Breaking up is hard to do...

July 5, 2005 7:06 AM

I'm now to the point that I'm thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend. But I'm finding it really, really difficult to do....

We've been dating for about a year, but for the past 3 or 4 months I've been feeling stifled in the relationship. I want to be on my own again, but I find it almost impossible to tell her because I know that it will hurt her. A lot.

The thing that makes it so difficult is that I like her. I enjoy being with her and spending time together. But as of late my feelings have become more platonic--actually, almost completely platonic. She's the one who initiates sex--which is great in and of itself--but I find my romantic feelings for her have passed on. I do love her, but I'm not in love with her (pardon the cliche).

Another aspect is that she's very much into the idea of settling down. She's 30, I'm 32, and maybe I should be in that frame of mind, but alas, I'm not.

Because we've spent so much time together and have done so many things together, it feels wrong of me to just pull the plug, and the thought of having The Talk just kills my soul. I recognize this is a weakness on my part. I just can't stand the thought of her feeling alone and unwanted. Which is actually not what I want--I'd love to be able to hang out with her and spend time with her in the future--but platonically, which I've learned from experience can be a difficult point to reach with an ex.

I'm just wondering if anyone has ever been in my shoes before. (And I have a bonus request: I carry around my ipod and would like to listen to some "breakup" music, some songs that can help me get through this period. Hopefully nothing too dreary. Any suggestions?)

posted by zardoz to human relations (28 answers total)

"I want to be on my own again, but I find it almost impossible to tell her because I know that it will hurt her. A lot."

Food for thought...the only thing more hurtful than finding out the person you love is just going through the motions and isn't 'feeling it' anymore is finding out they didn't even love/respect you enough to face a tough conversation and tell you the truth.

I sense from your posting that you genuinely care about this woman. At this point you're just keeping her from finding the person who will love her as much as she loves him. You're just not that guy. That doesn't make you a bad person, but keeping her on the dark cuz you're afraid to hurt her....

On the musical front, I think I remember seeing some breakup iMixes on iTunes. Check those out.
posted by garbo at 7:21 AM on July 5, 2005

Why not give her the benefit of the doubt? You say, "I just can't stand the thought of her feeling alone and unwanted." I say, "Maybe the six guys lined up around the block to date this great woman feel differently."

I think you should talk to her, let her go gently, be adult enough to deal with whatever she's feeling, and move on. It's condescending and cowardly to stick around. Let her get started on a better relationship.
posted by hamster at 7:23 AM on July 5, 2005

Maybe you need to take a week-long vacation alone to take stock.

If not, and you really do care for her, BREAK IT OFF NOW. The longer you put this off, the bigger a heel you will be. Man up, then get the hell out.
posted by Scoo at 7:25 AM on July 5, 2005

Bonus 4th of July thought:

You are what is standing between her and her 'pursuit of Happiness." Don't.
posted by garbo at 7:28 AM on July 5, 2005

"I care for you deeply, but I no longer have romantic feelings for you and I don't want to keep you tied up in a relationship that won't progress from where it is."
posted by sid at 7:28 AM on July 5, 2005

What hamster said. If she's as great as you say, she's not going to wind up alone and unwanted. Instead, she'll wind up with someone who actually wants her. Buck up and get it over with. (And don't try the "this hurts me more than it does you" route—acknowledge you're being a jerk and let her get mad at you, it will do her good and you can afford it.)

Note: I'm not calling you a jerk; you're clearly doing the right thing. But she's going to think you're being a jerk, and that's what she needs to feel in order to have a clean break, so don't try to make her feel your pain, is all I'm trying to say. Good luck.
posted by languagehat at 7:34 AM on July 5, 2005

I agree with what everyone said above.

Strangely, I just said to a friend last night that the statement "I hate hurting women" is about the biggest red flag for me from a guy. You're not doing the "all women love me so much that I will devastate them by leaving them" thing, but it's of a piece. To some extent, you just kind of have to realize that you're not really the best thing that will ever happen to this girl (as evidenced by your ambivalence toward her), that she's strong enough to go on without you (as evidenced by the fact that she was doing fine before she met you, so she'll probably do fine after you leave).

