Am I a pushover?
August 22, 2011 2:37 PM Subscribe
I suspect that I am becoming a pushover in my relationship—how can I reverse this trend?
My girlfriend and I (she is 26, I am 27) have been together for nine months and living together quite happily for the last two.
Over the course of the last four months or so, I have noticed that things have gradually moved from an area where we would compromise or agree to something to a place where if it isn’t what she wants or how she wants it, it doesn't happen. Feel free to apply this to all aspects of any normal relationship.
I am a school teacher with a very predictable schedule, excellent salary, and plenty of free time during the week, which I spend at the gym, cooking, or reading in the evenings. She is a 2L (second year of law school) with a vastly different schedule than mine—however, we always go to bed together and wake up together. We also make it a point to eat at least one meal a day together—usually a dinner that I have cooked. We always make time for ourselves to have personal space and a date night and we adore each other’s families.
She is very different from me, which is what attracted me to her in the first place; she loves air conditioning and sleeping with just a sheet, whereas I get a runny nose and a sore throat if I am cold when I sleep. I have an aversion to air conditioning. She loves dance and ballet, whereas I can’t tell my left from my right. She can sing, whereas I can speak Russian.
We agreed in late May to only use the air conditioning if we both found it was too hot…but a few weeks later anything over 72F/22C was “too hot” and the thing hasn’t been switched off since. As for sex, I think my libido is pretty high—I could have sex once or twice a day. She could go a week. She said this is due to the fact that her OB/Gyn says her only oral contraceptive option is Yaz(min?) given her hormonal makeup. She also takes a low-dose of some anti-anxiety medication once a day. She says that these two serve to greatly decrease her libido.
I haven’t been sick, at all, since I was a child. I haven't had a prescription in my entire adult life, even with regular doctor visits. Barring extreme temperatures, I sleep like a rock and can fall asleep in seconds. She on the other hand has suffered from insomnia most of her life.
The other night after coming home from a movie, she asked me if I could sleep in the second bedroom because she isn't able to sleep with me when it is so hot (it was 85F outside and our AC was on). It had been a week since we had had sex, as well. I said no. She relented, but I don’t think that was the last I will hear of it.
So, given my easier schedule and extremely low stress at work, should I just give in more (picking restaurants, movies, when to go to bed, whom we hang out with, etc) to make her happy?
Does the fact that we only have sex when she wants to, no matter what, or that she felt comfortable asking me to leave our bed so she could sleep better mean that she sees me as a pushover? I view myself as a pretty assertive, out-going guy despite all of this, but I don't like where this is going.
What have you done to restore balance in your relationships?
My girlfriend and I (she is 26, I am 27) have been together for nine months and living together quite happily for the last two.
Over the course of the last four months or so, I have noticed that things have gradually moved from an area where we would compromise or agree to something to a place where if it isn’t what she wants or how she wants it, it doesn't happen. Feel free to apply this to all aspects of any normal relationship.
I am a school teacher with a very predictable schedule, excellent salary, and plenty of free time during the week, which I spend at the gym, cooking, or reading in the evenings. She is a 2L (second year of law school) with a vastly different schedule than mine—however, we always go to bed together and wake up together. We also make it a point to eat at least one meal a day together—usually a dinner that I have cooked. We always make time for ourselves to have personal space and a date night and we adore each other’s families.
She is very different from me, which is what attracted me to her in the first place; she loves air conditioning and sleeping with just a sheet, whereas I get a runny nose and a sore throat if I am cold when I sleep. I have an aversion to air conditioning. She loves dance and ballet, whereas I can’t tell my left from my right. She can sing, whereas I can speak Russian.
We agreed in late May to only use the air conditioning if we both found it was too hot…but a few weeks later anything over 72F/22C was “too hot” and the thing hasn’t been switched off since. As for sex, I think my libido is pretty high—I could have sex once or twice a day. She could go a week. She said this is due to the fact that her OB/Gyn says her only oral contraceptive option is Yaz(min?) given her hormonal makeup. She also takes a low-dose of some anti-anxiety medication once a day. She says that these two serve to greatly decrease her libido.
I haven’t been sick, at all, since I was a child. I haven't had a prescription in my entire adult life, even with regular doctor visits. Barring extreme temperatures, I sleep like a rock and can fall asleep in seconds. She on the other hand has suffered from insomnia most of her life.
The other night after coming home from a movie, she asked me if I could sleep in the second bedroom because she isn't able to sleep with me when it is so hot (it was 85F outside and our AC was on). It had been a week since we had had sex, as well. I said no. She relented, but I don’t think that was the last I will hear of it.
So, given my easier schedule and extremely low stress at work, should I just give in more (picking restaurants, movies, when to go to bed, whom we hang out with, etc) to make her happy?
Does the fact that we only have sex when she wants to, no matter what, or that she felt comfortable asking me to leave our bed so she could sleep better mean that she sees me as a pushover? I view myself as a pretty assertive, out-going guy despite all of this, but I don't like where this is going.
What have you done to restore balance in your relationships?
I'm . . . sort of boggled that you believe the power balance is completely skewed based on these examples. But I'll tackle the two you mention one at a time anyway:
-Sleeping differences. It's hard to sleep with other people. My husband has insomnia and sometimes wakes me up when he can't sleep and starts fidgeting to all high hell. I've asked him to leave the bed so I can get to sleep. It doesn't mean he's a pushover. It means that we both recognize the importance of getting decent sleep. He also isn't all that heat sensitive. I am. I get to decide when we put the AC on. What, do you think that she's lying about feeling hot? Just because you share the same bed doesn't mean that you need to share the same blankets. Just get another twin-sized blanket and cover only yourself. Hell, some couples even sleep in separate beds or bedrooms. If you have to do that, it's fine. It doesn't make her a princess and it doesn't mean you're whipped. It just means that you're normal people with different sleep needs.
-Sex: it's normal that the low desire partner dictates how often sex is had in a relationship. Relationships are all about working around differences like this. Is she happy having sex only once a week? If you knew this was the case, would you be contented in the relationship? It's possible that she's not willing to change, in which case you need to make a decision to be with her or not based on that. But there are ways to compromise: you can have once or twice weekly date nights where you schedule sex, you can ask for sex later during a neutral time ("Hey, morning--sex after dinner tonight? No? How about tomorrow?") to give her adequate time to prepare. She might even be willing to switch medicines or try another birth control (hormonal options aren't your only options: there are also condoms and IUDs), but you won't know that unless you talk to her.
