My best friend is both angering and worrying me. I don't know what to do.
June 11, 2012 9:32 AM Subscribe
My best friend is both angering and worrying me. I don't know what to do.
My best friend (BFF) and I have known each other for over five years. She has always been kind, thoughtful, extremely smart, and very funny.
Over the last year or so, she has changed in a number of ways that make me really concerned about her. My mother has borderline personality disorder, so I'm familiar with mental illness. Some of my friend's behaviors make me wonder if something is going on:
* She was in a live-in three-year relationship that ended over a year ago. Since then, she has come out as bisexual and has not spent more than a few weeks alone. She goes on dates constantly but never sees any of them again because she dismisses any small thing they do as them "not liking her." I was at a party with her a few months ago where she spent the entire time holding court on the couch very depressed and talking about how awful her love life is; the next day, she was completely happy and left our dinner and drinks early because she "wanted to go get laid."
* She was always a bit flaky, but she's now late to everything. I waited for her for 45 minutes at a coffee shop a few weeks ago. If I ask her if she's coming to an event that I e-mailed her about weeks ago, she acts like she's never heard about it. She makes plans and then bails at the last second.
* Our mutual friends (a couple) were in from out of town this weekend - BFF and I went to visit them together a few months ago. I saw this couple on Saturday and we had made plans for Sunday that fell through. I told them that I would be in touch with them later in the day about doing something before they left town. BFF and I were at an event in the afternoon. She asked if the assembled group (which did not include the couple) all wanted to get dinner after the event. She made a reservation for all of us to go. Then as we were leaving the event, she said she was going to go somewhere else with her other friends and left us there. I told BFF as she was leaving that I was going to text the out-of-towners about getting together because I wanted to see them one last time. I texted them about coming to dinner with our contingent, and they texted me back that BFF had just invited them to her dinner. I was pretty livid. This was not the first time she's done something like this. There are a few friends of mine that I have introduced to her that I now no longer see because she invites them to things without me constantly.
I'm really worried about her, but I'm also so done with this behavior. I e-mailed her this morning about what happened yesterday and she just said multiple times that it was never her intention to keep the out-of-towners away from me.. and yet she made a reservation for me and our other friends at a different restaurant from her. In my e-mail, I told her that I was worried about her because she's been so different this last year. She ignored that part of my e-mail.
I've told her that we maybe shouldn't hang out for awhile, but that's a temporary solution. What do I do now? Am I overreacting or is this bizarre, worrying behavior?
My best friend (BFF) and I have known each other for over five years. She has always been kind, thoughtful, extremely smart, and very funny.
Over the last year or so, she has changed in a number of ways that make me really concerned about her. My mother has borderline personality disorder, so I'm familiar with mental illness. Some of my friend's behaviors make me wonder if something is going on:
* She was in a live-in three-year relationship that ended over a year ago. Since then, she has come out as bisexual and has not spent more than a few weeks alone. She goes on dates constantly but never sees any of them again because she dismisses any small thing they do as them "not liking her." I was at a party with her a few months ago where she spent the entire time holding court on the couch very depressed and talking about how awful her love life is; the next day, she was completely happy and left our dinner and drinks early because she "wanted to go get laid."
* She was always a bit flaky, but she's now late to everything. I waited for her for 45 minutes at a coffee shop a few weeks ago. If I ask her if she's coming to an event that I e-mailed her about weeks ago, she acts like she's never heard about it. She makes plans and then bails at the last second.
* Our mutual friends (a couple) were in from out of town this weekend - BFF and I went to visit them together a few months ago. I saw this couple on Saturday and we had made plans for Sunday that fell through. I told them that I would be in touch with them later in the day about doing something before they left town. BFF and I were at an event in the afternoon. She asked if the assembled group (which did not include the couple) all wanted to get dinner after the event. She made a reservation for all of us to go. Then as we were leaving the event, she said she was going to go somewhere else with her other friends and left us there. I told BFF as she was leaving that I was going to text the out-of-towners about getting together because I wanted to see them one last time. I texted them about coming to dinner with our contingent, and they texted me back that BFF had just invited them to her dinner. I was pretty livid. This was not the first time she's done something like this. There are a few friends of mine that I have introduced to her that I now no longer see because she invites them to things without me constantly.
