I feel really fed up and I don't know why or what to do about it. My current situation may be the best one for me at the moment, so why do I feel unhappy? (A lot of long snowflakiness inside.)
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (16 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Mona's Law in Tales of the City said you can have a hot lover, a hot job and a hot apartment, but not all three at the same time. I don't on the surface have anything to complain about, so why do I feel so depressed?
Job - I work in an interesting field, which I can't name because there are few who do my exact job. Sometimes it's very intellectually stimulating, sometimes it's just a case of coming in and getting the work done. I've been here for four years which is the longest I've held a job - I'm not sure if this is why I'm feeling restless. I've gone off office life recently as my co-workers can be very gossipy and spend a lot of time discussing diet/exercise which does not interest me as a topic of conversation, and feels (I may be projecting) like I'm being judged by proxy. I have bipolar disorder so can feel paranoid or not part of the crowd often, and this doesn't help. I'm not sure if this is why I feel particularly...not unhappy, but a sense of ennui about work. The job pays well enough and I don't find it difficult, so there is no stress regarding money or too much to do for the moment.
Home - I was 30 this year and I live in a shared house - more specifically, as a lodger. My landlord is middle-aged, and another person lives there but I rarely see them. As a lodger, I don't have the freedom I had when I shared a place - difficult to invite people to stay, have parties etc. The rent is very cheap, the landlord is nice. But I feel like I'm too old to live in a shared place anymore, I'm tired of coming home and having to make small talk (I don't have a huge amount in common with landlord although we get on), or having to keep all my life in one room. However, based on a friend's experience, renting a place of my own would double my expenses. I'm telling myself that the sensible option is to stay put while I pay off some debt, as I do not want to see that increase in costs while carrying a credit card debt, but I feel really unhappy and I find I don't want to go home sometimes for no particular reason. A few days ago I binge-ate my way through my cupboard then made myself throw up, and I don't know why. I have days when I want to come home and just cry, and days when I want to come home and throw myself into an elaborate project to distract myself, and space/social norms won't let me do this. Generally on these days I will come home, make a quick meal, take it upstairs and eat on my bed, and then leave my laptop on while I surf or watch TV while doing other stuff (chores/craft etc.)
Lover - I have a long-term boyfriend. We've been going through a rough patch but I think it was a patch, because things have been much better recently. We've been together for four years, he lives in a different city, there has been a plan for us to live together but I have had money/hoarding issues which has made this hard. He has said he doesn't want to move in until he feels I'm able to organise myself and share my space with someone else, which I agree with - I don't want to move in with him because I want My Own Place or any other reason that means we'll be broken up within a month. But because I feel sort of stuck where I'm living (even though on paper it is the best option for me - cheap, non-annoying partying housemates (which would be the case if I moved into another shared flat), safe and lets me pay off my overdraft etc. - it gets frustrating, as does only seeing him at weekends. We are very close and we do talk about my illness etc. a lot. (I also discuss things with friends.)
I know living together is somethign he wants, but he has made clear that he doesn't want us to live together unless I get better at managing my money and possessions. It's been worse - I used to run out of wage within a week of being paid, and I used to also have to rent a storage locker; now I have savings and just my room. I can understand him having reservations. I think this is wise, and I should look at this period (he has six months at least on the lease where he lives now) as one where I can get myself ready and pay stuff off and get rid of stuff but it feels really...insurmountable. I feel like I'm going to spend the next year or so living with someone twice my age, paying off a debt that makes me twitchy to think about and not really feeling relaxed and happy where I am, even though on paper all of this seems the sensible thing to do and I'm living in a cheap, clean house with a nice landlord. I don't know where all these feelings have suddenly come from or why they won't listen when I try to be rational.
I've found myself looking back to five years ago - I lived with some friends, I used to blog, my life was more chaotic and I was really bad with money - with fondness, because there was something that's missing now and I'm not sure what it is. It seemed OK to house-share at 28 but not at 30 - and I'm not sure how much of this is 'growing older;' bullshit. None of my friends are looking to move right now; my friends are either living n their owned place, alone in expensive studios or already in a sharing arrangement. What worriesd me is that with BPD I have a tendency to panic and my thoughts to spiral and believe everything is The Worst Thing Ever. I feel like that at the moment - like all I do is go to work, come home from work, then repeat the next day. I am in therapy, I am taking medication, and I am doing things like exercising and calming hobbies, but the meds make me so tired and sluggish all the time, and it's very difficult to feel as bright and engaged as I used to be before I was properly diagnosed and given the medication. Although I was actually miserable a lot then, and made some very stupid choices, I feel like creatively I did a lot more, and I felt I was living inside myself rather than observing from a distance, feeling like I was a little man inside my head controlling my body at a remove.
In the past, I've taken these feelings as a sign that I should make Radical Changes - moving across the country, splitting up with someone, spending tons of cash. I don't know whether this is my brain telling me to do somethign similar, or whether those decisions were bourne out of being unable to see a long-term plan. Now I'm in a long-term employment situation and have a long-term boyfriend, I can't just up and go and live in Japan for a year (a friend of mine, when considering going to Bangladesh, said 'but everything would just be the same when I get back') or move to Amsterdam. For a start, I can't do it with outstanding debts rather than savings. But I feel like I'll be in this position - paying things off, no energy to do anythign creative, living in a 2m x 3m room - forever. Why am I feeling so miserable when I know long-term this isn't going to be the case? What's missing? Do I need something other than work?