Honestly, I think you're conflating a bunch of things. I suspect that your frustration with your sex life is causing you to see other things--the meals eaten together, the A/C issues, the fact that she takes medication--through a skewed, overly negative lens. And I honestly don't think any of them "mean" anything. I think you need to work out your sex issues with her through communication and compromise and the rest of this stuff will sort of fall into place.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:54 PM on August 22, 2011 [17 favorites]
-Sleeping differences. It's hard to sleep with other people. My husband has insomnia and sometimes wakes me up when he can't sleep and starts fidgeting to all high hell. I've asked him to leave the bed so I can get to sleep. It doesn't mean he's a pushover. It means that we both recognize the importance of getting decent sleep. He also isn't all that heat sensitive. I am. I get to decide when we put the AC on. What, do you think that she's lying about feeling hot? Just because you share the same bed doesn't mean that you need to share the same blankets. Just get another twin-sized blanket and cover only yourself. Hell, some couples even sleep in separate beds or bedrooms. If you have to do that, it's fine. It doesn't make her a princess and it doesn't mean you're whipped. It just means that you're normal people with different sleep needs.
-Sex: it's normal that the low desire partner dictates how often sex is had in a relationship. Relationships are all about working around differences like this. Is she happy having sex only once a week? If you knew this was the case, would you be contented in the relationship? It's possible that she's not willing to change, in which case you need to make a decision to be with her or not based on that. But there are ways to compromise: you can have once or twice weekly date nights where you schedule sex, you can ask for sex later during a neutral time ("Hey, morning--sex after dinner tonight? No? How about tomorrow?") to give her adequate time to prepare. She might even be willing to switch medicines or try another birth control (hormonal options aren't your only options: there are also condoms and IUDs), but you won't know that unless you talk to her.
Honestly, I think you're conflating a bunch of things. I suspect that your frustration with your sex life is causing you to see other things--the meals eaten together, the A/C issues, the fact that she takes medication--through a skewed, overly negative lens. And I honestly don't think any of them "mean" anything. I think you need to work out your sex issues with her through communication and compromise and the rest of this stuff will sort of fall into place.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:54 PM on August 22, 2011 [17 favorites]
Does the fact that we only have sex when she wants to, no matter what, or that she felt comfortable asking me to leave our bed so she could sleep better mean that she sees me as a pushover?
Your question is so flabbergasting that I wonder if you are trolling. She has every right to both of those things. Would you like her to be so intimidated by you so that she would not feel comfortable declining sex or asking you to leave the bed when she can't sleep? Refusing to leave a room when somebody asks you to is borderline abusive. If you don't like sleeping alone sometimes, or the frequency with which you have sex, discuss it respectfully and see if you can come to an agreement. If not, do her a favor and move on.
posted by Wordwoman at 2:55 PM on August 22, 2011 [29 favorites]
Your question is so flabbergasting that I wonder if you are trolling. She has every right to both of those things. Would you like her to be so intimidated by you so that she would not feel comfortable declining sex or asking you to leave the bed when she can't sleep? Refusing to leave a room when somebody asks you to is borderline abusive. If you don't like sleeping alone sometimes, or the frequency with which you have sex, discuss it respectfully and see if you can come to an agreement. If not, do her a favor and move on.
posted by Wordwoman at 2:55 PM on August 22, 2011 [29 favorites]
Also, please don't listen to eas98. I know it's tempting, but I'm a woman and I don't want to be pushed around by some alpha dude. I want a partner who will compromise on issues on a case-by-case basis and generally act like a reasonable person. I'm sure your girlfriend is the same.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:56 PM on August 22, 2011 [9 favorites]
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:56 PM on August 22, 2011 [9 favorites]
Refusing to leave a room when somebody asks you to is borderline abusive.
That is some straight up batshit nonsense. A person has a right to sleep in his own fucking bedroom. The person who doesn't like sleeping with another person in hot weather is the person who needs to get up and sleep somewhere else than the shared bed if they want to do something about it.
posted by enn at 3:02 PM on August 22, 2011 [29 favorites]
That is some straight up batshit nonsense. A person has a right to sleep in his own fucking bedroom. The person who doesn't like sleeping with another person in hot weather is the person who needs to get up and sleep somewhere else than the shared bed if they want to do something about it.
posted by enn at 3:02 PM on August 22, 2011 [29 favorites]
Well, part of having sex with someone is being able to decline. Just because you can have sex and want sex, doesn't mean that she has to always say yes. She might be super-stressed out with school stuff, you never know.
That being said, sleeping with someone can be challenging. I've had exes in the past who were fidgeters who drove me crazy. I also was in a LTR with an ex who had sleep apnea and refused to see a doctor for the first four years that we spent together - my breaking point was when I became so sleep deprived that I got really, really sick. (He finally ended up getting a CPAP machine and a diagnosis of a rather severe case). As a female who has zero tolerance for temperature fluctuations at night, I'd probably be just as hot and bothered by a warm room and warm body next to me.
I don't think you're being a pushover, but I'd just file it in the back of your mind. It just sounds like you're comfortable together and compromising. The key is to see if she'll do the same for you.
posted by floweredfish at 3:06 PM on August 22, 2011
That being said, sleeping with someone can be challenging. I've had exes in the past who were fidgeters who drove me crazy. I also was in a LTR with an ex who had sleep apnea and refused to see a doctor for the first four years that we spent together - my breaking point was when I became so sleep deprived that I got really, really sick. (He finally ended up getting a CPAP machine and a diagnosis of a rather severe case). As a female who has zero tolerance for temperature fluctuations at night, I'd probably be just as hot and bothered by a warm room and warm body next to me.
I don't think you're being a pushover, but I'd just file it in the back of your mind. It just sounds like you're comfortable together and compromising. The key is to see if she'll do the same for you.
posted by floweredfish at 3:06 PM on August 22, 2011
(I have never shared a room with a partner - that is, in the long term - because I am a very fussy sleeper and wake easily. If you both have really different sleep needs and a spare room, you might find that a window air conditioner for her solves a lot of problems.)
Something about this question reads like what you're mad about is the sex and the rest is a proxy - particularly the part where you wrote that she asked you to sleep apart and you hadn't had sex in a week, as if that made it worse.
Not super-sanguine about a relationship where the sex is tapering off after only nine months, myself.
The whole " does she think I'm a pushover" thing is a red herring - if your girlfriend is really machiavellian to the point where she's thinking "aha, this guy will do WHATEVER I TELL HIM, JUST AS I PLANNED", you need to break up, stat. But most people don't think that way.
If she's in law school and super-stressed, I suggest that you pick the things you care least about - restaurants, movies or whatever - and simply let her choose, thus saving your negotiating points for things you really care about, like sex.
posted by Frowner at 3:10 PM on August 22, 2011
Something about this question reads like what you're mad about is the sex and the rest is a proxy - particularly the part where you wrote that she asked you to sleep apart and you hadn't had sex in a week, as if that made it worse.
