Please give me your tips for how you approach the issue of money in a marriage.
January 2, 2012 9:52 AM Subscribe
Please give me your tips for how you approach the issue of money in a marriage.
Specifics: We've been married less than a year. I make much, much more than her. I've been financially supporting her since before we were married. On the one hand, I don't want money to be something that causes friction for us. But on the other hand, I do sometimes feel like she spends it too freely and doesn't "understand the value of a dollar," to put it in incredibly cliché terms that make me sound like a jerk from the 50's. I'm assuming the solution is ultimately "communication," but I'd love to hear more specifics about how you married folks out there deal with money, what works for you, etc, especially in cases where one person greatly outearns the other. Thanks.
Specifics: We've been married less than a year. I make much, much more than her. I've been financially supporting her since before we were married. On the one hand, I don't want money to be something that causes friction for us. But on the other hand, I do sometimes feel like she spends it too freely and doesn't "understand the value of a dollar," to put it in incredibly cliché terms that make me sound like a jerk from the 50's. I'm assuming the solution is ultimately "communication," but I'd love to hear more specifics about how you married folks out there deal with money, what works for you, etc, especially in cases where one person greatly outearns the other. Thanks.
I'm not married, but I was having a conversation with a married couple in similar circumstances the other day who were in the exact same situation early in their marriage - she was a stay at home mom, he earned all the money. Arguments ensued.
The number one thing they did that helped was to put her in charge of watching the bank account and paying all of the bills. Spreading out the financial responsibilities that way got rid of a lot of the disagreement about the financial realities.
They still argue about money, of course, and she still wants to spend more than he does because he is more paranoid about financial security than she is. They no longer misunderstand each other on inflows and outflows, though, which is a decent improvement on the situation.
posted by billjings at 10:08 AM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
The number one thing they did that helped was to put her in charge of watching the bank account and paying all of the bills. Spreading out the financial responsibilities that way got rid of a lot of the disagreement about the financial realities.
They still argue about money, of course, and she still wants to spend more than he does because he is more paranoid about financial security than she is. They no longer misunderstand each other on inflows and outflows, though, which is a decent improvement on the situation.
posted by billjings at 10:08 AM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
We keep separate checking accounts, because I freak out about money. :P
We don't split the bills 50/50 - Mr. Needlegrrl makes more than I do, so he pays more of the bills. We prefer to split bill payment by he pays this bill, I pay this one, rather than keeping a running total.
It helps that after we got together I became really interested in budgeting and dealing with my own finances, after a couple of close calls.
Do you have a budget? Who does it? on preview, what bitter girl said.
I would definitely sit down and go over everything together - talk about goals (or talk about talking about goals - she may need time to prepare!), and then go over it all together. She may spend too freely because she doesn't have the same set of shared goals that you do!
posted by needlegrrl at 10:13 AM on January 2, 2012
We don't split the bills 50/50 - Mr. Needlegrrl makes more than I do, so he pays more of the bills. We prefer to split bill payment by he pays this bill, I pay this one, rather than keeping a running total.
It helps that after we got together I became really interested in budgeting and dealing with my own finances, after a couple of close calls.
Do you have a budget? Who does it? on preview, what bitter girl said.
I would definitely sit down and go over everything together - talk about goals (or talk about talking about goals - she may need time to prepare!), and then go over it all together. She may spend too freely because she doesn't have the same set of shared goals that you do!
posted by needlegrrl at 10:13 AM on January 2, 2012
I'm assuming the solution is ultimately "communication," but I'd love to hear more specifics about how you married folks out there deal with money, what works for you, etc, especially in cases where one person greatly outearns the other. Thanks.
This is one of those rare marriage issues where the answer is not communication, but budget. You are a household; you should have a household budget. This covers mortgage, insurance, retirement, cars, petrol, bills, debt paydown and servicing, groceries, clothing, gifts and vacations. If you are early in your married life, one very good way to begin to tackle this is with an independent financial planner, who can help you to articulate and budget for Big Goals, and will require you to make a budget to meet them. You will then need to communicate about that budget but the 3rd party intervention beats the pants off free form marriage disputes.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:17 AM on January 2, 2012 [9 favorites]
This is one of those rare marriage issues where the answer is not communication, but budget. You are a household; you should have a household budget. This covers mortgage, insurance, retirement, cars, petrol, bills, debt paydown and servicing, groceries, clothing, gifts and vacations. If you are early in your married life, one very good way to begin to tackle this is with an independent financial planner, who can help you to articulate and budget for Big Goals, and will require you to make a budget to meet them. You will then need to communicate about that budget but the 3rd party intervention beats the pants off free form marriage disputes.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:17 AM on January 2, 2012 [9 favorites]
My husband makes more than me, but not by a huge amount. I sat down and figured out what percentage of our income comes from him, and what percentage from me, and then I added up all of our average bill amounts, and figured out how much we should set aside on each paycheck for bills, and then I calculated up how much of that money should come from him and how much from me, based on our percentages of income. So every time we get paid, we transfer set amounts into the joint account, which goes toward paying all the bills, and then whatever is leftover in our individual accounts goes to groceries and gas and whatever else we need, and we communicate very well at that point about who can afford to pay for what.
posted by agress at 10:17 AM on January 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by agress at 10:17 AM on January 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
My spouse and I fight about everything. We're one of those naturally fight-y couples. We don't fight about money, though and haven't in our 10 year relationship. This is what we do. This is not the answer for everyone, but works to keep our money fights at bay:
1. Separate bank accounts.
2. I make considerably more than my spouse, so bills are split accordingly (I pay 70%, he pays 30%). If our incomes change, so do the percentages.
3. Groceries/entertainment are split down the middle. He's more conservative with money, so I often end up paying for restaurant dinners or entertainment because I want to go out and he'd rather save money. That's fine with me and my choice.
4. We keep a running tally on a Google Doc of joint expenses. If we're splitting a restaurant check and the bill was $30, I add a -15 to to the sheet, which means my spouse owes me 15. If he paid and I owed him, he would put a 15. If the sheet is in negative, he owes me at the end of the month. If it's in positive, I owe him. I pay all the bills, so he pays me his share from the sheet at the end of the month.
We keep our own personal budgets and savings. This seems complicated and cold to people when we explain it, like we run a business instead of a marriage. But once we established that we love each other dearly and that this is just a practical way to keep track without combining finances, we truly never fought about money. We're not picky about the sheet - we treat each other, we don't put tiny things on there, etc.
If you have a set-in-concrete system, then you're able to avoid some of the disparities with how you spend money. However, I understand how difficult this can be once you've already established a method, and how your spouse might feel like you're chiding her/being parental. I think if you frame it in a way that focuses on your wants - "I want to get organized, I want to figure out the best way to spend money this month, please indulge my neuroses," etc., then she may feel more open to the idea and less like you're attacking her for her spending (which it sounds like you want to avoid).
Good luck!
posted by Laura Macbeth at 10:25 AM on January 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
1. Separate bank accounts.
2. I make considerably more than my spouse, so bills are split accordingly (I pay 70%, he pays 30%). If our incomes change, so do the percentages.
