How do I break news to my girlfriend that I'll be out of country for six months?
July 6, 2011 4:22 PM Subscribe
How do I break news to my girlfriend that I'll be out of country for six months?
I was selected for a fairly prestigious program thousands of miles from my girlfriend and home.
I've already accepted it. There's no way I could pass it up. I know I would regret it, as the only reason I would pass it up is because of her. It's exactly what I want to be doing. As for our relationship, we've been together for nearly three years, but we've had several months of breaks (several times). It's rough sometimes, but when we're good, it's fantastic.
How do I tell her I'm leaving for half a year?
I was selected for a fairly prestigious program thousands of miles from my girlfriend and home.
I've already accepted it. There's no way I could pass it up. I know I would regret it, as the only reason I would pass it up is because of her. It's exactly what I want to be doing. As for our relationship, we've been together for nearly three years, but we've had several months of breaks (several times). It's rough sometimes, but when we're good, it's fantastic.
How do I tell her I'm leaving for half a year?
I agree with chrisfromthelc, but would suggest also that you go in with a plan for how and when she will be able to visit you (or you visit her, depending on which is more plausible/exciting). Presumably she supports you and your goals, but LDRs, even short, temporary ones, do suck, and she'll probably feel better knowing that you've thought about how you can mitigate the separation.
posted by obliquicity at 4:28 PM on July 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by obliquicity at 4:28 PM on July 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
I guess the bigger question is why you didn't tell her before, when you were applying for the program? Or when you were accepted and considering whether to go? Or right when you were accepting to explain why you were doing it?
Failing the answers to those questions, chrisfromthelc has it right. Just sit her down, tell her you have the chance to do a program that you see as a great opportunity, and that you have decided to go. Then make the plan for how you will keep in touch - as a former LDRer myself, skype video chat is a huge lifeline.
posted by CharlieSue at 4:29 PM on July 6, 2011 [43 favorites]
Failing the answers to those questions, chrisfromthelc has it right. Just sit her down, tell her you have the chance to do a program that you see as a great opportunity, and that you have decided to go. Then make the plan for how you will keep in touch - as a former LDRer myself, skype video chat is a huge lifeline.
posted by CharlieSue at 4:29 PM on July 6, 2011 [43 favorites]
Assuming you discuss your dreams and life goals with each other, "You know that overseas program I applied for last year...?" is all you'll probably need to say. Her reaction will dictate how you proceed from there. Tell her soon, if possible. Call her up specifically to tell her, don't try to act like it's not a big deal.
posted by milk white peacock at 4:29 PM on July 6, 2011
posted by milk white peacock at 4:29 PM on July 6, 2011
She doesn't even know you were in the running? And you accepted without any discussion with her at all?
Um, how serious is this relationship to you? Yes, it's only six months, and a solid relationship will weather that, but dude, you didn't even discuss it with her.
posted by likeso at 4:29 PM on July 6, 2011 [41 favorites]
Um, how serious is this relationship to you? Yes, it's only six months, and a solid relationship will weather that, but dude, you didn't even discuss it with her.
posted by likeso at 4:29 PM on July 6, 2011 [41 favorites]
Are you joking? If your relationship is such that you're afraid of telling your gf you'll be away for a measly 6 months -- not to mention that it's a great opportunity -- you should look at the forced separation as chance to make a final, permanent break.
I would guess that this is what she's afraid of, and why you're afraid of telling her; you've got to keep in mind that in a good relationship, partners share in each other's achievements and joys.
posted by lesli212 at 4:30 PM on July 6, 2011
I would guess that this is what she's afraid of, and why you're afraid of telling her; you've got to keep in mind that in a good relationship, partners share in each other's achievements and joys.
posted by lesli212 at 4:30 PM on July 6, 2011
If you don't have the kind of relationship where you can discuss this sort of stuff then you should just break up.
