Life With a Dog You Hate
March 17, 2012 8:44 AM Subscribe
I'm the bloke from this earlier question, "Life with a Dog". I need coping strategies for living with a dog that I can't stand.
So, we have this dog. I hate him passionately. Every day when I come home from work, my jaw is clenched waiting to hear or discover what he shit or pissed on today. He's already ruined the carpets in my son's room which will cost hundreds of dollars to replace. He shits in the house despite being well-exercised and well-walked. He's healthy; he's just an ill-mannered little cur who can't be housebroken. He's in a belly band full-time now; now I have to deal with a -diapered- dog.
We tried crate training and it was unbearable. Constant barking and whining and scratching and howling that does not stop.
I am not looking for help with training this dog. The dog is not trainable. Unfortunately, my wife will not allow me to get rid of him.
What I need are coping strategies. Did you have a dog inflicted on you by someone? How did you deal? How did you re-train your brain to stop actively hating the animal?
So, we have this dog. I hate him passionately. Every day when I come home from work, my jaw is clenched waiting to hear or discover what he shit or pissed on today. He's already ruined the carpets in my son's room which will cost hundreds of dollars to replace. He shits in the house despite being well-exercised and well-walked. He's healthy; he's just an ill-mannered little cur who can't be housebroken. He's in a belly band full-time now; now I have to deal with a -diapered- dog.
We tried crate training and it was unbearable. Constant barking and whining and scratching and howling that does not stop.
I am not looking for help with training this dog. The dog is not trainable. Unfortunately, my wife will not allow me to get rid of him.
What I need are coping strategies. Did you have a dog inflicted on you by someone? How did you deal? How did you re-train your brain to stop actively hating the animal?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's request -- restless_nomad
Why does your wife want to keep the dog?
Did you try to train the dog yourself?
I don't think any of the strategies usually given to "cope" with a pet are appropriate for a family pet that the rest of the family wants to keep and that you have so much animosity towards. Even ignoring the dog won't help. Is there anything about the dog that you do like
posted by sm1tten at 9:05 AM on March 17, 2012
Did you try to train the dog yourself?
I don't think any of the strategies usually given to "cope" with a pet are appropriate for a family pet that the rest of the family wants to keep and that you have so much animosity towards. Even ignoring the dog won't help. Is there anything about the dog that you do like
posted by sm1tten at 9:05 AM on March 17, 2012
This situation sounds pretty untenable--your kids are going to pick up on the fact that dad hates dog at some point. Having a parent teem with resentment over a pet for years is going to be a lot rockier for them than, say, having a parent set down clear guidelines that have to be followed for dog to be a happy household member or else sit down with the kids and explain why this isn't a fair situation for the dog and he'll be happier in a situation where his needs can be really met.
And it isn't fair--not to you, but the dog. Dogs don't want to shit on themselves or all over the household (you're projecting when you call him "ill mannered." Dogs are like kids--they don't come with manners, and it's unreasonable to expect him to). I think it's probably time to call int he big guns and dedicate some money to hiring a professional to help you train him.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:16 AM on March 17, 2012 [18 favorites]
And it isn't fair--not to you, but the dog. Dogs don't want to shit on themselves or all over the household (you're projecting when you call him "ill mannered." Dogs are like kids--they don't come with manners, and it's unreasonable to expect him to). I think it's probably time to call int he big guns and dedicate some money to hiring a professional to help you train him.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:16 AM on March 17, 2012 [18 favorites]
This situation sounds pretty untenable--your kids are going to pick up on the fact that dad hates dog at some point.
This. My father hated our dog as I was growing up and it still makes me sad and angry. We would have been better off without a dog in our family.
posted by Wordwoman at 9:21 AM on March 17, 2012 [4 favorites]
This. My father hated our dog as I was growing up and it still makes me sad and angry. We would have been better off without a dog in our family.
posted by Wordwoman at 9:21 AM on March 17, 2012 [4 favorites]
The constraints you've placed on the question make it pretty hard to answer. I know firsthand how frustrating it is to own a dog with behaviors you didn't want and don't know how to train, but because you're having a very difficult time does not make the dog untrainable.