3. Groceries/entertainment are split down the middle. He's more conservative with money, so I often end up paying for restaurant dinners or entertainment because I want to go out and he'd rather save money. That's fine with me and my choice.
4. We keep a running tally on a Google Doc of joint expenses. If we're splitting a restaurant check and the bill was $30, I add a -15 to to the sheet, which means my spouse owes me 15. If he paid and I owed him, he would put a 15. If the sheet is in negative, he owes me at the end of the month. If it's in positive, I owe him. I pay all the bills, so he pays me his share from the sheet at the end of the month.
We keep our own personal budgets and savings. This seems complicated and cold to people when we explain it, like we run a business instead of a marriage. But once we established that we love each other dearly and that this is just a practical way to keep track without combining finances, we truly never fought about money. We're not picky about the sheet - we treat each other, we don't put tiny things on there, etc.
If you have a set-in-concrete system, then you're able to avoid some of the disparities with how you spend money. However, I understand how difficult this can be once you've already established a method, and how your spouse might feel like you're chiding her/being parental. I think if you frame it in a way that focuses on your wants - "I want to get organized, I want to figure out the best way to spend money this month, please indulge my neuroses," etc., then she may feel more open to the idea and less like you're attacking her for her spending (which it sounds like you want to avoid).
Good luck!
posted by Laura Macbeth at 10:25 AM on January 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
Oh, and we're thinking of switching to agress's method this month - opening a joint account where we put a percentage of our income each month for expenses and just draw from that, while keeping the rest of the money separate. Less math/paperwork that way, though I prefer the spreadsheet because I'm a data nerd.
posted by Laura Macbeth at 10:29 AM on January 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Laura Macbeth at 10:29 AM on January 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think you need to figure out what your goals as a couple are--vacations? Debt-free? Kids?
I'd strongly urge you both to check out some money management system--Dave Ramsey (yes, there's a religious element, but I found it easy to ignore), Suze Orman, or some other one. Figure out how to talk about money without getting all emotional. It doesn't matter whose name is on the check--what matters is how you as a team use these resources.
Each partner needs an amount of mad money that he/she can spend without having to justify it to the other person.
posted by Ideefixe at 11:06 AM on January 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'd strongly urge you both to check out some money management system--Dave Ramsey (yes, there's a religious element, but I found it easy to ignore), Suze Orman, or some other one. Figure out how to talk about money without getting all emotional. It doesn't matter whose name is on the check--what matters is how you as a team use these resources.
Each partner needs an amount of mad money that he/she can spend without having to justify it to the other person.
posted by Ideefixe at 11:06 AM on January 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
Communication could also help but more as a side note.
Clearly budget review is necessary. but mostly, you guys need to talk about where you stand money wise, and the long term. You feel she is spending money too freely. I t could well be because like many people she has no idea of what a budget is/ how to run money/ and what savings can bring to your life.
By that i mean: do you guys have similar financial goals. I am guessing that you might be more frugal but often time it is because you have something in mind:
financial security yes, but sometimes it also means owning your house etc..
She probably will get that and be on board a lot more if your money considerations are translated into goals or actual situations that she can graps.
You guys are married, if there is strain on the marriage because of money then definitely have seperate accounts. I personnaly would go more the way of everything in one account but monthly allowance for each of the separate checking, because it feels like you'd be working together more, rather than the everything separate and then contribute to the marital account.
At some point, you will need to have a common understanding of what you are trying to accomplish together financially and elsewhere. Being married and sharing expenses also means that you both have a say in eahc other's spending (to a limit you will need to define). That is just how i see it.
posted by kirikara at 11:11 AM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Clearly budget review is necessary. but mostly, you guys need to talk about where you stand money wise, and the long term. You feel she is spending money too freely. I t could well be because like many people she has no idea of what a budget is/ how to run money/ and what savings can bring to your life.
By that i mean: do you guys have similar financial goals. I am guessing that you might be more frugal but often time it is because you have something in mind:
financial security yes, but sometimes it also means owning your house etc..
She probably will get that and be on board a lot more if your money considerations are translated into goals or actual situations that she can graps.
You guys are married, if there is strain on the marriage because of money then definitely have seperate accounts. I personnaly would go more the way of everything in one account but monthly allowance for each of the separate checking, because it feels like you'd be working together more, rather than the everything separate and then contribute to the marital account.
At some point, you will need to have a common understanding of what you are trying to accomplish together financially and elsewhere. Being married and sharing expenses also means that you both have a say in eahc other's spending (to a limit you will need to define). That is just how i see it.
posted by kirikara at 11:11 AM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
> The number one thing they did that helped was to put her in charge of watching the bank account and paying all of the bills.
This is what we do (I currently earn all our money), and it works for us.
posted by languagehat at 11:14 AM on January 2, 2012
This is what we do (I currently earn all our money), and it works for us.
posted by languagehat at 11:14 AM on January 2, 2012
The number one thing they did that helped was to put her in charge of watching the bank account and paying all of the bills.
My aunt & uncle did this for about a year, until he found out she hadn't been paying the bills at all and had run up massive credit card debt. It might work with different personalities, but if money is already an issue, it seems like a bad idea to make one person responsible for keeping track of it.
I agree wholeheartedly with Laura MacBeth - split it all up, and limit what gets shared.
posted by coolguymichael at 11:14 AM on January 2, 2012
My aunt & uncle did this for about a year, until he found out she hadn't been paying the bills at all and had run up massive credit card debt. It might work with different personalities, but if money is already an issue, it seems like a bad idea to make one person responsible for keeping track of it.
I agree wholeheartedly with Laura MacBeth - split it all up, and limit what gets shared.
posted by coolguymichael at 11:14 AM on January 2, 2012
My husband earns way more than I do, I gave up a well paying job to move to be with him and for the first year of marriage things were very strained what helped was sitting down together and setting up a budget so we both knew where all the money was going.
We budgeted for everything, eating out, date nights the works but most importantly we both got "pocket money", basically an amount of money each pay that was ours alone to spend as we liked with no justification to the other partner. We keep it the same amount each to be fair He buys video games and I get to buy clothes and not neither one of us is bitching at the other for "wasting" our money. Also having a budget helped us because if we couldn't do something it wasn't my fault for wanting to watch the money it was the budgets fault and we could do it next pay or when we had saved up for it, because it was budgeted for.
Having said that we have all our money combined in joint bank accounts and think of the money in it as our "team" money. My job is to budget it so we get the most bang for our buck and to help our goals get met and that way I don't feel out of control because I don't earn as much as him, other people work better with separate accounts and split bills, it can take some negotiating and renegotiating to work out what works and what doesn't but it has to be both of you deciding together and not you telling her (or visa versa) how it is going to be.
We found the budgeting and joint goals actually made us feel closer and made it feel less of a burden to do without things to get the things we really want as we are both on the same page.
posted by wwax at 11:23 AM on January 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
We budgeted for everything, eating out, date nights the works but most importantly we both got "pocket money", basically an amount of money each pay that was ours alone to spend as we liked with no justification to the other partner. We keep it the same amount each to be fair He buys video games and I get to buy clothes and not neither one of us is bitching at the other for "wasting" our money. Also having a budget helped us because if we couldn't do something it wasn't my fault for wanting to watch the money it was the budgets fault and we could do it next pay or when we had saved up for it, because it was budgeted for.