Not super-sanguine about a relationship where the sex is tapering off after only nine months, myself.
The whole " does she think I'm a pushover" thing is a red herring - if your girlfriend is really machiavellian to the point where she's thinking "aha, this guy will do WHATEVER I TELL HIM, JUST AS I PLANNED", you need to break up, stat. But most people don't think that way.
If she's in law school and super-stressed, I suggest that you pick the things you care least about - restaurants, movies or whatever - and simply let her choose, thus saving your negotiating points for things you really care about, like sex.
posted by Frowner at 3:10 PM on August 22, 2011
I am concerned that you have a belief that you must be running the relationship or that everything must be a compromise. Sometimes, things can't be sharesies. I am guessing that the only AC is in the bedroom. If it isn't, perhaps you could talk to her about who could sleep in the second bedroom. It seems reasonable that, if she's too hot to sleep with you, one of you should sleep elsewhere. If the only a/c is in the master bedroom, then the person who is a cool temperature sleeper should sleep in the other bedroom. (At least until you buy another a/c or until the temperature falls.)
As for sex, if she doesn't want to have sex, she doesn't want to have sex. Do you really want her to have sex with you when she doesn't want to? She has the right to say no. And it makes sense that her medication is decreasing her libido. It sounds like she has talked to her doctor about this. Moreover, she has a heavy workload and that too would affect her sex drive. To help, you might look at more ways to connect with her, help her be rested, plan nice date nights, strive for balance in household duties (noting that sometimes that might mean you take on more, since she is in law school) and so on. If you are serious about a LTR with her, you may need to accept that sex will not happen all the time, like it did in the early days. If that is a deal breaker for you, then it is a deal breaker.
The words and language you are using in your post sound very angry and power-based. It may just be me reading your words on the page and your tone may not actually be that way in your head. But terms like "the last I will hear or it", "pushover" and "should I just give in more...?" are sticking out for me. I wonder if this relationship is the right one for you or if you need to do something together to work on anger and resentment. Perhaps you would benefit from couples counselling. Are you comfortable talking to your girlfriend about these issues? How does she react? Does she make compromises for you sometimes too? Does she realize these issues are so important to you?
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 3:12 PM on August 22, 2011 [9 favorites]
As for sex, if she doesn't want to have sex, she doesn't want to have sex. Do you really want her to have sex with you when she doesn't want to? She has the right to say no. And it makes sense that her medication is decreasing her libido. It sounds like she has talked to her doctor about this. Moreover, she has a heavy workload and that too would affect her sex drive. To help, you might look at more ways to connect with her, help her be rested, plan nice date nights, strive for balance in household duties (noting that sometimes that might mean you take on more, since she is in law school) and so on. If you are serious about a LTR with her, you may need to accept that sex will not happen all the time, like it did in the early days. If that is a deal breaker for you, then it is a deal breaker.
The words and language you are using in your post sound very angry and power-based. It may just be me reading your words on the page and your tone may not actually be that way in your head. But terms like "the last I will hear or it", "pushover" and "should I just give in more...?" are sticking out for me. I wonder if this relationship is the right one for you or if you need to do something together to work on anger and resentment. Perhaps you would benefit from couples counselling. Are you comfortable talking to your girlfriend about these issues? How does she react? Does she make compromises for you sometimes too? Does she realize these issues are so important to you?
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 3:12 PM on August 22, 2011 [9 favorites]
It sounds like you want to be an alpha in your relationship. I respect that -- and I think a lot of women are attracted to alphas. I am.
But you should also understand that a true alpha doesn't need to worry about if they're being pushed around. They don't need to maintain balance just for the sake of maintaining balance. They don't worry about who's "winning more." They have no fear of the slippery slope, because they have total confidence in their position and their status.
And, an alpha uses their position and status not to control others, but to lead them, and secure happiness and stability for everyone. An alpha takes pleasure in generosity and kindness because these things are no threat to their position. An alpha cares for the "needs of the pack" and in so doing wins their loyalty, dependence and trust.
An alpha fights for what they need, but only if they actually need it.
How does this apply to your situation? I think you should be clear and open about your needs, expecting them to be met by your partner to the best of her ability. You should be able to request more sex and a warmer bedroom feeling confident that she will do her very best to meet your needs. I don't mean you should demand it, but I think you should communicate you value yourself and you believe you deserve happiness (whether or not she is the person who is capable of supplying it).
However, you should also take pleasure in meeting her needs. You should be able to offer whatever you can to make her life easier and more joyful, especially since it seems she's experiencing a lot of stress already. Your ability to take care of her and protect her from pain is a point in favor of your status, not a point against it.
Most of all, focus on making both partners as happy and content as possible, don't fight bullshit battles over some symbolic point of fairness.
posted by crackingdes at 3:14 PM on August 22, 2011 [6 favorites]
But you should also understand that a true alpha doesn't need to worry about if they're being pushed around. They don't need to maintain balance just for the sake of maintaining balance. They don't worry about who's "winning more." They have no fear of the slippery slope, because they have total confidence in their position and their status.
And, an alpha uses their position and status not to control others, but to lead them, and secure happiness and stability for everyone. An alpha takes pleasure in generosity and kindness because these things are no threat to their position. An alpha cares for the "needs of the pack" and in so doing wins their loyalty, dependence and trust.
An alpha fights for what they need, but only if they actually need it.
How does this apply to your situation? I think you should be clear and open about your needs, expecting them to be met by your partner to the best of her ability. You should be able to request more sex and a warmer bedroom feeling confident that she will do her very best to meet your needs. I don't mean you should demand it, but I think you should communicate you value yourself and you believe you deserve happiness (whether or not she is the person who is capable of supplying it).
However, you should also take pleasure in meeting her needs. You should be able to offer whatever you can to make her life easier and more joyful, especially since it seems she's experiencing a lot of stress already. Your ability to take care of her and protect her from pain is a point in favor of your status, not a point against it.
Most of all, focus on making both partners as happy and content as possible, don't fight bullshit battles over some symbolic point of fairness.
posted by crackingdes at 3:14 PM on August 22, 2011 [6 favorites]
She asked me if I could sleep in the second bedroom because she isn't able to sleep with me when it is so hot (it was 85F outside and our AC was on). It had been a week since we had had sex, as well. I said no.
