Protecting myself from any further harm by scumbag doucheface.

August 2, 2012 1:55 PM

I was sexually assaulted a few days ago by a formerly-close friend of mine. What steps do I need to take now to protect myself later?

The Disgusting Sub-Human In Question (DS-HIQ) is currently finishing up law school. Because of the nature of the assault (I was asleep and was taken advantage of) DS-HIQ believes I'm unaware of what happened, and I have kept up the charade in order to get away with as little confrontation as possible (I was staying with him while out-of-town). I'm trying to take all the necessary steps to protect myself before I cut off all communication and inform him that I'm fully aware that he's equal to a barnacle on the ass of a maggot.

I don't plan on pressing charges, but I have since been reminded that he had some accusations made against him in college (before I knew him) which he turned into a "poor me, someone's accusing me of something I didn't do" situation, and I feel like it's important to guard myself from someone who's clearly got some power issues.

I have since told two mutual friends and three other close friends of mine of the encounter. One male friend suggested I leak the story to any friends that I think DS-HIQ will talk to so that I can be in control of how the story is told.

YANAL and YANML, but should I file a police report now, even if I never intend to press charges? Would there be any scenario in which DS-HIQ could try to debase my reputation (or worse?) in which having a police report already filed would be a good idea? I genuinely don't believe this will happen, but then again, I genuinely did not believe DS-HIQ would be a barnacle on the ass of a maggot.

Any other protective measures that I'm missing? Obviously I'll be blocking him on facebook, removing him from my phone, never talking to him again...

* I don't know if the details of the encounter are relevant. Anon email in case they are: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to Law & Government (19 answers total)

File a police report, even if you don't intend to press charges. It sounds like this guy has made a habit of assaulting people, and his next victim might choose to press charges. If she does, the case would be strengthened by prior unrelated reports of assault.
posted by workerant at 2:01 PM on August 2, 2012 [63 favorites]

File a police report immediately. Also, notify his school that you have done so. When he goes to apply for the bar and complete his character and fitness report, they will be very interested in knowing about this.

Then, please, please call your local rape crisis center. You will want someone to talk to eventually.

So sorry this happened to you.
posted by nubianinthedesert at 2:07 PM on August 2, 2012 [46 favorites]

Absolutely file a report. Do it before the sun sets.

Please talk to a rape counselor, the police should be able to refer you to resources in your area.

Do notify the school where he's attending law school as well as the state bar assn.

Take good care of yourself.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:10 PM on August 2, 2012 [9 favorites]

Please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline. They can answer questions about what it means to file a report, to press charges or to not press charges. These are choices that all of us are going to have an opinion about, but our opinions are not relevant to your choices. They can talk to you about practicalities if you like; you don't necessarily need to talk to them about it on a personal level.

If you want to destroy him, as you're talking about, that's one choice you can make too. I am NOT a lawyer and therefore not your lawyer, but I would say that to best take care of yourself, as you are talking about this with lots of people, you would rather be the one with the police report on hand than being the one potentially being frivolously sued for libel.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 2:13 PM on August 2, 2012 [17 favorites]

I'd strongly encourage you to call a rape crisis line and discuss your options and personal wishes.

I understand why infodiva would say, "He'll continue to commit rape until someone stops him," but that's not something any of us can put on you. It is your right to explore all possible options for responding to this. You do not "owe" anyone any particular response.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:21 PM on August 2, 2012 [10 favorites]

I would file a report. Not for yourself, neceserily, but for the people he will rape in the future.
posted by munchingzombie at 2:35 PM on August 2, 2012 [4 favorites]

I don't have any legal advice for you, but I agree that calling a hotline or getting some other kind of assistance before making the report could be helpful. I filed a police report after being physically (not sexually) assaulted by a boyfriend ten years ago, and I was shocked by and totally unprepared for how little they took me seriously. The cop who took my report didn't seem to think it was even worth his time, since I didn't have visible bruises and it took me a few weeks to get the nerve to file. I found it almost as emotionally devastating as the assault itself.

I'm not suggesting that all police officers are like that, and I certainly hope that ten years later, law enforcement is generally better about how they treat victims - I just wanted to bring up the possibility so you can be prepared, just in case. Maybe a hotline could give you tips on how to best go about it, or even let you know if there are victim services available so you don't have to do this all alone.
posted by Neely O'Hara at 2:37 PM on August 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

IANAL, IAASAA (I am a sexual assault advocate.) Something that might be helpful to know - in my state, you do not choose whether or not to press charges - the prosecuting attorney decides that. And if it goes to trial, your involvement may end up being much more than you had initially planned on when filing a report.

