What do the parents of a sensitive kid need to be aware of?
September 18, 2011 12:43 AM Subscribe
Help me understand my 4-year-old's anxiety about school and structured events.
My 4-year-old daughter cries everyday when I drop her off at school. I know this happens w/ a lot of kids, but she is by far the most anxious of the kids in her grade at school. We live in France where kids start school at age 3. All of last year she went to school 8 hours/day, 4 days/week so this is her second year at the same school. (As Americans this is strange to us but almost all French kids start school at this age). Last year she cried everyday up until early May, when we finally worked out a system that worked for her. Now, with the start of the school year we are back to where we started and worse. Now she has started complaining about school the night before and at breakfast. She gets all dark and starts to say things like we should never take her to school again. When we ask her what she doesn't like about school she says she is "scared" about various things; most notably the number of kids and being separated from Mom and Dad. (She would rather stay home and "go the places mommies and daddies go") The teachers say the crying only lasts a few minutes. Also, by the end of the last school year she brought home an excellent report card (yeah, I know, a report card for a 3-year-old, what's up with that?) They gave her glowing reports on her performance despite initial unfamiliarity w/ the language.
This weekend we had an escalation of the scared/anxious theme at a swimming class. For a couple of years we have taken our two daughters (now 4 and 2 1/2) to a free-form "baby swimming" class at a local pool. This year the 4-year-old was meant to start a more structured class and we were hopeful since over the summer she has become much more bold in the water when at the beach. But once the class started and its structured format became apparent she freaked out, started crying and had to be taken out of the pool. This is the same pool she has been to before, with the same people, etc. Also, we thought this would work out OK as either myself or the wife would be staying in the water with her. (A previous attempt at a gymnastics class fell apart at separation between mother and daughter). After fleeing the pool in tears we stayed and watched the class, which is actually a class for 3-year-olds, and I showed my daughter how all the other kids were doing the things and their mommies and daddies were there with them and it was all OK, but she wouldn't get back in the water.
I vaguely remember being a little like this as a kid; mostly I remember my mother belittling me for being a sissy. Somehow I outgrew it, but then again my mother would never have stood for the events at the pool. I talked to one of my sisters yesterday and we both agreed that had it been me and my mother in that situation I would have completed the class and done as told. But we both agreed that we lack the extreme parental cruelty required for that outcome.
My question is this…how do we deal with a delicate child? How do we know if she is just a little delicate or if she has actual phobias that need to be dealt with? How often do we give her a pass on things like the gym class and swimming class before she determines that she can quit anything she doesn't want to try to do? What other obstacles can we look forward to as she grows up.
BTW, her little sister has a totally different constitution. I'm sure we could have put her in that same swim class and even at 2 1/2 she would not have had a problem with it.
My 4-year-old daughter cries everyday when I drop her off at school. I know this happens w/ a lot of kids, but she is by far the most anxious of the kids in her grade at school. We live in France where kids start school at age 3. All of last year she went to school 8 hours/day, 4 days/week so this is her second year at the same school. (As Americans this is strange to us but almost all French kids start school at this age). Last year she cried everyday up until early May, when we finally worked out a system that worked for her. Now, with the start of the school year we are back to where we started and worse. Now she has started complaining about school the night before and at breakfast. She gets all dark and starts to say things like we should never take her to school again. When we ask her what she doesn't like about school she says she is "scared" about various things; most notably the number of kids and being separated from Mom and Dad. (She would rather stay home and "go the places mommies and daddies go") The teachers say the crying only lasts a few minutes. Also, by the end of the last school year she brought home an excellent report card (yeah, I know, a report card for a 3-year-old, what's up with that?) They gave her glowing reports on her performance despite initial unfamiliarity w/ the language.