Wait. What? For one thing, the second sentence has nothing to do with the first. For another, do you just really hate the second bedroom? Can she sleep in the second bedroom? I'm assuming she wanted you to move because it would aggravate her insomnia to be in the second bedroom, but I really can't tell. If not, it does make more sense for her to sleep in the second bedroom if she's the one that feels like being alone. If it does, you could easily do the nice thing of sleeping in the second bedroom without being considered a "pushover."
I have no idea what you having an excellent constitution has to do with one thing whatsoever. (And doesn't that kind of contradict your claim about getting a cold from sleeping under the AC?) It's not a personal attack on you if she gets colds or the flu. Or insomnia.
I'm not touching the sex thing at all, because I am sure people who have done much more research on the issue will chime in. But drawing the conclusion based on different libidos (one of them possibly medication exacerbated) and differed preferred sleeping environments she's walking all over you is bizarre. You might should have given more day to day examples of movie/meal picking, because based on this, it sounds like you're just really upset about the sex frequency but want to turn it into her being a horrible, controlling person.
posted by wending my way at 3:14 PM on August 22, 2011 [6 favorites]
Wait. What? For one thing, the second sentence has nothing to do with the first. For another, do you just really hate the second bedroom? Can she sleep in the second bedroom? I'm assuming she wanted you to move because it would aggravate her insomnia to be in the second bedroom, but I really can't tell. If not, it does make more sense for her to sleep in the second bedroom if she's the one that feels like being alone. If it does, you could easily do the nice thing of sleeping in the second bedroom without being considered a "pushover."
I have no idea what you having an excellent constitution has to do with one thing whatsoever. (And doesn't that kind of contradict your claim about getting a cold from sleeping under the AC?) It's not a personal attack on you if she gets colds or the flu. Or insomnia.
I'm not touching the sex thing at all, because I am sure people who have done much more research on the issue will chime in. But drawing the conclusion based on different libidos (one of them possibly medication exacerbated) and differed preferred sleeping environments she's walking all over you is bizarre. You might should have given more day to day examples of movie/meal picking, because based on this, it sounds like you're just really upset about the sex frequency but want to turn it into her being a horrible, controlling person.
posted by wending my way at 3:14 PM on August 22, 2011 [6 favorites]
You guys need to talk; sounds like she's pretty high-maintenance about the sleep stuff and you have some offbeat ideas about how compromise works. Both are fine, but you should probably be aware of your mutual quirks and have plans in place to deal with them.
One thing to try is to stop thinking about "giving in" when you agree to do what she wants. It's normal for partners to want different things, and for them to follow Partner A's preferences some of the time and Parter B's the rest of the time. It doesn't mean that either one is "giving in" or losing or being a pushover when they do what the other partner wants. It just means that they're compromising and coexisting peacefully.
Some more specific thoughts - I think that generally when one person has much higher standards about something, he or she should be the one to take care of it or yield. This *doesn't* mean that you should sleep happily at 85F while she sweats and stays up all night; rather, that she should probably be the one to go sleep in the second bedroom with the AC cranked as high as she wants, and that you shouldn't guilt her about it. If there are circumstances that make this difficult...well, you could sleep with an extra blanked or two in a cold room and not suffer. It's up to you on if that is a *compromise* you are willing to make.
The sex thing - this is a case where your standards are much higher or tougher to meet than hers in your partnership. Would you want her to force herself to have sex with you when she doesn't want to? Yikes! Take care of yourself if you need it twice a day. And talk with her about that, too—maybe she would be willing to compromise and would find X activity totally unobjectionable a couple times a week even if she's not in the mood for PIV sex.
posted by peachfuzz at 3:29 PM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
One thing to try is to stop thinking about "giving in" when you agree to do what she wants. It's normal for partners to want different things, and for them to follow Partner A's preferences some of the time and Parter B's the rest of the time. It doesn't mean that either one is "giving in" or losing or being a pushover when they do what the other partner wants. It just means that they're compromising and coexisting peacefully.
Some more specific thoughts - I think that generally when one person has much higher standards about something, he or she should be the one to take care of it or yield. This *doesn't* mean that you should sleep happily at 85F while she sweats and stays up all night; rather, that she should probably be the one to go sleep in the second bedroom with the AC cranked as high as she wants, and that you shouldn't guilt her about it. If there are circumstances that make this difficult...well, you could sleep with an extra blanked or two in a cold room and not suffer. It's up to you on if that is a *compromise* you are willing to make.
The sex thing - this is a case where your standards are much higher or tougher to meet than hers in your partnership. Would you want her to force herself to have sex with you when she doesn't want to? Yikes! Take care of yourself if you need it twice a day. And talk with her about that, too—maybe she would be willing to compromise and would find X activity totally unobjectionable a couple times a week even if she's not in the mood for PIV sex.
posted by peachfuzz at 3:29 PM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
This is honestly one of the weirdest relationship AskMes I've seen, and I'm including the one where the dude's girlfriend didn't wash her butt.
I have no idea what any of the examples you give have to do with 1) each other or 2) you being/not being a pushover. Seriously. You don't get sick but she does? She's not getting sick on purpose! You list, among the differences that attracted you to her, that she likes sleeping the AC, yet one of your biggest gripes about the relationship is that you guys don't like the same sleeping environment. What?
The only thing I'm on your side about is getting to sleep in your own bed. On sitcoms you always see the man get relegated to the couch when the wife is mad, but it's my personal feeling that the one who does not want to sleep with the other one is the one who has to move. Whether it's because you're mad or whether it's because you're more comfortable sleeping alone. So, if your girlfriend wants to sleep alone, she needs to sleep in the second bedroom.
But the sex thing? Dude, back the heck off. You ONLY get to have sex with her when SHE wants to. That is NOT being a pushover, that's having a basic level of human decency. What, do you think you should get to have sex whenever you want, just because she's your girlfriend? That's pretty rapey, bro. You can't do that.
Your other "problems" seem really minor (except that you seem to be reading them in a weird way). But if you really can't deal with only having sex when she's OK with it, you need to end the relationship.
posted by phunniemee at 3:32 PM on August 22, 2011 [30 favorites]
I have no idea what any of the examples you give have to do with 1) each other or 2) you being/not being a pushover. Seriously. You don't get sick but she does? She's not getting sick on purpose! You list, among the differences that attracted you to her, that she likes sleeping the AC, yet one of your biggest gripes about the relationship is that you guys don't like the same sleeping environment. What?
The only thing I'm on your side about is getting to sleep in your own bed. On sitcoms you always see the man get relegated to the couch when the wife is mad, but it's my personal feeling that the one who does not want to sleep with the other one is the one who has to move. Whether it's because you're mad or whether it's because you're more comfortable sleeping alone. So, if your girlfriend wants to sleep alone, she needs to sleep in the second bedroom.
