What does the process look like?
February 29, 2012 1:35 PM Subscribe
What does the process of getting close to someone really feel like?
I'm a few months into a new relationship that really makes me happy. However, things aren't proceeding in a way that feels logical to me, and I'm not sure what is normal.
I've posted a couple of anonymous questions on here that led to a chorus of DTMFA. I didn't, and I'm glad that I didn't, as many of the red flags seemed to have resolved themselves over time or to have been artifacts of poor communication, getting used to each other, and each of our insecurities and anxieties.
The more time we spend together, the more secure, happy, communicative, close and just all around good I feel. But there are definitely blips that still come up that make me very unhappy. He says whatever is on his mind, which sometimes hurts me. He can be oblivious to my feelings. But he really tries to make me happy -- when he is aware of it. He has a lot more anxiety than I realized, and that often comes out as defensiveness. Stuff like that. This is really the best relationship either of us have been in (although that's probably not saying much, given my history!)
So, all of this made me wonder: What does the process of coming together really look like? I know it's messy and there are many happy long-term couples I know that have had mini-breakups, fights, etc. along the way.
My questions:
- If you are in a happy long-term relationship, what did the process of getting closer look like?
- What were the mishaps along the way? (Please try to remember, even if all is bliss now!)
- For two pretty anxious, ADD-ish people -- one of whom is super insecure and has issues with intimacy and the other who is a bit sensitivity-impaired -- how do things get from a bit rocky to smooth out the curve and be more awesome over time?
I'm a few months into a new relationship that really makes me happy. However, things aren't proceeding in a way that feels logical to me, and I'm not sure what is normal.
I've posted a couple of anonymous questions on here that led to a chorus of DTMFA. I didn't, and I'm glad that I didn't, as many of the red flags seemed to have resolved themselves over time or to have been artifacts of poor communication, getting used to each other, and each of our insecurities and anxieties.
The more time we spend together, the more secure, happy, communicative, close and just all around good I feel. But there are definitely blips that still come up that make me very unhappy. He says whatever is on his mind, which sometimes hurts me. He can be oblivious to my feelings. But he really tries to make me happy -- when he is aware of it. He has a lot more anxiety than I realized, and that often comes out as defensiveness. Stuff like that. This is really the best relationship either of us have been in (although that's probably not saying much, given my history!)
So, all of this made me wonder: What does the process of coming together really look like? I know it's messy and there are many happy long-term couples I know that have had mini-breakups, fights, etc. along the way.
My questions:
- If you are in a happy long-term relationship, what did the process of getting closer look like?
- What were the mishaps along the way? (Please try to remember, even if all is bliss now!)
- For two pretty anxious, ADD-ish people -- one of whom is super insecure and has issues with intimacy and the other who is a bit sensitivity-impaired -- how do things get from a bit rocky to smooth out the curve and be more awesome over time?
Go on a weekend trip together. This will bring you closer and tell you a lot about the person.
posted by desjardins at 1:49 PM on February 29, 2012
posted by desjardins at 1:49 PM on February 29, 2012
Getting close to somebody romantically? Never involved things that had seemed to be red flags resolving, but it entirely possible the other halves felt that way about me.
The only rocky I've ever had at the start of something was entirely on my side - either because understanding how much I could care for someone was also understanding that there was a limit or, in the case of the man I married, not wanting to rush into exclusivity.
What does rocky mean to you? Are you talking about not agreeing about everything all that time? That's not rocky, that's normal. Are you talking about things happening regularly that hurt and make you doubt yourself or the relationship? Because that either means you're in the wrong relationship or that you aren't ready to be in one.
What would it look like if things were smooth and what does rocky and blips look like? It's had to address this without making assumptions.
It's possible you're both suffering relationship growing pains and on your way to bliss. It's also possible you are hell bent on finding a way to categorize this as a romance that's about to bloom. I hope it's the former.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 1:53 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]
The only rocky I've ever had at the start of something was entirely on my side - either because understanding how much I could care for someone was also understanding that there was a limit or, in the case of the man I married, not wanting to rush into exclusivity.
What does rocky mean to you? Are you talking about not agreeing about everything all that time? That's not rocky, that's normal. Are you talking about things happening regularly that hurt and make you doubt yourself or the relationship? Because that either means you're in the wrong relationship or that you aren't ready to be in one.
What would it look like if things were smooth and what does rocky and blips look like? It's had to address this without making assumptions.