I'm really worried about her, but I'm also so done with this behavior. I e-mailed her this morning about what happened yesterday and she just said multiple times that it was never her intention to keep the out-of-towners away from me.. and yet she made a reservation for me and our other friends at a different restaurant from her. In my e-mail, I told her that I was worried about her because she's been so different this last year. She ignored that part of my e-mail.
I've told her that we maybe shouldn't hang out for awhile, but that's a temporary solution. What do I do now? Am I overreacting or is this bizarre, worrying behavior?
Nothing that you've written makes me concerned that there are serious mental health issues going on. Which is not to say that there aren't, you just haven't detailed anything but jerky behavior.
posted by OmieWise at 9:41 AM on June 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by OmieWise at 9:41 AM on June 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
Trust your gut on this one.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:48 AM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 9:48 AM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
"You haven't seemed yourself lately. What's up? Is there something you want to tell me?"
Talk to her in person or over the phone. Emails are easy to ignore.
posted by girlmightlive at 9:49 AM on June 11, 2012
Talk to her in person or over the phone. Emails are easy to ignore.
posted by girlmightlive at 9:49 AM on June 11, 2012
It sounds like she's being a jerk, for sure. If that's because of some kind of anxiety or depression or whatever, it doesn't let her off the hook. I say this as someone who has had huge issues with both her whole life, too.
Tell her she's being a jerk and you're sick of it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:52 AM on June 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
Tell her she's being a jerk and you're sick of it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:52 AM on June 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
Take some time off from your BFF because this is not nice behavior. That doesn't mean that you dump her, just wait for her to come to you because it sounds like she's working theough some things and doesn't want to talk with you about it. I have an old friend like this whom I love dearly, but annoys the snot out of me when he pulls this crap. His flakiness increases proportionally to his insecurity and need for romantic attention. When he gets like this, I just back off for a few months until he comes down to earth (talking with him using I-feel statements was no good--he just gets defensive but YMMV).
posted by smirkette at 9:52 AM on June 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by smirkette at 9:52 AM on June 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
Honestly, it sounds like she's just being single and re-figuring out who she is now that the relationship ended. My single friends exhibit a lot of this type of behavior and I know I was definitely guilty of it as well when I was freshly single.
What works for me is to lower my expectations of people in this situation. Seriously, take whatever it is that you used to expect from her and toss it out the window. It will help you keep your sanity, and then when situations with her do positively deliver, you'll be pleasantly surprised.
To combat the lateness, I made it my personal policy to tell whomever is the late offender to let me know if they are going to be more than 15 minutes late in advance if possible. If I'm at XYZ and waiting for someone, I know that 30 minutes is usually my tolerance level and I'll just leave. This may not be the best reaction, but it works for me. It's happened once or twice where a flakey friend was 30 minutes late and I just got up and left. I received a text saying "hey where are you, I'm here!" and my response is just a non-angry, matter-of-fact "oh, sorry. I left after waiting for 30 minutes." Lesson learned.
posted by floweredfish at 9:59 AM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
What works for me is to lower my expectations of people in this situation. Seriously, take whatever it is that you used to expect from her and toss it out the window. It will help you keep your sanity, and then when situations with her do positively deliver, you'll be pleasantly surprised.
To combat the lateness, I made it my personal policy to tell whomever is the late offender to let me know if they are going to be more than 15 minutes late in advance if possible. If I'm at XYZ and waiting for someone, I know that 30 minutes is usually my tolerance level and I'll just leave. This may not be the best reaction, but it works for me. It's happened once or twice where a flakey friend was 30 minutes late and I just got up and left. I received a text saying "hey where are you, I'm here!" and my response is just a non-angry, matter-of-fact "oh, sorry. I left after waiting for 30 minutes." Lesson learned.
posted by floweredfish at 9:59 AM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
* She was in a live-in three-year relationship that ended over a year ago. Since then, she has come out as bisexual and has not spent more than a few weeks alone.
