Should I walk away?
April 18, 2012 10:05 AM Subscribe
My partner of three years confessed to me this morning that he misses his ex. While the logical part of my brain understands that everyone is entitled to their feelings, some of the other things I learned are bothering me and I'm unsure how to proceed.
My partner ran into his ex recently at a public event and he told me that he'd spent "several hours" there with him. My partner was with a friend, so even though I was bothered by the fact that they were together it was a large public event and there was precious little I could do about it. I appreciated him telling me that he'd run into him, but I was bothered by the fact that he'd spent so much time with him.
I was also reassured that it was a chance meeting and there was no reason for me to be worried. That immediately set off a red flag for me, but I love and trust my partner so I let it go. This morning, after being told that my partner was depressed and unable to sleep I asked him to tell me what was bothering him. He resisted for a long while but after much encouragement to spill the beans but eventually told me that he missed his ex. That when he "held him" it all came back to him. He also said that he misses them so badly and hopes that they think of him as much as he thinks of them.
I feel betrayed. I feel lost. I don't know how to proceed from this point. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I really don't know what to think. If you have any questions or advice my throwaway email is 'whosagoodsockpuppet@yahoo.com'. Thank you in advance.
My partner ran into his ex recently at a public event and he told me that he'd spent "several hours" there with him. My partner was with a friend, so even though I was bothered by the fact that they were together it was a large public event and there was precious little I could do about it. I appreciated him telling me that he'd run into him, but I was bothered by the fact that he'd spent so much time with him.
I was also reassured that it was a chance meeting and there was no reason for me to be worried. That immediately set off a red flag for me, but I love and trust my partner so I let it go. This morning, after being told that my partner was depressed and unable to sleep I asked him to tell me what was bothering him. He resisted for a long while but after much encouragement to spill the beans but eventually told me that he missed his ex. That when he "held him" it all came back to him. He also said that he misses them so badly and hopes that they think of him as much as he thinks of them.
I feel betrayed. I feel lost. I don't know how to proceed from this point. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I really don't know what to think. If you have any questions or advice my throwaway email is 'whosagoodsockpuppet@yahoo.com'. Thank you in advance.
Your partner is looking for permission from you.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:31 AM on April 18, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by KokuRyu at 10:31 AM on April 18, 2012 [8 favorites]
Seconding KokuRyu, your partner wants to know how OK this is with you. You need to be on the same page in a relationship with respect to boundaries.
posted by Brian Puccio at 10:34 AM on April 18, 2012
posted by Brian Puccio at 10:34 AM on April 18, 2012
He also said that he misses them so badly and hopes that they think of him as much as he thinks of them.
I'm not sure if by "them" you are just using a gender-neutral singular pronoun, or if he said that he misses this particular ex along with some of his other exes.
If it is the latter, I think that is a normal feeling. I think we all miss some of our past relationships to some degree or another. That doesn't mean that our current relationship is in jeopardy, but that there are fond memories associated with that person and -- maybe more importantly -- with who we were back in that stage of life -- younger, cooler, more free, etc. It could be a hard discussion to have, but perhaps by teasing out exactly what it is he misses about his exes, you can somehow incorporate those things into your relationship, to both of your benefit.
If it is the former -- he misses this specific ex to a special degree -- then that is troubling. I think you need to have an even harder discussion about what those feelings mean, and if they are so strong that they are damaging your relationship. He needs to be honest with himself and you about exactly what he wants to do about those feelings.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:42 AM on April 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
I'm not sure if by "them" you are just using a gender-neutral singular pronoun, or if he said that he misses this particular ex along with some of his other exes.
If it is the latter, I think that is a normal feeling. I think we all miss some of our past relationships to some degree or another. That doesn't mean that our current relationship is in jeopardy, but that there are fond memories associated with that person and -- maybe more importantly -- with who we were back in that stage of life -- younger, cooler, more free, etc. It could be a hard discussion to have, but perhaps by teasing out exactly what it is he misses about his exes, you can somehow incorporate those things into your relationship, to both of your benefit.