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:30 PM on July 6, 2011 [17 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:30 PM on July 6, 2011 [17 favorites]
I don't think your issue will be that you're leaving, but rather that you accepted it before talking it over with her. Girlfriends don't tend to like that sort of thing in my experience. I don't have any advice on what to do about it, just be ready for it.
posted by BiffSlamkovich at 4:31 PM on July 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by BiffSlamkovich at 4:31 PM on July 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
She'll get over it, especially since you've had multiple breaks in the past, and especially especially since she'll be pissed that you didn't say anything earlier.
posted by supercres at 4:32 PM on July 6, 2011
posted by supercres at 4:32 PM on July 6, 2011
Based on the way you've phrased the question, I take it you never mentioned applying for this program to her, which strikes me as kind of odd. I agree that you should just tell her and not beat around the bush too much, but since it sounds like the damage may have already been done, you might want to think about crafting a very sincere apology for if she gets justifiably pissed off that you didn't even bother to tell her this was on the horizon.
posted by Diagonalize at 4:34 PM on July 6, 2011
posted by Diagonalize at 4:34 PM on July 6, 2011
Is asking her to come with you out of the question, even if she could make it work? And is this entire thing going to be a total shock for her?
If the answer to either of those is yes, than I would rephrase your question to "how do I break up with my gf?"
posted by pazazygeek at 4:38 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
If the answer to either of those is yes, than I would rephrase your question to "how do I break up with my gf?"
posted by pazazygeek at 4:38 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Just last month at an engagement party, a dear friend of mine from college told how he knew one of the guests who we bumped into -- an odd coincidence since she had been a childhood friend of one of the grooms and we knew the other.
My friend was the adviser for a university's study aboard programs and she (the coincidentally known guest) had been one of his advisees. And she came up to him after his first large group advising session absolutely pissed off at him because he had told them that, though they wouldn't want to hear it, if they had a significant other they should break up with them before heading on the program, because a long distance relationship and program abroad do not mix well. She proceeded to tell him all the reasons she didn't apply in this situation -- she and her boyfriend were older than most of the other students, they'd been together longer, etc. etc. And he calmly told her that it was obviously her choice and that his advice was just that -- but it was based on his own experiences and his experience dealing with many other students -- and that this was the type of experience that you might want to be single during. Months later, she admitted she was wrong, and at the engagement party, we met her German husband.
So my advice would be that you tell her in the form of a break up. It may be harsh if it comes out of no where, but it's better than both of you holding onto a "fantastic when its not rough" long distance situation. If you guys have already had such a dramatic relationship in such a (relatively) short time period but yet you are taking steps like this (the possibility of 6 months abroad without discussing it), it seems like you should cut bait and drop your pole elsewhere.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 4:40 PM on July 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
My friend was the adviser for a university's study aboard programs and she (the coincidentally known guest) had been one of his advisees. And she came up to him after his first large group advising session absolutely pissed off at him because he had told them that, though they wouldn't want to hear it, if they had a significant other they should break up with them before heading on the program, because a long distance relationship and program abroad do not mix well. She proceeded to tell him all the reasons she didn't apply in this situation -- she and her boyfriend were older than most of the other students, they'd been together longer, etc. etc. And he calmly told her that it was obviously her choice and that his advice was just that -- but it was based on his own experiences and his experience dealing with many other students -- and that this was the type of experience that you might want to be single during. Months later, she admitted she was wrong, and at the engagement party, we met her German husband.
So my advice would be that you tell her in the form of a break up. It may be harsh if it comes out of no where, but it's better than both of you holding onto a "fantastic when its not rough" long distance situation. If you guys have already had such a dramatic relationship in such a (relatively) short time period but yet you are taking steps like this (the possibility of 6 months abroad without discussing it), it seems like you should cut bait and drop your pole elsewhere.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 4:40 PM on July 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Just my 2 cents but if you sprung this on me without even telling me you applied I would be furious. If on the other hand I knew you had applied and how much it meaned to you I would be delighted and already planning 2 or 3 nice visits I could make while you were away. Nothing you can really do about it now but honesty is always the best policy and if she was right for you she would have supported you 100%. Unfortunately by being secretive you would have pushed away even the best of girls.
posted by boobjob at 4:47 PM on July 6, 2011 [16 favorites]
posted by boobjob at 4:47 PM on July 6, 2011 [16 favorites]
boobjob makes a great point. you should have told her you were applying, to get her thinking of the possibility if nothing else. springing it on her is probably going to be a shock.
so tell her and let the relationship run its course. even 6 months abroad is tough. see how things are when you get back with no promises? (actually, don't even put that on the table.)
