over and over
March 25, 2012 6:09 AM Subscribe
Cure for ennui?
I am kind of embarrassed to be asking this. Lately, for the past year or so, I have had and unbearable sense of ennui. Life seems to have gotten amazingly repetitive. The thought of taking a bath or brushing my teeth annoys me. (I do still bathe and brush.) But it seems like something I keep doing over and over.
My job is driving me crazy. It is the same thing over and over. I am 54 and married. I am a tenured college professor, so it is not like I am doing a mindless task. But I seem to be doing the same thing, arguing the same arguments with administration like I have been doing for the past 30 years. I have no time at work to do anything interesting. I seem to be attending the same meetings, answering the same questions, producing the same reports every month and year. I am too young to retire.
My home life is not much better. I just keep doing the same things over and over, housework mostly. At least I no longer cook, my husband took this over.
I take Zoloft for depression. I have hobbies and I participate in them, but even they seem meaningless.
Any suggestions on what I can do? I really need to bring some joy into my life.
I am kind of embarrassed to be asking this. Lately, for the past year or so, I have had and unbearable sense of ennui. Life seems to have gotten amazingly repetitive. The thought of taking a bath or brushing my teeth annoys me. (I do still bathe and brush.) But it seems like something I keep doing over and over.
My job is driving me crazy. It is the same thing over and over. I am 54 and married. I am a tenured college professor, so it is not like I am doing a mindless task. But I seem to be doing the same thing, arguing the same arguments with administration like I have been doing for the past 30 years. I have no time at work to do anything interesting. I seem to be attending the same meetings, answering the same questions, producing the same reports every month and year. I am too young to retire.
My home life is not much better. I just keep doing the same things over and over, housework mostly. At least I no longer cook, my husband took this over.
I take Zoloft for depression. I have hobbies and I participate in them, but even they seem meaningless.
Any suggestions on what I can do? I really need to bring some joy into my life.
I'd look into some readings on mindfulness, and maybe consider taking up meditation or yoga. Ennui is a symptom of a life in some way out of balance. Also, do you do any volunteer work? How do you give back to your community? If you turn your focus outward, into helping others, often you forget to have the obsessive self focus necessary for existential angst.
"Before Enlightenment chop wood carry water, after Enlightenment, chop wood carry water."
posted by leotrotsky at 6:39 AM on March 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
"Before Enlightenment chop wood carry water, after Enlightenment, chop wood carry water."
posted by leotrotsky at 6:39 AM on March 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
When is the last time you did something really big and possibly a bit foolish? Not fool-hardy (I'm not saying, like, plan a bank heist or something), but something like, "walking a 5k walkathon while wearing an evening gown" or "writing a novel in a month".
Those are all things that you can do a little at a time, may be a bit different from what you've been doing, and if they're also silly enough that you can laugh, then...there's that too as a bonus. In fact, you don't necessarily have to succeed - if you fail in some especially ridiculous way, that also gives you a chance to laugh at the whole thing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:49 AM on March 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Those are all things that you can do a little at a time, may be a bit different from what you've been doing, and if they're also silly enough that you can laugh, then...there's that too as a bonus. In fact, you don't necessarily have to succeed - if you fail in some especially ridiculous way, that also gives you a chance to laugh at the whole thing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:49 AM on March 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
It makes sense that job duties or housework could become incredibly boring - but you say you no longer enjoy your hobbies, either.
It's possible that Zoloft is no longer addressing your depression. I think it's worthwhile to have a conversation with your doc about this.
posted by bunderful at 7:13 AM on March 25, 2012 [8 favorites]
It's possible that Zoloft is no longer addressing your depression. I think it's worthwhile to have a conversation with your doc about this.
posted by bunderful at 7:13 AM on March 25, 2012 [8 favorites]
What a great question. A lot more people should be asking it. Congratulations on getting to that point.
I love the answers here thus far:
Spontaneity, mindfulness, volunteer work, and an ambitious undertaking like a 5k or a novel.
What I'll muse are on two points. I don't have many answers but perhaps it will help raise the next set of questions.
The first is called depressive realism, and it's that people who experience depression as being present tend to have a more realistic view of life. That is, that we have little control over what happens to us, there are few extrensic meanings to life, and on the whole, it can very well be a grind. Does this sit as being valid for you?