Sounds like either 1) she felt as if she was wasting her time in the last relationship, and now is looking to consumer life with complete abandon, or 2) she's distracting herself from the pain. Whilst the latter is not an ideal coping strategy, it doesn't seem dangerous in itself if she's taking appropriate precautions.
She goes on dates constantly but never sees any of them again because she dismisses any small thing they do as them "not liking her." I was at a party with her a few months ago where she spent the entire time holding court on the couch very depressed and talking about how awful her love life is; the next day, she was completely happy and left our dinner and drinks early because she "wanted to go get laid."
Three years is a long time. There's lots of potential reasons, from she may have lost her identity to god knows what was going on. A year seems like a lot compared with a day, but not compared with three years. The key is that her behaviours may well prevent her from finding another permanent relationship, but it doesn't sound like she wants that at the moment.
* She was always a bit flaky, but she's now late to everything. I waited for her for 45 minutes at a coffee shop a few weeks ago. If I ask her if she's coming to an event that I e-mailed her about weeks ago, she acts like she's never heard about it. She makes plans and then bails at the last second.
Sounds like she's just completely wrapped up in herself at the moment. It feels to me (and I may be wrong) that her last relationship took a lot out of her. It seems as if she just wants to 'live' as much as possible and wants to focus on herself. She may have well lost herself in the last relationship and is now going the other direction to find herself.
* Our mutual friends (a couple) were in from out of town this weekend - BFF and I went to visit them together a few months ago. I saw this couple on Saturday and we had made plans for Sunday that fell through. I told them that I would be in touch with them later in the day about doing something before they left town. BFF and I were at an event in the afternoon. She asked if the assembled group (which did not include the couple) all wanted to get dinner after the event. She made a reservation for all of us to go. Then as we were leaving the event, she said she was going to go somewhere else with her other friends and left us there. I told BFF as she was leaving that I was going to text the out-of-towners about getting together because I wanted to see them one last time. I texted them about coming to dinner with our contingent, and they texted me back that BFF had just invited them to her dinner. I was pretty livid. This was not the first time she's done something like this. There are a few friends of mine that I have introduced to her that I now no longer see because she invites them to things without me constantly.
Ah, the real issue. She's cutting you out of her life on occasion and taking people with her. Rather than anger, you're looking for psychological explanations. Do you want this to be a phase of hers that at some point passes, and you have your old friend back?
I find it interesting that you mention your mother's borderline personality disorder.
A good friend came from a family of bipolar individuals. It was a big realisation to him when it turns out that lots of people he considered were bipolar and took a lot of stress from, were in fact, just assholes.
That you immediately wonder about your friend's psychological health rather than feel your boundaries are being violated may be similar. If your mother was BPD, you probably went through a lot of situations of extreme drama where you were never sure if the drama was real or not. It's hard with those conditions because the interactions can be so bad, but there's a loving person trapped beneath the condition. Thus, you have to kind of take the good with the bad, not reacting to the dramatic side, whilst enjoying the genuine side when it appears.
I would have a hard think if you're conflating your friend's behaviour with your experience of your mother. It does sound like you are 'waiting for your friend to snap out of it' as you may well have had to 'wait for your mother to snap out of it'. Only your mother had a condition whereas your friend has a set of behaviours.
I would also entertain the possibility that your friend's last relationship did a number on her, and she's decided to become a different kind of person in the aftermath. That's neither a good nor a bad thing, rather they are choices she is making – the choices she probably feels she needs to make. None seem highly threatening, rather they seem rather selfish.
Overall, she may be mentally ill, but I doubt it. I think maybe you are having a hard time letting go of her and/or accepting who she is becoming. Your history may predispose you to subjugate your feelings in the face of people changing. I am surprised you don't feel as least some degree of anger or at least annoyance, in addition to concern.
Maybe spend the next few weeks letting her be. Do your own thing and forget about it for now. Come back in a few weeks, have a coffee and see what percolates. I doubt she'll change, but either you'll want to accept this new version of her or you won't.
Tough situation man, good luck.
posted by nickrussell at 10:04 AM on June 11, 2012 [17 favorites]
Sounds like either 1) she felt as if she was wasting her time in the last relationship, and now is looking to consumer life with complete abandon, or 2) she's distracting herself from the pain. Whilst the latter is not an ideal coping strategy, it doesn't seem dangerous in itself if she's taking appropriate precautions.
