Should we find our dog a new home?
February 22, 2012 3:56 PM Subscribe
Help me think through whether we ought to find a new home for our dog. Long, special-snowflake details inside.
We adopted our dog, Molly, three years ago. At the time, my partner had never had a dog. I was so excited he'd said yes about getting one, I rushed into it. As my partner says, the dog snookered us with her adorableness. (See Fig. 1)
We think she's a beagle-German shepherd mix. She was about three when we got her, so she's about six now. She is a high-energy, smart dog. She can be quite good, when she is thoroughly exercised, and given the right motivation. The problem is, we've never been consistent about providing those things, and since having a baby a year ago, it's gotten worse.
When all is going well, she is sweet and calm and snuggly. She's a great accompaniment to a walk, and she is a blast at the dog park/beach/forest.
Here's the sad laundry list of things that frustrate us about having her in our lives:
- She licks constantly. Herself, anyone near her, the baby when he's on the floor.
- The barking. She's always been a barker, flipping out anytime her people leave the house. If we leave on foot, we can hear her barking and yelping two houses down. She started barking at the mailman about a year after we got her, and things have only gotten worse over the last two years. Today, she full-on flipped out, for a good ten minutes, when the street sweeper drove by. She barks when the UPS guy delivers to houses across the street and down a ways. She barks when the cats try to eat the food the baby drops. She barks when my housemates talk in their bedroom. She barks when I put her in her crate and leave the room. Generally, if she's barking because there's something she wants, she whines simultaneously. If a friend comes over or the mailman delivers, she sounds downright scary, growling and barking.
- In-house behavior. She counter-surfs, even when we are looking right at her. She consumes stuffed animals and any ball-like item left near her.
- Crating. She is crate-trained, which she seems to like, but lately, she ends up spending too much time in there. We crate her when we feed the baby, because otherwise she hovers and begs. We crate her when we go into the parts of the house where she's not allowed (because if left out, she'll destroy things, like baby toys or couch pillows), which means she ends up in her crate for a long time while I put the baby down for a nap or similar.
- Walks. She pulls, constantly. She is also leash-aggressive, which is worsened by using things like the Halti or Gentle Leader (which we tried in an attempt to get her to stop pulling). We DID go to a class specifically for the leash aggression, which made a HUGE difference. The trainer there, though, when we consulted her on the pulling behavior basically said, "Give what you've tried, it sounds like you can't fix that."
- Minor aggression towards the baby. When the baby started crawling, Molly started getting possessive of her food, toys and crate. This is normal, and I know that. We've been working on teaching the baby to leave her alone, and also communicating (ineffectively, apparently) to her that her behavior is completely unacceptable.
On the good side, she is damned smart. She knows all sorts of words -- e.g., when we're in the backyard, saying, "Molly, let's go inside," causes her to run to the back door. She leaves the cats alone. When I pull out the high chair, she goes into her crate without asking. She learned to keep out of the hallway to the bedrooms simply with the addition of a gate and the word "no" for about a week. Now she just...doesn't go back there, even when we do (she'll counter-surf, but she stays out of the hallway). She knows sit, stay, lie down, shake, come, wait, leave it, get off, and, sometimes, stop licking.
It's clear to me that the problem is us. She has the potential to be a damned awesome dog. It's clear from our training her to be less aggressive on leash that she can learn hard things. We don't know how to turn her into an awesome dog. We are inconsistent about exercise and training.
We have had long conversations about whether to take her back to where we got her, largely because the stress of the barking and her anxiety is overwhelming. But generally, we feel so guilty about it that we don't do anything. We actually do really like her, but she is not the right dog for us. And now the baby just worships the ground she walks on. But...I think it would be a good move, if we could find someone willing and able to take on the task of training and disciplining her.
Anyway, enough background.
TL;DR: How do you give up a basically good dog who just needs some work? Have you done this before? Do you think the small rescue place we got her from would be willing to let us foster her until they found someone? How do you deal with the guilt and social issues around giving up your dog? This is heart-rending.
We adopted our dog, Molly, three years ago. At the time, my partner had never had a dog. I was so excited he'd said yes about getting one, I rushed into it. As my partner says, the dog snookered us with her adorableness. (See Fig. 1)
We think she's a beagle-German shepherd mix. She was about three when we got her, so she's about six now. She is a high-energy, smart dog. She can be quite good, when she is thoroughly exercised, and given the right motivation. The problem is, we've never been consistent about providing those things, and since having a baby a year ago, it's gotten worse.
When all is going well, she is sweet and calm and snuggly. She's a great accompaniment to a walk, and she is a blast at the dog park/beach/forest.
