Have you ever heard of a person getting mad at someone for something they did in a dream?
July 2, 2011 5:17 PM Subscribe
My mom woke up from a nap today and got very angry at me, for no reason at all. I asked her what was wrong and she told me about a nightmare and how I wouldn't run away from these tigers or whatever, after she kept calling me. I just laughed my head off, but she was seriously angry with me.
She told me stop laughing and then, to my surprise, she was somewhat snippy with me for the rest of the day. I just kept my distance and told her it was all right, it was just a nightmare. I assumed she'd get over it. She's a grown woman and should know that nightmares aren't real!
Then just a while ago, she came up to me and said, "remember, if you are in the path of a tiger, don't just STAND there. I don't know WHY you wouldn't come." And she slapped me on the shoulder, twice, pretty hard. She said she was still angry with me for what I did in HER dream. Again, I just laughed, but still. I was a little bothered because she's had HOURS to get over it and I've NEVER heard of someone blaming someone else for what they did in a dream. I did tell her that maybe she should try analyzing the dream, see what it means to her. I reminded her that SHE told me once that all the characters in a dream are parts of yourself, manifested as other people. She just looked like she wanted to lecture me and use HER dream...a product of HER mind...for to criticize me and my character.
Is that insane or what? I had to post it here because I've never heard of such a thing. Sounds almost like abuse to me. Talk about blaming someone for something they never did in the first place. I did absolutely NOTHING wrong, yet I get slapped, fussed at and criticized and blamed. It's not my fault my mom had a nightmare. It's not my fault that the version of me created by HER brain didn't act the way she wanted it to. Yet, I understand being a little mad when she first wakes up because it was fresh in her mind and she needed time to get over it. But if several hours pass by and she's STILL angry and she HITS me...that's ridiculous.
I've had dreams where people have done crazy things, yet I've never gotten mad at them in real life, because I know where a dream ends and reality begins!
So have any of you ever run into anything like this before? Because I've never heard of such a damn thing in my life.
She told me stop laughing and then, to my surprise, she was somewhat snippy with me for the rest of the day. I just kept my distance and told her it was all right, it was just a nightmare. I assumed she'd get over it. She's a grown woman and should know that nightmares aren't real!
Then just a while ago, she came up to me and said, "remember, if you are in the path of a tiger, don't just STAND there. I don't know WHY you wouldn't come." And she slapped me on the shoulder, twice, pretty hard. She said she was still angry with me for what I did in HER dream. Again, I just laughed, but still. I was a little bothered because she's had HOURS to get over it and I've NEVER heard of someone blaming someone else for what they did in a dream. I did tell her that maybe she should try analyzing the dream, see what it means to her. I reminded her that SHE told me once that all the characters in a dream are parts of yourself, manifested as other people. She just looked like she wanted to lecture me and use HER dream...a product of HER mind...for to criticize me and my character.
Is that insane or what? I had to post it here because I've never heard of such a thing. Sounds almost like abuse to me. Talk about blaming someone for something they never did in the first place. I did absolutely NOTHING wrong, yet I get slapped, fussed at and criticized and blamed. It's not my fault my mom had a nightmare. It's not my fault that the version of me created by HER brain didn't act the way she wanted it to. Yet, I understand being a little mad when she first wakes up because it was fresh in her mind and she needed time to get over it. But if several hours pass by and she's STILL angry and she HITS me...that's ridiculous.
I've had dreams where people have done crazy things, yet I've never gotten mad at them in real life, because I know where a dream ends and reality begins!
So have any of you ever run into anything like this before? Because I've never heard of such a damn thing in my life.
Lots of people are like your mom, blaming others for what happens in their dreams. It's kinda unsettling for adults to act like this but it's no biggie.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 5:23 PM on July 2, 2011
posted by Foci for Analysis at 5:23 PM on July 2, 2011
I have definitely woken up irrationally angry at my husband over something I dreamed. Sometimes because he was being stupid in the dream, sometimes because he'd betrayed me in some way, etc. He's done the same to me. I don't think I've ever carried it any farther than being grumpy until I showered and woke up completely, although such dreams have prompted good conversations later on. That must've been some disturbing dream your mom had!
posted by crowyhead at 5:25 PM on July 2, 2011
posted by crowyhead at 5:25 PM on July 2, 2011
It's a little strange that she was still hanging on to and acting on those emotions hours later, but having a strong emotional reaction to a dream is not at all uncommon.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:28 PM on July 2, 2011
posted by jacquilynne at 5:28 PM on July 2, 2011
we had a rule in our house growing up - if we got punished for something our mom dreamed we did, we would wait for dad to get home and plead our case that it never happened. it happened enough it was a set process.
posted by nadawi at 5:30 PM on July 2, 2011 [11 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 5:30 PM on July 2, 2011 [11 favorites]
I think the way that she's reacting is not okay. Has she ever done anything like this before? It seems like you did not expect this kind of behavior from her. Certainly it's not okay for her to hit you (and it wouldn't be okay for her to hit you if you *had* been "standing in the path of a tiger and refusing to move") and I think that you are justified in being very upset with her.