It's possible you're both suffering relationship growing pains and on your way to bliss. It's also possible you are hell bent on finding a way to categorize this as a romance that's about to bloom. I hope it's the former.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 1:53 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]
Best answer: He says whatever is on his mind, which sometimes hurts me. He can be oblivious to my feelings.
Being in a long term relationship, for me, means that you don't get to sort of decide "well it's okay to hurt someone if they're too sensitive, it's unavoidable!" or whatever. It means that these sorts of things, some sort of interaction where one person comes out of it feeling bad, are relationship issues and are of concern to both parties. I don't mean that it might not be the case that someone might be too sensitive, but you get to define normal within your relationship, the two of you and then you get to have back and forth conversations about "hey you hurt my feelings" where the goal is for both people to feel better, not one person to admit the error of their ways and be suitably chastened and the other to emerge victorious or someone flipping out because you did that THING again. It's having more of a long view because the day to day "Do I want to do this, be with this person?" question is sort of answered.
So for me this looks like a situation in which occasionally the same dumb things happen [hey we're all human and imperfect] but our methods of dealing with them have improved. We can give each other the benefit of the doubt but at the same time sort of honor the "Hey sorry I said I was going to try to not do that anymore" agreements we've made. And one day I just sort of noticed that I felt like when things came up that made me feel weird or awkward or whatever [I am an anxious person, my SO has ADD that is sometimes better managed than others] I was looking forward to being able to talk about it because I knew we'd be able to discuss it and work on things and both come out of it feeling better, not have me feel like I was overreacting or him feel like he was being punished or me feeling like he didn't care about my feelings or him feeling like I was trying to make him into something he wasn't, all the usual tropes.
And I guess the biggest thing, to me, is "Am I trying to make it better? Is he trying to make it better?" this includes dumb stuff like "Hey don't bump into me when I'm doing the dishes I HATE THAT" but also more serious stuff like "Hey if your ADD is causing problems for our relationship and you care about that, you need to take steps to work on that, not just say 'oh it's my ADD' and assume you get a free pass" It's tough to do, a lot of the times, especially for analytical people who are really thinky, but it should be the goal state. So to your specific goal, if he is saying things that hurt you, what is the plan, for both of you, for that to not happen as often and does it involve input and adjustment from BOTH of you not just "Oh you need to not be so sensitive, this is how I am"
At such an early stage of the relationship, it's possible that someone might decide they don't want to compromise for the sake of the relationship and that's sort of what the early months of dating are supposed to ferret out.
posted by jessamyn at 2:13 PM on February 29, 2012 [18 favorites]
Being in a long term relationship, for me, means that you don't get to sort of decide "well it's okay to hurt someone if they're too sensitive, it's unavoidable!" or whatever. It means that these sorts of things, some sort of interaction where one person comes out of it feeling bad, are relationship issues and are of concern to both parties. I don't mean that it might not be the case that someone might be too sensitive, but you get to define normal within your relationship, the two of you and then you get to have back and forth conversations about "hey you hurt my feelings" where the goal is for both people to feel better, not one person to admit the error of their ways and be suitably chastened and the other to emerge victorious or someone flipping out because you did that THING again. It's having more of a long view because the day to day "Do I want to do this, be with this person?" question is sort of answered.
So for me this looks like a situation in which occasionally the same dumb things happen [hey we're all human and imperfect] but our methods of dealing with them have improved. We can give each other the benefit of the doubt but at the same time sort of honor the "Hey sorry I said I was going to try to not do that anymore" agreements we've made. And one day I just sort of noticed that I felt like when things came up that made me feel weird or awkward or whatever [I am an anxious person, my SO has ADD that is sometimes better managed than others] I was looking forward to being able to talk about it because I knew we'd be able to discuss it and work on things and both come out of it feeling better, not have me feel like I was overreacting or him feel like he was being punished or me feeling like he didn't care about my feelings or him feeling like I was trying to make him into something he wasn't, all the usual tropes.