Here's the sad laundry list of things that frustrate us about having her in our lives:
- She licks constantly. Herself, anyone near her, the baby when he's on the floor.
- The barking. She's always been a barker, flipping out anytime her people leave the house. If we leave on foot, we can hear her barking and yelping two houses down. She started barking at the mailman about a year after we got her, and things have only gotten worse over the last two years. Today, she full-on flipped out, for a good ten minutes, when the street sweeper drove by. She barks when the UPS guy delivers to houses across the street and down a ways. She barks when the cats try to eat the food the baby drops. She barks when my housemates talk in their bedroom. She barks when I put her in her crate and leave the room. Generally, if she's barking because there's something she wants, she whines simultaneously. If a friend comes over or the mailman delivers, she sounds downright scary, growling and barking.
- In-house behavior. She counter-surfs, even when we are looking right at her. She consumes stuffed animals and any ball-like item left near her.
- Crating. She is crate-trained, which she seems to like, but lately, she ends up spending too much time in there. We crate her when we feed the baby, because otherwise she hovers and begs. We crate her when we go into the parts of the house where she's not allowed (because if left out, she'll destroy things, like baby toys or couch pillows), which means she ends up in her crate for a long time while I put the baby down for a nap or similar.
- Walks. She pulls, constantly. She is also leash-aggressive, which is worsened by using things like the Halti or Gentle Leader (which we tried in an attempt to get her to stop pulling). We DID go to a class specifically for the leash aggression, which made a HUGE difference. The trainer there, though, when we consulted her on the pulling behavior basically said, "Give what you've tried, it sounds like you can't fix that."
- Minor aggression towards the baby. When the baby started crawling, Molly started getting possessive of her food, toys and crate. This is normal, and I know that. We've been working on teaching the baby to leave her alone, and also communicating (ineffectively, apparently) to her that her behavior is completely unacceptable.
On the good side, she is damned smart. She knows all sorts of words -- e.g., when we're in the backyard, saying, "Molly, let's go inside," causes her to run to the back door. She leaves the cats alone. When I pull out the high chair, she goes into her crate without asking. She learned to keep out of the hallway to the bedrooms simply with the addition of a gate and the word "no" for about a week. Now she just...doesn't go back there, even when we do (she'll counter-surf, but she stays out of the hallway). She knows sit, stay, lie down, shake, come, wait, leave it, get off, and, sometimes, stop licking.
It's clear to me that the problem is us. She has the potential to be a damned awesome dog. It's clear from our training her to be less aggressive on leash that she can learn hard things. We don't know how to turn her into an awesome dog. We are inconsistent about exercise and training.
We have had long conversations about whether to take her back to where we got her, largely because the stress of the barking and her anxiety is overwhelming. But generally, we feel so guilty about it that we don't do anything. We actually do really like her, but she is not the right dog for us. And now the baby just worships the ground she walks on. But...I think it would be a good move, if we could find someone willing and able to take on the task of training and disciplining her.
Anyway, enough background.
TL;DR: How do you give up a basically good dog who just needs some work? Have you done this before? Do you think the small rescue place we got her from would be willing to let us foster her until they found someone? How do you deal with the guilt and social issues around giving up your dog? This is heart-rending.
(I think the OP was totally clear that most of the dog issues are due to their lack of consistency, so I don't think it's fair to pile on that topic.)
I think you've presented a detailed listing of why you don't want to keep the dog, and I'm grateful that you're not just dropping it off at the pound. It takes a lot of guts to say that you've been a bad owner and that the dog would be better off in a better situation. So yes, contact the rescue place. If they're not able to help, start calling around. Contact friends, family, work colleagues, etc. Be honest about the dog's issues, and if you end up handling the adoption yourself, please hold out for a proper home even if it takes a while -- don't let him get stuck in a situation similar to the one he's in now.
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:50 PM on February 22, 2012
I think you've presented a detailed listing of why you don't want to keep the dog, and I'm grateful that you're not just dropping it off at the pound. It takes a lot of guts to say that you've been a bad owner and that the dog would be better off in a better situation. So yes, contact the rescue place. If they're not able to help, start calling around. Contact friends, family, work colleagues, etc. Be honest about the dog's issues, and if you end up handling the adoption yourself, please hold out for a proper home even if it takes a while -- don't let him get stuck in a situation similar to the one he's in now.
