Successful Friend-Roomie-dom
December 5, 2011 8:07 PM Subscribe
Has Anyone Successfully Survived Living with a Best Friend?
If you have roommated your best friend, and managed to make your friendship intact, you are the right person to help!
I would be grateful with very detailed answers. :)
Despite the conventional wisdom, "never live with your best friend"
- What specifically did you do to make such a living arrangement work,? (aside from establishing boundaries from the beginning and try hard to respect it, and honestly communicate feelings regularly, what else?)
- How would you describe your personalities/dynamic as friends?
- How long were you friends together before moved in? When conflict arose, what did you do to resolve it?
- How much/how well did you know your friend before you moved in? What was the biggest surprise after you started living together?
- At what stage of life were you then (students or young professionals)? - Were pets and significant others involved? (in other words, were pets or SOs ever in the way?) If so, what rules did you set up?
- How long did you guys live together?
- What were the reasons that you separated ways in the end?
- Any other insights you'd like to add.
(If you have no success stories, but you think you now might know how you probably should have handled the situation back then, feel free to speak up as well)
If you have roommated your best friend, and managed to make your friendship intact, you are the right person to help!
I would be grateful with very detailed answers. :)
Despite the conventional wisdom, "never live with your best friend"
- What specifically did you do to make such a living arrangement work,? (aside from establishing boundaries from the beginning and try hard to respect it, and honestly communicate feelings regularly, what else?)
- How would you describe your personalities/dynamic as friends?
- How long were you friends together before moved in? When conflict arose, what did you do to resolve it?
- How much/how well did you know your friend before you moved in? What was the biggest surprise after you started living together?
- At what stage of life were you then (students or young professionals)? - Were pets and significant others involved? (in other words, were pets or SOs ever in the way?) If so, what rules did you set up?
- How long did you guys live together?
- What were the reasons that you separated ways in the end?
- Any other insights you'd like to add.
(If you have no success stories, but you think you now might know how you probably should have handled the situation back then, feel free to speak up as well)
Mary and I grew up together and lost touch after we graduated. When I moved into my first apartment (45 miles away from our home town), we were shocked to find that she was my upstairs neighbor. What are the chances? We were 19 at the time and resumed our friendship. Roughly a year later, and after several moves for both of us, she moved in with me. We lived together for around 6 months until she met someone and moved out.
I loved living with her. I was very shy and never wore makeup. I wore my hair long. My clothes were very basic. Mary was putting herself through beauty school and used me as her hair model for classes. In our spare time, she would dress me in her clothes, do my hair and makeup and send me out. It was the first time in my life that I realized that I was attractive and that it was fun to be so.
Mary now owns a very successful salon and I go see her regularly. We are still very close and we joke and tease each other about our time as roomies. It was a wonderful experience.
posted by myselfasme at 8:39 PM on December 5, 2011
I loved living with her. I was very shy and never wore makeup. I wore my hair long. My clothes were very basic. Mary was putting herself through beauty school and used me as her hair model for classes. In our spare time, she would dress me in her clothes, do my hair and makeup and send me out. It was the first time in my life that I realized that I was attractive and that it was fun to be so.
Mary now owns a very successful salon and I go see her regularly. We are still very close and we joke and tease each other about our time as roomies. It was a wonderful experience.
posted by myselfasme at 8:39 PM on December 5, 2011
I lived with a friend (who, through living together, became a best friend) for 2 years until I moved to a different city for work and it was great. But I think the thing we had going for us more than anything was that we had different work schedules. I was starting my career as a lawyer so worked "business hours" while she was waiting tables many nights. This gave us both space to enjoy the house in solitude.
Aside from the space our respective occupations afforded us, the rules that helped were:
We each bought our own food and did not help ourselves to each other's stuff.
I did not expect her to take responsibility for or clean up after my dogs. She did pet sit if I went on vacation, however.
We each cleaned up after ourselves and got a housekeeper for general cleaning.
We resolved conflicts (the few we had) with openness and respect. This has a lot to do with our respective personalities and willingness to listen to each other without defensiveness and to treat each other with care.
It was great, but I am sure my friend would say that her biggest issue with living with me was my SO at the time. He essentially (but never formally) moved in and he was not as considerate a roommate. He was not horrible, but he was not as conscientious as I was. She was way less likely to say anything about him at the time (15 years ago) but today, I am certain she would be much more vocal about her problems with him.
posted by murrey at 8:44 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Aside from the space our respective occupations afforded us, the rules that helped were:
We each bought our own food and did not help ourselves to each other's stuff.
I did not expect her to take responsibility for or clean up after my dogs. She did pet sit if I went on vacation, however.
We each cleaned up after ourselves and got a housekeeper for general cleaning.
We resolved conflicts (the few we had) with openness and respect. This has a lot to do with our respective personalities and willingness to listen to each other without defensiveness and to treat each other with care.
It was great, but I am sure my friend would say that her biggest issue with living with me was my SO at the time. He essentially (but never formally) moved in and he was not as considerate a roommate. He was not horrible, but he was not as conscientious as I was. She was way less likely to say anything about him at the time (15 years ago) but today, I am certain she would be much more vocal about her problems with him.
posted by murrey at 8:44 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
I lived with my best friend. It was awesome. I mean, we lived in a pseudo-ghetto in Wash Heights, but it was still awesome.
The first thing I would say is don't over-think it. If you spend the whole time being 'omg I'm living with my best friend how can I not ruin this?' then that can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The thing that made it work basically is that we were both super busy doing our own stuff. We were students in New York (at different schools) and we were both musicians, so we weren't at home all that often.