And I guess the biggest thing, to me, is "Am I trying to make it better? Is he trying to make it better?" this includes dumb stuff like "Hey don't bump into me when I'm doing the dishes I HATE THAT" but also more serious stuff like "Hey if your ADD is causing problems for our relationship and you care about that, you need to take steps to work on that, not just say 'oh it's my ADD' and assume you get a free pass" It's tough to do, a lot of the times, especially for analytical people who are really thinky, but it should be the goal state. So to your specific goal, if he is saying things that hurt you, what is the plan, for both of you, for that to not happen as often and does it involve input and adjustment from BOTH of you not just "Oh you need to not be so sensitive, this is how I am"
At such an early stage of the relationship, it's possible that someone might decide they don't want to compromise for the sake of the relationship and that's sort of what the early months of dating are supposed to ferret out.
posted by jessamyn at 2:13 PM on February 29, 2012 [18 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks, Jessamyn! I think you really got what I was trying to say... over time, we seem to be getting better at hearing each other's concerns and responding and not doing all of the usual tropes (which we've definitely encountered). I definitely look forward to talking about it, and I know that he tries to make it better (even if not always in the way that I would most prefer). It feels a bit weird because I have had more difficulty creating compromises and communicating with him than I have with other friends. But maybe that makes sense, given that there are a lot more expectations placed on romantic relationships than on friendships.
For those who wanted more details, here is an example:
I thought that he was spending too much time with an ex-girlfriend. He seemed to spend too much time talking with her and felt like I was controlling him when I tried to get him to spend less time with her. But he did listen to me. And he did make a variety of concessions -- like telling me when he talked to her, and being really thoughtful when they would spend time together. At the same time, he would also say really thoughtless things about good times he had had with her, and how much he enjoyed certain aspects of their relationship.
But... things have resolved a lot. Our relationship feels a lot stronger. It is very clear that their friendship is not romantic at all. He's much more sensitive to my concerns and tells me how much better our relationship is and why. He said the other day that he was so happy that I was expressing my needs more in the relationship.
So, it's kind of fuzzy and unclear and doesn't really fit the "he's awful, DTMFA" or "it's all perfect and everything goes according to plan" paradigm.
I'd definitely like to hear more about the messy negotiation part and what it's like for other people.
posted by 3491again at 2:34 PM on February 29, 2012
For those who wanted more details, here is an example:
I thought that he was spending too much time with an ex-girlfriend. He seemed to spend too much time talking with her and felt like I was controlling him when I tried to get him to spend less time with her. But he did listen to me. And he did make a variety of concessions -- like telling me when he talked to her, and being really thoughtful when they would spend time together. At the same time, he would also say really thoughtless things about good times he had had with her, and how much he enjoyed certain aspects of their relationship.
But... things have resolved a lot. Our relationship feels a lot stronger. It is very clear that their friendship is not romantic at all. He's much more sensitive to my concerns and tells me how much better our relationship is and why. He said the other day that he was so happy that I was expressing my needs more in the relationship.
So, it's kind of fuzzy and unclear and doesn't really fit the "he's awful, DTMFA" or "it's all perfect and everything goes according to plan" paradigm.
I'd definitely like to hear more about the messy negotiation part and what it's like for other people.
posted by 3491again at 2:34 PM on February 29, 2012
If you are in a happy long-term relationship, what did the process of getting closer look like?.....What were the mishaps along the way? (Please try to remember, even if all is bliss now!).
In brief, it was equal parts messy and beautiful.
For me it was (is) my first serious relationship, and everything was new and scary. I had to figure how to be available and vulnerable at the same time. The first argument we had wasn’t very big, but it was one of the most informative experiences I’ve had in my life. It was the first three or four months of our relationship, and he did something that I thought was insensitive, and it really pissed me off. It took me three days to tell him about. I was afraid that if I revealed my anger/disappointment to him that he would no longer love me (or I might suddenly stop loving him). Being mad or sad at him seemed completely contradictory to being in love with him, and it was hard to reconcile the two emotions. When we did talk about the situation I was extremely emotional and he handled the situation very well. I explained to him how scary it was to have some not fantastic feelings about something he did, and he explained that he loved me deeply and that we could still love each other during an argument. He was upset that it took me three days to “work up the courage” to talk to him, he told me how important an open dialogue between us would be, and that it would determine the success or failure of our relationship. He was very right, and since then maintaining an open dialogue has been of paramount importance in our relationship. When this dialogue breaks down we both work very hard to re-open the lines of communication, which can involve apologizing or sticking to our guns and trying to get the other person to see where we are coming from. So a lot of getting closer involved being out of respective comfort zones, and then working together to reestablish that zone in a way that respected both of our needs and desires.
For two pretty anxious, ADD-ish people -- one of whom is super insecure and has issues with intimacy and the other who is a bit sensitivity-impaired -- how do things get from a bit rocky to smooth out the curve and be more awesome over time?