If so, the antidote to depressive realism is accepting that life is meaningless. We as individuals are often meaningless, and therefore, we create our own meaning. It's the same for people with and without depression present, the difference is that people without depression seem to trust their instincts a bit more. These optomists find meaning in their present situation and we can learn a lot from them.
The examples above are about finding meaning, literally creating it for yourself. The key to doing that is to accept that meaning is going to be wholly personal to you. If you look at your successes, you've achieved a solid career position, and created a nice life for yourself. You have achieved that goal, and there may be little additional meaning to find in it at the moment.
Can you use that stability to explore new forms of meaning? Volunteering is a great one, for it's something one does wholly for the meaning itself, without an emphasis on practical benefits. Pets are great because having a pet is essentially expressing constant care for another being, taking care of a small furry life.
Meaning doesn't have to be massive -- like world peace or the like. It can be simple. Reading to children. Walking a dog. Reviewing the college applications of underprivileged children. The point is that you are choosing to do these things, therefore you are choosing a meaning that is important to you.
The second point is on Eric Erikson's theory of psychosocial development. At stage six, it's generativity versus stagnation, that is, generating something positive for someone else, be that society, an individual, etc. Generativity is having an "other-focused" aspect to life. Stagnation is having a "self-focused" aspect to life. One of the recommendations for generativity is to educate and culture yound people. You do that in your job, so you are by default generative -- in some sense, you have already achieved that state. However perhaps as it is a job, it feels more of a compulsion than "caring", "caring" being the integrated value of generativity.
Too much generativity (overgenerativity) can lead to a feeling of over-extension; one is so busy generating for others that they are not generating enough for themselves. Is that possibly at play? If generativity is inherent in your career, perhaps the solution is not more social generativity, but more personal generativity. What would you like to do for yourself? Imagine that you contribute more than enough to the world at large. Are you taking enough time to 'smell the roses' so to speak?
Often in our cultures, we are 'outcome' oriented. We justify everything we do by what is produced, by what someone else can look at and validate. You already have that aspect. Perhaps what you seek is a bit of frivolity? A hobby where you don't care what the outcome is. You choose to do it because it's something that interests you.
Finally on the point of Zoloft, one thing about anti-depressants (IANAP) is that they even us out. Part of the way they do this is by mitigating the highs and lows of experience into a more consistent experience. That is desirable in many cases, for most of us will gladly trade losing a few highs for avoiding the lows that then come. However, what anti-depressants can do is mask situations in which we really do not feel rewarded. By evening out the lows, there's a bit less feedback when we're doing something that we don't completely feel.
Thus, I would give a conscious reflection to your life. What are the specific things you are doing that can go? What can you stop doing that will give you a bit more time to find frivolity? Are all the meetings necessary? (maybe yes, maybe no). Can you make any changes at work that will allow you to focus more on what you value and less on what you don't? Chances are, the signals will be small. Easily discountable. But they're important.
posted by nickrussell at 7:17 AM on March 25, 2012 [52 favorites]
I love the answers here thus far:
Spontaneity, mindfulness, volunteer work, and an ambitious undertaking like a 5k or a novel.
What I'll muse are on two points. I don't have many answers but perhaps it will help raise the next set of questions.
The first is called depressive realism, and it's that people who experience depression as being present tend to have a more realistic view of life. That is, that we have little control over what happens to us, there are few extrensic meanings to life, and on the whole, it can very well be a grind. Does this sit as being valid for you?
If so, the antidote to depressive realism is accepting that life is meaningless. We as individuals are often meaningless, and therefore, we create our own meaning. It's the same for people with and without depression present, the difference is that people without depression seem to trust their instincts a bit more. These optomists find meaning in their present situation and we can learn a lot from them.
The examples above are about finding meaning, literally creating it for yourself. The key to doing that is to accept that meaning is going to be wholly personal to you. If you look at your successes, you've achieved a solid career position, and created a nice life for yourself. You have achieved that goal, and there may be little additional meaning to find in it at the moment.
Can you use that stability to explore new forms of meaning? Volunteering is a great one, for it's something one does wholly for the meaning itself, without an emphasis on practical benefits. Pets are great because having a pet is essentially expressing constant care for another being, taking care of a small furry life.
Meaning doesn't have to be massive -- like world peace or the like. It can be simple. Reading to children. Walking a dog. Reviewing the college applications of underprivileged children. The point is that you are choosing to do these things, therefore you are choosing a meaning that is important to you.