It was probably a bit of a special case because he was a drummer and was wont to practice late hours. He was obsessed with perfect time, and he would set a metronome and just tap the cymbal on the quarter not for hours well into the middle of the night. I put headphones on, and because I made enough of my own noise, it wasn't a big deal, surprisingly.
I had a plastic leg in a glass case I kept in the hallway, until he demanded it be moved because he claimed it gave him nightmares.
Those were our only hiccups.
I guess expectations is a big part of it. We didn't expect to hang out all the time, or share all our meals or whatever, so there was never any 'dude, where have you been' kind of stuff.
We were both single, and both dudes, so perhaps that made a difference.
All in all, it was great.
I will say one thing from having lived with non-best friend roommates in other situations where they had an SO that basically lived there. That can really become a point of huge contention. If you're living with someone else and your SO basically lives with you but doesn't pay rent/contribute to utilities/eats the food etc, that can be a real drag. So, if there are SOs involved, something to think about. If you want to move in with your best friend and basically move your SO in too, just move in with your SO and save everyone the hassle.
posted by Lutoslawski at 8:55 PM on December 5, 2011
The first thing I would say is don't over-think it. If you spend the whole time being 'omg I'm living with my best friend how can I not ruin this?' then that can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The thing that made it work basically is that we were both super busy doing our own stuff. We were students in New York (at different schools) and we were both musicians, so we weren't at home all that often.
It was probably a bit of a special case because he was a drummer and was wont to practice late hours. He was obsessed with perfect time, and he would set a metronome and just tap the cymbal on the quarter not for hours well into the middle of the night. I put headphones on, and because I made enough of my own noise, it wasn't a big deal, surprisingly.
I had a plastic leg in a glass case I kept in the hallway, until he demanded it be moved because he claimed it gave him nightmares.
Those were our only hiccups.
I guess expectations is a big part of it. We didn't expect to hang out all the time, or share all our meals or whatever, so there was never any 'dude, where have you been' kind of stuff.
We were both single, and both dudes, so perhaps that made a difference.
All in all, it was great.
I will say one thing from having lived with non-best friend roommates in other situations where they had an SO that basically lived there. That can really become a point of huge contention. If you're living with someone else and your SO basically lives with you but doesn't pay rent/contribute to utilities/eats the food etc, that can be a real drag. So, if there are SOs involved, something to think about. If you want to move in with your best friend and basically move your SO in too, just move in with your SO and save everyone the hassle.
posted by Lutoslawski at 8:55 PM on December 5, 2011
I have basically spent the last 10 years of my life living with different "best" friends. In college, I lived with a really good friend for two years. After that, another three years with my best friend, then another 4 years with a different friend. And what's great was that my roommate became my best friend just from the sheer amount of time I lived with them. Now I've lived almost a year with my fiance.
In a lot of ways I didn't overthink it. At some points I was probably the "worse" roommate, and in others, I was probably the "better" roommate, but I never really thought of it in those terms at the time.
The thing that I always kept in mind was that I always valued the friendship more than anything else. When I was living with my messiest roommate, I decided that we should get a cleaning person every two-three weeks because I didn't want to be the one cleaning up all the time and feeling resentful of it. When I was the messier roommate, I tried to consciously view things in "How is my roommate going to feel when he comes home and sees that I cooked and left a sink full of dirty dishes". Even if I happened to do more of the cooking and cleaning, I always knew that it was worth it. My roommates were all so great to have around that I never minded doing a little more work. I'm reminded of that quote about marriage- a successful marriage makes both people feel like they're doing most of the work. And in a lot of ways, I think it's good to treat it like a marriage (though I'm not yet married, of course.)
posted by thewumpusisdead at 9:33 PM on December 5, 2011
In a lot of ways I didn't overthink it. At some points I was probably the "worse" roommate, and in others, I was probably the "better" roommate, but I never really thought of it in those terms at the time.
The thing that I always kept in mind was that I always valued the friendship more than anything else. When I was living with my messiest roommate, I decided that we should get a cleaning person every two-three weeks because I didn't want to be the one cleaning up all the time and feeling resentful of it. When I was the messier roommate, I tried to consciously view things in "How is my roommate going to feel when he comes home and sees that I cooked and left a sink full of dirty dishes". Even if I happened to do more of the cooking and cleaning, I always knew that it was worth it. My roommates were all so great to have around that I never minded doing a little more work. I'm reminded of that quote about marriage- a successful marriage makes both people feel like they're doing most of the work. And in a lot of ways, I think it's good to treat it like a marriage (though I'm not yet married, of course.)
posted by thewumpusisdead at 9:33 PM on December 5, 2011
I can't answer all those questions. However, I will point out the two most important areas I've found when Living With A Best Friend. I've lived with my best friend for a year and a half now.
1. Cleanliness level/what is considered clean. For example, some people find crumbs on the table after a few days to be perfectly acceptable. Some people want the table clean every night. While this seems like a little thing, clashing standards of "clean" can be really tiresome and taxing on a friendship. The reason I don't live with my other best friend is because when I lived with her last year, she left dishes unwashed for a week. Never cleaned the bathroom, etc. Setting a schedule or whatever is annoying and bothersome when you need to keep reminding the other person. Its almost a personal attack. Just knowing when things need to be clean is important. If you both like a clean kitchen every night, YAY. If you both don't mind and inch of crust on the floor, YAY. Personal bedrooms don't count.