As for the friends thing -- you need to figure on at least a month without contact, possibly two or three months, before you can even really think about it, and she should be the one to decide after that time. Being dumped, and then being asked to hang out like nothing happened, has really sucked for me in the past, and ended up destroying any friendship that might have worked had there been more of a cooling-off period.
posted by occhiblu at 7:47 AM on July 5, 2005

Seems like you're taking the right tack, but I'll echo what other people have said and agree that prolonging things is wretched. Anything you guys do together that she might take as further moving on with the relationship is going to seem like a big lie after you break up, especially if you let slip that you've been thinking about it for a while. My recipe for a clean break:

- Make it all about you. You have these issues. You have this feeling. You want this. Any attempt to make the break-up better for the other person in a "you deserve better than me" way muddies things, leaves open a "No, I don't mind, let's work on it!" response from the other person and even if it's true sort of is beside the point

- If the two of you still want to keep in touch, arrange a way to have very neutral together time that is somewhat structured and not date-like. So, don't go for drinks in the evening with an open end-time, go for coffee from 1-3 on Thursdays or something. This is especially good if one of you turns out to be more clingy, or if you have a lot of unfinished business that needs dealing with.

- Make it clear that she did nothing wrong, if that's the case. If you'd like to be friends, that can happen at a later date, if it feels okay for both of you. There is a chance you're also feeling bad about the potential loss of a good friend that you have, and that's going to be secondary to her loss of a possible settle-down boyfriend, so leave it alone for now, but realize that it may be adding greatly to your reluctance.

- You do no one any favors by pretending to be more into them than you are. Having sex with someone you're not that into is not cool if they see it differently and you know they do. You can always wuss out and stop responding to sexual overtures and when she says "what's up?" You can say "Well I've been meaning to talk to you"
posted by jessamyn at 7:59 AM on July 5, 2005

Recommendations for "breakup music"? That's a bit cold, don't you think?
posted by words1 at 8:04 AM on July 5, 2005

You're wanting "breakup" music? The following song from The Barenaked Ladies seems apropos:

Break Your Heart

Words & Music by Steven Page

The bravest thing I've ever done
Was to run away and hide
But not this time, not this time
And the weakest thing I've ever done
Was to stay right by your side
Just like this time, and every time
I couldn't tell you I was happy when you were gone
So I lied and said that I missed you when we were apart.
I couldn't tell you, so I had to lead you on
But I didn't mean to break your heart.

And if, if, if I always seem distracted
Like my minds somewhere else,
That's because it's true
Yes it's true
it's this stupid pride that makes me feel
Like I have to follow through
Even half-assedly, loving you
Why must I always speak in terms of cowardice?
When I guess I should have just come out and told you right from the start
Why must I always tell you all I want is this?
I guess cause I wouldn't want to break your heart

And you said;
"What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Curl up and die just because of you?
I'm not that weak, you know
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Try to make you love me as much as I love you?
how could you be so low?
You arrogant man,
What do you think that I am?
My heart will be fine
Just stop wasting my time"

And now I'm over you, I'll be ok
and I got what I want
And that's rid of you
Good bye
And it's not cause I'll be missing you
That makes me fall apart
it's just that I didn't mean to break
No, I didn't mean to break
No, I didn't mean to break
Your heart
Your heart
posted by tdismukes at 8:05 AM on July 5, 2005

i agree with all of the above, and the classic "easy to know but so difficult to actually enact" lesson that prolonging these things only makes it much, much worse. if you're not in love anymore, BREAK IT OFF. maybe someday you two can be friends, but pretending you two have something you don't anymore simply because you don't hate her is not a good idea. and she's going to hurt no matter what--try to remind yourself of this. it's tough though. good luck.
posted by ifjuly at 8:31 AM on July 5, 2005

also, jessamyn is awesome as always in her advice.
posted by ifjuly at 8:33 AM on July 5, 2005

ah, and it's really inane to quote sex and the city, but i think one line is pretty apt here. at one point carrie's dating some guy who yeah, doesn't want to be the jerk, but their relationship isn't working, so they half assedly chug along at it and it sucks and is uncomfortable. she runs into his friends and they're like, "well, we never want to be the bad guy and have to deal with the fact the girl gets hurt so we're not entirely honest with them" and she says, "you can all get over over your fear of looking like the bad guy, and have the uncomfortable 'break-up conversation,' because avoiding that is what makes you the bad guy." so as languagehat says, be an adult and accept that what you're doing and what you need is going to hurt someone.

and hamster's right too. trust me, it's better to let her go find someone who really loves her. and you deserve that too--to find someone you really love. life's too short to pretend about that stuff.

/inane but sincere affirmations
posted by ifjuly at 8:39 AM on July 5, 2005

I think everyone's been there.... at one end or the other :-)

A method that a friend told me, and it worked for me: Call her and arrange to meet up. If she asks, just say you "need to talk". It was hard as hell at the time, but this shit always is. I was in a very similar position to you. But, once you've made that phone call, you've got no way out - you have to go through with it. Good luck.

On the music tip - make a CD or playlist or whatever. Start off with something appropriate to the situation, maybe something that's actually quite depressing. Then make each subsequent tune a little less depressing, until, after 10 or so tracks, you're listening to something uplifting and positive. Then go home and listen to it without interruption. Remove all vodka and razor-blades from the house first.
posted by ajp at 8:43 AM on July 5, 2005

I think I'm an example of what not to do.