posted by kendrak at 4:58 PM on July 6, 2011
so tell her and let the relationship run its course. even 6 months abroad is tough. see how things are when you get back with no promises? (actually, don't even put that on the table.)
posted by kendrak at 4:58 PM on July 6, 2011
3 years and you are asking a bunch of internet strangers? Talk to her. If you can't talk to her about something like this, then you probably need to go to therapy to figure out how to communicate better. The foundation of a relationship is communication and metafilter is a really bad substitute for a good therapist.
posted by TheBones at 4:58 PM on July 6, 2011
posted by TheBones at 4:58 PM on July 6, 2011
If I were your girlfriend, I'd be deeply troubled just to know that you'd received the news that you were accepted -- amazing, wonderful, dreamed-of, life-changing news -- and chose not to share that news with me immediately, instead to keep it secret (for days? weeks?) because you were too suspicious that I wouldn't react well. Honestly, I probably would save you the trouble of breaking up with me based on that alone.
So, as others say, yeah, the band-aid approach seems best, and know going in whether you really want to stay with her across this six-month period and beyond. If your subconscious goal is to minimize how upset she's going to be with you during this chat and in the near term, it could be very tempting to offer all kinds of reassurances about skype/visits/etc., but if this news is bringing your relationship to a true crossroads, then rip that band-aid off the whole way, all at once.
posted by mauvest at 5:07 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
So, as others say, yeah, the band-aid approach seems best, and know going in whether you really want to stay with her across this six-month period and beyond. If your subconscious goal is to minimize how upset she's going to be with you during this chat and in the near term, it could be very tempting to offer all kinds of reassurances about skype/visits/etc., but if this news is bringing your relationship to a true crossroads, then rip that band-aid off the whole way, all at once.
posted by mauvest at 5:07 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
perhaps if you already have a ticket for her to visit you in hand when you tell her, that will help show her that you still want her around
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 5:13 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 5:13 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
If I were your girlfriend, this is what I would think; If you didn't have the kind of relationship where you were open enough to tell her you were applying, it may not survive a 6 month break anyway. It's already a breach of trust, so whose to say what else will happen over there that you also wouldn't discuss? It doesn't sound like you've factored your girlfriend into your plans at all, you've acted like a single guy so I wouldn't be shocked if she tells you to continue doing so - permanently.
posted by Jubey at 5:14 PM on July 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 5:14 PM on July 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
@obliquicity:
That's where I was headed, but spaced and posted before I was ready!
I also tend to agree with most of the others. If she didn't know you were going for this....there are bigger issues here.
posted by chrisfromthelc at 5:18 PM on July 6, 2011
That's where I was headed, but spaced and posted before I was ready!
I also tend to agree with most of the others. If she didn't know you were going for this....there are bigger issues here.
posted by chrisfromthelc at 5:18 PM on July 6, 2011
Was this something you applied to, or were nominated for, or otherwise had known about for weeks or months, or was this an opportunity that came completely out of the blue, and you'd only learned of its existence within the past week or so? If it's the latter, your girlfriend might be more understanding, but if it's the former (and it sounds like the former), I agree with everyone else: her trust in you is going to crumble and you might never be able to repair it.
(And if it is something you've known about for a while, don't pretend like it's sudden news to get out of revealing that you'd been hiding something. She'll just find out later, and she'll find out you lied twice.)
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:34 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
(And if it is something you've known about for a while, don't pretend like it's sudden news to get out of revealing that you'd been hiding something. She'll just find out later, and she'll find out you lied twice.)
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:34 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Look at this as an opportunity to have a good discussion, to start your relationship down a road of... talking about these things, you know? Talking doesn't mean backing down, or giving up, or alternatively being stubborn and insisting, or even compromising and being unhappy. It just means discussing how you come to have certain thoughts, as well as sharing said thoughts and the actions you plan on taking as a consequence of the above. One thing about long-distance relationships is that they are a lot more tolerable if you have a great foundation of talking-- I mean, in mediums where it's all you can do, like phone and email/etc.
So, while meeting is nice, it's not enough to sustain the relationship by itself.