Some possible coping strategies for having a completely untrained dog with preventable/trainable behaviors:
- A multi-week obedience training class, so you can form a bond with the dog and gain insight into canine behavior in general.
- A private behaviorist consultation (not just a trainer, but a certified animal behaviorist). If you saw how easily a knowledgeable person could shape your dog on tiny behaviors in one casual, in-person visit, you might be amazed. And it's not magic! It just takes practice.
- Emailing a local dog training club with a plea for help and ideas.
Some possible coping strategies for "re-training your brain"/interpersonal problems it sounds like the situation is causing:
- Therapy, alone or as a couple/family.
- Either you or the dog doesn't live with the rest of the family.
Think of it like woodworking: You're not going to make a beautiful or even a usable pedestal table by shouting at or ignoring that block of cherry wood. You have to get out the tools. Learn to use them. Make sure they're in good working order. Be in the workshop many hours every week. Sketch, measure, cut, saw, hone, compare, plane, and sand, sand, sand.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 9:29 AM on March 17, 2012 [6 favorites]
Some possible coping strategies for having a completely untrained dog with preventable/trainable behaviors:
- A multi-week obedience training class, so you can form a bond with the dog and gain insight into canine behavior in general.
- A private behaviorist consultation (not just a trainer, but a certified animal behaviorist). If you saw how easily a knowledgeable person could shape your dog on tiny behaviors in one casual, in-person visit, you might be amazed. And it's not magic! It just takes practice.
- Emailing a local dog training club with a plea for help and ideas.
Some possible coping strategies for "re-training your brain"/interpersonal problems it sounds like the situation is causing:
- Therapy, alone or as a couple/family.
- Either you or the dog doesn't live with the rest of the family.
Think of it like woodworking: You're not going to make a beautiful or even a usable pedestal table by shouting at or ignoring that block of cherry wood. You have to get out the tools. Learn to use them. Make sure they're in good working order. Be in the workshop many hours every week. Sketch, measure, cut, saw, hone, compare, plane, and sand, sand, sand.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 9:29 AM on March 17, 2012 [6 favorites]
Some of this seems more about you & your wife than you & the dog. You are supposed to be a unit - she doesn't get to say "we're keeping this dog, you don't get a say" any more than you get to take the dog to the pound tomorrow.
I think you & she need to talk about how the current situation is unlivable and what specific steps you are going to try to make it better, or else you will return the dog to the rescue by x date because he is not right for your family. You do need to do the best you can for this animal, but if your family is not able or willing to train this dog after a good-faith effort, he's better off back with the rescue than getting resented by your family for years. (And even if the kids like him now, they will get slowly resentful or angry as they become teenagers and he poops on their favorite shirt, or their homework, etc.)
posted by nakedmolerats at 9:31 AM on March 17, 2012 [12 favorites]
I think you & she need to talk about how the current situation is unlivable and what specific steps you are going to try to make it better, or else you will return the dog to the rescue by x date because he is not right for your family. You do need to do the best you can for this animal, but if your family is not able or willing to train this dog after a good-faith effort, he's better off back with the rescue than getting resented by your family for years. (And even if the kids like him now, they will get slowly resentful or angry as they become teenagers and he poops on their favorite shirt, or their homework, etc.)
posted by nakedmolerats at 9:31 AM on March 17, 2012 [12 favorites]
I do have a coping strategy for you. I don't know if you'll be interested in it, but if this is a sincere question, and you really want to try changing your feelings toward the dog, I think it could really help you see what's fun about having a dog and will only take a couple of minutes a day. Think about what the dog does well naturally (from your earlier question, jumping comes to mind) and teach it to do a trick based on that. How about first teaching it to jump up to your outstretched hand, higher and higher? Then eventually fading the hand, and having the dog jump straight up in the air on command? That's pretty cute, and easy to teach if the dog likes jumping in the first place. I do tons of trick training, my dogs know nearly a hundred different tricks from stacking rings on a kid's stacking toy to doing a handstand, so if you would like to try this, you're welcome to MeMail me and I will talk you through it.