This weekend we had an escalation of the scared/anxious theme at a swimming class. For a couple of years we have taken our two daughters (now 4 and 2 1/2) to a free-form "baby swimming" class at a local pool. This year the 4-year-old was meant to start a more structured class and we were hopeful since over the summer she has become much more bold in the water when at the beach. But once the class started and its structured format became apparent she freaked out, started crying and had to be taken out of the pool. This is the same pool she has been to before, with the same people, etc. Also, we thought this would work out OK as either myself or the wife would be staying in the water with her. (A previous attempt at a gymnastics class fell apart at separation between mother and daughter). After fleeing the pool in tears we stayed and watched the class, which is actually a class for 3-year-olds, and I showed my daughter how all the other kids were doing the things and their mommies and daddies were there with them and it was all OK, but she wouldn't get back in the water.
I vaguely remember being a little like this as a kid; mostly I remember my mother belittling me for being a sissy. Somehow I outgrew it, but then again my mother would never have stood for the events at the pool. I talked to one of my sisters yesterday and we both agreed that had it been me and my mother in that situation I would have completed the class and done as told. But we both agreed that we lack the extreme parental cruelty required for that outcome.
My question is this…how do we deal with a delicate child? How do we know if she is just a little delicate or if she has actual phobias that need to be dealt with? How often do we give her a pass on things like the gym class and swimming class before she determines that she can quit anything she doesn't want to try to do? What other obstacles can we look forward to as she grows up.
BTW, her little sister has a totally different constitution. I'm sure we could have put her in that same swim class and even at 2 1/2 she would not have had a problem with it.
...glowing reports on her performance despite initial unfamiliarity w/ the language.
...once the class started and its structured format became apparent she freaked out
I take it from this that your daughter's first language is English? Then it seems pretty reasonable for her to be anxious about structured activities which require her to follow instructions in French. Even if she's bilingual now, she's probably had times when she didn't understand what the teachers wanted her to do. Maybe the embarrassment and frustration of those situations has led to a more generalised fear of the classroom. She's afraid she'll get things wrong because she doesn't understand. Some kids are really scared of failure. Maybe you could talk a bit about bilingualism and how all that initial 'failing' was actually a good thing because it helped her learn to speak French?
posted by embrangled at 2:18 AM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
...once the class started and its structured format became apparent she freaked out
I take it from this that your daughter's first language is English? Then it seems pretty reasonable for her to be anxious about structured activities which require her to follow instructions in French. Even if she's bilingual now, she's probably had times when she didn't understand what the teachers wanted her to do. Maybe the embarrassment and frustration of those situations has led to a more generalised fear of the classroom. She's afraid she'll get things wrong because she doesn't understand. Some kids are really scared of failure. Maybe you could talk a bit about bilingualism and how all that initial 'failing' was actually a good thing because it helped her learn to speak French?
posted by embrangled at 2:18 AM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Some kids aren't ready for school at three, in France or anywhere else. I started playgroup at three and loved it; my brother was a bit of a tearaway but had a grand time in nursery from the age of four; and my little sister, bless her, cried and cried every day when they tried to send her. My mother took her out and waited until she was five, by which time she was good and ready and started to enjoy going a lot. Maybe your child needs something other than school at this point. Clearly she needs to be immersed in French, but I'm sure there are less structured, less separated environments where she could learn this stuff. Maybe somewhere where she and her little sister could be together? Extra-sensitive small people are sometimes emboldened by having a smaller person to take care of.
And at four, learning that you are allowed to quit things is not a terrible thing. Most people learn to swim just fine without structured swimming lessons. She's still very little, and it's OK for her to just enjoy the endless mysteries and marvels of being four without having to be trammeled or taught about the inevitability of Hard Work and Responsibility. Those things will come, when she's ready.
posted by Acheman at 3:09 AM on September 18, 2011 [4 favorites]
And at four, learning that you are allowed to quit things is not a terrible thing. Most people learn to swim just fine without structured swimming lessons. She's still very little, and it's OK for her to just enjoy the endless mysteries and marvels of being four without having to be trammeled or taught about the inevitability of Hard Work and Responsibility. Those things will come, when she's ready.
posted by Acheman at 3:09 AM on September 18, 2011 [4 favorites]
I don't have kids so maybe I should stay out of this thread, but when I was your daughter's age I had the exact same fear (actually, it was horror) at the structured swimming class. I remember it vividly I still think about it! I think it can be very overwhelming for a child that small ... For me it was a feeling of intense vulnerability and an unshakeable fear of drowning. This was easily the most traumatic experience of my childhood, and I'm not sure it was rational or that I would have been amenable to logical attempts to get me comfortable with it. I like Acheman's point that it's good for kids to know you can quit things.
posted by jayder at 4:04 AM on September 18, 2011
posted by jayder at 4:04 AM on September 18, 2011
I'm a parent as well and have dealt with this kind of situation years ago with one of my now older kids. I would let your child quit swimming for now -- seconding Acheman.