Having said that we have all our money combined in joint bank accounts and think of the money in it as our "team" money. My job is to budget it so we get the most bang for our buck and to help our goals get met and that way I don't feel out of control because I don't earn as much as him, other people work better with separate accounts and split bills, it can take some negotiating and renegotiating to work out what works and what doesn't but it has to be both of you deciding together and not you telling her (or visa versa) how it is going to be.
We found the budgeting and joint goals actually made us feel closer and made it feel less of a burden to do without things to get the things we really want as we are both on the same page.
posted by wwax at 11:23 AM on January 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
When I was working, my husband made 2 to 3 times what I did. This translated into him paying a larger portion of our bills. We have a joint account and each have our own account as well. We would each transfer (different amounts of) funds into the joint account on paydays and the rest we would have to spend ourselves. I credit my husband for this working. I like to spend money on myself, but he spends almost nothing on himself. In fact, if he had been spending as much on himself as I was, we would have been in trouble. This does not bother him. It blows me away, because I would be jealous if he were spending more on himself than I were.
Now that I've been taking care of our daughter and have no income at all, I get a modest allowance. My husband doesn't - it's because he won't spend money on himself anyways. I have less of a desire to spend money on myself - kids just seems to put things into perspective.
I don't know what she likes to spend money on, but do keep in mind that the cost of even modest personal grooming and clothing is almost always much higher for women than for men.
posted by kitcat at 11:24 AM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Now that I've been taking care of our daughter and have no income at all, I get a modest allowance. My husband doesn't - it's because he won't spend money on himself anyways. I have less of a desire to spend money on myself - kids just seems to put things into perspective.
I don't know what she likes to spend money on, but do keep in mind that the cost of even modest personal grooming and clothing is almost always much higher for women than for men.
posted by kitcat at 11:24 AM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
General Answer:
So there seem to be basically 2 commonly-accepted "good" ways to arrange money matters in a marriage. "Good" as in people know what is going on as opposed to "bad" in which money just flows every which way and nothing gets paid on time.
The first is that all the income gets put into a joint account. From that joint account, the most responsible/organized member of the relationship makes sure bills are paid, savings are accumulated, etc. according to an overall plan agreed on by everyone.
The second is that both incomes are put into individual accounts, with bill either being paid jointly from a third, shared account or paid individually by the person who generated the bill.
The second way is so bizarre to me as to defy understanding, but it works for a whole lot of couples as you can see above.
However, the key to both methods, as for just about everything in a marriage, is communication.
Both parties need to be on the same page in terms of:
Long-range goals.
Short-range goals.
Monthly budgeting.
Who is responsible for making sure the bill actually gets paid.
What happens when the bill doesn't get paid.
Where the money actually is, account numbers, retirement accounts, under-the-mattress stash.
--
Specific Answer:
My spouse makes far more than me (and likely far more than I ever will).
I know this, she knows this, and honestly, no one cares.
It doesn't come up on a daily or even yearly basis and there is no reason it should.
We use the first method above, where we have "our" house and "our" car and "our"vacation, etc. Since there is no individual accounting of percentages of who paid what share, there is no reason for the disparity in our incomes to be a regular topic of conversation.
In our particular case, we're mostly on the same page as far as spending habits, but if you've got a spouse who is more profligate than you, then you need to set up a budget, not just for her, but for the household.
Don't make it a "you spend too much" budget, make it a "we need to plan for retirement/living expenses/emergency fund" budget:
"Hey, honey, as part of the new year, we should make a yearly budget. Here are our expenses, which we need to cover first. Then we need to do future planning. Finally, we have this money left over for fun. Personally, I think we should save a little more, but what do you think?"
Making it a conversation about "the budget" avoids a lot of the baggage and judgement and makes it about the money.
If you think it's going to go not so well, consider enlisting an outside party, a fee-based financial planner, for example. They can look at the numbers dispassionately and show you exactly where the problem areas are.
posted by madajb at 11:29 AM on January 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
So there seem to be basically 2 commonly-accepted "good" ways to arrange money matters in a marriage. "Good" as in people know what is going on as opposed to "bad" in which money just flows every which way and nothing gets paid on time.
The first is that all the income gets put into a joint account. From that joint account, the most responsible/organized member of the relationship makes sure bills are paid, savings are accumulated, etc. according to an overall plan agreed on by everyone.
The second is that both incomes are put into individual accounts, with bill either being paid jointly from a third, shared account or paid individually by the person who generated the bill.
The second way is so bizarre to me as to defy understanding, but it works for a whole lot of couples as you can see above.
However, the key to both methods, as for just about everything in a marriage, is communication.
Both parties need to be on the same page in terms of:
Long-range goals.
Short-range goals.
Monthly budgeting.
Who is responsible for making sure the bill actually gets paid.
What happens when the bill doesn't get paid.
Where the money actually is, account numbers, retirement accounts, under-the-mattress stash.
--
Specific Answer:
My spouse makes far more than me (and likely far more than I ever will).
I know this, she knows this, and honestly, no one cares.
It doesn't come up on a daily or even yearly basis and there is no reason it should.
We use the first method above, where we have "our" house and "our" car and "our"vacation, etc. Since there is no individual accounting of percentages of who paid what share, there is no reason for the disparity in our incomes to be a regular topic of conversation.
In our particular case, we're mostly on the same page as far as spending habits, but if you've got a spouse who is more profligate than you, then you need to set up a budget, not just for her, but for the household.
Don't make it a "you spend too much" budget, make it a "we need to plan for retirement/living expenses/emergency fund" budget:
"Hey, honey, as part of the new year, we should make a yearly budget. Here are our expenses, which we need to cover first. Then we need to do future planning. Finally, we have this money left over for fun. Personally, I think we should save a little more, but what do you think?"
Making it a conversation about "the budget" avoids a lot of the baggage and judgement and makes it about the money.
If you think it's going to go not so well, consider enlisting an outside party, a fee-based financial planner, for example. They can look at the numbers dispassionately and show you exactly where the problem areas are.
posted by madajb at 11:29 AM on January 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
nthing separate accounts. That's what my wife and I do, and although it sounds unromantic and roommate-y, I think it's pre-empted a million little arguments. Any two people, no matter how much they like each other, are going to have different financial priorities. I knew that if she spent $300 on shoes, I'd be inwardly resentful, and vice versa for me buying video games and whatnot. Separate accounts while splitting the shared stuff allows both of us to indulge our own priorities without the other feeling taken advantage of.