The great thing about trick training is it doesn't matter--it's just a trick!--so it's very low stress. And it's pretty great when you learn to communicate with the dog, and learn how it learns (which will help you with the other training), and gives you a reason to feel proud of the dog, when it learns to do something cute that you can show to others.
posted by HotToddy at 9:34 AM on March 17, 2012 [5 favorites]
The great thing about trick training is it doesn't matter--it's just a trick!--so it's very low stress. And it's pretty great when you learn to communicate with the dog, and learn how it learns (which will help you with the other training), and gives you a reason to feel proud of the dog, when it learns to do something cute that you can show to others.
posted by HotToddy at 9:34 AM on March 17, 2012 [5 favorites]
Why are you so focused on the dog?
I mean, to be brutally honest here, the question is why your wife is willing to let you suffer so much just so that the dog can stay there. From your last post she seemed uninterested in the training, yet she is emotionally invested in the dog's livelihood, which is a huge disconnect. And even if the entire family was giving 110% in training the dog, this post suggests a point of diminishing returns that she ignores, apparently willfully. She (and to a lesser extent your daughter) has to be willing to put in every effort possible to help with dealing with these problems. If the dog is truly untrainable, even with full cooperation of the family--and I mean you have done everything that you could--then you are in a rare situation that the dog just doesn't belong in the home. But at this point, it seems like she'd rather have a destructive force in her life than a happy household, and that she just doesn't care that you're stressed out to the point of physical pain, or at least not enough to make a full-faith effort to do something about it. And judging by all the stress-related behaviors the dog is engaging in, I don't imagine it's a particularly happy critter.
I feel like there's two professionals that need to be hired here: one to attempt train the dog, and one to sit down with you and your wife and figure out why exactly she values the (questionable) happiness of the dog over the emotional, physical, and financial health of the rest of the family. I think that something else is going on with her that she either needs to share with you or let go of. In the meantime, if the trainer can work their magic that will reduce a huge amount of stress for you; if not, then I'd say you've done your due diligence no matter what the rescue says and it's time to find him another home.
posted by zombieflanders at 9:35 AM on March 17, 2012 [20 favorites]
I mean, to be brutally honest here, the question is why your wife is willing to let you suffer so much just so that the dog can stay there. From your last post she seemed uninterested in the training, yet she is emotionally invested in the dog's livelihood, which is a huge disconnect. And even if the entire family was giving 110% in training the dog, this post suggests a point of diminishing returns that she ignores, apparently willfully. She (and to a lesser extent your daughter) has to be willing to put in every effort possible to help with dealing with these problems. If the dog is truly untrainable, even with full cooperation of the family--and I mean you have done everything that you could--then you are in a rare situation that the dog just doesn't belong in the home. But at this point, it seems like she'd rather have a destructive force in her life than a happy household, and that she just doesn't care that you're stressed out to the point of physical pain, or at least not enough to make a full-faith effort to do something about it. And judging by all the stress-related behaviors the dog is engaging in, I don't imagine it's a particularly happy critter.
I feel like there's two professionals that need to be hired here: one to attempt train the dog, and one to sit down with you and your wife and figure out why exactly she values the (questionable) happiness of the dog over the emotional, physical, and financial health of the rest of the family. I think that something else is going on with her that she either needs to share with you or let go of. In the meantime, if the trainer can work their magic that will reduce a huge amount of stress for you; if not, then I'd say you've done your due diligence no matter what the rescue says and it's time to find him another home.
posted by zombieflanders at 9:35 AM on March 17, 2012 [20 favorites]
So I'm posting here for two reasons - one, because I have a suggestion for a coping strategy, and two, I really sympathize because I'm not that fond of dogs and wouldn't want to live with one. I have had to in temporary situations in the past, but because they were temporary I knew when I was going to reach the light at the end of the tunnel and be dog-free again, so that eased the unpleasantness.