If it is the former -- he misses this specific ex to a special degree -- then that is troubling. I think you need to have an even harder discussion about what those feelings mean, and if they are so strong that they are damaging your relationship. He needs to be honest with himself and you about exactly what he wants to do about those feelings.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:42 AM on April 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
I feel guilty for feeling this way.
You shouldn't.
posted by EatTheWeek at 11:05 AM on April 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
You shouldn't.
posted by EatTheWeek at 11:05 AM on April 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
You shouldn't feel guilty. My gut (and past experience) is saying that more went on than he has revealed. Especially since it went from "a chance encounter" to "holding him". I think you need a no-bullshit answer about if they were intimate again and if this is something he is going to pursue. He owes you that. If he says there's no chance of them getting back together and you 100% believe that, then just put it out of your mind and let the reemergance of the old feelings die out.
But definitely get clarification on the situation and don't let him string you along.
posted by Eicats at 11:28 AM on April 18, 2012
But definitely get clarification on the situation and don't let him string you along.
posted by Eicats at 11:28 AM on April 18, 2012
What kind of permission is the partner looking for, KokuRyu? I'm confused by that statement. Permission to see the ex more? Permission to cheat? Permission to feel sad? I don't think the partner is asking for permission at all; I think they're sharing their feelings with the OP.
It sounds like, to me, that your partner is feeling bad but that they're still communicating with you. Like the young rope-rider said, you want to keep that line of communication open. At the same time, you don't want the communication to make you feel betrayed and lost.
It's OK to feel bad when your partner is low because they miss their ex. It can really make you question yourself and your role in their life. It's OK to feel guilty about those feelings. It's how you feel, and you shouldn't apologize to anyone - not your partner, not strangers on Metafilter, and not yourself - about it. It's what you do with your feelings that matters.
I suggest that you sit down and figure out why you feel the things you feel, before you talk to your partner. This is delicate and complicated so it's a good idea to take some time to think through it before you talk. What upsets you about this? What are you OK with, and what are you not OK with?
Then, sit down with your partner and talk it out. Tell them what your boundaries are. Let them take some time if they need to think about their feelings, both about their feelings about their ex and that situation, and their feelings about your boundaries. Ask your partner to think about why they're feeling the things they feel. His answers will help guide you in understanding whether or not your boundaries are being cared for.
You're on the same team, here, right now. This guy is your partner, your friend, your confidant. If you were in a tummy-twisting situation that made you unable to sleep, you'd talk about it with your partner or want to talk about it with him - it's awesome that he talked to you about what was bugging him. That is a huge, huge, green flag (is that a thing?) It's a great sign. Communication is key in all relationships, and your partner is communicating with you. :)
My advice is to support your partner in this but to support yourself first. ichomp has excellent advice: set boundaries with yourself and your partner and keep yourself busy right now. If your partner doesn't meet those boundaries, you can think about them again: either renegotiate them, or tell him that your needs aren't being met. But right now, it sounds like you're not even sure what those boundaries look like, and if you don't know, your partner doesn't know either.
And don't get down on yourself. This isn't about you. It's about your partner. It's not about you or any shortcomings you may or may not have. This is a great time to pick up a new hobby, by the way. Try not to focus too much on this situation, because it can eat up a lot of mental energy and time if you let it.
posted by k8lin at 11:36 AM on April 18, 2012 [9 favorites]
It sounds like, to me, that your partner is feeling bad but that they're still communicating with you. Like the young rope-rider said, you want to keep that line of communication open. At the same time, you don't want the communication to make you feel betrayed and lost.
It's OK to feel bad when your partner is low because they miss their ex. It can really make you question yourself and your role in their life. It's OK to feel guilty about those feelings. It's how you feel, and you shouldn't apologize to anyone - not your partner, not strangers on Metafilter, and not yourself - about it. It's what you do with your feelings that matters.
I suggest that you sit down and figure out why you feel the things you feel, before you talk to your partner. This is delicate and complicated so it's a good idea to take some time to think through it before you talk. What upsets you about this? What are you OK with, and what are you not OK with?