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:50 PM on February 22, 2012
Mod note: Comment removed - you know the drill. Be helpful or keep walking or go to MetaTalk. Thanks.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 4:57 PM on February 22, 2012
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 4:57 PM on February 22, 2012
If she is from a rescue, please return her to the rescue, otherwise contact a rescue. Your analysis of her problems is pretty accurate, as is your view of what the cause is. There is no shame in admitting you are not the right home for this dog, odds are, a dog like this would do great in a different home. You aren't going to change, and the dog isn't either without some solid investment in her, it is a-okay to admit that you aren't the people to make that investment. I might look for agility clubs or classes in your area and ask around there, this sounds like a great agility prospect to me.
posted by biscotti at 5:02 PM on February 22, 2012
posted by biscotti at 5:02 PM on February 22, 2012
Best answer: Actually, I'm probably in the minority opinion here. Not EVERYONE realizes what work a dog can be and I think it's absolutely great that you're good enough people to see your faults in raising the dog and essentially take part in finding Molly a new home where she'll get the love you know she deserves. I don't at all think you need to be chastised for this.
Look, I've been in the same shoes. We adopted a dog after much searching and talking with our shelter. Basically, after choosing and bonding with a certain dog we were told that it had become apparent that the dog we liked was aggressive towards children and that they'd prefer us take THIS dog. We observed the dog over two visits and she was docile, if not a little big for what we had in mind, and easy going. In short, after six months in our (very tiny) home, Sally was not those things at all. It's my fault for getting suckered into the deal by a shelter that obviously wanted a dog that had been there for a year gone, but still. These things happen. Most people simply abandon or mistreat their pets in lieu of finding them another good home, so I admire what you're doing here. We let Sally go after she crashed through a glass door only to decide 2 seconds later that she wanted back out that door and it was the right decision. She's in a home now where she is loved and gets the care she needs to be happy, something we just couldn't do.
I'd try not to beat yourself up so much. THIS HAPPENS, regardless of the good intentions people have. I'd look very hard at your local shelters and do your best to find one that you're as sure as you can be won't put your former pet in that situation my shelter did just because they want rid of her face. I'd avoid things like craigslist and local want ads -- not that decent people don't find good pets there, it just always smacked of the Walmart parking lot to me.
Also, your kid is more important than your dog. I fully expect others to disagree with that statement but if any dog were even remotely aggressive to my child, I'd be looking for a new home immediately, regardless of whether or not I could train the dog out of it.
tl:dr I can't offer much advice but I'm chiming in anyway so you can feel better about your decision. Best of luck.
posted by youandiandaflame at 5:08 PM on February 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
Look, I've been in the same shoes. We adopted a dog after much searching and talking with our shelter. Basically, after choosing and bonding with a certain dog we were told that it had become apparent that the dog we liked was aggressive towards children and that they'd prefer us take THIS dog. We observed the dog over two visits and she was docile, if not a little big for what we had in mind, and easy going. In short, after six months in our (very tiny) home, Sally was not those things at all. It's my fault for getting suckered into the deal by a shelter that obviously wanted a dog that had been there for a year gone, but still. These things happen. Most people simply abandon or mistreat their pets in lieu of finding them another good home, so I admire what you're doing here. We let Sally go after she crashed through a glass door only to decide 2 seconds later that she wanted back out that door and it was the right decision. She's in a home now where she is loved and gets the care she needs to be happy, something we just couldn't do.
I'd try not to beat yourself up so much. THIS HAPPENS, regardless of the good intentions people have. I'd look very hard at your local shelters and do your best to find one that you're as sure as you can be won't put your former pet in that situation my shelter did just because they want rid of her face. I'd avoid things like craigslist and local want ads -- not that decent people don't find good pets there, it just always smacked of the Walmart parking lot to me.
Also, your kid is more important than your dog. I fully expect others to disagree with that statement but if any dog were even remotely aggressive to my child, I'd be looking for a new home immediately, regardless of whether or not I could train the dog out of it.
tl:dr I can't offer much advice but I'm chiming in anyway so you can feel better about your decision. Best of luck.
posted by youandiandaflame at 5:08 PM on February 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Yup- your dog needs a LOT of exercise, and it isn't fair to her or to you if you can't provide that to her. You have also made a commitment- old mutts just don't get adopted very much. On the other hand, if you can out-source the exercise, you might be able to get to a solution that would work for everyone, You don't need a dog walker. You need a dog runner. Someone that will give her the opportunity to RUN, and LOT. use a chuck-it and through it up a hill, over and over.
Our high energy dog now has essentially no behavior issues because we take her to doggy day-care three days a week. That leaves her so exhausted that she will sleep the the days away(with some stick-chasing on the days off), no problem. Doggy daycare isn't for every dog, but ours is dog-obsessed- she loves running around chewing faces and sniffing butts. There are lots of other options.