The second point is on Eric Erikson's theory of psychosocial development. At stage six, it's generativity versus stagnation, that is, generating something positive for someone else, be that society, an individual, etc. Generativity is having an "other-focused" aspect to life. Stagnation is having a "self-focused" aspect to life. One of the recommendations for generativity is to educate and culture yound people. You do that in your job, so you are by default generative -- in some sense, you have already achieved that state. However perhaps as it is a job, it feels more of a compulsion than "caring", "caring" being the integrated value of generativity.
Too much generativity (overgenerativity) can lead to a feeling of over-extension; one is so busy generating for others that they are not generating enough for themselves. Is that possibly at play? If generativity is inherent in your career, perhaps the solution is not more social generativity, but more personal generativity. What would you like to do for yourself? Imagine that you contribute more than enough to the world at large. Are you taking enough time to 'smell the roses' so to speak?
Often in our cultures, we are 'outcome' oriented. We justify everything we do by what is produced, by what someone else can look at and validate. You already have that aspect. Perhaps what you seek is a bit of frivolity? A hobby where you don't care what the outcome is. You choose to do it because it's something that interests you.
Finally on the point of Zoloft, one thing about anti-depressants (IANAP) is that they even us out. Part of the way they do this is by mitigating the highs and lows of experience into a more consistent experience. That is desirable in many cases, for most of us will gladly trade losing a few highs for avoiding the lows that then come. However, what anti-depressants can do is mask situations in which we really do not feel rewarded. By evening out the lows, there's a bit less feedback when we're doing something that we don't completely feel.
Thus, I would give a conscious reflection to your life. What are the specific things you are doing that can go? What can you stop doing that will give you a bit more time to find frivolity? Are all the meetings necessary? (maybe yes, maybe no). Can you make any changes at work that will allow you to focus more on what you value and less on what you don't? Chances are, the signals will be small. Easily discountable. But they're important.
posted by nickrussell at 7:17 AM on March 25, 2012 [52 favorites]
I'm going to recommend two things, the first strongly, the second as a more tentative suggestion:
1) A new hobby. Hobbies get old and repetitive, but a new hobby is new and can be very exciting. I would put one of your old hobbies on hold and find a new one that will add some excitement, and some learning of new skills, into your life.
2) Consider some therapy to talk about this. Not because I think you've got the symptoms of any mental illness, but because a good therapist will help you identify and develop the meaning in your life.
posted by OmieWise at 8:07 AM on March 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
1) A new hobby. Hobbies get old and repetitive, but a new hobby is new and can be very exciting. I would put one of your old hobbies on hold and find a new one that will add some excitement, and some learning of new skills, into your life.
2) Consider some therapy to talk about this. Not because I think you've got the symptoms of any mental illness, but because a good therapist will help you identify and develop the meaning in your life.
posted by OmieWise at 8:07 AM on March 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Wow, nickrussell really covered everything! But I came here to (originally) say that definitely I can see where you are coming from. At a certain point, life does seem very repetitive. I've always thought that might be one of the perks of having children- that you see life through new and excited eyes- "Wow! It is a doggy!". However, I don't have children and maybe you don't either so a dog might be (I don't want to say the next best thing since dogs are totally wonderful in their own ways) a great addition to your family. That enthusiasm of 'oh you're home!! Wow, a tree for me to sniff!" etc.
The other thing is needing to involve a source of spontaneity or randomness in your life. This is the point at which the leads in Anne Tyler books run into a strange person at a bookstore who then changes the course of your life. (Or is that just what I'm waiting for??)
So what can you do to encourage randomness? I always thought it was a cliche but volunteering is actually awesome IF you pick something you want to do anyway. You will meet people from all different walks of life. It expands your horizons, and opens your mind a bit.
Next, you are at a certain point in your life where you are comfortable. What did you used to want to do? Did you want to go to Africa? Paint watercolors? Learn the trombone? Why not think back a bit...what did you used to like to do, or think that you wanted to do someday? Now's the time. (Either for vacation or something you can fit into your regular life. I'm not suggesting quitting day job and becoming a missionary in Tahiti. Unless of course...).