Then, sit down with your partner and talk it out. Tell them what your boundaries are. Let them take some time if they need to think about their feelings, both about their feelings about their ex and that situation, and their feelings about your boundaries. Ask your partner to think about why they're feeling the things they feel. His answers will help guide you in understanding whether or not your boundaries are being cared for.
You're on the same team, here, right now. This guy is your partner, your friend, your confidant. If you were in a tummy-twisting situation that made you unable to sleep, you'd talk about it with your partner or want to talk about it with him - it's awesome that he talked to you about what was bugging him. That is a huge, huge, green flag (is that a thing?) It's a great sign. Communication is key in all relationships, and your partner is communicating with you. :)
My advice is to support your partner in this but to support yourself first. ichomp has excellent advice: set boundaries with yourself and your partner and keep yourself busy right now. If your partner doesn't meet those boundaries, you can think about them again: either renegotiate them, or tell him that your needs aren't being met. But right now, it sounds like you're not even sure what those boundaries look like, and if you don't know, your partner doesn't know either.
And don't get down on yourself. This isn't about you. It's about your partner. It's not about you or any shortcomings you may or may not have. This is a great time to pick up a new hobby, by the way. Try not to focus too much on this situation, because it can eat up a lot of mental energy and time if you let it.
posted by k8lin at 11:36 AM on April 18, 2012 [9 favorites]
I know this is anonymous, but I'll ask in order to get you to think about it...was your partner dumped by his ex? It could be that there was no closure (in his mind) to the relationship, so it's been in stasis this whole time to him. Seeing the ex re-opened old wounds, and you may want to see if you and he can work through the issues he's having (whether this is the case or not) in order to properly say goodbye to that part of his life.
posted by xingcat at 11:43 AM on April 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 11:43 AM on April 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
Oof. Oh no. Don't feel guilty at all.
Unless he is a monster, your bf must know this news is upsetting. I agree with k8lin; him telling you this was a sad, uncomfortable but ultimately good sign. He was honest with his closest confidant.
Now to wonder...What did he expect would come from this confession? What has he said or done to mitigate the effects of him telling you this? Is he generally a bit melodramatic or is this completely out of character? This is a very melodramatic situation. Introspect about this for yourself. Then, tell him (and be honest) how this has made you feel.
posted by Katine at 11:46 AM on April 18, 2012
Unless he is a monster, your bf must know this news is upsetting. I agree with k8lin; him telling you this was a sad, uncomfortable but ultimately good sign. He was honest with his closest confidant.
Now to wonder...What did he expect would come from this confession? What has he said or done to mitigate the effects of him telling you this? Is he generally a bit melodramatic or is this completely out of character? This is a very melodramatic situation. Introspect about this for yourself. Then, tell him (and be honest) how this has made you feel.
posted by Katine at 11:46 AM on April 18, 2012
In order to give an answer of any worth, I'd need to know more.
What was their breakup like? Were they in contact at all afterwards? Was it a hard breakup for your partner?
I don't know. Some former loves just stick in the mind and heart and do not leave, long after we want them to, long after the rational part of us has moved on. Seeing them can bring things back.
What's also missing is what happened next - what allowances will your partner agree to make for your feelings? What allowances did you ask for? Will he be sure to stay out of contact with the ex? What could he do here that would make you happy?
Honestly, it's kind of a normal thing to miss someone, to feel a little wrenched by unexpected contact. And though I don't have the info to say for sure, it really does sound like the breakup with this person left a pretty big psychic wound on your partner. That can be very affecting, and can reach across time in unexpected ways.
But he told you he ran into his ex and he told you what was bothering him. He's hurting, and so are you. It sounds like you are able to support each other, so do that. Hug the dude and ask what he needs and tell him what you need. Go from there.
Absent more information, the answer to "Should I walk away?" is no.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:07 PM on April 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
What was their breakup like? Were they in contact at all afterwards? Was it a hard breakup for your partner?