While I second the questions about why you hadn't discuss this whole process earlier, I understand that a) often people can simply be very used to and predisposed to making decisions about their lives alone; b) you may not have a history of great communication, especially if you keep being off and on. This doesn't bode well for a long-distance relationship unless you take this opportunity to actually commit more actively to listening to and being there for each other. If you can assure her-- and she can assure you-- that this would take place, then you can present your leaving as a positive growth opportunity for the two of you, not just for yourself. Does she have a hobby/interest you can support her in taking this time to focus on? Would she enjoy paper journalling and actual letters or a journal mailed back and forth? (If she's artsy/craftsy, this often goes over well in friendships, at least). Would you have any time after/before your stay to take on a weekend/week-long backpack/sight-seeing trip around the area just with her which she can look forward to herself? Show some sort of sign you're thinking about her in all this, too. Cultivate that kind of thinking regardless of this particular girlfriend, and it will generally serve you well in relationships.
Nthing 'plan to visit', but I see this as a bonus extra that would not make up for the conversation thing.
posted by reenka at 6:51 PM on July 6, 2011
So, while meeting is nice, it's not enough to sustain the relationship by itself.
While I second the questions about why you hadn't discuss this whole process earlier, I understand that a) often people can simply be very used to and predisposed to making decisions about their lives alone; b) you may not have a history of great communication, especially if you keep being off and on. This doesn't bode well for a long-distance relationship unless you take this opportunity to actually commit more actively to listening to and being there for each other. If you can assure her-- and she can assure you-- that this would take place, then you can present your leaving as a positive growth opportunity for the two of you, not just for yourself. Does she have a hobby/interest you can support her in taking this time to focus on? Would she enjoy paper journalling and actual letters or a journal mailed back and forth? (If she's artsy/craftsy, this often goes over well in friendships, at least). Would you have any time after/before your stay to take on a weekend/week-long backpack/sight-seeing trip around the area just with her which she can look forward to herself? Show some sort of sign you're thinking about her in all this, too. Cultivate that kind of thinking regardless of this particular girlfriend, and it will generally serve you well in relationships.
Nthing 'plan to visit', but I see this as a bonus extra that would not make up for the conversation thing.
posted by reenka at 6:51 PM on July 6, 2011
One way not to do it is to tell other people first, and have her hear it from them.
posted by Metro Gnome at 7:04 PM on July 6, 2011
posted by Metro Gnome at 7:04 PM on July 6, 2011
Just to add to what was said before, if I was your girlfriend and I read your question I would dump you immediately.
posted by munchingzombie at 8:03 PM on July 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by munchingzombie at 8:03 PM on July 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
I know people who have happily weathered a year of studying abroad and remained together, but this was something that was very much planned before the relationship began. Out of the blue, without a bit of discussion about it first? I think many would find that hard to cope with.
For clarification's sake - are you asking us how to break the news because you're worried about how she'll react, or because you're worried about how this affects the future of your partnership?
posted by mippy at 4:22 AM on July 7, 2011
For clarification's sake - are you asking us how to break the news because you're worried about how she'll react, or because you're worried about how this affects the future of your partnership?
posted by mippy at 4:22 AM on July 7, 2011
Gently break up and keep it moving. You are not that into her.
(Sorry for the harshness).
posted by GeniPalm at 5:44 AM on July 7, 2011
(Sorry for the harshness).
posted by GeniPalm at 5:44 AM on July 7, 2011
I would dump you for this. To clarify, I would dump you because five conversations had not occurred. Here are the five conversations that you missed:
A) "I just found out about this fantastic program! It sounds amazing! It would be so awesome if I could get into this program!"
B) "I got my application together for that fantastic program!"
C) "I sent in my application for that fantastic program!"
D) "I haven't heard anything yet! But I can't wait to hear back about it! It's such a prestigious program- it would be awesome if I was accepted!"
E) "Oh my god, I just found out! I just literally [hung up the phone/received the letter/received the email]! I got in! I get to go!"
I can't imagine finding out that my boyfriend had applied and been accepted to an amazing prestigious program only after the fact. I would assume the relationship is over because he clearly doesn't value me enough to share his excitement with me. Discussing it only as a matter of "how do I break this news to my girlfriend?" means that he sees me only as an obstacle to his success and someone to work around.
posted by aabbbiee at 6:39 AM on July 7, 2011 [8 favorites]
A) "I just found out about this fantastic program! It sounds amazing! It would be so awesome if I could get into this program!"