When we set this up, what I said to my wife was: if you ever want money, I'll give you some. You never need to feel anxious about being able to pay your bills. But I wanted her to at least ask me, rather than having a pool of money she can always draw from. I figured the act of making the request, of saying it out loud, makes you more aware of your spending habits. YMMV.
posted by molybdenum at 12:16 PM on January 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
When we set this up, what I said to my wife was: if you ever want money, I'll give you some. You never need to feel anxious about being able to pay your bills. But I wanted her to at least ask me, rather than having a pool of money she can always draw from. I figured the act of making the request, of saying it out loud, makes you more aware of your spending habits. YMMV.
posted by molybdenum at 12:16 PM on January 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
I make more than my husband, I also spend more. We use the his, mine, and ours method where we each put $x a month into our own accounts for spending money (in my case, clothes, makeup, lunches out, going out with my friends, gifts, etc...) and put the rest into our joint account for joint money (rent, joint bills, groceries, dinner out, etc...). We also have his, mine, and ours credit cards for the same purposes.
posted by echo0720 at 12:29 PM on January 2, 2012
posted by echo0720 at 12:29 PM on January 2, 2012
We use the Suze Orman method, which I guess is the same as Agress' method above. Figure out what percentage of total income each person earns, then that person pays that percentage of the bills, ie if I earn 60% of our total income, I pay 60% of the regular bills.
Next, we divide whatever we have left in half; half goes to our joint savings, the other half is ours individually in separate accounts. We each have personal, individual financial goals on top of our joint goals, so save money from our individual accounts accordingly, and buy our personal "me" stuff from our own accounts. If something comes up that we didn't budget for, we each contribute from our separate accounts. It works well for us.
posted by vignettist at 12:38 PM on January 2, 2012
Next, we divide whatever we have left in half; half goes to our joint savings, the other half is ours individually in separate accounts. We each have personal, individual financial goals on top of our joint goals, so save money from our individual accounts accordingly, and buy our personal "me" stuff from our own accounts. If something comes up that we didn't budget for, we each contribute from our separate accounts. It works well for us.
posted by vignettist at 12:38 PM on January 2, 2012
Is she spending from her own money? Is her money her own discretionary income and you guys could easily live on your money if she lost her job?
She probably spends freely because you guys seem pretty comfortable or she may believe her money is discretionary (because a lot of men like the idea of "taking care" of their family on their own income and derive pride from it and tell their wife that whatever money she makes is her own money to spend).
Are you mainly irritated with what you perceive her "attitude" is or the actual stuff she buys? Women's clothing, shoes, beauty services and stuff do cost more money, and professional women have to maintain themselves, even if they aren't a fashion editor at a glossy magazine. People judge a woman by how they look and dress.
Do you have tangible goals you are trying to save for, or are you just resentful that you work hard/make more money than she does and she seems to be taking it easy?
posted by anniecat at 12:40 PM on January 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
She probably spends freely because you guys seem pretty comfortable or she may believe her money is discretionary (because a lot of men like the idea of "taking care" of their family on their own income and derive pride from it and tell their wife that whatever money she makes is her own money to spend).
Are you mainly irritated with what you perceive her "attitude" is or the actual stuff she buys? Women's clothing, shoes, beauty services and stuff do cost more money, and professional women have to maintain themselves, even if they aren't a fashion editor at a glossy magazine. People judge a woman by how they look and dress.
Do you have tangible goals you are trying to save for, or are you just resentful that you work hard/make more money than she does and she seems to be taking it easy?
posted by anniecat at 12:40 PM on January 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
FWIW, my husband makes a lot more than I do. I tend to splurge now and again on things I want, but I think he knows I'm a cheapskate and won't spend more than I absolutely have to. I used to judge his spending habits, but I came to a real understanding that we all need our financial space to spend on things we like.
You really can't change anybody, and making someone feel bad about themselves is how you get them to hide stuff from you. That can be disastrous. The best you can do is say, "I feel worried about money and our financial security and I'm scared of losing my job." You could even talk more about retirement stuff, and say, I don't want to work until I'm 88, let's make sure that never has to be the case.
posted by anniecat at 12:48 PM on January 2, 2012
You really can't change anybody, and making someone feel bad about themselves is how you get them to hide stuff from you. That can be disastrous. The best you can do is say, "I feel worried about money and our financial security and I'm scared of losing my job." You could even talk more about retirement stuff, and say, I don't want to work until I'm 88, let's make sure that never has to be the case.
posted by anniecat at 12:48 PM on January 2, 2012
We have a rule that if the other person wants to buy something over X amount of dollars, we check with each other and discuss first. I don't ask my husband's permission to buy a magazine, for instance (although I did have that happen before). Rent and utilities get paid first.
But for instance, I wanted a new pair of winter boots. Some really good quality boots that might cost over $100. So we went boot shopping together. I had been on my own and could have easily bought anything I wanted and he wouldn't have cared. We just happened to have a free weekend and he offered to take me to the shoe outlets. I found a pair that were good but not quite right and then saw some funky colored Mucks. They happened to be kids' boots, but they could order them in my size (I guess kids can have some big feet!). They were also 1/2 the cost of adult Mucks. Everyone was happy.
To ride onto anniecat's comment, I am a cheapskate also, from being poor at times, I love nice things but I never get the "hey wtf you went to MCDONALD'S OMG it's so expensive!!" that I got from my first husband. Everyone has their level of comfort. I'd say sit down and ask if she is willing to agree to a budget for her splurges and then you will agree to never comment on them, even if it's an Easter bunny dressed like Miley Cyrus. It's called negotiation, and we do it all time. I'll fold the laundry if you scoop the kitty litter. I'll cook if you chop. Etc. You can do it!
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 12:54 PM on January 2, 2012
But for instance, I wanted a new pair of winter boots. Some really good quality boots that might cost over $100. So we went boot shopping together. I had been on my own and could have easily bought anything I wanted and he wouldn't have cared. We just happened to have a free weekend and he offered to take me to the shoe outlets. I found a pair that were good but not quite right and then saw some funky colored Mucks. They happened to be kids' boots, but they could order them in my size (I guess kids can have some big feet!). They were also 1/2 the cost of adult Mucks. Everyone was happy.
To ride onto anniecat's comment, I am a cheapskate also, from being poor at times, I love nice things but I never get the "hey wtf you went to MCDONALD'S OMG it's so expensive!!" that I got from my first husband. Everyone has their level of comfort. I'd say sit down and ask if she is willing to agree to a budget for her splurges and then you will agree to never comment on them, even if it's an Easter bunny dressed like Miley Cyrus. It's called negotiation, and we do it all time. I'll fold the laundry if you scoop the kitty litter. I'll cook if you chop. Etc. You can do it!
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 12:54 PM on January 2, 2012
When we set this up, what I said to my wife was: if you ever want money, I'll give you some. You never need to feel anxious about being able to pay your bills. But I wanted her to at least ask me, rather than having a pool of money she can always draw from.
This approach would drive me nuts. I've always been budget-conscious, never one to run up debt, and I stayed home with the kids while my spouse worked. If I did want to buy something for myself and had to ask him for permission, I'd feel like a child myself.
In fact, I STILL often feel bad about spending anything on myself, because I put their needs above mine.
Fortunately, my husband recognizes this in me, and encourages me to indulge every once in a while, and I do the same for him, as he is prone to work hard and neglect himself sometimes, too. He's been very clear about his mindset: "It's OUR money, we're a team, and we both contribute equally in our own ways; I'm just the one who gets paid for my work. So: we share."
We never even considered separate accounts because we just see ourselves as a team, and we both want what works for the team, so we budget for that with one joint account.
We always talk out major purchases--the cars, our house when we built it, etc. It's good to play devil's advocate and to research the pros and cons of big-ticket items. But we don't sweat the day-to-day stuff because neither of us has expensive, designer tastes.