I don't know. Some former loves just stick in the mind and heart and do not leave, long after we want them to, long after the rational part of us has moved on. Seeing them can bring things back.
What's also missing is what happened next - what allowances will your partner agree to make for your feelings? What allowances did you ask for? Will he be sure to stay out of contact with the ex? What could he do here that would make you happy?
Honestly, it's kind of a normal thing to miss someone, to feel a little wrenched by unexpected contact. And though I don't have the info to say for sure, it really does sound like the breakup with this person left a pretty big psychic wound on your partner. That can be very affecting, and can reach across time in unexpected ways.
But he told you he ran into his ex and he told you what was bothering him. He's hurting, and so are you. It sounds like you are able to support each other, so do that. Hug the dude and ask what he needs and tell him what you need. Go from there.
Absent more information, the answer to "Should I walk away?" is no.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:07 PM on April 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
I can't help but feel like there's a lot going on here we don't know about.
My partner of three years[...]
My partner ran into his ex recently at a public event and he told me that he'd spent "several hours" there with him. My partner was with a friend, so even though I was bothered by the fact that they were together it was a large public event and there was precious little I could do about it.
After three years together you're bothered that your partner spoke, in public, with an ex? And this phrasing about little you could do about it really borderline freaks me out. What can you ever do about it? What is there to do about the fact that people have a history?
It seems to be you're really saying something along the lines of the fact that you were bothered by this but felt like you had no right to be. Personally I'd say that after this much time together you should be past these concerns, but I'd also never say that it's wrong or right to have feelings - we're human, we have them. But when you phrase/frame things about someone's past that way I think it's a real red flag.
[...]asked him to tell me what was bothering him. He resisted for a long while but after much encouragement to spill the beans but eventually told me that he missed his ex. That when he "held him" it all came back to him. He also said that he misses them so badly and hopes that they think of him as much as he thinks of them.
Your partner tried to work his own feelings and you pushed for disclosure. Now you're bothered by the information you insisted on having.
Now, maybe this is nonsense and your partner was angling to get you to demand the information. Certainly after 3y he's aware of what you're like and knows he can't just beg off in certain ways and not bring this up. But even if you were manipulated into demanding the information you still bear some responsibility for that demand.
You've got a problem here but it's not about this person's particular ex. Get some relationship counseling. You need to learn to handle your personal reactions to your partner having a past and you collectively need to learn better communication skills.
posted by phearlez at 12:14 PM on April 18, 2012
My partner of three years[...]
My partner ran into his ex recently at a public event and he told me that he'd spent "several hours" there with him. My partner was with a friend, so even though I was bothered by the fact that they were together it was a large public event and there was precious little I could do about it.
After three years together you're bothered that your partner spoke, in public, with an ex? And this phrasing about little you could do about it really borderline freaks me out. What can you ever do about it? What is there to do about the fact that people have a history?
It seems to be you're really saying something along the lines of the fact that you were bothered by this but felt like you had no right to be. Personally I'd say that after this much time together you should be past these concerns, but I'd also never say that it's wrong or right to have feelings - we're human, we have them. But when you phrase/frame things about someone's past that way I think it's a real red flag.
[...]asked him to tell me what was bothering him. He resisted for a long while but after much encouragement to spill the beans but eventually told me that he missed his ex. That when he "held him" it all came back to him. He also said that he misses them so badly and hopes that they think of him as much as he thinks of them.
Your partner tried to work his own feelings and you pushed for disclosure. Now you're bothered by the information you insisted on having.
Now, maybe this is nonsense and your partner was angling to get you to demand the information. Certainly after 3y he's aware of what you're like and knows he can't just beg off in certain ways and not bring this up. But even if you were manipulated into demanding the information you still bear some responsibility for that demand.
You've got a problem here but it's not about this person's particular ex. Get some relationship counseling. You need to learn to handle your personal reactions to your partner having a past and you collectively need to learn better communication skills.
posted by phearlez at 12:14 PM on April 18, 2012
I once had a debilitating illness that I have more or less outgrown. Some symptoms of it still manifest themselves from time to time. And you know what happens when they do creep out once in awhile? I miss it. The old familiar feelings. Like a long lost friend.