My partner and I were both diagnosed with ADHD as children, and it’s definitely followed us both into adulthood. I’m medicated, and he isn’t. We deal with a lot of the same symptoms. The biggest challenge the ADHD posses to our relationship happens when one of us can’t just sit still (we both “jiggle” pretty constantly when attempting sitting still), look the other in the eye, and give them some undivided attention. But we’ve gotten pretty good at saying to the other person “Hey, I really need your full attention right now.”
If anything the first year of our relationship we were both infatuated with each other, and it was around our year anniversary that the infatuation (not the companionship or romance) wore off, and that’s were we have been seeing some rockiness. He’s definitely more of a regular person to me than the awesome-stellar-brilliant-amazing sex god I saw him as for the first twelve months we were together. And I’m sure I’m more of a regular person to him now that the awesome-stellar-brilliant-amazing sex goddess he saw me as when the infatuation ruled our relationship, rather than companionship and romance.
I would suggest you be honest with him and yourself about your emotional needs. Can he meet your needs, can you meet his? Like I said above, dialogue and open communication with your partner is the cornerstone of a healthy and enduring relationship. Setting up that dialogue and sustaining it is a lot of messy work, but for me it was WELL worth it
posted by OsoMeaty at 2:57 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
In brief, it was equal parts messy and beautiful.
For me it was (is) my first serious relationship, and everything was new and scary. I had to figure how to be available and vulnerable at the same time. The first argument we had wasn’t very big, but it was one of the most informative experiences I’ve had in my life. It was the first three or four months of our relationship, and he did something that I thought was insensitive, and it really pissed me off. It took me three days to tell him about. I was afraid that if I revealed my anger/disappointment to him that he would no longer love me (or I might suddenly stop loving him). Being mad or sad at him seemed completely contradictory to being in love with him, and it was hard to reconcile the two emotions. When we did talk about the situation I was extremely emotional and he handled the situation very well. I explained to him how scary it was to have some not fantastic feelings about something he did, and he explained that he loved me deeply and that we could still love each other during an argument. He was upset that it took me three days to “work up the courage” to talk to him, he told me how important an open dialogue between us would be, and that it would determine the success or failure of our relationship. He was very right, and since then maintaining an open dialogue has been of paramount importance in our relationship. When this dialogue breaks down we both work very hard to re-open the lines of communication, which can involve apologizing or sticking to our guns and trying to get the other person to see where we are coming from. So a lot of getting closer involved being out of respective comfort zones, and then working together to reestablish that zone in a way that respected both of our needs and desires.
For two pretty anxious, ADD-ish people -- one of whom is super insecure and has issues with intimacy and the other who is a bit sensitivity-impaired -- how do things get from a bit rocky to smooth out the curve and be more awesome over time?
My partner and I were both diagnosed with ADHD as children, and it’s definitely followed us both into adulthood. I’m medicated, and he isn’t. We deal with a lot of the same symptoms. The biggest challenge the ADHD posses to our relationship happens when one of us can’t just sit still (we both “jiggle” pretty constantly when attempting sitting still), look the other in the eye, and give them some undivided attention. But we’ve gotten pretty good at saying to the other person “Hey, I really need your full attention right now.”
If anything the first year of our relationship we were both infatuated with each other, and it was around our year anniversary that the infatuation (not the companionship or romance) wore off, and that’s were we have been seeing some rockiness. He’s definitely more of a regular person to me than the awesome-stellar-brilliant-amazing sex god I saw him as for the first twelve months we were together. And I’m sure I’m more of a regular person to him now that the awesome-stellar-brilliant-amazing sex goddess he saw me as when the infatuation ruled our relationship, rather than companionship and romance.
I would suggest you be honest with him and yourself about your emotional needs. Can he meet your needs, can you meet his? Like I said above, dialogue and open communication with your partner is the cornerstone of a healthy and enduring relationship. Setting up that dialogue and sustaining it is a lot of messy work, but for me it was WELL worth it
posted by OsoMeaty at 2:57 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
> What does rocky mean to you? Are you talking about not agreeing about everything all that time? That's not rocky, that's normal. Are you talking about things happening regularly that hurt and make you doubt yourself or the relationship? Because that either means you're in the wrong relationship or that you aren't ready to be in one.