Here, for example, is portland dog runner, with rates of 21-27 bucks per run. They come to your house, take the dog for a RUN, and then leave you with a tired puppy. I would put money on a significant drop in behavior issues when regular exercise starts. She is giving herself jobs, whether you like them or not.
posted by rockindata at 5:36 PM on February 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
Our high energy dog now has essentially no behavior issues because we take her to doggy day-care three days a week. That leaves her so exhausted that she will sleep the the days away(with some stick-chasing on the days off), no problem. Doggy daycare isn't for every dog, but ours is dog-obsessed- she loves running around chewing faces and sniffing butts. There are lots of other options.
Here, for example, is portland dog runner, with rates of 21-27 bucks per run. They come to your house, take the dog for a RUN, and then leave you with a tired puppy. I would put money on a significant drop in behavior issues when regular exercise starts. She is giving herself jobs, whether you like them or not.
posted by rockindata at 5:36 PM on February 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
A well-behaved dog is a true joy.
Training is for you, the owners. Not so much the dog. Training vids can help but for doing things on a regular basis you can't beat in-person classes.
Part of the problem is that you haven't defined your goals WRT the dog.
First, decide what you want the dog to be. Competitive obedience? Good house dog? Something in-between?
Next, decide what you are willing to do in order to get the dog to that stage. Find somebody who has a dog like that and ask them where they went for training.
You have a dog with a good spirit and bright mind. Now you have to finish the job. It will be worthwhile, I promise.
posted by trinity8-director at 5:37 PM on February 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Training is for you, the owners. Not so much the dog. Training vids can help but for doing things on a regular basis you can't beat in-person classes.
Part of the problem is that you haven't defined your goals WRT the dog.
First, decide what you want the dog to be. Competitive obedience? Good house dog? Something in-between?
Next, decide what you are willing to do in order to get the dog to that stage. Find somebody who has a dog like that and ask them where they went for training.
You have a dog with a good spirit and bright mind. Now you have to finish the job. It will be worthwhile, I promise.
posted by trinity8-director at 5:37 PM on February 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Contact the rescue you got the dog from. Many of them have a clause in the contract you sign saying that you will contact them if you can't keep the dog for any reason. Few of them will actually maintain ownership and you can get into legal trouble giving the dog away.
There are a lot you could do to train the dog out of the problem, but if the dog is young letting it go back to the rescue and to a home where it is not seen as a "problem" to be fixed but be the kinder thing to do.
I know of a rescue that will list the dog and let you keep it until it finds it's new home so possibly the rescue you are returning the dog to would do this, specially if they are short of fosters. You may have to take her to adoption events etc. If nothing else please contact the rescue you got the dog from before you do anything else.
posted by wwax at 5:38 PM on February 22, 2012
There are a lot you could do to train the dog out of the problem, but if the dog is young letting it go back to the rescue and to a home where it is not seen as a "problem" to be fixed but be the kinder thing to do.
I know of a rescue that will list the dog and let you keep it until it finds it's new home so possibly the rescue you are returning the dog to would do this, specially if they are short of fosters. You may have to take her to adoption events etc. If nothing else please contact the rescue you got the dog from before you do anything else.
posted by wwax at 5:38 PM on February 22, 2012
We have a very smart dog that looooves to bark, and the good news is that there are definitely ways to improve the barking. However, there's no way to eliminate it completely; you just need to learn to live with some level of barking (I hope you live in either a house or a dog-friendly apartment complex with lots of barking dogs).
Ways to reduce barking: keep music playing so the dog can't hear outside noises to bark at them - this is the single thing that makes the biggest difference for us. Collars that give a mild shock or spray citronella at the dog when she barks (they don't hurt; I've tried it on myself. It startles the dog into silence.). Unfortunately our very smart dog learned how to space out her barks and not set off the collar. Tired dogs bark less and sleep more.
But, that said, it sounds like you have a basically good dog and might not have the resources to train here - there's no shame in that. If you need to rehome her, she's going to find a good home where she's loved. So, spend some time thinking about whether you have the energy (with your baby and all) to put that time in, whether you have the money to have someone come walk her, and if you don't, that's okay. Your dog will be okay, and someday you will get another, lower-maintenance dog.
posted by insectosaurus at 6:15 PM on February 22, 2012
Ways to reduce barking: keep music playing so the dog can't hear outside noises to bark at them - this is the single thing that makes the biggest difference for us. Collars that give a mild shock or spray citronella at the dog when she barks (they don't hurt; I've tried it on myself. It startles the dog into silence.). Unfortunately our very smart dog learned how to space out her barks and not set off the collar. Tired dogs bark less and sleep more.