I also recommend calling a rape crisis line, and if there is one local to you, all the better. You'll be able to talk to an advocate who will be able to give you more information about the options available, especially re: filing a police report, and may also have other resources available if you are interested now or even in the future.

You do not owe a police report to anybody. You owe yourself good care and whatever feels right to you. Please memail me if you want.
posted by rocketing at 2:42 PM on August 2, 2012 [19 favorites]

I would guess that the first women or two he raped didn't file charges, and that's why he felt free to rape you.

Please do not make this assumption. The person who is to blame for your attacker's behaviour is your attacker, and not his previous victims. Please do file a police report. Do it now, don't wait - the longer you wait, the more suspect your statement will be. I am so sorry this happened to you, and so sorry the reality of this situation sucks so fucking much.

PS: I don't know where you're located, but you might consider covertly taping the conversation when you let him know that you know perfectly well what he's done. I absolutely would.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:53 PM on August 2, 2012 [13 favorites]

You do not have to file a police report. Not filing a police report does not mean you are responsible for anything this fucker does in the future. And the women who didn't file reports in the past are not responsible for what he did to you or what he did in the past. I really, really strongly disagree with the first commenters. You should do what you feel comfortable with and what you feel is right. You do not need to do what other people think is right or what they think they would be comfortable with.

It can be very difficult to file a sexual assault report. Some people choose not to because it is hard to do. That's okay. If you want to file a report, it might be possible for someone at your local rape crisis center to come with you. If you want to file a report, that's okay, too.

Rocketing is giving some good info - the same thing about pressing charges is true in my district as well. Some people do not feel comfortable filing a report knowing that they cannot choose if they testify or not. Neely O'Hara's experience can be true as well. Also, it might be useful to check the rules if you contact his school - they might not be bound to protect your privacy, for example. They also might not care. Campus police are notoriously horrible when dealing with assault. I hope that this is not the case, but it could be.

I would recommend as well calling a rape crisis line, who will be able to tell you what police procedure is like in your area, how reporting works, and potential impact on your life.

Take care of yourself.
posted by quadrilaterals at 2:57 PM on August 2, 2012

Promptly make an appointment for a routine gyno exam and STD testing. If there is the remotest possibility of pregnancy, get tested or take Plan B.

After that has been addressed, get informed about the pros and cons of filing a police report. Even if you do not file, make sure your medical records clearly indicated you are reporting a rape and the exam is due to that. Then if you do not file but get, say, called into court five years down the road or some crap, there will be records. A doctor is likely to handle the situation in a kinder manner than some police officers.

Then start making plans to very quietly cut this person off, preferably without making it apparent to them. If you are looking for self protection, not cluing them is the best way to handle that piece of it.

I am so sorry. Do not hesitate to write me (from uour anonymous adress, I am assuming) at some future date if you want to discuss this for any reason.
posted by Michele in California at 3:11 PM on August 2, 2012

(It's victim-blaming to imply that a sexual assault/rape survivor is to blame for her rapist's future crimes because she did not feel safe/choose not to/was unable to report her rape.)

Steps to take now:

1. Gyno exam and STD testing. Schedule another appointment for both in about 3 months. Planned Parenthood will have your back if you need them.

2. Get Plan B if you are in the window for it to be effective. If not, then see if your doc will do a blood test to see if you are pregnant. A blood test will show if you are earlier.

Optionals:
1. After my rape, I found it useful to journal, just so that I had a sense of my initial reactions.

2. File a police report, if this is something you feel safe and comfortable doing. While this can hurt you (sometimes, rape surivivors get racked over the coals and lied to when they report that someone raped them), it may be empowering (since it will have consequences for him as well) and might serve as documentation if you need to get a restraining order.
posted by spunweb at 3:25 PM on August 2, 2012 [4 favorites]

There are pros and cons to telling other people, the perpetrator's law school, or the bar association what happened too. You may have a certain amount of privilege from defamation claims in a police report that you won't have if you spread the information otherwise. It seems like a good idea to talk to an attorney before doing anything. You may want to look for one that specializes in the issues of crime victims.
posted by grouse at 3:28 PM on August 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Nthing a gyno workup as soon as possible. If any physical evidence of the assault remains, have the doctor thoroughly document it.
posted by delight at 3:47 PM on August 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

You know what, there is no "should" here. He stole your trust and violated your body and at this point, you need only do what feels right for you. If you want to file a police report, by all means do so. You may want to bring an advocate (any good local sexual assault agency can help you obtain one) so you have someone there for you if the police push hard for more than you want to do, like further interviews with prosecutors or lineups.