I am talking about a painful illness that I would not wish upon anyone. But yes there are times when I miss it. Because it's familiar. Because it's been with me for so long. Because I'm human.
Could you expect less from your partner that he misses his ex who presumably shared a great deal of joy together? There would be a huge red flag if he doesn't. Either he's heartless or he's lying.
Judge not a person from what he feels but rather on how he acts on those feelings.
posted by 7life at 12:24 PM on April 18, 2012 [7 favorites]
I am talking about a painful illness that I would not wish upon anyone. But yes there are times when I miss it. Because it's familiar. Because it's been with me for so long. Because I'm human.
Could you expect less from your partner that he misses his ex who presumably shared a great deal of joy together? There would be a huge red flag if he doesn't. Either he's heartless or he's lying.
Judge not a person from what he feels but rather on how he acts on those feelings.
posted by 7life at 12:24 PM on April 18, 2012 [7 favorites]
I also feel like there's information missing here. You're wondering if you should walk because your partner has admitted to missing an ex? This reaction seems like overkill based on the information you've given.
I can understand being bothered that he spent so much time with his ex, but you also seem bothered that they simply ran into each other; you say that there was "precious little" you could do about it. You seem overly possessive and/or insecure.
I was also reassured that it was a chance meeting and there was no reason for me to be worried. That immediately set off a red flag for me,
It's unfortunate that his reassurance set off a red flag for you, when it seems like it should have done the opposite. Are you worried he was physically or too emotionally intimate with his ex and hasn't told you? Again, you seem pretty insecure.
And as others have pointed out, you haven't given any indication of what, if anything, you and your partner decided about how to move forward. Has he indicated that he wants to see this person again, or is he just feeling a little fragile from running into the ex?
I think you need to explore why you're feeling the way you are (and nope, you don't need to feel guilty), and talk to your partner about the way *he's* feeling about the whole thing. More communication is needed.
posted by Specklet at 12:30 PM on April 18, 2012
I can understand being bothered that he spent so much time with his ex, but you also seem bothered that they simply ran into each other; you say that there was "precious little" you could do about it. You seem overly possessive and/or insecure.
I was also reassured that it was a chance meeting and there was no reason for me to be worried. That immediately set off a red flag for me,
It's unfortunate that his reassurance set off a red flag for you, when it seems like it should have done the opposite. Are you worried he was physically or too emotionally intimate with his ex and hasn't told you? Again, you seem pretty insecure.
And as others have pointed out, you haven't given any indication of what, if anything, you and your partner decided about how to move forward. Has he indicated that he wants to see this person again, or is he just feeling a little fragile from running into the ex?
I think you need to explore why you're feeling the way you are (and nope, you don't need to feel guilty), and talk to your partner about the way *he's* feeling about the whole thing. More communication is needed.
posted by Specklet at 12:30 PM on April 18, 2012
Let him know that you understand how he feels; that it's fairly normal to move on from a relationship that has ended, run into the person years later -- when the bad stuff has receded and only the good memories remain -- and feel some of those pangs, based on the same surface stuff (like physical appearance, and those good memories) that make you miss the other person. Totally, totally normal.
But also let them know that, as much as you understand his feelings, you fully expect him to be an adult in your relationship, and to let those feelings be something he feels and loses over time -- not something he explores with more contact with that person. And that if there are things he misses about that relationship, things he wants or needs that he isn't getting from your relationship, then he should talk about those things with you so that you can work them out together.
posted by davejay at 12:45 PM on April 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
But also let them know that, as much as you understand his feelings, you fully expect him to be an adult in your relationship, and to let those feelings be something he feels and loses over time -- not something he explores with more contact with that person. And that if there are things he misses about that relationship, things he wants or needs that he isn't getting from your relationship, then he should talk about those things with you so that you can work them out together.
posted by davejay at 12:45 PM on April 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
Hi! I'm your ex. Not really, and I'm a girl, but I really know what this is like and thought it might help to hear my perspective.