But, that said, it sounds like you have a basically good dog and might not have the resources to train here - there's no shame in that. If you need to rehome her, she's going to find a good home where she's loved. So, spend some time thinking about whether you have the energy (with your baby and all) to put that time in, whether you have the money to have someone come walk her, and if you don't, that's okay. Your dog will be okay, and someday you will get another, lower-maintenance dog.
posted by insectosaurus at 6:15 PM on February 22, 2012
I have returned a dog to the rescue group that I got it from. The dog was not a good fit with my other animals and I didn't spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to solve the problem. They found another, better home for the dog. You have already done so much to make it work with her. Now you have a baby and a dog with increasing aggression issues. Your dog does not sound happy to me and would probably be better off in a home with no young children. I would contact the rescue group. I have to admit as I type this that I was not very sentimental about the dog I returned. I was just so relieved that the dog was gone and still am.
posted by cairnoflore at 6:21 PM on February 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by cairnoflore at 6:21 PM on February 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
I feel like this one could go either way. Do you *want* to keep her? If you do, I think you can find ways to work around the inconsistency, hiring a dog walker or taking her to doggy daycare a few days a week until the kiddo is a bit older and you have more free time, for example. Citronella bark collars can work wonders for a dog who barks too much.
If you don't want to keep her, returning her to the rescue or rehoming her sounds like a pretty good option.
posted by zug at 6:58 PM on February 22, 2012
If you don't want to keep her, returning her to the rescue or rehoming her sounds like a pretty good option.
posted by zug at 6:58 PM on February 22, 2012
Response by poster: Thanks, y'all. We're going to contact the rescue tomorrow. She really deserves people who can take her on long runs and spend a couple hours at the park every day throwing the ball. We're going to see what we can do about keeping her here while they/we work to find her a new home, instead of putting her in a stressful shelter.
I get the "make a lifetime commitment" idea. This is why it's taken us three years to admit that we screwed up in the first place. I hope we can find her someone who will love her the way she deserves.
posted by linettasky at 7:40 PM on February 22, 2012
I get the "make a lifetime commitment" idea. This is why it's taken us three years to admit that we screwed up in the first place. I hope we can find her someone who will love her the way she deserves.
posted by linettasky at 7:40 PM on February 22, 2012
She sounds quite smart. Have you read any positive training books, or have you had an actual trainer out to your house?
Read up on Clicker Training. I can get a new dog to be clicker trained in about 15 minutes, enough to get them to realize what it means. From there out, it's a whole new relationship to training and the dog.
Right now your dog is getting tons of reinforcement for her 'negative' behaviour.
In the meantime, buy a bunch of Kong toys. Put a piece of kibble on the bottom, with a dollop of peanut butter. Fill with kibble or carrots or treats or cheese, and fill with water or broth. FREEZE overnight. Instant dog babysitter for hours, and it tires them out, and satisfies that licking desire.
posted by barnone at 11:16 PM on February 22, 2012
Read up on Clicker Training. I can get a new dog to be clicker trained in about 15 minutes, enough to get them to realize what it means. From there out, it's a whole new relationship to training and the dog.
Right now your dog is getting tons of reinforcement for her 'negative' behaviour.
In the meantime, buy a bunch of Kong toys. Put a piece of kibble on the bottom, with a dollop of peanut butter. Fill with kibble or carrots or treats or cheese, and fill with water or broth. FREEZE overnight. Instant dog babysitter for hours, and it tires them out, and satisfies that licking desire.
posted by barnone at 11:16 PM on February 22, 2012
Here are a fewdog trainer in Portland, who hits most of the right marks in terms of positive training, no alpha rolls, no "pack" nonsense.
Personally, I'd commit to a series of private trainings at home, before deciding you can't keep her. But that's just me, and I'm not in your shoes, and it seems like you're looking for permission to find another home.
posted by barnone at 11:28 PM on February 22, 2012
Personally, I'd commit to a series of private trainings at home, before deciding you can't keep her. But that's just me, and I'm not in your shoes, and it seems like you're looking for permission to find another home.
posted by barnone at 11:28 PM on February 22, 2012
It sounds like Molly might make a good agility dog. Depending on what her original rescue group has to say, you might try contacting someone who does agility and asking them to get the word out that you have a potential agility dog available for adoption. People who do agility are well-versed in the needs of high-energy dogs, so it's an avenue to explore even if yours doesn't turn out to be a good match for the sport.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 11:33 AM on February 23, 2012
posted by SuperSquirrel at 11:33 AM on February 23, 2012
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Note: A good rescue will work with you. A crappy rescue will make you feel like shit. My sister was basically brutalised by her breed rescue when her dog was tragically hit by a car.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:09 PM on February 22, 2012 [5 favorites]