Having spent our years living frugally and waiting until we could actually afford the big purchases, because that was best for the team and we knew we were both in it for the long run, we managed to pay off the mortgage and cars and build up a healthy savings account.
So, 22+ years later, we're fine paying for all the stuff (and it's a lot) that wasn't covered by the "100%" academic scholarship my oldest earned for college, we travel when he gets time off of work, and I'm encouraging my husband to get that sports car he wants. We're in a good place.
So my advice would be to make sure you are both on the same page NOW and working as a team for the FUTURE.
What bothers you about her spending? Was she in debt when you got married? Does she buy stuff she never uses? If not, maybe you need to lighten up on her spending.
Does she feel like you are being a bit cheap, or that you make more than you do? If so, you need to explain how her spending is worrisome to you, the more frugal partner.
Then the two of you need to set up a budget you can BOTH live with, one that isn't so restrictive she feels trapped, or so extravagant you feel anxious. We do it with a joint account and it works for us.
Honestly, the only couple I actually KNOW that has separate accounts, in which the wife stayed home and now works part-time and makes less than her husband, is just fraught with resentment; he feels free to play poker and go out drinking and she pinches every penny and frets over every purchase she has to make (and, for some reason, the kids' braces come out of her account, as did a lot of their furniture).
But other Mefites have found separate accounts work for them, and you might, too. Just make sure you have a plan for the FUTURE. Because when you (if you plan to) have children, if one spouse stays home with the kids, or if one of you gets laid off, or gets a raise, it changes the whole financial picture, and you need to have an idea of how you will handle that now, so you don't get blind-sided.
posted by misha at 12:54 PM on January 2, 2012 [17 favorites]
This approach would drive me nuts. I've always been budget-conscious, never one to run up debt, and I stayed home with the kids while my spouse worked. If I did want to buy something for myself and had to ask him for permission, I'd feel like a child myself.
In fact, I STILL often feel bad about spending anything on myself, because I put their needs above mine.
Fortunately, my husband recognizes this in me, and encourages me to indulge every once in a while, and I do the same for him, as he is prone to work hard and neglect himself sometimes, too. He's been very clear about his mindset: "It's OUR money, we're a team, and we both contribute equally in our own ways; I'm just the one who gets paid for my work. So: we share."
We never even considered separate accounts because we just see ourselves as a team, and we both want what works for the team, so we budget for that with one joint account.
We always talk out major purchases--the cars, our house when we built it, etc. It's good to play devil's advocate and to research the pros and cons of big-ticket items. But we don't sweat the day-to-day stuff because neither of us has expensive, designer tastes.
Having spent our years living frugally and waiting until we could actually afford the big purchases, because that was best for the team and we knew we were both in it for the long run, we managed to pay off the mortgage and cars and build up a healthy savings account.
So, 22+ years later, we're fine paying for all the stuff (and it's a lot) that wasn't covered by the "100%" academic scholarship my oldest earned for college, we travel when he gets time off of work, and I'm encouraging my husband to get that sports car he wants. We're in a good place.
So my advice would be to make sure you are both on the same page NOW and working as a team for the FUTURE.
What bothers you about her spending? Was she in debt when you got married? Does she buy stuff she never uses? If not, maybe you need to lighten up on her spending.
Does she feel like you are being a bit cheap, or that you make more than you do? If so, you need to explain how her spending is worrisome to you, the more frugal partner.
Then the two of you need to set up a budget you can BOTH live with, one that isn't so restrictive she feels trapped, or so extravagant you feel anxious. We do it with a joint account and it works for us.
Honestly, the only couple I actually KNOW that has separate accounts, in which the wife stayed home and now works part-time and makes less than her husband, is just fraught with resentment; he feels free to play poker and go out drinking and she pinches every penny and frets over every purchase she has to make (and, for some reason, the kids' braces come out of her account, as did a lot of their furniture).
But other Mefites have found separate accounts work for them, and you might, too. Just make sure you have a plan for the FUTURE. Because when you (if you plan to) have children, if one spouse stays home with the kids, or if one of you gets laid off, or gets a raise, it changes the whole financial picture, and you need to have an idea of how you will handle that now, so you don't get blind-sided.
posted by misha at 12:54 PM on January 2, 2012 [17 favorites]
Lots of couples combine all accounts, and that's great for them. But my husband and I think about and handle money differently, and both came to the agreement many years ago that we'd plan together but keep separate accounts.
Initially, we split expenses on an income-proportionate basis out of our separate bank accounts. So I'd pay 42.5% of the mortgage bill, he'd pay 57.5%, since he makes 57.5% of our combined household income. The problem with this system was that he always had more free cash flow than I did, and over time it came to seem unfair to me.
Now we split free cash flow 50-50, and have a spreadsheet that divvies up bills accordingly. I like this system a lot, in part because it makes it easier for us to build savings into our plans.
Here's a hypothetical breakdown:
Let's say I make $1,000 this month and he makes $1,500, we've agree to save $200 per month, and our remaining expenses are $1,000. That means we each get $650 to do with as we please, and I pay $350 towards bills/mutual savings, while he pays $850. I can choose to go nuts and spend all $650 of my free cash flow on eating out, getting manicures, buying clothes, etc. Or I can be frugal and hold on to it, perhaps to put toward some future splurge. Either way, it's completely up to me. Likewise, my husband's use of his money is completely up to him. But we're both happy, because we have put an agreed-to amount of money into our combined savings account, and we both feel free to do with not-savings as we please.
We have a joint credit card that we pay off each month for all mutual expenses and not-fun stuff that we agree to pay for together -- groceries, eating out, gas, car repairs, etc. So the credit card is one of the expenses that we pay together. My student loans also count as a not-fun mutual expense, and thus are shared rather than coming out of our 50-50 free cash flow split.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 12:55 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Initially, we split expenses on an income-proportionate basis out of our separate bank accounts. So I'd pay 42.5% of the mortgage bill, he'd pay 57.5%, since he makes 57.5% of our combined household income. The problem with this system was that he always had more free cash flow than I did, and over time it came to seem unfair to me.
Now we split free cash flow 50-50, and have a spreadsheet that divvies up bills accordingly. I like this system a lot, in part because it makes it easier for us to build savings into our plans.
Here's a hypothetical breakdown:
Let's say I make $1,000 this month and he makes $1,500, we've agree to save $200 per month, and our remaining expenses are $1,000. That means we each get $650 to do with as we please, and I pay $350 towards bills/mutual savings, while he pays $850. I can choose to go nuts and spend all $650 of my free cash flow on eating out, getting manicures, buying clothes, etc. Or I can be frugal and hold on to it, perhaps to put toward some future splurge. Either way, it's completely up to me. Likewise, my husband's use of his money is completely up to him. But we're both happy, because we have put an agreed-to amount of money into our combined savings account, and we both feel free to do with not-savings as we please.
