Talk me off the ledge
December 7, 2011 10:12 AM Subscribe
Having a pre-midlife crisis. What do I do next? Talk me off the ledge.
posted by bunderful to Work & Money (22 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
When I was a kid I wanted to be a veterinarian, a journalist, an artist, a writer, a librarian. OR open an orphanage (actually wrote out a plan for that one).
Somehow I wound up in finance, which has sometimes been good and sometimes not so good. Lately it's been awful. Different management and responsibilities led to me screwing up, which led to management taking stuff away from me without (in some cases) even telling me, which made me more anxious, which made me screw up more, which has ultimately led to a situation where I've been under a lot of scrutiny (more anxiety! more screwing up!) and I cry a lot. I'm still having nightmares about things that happened weeks ago.
I know I should be look at for other jobs, but:
1) Even though I KNOW I'm at least moderately intelligent and capable of some good shit and have had some really positive feedback in the past, I feel like suggesting to people that it would be a good idea to hire me is a shitty shitty lie.
2) I have a really hard time assessing what I can handle (out of college I had a series of admin jobs because I had no idea that those intimidating-looking job descriptions actually probably translated into something I could easily learn/do, and I'm behind other people in my age group because of this). I still have a problem with this.
3) I HATE CUBICLES. I can't focus for shit when people are talking around me. I do my best work when I can be part of a team and also have access to privacy and quiet. I know this is a pipe-dream in today's world, but it's a big source of misery and distraction.
4) I'm scared of another bad job situation, of bosses who manage through intimidation.
5) I recently found out I have ADD and am still struggling to sort out how to manage it.
6) Everyone wants someone organized. All the job descriptions have "excellent organizational skills". I suck at organization.
7) I do NOT work well under pressure. Under pressure I get flustered and make more mistakes and cry.
8) Just quitting would be bad, I have a few pre-existing conditions that would make health insurance a big challenge. But I just want to quit.
9) With a boss who believes in me and supports me I frakking move mountains. With a boss who is critical and intimidating it's like I lose half my brain cells and just feel frozen. Like I'd be doing good to work up some drool.
I get leads on finance jobs and I just don't follow up on them. I know it's the best way to just find a transitional point to get out of here and to something better but I am just DONE with finance. I'm not applying for other jobs because I can't get my non-finance resume sorted out. (Which I just realized as I typed this).
At my best I have really kicked ass and made a big difference. I have good ideas, tons of them, I talk my colleagues through work and personal problems, I come up with ways to make excel and powerpoint jump through hoops and simplify processes, I sweet-talk people into believing that's it's really ok if we put x1 on the website instead of x2, I raise money for orphaned wildebeasts, I find the spelling error on page 3, I dig through google to find that in 1980 in Zimbabwe X and Y happened, I work late, I come in on the weekend. Right now I just feel like it was some other person who did all that stuff.
I really just want to quit everything and go back to my hometown and rent a cheap apartment and watch TV all day.
I'm sorry that this is all over the place but any insight would be helpful. I know I need to find a way to calm myself and just take one step forward in a way that is not stupid or destructive. But first I have to sort through all this other stuff and it's making me a little crazy.