Here's my coping suggestion for you though. It's helped me cope with a chronic illness that I have.
The dog is not trainable.
This attitude has to go. I don't doubt that you guys have put a lot of work into into attempting to train this dog; I wouldn't be surprised if you were to come in and say you've tried "everything." But I'd be willing to bet that you haven't actually tried everything.
Every time you start to think about how much you don't like the dog, how you dread dealing with the problems it causes and how much misery its presence is causing you, you need to redirect your thoughts towards fixing the problems. Do more research online. Check out older books on dog behavior in the library. Look for newer books about dog behavior on Amazon. Seek out more advice from dog people (post on dog forums on the internet, call the rescue and ask them for advice if you haven't already, get second, third, fourth, fifth opinions from different vets and obedience trainers, etc). Don't give up on fixing the behavioral issues until you've achieved a bearable living arrangement for all members of the household. You will undoubtedly have to try a lot of things that simply won't work until you find something that does.
If you're going to put all of your mental energy into just accepting that the dog can't be trained and wallowing in the misery that this produces, then of course nothing is going to change. But if you instead put that same mental energy towards finding new, possible solutions, then there's at least a chance that things will get better.
I want to agree with what other people have said too, about trying to find something you like about the dog. Either through some kind of interaction with it (playing with/petting it) or just finding something interesting about the animal (maybe research the history of the Bichon Frise breed). And yes, this definitely is an issue you and your wife should be working through together - some sort of compromise needs to be reached.
posted by Squee at 10:08 AM on March 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
Here's my coping suggestion for you though. It's helped me cope with a chronic illness that I have.
The dog is not trainable.
This attitude has to go. I don't doubt that you guys have put a lot of work into into attempting to train this dog; I wouldn't be surprised if you were to come in and say you've tried "everything." But I'd be willing to bet that you haven't actually tried everything.
Every time you start to think about how much you don't like the dog, how you dread dealing with the problems it causes and how much misery its presence is causing you, you need to redirect your thoughts towards fixing the problems. Do more research online. Check out older books on dog behavior in the library. Look for newer books about dog behavior on Amazon. Seek out more advice from dog people (post on dog forums on the internet, call the rescue and ask them for advice if you haven't already, get second, third, fourth, fifth opinions from different vets and obedience trainers, etc). Don't give up on fixing the behavioral issues until you've achieved a bearable living arrangement for all members of the household. You will undoubtedly have to try a lot of things that simply won't work until you find something that does.
If you're going to put all of your mental energy into just accepting that the dog can't be trained and wallowing in the misery that this produces, then of course nothing is going to change. But if you instead put that same mental energy towards finding new, possible solutions, then there's at least a chance that things will get better.
I want to agree with what other people have said too, about trying to find something you like about the dog. Either through some kind of interaction with it (playing with/petting it) or just finding something interesting about the animal (maybe research the history of the Bichon Frise breed). And yes, this definitely is an issue you and your wife should be working through together - some sort of compromise needs to be reached.
posted by Squee at 10:08 AM on March 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
We had a crazy dog we lived with for seven years who mostly hated everyone in the family, tolerating me with some affection. She bit and growled and wouldn't walk on grass and when very stressed (often) pooped around, etc.
I made an absolute rule that no-one could take out being angry at her, even if she was a horrible dog to them. They could ignore her, but not be cruel to her.
I personally tried to cuddle or pet her whenever she was in a good mood to build up reserves of affection for her, but accepted that the rest of the household were entitled to ignore her and dislike her. I did make them all rotate feeding her and giving her treats to get her to at least tolerate them. We did a training course, where the only upside was that we met her brother (same rescue litter) and discovered he was far far worse in comparison.
