I wish you wouldn't have done that
January 13, 2012 2:27 AM Subscribe
The love of my life killed herself last July. Months later I still don't know what to do.
posted by EatTheWeak to human relations (35 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
(NOTE: Please don't talk to me about therapy. I've been in and out of goddamn therapy since 4th grade and I can't afford it now in the first place. No, seriously, I really can't. If I could be in therapy right now, I would be but it is absolutely not an option right now. Seriously.)
I think I need to admit that it's been freefall since midsummer, that I've had a murky idea at best of the point in living for months and months now. When 2009 became 2010 I thought I'd been in love before but then I met Corinne, who was broken as I was but also beautiful and amazing and possessed of a poetic vision gift that an English major like myself comes to believe will occur only once in a very fortunate generation. We had something brief and unbelievably intense that neither one of us could define or walk away from. Every attempt we made to make it work failed and for a long time that didn't stop us trying, but in time it became too painful to keep smashing into the mountain. I told her I loved her too much to be in her life halfway anymore, that I had to walk away.
Almost a year later. she made contact with me, asked if we could be in each other's lives again. I said yes, said I wanted to catch up and maybe hang out again, but reserved the right to back out if it proved to be a bad idea. We talked a little but I was still so raw from how much it hurt to give up on loving her so I was cautious about being in too much contact with her and kinda hung back, even though she told me that she was in the depths of despair and couldn't hear music or taste food anymore. A week after that exchange, her brother called me up and said she had taken her own life, that he was sure she would have wanted me to know.
I've been off ever since. I'm not sure what the route to Normal Again is even gonna look like but it's really breaking me down to be out here like this, Lonely and not even sure what Not Loney could possibly look like when the woman I loved like none other is gone forever no matter what I do. So I'm calling on AskMe because I'm literally not sure what the hell I should do, what to do next, how to love or hope or want for anything when a woman more amazing than I ever could have dared to hope for entered my life for just a little while then went away forever. Did you endure something like this? Did you move past it? Where did you start? I haven't the slightest goddamn clue where to even start.
My life has been hovering in a holding pattern ever since Corinne killed herself. There's no way to explain to you how much I loved her, how much she meant to me -- you're just gonna hafta take my word for it. What I need to know is how you keep living when someone worlds more amazing than anything you'd ever thought of living for is gone forever. I feel like such scum for not getting over my selfish, petty hurt when she reached out to me last summer, when she told me she didn't see the point in living and I told her I needed to think about what we were gonna be to each other if we couldn't be lovers. I feel like such scum for being so selfish, like I could have saved her if I'd been less cowardly. I know this is folly but in the small hours of the night, logic does nothing to drive these thoughts away. And on nights like this, nights where all the amazing opportunity in my life and wonderful friends I've got around me should be sending me to bed content and joyful, how Corinne is missing it all and how desperate I am to hold her tonight is still about all I can think of.
And I'm so lonely now and I feel like such a piece of shit for not wanting to be lonely, for wanting to be with someone else and every now and then it kills me all over again to recall that she reached out to me this summer, desperate and I couldn't hear what she was trying to tell me. Nothing I ever do will ever change how I failed her, no matter what.
I don't know if I can have a future with this in my past. I don't know what the hell I should do. I haven't even the slightest goddamn clue. Do you?