2. Issues of sex. My best friend and I share a wall. I.E. the sex is awkward, loud and annoying. Yay for her having sex. Boo for me not being able to sleep. A will to compromise is really important here. Use ear plugs. Agree to have sex at the partner's place when you are home. Put on REALLY LOUD MUSIC. A will to compromise is quite important in any living situation. But make sure you follow through too :)
posted by fuzzysoft at 9:47 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
1. Cleanliness level/what is considered clean. For example, some people find crumbs on the table after a few days to be perfectly acceptable. Some people want the table clean every night. While this seems like a little thing, clashing standards of "clean" can be really tiresome and taxing on a friendship. The reason I don't live with my other best friend is because when I lived with her last year, she left dishes unwashed for a week. Never cleaned the bathroom, etc. Setting a schedule or whatever is annoying and bothersome when you need to keep reminding the other person. Its almost a personal attack. Just knowing when things need to be clean is important. If you both like a clean kitchen every night, YAY. If you both don't mind and inch of crust on the floor, YAY. Personal bedrooms don't count.
2. Issues of sex. My best friend and I share a wall. I.E. the sex is awkward, loud and annoying. Yay for her having sex. Boo for me not being able to sleep. A will to compromise is really important here. Use ear plugs. Agree to have sex at the partner's place when you are home. Put on REALLY LOUD MUSIC. A will to compromise is quite important in any living situation. But make sure you follow through too :)
posted by fuzzysoft at 9:47 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
- How long were you friends together before moved in? When conflict arose, what did you do to resolve it?
We had met the first day of college, and moved in together 9 months after graduation (he was a semester behind me at that point).
- How much/how well did you know your friend before you moved in? What was the biggest surprise after you started living together?
We had lived in the same dormitory for several years and I had been a spectator to a long and intense episode of his depression; he had seen me deal with a (relatively minor and transient) drinking problem. We each knew all about the other's worst side.
- How long did you guys live together?
Six months.
- What were the reasons that you separated ways in the end?
I moved to New York.
- Any other insights you'd like to add.
I think that one of the reasons our living situation worked out so well (and it would have worked well much longer than that) was that we were well beyond being just friends who hung out. We had each witnessed major crises in one another's lives, and had proven ourselves to each other time and time again. Our parents both thought it was a great idea (and given that I thought my religious Southern parents would have never approved of me living with a man, that's saying something).
He's still one of my closest friends in the world.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:11 PM on December 5, 2011
We had met the first day of college, and moved in together 9 months after graduation (he was a semester behind me at that point).
- How much/how well did you know your friend before you moved in? What was the biggest surprise after you started living together?
We had lived in the same dormitory for several years and I had been a spectator to a long and intense episode of his depression; he had seen me deal with a (relatively minor and transient) drinking problem. We each knew all about the other's worst side.
- How long did you guys live together?
Six months.
- What were the reasons that you separated ways in the end?
I moved to New York.
- Any other insights you'd like to add.
I think that one of the reasons our living situation worked out so well (and it would have worked well much longer than that) was that we were well beyond being just friends who hung out. We had each witnessed major crises in one another's lives, and had proven ourselves to each other time and time again. Our parents both thought it was a great idea (and given that I thought my religious Southern parents would have never approved of me living with a man, that's saying something).
He's still one of my closest friends in the world.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:11 PM on December 5, 2011
room mate first, best friend second.
In other words, assume nothing. Do and contribute more than your share of everything. If you start to get a bad taste in your mouth, move out.
posted by philip-random at 10:16 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
In other words, assume nothing. Do and contribute more than your share of everything. If you start to get a bad taste in your mouth, move out.
posted by philip-random at 10:16 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Lots of questions! I'm currently living with one of my best friends from highschool; we're both seniors in college right now. I think that helped a bit, actually. We both have 2 or 3 years of living with other people under our belts, so we know to give each other space and such.
Honestly, there isn't much we do to specifically make living together work. We hang out fairly often, cook together occasionally, it seems to work.
Personality-wise, we're both really laid back people, so I guess that might have something to do with our success as housemates as well.
Neither of us is at all passive-aggressive. That definitely helps when conflicts come up. We just go right up to the other and say what the problem is, and then work on fixing the problem. I guess that might not work with a lot of people, but it gets us by.
I knew him pretty well before we moved in together. Like I said above, we went to high school together, and were pretty close back then. I wouldn't say we're as close now, but we're still dang good friends.
We're both students in college now, and there are no pets or SO's living here. Not a rule, just a circumstance.
We've been living together for a semester.
Living with other people is not that hard, as long as you're willing to give people their space, and no one is a selfish ass. That's been my experience through living with friends and strangers.
posted by TheMidnightHobo at 7:25 AM on December 6, 2011
Honestly, there isn't much we do to specifically make living together work. We hang out fairly often, cook together occasionally, it seems to work.
Personality-wise, we're both really laid back people, so I guess that might have something to do with our success as housemates as well.
Neither of us is at all passive-aggressive. That definitely helps when conflicts come up. We just go right up to the other and say what the problem is, and then work on fixing the problem. I guess that might not work with a lot of people, but it gets us by.
I knew him pretty well before we moved in together. Like I said above, we went to high school together, and were pretty close back then. I wouldn't say we're as close now, but we're still dang good friends.
We're both students in college now, and there are no pets or SO's living here. Not a rule, just a circumstance.
We've been living together for a semester.
Living with other people is not that hard, as long as you're willing to give people their space, and no one is a selfish ass. That's been my experience through living with friends and strangers.
posted by TheMidnightHobo at 7:25 AM on December 6, 2011
I lived with my best friend in college for more than 3 years, starting in our 3rd year of college. We met through the new student orientation program before entering our freshmen year. We had lived with other people the two years prior, both of them in dorms, so we were happy to have our own bedrooms. I moved out to live with my girlfriend, so we parted on friendly terms.