We have a joint credit card that we pay off each month for all mutual expenses and not-fun stuff that we agree to pay for together -- groceries, eating out, gas, car repairs, etc. So the credit card is one of the expenses that we pay together. My student loans also count as a not-fun mutual expense, and thus are shared rather than coming out of our 50-50 free cash flow split.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 12:55 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
We solve our money issues the same way we solved our "what furniture goes where" issue, and our "whose family do we see on which holiday" issue and our "insert issue here" issue: we sat down and found a solution that we both thought was fair. In our case, I've never come close to contributing even half of the income, but that's o.k. because I do other things that help our standard of living. We've got a budget we stick to, and before one of us buys something other than a minor (as a percentage of our budget, with us it's a pretty low number) thing, we usually talk about it first. We also have our "fun money" that we get to blow on whatever, which is equal, because as I said, there's other things I contribute than money.
I may very well be misreading things, but I'm getting a serious paternal "I'm the money maker, so I get to decide things" vibe from your question. If that's the case, please consider everything else your wife contributes before moving on to my advice.
Sit down, and talk to her. Tell her your concerns, show her the numbers, and work out a plan together. Maybe she doesn't understand the value of your dollar because she doesn't know how many dollars you actually have, maybe she knows that but not how much her spending is total, maybe she's just REALLY REALLY REALLY bad with money. You've got tons of great ideas about how to structure things, but none of them work for everyone, and their working is dependent on both parties being o.k. with the system.
posted by Gygesringtone at 1:01 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
I may very well be misreading things, but I'm getting a serious paternal "I'm the money maker, so I get to decide things" vibe from your question. If that's the case, please consider everything else your wife contributes before moving on to my advice.
Sit down, and talk to her. Tell her your concerns, show her the numbers, and work out a plan together. Maybe she doesn't understand the value of your dollar because she doesn't know how many dollars you actually have, maybe she knows that but not how much her spending is total, maybe she's just REALLY REALLY REALLY bad with money. You've got tons of great ideas about how to structure things, but none of them work for everyone, and their working is dependent on both parties being o.k. with the system.
posted by Gygesringtone at 1:01 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Also, it just occurred to me that while my husband hates shopping and hates stores, he will fill in as my shopping buddy and stand patiently while I agonize over what color slippers to buy. A lot of shopping can be a dopamine high when it's done alone, but a great social thing when done with friends or your husband. I don't feel the need to fill that void when someone's with me. It helps that he compliments me a lot at random times and I respond with the same. It can sound corny but it really does help to say "thank you" to each other, and sets the stage for negotiating over the tough issues. And big hugs every morning. BIG.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 1:08 PM on January 2, 2012
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 1:08 PM on January 2, 2012
doesn't "understand the value of a dollar," to put it in incredibly cliché terms
There's an equal and opposite cliché you may have heard of: "to know the price of everything and the value of nothing." You don't mention much about your spending habits or hers: maybe she treats all income as disposable, or maybe you hold on to every dime with a death grip. Maybe both of you are somewhere in the middle. Point is, there's probably somewhere in the middle for you both to meet.
If she tends to be free with her purchases or considers shopping a fun way to pass the afternoon, it's going to take a lot of time for her to get out of that mindset. If you go to her with spreadsheets and pie charts and spending limits, and start asking her what she spent $8.50 on at Starbucks, she's going to feel like you're trying to police or parent her, and that's not a dynamic you want. It's likely both of you will adjust over time: she'll start to realize she's buying a lot and taper off, and you'll get more comfortable with the idea that she's not super-frugal.
I think yours/mine/ours approaches are the best, with most of the money going into a joint account for household purchases, and a little going into personal accounts. Money is like time and space: you'll be sharing a lot of it with your spouse, but each of you also needs a bit of your own.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:14 PM on January 2, 2012
There's an equal and opposite cliché you may have heard of: "to know the price of everything and the value of nothing." You don't mention much about your spending habits or hers: maybe she treats all income as disposable, or maybe you hold on to every dime with a death grip. Maybe both of you are somewhere in the middle. Point is, there's probably somewhere in the middle for you both to meet.
If she tends to be free with her purchases or considers shopping a fun way to pass the afternoon, it's going to take a lot of time for her to get out of that mindset. If you go to her with spreadsheets and pie charts and spending limits, and start asking her what she spent $8.50 on at Starbucks, she's going to feel like you're trying to police or parent her, and that's not a dynamic you want. It's likely both of you will adjust over time: she'll start to realize she's buying a lot and taper off, and you'll get more comfortable with the idea that she's not super-frugal.
I think yours/mine/ours approaches are the best, with most of the money going into a joint account for household purchases, and a little going into personal accounts. Money is like time and space: you'll be sharing a lot of it with your spouse, but each of you also needs a bit of your own.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:14 PM on January 2, 2012
My husband and I have been married a little over a year, and we do not fight about money. You're right that communication is a big part of it - a lot of the suggestions that have been given above don't include "just talk about it". Seriously - talk about it! My husband and I ask each other pretty much every day in one way or another, "what'd you spend?" This "report" isn't done to make anyone feel bad or be accountable, but it's about the business of our lives. We track all of our spending on a spreadsheet, so that's one way - probably the most frequent way - that it comes up.
We've been on the same page about money since we were dating and we have the same goals. We can trust each other not to sabotage those goals. When we were living together, we did the three account plan described above, and that worked pretty well, but as soon as we got married, we got rid of the "his" and "hers" accounts and we only have "ours". We pay bills together, every month. We watch our retirement savings together, even though they're in different accounts. We know the balance of each other's student loans and who has the highest interest rate. We can pretty accurately guess the amount of cash in each other's wallets at any given time.
This might sound time-consuming, but it's not. He created a fantastic spreadsheet that tracks and categorizes our spending along with acting as a checking account balancer (if you want it, memail me - I've been working on a blank one with instructions because a lot of people have asked us for it!). Once that was up and running, it takes five minutes TOPS every day to enter receipts, and another twenty minutes a month to update when we pay bills (one pays bills online or writes checks, the other enters numbers into the spreadsheet. DONE.). I usually do another thirty minutes a month of analysis and comparing the numbers to last month and last year, but that's because I'm interested and I can - and after I do so, I usually share my findings with him because again - we just talk about our money openly and frequently. We don't have a budget, because we're comfortable with what the numbers of the spreadsheet show us - if we feel like we overspent on a category, like eating out, we just try to rein it in a little the next month.
That got long winded, so to sum up: talk about money openly and frequently with your wife. Talk about the cost of things, as well as the value, as you perceive them, and listen to how she perceives them. And track your spending. :)
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 1:40 PM on January 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
We've been on the same page about money since we were dating and we have the same goals. We can trust each other not to sabotage those goals. When we were living together, we did the three account plan described above, and that worked pretty well, but as soon as we got married, we got rid of the "his" and "hers" accounts and we only have "ours". We pay bills together, every month. We watch our retirement savings together, even though they're in different accounts. We know the balance of each other's student loans and who has the highest interest rate. We can pretty accurately guess the amount of cash in each other's wallets at any given time.
This might sound time-consuming, but it's not. He created a fantastic spreadsheet that tracks and categorizes our spending along with acting as a checking account balancer (if you want it, memail me - I've been working on a blank one with instructions because a lot of people have asked us for it!). Once that was up and running, it takes five minutes TOPS every day to enter receipts, and another twenty minutes a month to update when we pay bills (one pays bills online or writes checks, the other enters numbers into the spreadsheet. DONE.). I usually do another thirty minutes a month of analysis and comparing the numbers to last month and last year, but that's because I'm interested and I can - and after I do so, I usually share my findings with him because again - we just talk about our money openly and frequently. We don't have a budget, because we're comfortable with what the numbers of the spreadsheet show us - if we feel like we overspent on a category, like eating out, we just try to rein it in a little the next month.