This!
posted by OsoMeaty at 3:00 PM on February 29, 2012
This!
posted by OsoMeaty at 3:00 PM on February 29, 2012
Just read your update and something that really concerns me is this (it just doesn't make ANY sense to me):
I thought that he was spending too much time with an ex-girlfriend. He seemed to spend too much time talking with her and felt like I was controlling him when I tried to get him to spend less time with her. But he did listen to me. And he did make a variety of concessions -- like telling me when he talked to her, and being really thoughtful when they would spend time together. At the same time, he would also say really thoughtless things about good times he had had with her, and how much he enjoyed certain aspects of their relationship
WAIT. WHAT? This was would freak me out BEYOND BELIEF. Why is he spending anytime with his exgirlfriend?! I would not regard this as normal, at all! Maybe it's just me, but this is a huge red flag to me and makes it seem like he's playing you. I just don't understand this at all.
Sorry for all the consecutive posts. Didn't read the OP's update until I was done posting mine.
posted by OsoMeaty at 3:13 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
I thought that he was spending too much time with an ex-girlfriend. He seemed to spend too much time talking with her and felt like I was controlling him when I tried to get him to spend less time with her. But he did listen to me. And he did make a variety of concessions -- like telling me when he talked to her, and being really thoughtful when they would spend time together. At the same time, he would also say really thoughtless things about good times he had had with her, and how much he enjoyed certain aspects of their relationship
WAIT. WHAT? This was would freak me out BEYOND BELIEF. Why is he spending anytime with his exgirlfriend?! I would not regard this as normal, at all! Maybe it's just me, but this is a huge red flag to me and makes it seem like he's playing you. I just don't understand this at all.
Sorry for all the consecutive posts. Didn't read the OP's update until I was done posting mine.
posted by OsoMeaty at 3:13 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
As an ostensibly grown man, he has every right to see who he chooses as long as he's open and honest about it.
posted by speedgraphic at 3:29 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by speedgraphic at 3:29 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]
Getting close is what it is all about.
This part of my Puzzle Pieces Theory of relationships. We all have our quirks, habits, preferences, idiosyncrasies, etc. that form the "shape" of our personalities, so to speak. We try to find somebody else who's "shape" is complementary to our own. Not identical, but convex where we are concave, and visa-versa. It isn't ever a perfect fit, however.
Getting close is where each partner learns to mold their shape to better fit the other.
Part of that is learning where not to poke the other. We all have those emotional spots that are too sensitive. Our partner does not have ESP and will not automatically know where those places are because we love each other. We tend to hide them with protective nonchalance during the early stages then get all grumbly when they get stomped on later.
You have to actually say, "Please don't do that." Often. Over a period of time.
P.S. I have some very nice relationships with ex-girlfriends that Mrs. Director is fully aware (and approves) of. But she's pretty confident in her place in my life.
posted by trinity8-director at 3:52 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]
This part of my Puzzle Pieces Theory of relationships. We all have our quirks, habits, preferences, idiosyncrasies, etc. that form the "shape" of our personalities, so to speak. We try to find somebody else who's "shape" is complementary to our own. Not identical, but convex where we are concave, and visa-versa. It isn't ever a perfect fit, however.
Getting close is where each partner learns to mold their shape to better fit the other.
Part of that is learning where not to poke the other. We all have those emotional spots that are too sensitive. Our partner does not have ESP and will not automatically know where those places are because we love each other. We tend to hide them with protective nonchalance during the early stages then get all grumbly when they get stomped on later.
You have to actually say, "Please don't do that." Often. Over a period of time.
P.S. I have some very nice relationships with ex-girlfriends that Mrs. Director is fully aware (and approves) of. But she's pretty confident in her place in my life.
posted by trinity8-director at 3:52 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]
I have always pictured becoming intimate with someone else (romantically, as a good friend, or even a close business partner) as two cliffs rubbing against each other - kind of an extension of trinity8's puzzle piece theory.
First, you have to find someone you like, and their personality needs to fit with yours. That's the easy part; then you start to wear on each other.
Each cliff has its protuberances and its recesses, and as you get to know somebody these surfaces grind together, and you find their boundaries and they find yours, and your surface gives a bit for their quirks and vice versa; things find a happy medium as the cliffs grind each other down and fit together. The deeper your relationship, the more likely you'll hit something that refuses to give, and you have to accommodate it (or the other way around). If you hit something deep that refuses to give on either side, you're toast.
The process is incredibly fun. I loved falling in love. There were snags, but these were taken by both sides as an opportunity to learn about the other person.
