Why can't I control my stupid feelings? Love one guy, distracted by another, engaged to be married. Advice/personal experience?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (33 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Six years ago, when my boyfriend and I had been dating for five years and were sharing a house with friends, I did a dumb thing. I fell for a roommate, broke up with my boyfriend (he moved out) had a careless and tempestuous relationship with the roommate until he broke up with me to go back to his old girlfriend, and then in the aftermath allowed the ex-boyfriend to convince me to go to counseling and eventually to get back together again. I wasn't feeling the butterflies the second time around and it was awkward, but we eventually got back to a solid relationship where we were confident we loved each other.
Fast-forward to the present, and we are supposed to get married in two months. For the past little while (months? a year?) I've been strongly attracted to one of our friends. However, I know how this story goes. I understand that it isn't necessarily this one guy, he might just be representing my urge to get with someone new. I've read the theory that I could be attracted to qualities of his that I want to have myself. I've read a lot of advice here for other people in similar situations. But I am a special snowflake [sarcasm] and my circumstances are just slightly different enough that I'm hoping for my own advice.
I am trying to do the right thing. I told my fiancé about my infatuation. We went to counseling again, I decided to stick with the fiancé, because I believe he is worth sticking with, and yes, I love him, and shift the other guy into the friend column instead of the love interest column, and this worked for a while. (Incidently, we also ruled out the possibility of polyamory.)
But I've started to feel queasy or like crying when I think about the wedding, or wedding planning. Relatives are pressing in on all sides asking for progress, and there's a certain amount of stress that comes with that anyway.
And since we're all friends, we still see the guy. I'm not pursuing anything, there has been no acknowledgement, but nonetheless I feel like my interest might be returned, which is not useful under the circumstances. Most of the time I can still convince myself that it will pass, despite the what ifs floating around in my head, and that the fiancé and I will be able to have a good relationship without that distraction in the future.
But here's the thing: I don't think I'm being fair to my fiancé. Going into a wedding thinking about someone else just feels wrong. My brain is trying to justify going through with the wedding, and canceling the wedding, and I can't pin down a decision either way. I know I'll have to soon, though, probably this weekend. I've started to hope that he feels as uncertain as I do, because then it would be easier to come to a decision. (I know he feels a little uncertain, but he's a person who agonizes over decisions. If I felt for sure that we should get married I think that would be enough for him.)
- Having whittled down my job options to something that is not lucrative but that I enjoy, I am currently financially dependent on my fiancé. I could probably get a "real" job within a few months.
- Our relationship is pretty solid, we understand how the other person operates, we don't fight much and are good at communicating, but. It's so easy to start to shift it into "maybe we should just be friends," especially since I'm the motivator for almost everything. He'd be content to come home every evening and eat dinner, watch Netflix, stare at computer screens in bed, go to sleep--or if he wouldn't be content, he probably still wouldn't act differently. I plan vacations, date nights, weekend activities ... and I feel vaguely guilty when I try to get him to plan things because I know it takes him a lot more mental energy than it takes me. He spends a lot of his time in work-brain, and it's an effort for him to shift away from that. I understand this! We both have our strengths and weaknesses. I just wish it was different, that he could challenge or motivate me sometimes.
- I would be pretty freaking sad to lose him.