She goes on dates constantly but never sees any of them again because she dismisses any small thing they do as them "not liking her." I was at a party with her a few months ago where she spent the entire time holding court on the couch very depressed and talking about how awful her love life is; the next day, she was completely happy and left our dinner and drinks early because she "wanted to go get laid."
Three years is a long time. There's lots of potential reasons, from she may have lost her identity to god knows what was going on. A year seems like a lot compared with a day, but not compared with three years. The key is that her behaviours may well prevent her from finding another permanent relationship, but it doesn't sound like she wants that at the moment.
* She was always a bit flaky, but she's now late to everything. I waited for her for 45 minutes at a coffee shop a few weeks ago. If I ask her if she's coming to an event that I e-mailed her about weeks ago, she acts like she's never heard about it. She makes plans and then bails at the last second.
Sounds like she's just completely wrapped up in herself at the moment. It feels to me (and I may be wrong) that her last relationship took a lot out of her. It seems as if she just wants to 'live' as much as possible and wants to focus on herself. She may have well lost herself in the last relationship and is now going the other direction to find herself.
* Our mutual friends (a couple) were in from out of town this weekend - BFF and I went to visit them together a few months ago. I saw this couple on Saturday and we had made plans for Sunday that fell through. I told them that I would be in touch with them later in the day about doing something before they left town. BFF and I were at an event in the afternoon. She asked if the assembled group (which did not include the couple) all wanted to get dinner after the event. She made a reservation for all of us to go. Then as we were leaving the event, she said she was going to go somewhere else with her other friends and left us there. I told BFF as she was leaving that I was going to text the out-of-towners about getting together because I wanted to see them one last time. I texted them about coming to dinner with our contingent, and they texted me back that BFF had just invited them to her dinner. I was pretty livid. This was not the first time she's done something like this. There are a few friends of mine that I have introduced to her that I now no longer see because she invites them to things without me constantly.
Ah, the real issue. She's cutting you out of her life on occasion and taking people with her. Rather than anger, you're looking for psychological explanations. Do you want this to be a phase of hers that at some point passes, and you have your old friend back?
I find it interesting that you mention your mother's borderline personality disorder.
A good friend came from a family of bipolar individuals. It was a big realisation to him when it turns out that lots of people he considered were bipolar and took a lot of stress from, were in fact, just assholes.
That you immediately wonder about your friend's psychological health rather than feel your boundaries are being violated may be similar. If your mother was BPD, you probably went through a lot of situations of extreme drama where you were never sure if the drama was real or not. It's hard with those conditions because the interactions can be so bad, but there's a loving person trapped beneath the condition. Thus, you have to kind of take the good with the bad, not reacting to the dramatic side, whilst enjoying the genuine side when it appears.
I would have a hard think if you're conflating your friend's behaviour with your experience of your mother. It does sound like you are 'waiting for your friend to snap out of it' as you may well have had to 'wait for your mother to snap out of it'. Only your mother had a condition whereas your friend has a set of behaviours.
I would also entertain the possibility that your friend's last relationship did a number on her, and she's decided to become a different kind of person in the aftermath. That's neither a good nor a bad thing, rather they are choices she is making – the choices she probably feels she needs to make. None seem highly threatening, rather they seem rather selfish.
Overall, she may be mentally ill, but I doubt it. I think maybe you are having a hard time letting go of her and/or accepting who she is becoming. Your history may predispose you to subjugate your feelings in the face of people changing. I am surprised you don't feel as least some degree of anger or at least annoyance, in addition to concern.
Maybe spend the next few weeks letting her be. Do your own thing and forget about it for now. Come back in a few weeks, have a coffee and see what percolates. I doubt she'll change, but either you'll want to accept this new version of her or you won't.
Tough situation man, good luck.
posted by nickrussell at 10:04 AM on June 11, 2012 [17 favorites]
I just want to point out that this:
There are a few friends of mine that I have introduced to her that I now no longer see because she invites them to things without me constantly.
is not just a her thing, but also your other friends.