As for school: for some kids, the rules themselves (being quiet, sitting still, etc), and the constant possibility of getting in trouble for not following them, can be really stressful. She might just start to feel that stress above all else when she thinks about the classroom.
Since you might be expats in France, perhaps you aren't as immersed in the community as some other families? One thing I would do, if you haven't already, is to try and really cultivate an out-of-classroom friendship with one of the other kids in the class. At age 4, I think friendships between children feel most important and authentic to them if the families are involved -- if the friend has been part of the "real" life of the child, in the home -- rather than just playing on the playground or at recess. If you try to get a feel for which child she might enjoy the most in there, and whose parents you might like to visit with, have that kid over as often as you can and try to make a friendship with the family. Getting excited to see a friend in class could possibly create a kind of bridge between her home and what evidently still doesn't feel like her world.
posted by Tylwyth Teg at 5:19 AM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
As for school: for some kids, the rules themselves (being quiet, sitting still, etc), and the constant possibility of getting in trouble for not following them, can be really stressful. She might just start to feel that stress above all else when she thinks about the classroom.
Since you might be expats in France, perhaps you aren't as immersed in the community as some other families? One thing I would do, if you haven't already, is to try and really cultivate an out-of-classroom friendship with one of the other kids in the class. At age 4, I think friendships between children feel most important and authentic to them if the families are involved -- if the friend has been part of the "real" life of the child, in the home -- rather than just playing on the playground or at recess. If you try to get a feel for which child she might enjoy the most in there, and whose parents you might like to visit with, have that kid over as often as you can and try to make a friendship with the family. Getting excited to see a friend in class could possibly create a kind of bridge between her home and what evidently still doesn't feel like her world.
posted by Tylwyth Teg at 5:19 AM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
As a former preschool teacher, I'll add a perspective from a behavioral point of view. You might want to carefully examine your own behavior to see if you're unwittingly reinforcing your daughter's fear and crying. Your confidence in her ability to handle these situations should be paramount, even while you're conveying empathy and understanding over her anxiety. If you are overly anxious yourself, are too solicitous, or spend too much time talking to her about it, she unconsciously learns that her behavior is a powerful way to become the center of your world and her fear and crying continues. Of course, this may not be an issue with you guys at all, but it's worth considering. The director of your child's school is possibly a great resource. They know your child and have dealt with scores of children your child's age. Along with your child's teacher, they will have a strong sense of whether this is a deep anxiety issue or, more likely, a less serious behavioral issue. Best wishes -- hope you get it all sorted out soon.
posted by MelissaSimon at 6:05 AM on September 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by MelissaSimon at 6:05 AM on September 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
"go the places mommies and daddies go"
This seems totally normal to me for anybody who is so young that they are in constant need of adult supervision. It is what children have done for most of human history. My own just-turned-4yo is not interested in activities where the mummies aren't allowed to come along. My solution, admittedly not do-able for everybody: don't do those things.
If I was totally dependent on an adult to get me through the day I do not think I would care to be dependent on a stranger. This stuff seems perfectly reasonable to me, not indicative of any sort of pathological anxiety or other troubling issue. I would only worry about separation anxiety if there were other problems, but everything is great if I'm along and we get a great deal of praise re. her polite/articulate/pleasant interactions with the world at large.