With anything else, practice makes perfect (or at least pretty good), so as long as both sides are working as a team things tend to get smoother and better with time.
posted by amcm at 4:39 PM on February 29, 2012 [7 favorites]
First, you have to find someone you like, and their personality needs to fit with yours. That's the easy part; then you start to wear on each other.
Each cliff has its protuberances and its recesses, and as you get to know somebody these surfaces grind together, and you find their boundaries and they find yours, and your surface gives a bit for their quirks and vice versa; things find a happy medium as the cliffs grind each other down and fit together. The deeper your relationship, the more likely you'll hit something that refuses to give, and you have to accommodate it (or the other way around). If you hit something deep that refuses to give on either side, you're toast.
The process is incredibly fun. I loved falling in love. There were snags, but these were taken by both sides as an opportunity to learn about the other person.
With anything else, practice makes perfect (or at least pretty good), so as long as both sides are working as a team things tend to get smoother and better with time.
posted by amcm at 4:39 PM on February 29, 2012 [7 favorites]
I disagree that there is necessarily any problem with him seeing an ex.
However, OP, I do think there is something wrong with your trying to make it illegal for him to voice his opinions, feelings, and perceptions. You're very aware of how his statements about good times with his ex-girlfriend make you feel. Now think about this: how would it feel if the person you are supposed to be becoming close to did not want to hear how you felt about something? Wanted you to suppress your natural expression to assuage her own insecurities? Would that feel good?
Sure doesn't feel good to me. I've been the member of the couple who has been stifled due to my partner's poor reactions to hearing my honest reactions, perceptions, feelings, etc.
If you "win" and he stifles himself for you, you still lose, because you will be fostering resentment on his part, and you won't really be getting to know him, you'll be getting to know a sanitized version of him, whatever he felt like he could share with you without being punished for it.
I'd suggest that you need to work on your own insecurity, so that you aren't so threatened by hearing that someone you supposedly care for has had good times with someone other than you. If you care about him, you should want him to have good experiences, not just with you. And if you can gain some confidence, you will realize that those aren't any threat to you, in fact they enhance your relationship because you will have a happy, fulfilled partner with rich life experiences.
In short: stop making it illegal for him to tell you his honest feelings, and start working on your own insecurities.
posted by parrot_person at 12:23 AM on March 1, 2012 [4 favorites]
However, OP, I do think there is something wrong with your trying to make it illegal for him to voice his opinions, feelings, and perceptions. You're very aware of how his statements about good times with his ex-girlfriend make you feel. Now think about this: how would it feel if the person you are supposed to be becoming close to did not want to hear how you felt about something? Wanted you to suppress your natural expression to assuage her own insecurities? Would that feel good?
Sure doesn't feel good to me. I've been the member of the couple who has been stifled due to my partner's poor reactions to hearing my honest reactions, perceptions, feelings, etc.
If you "win" and he stifles himself for you, you still lose, because you will be fostering resentment on his part, and you won't really be getting to know him, you'll be getting to know a sanitized version of him, whatever he felt like he could share with you without being punished for it.
I'd suggest that you need to work on your own insecurity, so that you aren't so threatened by hearing that someone you supposedly care for has had good times with someone other than you. If you care about him, you should want him to have good experiences, not just with you. And if you can gain some confidence, you will realize that those aren't any threat to you, in fact they enhance your relationship because you will have a happy, fulfilled partner with rich life experiences.
In short: stop making it illegal for him to tell you his honest feelings, and start working on your own insecurities.
posted by parrot_person at 12:23 AM on March 1, 2012 [4 favorites]
My questions:
- If you are in a happy long-term relationship, what did the process of getting closer look like?
Both relationships started out similarly, as new friends that quickly declared stronger feelings for each other. The difference with Mr. jbenben was that I had more experience, so I KNEW he was totally awesome and not some annoying work-in-progress like my ex husband, who likely would never be what I needed and deserved.
I've been married "twice" - but this time FOR REAL. It feels like I've only been married once, FWIW. Technically, I believe I was living with my ex longer at this point, and while that relationship could have been "forever" at the time, I was aware subconsciously it probably wouldn't be. It wasn't.
Is your guy an ally in terms of your lifestyle (home life) goals? This is an important question!
I had a crap childhood. I place a paramount on living with an ally and not an enemy. Just saying.
- What were the mishaps along the way? (Please try to remember, even if all is bliss now!)