I'm a touch confused at how you are taking the last incident because it's unclear to me whether BFF knew that you wanted to invite the couple to the dinner that she was not attending. It is rude to make reservations with one group and ditch them for another though, but she honestly sounds more selfish than disturbed.
I personally would distance myself from her for a bit. I don't think there is much you can really do because I think her ignoring that last bit of your email means she either doesn't see the problem or doesn't want to hear it. Forcing her to do so will probably cause further harm to the relationshp.
posted by sm1tten at 10:37 AM on June 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
There are a few friends of mine that I have introduced to her that I now no longer see because she invites them to things without me constantly.
is not just a her thing, but also your other friends.
I'm a touch confused at how you are taking the last incident because it's unclear to me whether BFF knew that you wanted to invite the couple to the dinner that she was not attending. It is rude to make reservations with one group and ditch them for another though, but she honestly sounds more selfish than disturbed.
I personally would distance myself from her for a bit. I don't think there is much you can really do because I think her ignoring that last bit of your email means she either doesn't see the problem or doesn't want to hear it. Forcing her to do so will probably cause further harm to the relationshp.
posted by sm1tten at 10:37 AM on June 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'd just like to throw out the possibility that you might be contributing to this situation. I don't see anything particularly disturbing that she's done that would make me worry. Asshole moves, for sure, but it sounds like selfish, insecure stuff that she'll probably work through.
Maybe shes been feeling a bit judged by you for sleeping around casually? Maybe she can sense you trying to diagnose her with a mental illness? Maybe you've become a bit unfun to hang out with? It doesn't excuse her rude behavior, but I'd want to think hard about how I'd been treating her.
posted by hannahelastic at 11:21 AM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Maybe shes been feeling a bit judged by you for sleeping around casually? Maybe she can sense you trying to diagnose her with a mental illness? Maybe you've become a bit unfun to hang out with? It doesn't excuse her rude behavior, but I'd want to think hard about how I'd been treating her.
posted by hannahelastic at 11:21 AM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Meet your friend, hash it out, and if she doesn't get or acknowledge that she is being totally self-absorbed, then take a break from the friendship.
This this this.
posted by THAT William Mize at 12:16 PM on June 11, 2012 [3 favorites]
This this this.
posted by THAT William Mize at 12:16 PM on June 11, 2012 [3 favorites]
Do meet with your friend one on one and tell her how her behavior makes you feel. Don't try to be a DA with it, names, dates, places, just that when she bails on you, ditches you for others or excludes you, that you feel.......however it is that you feel.
Either what she says will appease you, or it will just piss you off even more. If you feel that it's just been miscommunication and bad timing for her, then you can choose to give her another chance.
If it turns out that your BFF is a flake, always has been a flake and now seems to have a touch of Mean Girl in her, then you can start extricating yourself from her orbit.
You have mutual friends, so I'd caution you not to badmouth her to them, or bitch about the situation. That will just make them feel like they have to take sides.
Don't avoid her in social situations, if she's at a party, nod at her or make small talk, but you don't owe her more than that.
Sometimes our friends just don't fit into our lives in the same way. What was adorable in our twenties when we were all single, is annoying as shit when we're 40.
Spend time with other folks, try not to take any of this to heart.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:19 PM on June 11, 2012
Either what she says will appease you, or it will just piss you off even more. If you feel that it's just been miscommunication and bad timing for her, then you can choose to give her another chance.
If it turns out that your BFF is a flake, always has been a flake and now seems to have a touch of Mean Girl in her, then you can start extricating yourself from her orbit.
You have mutual friends, so I'd caution you not to badmouth her to them, or bitch about the situation. That will just make them feel like they have to take sides.
Don't avoid her in social situations, if she's at a party, nod at her or make small talk, but you don't owe her more than that.
Sometimes our friends just don't fit into our lives in the same way. What was adorable in our twenties when we were all single, is annoying as shit when we're 40.
