Little anxious kid - resources desired
September 19, 2011 12:49 PM Subscribe
Anxious preschooler. Resource recommendations please.
My kid (not quite 3) is anxious. This isn't shocking, his parents are anxious too. But seeing someone else, so helpless, deal with it is a new concern for me.
And yes, we very consciously try to maintain/manage our anxiety around him.
Manifestations of his anxiety (which are normal things that kids do, but he does them more when he is anxious about something and adults not-related to him (childcare workers, speech therapists) have noticed these things being outside of the normal range):
- biting his nails
- picking at himself
- obsessively holding toys/objects
- refusing to talk to new people
- not telling adults when he has a dirty diaper
- not playing with other kids, preferring not to interact with other kids at all
- greatly preferring mommy
- speech delay
- not eating/sleeping well if not on a regular routine
- refusing to go to sleep on his own during times of anxiety
In the past 3 weeks, he's had a lot of changes -- new daily schedule/routine, new preschool with new schedule, loss of beloved nanny, new nanny in the picture, mommy not working full-time anymore, mommy spending more time with him...
and with these changes, his anxious behaviors (the nail biting in particular) are at a whole new level/intensity.
So I realize that we're in a new situation and that in the next few weeks as things settle down, some of these behaviors are likely to lessen. I am keeping my eye on them though.
However, knowing that these anxious behaviors have come up again and again and gene-pool-wise, he's already more likely to have some of these issues, I'd love some recommendations for some books/websites about anxiety in young children.
* I do not need to hear "all that stuff is normal" or "my kid bit his nails and stopped" -- as I said above, non-related people have notices that this is not within the normal-kid stuff range.
My kid (not quite 3) is anxious. This isn't shocking, his parents are anxious too. But seeing someone else, so helpless, deal with it is a new concern for me.
And yes, we very consciously try to maintain/manage our anxiety around him.
Manifestations of his anxiety (which are normal things that kids do, but he does them more when he is anxious about something and adults not-related to him (childcare workers, speech therapists) have noticed these things being outside of the normal range):
- biting his nails
- picking at himself
- obsessively holding toys/objects
- refusing to talk to new people
- not telling adults when he has a dirty diaper
- not playing with other kids, preferring not to interact with other kids at all
- greatly preferring mommy
- speech delay
- not eating/sleeping well if not on a regular routine
- refusing to go to sleep on his own during times of anxiety
In the past 3 weeks, he's had a lot of changes -- new daily schedule/routine, new preschool with new schedule, loss of beloved nanny, new nanny in the picture, mommy not working full-time anymore, mommy spending more time with him...
and with these changes, his anxious behaviors (the nail biting in particular) are at a whole new level/intensity.
So I realize that we're in a new situation and that in the next few weeks as things settle down, some of these behaviors are likely to lessen. I am keeping my eye on them though.
However, knowing that these anxious behaviors have come up again and again and gene-pool-wise, he's already more likely to have some of these issues, I'd love some recommendations for some books/websites about anxiety in young children.
* I do not need to hear "all that stuff is normal" or "my kid bit his nails and stopped" -- as I said above, non-related people have notices that this is not within the normal-kid stuff range.
Skill practice. There are probably some kid focused therapists who are experienced and able to modify my much loved DBT.
Mindfulness - what is actually happening right now, instead of what we are afraid will happen.
Interpersonal Skills - letting the people around us know that you need/want something, or want something to be done differently. Maybe he just wishes people would be quieter, or wants a hug more often. Learning that being told "no" (or whatever it is that makes him anxious) is not a repudiation of his character. This might be the key, because many of the things you list seem to have a lot to do with communicating.
Emotion regulation - this starts with naming and recognizing our emotions without judging them. It progresses to finding other, healthier ways to deal with those emotions. So, instead of biting his nails, he may have a patch of fuzzy fabric in his pocket that he can take out and rub.
Distress tolerance - being able to recognize what it is that makes us anxious, knowing that it will pass, and being able to remember that we have made it through similar things before.
I don't know off hand if you've mentioned previously that you and/or your partner have received any therapy for your anxiety, but now might be a good time to get some for yourselves. Small kids are emotion barometers, and they are also walking bullshit detectors. If you're feeling anxious, but "hiding it," the kiddo is learning two things at once. First, that this situation causes anxiety. Second (worse!), that it's not safe/polite/cool/whatever to admit to anxiety. Another thing your kid might be learning, is that his coping mechanisms for anxiety are "shameful," without having other coping mechanisms to turn to. This might cause anxiety about his anxiety, which from the ways you are expressing concern, I can tell is the last thing you want.
posted by bilabial at 1:08 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Mindfulness - what is actually happening right now, instead of what we are afraid will happen.
Interpersonal Skills - letting the people around us know that you need/want something, or want something to be done differently. Maybe he just wishes people would be quieter, or wants a hug more often. Learning that being told "no" (or whatever it is that makes him anxious) is not a repudiation of his character. This might be the key, because many of the things you list seem to have a lot to do with communicating.
Emotion regulation - this starts with naming and recognizing our emotions without judging them. It progresses to finding other, healthier ways to deal with those emotions. So, instead of biting his nails, he may have a patch of fuzzy fabric in his pocket that he can take out and rub.
Distress tolerance - being able to recognize what it is that makes us anxious, knowing that it will pass, and being able to remember that we have made it through similar things before.