But the sex thing? Dude, back the heck off. You ONLY get to have sex with her when SHE wants to. That is NOT being a pushover, that's having a basic level of human decency. What, do you think you should get to have sex whenever you want, just because she's your girlfriend? That's pretty rapey, bro. You can't do that.
Your other "problems" seem really minor (except that you seem to be reading them in a weird way). But if you really can't deal with only having sex when she's OK with it, you need to end the relationship.
posted by phunniemee at 3:32 PM on August 22, 2011 [30 favorites]
You know there's nothing wrong with sleeping in separate rooms if you prefer different temperatures and an added bonus would be that maybe your girlfriend would like more sex if she wasn't exhausted.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 3:41 PM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 3:41 PM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you've never had the misfortune of insomnia, anxiety, or being a 2L, perhaps you don't understand where your girlfriend is coming from. (I say this as having gone through law school and watched lots of couples break up/divorce due to the stress, particularly during second year.) It doesn't sound like she's asking for you to accommodate her with the intention of controlling you, all the while chuckling, "Haha! I win!" Her mental space is a little crowded with stuff you don't have to deal with. Whether you want to deal with that stuff when it manifests in a lower libido or needing space to get sleep is a separate question.
I see her ability to ask for what she needs as a good thing -- you can talk about it and work it out. Not letting her sleep alone because you hadn't had sex in a week is kind of crummy. Maybe ask *her* to sleep in the second bedroom instead, but to deny a sleep-deprived person some space seems unsupportive.
Being in relationships with people with high-stress school obligations requires you to accommodate your significant other more than if you dated someone with your schedule and wiring. It doesn't make you a pushover.
posted by *s at 4:01 PM on August 22, 2011 [5 favorites]
I see her ability to ask for what she needs as a good thing -- you can talk about it and work it out. Not letting her sleep alone because you hadn't had sex in a week is kind of crummy. Maybe ask *her* to sleep in the second bedroom instead, but to deny a sleep-deprived person some space seems unsupportive.
Being in relationships with people with high-stress school obligations requires you to accommodate your significant other more than if you dated someone with your schedule and wiring. It doesn't make you a pushover.
posted by *s at 4:01 PM on August 22, 2011 [5 favorites]
Something that's helped my boyfriend and I balance out decisions is to rank how important the issue is to us. I can be pretty picky about... well, most things, and my boyfriend is not. But sometimes that means I end up making a decision on something that's important to him and I'm ambivalent about. So, we say to each other: "I'd like pizza for dinner, but that's not a strong preference," or "I'd like to go to bed at 10 tonight, and that's pretty important." It's a lot easier to make decisions and compromises once we got in the habit of evaluating how important something is.
Doing that also helps reinforce that people have genuinely different experiences of the exact same event. There is no objective level of "too hot," for example. You may hit it at 87F, while she hits it at 73F. You may get too cold at 68F, while she gets too cold at 65F. I mention that because it sort of seems like you are frustrated she doesn't experience things the same way you do; simply agreeing to keep the air off til its "too hot" doesn't really solve the issue, for example. She may think she's abiding by the terms of the agreement, while you shiver quietly in the corner without saying anything. She doesn't know you're too cold until you tell her, because there's no possible way she could divine that information. Your question reads to me like you're frustrated because you feel like your preferences are getting railroaded, but I don't think you're communicating those preferences as well as you think you are.
The libido difference is a much more complex issue than air conditioning, and there is no easy answer to that one because it's a lot harder to compromise. You want to be really careful about not asking her, explicitly or implicitly, to "give in" on this issue the way you "give in" about movies/temperature/dinner plans. They're not on the same level. You don't want to create a situation where she feels like she has to have sex with you, even though she doesn't want to, out of a sense of guilt or obligation. That may solve the immediate issue, but sets up a lot of problems down the line.
posted by lilac girl at 4:09 PM on August 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
Doing that also helps reinforce that people have genuinely different experiences of the exact same event. There is no objective level of "too hot," for example. You may hit it at 87F, while she hits it at 73F. You may get too cold at 68F, while she gets too cold at 65F. I mention that because it sort of seems like you are frustrated she doesn't experience things the same way you do; simply agreeing to keep the air off til its "too hot" doesn't really solve the issue, for example. She may think she's abiding by the terms of the agreement, while you shiver quietly in the corner without saying anything. She doesn't know you're too cold until you tell her, because there's no possible way she could divine that information. Your question reads to me like you're frustrated because you feel like your preferences are getting railroaded, but I don't think you're communicating those preferences as well as you think you are.
The libido difference is a much more complex issue than air conditioning, and there is no easy answer to that one because it's a lot harder to compromise. You want to be really careful about not asking her, explicitly or implicitly, to "give in" on this issue the way you "give in" about movies/temperature/dinner plans. They're not on the same level. You don't want to create a situation where she feels like she has to have sex with you, even though she doesn't want to, out of a sense of guilt or obligation. That may solve the immediate issue, but sets up a lot of problems down the line.
posted by lilac girl at 4:09 PM on August 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
Does the fact that we only have sex when she wants to, no matter what ... mean that she sees me as a pushover?
Not to nitpick at this, it's just that this is what I want to address. Would you really and truly want to have sex with her when she didn't want it? Would you want to have her lying there thinking "Ugh, this is uncomfortable/painful/feels gross/makes me feel used, and I can't wait for him to finish already?" Because that's how it feels for a lot of people when they have sex they don't want to be having. It's not like, "oh, I don't feel like it" but they end up enjoying it once it's happening.
The other thing is, if she already has a low libido? If you push sex on her when she doesn't want it, you're going to turn sex into an unpleasant chore that she dreads. I think that will send your frequency of sex into a death spiral.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:21 PM on August 22, 2011 [10 favorites]
Not to nitpick at this, it's just that this is what I want to address. Would you really and truly want to have sex with her when she didn't want it? Would you want to have her lying there thinking "Ugh, this is uncomfortable/painful/feels gross/makes me feel used, and I can't wait for him to finish already?" Because that's how it feels for a lot of people when they have sex they don't want to be having. It's not like, "oh, I don't feel like it" but they end up enjoying it once it's happening.
The other thing is, if she already has a low libido? If you push sex on her when she doesn't want it, you're going to turn sex into an unpleasant chore that she dreads. I think that will send your frequency of sex into a death spiral.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:21 PM on August 22, 2011 [10 favorites]
You're kind of putting an contentious spin on it by describing yourself as a potential 'pushover', because it kind of looks like you're setting it up so that either you're a pushover or she's a trial.
You're listing a lot of disparate data points here that don't really add up to either of those things conclusively but seeking a single all-inclusive answer that's bound to make somebody feel awful.