Which admittedly amounts to nothing by way of practical advice, but I wanted to throw out that it's worth considering that this is pretty reasonable behaviour for 4 and not spending time viewing it as abnormal or unreasonable. I am much more distressed by small tots who are so lacking a stable caregiver that they fling themselves in my lap at the library, desperate for adult attention even if it's from a total stranger. I think you will probably get the most mileage, reassurance-wise, out of honest discussions about how some of these things are a bit scary for her; acknowledge the fears, don't soft-soap or minimise. If you...are too solicitous, or spend too much time talking to her about it, she unconsciously learns that her behavior is a powerful way to become the center of your world is, uh, fine; reassurance that she remains the centre of your world even when at school is a good path to take here.
posted by kmennie at 7:39 AM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
This seems totally normal to me for anybody who is so young that they are in constant need of adult supervision. It is what children have done for most of human history. My own just-turned-4yo is not interested in activities where the mummies aren't allowed to come along. My solution, admittedly not do-able for everybody: don't do those things.
If I was totally dependent on an adult to get me through the day I do not think I would care to be dependent on a stranger. This stuff seems perfectly reasonable to me, not indicative of any sort of pathological anxiety or other troubling issue. I would only worry about separation anxiety if there were other problems, but everything is great if I'm along and we get a great deal of praise re. her polite/articulate/pleasant interactions with the world at large.
Which admittedly amounts to nothing by way of practical advice, but I wanted to throw out that it's worth considering that this is pretty reasonable behaviour for 4 and not spending time viewing it as abnormal or unreasonable. I am much more distressed by small tots who are so lacking a stable caregiver that they fling themselves in my lap at the library, desperate for adult attention even if it's from a total stranger. I think you will probably get the most mileage, reassurance-wise, out of honest discussions about how some of these things are a bit scary for her; acknowledge the fears, don't soft-soap or minimise. If you...are too solicitous, or spend too much time talking to her about it, she unconsciously learns that her behavior is a powerful way to become the center of your world is, uh, fine; reassurance that she remains the centre of your world even when at school is a good path to take here.
posted by kmennie at 7:39 AM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
I haven't dealt with this myself, but a good friend of mine has a very anxious small person, and what MelissaSimon says: "As a former preschool teacher, I'll add a perspective from a behavioral point of view. You might want to carefully examine your own behavior to see if you're unwittingly reinforcing your daughter's fear and crying. Your confidence in her ability to handle these situations should be paramount, even while you're conveying empathy and understanding over her anxiety" is what their pediatrician told them and what they've done with pretty good results.
They are understanding and sympathetic about her fears, but they don't treat them as a big deal, because they don't want to reinforce to her that school SHOULD be scared of. It's mostly been a change in parental attitude, from concerned-and-worried to sympathetic-but-cheerful.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:54 AM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
They are understanding and sympathetic about her fears, but they don't treat them as a big deal, because they don't want to reinforce to her that school SHOULD be scared of. It's mostly been a change in parental attitude, from concerned-and-worried to sympathetic-but-cheerful.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:54 AM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
As an anxious adult who started having panic attacks as a teenager, I remember vividly my mother saying something like, "But you've always been like this!" I remember being so angry at her, like she knew but didn't do anything to fix it. All those years, I self-affirmed my own anxious responses without her trying to help because she just assumed it was my temperament.
Things are different now than when I was raised. You can get your daughter help, take her to a cognitive behaviorist, and work with a therapist yourself to figure out how to help her without inadvertently affirming her anxiety. Some people are more high-strung, it's true, but you can help stop it before it becomes clinical anxiety.
posted by juniperesque at 9:22 AM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Things are different now than when I was raised. You can get your daughter help, take her to a cognitive behaviorist, and work with a therapist yourself to figure out how to help her without inadvertently affirming her anxiety. Some people are more high-strung, it's true, but you can help stop it before it becomes clinical anxiety.
posted by juniperesque at 9:22 AM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I have to say my initial reaction is that if she's not ready, she's just not ready. 3 and 4 years old is so YOUNG to assume a kid can handle all-day school. Sure, some kids will do just fine but others will not and I don't think that's abnormal for this age.
I see nothing wrong with not doing swimming classes until she's comfortable with them. SHE'S FOUR. School sounds like plenty for her to cope with right now without this added expectation. She doesn't need to have structured outside activities at four if she can't handle them yet - I'd suggest finding something more free-form for her to do. Kids should be spending lots of time in free-form play anyway; that's their "work" as kids, and it helps them grow and learn so many ways. More structure is not better for little kids.