In terms of dealing with him, this is also entirely your call. Your instinct to avoid him suggests that's what you need right now. This happened to me too -- though I was awake for the experience and trying uselessly to get my "friend" rapist to stop - and it took me several years before I was able to confront him. (And I never did make a police report.)

I think it is often helpful to talk to a sexual assault agency in the wake of a rape, but again, this depends on you.

One other option that exists in my state is a sexual assault protection order. It's a civil order a victim can seek. Again, whether you want or would feel better getting one is your call, and it wouldn't hurt to talk to an advocate or agency about whether that option is open to you and of interest.

The main things are -- 1) Take care of yourself. 2) Reach out for help if you want to do so. It can be a good thing if you find yourself enraged or besieged with intrusive thoughts. 3) Whether or not he assaults someone again is on him, not you. Ignore the people above trying to tag you with responsibility for this creep's behavior.

Memail me as well if you want to discuss more. Besides the lovely experience of having this happen to me, I was a rape relief advocate and then a sexual assault prosecutor for many years.
posted by bearwife at 3:51 PM on August 2, 2012 [6 favorites]

I would encourage you to file a report. You are absolutely not responsible for this guy's future actions, but you could be part of the machine that prevents him from getting away with it. As someone has said, sometimes it's not up to you to press charges, but the state - perhaps those college reports are on file and yours may be the tipping point that makes the state say, "enough is enough".

BUT, as many of the above have said, it should be up to you.

If you do report it to the police, I would also suggest you take one of the friends you've already spoken to about this with you for moral support.
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 8:03 PM on August 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

A few quick thoughts, but first, a disclaimer: I'm not your lawyer. I practice criminal law for defendants, not for victim advocacy.

I would strongly discourage you from doing anything that affects your future without first consulting with a legal professional. Filing a report might be a very good idea. Then again, if you don't really want to get involved in a legal process, filing a report might start events into motion that you can't stop (what if you really don't feel comfortable testifying at trial and then a prosecutor subpoenas you and you're faced with testifying when you don't want to vs. contempt of court for not showing up.)

Any competent criminal law attorney can go through all your options in an hour or less of time. Some criminal lawyers actually specialize in victim's rights. And a lawyer is one of the few professionals whose mandatory reporter requirements are generally trumped by client confidentiality, so if you DON'T want to file a police report or press charges after talking to your lawyer, the process won't get launched anyway, the way it might if you start by talking to a non-lawyer.
posted by Happydaz at 9:46 PM on August 2, 2012

PS: I don't know where you're located, but you might consider covertly taping the conversation when you let him know that you know perfectly well what he's done. I absolutely would.

State-by-state recording laws - this may be legal or illegal, depending on location.

Also, I'd be concerned for the potential for violence if this was done somewhere secluded and not, say, a coffeeshop.

I can imagine a situation where you could work with a da / police to get a warrant and be fitted with a wire, but this is rather baroque; a lawyer who practices victim's advocacy or similar professional would be the person to talk to.

Please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline.
This is probably your best bet. (The hotline of) a local women's shelter would also be good way to find local people.
posted by sebastienbailard at 10:38 PM on August 2, 2012

I'm saying this for the second time on Metafilter, and that says shitty things about the state of the world and the rapists in it. You are sadly, far from alone in this.

I was raped. I did not file a police report at the time, and it really fucked me over later when I was trying to get a restraining order. The judge actually suggested that if I'd really been raped, why would I not have filed a police report? He wasn't right - he was a douchebag - but there are many douchebags in this world, and it's a good thing to be mindful of.

That said, I also filed a police report a few years later. Because there isn't a statute of limitations on it in most states, and you can choose to do it late or soon, as you want. Prosecutors also almost never prosecute without the consent of the victim - because rape cases are hard even WITH the victim testifying, they're nightmarishly hard without. Don't worry that it will be used against you.

But again, that's your choice. I finally filed for future women, but you are totally not responsible if you don't and he rapes again. The only person responsible for your rape is your rapist.

You may also want to check into sending a letter to the bar association, to make sure this scumbag never becomes a lawyer.
posted by corb at 10:17 AM on August 3, 2012 [1 favorite]