You just sound frustrated at what's amounting to poor communication about rules, boundaries, and personal habits, and if you want a long term relationship with this person, you both have to get better at that.
With the exception of the air conditioning thing -- the complaining party has to put on their happy feets and sleep elsewhere. You can't tell someone else to sleep elsewhere.
You have to passive-aggressively announce in a huff that you'll be sleeping elsewhere.
Kidding on that very last part.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:25 PM on August 22, 2011
You're listing a lot of disparate data points here that don't really add up to either of those things conclusively but seeking a single all-inclusive answer that's bound to make somebody feel awful.
You just sound frustrated at what's amounting to poor communication about rules, boundaries, and personal habits, and if you want a long term relationship with this person, you both have to get better at that.
With the exception of the air conditioning thing -- the complaining party has to put on their happy feets and sleep elsewhere. You can't tell someone else to sleep elsewhere.
You have to passive-aggressively announce in a huff that you'll be sleeping elsewhere.
Kidding on that very last part.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:25 PM on August 22, 2011
We agreed in late May to only use the air conditioning if we both found it was too hot…
You do realize that if she wants to use the AC starting at 75 and you want to use it starting at 90, that's not a compromise at all, right? It means she agreed, probably under duress, that you always get your way and she just suffers whenever the temperature is between 75 and 90.
I don't think you're seeing things straight.
Also, just to be perfectly plain: if you don't like her, you should break up. You really sound to me like you don't like her.
posted by fritley at 4:29 PM on August 22, 2011 [11 favorites]
You do realize that if she wants to use the AC starting at 75 and you want to use it starting at 90, that's not a compromise at all, right? It means she agreed, probably under duress, that you always get your way and she just suffers whenever the temperature is between 75 and 90.
I don't think you're seeing things straight.
Also, just to be perfectly plain: if you don't like her, you should break up. You really sound to me like you don't like her.
posted by fritley at 4:29 PM on August 22, 2011 [11 favorites]
Speaking of my relationships - including romantic, familial, professional and friendship - I think viewing them as a competition or with a power differential where there are "winners and losers", or "pushovers" etc is generally really destructive, albeit hard to avoid at times.
For example, my girlfriend often mocks me for being quite easygoing regarding the demands of a mutual friend of ours who is somewhat spoiled. But, as I say to her in response, it doesn't really matter to me. Our friend may be spoiled, but they are my friend and if I can satisfy their needs in a way that doesn't really bother me, well gosh darn it I'm gonna do that! And that goes for all my relationships.
I find, personally speaking, in relationships of all stripes doing something "because you should", lines in the sand, points of principle etc are generally a bit over-rated. I am by nature somewhat of an expectation-meeter and negotiator, but if I can make someone I care for happier, I try to do that - and I try to care, at least a little, for most people I meet.
Regarding your specific case, do what you think will make you and your girlfriend happy. Don't second guess yourself about whether it makes you a pushover or whatever. Respectfully who gives a fuck about that? Is being in a happy relationship and making someone you care about happy more important than a vision of yourself as assertive etc? For me it is.
Something I realised in the course of my current - most serious relationship - is that when people say "sometimes in relationships, you have to compromise", it's actually really bad framing that immediately puts you in some kind of weird, oppositional, Israel/Palestine situation with your partner. But, for me, I soon realised that in a serious relationship it's all compromise - however, I also realised that in the right relationship, most of the time it probably won't feel that way and even if it does it won't matter.
The question for you is, is this the right relationship for you?
PS, Nthing everybody else; your girlfriend is entitled to have as much or as little sex with you as she wants, and pro-tip, it's not impossible but it will be rare to find someone in the greater course of life who will want to have sex once or twice a day. These people exist, but they are outliers, and they may or may not be as awesome in other respects. Sex is just one facet of a long-term relationship; be wary of putting everything on a sacrificial altar to achieve nirvana in this one facet.
posted by smoke at 4:32 PM on August 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
For example, my girlfriend often mocks me for being quite easygoing regarding the demands of a mutual friend of ours who is somewhat spoiled. But, as I say to her in response, it doesn't really matter to me. Our friend may be spoiled, but they are my friend and if I can satisfy their needs in a way that doesn't really bother me, well gosh darn it I'm gonna do that! And that goes for all my relationships.
I find, personally speaking, in relationships of all stripes doing something "because you should", lines in the sand, points of principle etc are generally a bit over-rated. I am by nature somewhat of an expectation-meeter and negotiator, but if I can make someone I care for happier, I try to do that - and I try to care, at least a little, for most people I meet.
Regarding your specific case, do what you think will make you and your girlfriend happy. Don't second guess yourself about whether it makes you a pushover or whatever. Respectfully who gives a fuck about that? Is being in a happy relationship and making someone you care about happy more important than a vision of yourself as assertive etc? For me it is.
Something I realised in the course of my current - most serious relationship - is that when people say "sometimes in relationships, you have to compromise", it's actually really bad framing that immediately puts you in some kind of weird, oppositional, Israel/Palestine situation with your partner. But, for me, I soon realised that in a serious relationship it's all compromise - however, I also realised that in the right relationship, most of the time it probably won't feel that way and even if it does it won't matter.
The question for you is, is this the right relationship for you?
PS, Nthing everybody else; your girlfriend is entitled to have as much or as little sex with you as she wants, and pro-tip, it's not impossible but it will be rare to find someone in the greater course of life who will want to have sex once or twice a day. These people exist, but they are outliers, and they may or may not be as awesome in other respects. Sex is just one facet of a long-term relationship; be wary of putting everything on a sacrificial altar to achieve nirvana in this one facet.
posted by smoke at 4:32 PM on August 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm sharing the feedback I got while going to a sex-therapist with my Ex, over our mutual displeasure with our sex life.
Paraphrased:
"The frequency of sex a person wants after the first 6 months to 2 years (after the Oxytocin effect wears off, which varies from person to person) is basically "set". A one-time-a-week person is just that, and is extraordinarily unlikely to change, most especially in the context of an existing relationship."
The rest is me, not my sex-therapist:
People generally cannot will themselves into wanting it more, and "going along with it" is such a libido killer that it is not even worth pursuit. It is also a relationship-killer, the pressuring, the whininess, the anger. Those are natural reactions, they are just no fun for anyone.
I'm personally an "every day or every other day" person, and happily I now have a partner who has the same set point. Joy all around, and we're safely past the two-year reality checkpoint.
If sex is a big deal to you, as it is to me, then you need to find a new girlfriend. I feel an amused sort of pity for people who claim that sex isn't that big a deal in a long-term relationship. In fact I find myself wondering what is wrong with them, "they must be doing it wrong." It is a huge deal, a bedrock of a romantic relationship, at least in my world.