I don't see this as her learning that "she can just quit stuff she doesn't like" because she doesn't have a lot of agency here. If she chose to do something and then she wants to drop out of it - at that point your job is to help her follow through. But it doesn't sound like this is something she chose to do, but more like it's something you're putting on her to do, to please you, and she can't bring herself to it, and that's just a whole can of worms to unpack right there.
Kids have so little control over their worlds - it's important to teach them that they do have the agency to say "no" when they're uncomfortable, I would even say especially so for little girls who are put under a LOT of pressure to conform, and be nice, and not express themselves. But just in general, I'm sure you can think of both good and bad situations where you would want your child to feel they can speak up (and be taken seriously)! I know from experience there's a fine line to walk between giving a kid their necessary space but not allowing them to be manipulative - but no one said parenting is easy!
The impression I get from your question is more like it's being viewed as something is wrong with her, that she deviates from the norm, rather than something is wrong with the system that expects more from small children than they're capable of. I think the bilingual point made above makes so much sense as well.
Another thing I am hearing in your question is that you are not fully comfortable with it yourself ("As Americans it is strange to us" and "report cards for 3 year olds, what's up with that?) and yet you're kind of squashing your own reactions as you try to get her to "fit in" with the norms there. Maybe it would do to examine why you're kind of pushing aside your own feelings about it, and trying to override the feelings she's expressing too? I really feel for this little girl, frankly, it sounds like she's trying so hard to cope with being in over her head of what she's comfortable with; I remember so well being little and scared to do certain new things, anxious and in knots, trying to sleep but couldn't stop thinking about it; I would have appreciated some understanding, rather than dismissiveness! And I think you can identify with that too, that comes through to me in what you've written.
Actually I just read this question out loud to my husband and he says: "My initial reaction when I was confronted with a similar situation was that, of course, the kid needs to conform, they need to get over this anxiety - basically, you know, *I* would've been "straightened out" by my parents, so my kid should be able to "straighten out" as well and toe the line. And the feeling there is: if they can't, there's something wrong with them.
But what I've learned after volunteering at our co-op preschool for five years now is that this is definitely a guy reaction - you know, "suck it up, kid", "power through", this is what guys are usually told to do in dealing with difficult situations. I've come to realize that this kind of anxiety with school is not unusual with little kids - and the best way to address it is to help your child feel more comfortable; maybe spending more time with her at school instead of dropping her off and leaving, or even have breakfast at school, to help her transition better. But there is nothing wrong with how she is feeling, and as a parent your job is to help her learn to make this transition rather than be frustrated she can't do it on her own yet - some kids really need more assistance with this than others, and that's okay."
posted by flex at 11:08 AM on September 18, 2011 [4 favorites]
I see nothing wrong with not doing swimming classes until she's comfortable with them. SHE'S FOUR. School sounds like plenty for her to cope with right now without this added expectation. She doesn't need to have structured outside activities at four if she can't handle them yet - I'd suggest finding something more free-form for her to do. Kids should be spending lots of time in free-form play anyway; that's their "work" as kids, and it helps them grow and learn so many ways. More structure is not better for little kids.
I don't see this as her learning that "she can just quit stuff she doesn't like" because she doesn't have a lot of agency here. If she chose to do something and then she wants to drop out of it - at that point your job is to help her follow through. But it doesn't sound like this is something she chose to do, but more like it's something you're putting on her to do, to please you, and she can't bring herself to it, and that's just a whole can of worms to unpack right there.
Kids have so little control over their worlds - it's important to teach them that they do have the agency to say "no" when they're uncomfortable, I would even say especially so for little girls who are put under a LOT of pressure to conform, and be nice, and not express themselves. But just in general, I'm sure you can think of both good and bad situations where you would want your child to feel they can speak up (and be taken seriously)! I know from experience there's a fine line to walk between giving a kid their necessary space but not allowing them to be manipulative - but no one said parenting is easy!
