My brain wants me to hate myself. My self wants me to finish college. Help.
November 30, 2011 7:41 PM Subscribe
Please help me make a plan to deal with the aftermath of this episode of severe depression. For various reasons I would really prefer not to be enrolled in college again
next semester. It's long, I'm sorry, but I wrote this too quickly to pare things out.
posted by bilabial to Education (12 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
First, I am not in crisis. Basic self care things I know about, and am working on with my psychiatrist. I will not discuss them here. (except to say that I am making the decision to post this here to help relieve some of the anxiety about this, and to go to sleep now instead of pulling another a pre-exam all-nighter trying to write a terrible 2,000 words. If you have questions, I will answer them in the morning.)
I need help with the university specific stuff. The thought of failing these classes is terrifying, and a very expensive possibility. Here's what happened.
So. My psychiatrist wrote a note to my professors a month ago with a brief explanation of my condition, and a statement that any help they could provide would be appreciated. We made a medication change.
I met with each professor. I said I needed to make a plan. They both said, "try to catch up" I said "I will do the readings and work on the writings and try to catch up." (I knew then that this was not a plan, but I didn't know how to say, "No, I really need a plan. Like, a time progression. Concrete." I had exhausted my ability to talk in the meetings. I meant to email them. The second time it happened I said, "self, send those emails." The ADD didn't help, I didn't send them.)
In the meantime, I resumed attending lectures, and just dragging myself in there destroys my energy for the rest of the week. I continue to maintain a convincingly positive affect, which is also very tiring, but less tiring than crying all day in front of people and having to (decline to) explain why. When not faking it in the world, I am at home, sleeping screwing around on the internet.
My communication with professors has been poor (shame cycle!) Tonight I spent a few hours emailing my profs to try to explain. (I can share that privately if you think it might help you suggest damage control.) I don't know what I need to ask for. I don't know what is available to me, or what is reasonable.
The medication change has not been effective, except in restoring my ability to form sentences about topics I really care about. This has been a very intense form of procrastination (see: my long winded answers this past week or two). I meet with psychiatrist again on Friday, another med change is probably imminent, but that won't help me in the very short term. College students are not his primary patient base, and he does not seem to know what resources are available or where to access them on campus. Neither do I. And it's a little late in the game for that.