What to give to the family that has nothing
July 13, 2011 12:57 PM Subscribe
A family in our community suffered the complete loss of everything they own in a fire recently. Mom, Dad, and 3 little boys got out unscathed but everything is gone. How to help?
They are currently staying with family in another town and working out the insurance. Cash/gift cards are being collected for them. I guess I'm wondering if there are other awesome things we could do for them that we're not thinking of. If you or someone you know lost everything, what would have helped the most in the immediate weeks afterwards?
They are currently staying with family in another town and working out the insurance. Cash/gift cards are being collected for them. I guess I'm wondering if there are other awesome things we could do for them that we're not thinking of. If you or someone you know lost everything, what would have helped the most in the immediate weeks afterwards?
Take a bit of stress off them and the host family and make them some food. Some good, non-utilitarian, non-survivalist food. Hell, you can even call them and ask them what they would like (really suss out some favorites if they're the humble sort) and make that.
posted by griphus at 1:00 PM on July 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by griphus at 1:00 PM on July 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
I should add that a close friend of the family went through everything first to sort out the "using this as an excuse to clear out our closet" crap so that they were actually given nice, gently used things and the family didn't have to deal with the stress of a pile of disorganized things.
posted by phunniemee at 1:01 PM on July 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 1:01 PM on July 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Can you put out the call in the community for an accountant/tax professional to assist them? Many years ago, some people I know lost everything in a fire. It was devastating, but a lot of people and the Red Cross helped them.
Then they did their taxes the following year. All those cash gifts, the housing and other assistance from the Red Cross, plus insurance payments etc? Unearned income. It was very bad, and their records (aside from all the normal tax type paperwork they lost in the fire) were not great. And they'll have to be on top of that now in order to handle it later, so while they very much need forks and socks right now, they need to know how to track their receipts for forks and socks right now too.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:02 PM on July 13, 2011 [13 favorites]
Then they did their taxes the following year. All those cash gifts, the housing and other assistance from the Red Cross, plus insurance payments etc? Unearned income. It was very bad, and their records (aside from all the normal tax type paperwork they lost in the fire) were not great. And they'll have to be on top of that now in order to handle it later, so while they very much need forks and socks right now, they need to know how to track their receipts for forks and socks right now too.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:02 PM on July 13, 2011 [13 favorites]
When this happened to my sister last winter, it seems like cash (family and friends were very generous I'm happy to say), clothes in the correct sizes for the kids, and bedding were most important at the beginning, as well as ready to go and nutritious home-cooked meals (casseroles, breads, salads rather than desserts and cookies or gift cards to eat out) since they were a little too freaked out to be planning meals for several weeks.
posted by aught at 1:04 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by aught at 1:04 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
Buy underwear and socks for the family. Tons of socks. They'll be worrying about the big-picture stuff like trying to get their house sorted out, trying to piece together all their vital information, and all that, and will more than likely forget about the dumb little everyday things like "do I have clean socks today". It may not sound like much, but it will definitely help.
Also, as others have said, meals are always great.
posted by pdb at 1:13 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, as others have said, meals are always great.
posted by pdb at 1:13 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
I lost almost everything* in a fire years ago. One thing people may not think of is that they may need *containers* -- I had a few things to wear, but just a friend's laundry basket to put them in. And then she wanted the basket back, and I was like, um, I don't have any other place to put my clothes. Similarly, my mother insisted on buying hangers, and I was all, "Mom, I don't have any clothes to put on hangers," and she, wisely enough, said that I would in the future have clothes to put on hangers, and I would need the hangers to put the clothes on.
There's a lot to be said for a useful pot to put things in.
* it's a longer story than that, but that's what my therapist is for.
posted by endless_forms at 1:17 PM on July 13, 2011 [7 favorites]
There's a lot to be said for a useful pot to put things in.
* it's a longer story than that, but that's what my therapist is for.
posted by endless_forms at 1:17 PM on July 13, 2011 [7 favorites]
After my fire, I appreciated gift cards. I hate to sound this way but I didn't want other people to give me their old stuff. I wanted my stuff. You feel like shit so being able to go to target and spend 40 bucks on socks and underwear and pick out things that will bring comfort to you was a relief. I didn't have children, so I can't answer to that.
posted by courtyard at 1:18 PM on July 13, 2011 [14 favorites]
posted by courtyard at 1:18 PM on July 13, 2011 [14 favorites]
If you collect toys and/or clothes: please, try for new stuff! At the very least, absolutely no used socks, underwear, pajamas etc., because of sanitary reasons. But --- even if it seems kinda cold --- cash and gift cards would be better.