Our nickname for her was "Pelt" and we would talk about how nice her fur would look stitched up into an ottoman, which was a way to relieve the tension when she had been nasty.
If you can give her away, do. We couldn't place her with another family because of her biting, and the shelter said they'd just put her in boarding for the rest of her miserable life. She was fairly happy for a crazy dog, but she made us miserable often.
Otherwise, really try to find training and look for good qualities. She had a wonderful thick fur coat and when she was sleepy, could be cuddled and was occasionally affectionate. That helped when she ate things or bit people.
And absolutely make it clear that no-one, including you, can ever ever discipline her in anger or take it out on her - it's not the dog's fault she's annoying, and it could spiral into abuse too easily.
posted by viggorlijah at 10:12 AM on March 17, 2012 [3 favorites]
I made an absolute rule that no-one could take out being angry at her, even if she was a horrible dog to them. They could ignore her, but not be cruel to her.
I personally tried to cuddle or pet her whenever she was in a good mood to build up reserves of affection for her, but accepted that the rest of the household were entitled to ignore her and dislike her. I did make them all rotate feeding her and giving her treats to get her to at least tolerate them. We did a training course, where the only upside was that we met her brother (same rescue litter) and discovered he was far far worse in comparison.
Our nickname for her was "Pelt" and we would talk about how nice her fur would look stitched up into an ottoman, which was a way to relieve the tension when she had been nasty.
If you can give her away, do. We couldn't place her with another family because of her biting, and the shelter said they'd just put her in boarding for the rest of her miserable life. She was fairly happy for a crazy dog, but she made us miserable often.
Otherwise, really try to find training and look for good qualities. She had a wonderful thick fur coat and when she was sleepy, could be cuddled and was occasionally affectionate. That helped when she ate things or bit people.
And absolutely make it clear that no-one, including you, can ever ever discipline her in anger or take it out on her - it's not the dog's fault she's annoying, and it could spiral into abuse too easily.
posted by viggorlijah at 10:12 AM on March 17, 2012 [3 favorites]
DWRoelands: "I am not looking for help with training this dog. The dog is not trainable. Unfortunately, my wife will not allow me to get rid of him."
Your wife is the problem, not the dog.
Here's the deal:
If your wife wants to have a dog, and you don't, it's her responsibility to take all steps necessary to make sure the dog does not piss, shit or destroy things in the house. You never asked for this dog- the dog is an imposition on you.
You need to sit down with your wife and tell her that the dog is not working out for you, and that if the shitting and pissing doesn't stop, the dog has got to go. You should not have to share a home with an animal that ruins your quality of life.
If your wife is unwilling to get the dog to behave and unwilling to get rid of it, the problem is your wife. The fact that she's willing to make YOU suffer, instead of giving the dog to somebody with a big area it can run around in, for example, is really telling.
posted by dunkadunc at 12:59 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
Your wife is the problem, not the dog.
Here's the deal:
If your wife wants to have a dog, and you don't, it's her responsibility to take all steps necessary to make sure the dog does not piss, shit or destroy things in the house. You never asked for this dog- the dog is an imposition on you.
You need to sit down with your wife and tell her that the dog is not working out for you, and that if the shitting and pissing doesn't stop, the dog has got to go. You should not have to share a home with an animal that ruins your quality of life.
If your wife is unwilling to get the dog to behave and unwilling to get rid of it, the problem is your wife. The fact that she's willing to make YOU suffer, instead of giving the dog to somebody with a big area it can run around in, for example, is really telling.
posted by dunkadunc at 12:59 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
Yeah, you need to set some boundaries here. "Wife, by Friday you meet with a trainer or on Saturday I'm calling the shelter."
posted by desjardins at 1:21 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by desjardins at 1:21 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
Teaching the dog a trick will be a great idea. You will bond more with the dog, and, at the same time, the dog will be learning that it is supposed to learn from you. It will help in getting his behavior under control.