That got long winded, so to sum up: talk about money openly and frequently with your wife. Talk about the cost of things, as well as the value, as you perceive them, and listen to how she perceives them. And track your spending. :)
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 1:40 PM on January 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
We have a "house" account and our own accounts. Every bit of money that comes in goes to the house account and we draw a weekly allowance from the house to our own accounts. The house pays for everything we can both use/benefit from, and our allowances are for everything else. So the house pays for all food that comes in (groceries, but not restaurants), gas, bills, etc. Our allowance is used for personal items and non-essentials: clothes, eating out, craft supplies for me, beer for him, etc. If someone wants the house to pay for something, we both have to agree on it- even if it's something as small as him adding a beer to the grocery cart or me buying a new drill bit when we are at Home Depot for light bulbs. Making that promise to each other that we would discuss every purchase outside of our allowance has made us both more aware of where our money goes and has made us better about saving money.
posted by dogmom at 2:04 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by dogmom at 2:04 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
I make significantly more than my wife, at least for the time being. We have very similar financial goals and spending habits, so what works for us may not work for you. We track all of our accounts through mint.com. We have one checking account that serves as a clearing house: all income funnels into it, and all bills are paid from it. Discretionary spending, lunches, shopping, etc., is paid from separate credit cards, which we pay off monthly. When the clearing house account reaches a certain level, we scrape off the excess and dump it into high-yield (relatively) savings accounts that are earmarked for different goals. Right now they are "travel" and "new car," respectively. "New roof" will come next. This, combined with automatic savings plans for retirement, is all it takes to handle money in our house. We check via Mint every couple of months to make sure nothing is terribly out of whack spending-wise, but that's it.
posted by craven_morhead at 2:26 PM on January 2, 2012
posted by craven_morhead at 2:26 PM on January 2, 2012
In my house where one of us makes a lot more than the other, we have a budget of all household items (groceries, utilities, rent, childcare) and we equally contribute percentage of income to them.
Personal stuff like the football cable package or eyebrow wax? Totally on your own.
posted by k8t at 3:31 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Personal stuff like the football cable package or eyebrow wax? Totally on your own.
posted by k8t at 3:31 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
"much more ", "too freely" , are not the numbers , just your subjective opinion at the moment . Somehow your wife is supposed to figure what kind of mood and feelings you might have this time , every time she need or want to buy something .
Practically every time you are free to decide that it is "too much " , or " nothing , such a small sum , don't worry , darling" , or "How dare you to waste My money like water !!!!!! "
Figure out some kind of budget , and measure money using numbers .
And of course , all the nice smart advices people give you here .
posted by Oli D. at 5:32 PM on January 2, 2012
Practically every time you are free to decide that it is "too much " , or " nothing , such a small sum , don't worry , darling" , or "How dare you to waste My money like water !!!!!! "
Figure out some kind of budget , and measure money using numbers .
And of course , all the nice smart advices people give you here .
posted by Oli D. at 5:32 PM on January 2, 2012
You may find this Slate.com series on how married people manage their money by Jessica Grose interesting.
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:40 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:40 PM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm an ant. I married a grasshopper. The only thing that made money work at all was that we had a pre-nuptual agreement. His school loans were his, we both owned businesses, and they were non-marital property. I think it's a help to understand how the law looks at money in a marriage. No matter how you feel about it, in many states, everything is shared property, and in a divorce would be split. So, no matter who earns it, keep that in mind. Not because you expect to get divorced, but it's a reflection of how our culture operates.
Be honest about money. Agree to be honest about what things cost, about debt, and respect each others' goals and values. Have shared goals, and shared values, if you can. Maybe you want to save for college for kids you don't have yet. Maybe she's from a family where spending and debt is a way of life. Sit down and talk about it, and listen to what she has to say. I work hard, am frugal, shop carefully, and don't consume luxuries I can't pay for. I hate debt. I've missed quite a few concerts, trips, etc., because I felt I couldn't afford them. My now-ex spends what's in his pocket, has a terrible credit rating, but has a lot of fun.
Know what you have for expenses and assets, and know what you have for future expenses and assets. If you both have older cars, now's the time to start budgeting for replacing 1 of them. If you want to have children, you might want to take 1 child-free vacation before you start the life of family, or no- vacations. If you expect Aunt Gert(96 and still in good form) to leave you a tidy sum, the kids' college fund may not be such an issue. (or not, she may have invested unwisely.) Have a budget; understand where the money goes, and make sure the parts that are discretionary are really going towards what you both want.
In marriage, even if you earn more, or earn less, money should be something you share. Money's a tool to get stuff you need, not a way to control people. That's true on both sides. The person earning more gets a vote, and the person earning less gets a vote. It's not okay to assert your rights with "I make it, so I get to say" or assert your rights with "I vote by spending. Wheeeee." There's a middle ground.
posted by theora55 at 6:40 PM on January 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
Be honest about money. Agree to be honest about what things cost, about debt, and respect each others' goals and values. Have shared goals, and shared values, if you can. Maybe you want to save for college for kids you don't have yet. Maybe she's from a family where spending and debt is a way of life. Sit down and talk about it, and listen to what she has to say. I work hard, am frugal, shop carefully, and don't consume luxuries I can't pay for. I hate debt. I've missed quite a few concerts, trips, etc., because I felt I couldn't afford them. My now-ex spends what's in his pocket, has a terrible credit rating, but has a lot of fun.
Know what you have for expenses and assets, and know what you have for future expenses and assets. If you both have older cars, now's the time to start budgeting for replacing 1 of them. If you want to have children, you might want to take 1 child-free vacation before you start the life of family, or no- vacations. If you expect Aunt Gert(96 and still in good form) to leave you a tidy sum, the kids' college fund may not be such an issue. (or not, she may have invested unwisely.) Have a budget; understand where the money goes, and make sure the parts that are discretionary are really going towards what you both want.
In marriage, even if you earn more, or earn less, money should be something you share. Money's a tool to get stuff you need, not a way to control people. That's true on both sides. The person earning more gets a vote, and the person earning less gets a vote. It's not okay to assert your rights with "I make it, so I get to say" or assert your rights with "I vote by spending. Wheeeee." There's a middle ground.
posted by theora55 at 6:40 PM on January 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
> The number one thing they did that helped was to put her in charge of watching the bank account and paying all of the bills
That's the way it works around here; Mr Corpse earns almost all the money, and I do almost all the financial work. I'm better with the money so I handle the bills, get our taxes done, make sure we're getting the best deals we can on our credit cards, all that good stuff. We have enough money and we have similar ideas about what's a reasonable amount to spend on X, Y, or Z (although he doesn't realize how much of our money goes to chocolate) so it hasn't been a source of friction.