(I helped sort clothes people donated for Katrina: good grief, it's amazing the crud people donated. Filthy clothes of all sorts, bathing suits!!!, used socks and underwear, high-heeled shoes and formal dresses, an inflatable swimming pool?!?, and on and on. Unbelievable. If used colothing is collected, please sort it first, by size and if it's wearable or trash.)
posted by easily confused at 1:18 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
(I helped sort clothes people donated for Katrina: good grief, it's amazing the crud people donated. Filthy clothes of all sorts, bathing suits!!!, used socks and underwear, high-heeled shoes and formal dresses, an inflatable swimming pool?!?, and on and on. Unbelievable. If used colothing is collected, please sort it first, by size and if it's wearable or trash.)
posted by easily confused at 1:18 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
When I was struggling to stay afloat after losing everything to Hurricane Charley, a couple of people helped me by paying a few of my bills (since FEMA was doing such a "heck of a job" that I had to sleep in my car and I couldn't get any kind of official help until months after the disaster). Stuff like cellphone, car insurance, bills that still needed to get paid, hurricane or no hurricane. Maybe these folks have a credit card or two that could stand to be paid off.
Donations of things and stuff wouldn't have helped me much until I had a stable place to live and put the stuff, but of course I didn't have any little kids. Homecooked meals were certainly appreciated, as others have said. Gas cards would have been great too. For a family with little kids, maybe some gifts that would get the kids out of the house for something fun, like tickets to the closest Big Theme Park, zoo, etc.?
Agreed with courtyard about gift cards being better than donations of castoffs. I know they're meant well, but there's something demoralizing about accepting people's used stuff -- and you don't dare look or say anything ungrateful, because then you get the "beggars can't be choosers" looks and comments (which, by the way, is a HORRIBLE thing to say to anyone. NEVER treat someone like a beggar). Gift cards are a great way to avoid making people feel like crap.
posted by Gator at 1:26 PM on July 13, 2011
Donations of things and stuff wouldn't have helped me much until I had a stable place to live and put the stuff, but of course I didn't have any little kids. Homecooked meals were certainly appreciated, as others have said. Gas cards would have been great too. For a family with little kids, maybe some gifts that would get the kids out of the house for something fun, like tickets to the closest Big Theme Park, zoo, etc.?
Agreed with courtyard about gift cards being better than donations of castoffs. I know they're meant well, but there's something demoralizing about accepting people's used stuff -- and you don't dare look or say anything ungrateful, because then you get the "beggars can't be choosers" looks and comments (which, by the way, is a HORRIBLE thing to say to anyone. NEVER treat someone like a beggar). Gift cards are a great way to avoid making people feel like crap.
posted by Gator at 1:26 PM on July 13, 2011
I was going to come in and suggest what Gator did about getting a gift card or tickets or something for the kids to do (with or without the parents). I'm sure they would all enjoy a break, and that's something you can't use insurance money for. I also like the idea of paying a bill or something for them instead of giving them nothing but gift cards. I'm sure gift cards are great but (depending on their insurance policy) they will most likely get money from the insurance company to replace a lot of the bigger things once the claim gets rolling so a diverse selection of gift cards (gas, restaurants, other things like that) or paying the cell phone bill might be good. Once again, depends on if they have their immediate clothing needs met or not.
Containers would be good too, I would imagine. The family they are staying with will probably cook for them, but wouldn't it be great if someone bought groceries for the whole gang (including the family housing them?). Or find out what kind of meals they like and buy the ingredients for them...something like that to help out their host family as well.
posted by MultiFaceted at 1:38 PM on July 13, 2011
Containers would be good too, I would imagine. The family they are staying with will probably cook for them, but wouldn't it be great if someone bought groceries for the whole gang (including the family housing them?). Or find out what kind of meals they like and buy the ingredients for them...something like that to help out their host family as well.
posted by MultiFaceted at 1:38 PM on July 13, 2011
regarding containers: don't forget a garment rack or two.
