How do I accept that I destroyed my relationship, learn to forgive myself and eventually move on to something new? Lots of snowflake details inside.
posted by farce majeure to human relations (23 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
I'd been living in Japan for the last several years, and started a relationship with a really sweet girl about 2 years ago. We moved in together only about 4 months after meeting, (big mistake, I know), and while there were bumps in the road, things were generally really, really good. She was dedicated, very affectionate, extremely beautiful, very easy to get along with, and the type of girl that made people tell me all the time that a girl like this is once in a million, so don't mess this up.
Well I messed up. I had an okay job in Tokyo but was 29 years old, (have now turned 30),feeling extremely insecure about not having made more of myself, questioning if I was as smart or as capable as I'd thought, (which also made me depressed and made it difficult for me to open up and show her how much I cared about her), and that led me to move back to the States to start a 2 year grad program, in international relations, focusing on Japan and trade in East Asia, with every intention of coming back to Japan to be with her during the summer for an internship, and then for good when I finished the program. I started in September. We tried to do the long distance relationship thing, with me visiting when I could, and she was supposed to be coming out here to visit me later this month. However, I have a hard time at showing my affection even when I'm right next to someone sometimes, and did a really terrible job of making her feel loved and appreciated once we started the LDR. She recently broke up with me and has now told me that she's in a new relationship with a guy that she is totally crazy about.
Even though we only officially broke up a little over a month ago, based on what she's told me since in a stream of emails and phone calls where I've tried to convince her to come back to me, I know that she's gone and never coming back. Honestly, I can't blame her either. I left to come over here and did a really terrible job at trying to make the long distance thing work. Even before that, I was bad at expressing my affection and she had feelings of insecurity even before I left.
The thing is, as bad as I was at showing her how I felt, I loved her, and even though I don't blame her for leaving, miss her like crazy. I know that I lost her because of what I did, I know that I lost a pretty good life because I was insecure and came here to do grad school. What makes things a little more difficult is the fact that, in order to get beyond this all of the advice I've read says to cut as many ties as possible to give myself some space to recover. However, even before I'd met her, I'd dedicated my life to studying Japan, learning the language, and I have to go back to Tokyo next week to interview for internships. If I cut all of that off, then I would be giving up on the direction I've chosen for my life, so I don't feel like I can do that, but I think it's going to be extremely painful to go back to Tokyo and not be able to see her.
As a man who never expected to be single at 30, who fully expected to be with this woman for a long time, and whose really worried about how I'm going find happiness again, how do I accept that because of my actions, I lost someone really important to me? How do I move on from there? I've been a depressed, almost non functioning mess for the last few weeks, although I'm doing a bit better at the moment. I'll be starting therapy for the first time when I get back from Tokyo in a couple of weeks, but what else can I do? Any help would be much appreciated.