If you do decide to do this, make sure she has the time allocated to do it. Every few weekends I grab the big boxes of paper, close the office door, and try to get through it all while Mr Corpse looks after the kids. Sitting at the computer messing around with Moneydance does not count as "me" time, as much as I usually enjoy it.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:47 PM on January 2, 2012
That's the way it works around here; Mr Corpse earns almost all the money, and I do almost all the financial work. I'm better with the money so I handle the bills, get our taxes done, make sure we're getting the best deals we can on our credit cards, all that good stuff. We have enough money and we have similar ideas about what's a reasonable amount to spend on X, Y, or Z (although he doesn't realize how much of our money goes to chocolate) so it hasn't been a source of friction.
If you do decide to do this, make sure she has the time allocated to do it. Every few weekends I grab the big boxes of paper, close the office door, and try to get through it all while Mr Corpse looks after the kids. Sitting at the computer messing around with Moneydance does not count as "me" time, as much as I usually enjoy it.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:47 PM on January 2, 2012
We never even considered separate accounts because we just see ourselves as a team, and we both want what works for the team, so we budget for that with one joint account.
This is what works for us. We use demarcated savings accounts for agreed-upon big savings goals (eg new car, house renovation, etc), and big expenses are always discussed together. We have swung from one of us making 100 percent to the other, and back again, to the current moment which is about 60/40, and I expect that to continue to change. As long as it is "ours" and not "mine vs yours," where the money comes from matters much less than being in agreement about where it is going.
I know that having defined "allowances" works for a lot of people, but it also brings up tricky questions. For example, societal expectations and the realities of her job pretty much requires that my partner spend a fair bit of money each month on her hair, nails, clothes, etc. (In contrast, my total hair expenditures for last year were zero, because I bought new clippers two years ago and they are still working fine.) Are her hair and clothes expenses really just personal, or are they a household cost, same as having a car that runs and paying the electrical bill?
Similarly, I know couples where "her" allowance ends up being used for mostly household stuff (eg new shoes for the kids, kitchen supplies) while "his" gets used for hobbies and beers with friends, which seems inequitable to me. So if you do go the allowance route (which again, works wonderfully for many people), make sure that you are being fair in how it works. And make sure you are accounting for questions like: if she spends $140 getting a body wax, does that come out of her allowance because she is spending it, or out of your allowance because it was done in large part to make you happy?
Lastly, I have known many couples where the income split is very large (say, 90/10 or more) who do the split accounting thing as a way of giving independence to the low-earning spouse. So all household bills and retirement savings and vacation money and everything come out of the large income, and the tiny income is the low-earning spouse's entirely to with as he/she pleases, with no need to justify or explain to the main earner. Again, there is more than one model out there of successful financial setups, and you need to be pragmatic and do what works for you, not what seems better in theory.
posted by Forktine at 2:14 AM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
This is what works for us. We use demarcated savings accounts for agreed-upon big savings goals (eg new car, house renovation, etc), and big expenses are always discussed together. We have swung from one of us making 100 percent to the other, and back again, to the current moment which is about 60/40, and I expect that to continue to change. As long as it is "ours" and not "mine vs yours," where the money comes from matters much less than being in agreement about where it is going.
I know that having defined "allowances" works for a lot of people, but it also brings up tricky questions. For example, societal expectations and the realities of her job pretty much requires that my partner spend a fair bit of money each month on her hair, nails, clothes, etc. (In contrast, my total hair expenditures for last year were zero, because I bought new clippers two years ago and they are still working fine.) Are her hair and clothes expenses really just personal, or are they a household cost, same as having a car that runs and paying the electrical bill?
Similarly, I know couples where "her" allowance ends up being used for mostly household stuff (eg new shoes for the kids, kitchen supplies) while "his" gets used for hobbies and beers with friends, which seems inequitable to me. So if you do go the allowance route (which again, works wonderfully for many people), make sure that you are being fair in how it works. And make sure you are accounting for questions like: if she spends $140 getting a body wax, does that come out of her allowance because she is spending it, or out of your allowance because it was done in large part to make you happy?
Lastly, I have known many couples where the income split is very large (say, 90/10 or more) who do the split accounting thing as a way of giving independence to the low-earning spouse. So all household bills and retirement savings and vacation money and everything come out of the large income, and the tiny income is the low-earning spouse's entirely to with as he/she pleases, with no need to justify or explain to the main earner. Again, there is more than one model out there of successful financial setups, and you need to be pragmatic and do what works for you, not what seems better in theory.
posted by Forktine at 2:14 AM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
I am a substitute teacher, so my income is variable, monthly, and only during the school year. My husband makes more than me. When he gets paid every two weeks, his money goes toward bills: rent, student loans, utilities, credit cards, etc. and some automatic saving. When I get paid every month, we sit down and decide which "projects" my earning should go to. Sometimes it's a big chunk to the down payment savings account, or to the college savings account, or to the emergency savings account. Sometimes it's a big check to a credit card. Sometimes it's a little bit to everything. The point is, nobody's paycheck just sits around in their checking account waiting to be spent. We each have a little bit for spending, but the rest of our money is immediately sent off to do something.
posted by that's how you get ants at 7:35 AM on January 3, 2012
posted by that's how you get ants at 7:35 AM on January 3, 2012
A budget is only a secondary step in addressing this. The first step from which everything else follows is agreeing on your shared financial goals.
I came here to say this. The first step is to get on the same page about what you want, and think honestly about what you are. Some couples have two spenders, some have two savers, and some are mismatched. Any combination can succeed as long as you recognize what you have and address that specifically.
My wife and I are both pretty conservative with money, but we also both have specific items that we value more than the other (electronic toys or lunches out for me and clothes/shoes for her). To cover that, we budget an equal amount of "walking around money" each month and distribute it in cash. The money can be spent on anything we want, for any reason or none at all. But when it's gone, that's it until next month.
You will never go wrong in being fully transparent about where all of the money is coming from and where it is going each month, and in regularly "visiting your money" by looking at and thinking critically about your outstanding debt balance, your retirement savings, and your consumer spending.
posted by AgentRocket at 11:53 AM on January 3, 2012
I came here to say this. The first step is to get on the same page about what you want, and think honestly about what you are. Some couples have two spenders, some have two savers, and some are mismatched. Any combination can succeed as long as you recognize what you have and address that specifically.
My wife and I are both pretty conservative with money, but we also both have specific items that we value more than the other (electronic toys or lunches out for me and clothes/shoes for her). To cover that, we budget an equal amount of "walking around money" each month and distribute it in cash. The money can be spent on anything we want, for any reason or none at all. But when it's gone, that's it until next month.
You will never go wrong in being fully transparent about where all of the money is coming from and where it is going each month, and in regularly "visiting your money" by looking at and thinking critically about your outstanding debt balance, your retirement savings, and your consumer spending.
posted by AgentRocket at 11:53 AM on January 3, 2012
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She may be assuming you have a lot more money than you actually do: show her the amounts involved and where you would like to make changes/give choices; i.e. "if we go out to dinner three times a week, that adds up quickly, and we can't afford to do X -- how do you want to change that? by not going out to dinner, or by not doing X?"
In other words, you're a team, and it's unfair to expect one half of the team to make decisions based on information she doesn't have.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 10:06 AM on January 2, 2012 [11 favorites]