The impression I get from your question is more like it's being viewed as something is wrong with her, that she deviates from the norm, rather than something is wrong with the system that expects more from small children than they're capable of. I think the bilingual point made above makes so much sense as well.
Another thing I am hearing in your question is that you are not fully comfortable with it yourself ("As Americans it is strange to us" and "report cards for 3 year olds, what's up with that?) and yet you're kind of squashing your own reactions as you try to get her to "fit in" with the norms there. Maybe it would do to examine why you're kind of pushing aside your own feelings about it, and trying to override the feelings she's expressing too? I really feel for this little girl, frankly, it sounds like she's trying so hard to cope with being in over her head of what she's comfortable with; I remember so well being little and scared to do certain new things, anxious and in knots, trying to sleep but couldn't stop thinking about it; I would have appreciated some understanding, rather than dismissiveness! And I think you can identify with that too, that comes through to me in what you've written.
Actually I just read this question out loud to my husband and he says: "My initial reaction when I was confronted with a similar situation was that, of course, the kid needs to conform, they need to get over this anxiety - basically, you know, *I* would've been "straightened out" by my parents, so my kid should be able to "straighten out" as well and toe the line. And the feeling there is: if they can't, there's something wrong with them.
But what I've learned after volunteering at our co-op preschool for five years now is that this is definitely a guy reaction - you know, "suck it up, kid", "power through", this is what guys are usually told to do in dealing with difficult situations. I've come to realize that this kind of anxiety with school is not unusual with little kids - and the best way to address it is to help your child feel more comfortable; maybe spending more time with her at school instead of dropping her off and leaving, or even have breakfast at school, to help her transition better. But there is nothing wrong with how she is feeling, and as a parent your job is to help her learn to make this transition rather than be frustrated she can't do it on her own yet - some kids really need more assistance with this than others, and that's okay."
posted by flex at 11:08 AM on September 18, 2011 [4 favorites]
Don't know if school in France is mandatory at this age or not, but, if it is, let this be your battle. Swimming lessons/gym class can wait. Four is still a little kid. If she's a horrifically undisciplined and anxious child in other aspects of life (can't be more than two feet away from you at all times, won't play with other kids at the park, disobeys you left and right...) then, ask for some help. But if it's just school where she's still in classes where she doesn't fully understand the language and she calms down after a few minutes of you being gone? Meh. I don't see why you have to assign an anxiety disorder to her or anything at four years old. Don't make it a frequent topic of conversation to ask abut her anxiousness to the point of self-fulfilling prophecy, but some kids are just more shy and anxious than others. I was very anxious and distressed at times about lots of dumb things as a kid that didn't make sense to an adults around me and honestly, my parents chose their battles. Some things (like school) you have to do because you have to push through those fears because That's Life. Those things they gave me confidence about and encouraged me that I Could Do It. Other things aren't so important in the scheme of things, not worth stressing out a four year old about. Plenty of otherwise rational, smart adults get anxious about situations where they don't feel in control, and we don't have the handicap of being only four years around the sun, unable to understand how to deal with these crazy emotions we have.
posted by takoukla at 1:06 PM on September 18, 2011
posted by takoukla at 1:06 PM on September 18, 2011
Have you asked her about other kids at the school? A nightly reaction like that is a sign of a child that's being bullied. It may not be recognized as such by the adults - we forget that each generation experiences things completely differently than we do, and bullying takes on new forms with each generation too - and it starts very early. The teachers themselves may fail/be unable to recognize it or communicate it.
posted by medea42 at 2:33 PM on September 18, 2011
posted by medea42 at 2:33 PM on September 18, 2011
I was that four year old. I sincerely wish, in retrospect, that my parents had let me stay out of those situations for a year or two. I needed more time. I'm the parent of a three year old now, and if I saw what you are describing, I'd yank her from that activity. She seems more comfortable with that stuff than I was -- she's a different person -- but if I saw it, I'd give her more time.
I can talk more about it via MeMail, if you're interested.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:58 PM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
I can talk more about it via MeMail, if you're interested.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:58 PM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Really try to view this from her perspective: Mommy and Daddy are telling me that they are going to leave me alone in this scary situation.