Anyway, I'm struggling with all this now too. (except the already having a comfortable life part). I'm calling it a period of recalibration. It happens, and hopefully what comes out of it will be an even better and more fulfilling life. I hope!
posted by bquarters at 8:41 AM on March 25, 2012
The other thing is needing to involve a source of spontaneity or randomness in your life. This is the point at which the leads in Anne Tyler books run into a strange person at a bookstore who then changes the course of your life. (Or is that just what I'm waiting for??)
So what can you do to encourage randomness? I always thought it was a cliche but volunteering is actually awesome IF you pick something you want to do anyway. You will meet people from all different walks of life. It expands your horizons, and opens your mind a bit.
Next, you are at a certain point in your life where you are comfortable. What did you used to want to do? Did you want to go to Africa? Paint watercolors? Learn the trombone? Why not think back a bit...what did you used to like to do, or think that you wanted to do someday? Now's the time. (Either for vacation or something you can fit into your regular life. I'm not suggesting quitting day job and becoming a missionary in Tahiti. Unless of course...).
Anyway, I'm struggling with all this now too. (except the already having a comfortable life part). I'm calling it a period of recalibration. It happens, and hopefully what comes out of it will be an even better and more fulfilling life. I hope!
posted by bquarters at 8:41 AM on March 25, 2012
If you're a tenured professor, it's likely that your university offers an option for sabbaticals. If your family life permits, I'd take it and do a project somewhere abroad.
posted by universal_qlc at 9:57 AM on March 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by universal_qlc at 9:57 AM on March 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Robert Sapolsky’s “Open Season,” published in The New Yorker and reprinted in his collection of essays, "Monkeyluv," may speak to you. He talks about how the aging mind closes to new experiences, and how academics can often be rejuvenated by switching disciplines. This may not be a feasible answer for you, but perhaps the essay (written as it is by an academic with, by his own account, depression) will help you gain a different perspective on your situation. Good luck, anon.
posted by MonkeyToes at 10:28 AM on March 25, 2012
posted by MonkeyToes at 10:28 AM on March 25, 2012
I was going to suggest taking a sabbatical as well, if it is an option.
Another thought - why not throw yourself forward into the feeling by exploring some of its (in)famous history? You could look at its long career in modern poetry, Rilke, Appolinaire, Baudelaire, Rimbaud, Yeats, T. S. Eliot, Oscar Wilde, at how it developed into such a potent trope, what its destructive potential is and how it can become a mighty creative/productive force (even outside of literary creation), and how it was transcended. This book is an excellent, very sensitive introduction, which somehow brings out the life-affirming qualities of various works and the potentially reinvigorating effect wading through ennui to its very bottom can have on the writer's lives.
If this is counter-intuitive, and a sabbatical is not possible, why not take a longer holiday over summer? Maybe to an unlikely place, meeting unlikely people?
posted by miorita at 10:32 AM on March 25, 2012
Another thought - why not throw yourself forward into the feeling by exploring some of its (in)famous history? You could look at its long career in modern poetry, Rilke, Appolinaire, Baudelaire, Rimbaud, Yeats, T. S. Eliot, Oscar Wilde, at how it developed into such a potent trope, what its destructive potential is and how it can become a mighty creative/productive force (even outside of literary creation), and how it was transcended. This book is an excellent, very sensitive introduction, which somehow brings out the life-affirming qualities of various works and the potentially reinvigorating effect wading through ennui to its very bottom can have on the writer's lives.
If this is counter-intuitive, and a sabbatical is not possible, why not take a longer holiday over summer? Maybe to an unlikely place, meeting unlikely people?
posted by miorita at 10:32 AM on March 25, 2012
You feel like you are doing the same thing over and over for years, because you ARE doing the same thing over and over for years.
Mix it up. Throw out all your old furniture and get new stuff. Change how you brush your teeth. Figure out how to never do as much housework again. Let go of those administration arguments. Why in the world would you bother having an argument for 30 years? Find ways to permanently get out of some meetings. (or play hooky and do something fun) Plan a vacation. Drop your hobbies. Volunteer for perspective. Bleach your hair platinum blond. Add something a bit bold into your teaching that you are passionate about. Push your students limits to different and new breakthroughs. Get medication. Seriously. Quit your job. Apply elsewhere. Get political and work on this year's election.
It's all a choice. You live. You die. Everything in between is up to you. If you find yourself not being able to make these choices of interest for yourself (and there are sooo many), then look into your health. Depression, anxiety, overwhelm, physical fatigue, all these will contribute to your brain losing interest in life. If that is where you feel you are at, definitely take care of your health needs first. Then the world will open up to you.