I'm in a wonderful relationship, am engaged and happy. I love my current partner way more than anyone else, including all of my exes. Including my most recent intense ex.
We don't talk, my most recent ex and I. But recently, we did-and we had a five hour long phone conversation. It was so good! I was so happy to talk to him, and laugh with him, and share my thoughts with him. I didn't want to be in a relationship with him but I did miss him as a human being.
Afterwards, his current partner put the kibosh on us talking, and it really hurt me. I missed my ex a lot-as a human who I liked talking to, not a romantic partner.
I talked to my partner about this, because I love him, and because he's the one I go to when I'm wibbly and hurt. It didn't mean I was looking for something from him. I was just wibbly and sad and wanted to be held and supported.
---
So in the not-me side, this doesn't necessarily mean what you think it means. Holding him could be, like a hug. When I see my exes, they get hugs. And sometimes those hugs have also been sad, because they are waypoints to the relationship you don't have anymore.
It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Don't go away-I'm sure he'd be heartbroken.
Just love him.
posted by corb at 1:43 PM on April 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
I'm in a wonderful relationship, am engaged and happy. I love my current partner way more than anyone else, including all of my exes. Including my most recent intense ex.
We don't talk, my most recent ex and I. But recently, we did-and we had a five hour long phone conversation. It was so good! I was so happy to talk to him, and laugh with him, and share my thoughts with him. I didn't want to be in a relationship with him but I did miss him as a human being.
Afterwards, his current partner put the kibosh on us talking, and it really hurt me. I missed my ex a lot-as a human who I liked talking to, not a romantic partner.
I talked to my partner about this, because I love him, and because he's the one I go to when I'm wibbly and hurt. It didn't mean I was looking for something from him. I was just wibbly and sad and wanted to be held and supported.
---
So in the not-me side, this doesn't necessarily mean what you think it means. Holding him could be, like a hug. When I see my exes, they get hugs. And sometimes those hugs have also been sad, because they are waypoints to the relationship you don't have anymore.
It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Don't go away-I'm sure he'd be heartbroken.
Just love him.
posted by corb at 1:43 PM on April 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
I have been in this situation more than once (I think we all have at some point). What I have noticed is that when people drift into "relationship remorse", they tent to just kind of linger there. Turning the pain in their heart over and over in their head until it either goes away or becomes an obsession. What I have found helps tremendously is respectfully push them to decide how they want to handle the issue and help them achieve it.
Me: "What do you want to do about this?"
BF: "I don't know. I just don't know!"
Me: "Ok, what do you see as being you options currently?"
In other words, I push for him to make a decision (a goal). Hopefully, it's "I want to get over him/this" (if not, that's a whole other Mefi thread waiting to happen).
Me: "I understand. What can I do to help you get over him?"
Treat it as an issue that you can work through as a couple, not A Thing That He Needs To Get Over Now! Be on the same team and you may becomes even closer as you resolve this.
posted by Shouraku at 2:16 PM on April 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
Me: "What do you want to do about this?"
BF: "I don't know. I just don't know!"
Me: "Ok, what do you see as being you options currently?"
In other words, I push for him to make a decision (a goal). Hopefully, it's "I want to get over him/this" (if not, that's a whole other Mefi thread waiting to happen).
Me: "I understand. What can I do to help you get over him?"
Treat it as an issue that you can work through as a couple, not A Thing That He Needs To Get Over Now! Be on the same team and you may becomes even closer as you resolve this.
posted by Shouraku at 2:16 PM on April 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm with @corb. Does having something in the present mean one should not miss things from the past, whether friends, coworkers, ex's, etc? It's nostalgia at work -- as time goes by, people have a tendancy to idealise the past, focus on the great times, and it's natural to then miss them. I would actually be more concerned if he didn't miss some aspects of the past or past relationships.
How can anyone who has previously loved and lost not miss that to some degree?