Sorry, your situation stinks. It doesn't stink as bad as waiting for the magical, long awaited sex signal from someone who simply isn't into it, but it stinks.
Add my voice to those above saying that she needs to sleep in the other room if she wants to be by herself. In fact, I recommend you each have your own space, so that it isn't awkward. My wife has her own room, she never uses it except as a dressing room, but it has a futon she could use and it wouldn't be terribly awkward.
In sum, you are being a pushover about the sleeping situation. The sex isn't going to get better and you should probably get a new girlfriend.
posted by Invoke at 4:53 PM on August 22, 2011 [4 favorites]
Paraphrased:
"The frequency of sex a person wants after the first 6 months to 2 years (after the Oxytocin effect wears off, which varies from person to person) is basically "set". A one-time-a-week person is just that, and is extraordinarily unlikely to change, most especially in the context of an existing relationship."
The rest is me, not my sex-therapist:
People generally cannot will themselves into wanting it more, and "going along with it" is such a libido killer that it is not even worth pursuit. It is also a relationship-killer, the pressuring, the whininess, the anger. Those are natural reactions, they are just no fun for anyone.
I'm personally an "every day or every other day" person, and happily I now have a partner who has the same set point. Joy all around, and we're safely past the two-year reality checkpoint.
If sex is a big deal to you, as it is to me, then you need to find a new girlfriend. I feel an amused sort of pity for people who claim that sex isn't that big a deal in a long-term relationship. In fact I find myself wondering what is wrong with them, "they must be doing it wrong." It is a huge deal, a bedrock of a romantic relationship, at least in my world.
Sorry, your situation stinks. It doesn't stink as bad as waiting for the magical, long awaited sex signal from someone who simply isn't into it, but it stinks.
Add my voice to those above saying that she needs to sleep in the other room if she wants to be by herself. In fact, I recommend you each have your own space, so that it isn't awkward. My wife has her own room, she never uses it except as a dressing room, but it has a futon she could use and it wouldn't be terribly awkward.
In sum, you are being a pushover about the sleeping situation. The sex isn't going to get better and you should probably get a new girlfriend.
posted by Invoke at 4:53 PM on August 22, 2011 [4 favorites]
If sex is a big deal to you, as it is to me, then you need to find a new girlfriend.
This. Pressuring her until she opens her legs is bad, bad, bad. Sitting there feeling unhappy is bad. Being honest about your desires is good, and being willing to think through the compromises and options is good.
But that said, before you move straight to breakupville, think honestly and carefully if you are being a kick-ass boyfriend whom she would obviously want to have sex with? Not because you are simply there and that's what people in a relationship do, but because you are scrumptious and treat her amazingly well and all that other good stuff.
And maybe when you really think about it honestly, there is so much that is great about being with her that great sex once or sometimes twice a week is an ok compromise, given all the rest of what you get out of the relationship. Sex is a Big Deal, but it's not the only Big Deal.
Lastly, about the sleeping and AC arrangements, I'd argue for taking the most gracious path possible. It's a lot easier for you to wrap up in a blanket than it is for her to magically cool down in what feels to her like a too-hot room, for example. So why battle about something so small, when you can so easily make her happy? I wouldn't think of it as "giving in" -- I'd think of it as picking very carefully what is important to you, and being as gracious as possible with the things that are most important to her.
posted by Forktine at 6:37 PM on August 22, 2011
This. Pressuring her until she opens her legs is bad, bad, bad. Sitting there feeling unhappy is bad. Being honest about your desires is good, and being willing to think through the compromises and options is good.
But that said, before you move straight to breakupville, think honestly and carefully if you are being a kick-ass boyfriend whom she would obviously want to have sex with? Not because you are simply there and that's what people in a relationship do, but because you are scrumptious and treat her amazingly well and all that other good stuff.
And maybe when you really think about it honestly, there is so much that is great about being with her that great sex once or sometimes twice a week is an ok compromise, given all the rest of what you get out of the relationship. Sex is a Big Deal, but it's not the only Big Deal.
Lastly, about the sleeping and AC arrangements, I'd argue for taking the most gracious path possible. It's a lot easier for you to wrap up in a blanket than it is for her to magically cool down in what feels to her like a too-hot room, for example. So why battle about something so small, when you can so easily make her happy? I wouldn't think of it as "giving in" -- I'd think of it as picking very carefully what is important to you, and being as gracious as possible with the things that are most important to her.
posted by Forktine at 6:37 PM on August 22, 2011
I agree with those who said that there are separate issues being conflated here. I think you are being uncompassionate and unfair when it comes to her libido. Presumably she had the same libido she had when you met her, no? Basically you want her to change, and you aren't doing it in a constructive way, like helping her find other medical options that might not have the effect of reducing her libido. It scares me to see you complain about you only have sex when she wants to. What would you prefer, to be able to fuck her whenever you want, even if she totally isn't into it? How creepy.
As the lower-libido partner in my own relationship, I feel that there are compromises that can be made. For example, maybe your girlfriend doesn't want to have intercourse, but might feel ok "lending a hand", so to speak? Or maybe she promises to be the one to initiate when she does want to have sex?
I do not feel it's unreasonable for her to ask you to sleep in a different room, but it seems like she herself could just as easily sleep in the other room. I agree with those who have said that sleeping with someone else takes getting used to, and if you each need different things from your sleep environment, so be it, and maybe you should sleep separately sometimes to accommodate that.
I have to say, in closing, that the tone of your post really doesn't make it seem as though you love your girlfriend, or are even considering her needs much. I think that's a much bigger problem than the details of who sleeps where, or even of how often you have sex.
posted by parrot_person at 6:39 PM on August 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
As the lower-libido partner in my own relationship, I feel that there are compromises that can be made. For example, maybe your girlfriend doesn't want to have intercourse, but might feel ok "lending a hand", so to speak? Or maybe she promises to be the one to initiate when she does want to have sex?
I do not feel it's unreasonable for her to ask you to sleep in a different room, but it seems like she herself could just as easily sleep in the other room. I agree with those who have said that sleeping with someone else takes getting used to, and if you each need different things from your sleep environment, so be it, and maybe you should sleep separately sometimes to accommodate that.
I have to say, in closing, that the tone of your post really doesn't make it seem as though you love your girlfriend, or are even considering her needs much. I think that's a much bigger problem than the details of who sleeps where, or even of how often you have sex.
posted by parrot_person at 6:39 PM on August 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think it would have a salutary effect on many relationships if separate sleeping rooms could be maintained. If sleeping separately is the default, then a couple must always plan and invite rather than impose or expect--or worse, demand or ignore.
