is your concern about how much detail to get into when describing your relationship to your guest within the context of work associates perhaps knowing that you are a lesbian and perhaps not personally knowing your partner? Considering the messed up status of marriage for gays in the United States the term "-in-law" can lead to unwanted questions about the legal status of your relationship, UGH! I can understand wanting to simplify and perhaps obfuscate to avoid that morass. (But it probably cannot be avoided.)
Assuming that it's appropriate for you to bring a guest who is not your SO to this event I can understand not wanting to simply say "this is Alice," especially if you are known to be gay or easily perceived to be gay, because then people will assume that Alice is your intimate partner when in fact she is not. And that's icky. So you want to present who she is, and "sister-in-law" is probably the closest approximation but possibly not literally accurate...
If those are, in fact, your concerns, I suggest you not refer to this person as your sister. I think I get how you and your spouse are arriving at this whole sister/sister-in-law conundrum (I could be way off) but I still think "sister-in-law" makes the most sense and I doubt anyone will ask any further questions. Or "this is Alice, my spouse Mary's sister."
My brother and his wife have a civil union and had a commitment ceremony but not a legal marriage. I like to playfully refer to my brother's wife as my "sister-in-common-law" or "my brother's opposite-gender domestic partner." She's a sister to me, really, but I don't use that term with anyone who doesn't already have an understanding of our relationship.
posted by palegirl at 6:21 PM on September 24, 2012
Assuming that it's appropriate for you to bring a guest who is not your SO to this event I can understand not wanting to simply say "this is Alice," especially if you are known to be gay or easily perceived to be gay, because then people will assume that Alice is your intimate partner when in fact she is not. And that's icky. So you want to present who she is, and "sister-in-law" is probably the closest approximation but possibly not literally accurate...
If those are, in fact, your concerns, I suggest you not refer to this person as your sister. I think I get how you and your spouse are arriving at this whole sister/sister-in-law conundrum (I could be way off) but I still think "sister-in-law" makes the most sense and I doubt anyone will ask any further questions. Or "this is Alice, my spouse Mary's sister."
My brother and his wife have a civil union and had a commitment ceremony but not a legal marriage. I like to playfully refer to my brother's wife as my "sister-in-common-law" or "my brother's opposite-gender domestic partner." She's a sister to me, really, but I don't use that term with anyone who doesn't already have an understanding of our relationship.
posted by palegirl at 6:21 PM on September 24, 2012
I typically refer to my half-sister as "my sister" instead of "my half-sister". I fairly frequently end up explaining that she's actually my half-sister and we didn't grow up together, even in passing conversations while she isn't even present. Nthing that people will figure it out and the attempt at concealment will just start people wondering even more.
posted by anaelith at 6:33 PM on September 24, 2012
posted by anaelith at 6:33 PM on September 24, 2012
Response by poster: Clarification -
This is being asked by a male person. (Sorry I didn't think to make clear that I was asking on behalf of someone else. copy-pasted and didn't catch the potential for confusion).
Despite the confusion resulting in amusing deviations and variations in scenario, many insightful comments were made -- thanks!
posted by hedonic.muse at 8:01 PM on September 24, 2012
This is being asked by a male person. (Sorry I didn't think to make clear that I was asking on behalf of someone else. copy-pasted and didn't catch the potential for confusion).
Despite the confusion resulting in amusing deviations and variations in scenario, many insightful comments were made -- thanks!
posted by hedonic.muse at 8:01 PM on September 24, 2012
The sister/sister in law thing is totally not the issue you should be concerned over.
If you're male and you're suggesting you room with you sister in law... yes, you are absolutely going to get some sideways looks and people are going to think your bringing her to be extremely suspect. A lot of people are going to believe you're having an affair with your sister in law, and that you're a shit for doing so, and any attemps to lie about your relationship with her will just pile on to the already very high sketchy pile of "what the hell is going on". It won't matter what the truth is. People are going to draw that conclusion and that is potentially going to colour your professional career.
If you are hell bent on having her come, At MINIMUM you should get her a separate room. I also agree with above that you should be upfront with your employer and confirm that it is okay for you to bring your sister in law instead of your wife. They may say it is fine, but they may tell you no, that isn't appropriate. It is better to know beforehand instead of just doing it and then getting in hot water with your boss for it.
This situation is so bizzare. I think it is so weird that you're concerned over what you should call her, all the while TOTALLY IGNORING the fact that her coming at all is odd, your sharing a hotel room with her is even more odd, and that you are risking having the people you work with draw very negative conclusions that are going to be hard to dispell. We can wish that the world wasn't like that. We can wish that we didn't live in a world where a married man can't bring his wife's sister to an office event and share a hotel room and not have them be thought to be adulterous. We can wish it wasn't that way, but it is that way for the majority of places.
For the record, if I went to an out-of-town office event like this and a married co-worker brought their sister in law instead of their wife, and they even shared a hotel room, I would without question assume they were having an affair and I would really question the co-worker's judgement and ethics from then on out. Maybe I'm a jerk for jumping to that conclusion, but that is what I would do, and I am sure I am not in the minority here. Any explanations of "Oh, we're just close." would seem like really weak excuses and I would be surprised they thought I was stupid enough for believing that there was nothing going on there.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 4:39 AM on September 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you're male and you're suggesting you room with you sister in law... yes, you are absolutely going to get some sideways looks and people are going to think your bringing her to be extremely suspect. A lot of people are going to believe you're having an affair with your sister in law, and that you're a shit for doing so, and any attemps to lie about your relationship with her will just pile on to the already very high sketchy pile of "what the hell is going on". It won't matter what the truth is. People are going to draw that conclusion and that is potentially going to colour your professional career.
