Fiancee did cocaine and I'm not okay
August 9, 2012 7:38 PM Subscribe
My best friend of three years, lover, and fiancee did a line of coke today. Intellectually, it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I cannot stop freaking out. How can I be okay with this, and with him?
posted by anonymous to human relations (78 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
He was hanging out with a friend of his, with whom he often smokes (pot). I'm okay with the pot. In the past, this friend has also provided my fiancee with prescription antidepressants, which I made clear did not sit well with me. My fiancee does have legitimate issues with anxiety that are helped by antidepressants, so I encouraged him to see a doctor. He did, and now has his own, legal drugs that he uses responsibly as per the label instructions. He doesn't drink much, and has mostly quit cigarettes.
Today when I got home from work, he told me that he needed to say something and that I wouldn't like it. His friend had a bit of cocaine, and the two of them snorted it. He had never done anything harder than pot before this. I started crying pretty much immediately (he seemed surprised at that) and i told him I was okay, I just needed to be by myself to work it out in my head.
I went to a coffeeshop and wrote out how I felt, which boiled down to I love you, cocaine is not such a big deal, but I don't like that you did it or that your friend led you into it.
Intellectually, this is true. Cocaine is not too bad, as far as the hard drugs go. Once probably won't hurt him. I also don't blame the friend--my fiancee is an adult, and it was his choice. I'm merely concerned with how easily (it seems to me) that his friend's example led to him doing it himself. I was proud of myself for being level-headed and using non-blaming phrases like "I feel".
But when I got back, all my calm evaporated. Just opening up our apartment door was upsetting, and then when I saw him it got so much worse. I feel like I can't trust him anymore, like he's someone I don't know the way I thought I did.
To top it all off, we have an appointment tomorrow to discuss pre-cana with the priest who will marry us next year.
I don't know how to deal with this hurt. My fiancee is acting the way he always does when I'm not happy, which is a lot of "I love you" and "you're beautiful" and trying to touch me. I don't want to be touched--it was a difficult decision to even come back home after I took an hour-long cooldown walk. Relationships are hard sometimes and I'm not giving up on us, but I don't know what to say to him or to myself now.
He said sorry (after I was clearly not able to be okay with it), that he didn't enjoy the experience, and that he'd never do it again. (Intellectually) I have to give him a nod for telling me about it in the first place, and I made sure to tell him that I appreciated that.
But I'm so not okay, and I don't know how to make it okay. He doesn't seem to get it--he's playing an MMO with this friend, and talking about this friend to me. He's trying to get us back to normal as fast as possible, but I feel like normal is broken.
Can I fix normal?