We shopped and cooked together, and we were frugal. We tried to share the costs evenly, but I had more money than he did, so I was fine with carrying more of the financial burden from time to time, and we didn't stress over the exact amounts either of us paid. We often took turns buying food and meals, with the idea that it would work out in the end. We also shared the chore of cleaning the kitchen and communal spaces, though we were both messy people, content with a bit of filth.
We have similar interests, and I'm easy-going, so we'd hang out a lot and play games with friends, watch a variety of odd movies, and have some dinner/gaming parties with friends.
In short: we were really compatible, and I was content to go with his suggestions for activities. We're still good friends, but we've moved apart, and we don't talk that often.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:20 AM on December 6, 2011
We shopped and cooked together, and we were frugal. We tried to share the costs evenly, but I had more money than he did, so I was fine with carrying more of the financial burden from time to time, and we didn't stress over the exact amounts either of us paid. We often took turns buying food and meals, with the idea that it would work out in the end. We also shared the chore of cleaning the kitchen and communal spaces, though we were both messy people, content with a bit of filth.
We have similar interests, and I'm easy-going, so we'd hang out a lot and play games with friends, watch a variety of odd movies, and have some dinner/gaming parties with friends.
In short: we were really compatible, and I was content to go with his suggestions for activities. We're still good friends, but we've moved apart, and we don't talk that often.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:20 AM on December 6, 2011
My best friend from college and I decided to live together in a dorm room our sophomore year of college. I had reservations, but it worked out wonderfully and we lived together through the rest of college with no major problems. Best roommate I've ever had.
One thing you need to look for, no matter how compatible you are with someone as a friend you need to make sure that your lifestyle needs are also compatible. There's people who I absolutely adore as friends, but who I would have been miserable living with.
Think about the same questions for living with a best friend that you would for anyone else: how sensitive are you to noise, when do you go to bed, how clean are they, would you be cool if they had someone stay over all the time, are they generally responsible and good at communication, would you be jealous if they spent a lot of time away or with other friends?
posted by forkisbetter at 9:24 AM on December 6, 2011
One thing you need to look for, no matter how compatible you are with someone as a friend you need to make sure that your lifestyle needs are also compatible. There's people who I absolutely adore as friends, but who I would have been miserable living with.
Think about the same questions for living with a best friend that you would for anyone else: how sensitive are you to noise, when do you go to bed, how clean are they, would you be cool if they had someone stay over all the time, are they generally responsible and good at communication, would you be jealous if they spent a lot of time away or with other friends?
posted by forkisbetter at 9:24 AM on December 6, 2011
I've been living with my best friend since 2007. It's been mostly good times, though we do sometimes have super-intense rows in almost the way a couple would (the 'I'm worried that the way you did X means you don't respect me as a person' kind.) It's survived his girlfriend moving in with us - she's now one of my closest friends as well. I think people who care about each other living together is a wonderful thing. I agree with those above who say you have to put work into it.
My friend and I both, as it turns out, have a tendency to depression, and when things have been really bad for me it's been incredibly significant that I had someone around to check up on me and keep me grounded. When I was unemployed for several months a few years ago, he used to knock on my bedroom door every morning and make sure I got out of bed to answer it. When his girlfriend was in between her MA and her first job, I took her a cup of tea and two brioche rolls every morning because that was the only thing she could stomach for breakfast and I wanted to make sure her day got off to a good start. Little things like that can be really important sometimes.
posted by Acheman at 9:31 AM on December 6, 2011
My friend and I both, as it turns out, have a tendency to depression, and when things have been really bad for me it's been incredibly significant that I had someone around to check up on me and keep me grounded. When I was unemployed for several months a few years ago, he used to knock on my bedroom door every morning and make sure I got out of bed to answer it. When his girlfriend was in between her MA and her first job, I took her a cup of tea and two brioche rolls every morning because that was the only thing she could stomach for breakfast and I wanted to make sure her day got off to a good start. Little things like that can be really important sometimes.
posted by Acheman at 9:31 AM on December 6, 2011
I lived with 1 best friend from childhood, and two other people, one of which became another best friend after living together, the fourth roommate changed almost every year (not due to conflict, mostly due to dropping out/graduating)
- What specifically did you do to make such a living arrangement work,? (aside from establishing boundaries from the beginning and try hard to respect it, and honestly communicate feelings regularly, what else?)
- How would you describe your personalities/dynamic as friends?
She was always the leader when we were kids, but as adults living together, we had pretty similar styles of living.
- How long were you friends together before moved in? When conflict arose, what did you do to resolve it?
I was friends with the girl in question since kindergarten. We went to different middle and HS and lost touch, but went to the same university and decided to move in together with one of her good friends and a friend of mine in second year.
- How much/how well did you know your friend before you moved in? What was the biggest surprise after you started living together?
I knew her well as a kid, but not as an adult. No big surprises, mostly just boyfriend drama, the other two roommates had the biggest issues, such as unexpected pets, not paying rent.
- At what stage of life were you then (students or young professionals)?
We were all students
- Were pets and significant others involved? (in other words, were pets or SOs ever in the way?) If so, what rules did you set up?
One unexpected pet was involved (belonged to another roommate), as for SOs, everyone's BF lived in an apartment alone, so they spent their time there, ironically it became lonely for me, as I ended up practically living alone for one year.
- How long did you guys live together?
Lived together for 4 years.
- What were the reasons that you separated ways in the end?
Graduated University, got jobs in different cities.