posted by scody at 1:54 PM on July 13, 2011
posted by scody at 1:54 PM on July 13, 2011
I know that they're out of town, but for when they return - are you close friends with the family? It might be nice to take the boys to a movie or a day at the pool so that the parents can have some time to themselves.
posted by Elly Vortex at 2:06 PM on July 13, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by Elly Vortex at 2:06 PM on July 13, 2011 [6 favorites]
My husband's apartment building burned down 4 or 5 years ago, and he would agree with many of the posters so far: don't give them your old crap. People were totally well-meaning, but he ended up with a pile of things he didn't want or need. It was kind of like living with the contents of someone else's garage sale.
posted by that's how you get ants at 3:32 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by that's how you get ants at 3:32 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
All those cash gifts, the housing and other assistance from the Red Cross, plus insurance payments etc? Unearned income.
I would like to know more about this. I'm not an accountant, but if this is in the US, it seems off. People don't usually have to pay taxes on gifts. The DONOR might but only if we're talking some very large gifts! Was a donor writing off their gifts? That might change things. It's rare for insurance payouts to be taxable, too, unless they exceed the damages. I'm googling around and don't see anything that says gift cards between humans (vs employers/employees, etc) are taxable. I don't know anything about Red Cross monetary help at all.
But yes, records are always nice to have.
posted by small_ruminant at 3:35 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would like to know more about this. I'm not an accountant, but if this is in the US, it seems off. People don't usually have to pay taxes on gifts. The DONOR might but only if we're talking some very large gifts! Was a donor writing off their gifts? That might change things. It's rare for insurance payouts to be taxable, too, unless they exceed the damages. I'm googling around and don't see anything that says gift cards between humans (vs employers/employees, etc) are taxable. I don't know anything about Red Cross monetary help at all.
But yes, records are always nice to have.
posted by small_ruminant at 3:35 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, replacing three little boy's wardrobes is going to be a lot of frustrating shopping. Someone could volunteer to go to the store or mall with them and entertain two of the kids while they take turns picking out and trying on clothes.
posted by that's how you get ants at 3:45 PM on July 13, 2011
posted by that's how you get ants at 3:45 PM on July 13, 2011
If it happened to me, I would be desperately in need of babysitting so I could make phone calls and fill out paperwork. Just someone to come by and entertain the kids while I was in another room would be so helpful.
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:49 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:49 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
Organizational stuff will be very necessary.
They'll need to keep track of a ton of paperwork, so try to get them accordion files, spiral notebooks, lots of pens, 3-ring binders, 3-hole punch, business card files, plus various office supplies (stapler, staple remover, post-it flags, received/paid/copy stamps so they know what paperwork needs to stay and what can get sent out, label maker, etc), and one of those clear plastic drawer tower things to hold it all. It wouldn't hurt to have a drawer (and a separate bank account) dedicated to fire expenses and receipts.
Plastic drawers can also be used as temporary dressers and bathroom cabinets, too. If they're staying with someone else, it can be comforting to have a dedicated place to put their stuff.
posted by stefanie at 3:54 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
They'll need to keep track of a ton of paperwork, so try to get them accordion files, spiral notebooks, lots of pens, 3-ring binders, 3-hole punch, business card files, plus various office supplies (stapler, staple remover, post-it flags, received/paid/copy stamps so they know what paperwork needs to stay and what can get sent out, label maker, etc), and one of those clear plastic drawer tower things to hold it all. It wouldn't hurt to have a drawer (and a separate bank account) dedicated to fire expenses and receipts.
Plastic drawers can also be used as temporary dressers and bathroom cabinets, too. If they're staying with someone else, it can be comforting to have a dedicated place to put their stuff.
posted by stefanie at 3:54 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
small_ruminant, I believe the bigger problems were associated with the Red Cross assistance, renter's insurance settlement, and then whatever ultimately happened with the owner of the building. I just remember hearing after the fact (after the audit, in fact) that they should have gotten somebody right away to make sure that they handled their part right, and also that the various insurance and other entities also did their part right.
Weird tax stuff is hard enough to figure out on a good day, anyway.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:16 PM on July 13, 2011
Weird tax stuff is hard enough to figure out on a good day, anyway.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:16 PM on July 13, 2011
I'm imagining myself in that situation, and I think the things I'd need would depend on the timeframe.
That same day? A shower, some food, some clothes, a place to sleep, and maybe computer/phone usage.