If you are hell bent on having her come, At MINIMUM you should get her a separate room. I also agree with above that you should be upfront with your employer and confirm that it is okay for you to bring your sister in law instead of your wife. They may say it is fine, but they may tell you no, that isn't appropriate. It is better to know beforehand instead of just doing it and then getting in hot water with your boss for it.
This situation is so bizzare. I think it is so weird that you're concerned over what you should call her, all the while TOTALLY IGNORING the fact that her coming at all is odd, your sharing a hotel room with her is even more odd, and that you are risking having the people you work with draw very negative conclusions that are going to be hard to dispell. We can wish that the world wasn't like that. We can wish that we didn't live in a world where a married man can't bring his wife's sister to an office event and share a hotel room and not have them be thought to be adulterous. We can wish it wasn't that way, but it is that way for the majority of places.
For the record, if I went to an out-of-town office event like this and a married co-worker brought their sister in law instead of their wife, and they even shared a hotel room, I would without question assume they were having an affair and I would really question the co-worker's judgement and ethics from then on out. Maybe I'm a jerk for jumping to that conclusion, but that is what I would do, and I am sure I am not in the minority here. Any explanations of "Oh, we're just close." would seem like really weak excuses and I would be surprised they thought I was stupid enough for believing that there was nothing going on there.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 4:39 AM on September 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
To clarify, people are not going to see it as "a man bringing his sister-in-law because they are good friends, oh isn't that nice."
People are going to see it as "a man bringing a woman who is not his wife to an office event where spouses/siginifant others are intended to attend, and he is sharing a bedroom with a woman who is not his wife, and I'll bet every penny I have that they are having an affair".
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 4:41 AM on September 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
People are going to see it as "a man bringing a woman who is not his wife to an office event where spouses/siginifant others are intended to attend, and he is sharing a bedroom with a woman who is not his wife, and I'll bet every penny I have that they are having an affair".
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 4:41 AM on September 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
Don't bring her. The accepted practice is to invite romantic partners (or usually just spouses) to work things. It's bizarre to bring a sister; a sister in law; a cousin, a best friend from childhood... any of those things.
Yep. Plus the added weirdness of realizing that the person you introduced as "your sister" is actually your sister-in-law.
I am vaguely aware that my coworkers have parents and spouses and sometimes they drop that they have a significant other. Outside of that, I know little to nothing about the nuances of their family situation and social lives. You're defying the expectations of workplace etiquette by dragging your sister-in-law into this.
This is outside the issue of whether people would think you're having an affair with your sister-in-law. I really have no idea and lack those instincts to parse those kinds of social situations. It's mostly about "why is this person bringing an in-law/sibling to a work even and why is he being evasive of their precise relationship?"
posted by deanc at 7:21 AM on September 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Yep. Plus the added weirdness of realizing that the person you introduced as "your sister" is actually your sister-in-law.
I am vaguely aware that my coworkers have parents and spouses and sometimes they drop that they have a significant other. Outside of that, I know little to nothing about the nuances of their family situation and social lives. You're defying the expectations of workplace etiquette by dragging your sister-in-law into this.
This is outside the issue of whether people would think you're having an affair with your sister-in-law. I really have no idea and lack those instincts to parse those kinds of social situations. It's mostly about "why is this person bringing an in-law/sibling to a work even and why is he being evasive of their precise relationship?"
posted by deanc at 7:21 AM on September 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
kagredon: You are overthinking this. I can't imagine why anyone would give this more than a moment's thought, let alone care enough to feel deceived.I agree, but apparently this is anethema to several others. Not sure why they care so damned much; all you're really saying is, "We're kin". Much ado about nothing.
My sister-in-law and I are close; I say "sister" often because it's simpler. My family considers someone who marries in to be the same as blood (even if they later divorce - Catholic), so the phrase "son/daughter-in-law" is never heard.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:58 AM on September 25, 2012
OP, based on the answers you favorited, I'm DYING to know what professional capacity this trip refers to, such that it won't be considered questionable that you are sharing a room with your sister-in-law.
What did I (and others who answered in the same vein) miss? Was it something you might have included in your Ask that could have curtailed the speculation??
I'm so curious.
posted by jbenben at 12:45 AM on September 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
What did I (and others who answered in the same vein) miss? Was it something you might have included in your Ask that could have curtailed the speculation??
I'm so curious.
posted by jbenben at 12:45 AM on September 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
My sister-in-law calls me her sister sometimes, and I don't think it's weird. Then, my mother-in-law also refers to her sons' wives as her daughters, and leaves messages on my phone saying "Hi, Because, this is mom..." I'm a little more distant than they are about this sort of thing, not having grown up with very close family connections, but I don't think it's strange.
However, I also don't think it's necessary. "Sister-in-law", or nothing at all but the name, seems fine to me.
posted by Because at 10:42 AM on September 26, 2012
However, I also don't think it's necessary. "Sister-in-law", or nothing at all but the name, seems fine to me.
posted by Because at 10:42 AM on September 26, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by xingcat at 1:18 PM on September 24, 2012 [60 favorites]