Part of the issue is that three-year-olds don't always have a clear understanding of time. Ask her how many hours she is at school each day and listen to her response (24? 12? etc.). from her perspective, she could very well well abandoned for an unknown amount of time (because her understanding of time is not complete) in a place where she can't entirely understand the language.
The problem with the "just do it! push threw your fears and don't quit!" is that the child may not developmentally be ready to accomplish what you are asking of them. Her aversion with school may very well be because she is not able to interact socially with people who do not speak her native language, or because she is not ready to be "out on her own" as she sees it. If you constantly push a child to do something that is out of their developmental reach then you risk them failing and hating themselves for not living up to the standards that you set for them.
Also, try to remember that though she got a stellar report card, that is probably meaningless to her. She has her own three year old version of rating whether she "passed" or "failed" that may be wildly different then your own. If the other children are, say, not interacting with her due to her differentness (possibly due to the language barrier) then she may view herself as a "failure" in school even if she passed with flying colors. If she is uncomfortable being away from her parents but she sees that other student are not, she may see that as failing as well.
One thing that I would recommend (having been in your daughters position myself), is to remove the sense of "wrongness" that may be associated with her fear. Realistically, you are probably not going to be able to parent her into being fearless, but you can make her feel that being afraid sometimes is OK and natural, that even mommy and daddy are afraid sometimes and in those situations they realize that it is OK to feel afraid while they try something new.
In my situation, it was not the fear that was truly the problem. The amplifier that made every fear a serious issue was the combination of the original fear plus the anxiety of "I am bad for feeling this way" and "I am letting mommy and daddy down by feeling this way".
posted by Shouraku at 8:27 PM on September 18, 2011
Part of the issue is that three-year-olds don't always have a clear understanding of time. Ask her how many hours she is at school each day and listen to her response (24? 12? etc.). from her perspective, she could very well well abandoned for an unknown amount of time (because her understanding of time is not complete) in a place where she can't entirely understand the language.
The problem with the "just do it! push threw your fears and don't quit!" is that the child may not developmentally be ready to accomplish what you are asking of them. Her aversion with school may very well be because she is not able to interact socially with people who do not speak her native language, or because she is not ready to be "out on her own" as she sees it. If you constantly push a child to do something that is out of their developmental reach then you risk them failing and hating themselves for not living up to the standards that you set for them.
Also, try to remember that though she got a stellar report card, that is probably meaningless to her. She has her own three year old version of rating whether she "passed" or "failed" that may be wildly different then your own. If the other children are, say, not interacting with her due to her differentness (possibly due to the language barrier) then she may view herself as a "failure" in school even if she passed with flying colors. If she is uncomfortable being away from her parents but she sees that other student are not, she may see that as failing as well.
One thing that I would recommend (having been in your daughters position myself), is to remove the sense of "wrongness" that may be associated with her fear. Realistically, you are probably not going to be able to parent her into being fearless, but you can make her feel that being afraid sometimes is OK and natural, that even mommy and daddy are afraid sometimes and in those situations they realize that it is OK to feel afraid while they try something new.
In my situation, it was not the fear that was truly the problem. The amplifier that made every fear a serious issue was the combination of the original fear plus the anxiety of "I am bad for feeling this way" and "I am letting mommy and daddy down by feeling this way".
posted by Shouraku at 8:27 PM on September 18, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks, MeFites, for taking some of your Sunday to point us in the right direction.
posted by pandabearjohnson at 2:43 PM on September 19, 2011
posted by pandabearjohnson at 2:43 PM on September 19, 2011
Response by poster: Since posting this we have discovered the book The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron. This book has worked a miracle in our understanding of our child. I can't recommend it enough to anyone who stumbles on this post and actually reads this far!
posted by pandabearjohnson at 2:21 PM on March 23, 2012
posted by pandabearjohnson at 2:21 PM on March 23, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
I know as a child I would get overwhelmed by having to participate in something unfamiliar and hated surprises so I liked to be shown things first and then I was confident enough to do them myself.
posted by mleigh at 12:53 AM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]