2 of my last 3 girlfriends were, in their own ways, ultrasensitive and I went out with both for a couple of years. I can't tell you how long before the end in either case that I'd decided that these relationships weren't something that I wanted to have as permanent arrangements, but I think my fears for how breaking up would affect these partners changed the way I behaved.

With the first I think I slowly began to become insular -- not even a concious choice, more in paralyzed ennui or something -- I was less available both physically and emotionally and made less and less effort to connect and validate and support. I had a vague notion that I wanted to be single but I was too scared to do anything effective. In this way the relationship drifted and my girlfriend ultimately wondered if we should break up. I took that as her having broken up with me and so it was. That was pretty cowardly and I'm not proud of it, even though at times I've looked back with a rationalizing perspective thinking that at least my girlfriend will have felt stronger having done the deed than if it had been reversed. But that's not the right way to look at it.

In the other case, while there was occasional drift due to my ebbing ambivalence, I ended up going overseas -- not to get away from or out of the relationship -- supposedly for only a couple of months. Indirectly she heard I was thinking of staying longer and she gave me a time-ultimatum. I chose to stay away. She would brook no compromise and I didn't push it. This was inadvertent but for the best.

These are not scenarios I would recommend anyone either get themselves into nor foist on a significant other. No matter how fragile your girlfriend, prolonging a mismatch must ultimately confer more hurt. Needless to say that these are the only ex's with whom I've not been able to establish platonic relationships after the fact. All previous partners were/are close friends.

Be delicate but direct. But end it.
posted by peacay at 8:45 AM on July 5, 2005

Another aspect is that she's very much into the idea of settling down. She's 30, I'm 32, and maybe I should be in that frame of mind, but alas, I'm not.

First, there's no 'should' here. Ain't nothin' wrong with not settling down or wanting to. There is something wrong with explicit or implicit deceit in a relationship about that being what someone wants.

Lots o' good advice above, but I want to emphasize: if a 30-year-old woman wants to settle down, and she perceives you to have been stringing her along, you're apt not ever to be friends.

I think you knew the answers you'd get when you posted this, but just needed to hear them. Dump her. She deserves better than a relationship with only feigned passion. So do you.
posted by Zed_Lopez at 8:51 AM on July 5, 2005

Thanks to each and every one of you for your advice (even you, Saucy Intruder). Zed, you're right, I knew the answer but just wanted to "talk" about it with my anonymous MeFi family. jessamyn is indeed a wise one, and you hit the nail on the head I think: I'm simply (or not so simply) worried about losing a good friend, possibly forever. That's never fun.

And great song, tdismukes. Just what I was looking for.
posted by zardoz at 9:05 AM on July 5, 2005

This is the second thread I've found today containing song lyrics. Sometimes this place is absolutely LiveJournal.

The female biological clock isn't just a cliche. If she's itching to settle down, trailing her on your line with no intention of reeling her in is about the cruelest thing you can do. Life passes quickly. If you're not the guy, letting her know is a favor. Stop wasting her time.

And yeah, the iPod bit is lame. Grow up.
posted by cribcage at 9:06 AM on July 5, 2005

And yeah, the iPod bit is lame. Grow up.

Jeez, cribcage, don't you listen to music to cheer you up? Grease the wheels a bit? I mentioned my ipod only because I don't have a home stereo at the moment, so it's the main way I listen to music.

I expect criticism concerning my main post, but that's just petty.

/just had to say
posted by zardoz at 9:33 AM on July 5, 2005

If your girlfriend frequents MetaFitler, I think the task at hand may have just gotten substantially easier...
posted by herc at 9:34 AM on July 5, 2005

It's not lame that you have an iPod or that you listen to music, zardoz. It's that's you grouped your request for breakup music in the post about breaking up with someone you say you really care about.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:40 AM on July 5, 2005 [1 favorite]

Regarding the logistics: "We need to talk" hours before the actual talk is not kind. I don't recommend it. The ideal situation is to have the talk as soon as you bring it up at all; have it in private; and be able to leave her alone when you're done.
posted by redfoxtail at 10:05 AM on July 5, 2005

I don't there's really any need to assign 'blame' in these sorts of things. You can put it all on yourself if you want, maybe it'll make you feel better, but it'll also cheapen what you once had. It also won't help her any. When the day is over the fact of the matter is that you don't want her and there's no way to 'pretty' this up.

Still, letting this go by for "3 or 4" months without a word to her is pretty ridiculous. Hopefully in the future you'll learn not to keep your feelings bottled up like that.