For reference, my SO and I are 47/48 years old, rented out the house, and now live full time in a fabulous rv and have never, ever been happier. We look at people 'stuck' in houses and see it as a self imposed jail cell, so YMMV.
posted by Vaike at 11:03 AM on March 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Mix it up. Throw out all your old furniture and get new stuff. Change how you brush your teeth. Figure out how to never do as much housework again. Let go of those administration arguments. Why in the world would you bother having an argument for 30 years? Find ways to permanently get out of some meetings. (or play hooky and do something fun) Plan a vacation. Drop your hobbies. Volunteer for perspective. Bleach your hair platinum blond. Add something a bit bold into your teaching that you are passionate about. Push your students limits to different and new breakthroughs. Get medication. Seriously. Quit your job. Apply elsewhere. Get political and work on this year's election.
It's all a choice. You live. You die. Everything in between is up to you. If you find yourself not being able to make these choices of interest for yourself (and there are sooo many), then look into your health. Depression, anxiety, overwhelm, physical fatigue, all these will contribute to your brain losing interest in life. If that is where you feel you are at, definitely take care of your health needs first. Then the world will open up to you.
For reference, my SO and I are 47/48 years old, rented out the house, and now live full time in a fabulous rv and have never, ever been happier. We look at people 'stuck' in houses and see it as a self imposed jail cell, so YMMV.
posted by Vaike at 11:03 AM on March 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
The only thing that keeps me sane, it seems, is having things to look forward to. A friend's visit in 2 months, a vacation in the summer, vague but definite life changes in the indefinite (but not too far off) future. Get something planned, even if it's just buying tickets for a show or making reservations for a fancy restaurant 2 months down the line. Do something different for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Work towards something. Save up for something big. Just put something ahead of you that you can look forward to.
In the meantime, switch up the details of your boring routine. Try a new toothbrush or shampoo. Wash with good-smelling things. Pick up a self-fulfilling hobby like teas or coffee. I get a lot of variation in my life from cooking different cuinsines, though I assume from your comment about cooking that you didn't enjoy that much.
If all else fails, have a mid-life crisis and buy a motorcycle, right?
posted by WasabiFlux at 1:10 PM on March 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
In the meantime, switch up the details of your boring routine. Try a new toothbrush or shampoo. Wash with good-smelling things. Pick up a self-fulfilling hobby like teas or coffee. I get a lot of variation in my life from cooking different cuinsines, though I assume from your comment about cooking that you didn't enjoy that much.
If all else fails, have a mid-life crisis and buy a motorcycle, right?
posted by WasabiFlux at 1:10 PM on March 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Sunlight.
posted by duvatney at 1:43 PM on March 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by duvatney at 1:43 PM on March 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Break up your routines. Still having the same breakfast every morning? Tomorrow have a different one, or just a different jam or a new kind of coffee. Taking the same path to work every day? Go a different route, go the long way, go an unfamiliar way. Same interactions? Say something different, chime in with things you've wanted to say, talk to a new person, ask a different question. Make every junction a deliberate choice and things will begin to be exciting in small ways.
posted by everyday_naturalist at 3:08 PM on March 25, 2012
posted by everyday_naturalist at 3:08 PM on March 25, 2012
Nickrussel's answer is excellent. Iwill quote you one of my favourite pieces of writing, ever, on ennui, from cary tennis
"....your self-description brought to mind Robert
Musil's great modern novel "The Man Without
Qualities," which, by coincidence, on Sunday was
sitting on the counter of the local fine used
bookseller -- under a first edition of "The Lovely
Bones." Having a weakness for possibly meaningful
coincidence, I took it home -- the unabridged Knopf
two-volume set, translated by Sophie Wilkins.
Ulrich, the man without qualities, is not a dull man;
he is a mathematician, and he is accomplished. But he
feels the equivalency of one action with another, and
can muster no overriding sense of belonging or
meaning. He suffers acute European modernist despair;
he is caught in that intellectual labyrinth of magical
futility that excludes, as by a magician's practiced
misdirection, the easy cure of simply accepting
radical chaos. (If Joseph K had only stopped and said,
"Hey, shit happens!" If only. Like, in your dreams.)