You'll love this! So Mr. jbenben and I had 3 GREAT years, and 10 months ago we had our first child. Sleep deprivation and some medical stuff played a part, but honestly, this was the first truly rocky period in 3 years we have ever had! It sucked!
(My ex and I had problems all along, even before we started living together after a few months of dating. Take that for what it's worth.)
It was easier to work through troubles w/ Mr. jbenben because we had a few years of bliss to rely on. If it had only been a few months of bliss... we'd be divorced or separated by now. I kid you not. Children bring out the best and worse of a relationship. Full stop. If you are both caring people and your parenting styles don't mesh - man! Our cats handled the birth of our son better than we did. The cats adjusted their roles accordingly, my husband and I vied for supremacy for a while until we both learned how to JOINTLY care for this little being (our son) that we both LOVE to perfection. It's funny now, but between the sleep deprivation and caring so much - wow - the conflicts are scary!
- For two pretty anxious, ADD-ish people -- one of whom is super insecure and has issues with intimacy and the other who is a bit sensitivity-impaired -- how do things get from a bit rocky to smooth out the curve and be more awesome over time?
I dunno. See above where I mention how having children confuses the dynamic. You are not the same couple once you have children. If you plan to have children and the foundation is not secure to begin with... well, this is EXACTLY why I got divorced from my first husband. A lot of years and a lot of work in, and having children with him still was a bad bad idea (via my filter of not having had a great childhood and and wanting a GREAT childhood for my own offspring...) We divorced and I eventually married my Real Husband.
YMMV. But That's my "Bigger Picture" take on the issues you are concerned about.
posted by jbenben at 1:48 AM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
- If you are in a happy long-term relationship, what did the process of getting closer look like?
Both relationships started out similarly, as new friends that quickly declared stronger feelings for each other. The difference with Mr. jbenben was that I had more experience, so I KNEW he was totally awesome and not some annoying work-in-progress like my ex husband, who likely would never be what I needed and deserved.
I've been married "twice" - but this time FOR REAL. It feels like I've only been married once, FWIW. Technically, I believe I was living with my ex longer at this point, and while that relationship could have been "forever" at the time, I was aware subconsciously it probably wouldn't be. It wasn't.
Is your guy an ally in terms of your lifestyle (home life) goals? This is an important question!
I had a crap childhood. I place a paramount on living with an ally and not an enemy. Just saying.
- What were the mishaps along the way? (Please try to remember, even if all is bliss now!)
You'll love this! So Mr. jbenben and I had 3 GREAT years, and 10 months ago we had our first child. Sleep deprivation and some medical stuff played a part, but honestly, this was the first truly rocky period in 3 years we have ever had! It sucked!
(My ex and I had problems all along, even before we started living together after a few months of dating. Take that for what it's worth.)
It was easier to work through troubles w/ Mr. jbenben because we had a few years of bliss to rely on. If it had only been a few months of bliss... we'd be divorced or separated by now. I kid you not. Children bring out the best and worse of a relationship. Full stop. If you are both caring people and your parenting styles don't mesh - man! Our cats handled the birth of our son better than we did. The cats adjusted their roles accordingly, my husband and I vied for supremacy for a while until we both learned how to JOINTLY care for this little being (our son) that we both LOVE to perfection. It's funny now, but between the sleep deprivation and caring so much - wow - the conflicts are scary!
- For two pretty anxious, ADD-ish people -- one of whom is super insecure and has issues with intimacy and the other who is a bit sensitivity-impaired -- how do things get from a bit rocky to smooth out the curve and be more awesome over time?
I dunno. See above where I mention how having children confuses the dynamic. You are not the same couple once you have children. If you plan to have children and the foundation is not secure to begin with... well, this is EXACTLY why I got divorced from my first husband. A lot of years and a lot of work in, and having children with him still was a bad bad idea (via my filter of not having had a great childhood and and wanting a GREAT childhood for my own offspring...) We divorced and I eventually married my Real Husband.
YMMV. But That's my "Bigger Picture" take on the issues you are concerned about.
posted by jbenben at 1:48 AM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
« Older What can I make with terra cotta? | What adhesive should I use for a leather insole... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Many told her DTMFA. But she didn't. 1.5 years later I have never done anything like that again, neither has she, and overall we are close and respectful.
I mean... there is a fine line between doing relationships your own way (to each his own) and recognizing when you are being objectively abused/used.
posted by jjmoney at 1:47 PM on February 29, 2012