Also, in terms of dealing with it, ask your wife to not tell you about the issues with the dog. You need to relax when you come home from work, not be the recipient of disaster news, especially since you didn't want the disaster in the first place. That will help your stress level.
I agree that this is a wife issue. She took in an untrained dog. A ginormous amount of time and work goes into getting the dog to learn the rules. If she isn't working with the dog at least a few hours a day (for now), she is not holding up her end of the commitment, to you, or to the dog.
Does anyone in your family have dog experience? If not, then there is even more work to be done. This is not the dog's fault. It just hasn't been communicated with correctly and repeatedly. Your wife and the dog should be in training. At least a few times a week until some rules are successfully established. You can train a dog forever and a day, but if you are doing it incorrectly, it's just plain old not going to work. Even if you all do have dog experience, it might not be enough for this particular dog. You really need to know what you are doing, not just read a couple of books or watch Cesar Milan.
Lastly, and this is the red flag that indicates you/your wife don't really know how to correctly train a dog, is it doesn't sound like you did the crate training correctly. The door doesn't get closed until they are already comfortable eating, getting treats, etc. in it. And even then, it only gets closed for a few seconds, with the time slowly being lengthened, right? (If I am presuming incorrectly here, I apologize)
But, it all CAN be done. And you will have a happy and relaxed household because of it.
posted by Vaike at 1:42 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
Also, in terms of dealing with it, ask your wife to not tell you about the issues with the dog. You need to relax when you come home from work, not be the recipient of disaster news, especially since you didn't want the disaster in the first place. That will help your stress level.
I agree that this is a wife issue. She took in an untrained dog. A ginormous amount of time and work goes into getting the dog to learn the rules. If she isn't working with the dog at least a few hours a day (for now), she is not holding up her end of the commitment, to you, or to the dog.
Does anyone in your family have dog experience? If not, then there is even more work to be done. This is not the dog's fault. It just hasn't been communicated with correctly and repeatedly. Your wife and the dog should be in training. At least a few times a week until some rules are successfully established. You can train a dog forever and a day, but if you are doing it incorrectly, it's just plain old not going to work. Even if you all do have dog experience, it might not be enough for this particular dog. You really need to know what you are doing, not just read a couple of books or watch Cesar Milan.
Lastly, and this is the red flag that indicates you/your wife don't really know how to correctly train a dog, is it doesn't sound like you did the crate training correctly. The door doesn't get closed until they are already comfortable eating, getting treats, etc. in it. And even then, it only gets closed for a few seconds, with the time slowly being lengthened, right? (If I am presuming incorrectly here, I apologize)
But, it all CAN be done. And you will have a happy and relaxed household because of it.
posted by Vaike at 1:42 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
This sounds like an intensely frustrating situation and I don't blame you for being angry. I can recall how teeth-grittingly infuriating some of my dog's behavior problems were - and I am someone who loves dogs. If I wasn't the one who wanted the dog, I would have been even more frustrated and miserable.
I'd like to suggest that you not think of the dog as "an ill-mannered little cur who can't be housebroken" or categorically say "The dog is not trainable." He's a dog that is not trained *yet*. He's not doing it on purpose. One of the things that helped me was that giving the dog up was not an option (for me because I love dogs; for you because your family and kids love this dog, right, and you want to teach your kids about responsibility and commitment to this extremely aggravating family member?). So, think "Damn it, this dog is going to get trained!!!!"
What does your dog trainer say? I would consider hiring a professional trainer to come to your house and work one-on-one with your dog *and* with your family on how to manage the dog. This really, really helped for our poorly-behaved dog, adopted with no training from a shelter as an adult dog. You guys will still still have to put in your own work with the dog but it is so helpful to have a *plan*, to hear that it is not hopeless. I think one of the worst things was thinking this might just go on indefinitely! Yes, a private trainer is not cheap, but it will pay for itself in un-ruined belongings and everyone's sanity.