After that, I'd probably just need to borrow cash until the insurance starts to do its thing. Maybe loan me a spare cellphone if mine was lost? Maybe a laptop to borrow for a little while? Maybe some company and help with letting in contractors/inspectors while I am at work?
I personally would be embarrassed to be given a bunch of stuff. (Though I know not everyone would be.) In the first place, I'd probably have no place to put it. I would be living out of a hotel room or someone's couch.
Best to ask them. Showing up with another casserole is super nice and friendly, but maybe I'd just like the chance to be able to say "thank god, no, I don't need anything right now, but I might need to borrow your lawnmower next week?"
posted by gjc at 4:20 PM on July 13, 2011
That same day? A shower, some food, some clothes, a place to sleep, and maybe computer/phone usage.
After that, I'd probably just need to borrow cash until the insurance starts to do its thing. Maybe loan me a spare cellphone if mine was lost? Maybe a laptop to borrow for a little while? Maybe some company and help with letting in contractors/inspectors while I am at work?
I personally would be embarrassed to be given a bunch of stuff. (Though I know not everyone would be.) In the first place, I'd probably have no place to put it. I would be living out of a hotel room or someone's couch.
Best to ask them. Showing up with another casserole is super nice and friendly, but maybe I'd just like the chance to be able to say "thank god, no, I don't need anything right now, but I might need to borrow your lawnmower next week?"
posted by gjc at 4:20 PM on July 13, 2011
I think the best thing you can do would be to make sure you keep offering things in the weeks to come. Bouncing back from a fire is going to take weeks and months, by which time some of the charitable interest from the community might have waned.
By all means, give them "survivalist" stuff now, but don't hestitate to check in 3 weeks from now, or 6 weeks from now, to see what needs have cropped up.
posted by cranberrymonger at 4:35 PM on July 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
By all means, give them "survivalist" stuff now, but don't hestitate to check in 3 weeks from now, or 6 weeks from now, to see what needs have cropped up.
posted by cranberrymonger at 4:35 PM on July 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
Some of my family members lost their house in a fire about a year ago, so it's still fresh in memory. Please do not give them your old stuff, and try to discourage other people from doing so as well. They don't have anywhere to put it, they probably won't want it, and hopefully insurance will buy them all new stuff.
My family was required to go through and catalog the entire contents of their house for the insurance claim. Can you imagine? Having to write down every single thing in your house? Counting all the spoons, noting the ISBN of every book?
It was an overwhelming job, and it only got done thanks to the help of dozens of friends and family members. If your neighbors need to catalog their stuff, you can definitely help there. Not just by doing the cataloging, but by setting up a roster of other people who can help, too.
posted by ErikaB at 4:36 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
My family was required to go through and catalog the entire contents of their house for the insurance claim. Can you imagine? Having to write down every single thing in your house? Counting all the spoons, noting the ISBN of every book?
It was an overwhelming job, and it only got done thanks to the help of dozens of friends and family members. If your neighbors need to catalog their stuff, you can definitely help there. Not just by doing the cataloging, but by setting up a roster of other people who can help, too.
posted by ErikaB at 4:36 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
My family was required to go through and catalog the entire contents of their house for the insurance claim.
Oh, yes. This part sucks. If anyone has pictures or video of the interior of the house they should send along a copy to help jog memories (and provide evidence to insurance people)
posted by stefanie at 5:50 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh, yes. This part sucks. If anyone has pictures or video of the interior of the house they should send along a copy to help jog memories (and provide evidence to insurance people)
posted by stefanie at 5:50 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
My family went through a house fire.
Don't give them old stuff. We ended up with way more old stuff on our hands than we knew what to do with- lots of old, stained mattresses, lots of gross old clothes, dirty underwear, old toys, you name it. We had to throw it all away, and in the case of the mattresses we were supposed to pay to get rid of them. We couldn't afford to, so we burned them.
What's important immediately? Something to keep any belongings that they do own or will soon own dry- a construction trailer or the like. My family tried living under tarps in our burned-out house, which didn't work. Don't bother with gift cards- that just limits them. What's really super important and good for one's personal sanity in this situation is to have a big wad of cash in your pocket so you can go get things done.
posted by dunkadunc at 5:55 PM on July 13, 2011
Don't give them old stuff. We ended up with way more old stuff on our hands than we knew what to do with- lots of old, stained mattresses, lots of gross old clothes, dirty underwear, old toys, you name it. We had to throw it all away, and in the case of the mattresses we were supposed to pay to get rid of them. We couldn't afford to, so we burned them.
