How do I handle a job offer that I really want but am really intimidated by while going through a period of depression and social anxiety? (Sorry in advance about the avalanche of special snowflakey details)
I've posted about my current job before
. After most recent rough patch with my manager I applied for jobs like crazy. At one place I applied to a recruiter got in touch with me, I had various phone screens, an in-house technical interview that I guess I did pretty okay at, and a couple awkward post-interview calls where the recruiter asked me about salary requirements. I first told them accurately how much I was currently making, and when asked for what range would get me to work there, I gave a much-higher-but-probably-too-ambitious salary range that started with what I know friends at the same field, location and experience level are making, but the recruiter wasn't thrilled with it and scheduled another call for me to ask the head of the department questions. I felt very bad about this and assumed I had screwed my chances by naming such a high range, especially for someone with so little experience as myself.
During all of this weirdness and uncertainty and stress and running out to take phone calls in the middle of the work day and also fielding calls from shady search-engine recruiters I was pretty much at the end of my rope by the end of these past couple weeks and had pretty much talked myself out of taking whatever offer this place might make me because
a) it's a very social environment and I'm intimidated,
b) I assumed if they wouldn't offer me any more $ than what I'm getting now, and
c) various worries about pressure and responsibility: This is a title and position type I Really Want and I assume it will be correspondingly Really Difficult; I'm worried i'll be putting in a lot of hours and be under a lot of pressure, basically I'm intimidated by the job and worried I won't be able to hack it.
oh and also part of this is d) they do code reviews which means a meeting where everyone is looking at my code and this makes me really nervous.
When I actually asked various employees about things like work-life balance and hours worked, everyone said the hours are flexible (in terms of going in to the office at 10am or whatever) pressure is generally self-imposed (i.e. everyone *wants* to work hard there- but who really knows, they are trying to get me to work there!) and people generally work an average of 45 hours a week (I generally do 40 now).
There are also a ton of reasons I really wanted to get and consider an offer from them: I would learn SO MUCH and it's definitely the kind of job that would change my career for the better; lots of young people (unlike every other job I've ever had); very modern tech environment that hires lots of people in this same position that I can learn a lot from; unlike anywhere I've worked before; interesting business that is doing very well.
Anyway, I talked on the phone with the recruiter earlier and after a very strange "I don't want to make you an offer unless you're pretty sure you're going to accept it" - "Your company is my first choice but I'm going to weigh all factors in whatever offers I might get" song and dance, the recruiter made me a verbal offer. And it's pretty great, considering I have zero other offers at the moment. The base salary is 20% more than what I'm making now, and with benefits and things it actually comes up to the low end of the range I mentioned. I currently have another call with the recruiter at the end of the day tomorrow during which I should probably give him a decision, but I could get a couple more days if I really needed to.
So of course I should take this job that pays me more and gives me extremely valuable experience in a really cool environment right?
Well... I've been having some extreme issues with depression and anxiety lately, probably worse than I've ever been in the past. I'm trying to make multiple weekly appointments with my therapist when I can, and I actually had one earlier today before I heard this offer. We had talked about how hard it is to make big decisions when you're feeling this lousy (having trouble leaving the house; avoiding social settings; crying a lot, sometimes for no reason; anxiety type attacks; spending free time sitting on the couch playing iPhone Scrabble and ordering take-out) and that I probably shouldn't make any big decisions while I'm feeling like this. She had also said things like "well it doesn't really sound like you want this job that much" because I had listed all of my above concerns and why I was worried. And so here I am less than 5 hours from when I said "yeah I guess I don't [really want this job]" and I suddenly have a big career-changing decision to make and I have to make it fast, and I want to take it! except... i'm nervous.
I'm also really concerned about handling things at my current place if I do decide to leave. As in, I should not leave for various reasons. I will be a huge jerk for leaving since they've been trying unsuccessfully to hire new people to add to the project, and the project is not over til June. So I'd be abandoning ship way too soon and the small group I'm in will probably take it personally. I fear that I'd get a ton of anger/unhappiness directed my way for the entirety of my two weeks notice, and possibly a good amount of "are you serious? how could you do this to us?" So that's kind of a reason for me to decline this offer and stay where I am. I just don't feel comfortable making those kind of waves... Plus my therapist pointed out that I'm scared to go from the frying pan into the fire. I at least have a good sense of what my current situation is like and I know that it won't change.
So I have another therapist appointment tomorrow which is unbelievably lucky because my first thought after getting this offer was OH GOD I NEED TO TALK TO MY THERAPIST ABOUT THIS.
but I have to figure out some kind of decision on this by tomorrow evening. Has anyone navigated a job offer or career type things while also suffering through depression and anxiety and a huge dose of impostor syndrome? I'd be a fool not to take this job but I really don't know if I can actually do it. Plus it turns out that I might be starting a medication during the week that would essentially be my first week at the new job if I gave my two weeks notice this week. Plus plus I would have to break it to my very close knit current workplace and just having to do that alone is almost a dealbreaker. oh jeez. Does anyone have any wisdom or suggestions on how I can make this decision when I'm feeling so low?
TL,DR: I'm going through huge anxiety/depressions right now; I got this job offer that pays more than I'm making now but the environment is very social and different and possibly very fast moving/pressured, and I'm really nervous and intimidated and also feel guilty about potentially ditching my current job and yet I have to make this decision fast. Have you done this/do you have any advice/how do I make this call when I'm feeling so mentally shitty?
thanks for reading and thanks in advance...