- Any other insights you'd like to add
Talking is good, as everyone has said, once in a while we'd get together and mentioned pet peeves and things you could not live with, especially when a new roommate moved in, (examples that ppl brought up: dirty dishes, toothpaste in the sink, dirty microwave)
posted by devonia at 9:37 AM on December 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
- What specifically did you do to make such a living arrangement work,? (aside from establishing boundaries from the beginning and try hard to respect it, and honestly communicate feelings regularly, what else?)
- How would you describe your personalities/dynamic as friends?
She was always the leader when we were kids, but as adults living together, we had pretty similar styles of living.
- How long were you friends together before moved in? When conflict arose, what did you do to resolve it?
I was friends with the girl in question since kindergarten. We went to different middle and HS and lost touch, but went to the same university and decided to move in together with one of her good friends and a friend of mine in second year.
- How much/how well did you know your friend before you moved in? What was the biggest surprise after you started living together?
I knew her well as a kid, but not as an adult. No big surprises, mostly just boyfriend drama, the other two roommates had the biggest issues, such as unexpected pets, not paying rent.
- At what stage of life were you then (students or young professionals)?
We were all students
- Were pets and significant others involved? (in other words, were pets or SOs ever in the way?) If so, what rules did you set up?
One unexpected pet was involved (belonged to another roommate), as for SOs, everyone's BF lived in an apartment alone, so they spent their time there, ironically it became lonely for me, as I ended up practically living alone for one year.
- How long did you guys live together?
Lived together for 4 years.
- What were the reasons that you separated ways in the end?
Graduated University, got jobs in different cities.
- Any other insights you'd like to add
Talking is good, as everyone has said, once in a while we'd get together and mentioned pet peeves and things you could not live with, especially when a new roommate moved in, (examples that ppl brought up: dirty dishes, toothpaste in the sink, dirty microwave)
posted by devonia at 9:37 AM on December 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
The most important thing, after typical roommate courtesies, is that you both have to be ok with not doing everything together.
If you're in the same social circle, you'll find you're spending all your free time together and that can get old fast. Don't get jealous if they don't invite you to everything they do, and don't feel like you need to invite them to tag along to everything you do.
posted by auto-correct at 9:42 AM on December 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you're in the same social circle, you'll find you're spending all your free time together and that can get old fast. Don't get jealous if they don't invite you to everything they do, and don't feel like you need to invite them to tag along to everything you do.
posted by auto-correct at 9:42 AM on December 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
With some best friends you might just naturally be in sync, or easily get in sync, on issues of cleanliness, noise, energy, guests, etc. It'll be about the same as with any basically compatible roommate (ie, you'll still have to talk things out and compromise sometimes) but more fun and rewarding because you love each other. The main thing is not to take living issues more personally than you would with a non-best friend.
That's mostly how it was for me when I lived with a best friend in grad school. For a month and a half of that time, her fiance lived with us.
With a friend whom you love but don't have that sync with, I think you basically have to decide that you're more like a family than friends and you'll lovingly put up with stuff that drives you crazy because of the emotional rewards of sharing a home - even if it involves you feeling like you're doing 150% of the emotional/house/other work, and keeping in mind that they may well feel that way too. It may mean going to extra expense or trouble for the sake of the relationship. If that sounds like an unfair bargain, then maybe you love that friend more as a friend than as family and living together isn't a great idea.
posted by Salamandrous at 10:50 AM on December 6, 2011
That's mostly how it was for me when I lived with a best friend in grad school. For a month and a half of that time, her fiance lived with us.
With a friend whom you love but don't have that sync with, I think you basically have to decide that you're more like a family than friends and you'll lovingly put up with stuff that drives you crazy because of the emotional rewards of sharing a home - even if it involves you feeling like you're doing 150% of the emotional/house/other work, and keeping in mind that they may well feel that way too. It may mean going to extra expense or trouble for the sake of the relationship. If that sounds like an unfair bargain, then maybe you love that friend more as a friend than as family and living together isn't a great idea.
posted by Salamandrous at 10:50 AM on December 6, 2011
- What specifically did you do to make such a living arrangement work,?
We had a running roommate spreadsheet of money, when one person owed the other more than $50 it was paid off.
- How would you describe your personalities/dynamic as friends?
We are like sisters, we disagree sometimes but we love each other no matter what. We are both easy-going, we like doing the same things. We are both "adults" meaning neither of us had or created excess drama and we took constructive criticism as constructive.
- How long were you friends together before moved in? When conflict arose, what did you do to resolve it?
Knew each other for 20 years, best friends for about 7-8 years. Conflict was solved by talking. If someone had a problem it was brought up early (before anyone got really angry or anything). But we didn't actually have a lot of conflict.
- How much/how well did you know your friend before you moved in? What was the biggest surprise after you started living together?
We knew each other REALLY well. My biggest surprise was probably how much closer we became, I didn't think it was possible but at this point both of us wish that we were either lesbians or that one of us was a man so that we could just get married or something.
- At what stage of life were you then (students or young professionals)?
mid 20's when we started. I was in school and working, she was working.
- Were pets and significant others involved? (in other words, were pets or SOs ever in the way?) If so, what rules did you set up? We each had a dog that we got while living together and then we got a shared cat. We basically co-parented. Made sure someone was home to walk both of them. Other than each dog slept with its respective parent they were never separated. We have similar "parenting" techniques (and she has dog training experience) so we didn't have a lot of issues here. Clean-up of any messes fell to whoever saw it first. Litterbox was usually me in the mornings and her in the evenings (the box was in the living room so we cleaned it a lot to prevent smells). Her SO basically moved in for a while until I got annoyed and asked her if he could leave for a while. SOs basically spent 1-2 nights at our place and we spent 1-2 nights at their place, alternating so someone was always home with the dogs.