Right now, as always, honesty is the best policy. You need to just tell her everything, face to face, in private. Don't leave out the fact that you've felt like this for a while. If you can be specific, perhaps if you can give her the exact moment, then do so. Ultimately, if you do love her, then the truth is what you owe her.

In terms of tactics, the best way to initiate the 'talk' is a comfortable place where there are no demands on anybody's time. You might need a few hours to get it all out. Mornings work, but it kind of sucks to ruin her whole day. If you can do it later, that's better, since sleep can dull some of the pain and morning can provide clarity.

As for the "let's just be friends" tack, just drop it. After a year of intimacy I doubt it'll fly. She'll need her space and you should give it to her. Maybe in a few months you two can get coffee and reminisce, but you shouldn't push it. Get out of her life, reflect some, and cherish the memories. Again, I'm not blaming you--that's just how these things are.
posted by nixerman at 10:15 AM on July 5, 2005

I'm just wondering if anyone has ever been in my shoes before

by a certain age, in the modern world, nearly everyone has been in your shoes before (on one end or the other, at least). Everyone's already said it well, but just remember that every day you put it off is prolonging a lie. If you already know this isn't "it" for you, and you also know she is thinking "this might be 'it'", then it really is your obligation to tell her the truth.

While it's nice to have some time to talk, I wouldn't worry about making sure you have a whole afternoon to go through everything. It very rarely helps to spend hours with the person you're breaking up with - it just increases the drama. She needs to be able to get out and go over to a friend's house to cry and eat ice cream, or whatever. Make it clear that you've given it a lot of thought, and that you are sure you're not in it for the long haul, tell her you'd really like to hear from her eventually if she's up for it, and get out of her life.

One of the worst things an ex can do is also try to be the comforter-friend. It is natural to want to take on that role, since you are probably one of her closest friends, and don't want her to be hurt, etc, but ultimately it is egotistical to try to do that. You have to accept that by breaking up with her, you are now no longer a relevant person in her life. If she happens to also want to end things, you can be friends. If she meets someone new, you might become friends again. But if she's hurt by your action, you can't try to soothe with one hand while you cause pain with the other. The best thing you can do is get out of the way, at least for the time being.
posted by mdn at 10:45 AM on July 5, 2005

Meh. I say that if she's wonderful, you should look at yourself and fix whatever it is in you that is so broken that you think breaking it off with a wonderful woman is the right thing to do.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:00 AM on July 5, 2005

There is something to what fff says, although I might not be so strident about it. It's probably worth thinking about what it is that you want elsewhere that you think you aren't getting, and whether or not you can reasonably expect to get it. You might be able to-someone at a different stage of like that does not want to settle-or you might find after some thought that something else fixable is bothering you.

That said, I absolutely hate being in the situation that you find yourself in right now. It's never fun to think about having that conversation, and unless you're a cold-hearted clod, it's never fun to go through a break-up even if you have initiated it. I agree with everyone who has said it's unfair to your partner. It's also, unfair to you, and probably tougher on you. Just do the math. Had you broken up with your girlfriend two months ago you would be well on the way out of whatever situational depression it caused. Now you still have it to come, plus, you've already had time to think unpleasant thoughts and debate with yourself.

As to music: The Mountain Goats, complete catalogue. Great for showing you the folly of your ways and the promise of the desperate future.
posted by OmieWise at 11:52 AM on July 5, 2005

Oh, and one other piece of practical advice: Pick a time to have the conversation with her, do not tell her in advance, but do tell a close friend of yours. Then call the same friend when it is over. This makes you kind of accountable for having the conversation to someone else, and thus makes it harder to duck. It also operationalizes a hard fact about this whole process, which is that breaking up with her or not is not dependent on whether or not you're having a good time on any particular evening.
posted by OmieWise at 11:56 AM on July 5, 2005

If you and I were friends, I'd listen to you talk through it over coffee and after a while, I'd smirk, punch you in the arm and say "And you're such a prize that you're being mean by depriving her of you, huh?"

But you and I don't know each other, so I'd never pull that.

Good for you for doing it now rather than a year, three years, down the line. No one wants to be in love with someone who doesn't love them back, even if they say something contrary to that when they first hear the news. Don't expect to be friends, don't expect her to "get" what you're saying. Maybe you'll eventually be friends, maybe you won't, but chances are you won't be chummy for at least three months. Let her know you're there for her as a friend, but you understand that she probably won't be comfortable with you.

My bracing for and dealing with the breakup music was Postal Service, Granddaddy, Bad Religionand medium skewl Ministry (Mind is a Terrible Thing to Taste, Land of Rape and Honey). I was wavering between weepy and angry. Of course, YMMV
posted by Gucky at 1:39 PM on July 5, 2005