In revolt against modernist despair, I take as a motto
those words of the great American modernist poet
Wallace Stevens: "The final belief is to believe in a
fiction, which you know to be a fiction, there being
nothing else. The exquisite truth is to know that it
is a fiction and that you believe in it willingly."
That is, divide like Jehovah the light from the dark
and say this, this here, this is the unfathomable shit
and I am going to let it be because I have no clue
what it could possibly mean. It might mean hoo-ha or
hee-hee. And, for the rest, I am going to stick to the
stuff I can understand, which isn't much, but it's
enough.
Because I am busy enough constructing fictions that
allow me to function. I am busy enough constructing
the fiction of my next footfall. I am busy enough,
moment by moment, constructing the world, without
which constant work the air hisses out of our dream
and we asphyxiate like fish. And who would choose
that? So we work hard at our comforting fictions; we
pretend as hard as we can that we are actually alive.
Having murdered all our gods, we work hard on our home
brew of mercy."
posted by lalochezia at 9:14 PM on March 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
"....your self-description brought to mind Robert
Musil's great modern novel "The Man Without
Qualities," which, by coincidence, on Sunday was
sitting on the counter of the local fine used
bookseller -- under a first edition of "The Lovely
Bones." Having a weakness for possibly meaningful
coincidence, I took it home -- the unabridged Knopf
two-volume set, translated by Sophie Wilkins.
Ulrich, the man without qualities, is not a dull man;
he is a mathematician, and he is accomplished. But he
feels the equivalency of one action with another, and
can muster no overriding sense of belonging or
meaning. He suffers acute European modernist despair;
he is caught in that intellectual labyrinth of magical
futility that excludes, as by a magician's practiced
misdirection, the easy cure of simply accepting
radical chaos. (If Joseph K had only stopped and said,
"Hey, shit happens!" If only. Like, in your dreams.)
In revolt against modernist despair, I take as a motto
those words of the great American modernist poet
Wallace Stevens: "The final belief is to believe in a
fiction, which you know to be a fiction, there being
nothing else. The exquisite truth is to know that it
is a fiction and that you believe in it willingly."
That is, divide like Jehovah the light from the dark
and say this, this here, this is the unfathomable shit
and I am going to let it be because I have no clue
what it could possibly mean. It might mean hoo-ha or
hee-hee. And, for the rest, I am going to stick to the
stuff I can understand, which isn't much, but it's
enough.
Because I am busy enough constructing fictions that
allow me to function. I am busy enough constructing
the fiction of my next footfall. I am busy enough,
moment by moment, constructing the world, without
which constant work the air hisses out of our dream
and we asphyxiate like fish. And who would choose
that? So we work hard at our comforting fictions; we
pretend as hard as we can that we are actually alive.
Having murdered all our gods, we work hard on our home
brew of mercy."
posted by lalochezia at 9:14 PM on March 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think Mary Oliver could help you out.
The Summer Day, by Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
posted by Cygnet at 5:38 AM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
The Summer Day, by Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
posted by Cygnet at 5:38 AM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
A few months ago I had a mini-life-crisis. I took art classes, journaled, etc etc. I thought about giving up everything, quitting my job and moving to some crazy place. I spent shit-tons of money seeing a psychiatrist.
Eventually it turned out that my thyroid meds needed to be tweaked.
Based on that experience, I recommend seeing your doc first. I'm now very glad I didn't quit my job and throw away all my belongings and move to Alaska. It would have been a complete disaster and would not have solved my problems.
posted by bunderful at 6:03 AM on March 26, 2012
Eventually it turned out that my thyroid meds needed to be tweaked.
Based on that experience, I recommend seeing your doc first. I'm now very glad I didn't quit my job and throw away all my belongings and move to Alaska. It would have been a complete disaster and would not have solved my problems.
posted by bunderful at 6:03 AM on March 26, 2012
Honestly, it sounds like textbook depression to me. You mention you're on Zoloft, but that does not seem to be enough. I'd suggest adding therapy if you aren't going already and also talk to your doctor about possibly upping the dosage.
I used to take Zoloft and have gone to therapy weekly for years now. I have gotten a lot better.
posted by callmejay at 9:35 AM on March 26, 2012
I used to take Zoloft and have gone to therapy weekly for years now. I have gotten a lot better.
posted by callmejay at 9:35 AM on March 26, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
But really, kittens or puppies.
posted by desjardins at 6:32 AM on March 25, 2012 [4 favorites]