I don't know off hand if you've mentioned previously that you and/or your partner have received any therapy for your anxiety, but now might be a good time to get some for yourselves. Small kids are emotion barometers, and they are also walking bullshit detectors. If you're feeling anxious, but "hiding it," the kiddo is learning two things at once. First, that this situation causes anxiety. Second (worse!), that it's not safe/polite/cool/whatever to admit to anxiety. Another thing your kid might be learning, is that his coping mechanisms for anxiety are "shameful," without having other coping mechanisms to turn to. This might cause anxiety about his anxiety, which from the ways you are expressing concern, I can tell is the last thing you want.
posted by bilabial at 1:08 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
The Magic Years by Selma Fraiberg is the best book ever about kids this age.
posted by jasper411 at 4:43 PM on September 19, 2011
posted by jasper411 at 4:43 PM on September 19, 2011
He's a little young, but we're having a lot of luck with What to do when you worry too much (http://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144) for our kid with major anxiety issues. There are quite a lot of little board books for anxious kids that I saw while I was looking for one that would work with ours.
I borrowed a bunch of books from my local library when we realised that his shyness had become a problem, and the most useful to me were the British ones because they seemed much more practical and commonsense than the American ones.
We do a lot of feedback identifying emotions and behaviour and providing alternatives - we're at the mall and he's sure that he's going to get lost, so we hold hands in the crowd and identify meet-up points in the mall if he gets lost and tell him that it's okay to be scared but the actual risk is realistically very low, and we will always find him blah blah.
It gets better. Just having his fears acknowledged and dealt with in a calm reassuring way that doesn't mock or diminish how he feels - it's totally real to him - helps hugely, and there are skills to cope that they can learn.
I wish I had spoken up at his school earlier and pushed for more speech therapy. We've worked with a lot of different therapists and schools, and it's totally about who you and your kid click with to get a good relationship going. We had two therapists for speech, neither of whom he liked, and I wish we'd tried for another, trusting our gut instinct that he needed more help, than taking the therapists' assessment that he was fine.
posted by viggorlijah at 8:58 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I borrowed a bunch of books from my local library when we realised that his shyness had become a problem, and the most useful to me were the British ones because they seemed much more practical and commonsense than the American ones.
We do a lot of feedback identifying emotions and behaviour and providing alternatives - we're at the mall and he's sure that he's going to get lost, so we hold hands in the crowd and identify meet-up points in the mall if he gets lost and tell him that it's okay to be scared but the actual risk is realistically very low, and we will always find him blah blah.
It gets better. Just having his fears acknowledged and dealt with in a calm reassuring way that doesn't mock or diminish how he feels - it's totally real to him - helps hugely, and there are skills to cope that they can learn.
I wish I had spoken up at his school earlier and pushed for more speech therapy. We've worked with a lot of different therapists and schools, and it's totally about who you and your kid click with to get a good relationship going. We had two therapists for speech, neither of whom he liked, and I wish we'd tried for another, trusting our gut instinct that he needed more help, than taking the therapists' assessment that he was fine.
posted by viggorlijah at 8:58 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am a weekly babysitter/nanny(ish) for a similarly-anxious 3 year old, and I've been with the family for 2 years. She doesn't bite her nails and she's done a great job potty training but she does have these attacks that seem to have no particular trigger. She's been going to the beach with her family her entire life, and suddenly on Labor Day weekend refused to go on the sand, completely terrified, screaming, crying, etc. She's had attacks so bad she's ended up throwing up. Plenty of anxiety to go around in the parents, and mom is an LCSW so recognizes signs of these issues. Sounds like your kid has a higher level of constant anxiety, maybe, but both situations are certainly over and above normal 3-year-old behavior.
So, what her parents did was to meet with a child psychologist, without their daughter. They got some good ideas, I think, but came away feeling like they had spent a ton of money to not really learn a whole lot. The shrink recommended this book, which I think has helped the family. On particularly anxious days, they'll do "Worry Time" before nap, where little lady can spew all of the things she has been worrying about (the big truck in the neighborhood has come up once or twice), BUT she isn't allowed to spend much time on worries except in Worry Time. If she starts to show signs of an anxiety issue, mom says "save it for worry time" - doesn't seem like it'll always work, but it does a whole bunch.
Hope that helps! Anecdotes! woo
posted by brave little toaster at 8:59 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
So, what her parents did was to meet with a child psychologist, without their daughter. They got some good ideas, I think, but came away feeling like they had spent a ton of money to not really learn a whole lot. The shrink recommended this book, which I think has helped the family. On particularly anxious days, they'll do "Worry Time" before nap, where little lady can spew all of the things she has been worrying about (the big truck in the neighborhood has come up once or twice), BUT she isn't allowed to spend much time on worries except in Worry Time. If she starts to show signs of an anxiety issue, mom says "save it for worry time" - doesn't seem like it'll always work, but it does a whole bunch.
Hope that helps! Anecdotes! woo
posted by brave little toaster at 8:59 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
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Seven Steps to Help Your Child Worry Less by Sam Goldstein, Ph.D., Kristy Hagar, Ph.D., and Robert Brooks, Ph.D.
Your Anxious Child: How Parents and Teachers Can Relieve Anxiety in Children by John S. Dacey and Lisa B. Fiore
Helping Your Anxious Child: A Step-by-Step Guide for Parents by Sue Spence, Vanessa Cobham, Ann Wignall, and Ronald Rapee
The Child Anxiety Network also has some nice resources for parents, and workbooks and picture books for kids to help them learn about and learn some skills to cope with anxiety.
He's a little young, but working with a pediatric therapist who specializes in working with anxiety disorders is something that will likely be helpful at some point. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the most efficacious intervention for anxiety.
Good luck to you and your little guy. This is something that can absolutely get better.
posted by goggie at 1:03 PM on September 19, 2011 [2 favorites]