- How long did you guys live together?
3 years total, with a break of about 6 months in the middle. Also another 6 months was living in a tiny one bedroom with her sleeping on the couch.
- What were the reasons that you separated ways in the end?
She moved back to CA because of a dream job. I miss her. A. LOT. I would love to still be living together.
- Any other insights you'd like to add?
We treated our living together as family. We shared food, each of us bought what we wanted for ourselves but staples were all shared. We generally shared 3-4 dinners together a week. Again, I think what we had going for us is that both of us are very low drama and we are able to have conversations about things without taking every little thing personally.
posted by magnetsphere at 2:12 PM on December 6, 2011
We had a running roommate spreadsheet of money, when one person owed the other more than $50 it was paid off.
- How would you describe your personalities/dynamic as friends?
We are like sisters, we disagree sometimes but we love each other no matter what. We are both easy-going, we like doing the same things. We are both "adults" meaning neither of us had or created excess drama and we took constructive criticism as constructive.
- How long were you friends together before moved in? When conflict arose, what did you do to resolve it?
Knew each other for 20 years, best friends for about 7-8 years. Conflict was solved by talking. If someone had a problem it was brought up early (before anyone got really angry or anything). But we didn't actually have a lot of conflict.
- How much/how well did you know your friend before you moved in? What was the biggest surprise after you started living together?
We knew each other REALLY well. My biggest surprise was probably how much closer we became, I didn't think it was possible but at this point both of us wish that we were either lesbians or that one of us was a man so that we could just get married or something.
- At what stage of life were you then (students or young professionals)?
mid 20's when we started. I was in school and working, she was working.
- Were pets and significant others involved? (in other words, were pets or SOs ever in the way?) If so, what rules did you set up? We each had a dog that we got while living together and then we got a shared cat. We basically co-parented. Made sure someone was home to walk both of them. Other than each dog slept with its respective parent they were never separated. We have similar "parenting" techniques (and she has dog training experience) so we didn't have a lot of issues here. Clean-up of any messes fell to whoever saw it first. Litterbox was usually me in the mornings and her in the evenings (the box was in the living room so we cleaned it a lot to prevent smells). Her SO basically moved in for a while until I got annoyed and asked her if he could leave for a while. SOs basically spent 1-2 nights at our place and we spent 1-2 nights at their place, alternating so someone was always home with the dogs.
- How long did you guys live together?
3 years total, with a break of about 6 months in the middle. Also another 6 months was living in a tiny one bedroom with her sleeping on the couch.
- What were the reasons that you separated ways in the end?
She moved back to CA because of a dream job. I miss her. A. LOT. I would love to still be living together.
- Any other insights you'd like to add?
We treated our living together as family. We shared food, each of us bought what we wanted for ourselves but staples were all shared. We generally shared 3-4 dinners together a week. Again, I think what we had going for us is that both of us are very low drama and we are able to have conversations about things without taking every little thing personally.
posted by magnetsphere at 2:12 PM on December 6, 2011
I was a dorm roommate with my best friend from high school when we started college. It...didn't go well. We're still friends, happily, but it was a rough period and it took us a good eight months after moving out to really restart the friendship.
Factors that made it difficult:
-The typical stresses and homesickness involved with moving out of your parent's house and beginning college. Tensions ran high and made things worse. Both of us had difficulty adjusting in our own ways.
-Also, the stress involved with sharing a tiny room with another person. Neither of us had ever had to share a bedroom before.
-Different living habits. She was an early riser, I was a night owl. She liked to study with the TV on, I hate "Everybody Loves Raymond." Etc.
-Her personality. Although she has many great qualities, my friend does have a jealous streak and if you're hanging out with other friends, she tends to assume you're excluding her on purpose because you don't like her. I really should have seen this coming, but this was a problem when I'd want to hang out with other people. Feelings were hurt.
-My friend also wouldn't tell me WHY she was angry. I was supposed to "know" what was wrong. Conflict resolution was difficult.
-She also had a tendency to say something was OK when it actually wasn't, such as me bringing my boyfriend over to study in our room, or staying up late with my desk lamp on to do homework while she was sleeping. I had the same tendency, which didn't help.
Also, I think this sort of limited my friendship development during my freshman year, as I was not exposed to a new social group as I would have been with a college roommate whom I did not know.
What would have helped, in hindsight:
-Taking into account her personality vs. mine and realizing where potential friction would exist. I had yet to learn that you can't just move in with ANY of your friends. Some work as roommates, some will not.
-Living in a larger space, with separate bedrooms.
-Living together when we were older and not bewildered, homesick freshmen.
Later on I lived with a college friend and that went fine. We had very similar personalities and mostly were content to just do our own thing and have dinner together on occasion. So really, it depends on the person.
posted by castlebravo at 2:52 PM on December 6, 2011
Factors that made it difficult:
-The typical stresses and homesickness involved with moving out of your parent's house and beginning college. Tensions ran high and made things worse. Both of us had difficulty adjusting in our own ways.
-Also, the stress involved with sharing a tiny room with another person. Neither of us had ever had to share a bedroom before.
-Different living habits. She was an early riser, I was a night owl. She liked to study with the TV on, I hate "Everybody Loves Raymond." Etc.
-Her personality. Although she has many great qualities, my friend does have a jealous streak and if you're hanging out with other friends, she tends to assume you're excluding her on purpose because you don't like her. I really should have seen this coming, but this was a problem when I'd want to hang out with other people. Feelings were hurt.
-My friend also wouldn't tell me WHY she was angry. I was supposed to "know" what was wrong. Conflict resolution was difficult.