It reminds me of that phrase "cheating is not a thought, it's an action". There's no problem with thoughts or feelings, it's actions that count. Now if you worried that this indicates 'something greater' or may lead to actions, that may be a pre-existing problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed.
And as far as permission, could it be he is looking for permission to have feelings for an ex present in the current relationship? Permission to be authentic about what's going on inside, and not have that be a problem, and issue, or something that needs to be fixed?
Some considerations for ex's is healthy in relationships. The past doesn't disappear when you meet someone new. I have feelings -- strong feelings -- for some of my ex's. How could I not? I deeply loved them, we had wonderful and beautiful experiences together, and they have helped shape who I am today. As @cord said, that doesn't mean I want to be with them, it means I have strong feelings for them.
posted by nickrussell at 3:52 PM on April 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
How can anyone who has previously loved and lost not miss that to some degree?
It reminds me of that phrase "cheating is not a thought, it's an action". There's no problem with thoughts or feelings, it's actions that count. Now if you worried that this indicates 'something greater' or may lead to actions, that may be a pre-existing problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed.
And as far as permission, could it be he is looking for permission to have feelings for an ex present in the current relationship? Permission to be authentic about what's going on inside, and not have that be a problem, and issue, or something that needs to be fixed?
Some considerations for ex's is healthy in relationships. The past doesn't disappear when you meet someone new. I have feelings -- strong feelings -- for some of my ex's. How could I not? I deeply loved them, we had wonderful and beautiful experiences together, and they have helped shape who I am today. As @cord said, that doesn't mean I want to be with them, it means I have strong feelings for them.
posted by nickrussell at 3:52 PM on April 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
I agree with famous monster, corb, and nickrussell's comments. nickrussell's last paragraph in particular is a good point for pondering.
posted by pymsical at 4:09 PM on April 18, 2012
posted by pymsical at 4:09 PM on April 18, 2012
Yes, +1 again, just like pymsical said. This is really not about you.
As for what to do, it might help to view it like a sickness. Not headache but heartache.
posted by salvia at 9:13 PM on April 18, 2012
As for what to do, it might help to view it like a sickness. Not headache but heartache.
posted by salvia at 9:13 PM on April 18, 2012
Consider that your partner may not be missing his ex as a person but the specific dynamic they had, the moments they shared and the fact that that world no longer exists. He may be missing who he was during that relationship, who he used to be in that context, and this is not at all a judgement of you or a reflection of any short comings on your part. He's a different person now, he's a different person with you, and sometimes that's a little sad; change can be sad.
If you can think of it in these terms, it's like when you're vegan and you see something you no longer eat but really enjoyed - like cheesecake! - and you're like "woah I miss cheesecake, it was so good!" but that doesn't mean you're suddenly going to stop being vegan and go eat that cheesecake. You might pine over it for a little bit but you'll get over it and move on and continue being happy with your new life.
This isn't a crisis moment, even though it seems like it. If it really bothers you/continues to bother you, have a conversation about it (I like Shouraku's model, personally).
posted by buteo at 1:15 AM on April 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you can think of it in these terms, it's like when you're vegan and you see something you no longer eat but really enjoyed - like cheesecake! - and you're like "woah I miss cheesecake, it was so good!" but that doesn't mean you're suddenly going to stop being vegan and go eat that cheesecake. You might pine over it for a little bit but you'll get over it and move on and continue being happy with your new life.
This isn't a crisis moment, even though it seems like it. If it really bothers you/continues to bother you, have a conversation about it (I like Shouraku's model, personally).
posted by buteo at 1:15 AM on April 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
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What you can do is tell him that you don't want him to contact the ex. Even though he's having these feelings, you want him to make a clean break. That is reasonable to ask of your bf.
You have a tightrope to walk because you want them to keep sharing these things with you, but at the same time it's obviously upsetting and scary for you. Seconded-- keep yourself busy during this time as well, b/c this is a feeling that can tear you up. Keep doing things, be occupied, and hang out with friends.
posted by ichomp at 10:30 AM on April 18, 2012 [1 favorite]