I know it is extremely stressful living with this stuff day in and day out, the continued surprises of destruction and defecation and noise. But, unless your dog is actually mentally defective somehow, he *can* be trained. Our dog who made ear-splitting whines when in the crate for 30 seconds today loves her crate and goes in there by choice, and we have actually received compliments from guests on our polite dog. I'm saying this because I did have moments where I worried our dog was just un-trainable. But she wasn't. And the effort and time and money (a lot of all three) was completely worth it for the end result of a dog that is a pleasure to have around the house. Sorry this is so long, your question just resonated with me. Hang in there.
posted by asynchronous at 1:51 PM on March 17, 2012
I'd like to suggest that you not think of the dog as "an ill-mannered little cur who can't be housebroken" or categorically say "The dog is not trainable." He's a dog that is not trained *yet*. He's not doing it on purpose. One of the things that helped me was that giving the dog up was not an option (for me because I love dogs; for you because your family and kids love this dog, right, and you want to teach your kids about responsibility and commitment to this extremely aggravating family member?). So, think "Damn it, this dog is going to get trained!!!!"
What does your dog trainer say? I would consider hiring a professional trainer to come to your house and work one-on-one with your dog *and* with your family on how to manage the dog. This really, really helped for our poorly-behaved dog, adopted with no training from a shelter as an adult dog. You guys will still still have to put in your own work with the dog but it is so helpful to have a *plan*, to hear that it is not hopeless. I think one of the worst things was thinking this might just go on indefinitely! Yes, a private trainer is not cheap, but it will pay for itself in un-ruined belongings and everyone's sanity.
I know it is extremely stressful living with this stuff day in and day out, the continued surprises of destruction and defecation and noise. But, unless your dog is actually mentally defective somehow, he *can* be trained. Our dog who made ear-splitting whines when in the crate for 30 seconds today loves her crate and goes in there by choice, and we have actually received compliments from guests on our polite dog. I'm saying this because I did have moments where I worried our dog was just un-trainable. But she wasn't. And the effort and time and money (a lot of all three) was completely worth it for the end result of a dog that is a pleasure to have around the house. Sorry this is so long, your question just resonated with me. Hang in there.
posted by asynchronous at 1:51 PM on March 17, 2012
O.k. one more thing. People seem to forget that a dog is a different SPECIES. Their actions make sense to them and their reasoning is completely different than ours. In his world, why would he NOT pee on the soft thing that won't make his pee splash back on him (couch), why would he not hunt and eat a snack his very large and functional nose found, why would he not run onto the hard long surface outside (the road)? That's crazy to him. It's not even a concept his brain can process. If you look at it this way, maybe it will help your frustration. We expect them to be human with human logic and weird ideas: the concept of furniture? try to explain that to an otter and see how far that gets you. Human manners? From a species who's main form of communication is butt sniffing? They are not even close to human, as much as we anthropomorphize them.
Make sure you don't expect him to be human and your frustration level will go down.
posted by Vaike at 1:54 PM on March 17, 2012
Make sure you don't expect him to be human and your frustration level will go down.
posted by Vaike at 1:54 PM on March 17, 2012
Been there with you. My ex-wife decided she wanted a dog. I made it clear I wasn't for that, if for no other reason than our life situation was not one where we'd be able to properly take care of a dog. She proceeded to bring one home one day without discussing it with me. Didn't train it, made excuses...yadda yadda. Yappy, peeing, shitting, biting piece of crap. Hate that dog.
Reality was, the dog was just the physical manifestation of a marriage that wasn't working. We're divorced now, the dog is still a piece of crap, and my life is immeasurably more pleasant. You should seriously consider the viability of a relationship where your partner has this level of contempt for you.
P.S. - It's a dog. It's not a human being. You are not a bad person for finding it another, more appropriate, situation not in your life.
posted by kjs3 at 2:42 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
Reality was, the dog was just the physical manifestation of a marriage that wasn't working. We're divorced now, the dog is still a piece of crap, and my life is immeasurably more pleasant. You should seriously consider the viability of a relationship where your partner has this level of contempt for you.