-She also had a tendency to say something was OK when it actually wasn't, such as me bringing my boyfriend over to study in our room, or staying up late with my desk lamp on to do homework while she was sleeping. I had the same tendency, which didn't help.
Also, I think this sort of limited my friendship development during my freshman year, as I was not exposed to a new social group as I would have been with a college roommate whom I did not know.
What would have helped, in hindsight:
-Taking into account her personality vs. mine and realizing where potential friction would exist. I had yet to learn that you can't just move in with ANY of your friends. Some work as roommates, some will not.
-Living in a larger space, with separate bedrooms.
-Living together when we were older and not bewildered, homesick freshmen.
Later on I lived with a college friend and that went fine. We had very similar personalities and mostly were content to just do our own thing and have dinner together on occasion. So really, it depends on the person.
posted by castlebravo at 2:52 PM on December 6, 2011
I moved in with two of my best friends, and one new friend, and lived with them all for three years of college.
What worked? Keeping communal areas very clean and clutter free. No homework, clothing, food, etc. was allowed to sit out in the living room and kitchen. Books and videos were kept on a shelf. Toiletries in a closet or under the sink in the bathroom. Towels in our rooms. This may be more strict than necessary, but it really helped us. We also cooked all our own food and had our own designated storage areas in the kitchen. We would occasionally share milk, cereal, fruit, etc.
I lived with three other women: one who had been my best friend for 10 years but who, ironically, I am very different from. She was neat, punctual, organized, practical. I was messy, careless, creative. We had one major blow-up, when we shared a room. She would sometimes remind me to close my window when I left for break. For the most part, it worked. The newer friend was depressive and sometimes inconsiderate, but she could seriously cook. The other longtime friend was "one of the boys," and went through a sort of transformation - snarky and wry and funny, to... passionate, effusive, and probably all around happier, but it was bumpy transition (for me, anyway). We had known each other for 7 years or so. I guess we all had crazy transitions, though - it was college!
We occasionally had "house meetings," but conflicts arose very infrequently. We were friends already, so we tried for honesty and being vocal about our needs and desires. One big discussion about room sharing meant a huge freak out (see above) where my oldest friend left the building, vowing in her rage to move home! We all exploded at one time or another, but (and perhaps I'm saying this with some nostalgia) I think we all were pretty understanding.
The biggest surprise for me was how well I did with sharing a room (which I did 2/3 years... it was a three-bedroom house with four girls). I hadn't done this since I was 8!
Significant others: it was college, so sleepovers happened a lot, and sometimes with three or more people in a room. Generally it was all smooth and happy, particularly because in the first year the two sharing a room were dating two boys sharing their own dorm room! In general, if the door was closed, you knocked before entering (even your own room). We never had trouble with SOs living with us. If we had, I'd have asked that they pay rent.
We moved on, and apart, after college. It's very sad for me to think about. But many happy memories - my best advice is to have lots of parties where you each invite some friends from your social circle or, in our case, major/department/work/club. All that mingling is great, and you start to form an identity as roommates, with a super awesome hangout apartment! Good luck!
PS: Don't let the anyone choose furnishing/decorations on their own. Go together. Trust me.
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 3:45 PM on December 6, 2011
What worked? Keeping communal areas very clean and clutter free. No homework, clothing, food, etc. was allowed to sit out in the living room and kitchen. Books and videos were kept on a shelf. Toiletries in a closet or under the sink in the bathroom. Towels in our rooms. This may be more strict than necessary, but it really helped us. We also cooked all our own food and had our own designated storage areas in the kitchen. We would occasionally share milk, cereal, fruit, etc.
I lived with three other women: one who had been my best friend for 10 years but who, ironically, I am very different from. She was neat, punctual, organized, practical. I was messy, careless, creative. We had one major blow-up, when we shared a room. She would sometimes remind me to close my window when I left for break. For the most part, it worked. The newer friend was depressive and sometimes inconsiderate, but she could seriously cook. The other longtime friend was "one of the boys," and went through a sort of transformation - snarky and wry and funny, to... passionate, effusive, and probably all around happier, but it was bumpy transition (for me, anyway). We had known each other for 7 years or so. I guess we all had crazy transitions, though - it was college!
We occasionally had "house meetings," but conflicts arose very infrequently. We were friends already, so we tried for honesty and being vocal about our needs and desires. One big discussion about room sharing meant a huge freak out (see above) where my oldest friend left the building, vowing in her rage to move home! We all exploded at one time or another, but (and perhaps I'm saying this with some nostalgia) I think we all were pretty understanding.
The biggest surprise for me was how well I did with sharing a room (which I did 2/3 years... it was a three-bedroom house with four girls). I hadn't done this since I was 8!
Significant others: it was college, so sleepovers happened a lot, and sometimes with three or more people in a room. Generally it was all smooth and happy, particularly because in the first year the two sharing a room were dating two boys sharing their own dorm room! In general, if the door was closed, you knocked before entering (even your own room). We never had trouble with SOs living with us. If we had, I'd have asked that they pay rent.
We moved on, and apart, after college. It's very sad for me to think about. But many happy memories - my best advice is to have lots of parties where you each invite some friends from your social circle or, in our case, major/department/work/club. All that mingling is great, and you start to form an identity as roommates, with a super awesome hangout apartment! Good luck!
PS: Don't let the anyone choose furnishing/decorations on their own. Go together. Trust me.