What's important immediately? Something to keep any belongings that they do own or will soon own dry- a construction trailer or the like. My family tried living under tarps in our burned-out house, which didn't work. Don't bother with gift cards- that just limits them. What's really super important and good for one's personal sanity in this situation is to have a big wad of cash in your pocket so you can go get things done.
posted by dunkadunc at 5:55 PM on July 13, 2011
From Ms. Vegetable:
If the boys have a schedule or regular routine, it might really really help them to be able to get to some of those things.
(Speaking as friend of two little girls who experienced a house fire and were still able to get to dance class.)
posted by a robot made out of meat at 6:42 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
If the boys have a schedule or regular routine, it might really really help them to be able to get to some of those things.
(Speaking as friend of two little girls who experienced a house fire and were still able to get to dance class.)
posted by a robot made out of meat at 6:42 PM on July 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have no personal experience with this, but here's my two cents anyways:
- In the vein of 'containers', it sounds like a set of practical wheeled luggage would be helpful, as they move from friends home to hotels and back - a home base for their stuff, if not for them
- When i was in high school, a classmates' house burned down, and the most visible thing to the rest of us was that this kid was basically wearing the same two shirts over and over because that was all he had, and i think it was embarrassing for him. So cool clothes for the kids.
- Offers to babysit, or take the kids shopping for things they need, or to drive the kids to their after school activities, or to do their laundry (once they've accumulated stuff) would probably be appreciated, so that the parents have more time and sanity to take care of what they need to
posted by Kololo at 8:25 PM on July 13, 2011
- In the vein of 'containers', it sounds like a set of practical wheeled luggage would be helpful, as they move from friends home to hotels and back - a home base for their stuff, if not for them
- When i was in high school, a classmates' house burned down, and the most visible thing to the rest of us was that this kid was basically wearing the same two shirts over and over because that was all he had, and i think it was embarrassing for him. So cool clothes for the kids.
- Offers to babysit, or take the kids shopping for things they need, or to drive the kids to their after school activities, or to do their laundry (once they've accumulated stuff) would probably be appreciated, so that the parents have more time and sanity to take care of what they need to
posted by Kololo at 8:25 PM on July 13, 2011
cranberrymonger makes a good point - it sounds like there is a big effort to get them cash and stuff to get them through. But they'll continue to need support in months to come.
Something awesome you could do would be to contact all their friends / family and ask them to dig out photos they have of the family (from parties / barbeques / nights out / family occasions / kids' birthday parties etc - bascially any photo they have with any member of the family in it). Electronic files, great. Bonus points for printing out the photos and putting them in an old-fashioned album.
posted by finding.perdita at 8:49 PM on July 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
Something awesome you could do would be to contact all their friends / family and ask them to dig out photos they have of the family (from parties / barbeques / nights out / family occasions / kids' birthday parties etc - bascially any photo they have with any member of the family in it). Electronic files, great. Bonus points for printing out the photos and putting them in an old-fashioned album.
posted by finding.perdita at 8:49 PM on July 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
Something awesome you could do would be to contact all their friends / family and ask them to dig out photos they have of the family
I can't believe I didn't think to mention this! I was just talking to my sister (whose house burned a few months ago) last weekend at a family picnic and she was telling me how the loss of decades of family photos still upsets her a lot.
She also mentioned that whatever company does the school photos for her sons' school offered to replace their yearly class pictures for free (she had called to see if she could buy replacements), so that might be worth mentioning to the family, if they lost all their kids' school pictures (assuming the boys are old enough that they're in school).
posted by aught at 8:54 AM on July 14, 2011
I can't believe I didn't think to mention this! I was just talking to my sister (whose house burned a few months ago) last weekend at a family picnic and she was telling me how the loss of decades of family photos still upsets her a lot.
She also mentioned that whatever company does the school photos for her sons' school offered to replace their yearly class pictures for free (she had called to see if she could buy replacements), so that might be worth mentioning to the family, if they lost all their kids' school pictures (assuming the boys are old enough that they're in school).
posted by aught at 8:54 AM on July 14, 2011
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posted by phunniemee at 1:00 PM on July 13, 2011