If being with you means she cannot sleep comfortably then gradually you will turn yourself, in her mind, into a stubborn obstacle to her wellbeing, rather than a delight.
Separate but equal. Be romantic. Write notes. Make dates.
posted by Anitanola at 9:32 PM on August 22, 2011
If being with you means she cannot sleep comfortably then gradually you will turn yourself, in her mind, into a stubborn obstacle to her wellbeing, rather than a delight.
Separate but equal. Be romantic. Write notes. Make dates.
posted by Anitanola at 9:32 PM on August 22, 2011
It looks like everybody has the major points covered, so let me address the heat & insomnia. At minimum, please reconsider giving your girlfriend such a hard time over what "too hot" means. Some people really have no tolerance for temperature variation. If you've never had insomnia, maybe you can't appreciate how utterly miserable it is not to be able to sleep when you're exhausted. Fighting insomnia, stress and law school (!) when you're too goddamned hot to even sleep has got to be a special kind of hell.
In contrast, it sounds like your life is objectively easier than hers right now. What luck! That doesn't give her free reign to treat you badly, but maybe can you see how resentment could creep in? If my A/C controlling, easy job having, regular schedule enjoying, rather unsympathetic scorekeeping boyfriend tried to sex me up in the middle of that nightmare, got pissed when I wasn't into it, then held it over my head that I owed him because it'd been a week already - well, not a single fuck would be given that night.
Now is not the time in your relationship to worry about being a pushover. Things are going to be unbalanced, probably for some time. You really need to decide if you're going to be okay with that. I know relationships are give and take, but if you want to make this work for the long haul, now is the time to give. Take the high road and do what you can to help make her life easier. I'm sure it will come back to you multiplied in the future.
Relevant to A Terrible Llama's advice.
posted by Space Kitty at 12:20 AM on August 23, 2011 [7 favorites]
In contrast, it sounds like your life is objectively easier than hers right now. What luck! That doesn't give her free reign to treat you badly, but maybe can you see how resentment could creep in? If my A/C controlling, easy job having, regular schedule enjoying, rather unsympathetic scorekeeping boyfriend tried to sex me up in the middle of that nightmare, got pissed when I wasn't into it, then held it over my head that I owed him because it'd been a week already - well, not a single fuck would be given that night.
Now is not the time in your relationship to worry about being a pushover. Things are going to be unbalanced, probably for some time. You really need to decide if you're going to be okay with that. I know relationships are give and take, but if you want to make this work for the long haul, now is the time to give. Take the high road and do what you can to help make her life easier. I'm sure it will come back to you multiplied in the future.
Relevant to A Terrible Llama's advice.
posted by Space Kitty at 12:20 AM on August 23, 2011 [7 favorites]
Echoing part of a previous answer:
The sex is NOT going to get better. think about it long and hard. (No pun intended...seriously.)
posted by txmon at 8:46 AM on August 23, 2011
The sex is NOT going to get better. think about it long and hard. (No pun intended...seriously.)
posted by txmon at 8:46 AM on August 23, 2011
I too think this is a bizarre question, but speaking as the spouse of someone with severe insomnia and a stressful job, there is NOTHING to be gained from making them try to sleep with you when they can't. EVER. I'm 99.9% certain this is about feeling rejected on your part - she doesn't want to sleep with you, doesn't want to have sex as often as you'd like. I am also 99.9% certain that pushing the issue will definitely result in rejection.
I don't think either of you are being consciously controlling. I do think you're not seeing what is really going on with you. This is not going to go away until you deal with your feelings of being rejected, and until you realize that your impulses to force her to do x or y are ultimately always, always self-defeating.
posted by desjardins at 10:51 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't think either of you are being consciously controlling. I do think you're not seeing what is really going on with you. This is not going to go away until you deal with your feelings of being rejected, and until you realize that your impulses to force her to do x or y are ultimately always, always self-defeating.
posted by desjardins at 10:51 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
N-thing many others, sex frequency is determined by the low-libido partner. As outlined above, would you really want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to do it with you? Really?
Now the feeling like a pushover - are you expressing what you need? How much does it differ to what she needs? Can you both creatively think of ways to get both needs met in a way you're both happy with? Being on the same team, looking for win-win solutions - these make both of you feel better. Reject the idea of a winner and a loser, with people trading regularly who wins and loses, that way you both wind up unhappy and resentful and haven't got what you want.
I suspect that some of these feelings are also not only about her - if you find yourself feeling really hurt or angry that she's not meeting your needs, or you're having to meet hers and its feels unfair, it might be partly about her now and partly about stuff from childhood. Did you put yourself aside to look after a parent or sibling and feel resentful but couldn't express that? Did you regularly not feel heard? I might be completely off base on this so please ignore if I am but if the idea of some needs not getting met makes you feel taken advantage of or like a pushover, other stuff is going on.
posted by eyeofthetiger at 5:57 AM on August 25, 2011
Now the feeling like a pushover - are you expressing what you need? How much does it differ to what she needs? Can you both creatively think of ways to get both needs met in a way you're both happy with? Being on the same team, looking for win-win solutions - these make both of you feel better. Reject the idea of a winner and a loser, with people trading regularly who wins and loses, that way you both wind up unhappy and resentful and haven't got what you want.
I suspect that some of these feelings are also not only about her - if you find yourself feeling really hurt or angry that she's not meeting your needs, or you're having to meet hers and its feels unfair, it might be partly about her now and partly about stuff from childhood. Did you put yourself aside to look after a parent or sibling and feel resentful but couldn't express that? Did you regularly not feel heard? I might be completely off base on this so please ignore if I am but if the idea of some needs not getting met makes you feel taken advantage of or like a pushover, other stuff is going on.
posted by eyeofthetiger at 5:57 AM on August 25, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
You... might have a different definition of this than me.
It sounds like you have a great, honest relationship, but you're not cohabitating well at this point. Not to say that you never will-- adjusting to each other takes time. But once you set a boundary/compromise that you want to keep, you need to stick with it. "Remember how we said we'd only use the AC if we BOTH thought it was too hot? Well, I'm miserable, so the threshold is getting bumped up."
The sex/libido question is tougher. Good thing is that there's a wealth of previous questions about this issue. Both HBC and anti-anxiety meds (especially SSRIs) have that effect; if she wants it to change, she should talk to her docs.
Basically, if you're okay with conceding to her wishes (less loaded term than "pushover"), then you're okay with it. That's fine. If you're bottling up rage or resentment, though, it's not good for anyone, and you need to draw a line in the sand.
posted by supercres at 2:52 PM on August 22, 2011