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 3:45 PM on December 6, 2011
If you ever get to the point where the best friend is communicating solely via post-it notes and snarky voice mail messages, go OUT OF YOUR WAY to arrange a time you guys can meet face to face and hash things out. I still miss my BFF/roommate from 1995.
posted by bendy at 8:14 PM on December 6, 2011
posted by bendy at 8:14 PM on December 6, 2011
I live with my best friend and my SO. We knew each other for about 9 years before we moved in together, a very close friendship during high school that we maintained mostly via phone and email when our lives took different paths after high school.
In some ways I think the biggest surprise was that we weren't the same people we were in high school. We'd spent time with each other in the intervening years, of course, but not really significant amounts of it, and both of us had changed and grown and matured in ways that were maybe a bit unexpected to each other and which we didn't really notice until we were back in close contact.
We're generally very relaxed about money, which I think helps. We generally just trust that it all works out in the wash. I know some people need more clearly defined rules for money, but for us the "I bought you lunch last week!" "Yeah, but I cooked dinner every night this week using ingredients I paid for!" kind of thing is just too stressful to worry about.
She's currently a working professional and my SO and I are students. In some ways I think it works well because we have schedules that are different enough that we're not, for e.g, competing for the bathroom in the mornings. Although this is not without its problems - we vacuum twice a week, which always happens to be in the evenings before she gets home, and once not long after we moved in she got the vacuum out and said something to the effect of "no one's vacuumed in 3 weeks." This after having vacuumed the day before! Thankfully, most chores are actually noticeable in terms of whether people are doing them or not.
Truthfully, I think my SO and I have a lot of room to improve in terms of making her feel less left out as a single person living with a couple. We've just built up a lot of in-jokes over the years we've been together and sometimes I forget that she's got no idea what we're talking about half the time. She doesn't bring guys back to the house, mostly just because most of the guys she dates have their own places which are much nicer than ours.
posted by lwb at 9:34 PM on December 6, 2011
In some ways I think the biggest surprise was that we weren't the same people we were in high school. We'd spent time with each other in the intervening years, of course, but not really significant amounts of it, and both of us had changed and grown and matured in ways that were maybe a bit unexpected to each other and which we didn't really notice until we were back in close contact.
We're generally very relaxed about money, which I think helps. We generally just trust that it all works out in the wash. I know some people need more clearly defined rules for money, but for us the "I bought you lunch last week!" "Yeah, but I cooked dinner every night this week using ingredients I paid for!" kind of thing is just too stressful to worry about.
She's currently a working professional and my SO and I are students. In some ways I think it works well because we have schedules that are different enough that we're not, for e.g, competing for the bathroom in the mornings. Although this is not without its problems - we vacuum twice a week, which always happens to be in the evenings before she gets home, and once not long after we moved in she got the vacuum out and said something to the effect of "no one's vacuumed in 3 weeks." This after having vacuumed the day before! Thankfully, most chores are actually noticeable in terms of whether people are doing them or not.
Truthfully, I think my SO and I have a lot of room to improve in terms of making her feel less left out as a single person living with a couple. We've just built up a lot of in-jokes over the years we've been together and sometimes I forget that she's got no idea what we're talking about half the time. She doesn't bring guys back to the house, mostly just because most of the guys she dates have their own places which are much nicer than ours.
posted by lwb at 9:34 PM on December 6, 2011
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- What specifically did you do to make such a living arrangement work,? (aside from establishing boundaries from the beginning and try hard to respect it, and honestly communicate feelings regularly, what else?)
We made absolutely sure each week that we didn't have any qualms. I mean a literal sit down where you say "Okay, any problems or things to work on this week?"....we even got her boyfriend to sit down with us since he was also a roommate and do this too. Of course the latter part took a lot of coaxing! During these meetings, it could be something as little as "Who's turn is it to do dishes?" Honestly, her and I only had one thing and it was quickly thwarted. She used some very expensive and discontinued bubble bath of mine...of course she didn't know this. I flipped out and just said PLEASE! IT DOESNT EXIST ANYMORE! DO NOT USE! and that was the end of that one.
- How would you describe your personalities/dynamic as friends?
We're both booksmart and generally laid back about things and we both have crazy families...this is why we became friends in the first place! While we're not as close as we once were, we do meet up about once a month to hang out and talk about our lives.
- How long were you friends together before moved in? When conflict arose, what did you do to resolve it?
We were friends since 17, so we'd been best friends for about 5 years? In high school, she had no money, and many times I would feel bad and buy her food at restaurants while we were out. I didn't feel she was very appreciative, and she began to expect it. We had a serious discussion about it and decided we should just pay our own ways and we were both fine with it from that point on. (to nutshell!)
- How much/how well did you know your friend before you moved in? What was the biggest surprise after you started living together?
I knew her very well, as I had to stay with her and her mom for a short period of time when I was 18. The only thing that really surprised me was her lack of a sex life-- I really thought I'd hear more banging, but they were really respectable about it! (I know, TMI) I did ask them about it at one point and they just said they'd wait until I was at work!
- At what stage of life were you then (students or young professionals)? - Were pets and significant others involved? (in other words, were pets or SOs ever in the way?) If so, what rules did you set up?
Students-- and yes, both boyfriends and pets were involved-- I took care of my pet and they took care of their pets. As far as boyfriends, we had no ground rules... if we had a problem,we would just say "hey, could you ___?". I found that always worked well on both sides.
- How long did you guys live together?
We lived together for a year and a half.
- What were the reasons that you separated ways in the end?
It's complicated, but she had a death in her immediate family and had the money and opportunity to move to a larger better place-- I also moved somewhere nicer (we lived in an old house that needed a lot of work). Win-win all around, really.
No matter who you live with, communication is ALWAYS key.
posted by camylanded at 8:35 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]