P.S. - It's a dog. It's not a human being. You are not a bad person for finding it another, more appropriate, situation not in your life.
posted by kjs3 at 2:42 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
He's healthy; he's just an ill-mannered little cur who can't be housebroken. He's in a belly band full-time now; now I have to deal with a -diapered- dog.
I'm willing to bet just about anything that you HAVE NOT tried everything. Crate training, done properly, does not result in whining, barking, and scratching to get out; if at any point in the process that starts to happen, you don't proceed.
Anyway, coping strategies? The dog's misery is almost certainly compounded by the neglect and contempt it is feeling from you.
I suggest playing with it more, trying to bond with it, so that maybe you can find some compassion within yourself to make training this dog a project that benefits both you and the dog.
posted by jayder at 3:03 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm willing to bet just about anything that you HAVE NOT tried everything. Crate training, done properly, does not result in whining, barking, and scratching to get out; if at any point in the process that starts to happen, you don't proceed.
Anyway, coping strategies? The dog's misery is almost certainly compounded by the neglect and contempt it is feeling from you.
I suggest playing with it more, trying to bond with it, so that maybe you can find some compassion within yourself to make training this dog a project that benefits both you and the dog.
posted by jayder at 3:03 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
What I need are coping strategies. Did you have a dog inflicted on you by someone? How did you deal? How did you re-train your brain to stop actively hating the animal?
DWRoelands, sorry to be blunt, but I have very little hope for any coping strategies working for you because it seems obvious that from day 1 you were super angry and super resentful about the dog, and just wanted the dog gone. It sounds like that's still the case, that what you really want is to just have the dog gone and you will seethe until that happens. In your first question you said:
Thank you all for your input. I'm pessimistic that this particular dog can be suitably re-educated because he was spoiled so badly by the "rescue" owners. However, having some options to try before giving up is better than just giving up. Thanks!
And several other comments about not wanting to try professional training because of the fact that it might or might not work.
The only coping strategy is to get professional training for this dog. For your description I am also very, very skeptical that you did did the crate training properly instead of just sticking the dog in the crate and closing the latch.
posted by cairdeas at 4:20 PM on March 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
DWRoelands, sorry to be blunt, but I have very little hope for any coping strategies working for you because it seems obvious that from day 1 you were super angry and super resentful about the dog, and just wanted the dog gone. It sounds like that's still the case, that what you really want is to just have the dog gone and you will seethe until that happens. In your first question you said:
Thank you all for your input. I'm pessimistic that this particular dog can be suitably re-educated because he was spoiled so badly by the "rescue" owners. However, having some options to try before giving up is better than just giving up. Thanks!
And several other comments about not wanting to try professional training because of the fact that it might or might not work.
The only coping strategy is to get professional training for this dog. For your description I am also very, very skeptical that you did did the crate training properly instead of just sticking the dog in the crate and closing the latch.
posted by cairdeas at 4:20 PM on March 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
The dog is not untrainable. He has very clearly been trained since he came to your home, only in ill behaviors. Either get on board with your family to re-train him together (a professional can help with this, or advice from pros via books or videos such as Cesar Milan's excellent books and TV series) or admit defeat and return the dog to the rescue. You're not doing yourself, your family, this dog, or any future pets any favors by keeping a dog in an atmosphere of animosity.
posted by notashroom at 4:44 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by notashroom at 4:44 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I am not looking for help with training this dog.
Seeing as this part of my question is being almost universally ignored, I'm going to ask a mod to close this up.
posted by DWRoelands at 5:16 PM on March 17, 2012
Seeing as this part of my question is being almost universally ignored, I'm going to ask a mod to close this up.
posted by DWRoelands at 5:16 PM on March 17, 2012
Just as well. Your question as posed is as close to unanswerable as I've seen. Please train your dog with your family on board. You'll be amazed at the difference a bit of consistent effort can make.
posted by vers at 5:20 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by vers at 5:20 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
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