When people don't tell you who they are, what do you believe?
July 29, 2011 8:44 PM Subscribe
I recently hooked up with a guy I talked to every day for a few months online. I ended up liking him a lot in person and getting my hopes up in the few hours we spent together, but he has significantly scaled back his interest now that the chase is over. What can I do to get over this in a satisfactory way? Details inside.
posted by houndsoflove to Human Relations (35 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
I met a guy on an online dating site back in the spring. He contacted me, I liked the vibe he gave off in his profile, and we chatted for a while. He asked me to hang out spontaneously a few times for coffee or afternoon shopping when I legitimately doing something else, so I tried to reschedule. He never responded to my rescheduling emails at all. I got the sense that he is not much for planning and very much one for "keeping his options open," but he kept chatting with me anyway and so it didn't bother me too much.
Somewhere, our talk got flirty, and then sexy, and then outright explicit. I was fine with this and even encouraged it; it had been a while for me and I thought he was hot in his pictures. He started inviting me over, in a roundabout indirect sort of way, almost every night of every weekend. I rejected his invitations for about a month and a half, no matter how much I theoretically wanted him, because I am not the sort of girl to drive to a strange man's house for sex in the middle of the night.
However....last week, driven crazy by curiosity, I did it. Things proceeded as expected. I was nervous, but he initiated everything and in doing so, turned out to be a conscientious, respectful, concerned for my boundaries and comfort sort of guy in person. I liked him so much more than I thought I would. We snuggled up a little bit before I went to leave, then he gave me a hug and a kiss and said we'd talk later online.
Since we, uh, met, our conversation has waned pretty decently on his end. He talks to me most of the time with some of the same enthusiasm he had before, but he doesn't want to chat nearly as much as he used to and ignores some of my messages completely (not anything serious, just little messages that would have easily gotten a response from him before). This is giving me flashbacks to when we started talking right in the beginning, when he told me he found some women to be "too clingy" and he doesn't like receiving chats/phone calls/IMs every day. Because he was pretty much chatting/IMing me every day....y'know, until we hooked up.
A few days ago I told him flat out that I'm OK with keeping this relationship as a friends with benefits sort of thing. It's true that I am not in want of "dating" (however I am extremely interested in having an intimate physical/emotional relationship with another person, not necessarily in an exclusive way). I also mentioned that I really liked him as a person in person, but if he doesn't want to hang out again, he should honestly let me know. In fact I said I'd rather know so I can move on. I gave him the out, but he said that of course he wants to hang out again and seemed convincingly enthusiastic about it. Hooray! Except now he is ignoring me again.
I know my inexperience is showing here, but I'm hurt by the decreased interest since sexing me (was he not attracted to me in person?). I know that it's important to take someone at his word, but I also don't want to invest too much more hope of companionship and satisfying sex with this flighty man if whoops, actually, we're really never hanging out again and he just doesn't want to tell me that for...some reason. Should I jump ship now to make my heart hurt a little less? If not, what can I do to ease my mind about the whole thing?