Spend time with other folks, try not to take any of this to heart.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:19 PM on June 11, 2012
I hate to say it, but from what you've described here it seems that your friend is pushing you away in a more conscious way then you may want to believe. While she may have some "issues" as well, it seems that she has decided to spend less time with you for what ever reason that may be. She sounds like the type of person who was super needy as a friend, asked you for lots of favors(which you probably always did), and now all of a sudden doesn't have a "need" for you and so she's not giving you the time of day. At the very least, your friend sounds like a munipulitive, self centered, low class person. If I was you, I would simply stop calling, emailing, texting. My guess is that within a few weeks you'll start hearing from her all the time. She'll see you're not paying attention and she'll want the attention. Then it's up to you whether to get back into a "friendship" with her. But as soon as this behavior starts again I would sit her down and have a firm talk about how her behavior has been really hurtful to you and that if it continues you won't be able to be friends with her anymore. And if you stop contacting her and she doesn't contact you...let her go. This is just my opinion here, but you seem like to good of a person to be wasting your time with such a flaky, egotistical, selfish person.
posted by ljs30 at 2:02 PM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by ljs30 at 2:02 PM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Dealing with people who are late: my mom had a dear friend who could not arrive on time; just part of who she was. My mom is one of those disgustingly punctual people, so this caused problems. Her solution was always to agree to meet somewhere my mom didn't mind hanging out at alone, then mom would bring a book or two to entertain herself while she waited. May or may not work for you, but it's an option.
Personally, I'm wondering if there's stuff you don't know going on; the meeting with out-of-towners separately could be her or could be out-of-towners, for example. I know with my friends i have one who often doesn't participate in large groups for Personal Reasons, and I had to talk to that person to figure out what was going on.
Like others, I see no sign of "mental illness" per se in play unless you're citing the "everyone could have it apply to them" diagnosis of Adjustment Disorder (literally, your life circumstances changed and you're having difficulty coping with it). I don't think approaching your friend as Person With Possible Mental Illness is good for either of you or your relationship.
posted by Deoridhe at 2:40 PM on June 11, 2012
Personally, I'm wondering if there's stuff you don't know going on; the meeting with out-of-towners separately could be her or could be out-of-towners, for example. I know with my friends i have one who often doesn't participate in large groups for Personal Reasons, and I had to talk to that person to figure out what was going on.
Like others, I see no sign of "mental illness" per se in play unless you're citing the "everyone could have it apply to them" diagnosis of Adjustment Disorder (literally, your life circumstances changed and you're having difficulty coping with it). I don't think approaching your friend as Person With Possible Mental Illness is good for either of you or your relationship.
posted by Deoridhe at 2:40 PM on June 11, 2012
It doesn't sound like mental illness to me. It sounds like she's pushing you away because she doesn't want to hang out with you for some reason, probably because she's enjoying her new single girl lifestyle and whatever new things and people she's gotten into in this new phase of her life.
Nothing you mentioned is consistent with mental illness; and everything you said, especially the business about setting up a separate rendezvous with your mutual friends after blowing you off and making a reservation for you elsewhere... come on. That's not mania. That's just not wanting you around. Ditto the bailing on plans at the last second (why? Because something higher on her priority list came along, that's why.)
I'm sorry, I know it really really hurts. And I think it's very ugly that some people in this thread are suggesting that you deserve it somehow.
All friendships have lifespans, even the really old ones we think are solid and forever.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:53 PM on June 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
Nothing you mentioned is consistent with mental illness; and everything you said, especially the business about setting up a separate rendezvous with your mutual friends after blowing you off and making a reservation for you elsewhere... come on. That's not mania. That's just not wanting you around. Ditto the bailing on plans at the last second (why? Because something higher on her priority list came along, that's why.)
I'm sorry, I know it really really hurts. And I think it's very ugly that some people in this thread are suggesting that you deserve it somehow.
All friendships have lifespans, even the really old ones we think are solid and forever.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:53 PM on June 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
It does suck that she is being flakey to you. Maybe you remind her of the last chapter in her life and she is unconsciously distancing herself from you that way. I don't think you are overreacting to being edged out, but I don't think she is acting this way because she is mentally ill, just in a state of change while you are back where she left you.
posted by cakebatter at 9:40 AM on June 11, 2012 [2 favorites]