B) "I got my application together for that fantastic program!"
C) "I sent in my application for that fantastic program!"
D) "I haven't heard anything yet! But I can't wait to hear back about it! It's such a prestigious program- it would be awesome if I was accepted!"
E) "Oh my god, I just found out! I just literally [hung up the phone/received the letter/received the email]! I got in! I get to go!"
I can't imagine finding out that my boyfriend had applied and been accepted to an amazing prestigious program only after the fact. I would assume the relationship is over because he clearly doesn't value me enough to share his excitement with me. Discussing it only as a matter of "how do I break this news to my girlfriend?" means that he sees me only as an obstacle to his success and someone to work around.
posted by aabbbiee at 6:39 AM on July 7, 2011 [8 favorites]
Despite the fact that I was trying to be an optimist in my first answer (and give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt re: being able to see what's what, in this situation -- oh, and answer the question rather than editorialize), I have to admit that I agree with the overwhelming trend of this thread. In other words, WTF you didn't tell her anything about this yet? And for all the reasons listed by aabbbiee, expect to get dumped.
posted by obliquicity at 7:10 AM on July 7, 2011
posted by obliquicity at 7:10 AM on July 7, 2011
Hopefully realizing right now that you're a cad for getting yourself into this situation with her, I'd break it to her like this:
Darling, I have something to tell you. I am going away for 6 months - I applied for this prestigious program in (X Country) and they just told me I got in, and I was so thrilled I accepted right away.
Now, it has been pointed out to me that I am an inconsiderate prick for not having thought of you and your feelings in all of this before I accepted, and I am very sorry for doing that to you. (here's where you fill in on your thoughts about staying together vs. breaking up after you've considered it for more than five minutes, and if you want to stay with her, you tell her you want to let her have some time to think on things and you two should talk about what you'd like to do (as a couple). She'll get mad at you (I hope), but if you're sweet enough, you'll be able to smooth things over. Enthusiasm for going to that place, excitement for having her come visit you there and your exploring the place together, sadness at parting ways for any amount of time, and promises of talking frequently over skype and sending letters and all that will help. If you want to stay with her, that is.)
posted by lizbunny at 8:01 AM on July 7, 2011
Darling, I have something to tell you. I am going away for 6 months - I applied for this prestigious program in (X Country) and they just told me I got in, and I was so thrilled I accepted right away.
Now, it has been pointed out to me that I am an inconsiderate prick for not having thought of you and your feelings in all of this before I accepted, and I am very sorry for doing that to you. (here's where you fill in on your thoughts about staying together vs. breaking up after you've considered it for more than five minutes, and if you want to stay with her, you tell her you want to let her have some time to think on things and you two should talk about what you'd like to do (as a couple). She'll get mad at you (I hope), but if you're sweet enough, you'll be able to smooth things over. Enthusiasm for going to that place, excitement for having her come visit you there and your exploring the place together, sadness at parting ways for any amount of time, and promises of talking frequently over skype and sending letters and all that will help. If you want to stay with her, that is.)
posted by lizbunny at 8:01 AM on July 7, 2011
Where did you all get the idea he or she didn't tell her they applied? Maybe it was just a longshot thing, and OP is genuinely surprised?
posted by frecklefaerie at 10:25 AM on July 7, 2011
posted by frecklefaerie at 10:25 AM on July 7, 2011
Just my 2 cents but if you sprung this on me without even telling me you applied I would be furious.
Where did you all get the idea he or she didn't tell her they applied? Maybe it was just a longshot thing, and OP is genuinely surprised?
Because this is a critical detail he omitted.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:30 PM on July 7, 2011
Where did you all get the idea he or she didn't tell her they applied? Maybe it was just a longshot thing, and OP is genuinely surprised?
Because this is a critical detail he omitted.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:30 PM on July 7, 2011
It sounds to me like you already have checked out of this relationship and you're just hoping not to have to own up to that. Talk about taking somebody for granted. Man, I wouldn't be surprised to find your dog forgot you and moved on to somebody else in six months, much less a girlfriend.
posted by Anitanola at 12:03 AM on July 8, 2011
posted by Anitanola at 12:03 AM on July 8, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by chrisfromthelc at 4:24 PM on July 6, 2011 [8 favorites]