But, to answer the question you've posed... yes, I've had emotions from dreams last a little bit longer than it seems like they should. Not for a whole day, no. Yet if her dream was scary enough and vivid enough, the emotions could linger for long enough that they are still affecting her, even hours later. At least, I don't think that's inconceivable. Imagine how angry you would be at someone, if it seemed like they were in mortal danger and you were trying to save them, and then it turned out that they were not and had never been in danger. Your anger would be irrational, but it would be an understandable reaction. All that I can't understand here is why she's actually yelled at you and *hit* you. That part's not okay.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 5:31 PM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
But, to answer the question you've posed... yes, I've had emotions from dreams last a little bit longer than it seems like they should. Not for a whole day, no. Yet if her dream was scary enough and vivid enough, the emotions could linger for long enough that they are still affecting her, even hours later. At least, I don't think that's inconceivable. Imagine how angry you would be at someone, if it seemed like they were in mortal danger and you were trying to save them, and then it turned out that they were not and had never been in danger. Your anger would be irrational, but it would be an understandable reaction. All that I can't understand here is why she's actually yelled at you and *hit* you. That part's not okay.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 5:31 PM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
Remember that she was mad because she was afraid you'd be eaten by a tiger.
Emotions in dreams can be very intense, and I don't know if there's anything scarier than someone you love being in danger, and not being able to help them.
Ideally she would calm herself down, or at least keep herself from expressing her anger to you, but maybe it will help you not get angry in return if you keep in mind that she was upset by the dream because she loves you so much.
posted by BrashTech at 5:31 PM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
Emotions in dreams can be very intense, and I don't know if there's anything scarier than someone you love being in danger, and not being able to help them.
Ideally she would calm herself down, or at least keep herself from expressing her anger to you, but maybe it will help you not get angry in return if you keep in mind that she was upset by the dream because she loves you so much.
posted by BrashTech at 5:31 PM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
I had a terrible dream about my partner the other night, which was so upsetting that it genuinely left me a little disoriented for several hours. I had to wake him up and ask him "you're not really [terrible thing that sounds hilarious now but was awful at the time], right?" Even then, I couldn't shake the feeling for much of the rest of the day. Yes, of course it was irrational and yes, of course I knew objectively that it was just a dream, but some deep mental/emotional pathway had gotten buzzed that it took me a full day to get over. (It's now already become a running joke for us.)
posted by scody at 5:33 PM on July 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by scody at 5:33 PM on July 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
It sounds like she was taking it to extremes, but yes, this happens to me sometimes
Usually it's just that a bad dream will color my feelings about myself for the whole day, but sometimes I'll wake up from a dream about fighting with my parents and spend the day ruminating about things about them that upset me or a dream about enjoying cuddling with someone who isn't my boyfriend and spend the day feeling kind of guilty and distant and being a little snippy to him - things like that.
It sounds like your mom's reacting this way because the idea of you being in danger (or putting yourself in danger) really upsets her! That's actually kind of sweet (aside from the hitting, though that's hard to assess without having been there).
Random possibility - has she started taking any new medications lately? Several different drugs can effect dream intensity, so if she has that might have something to do with it.
posted by bubukaba at 5:40 PM on July 2, 2011
Usually it's just that a bad dream will color my feelings about myself for the whole day, but sometimes I'll wake up from a dream about fighting with my parents and spend the day ruminating about things about them that upset me or a dream about enjoying cuddling with someone who isn't my boyfriend and spend the day feeling kind of guilty and distant and being a little snippy to him - things like that.
It sounds like your mom's reacting this way because the idea of you being in danger (or putting yourself in danger) really upsets her! That's actually kind of sweet (aside from the hitting, though that's hard to assess without having been there).
Random possibility - has she started taking any new medications lately? Several different drugs can effect dream intensity, so if she has that might have something to do with it.
posted by bubukaba at 5:40 PM on July 2, 2011
I just laughed my head off,
Some people have terrible nightmares which leave them both physically and emotionally shaky for hours afterwards. (I do.) Being laughed at because something terrifying happened to you (even if it was just a dream) is a very unpleasant experience. Maybe your mother is more mad that you mocked her reaction to the nightmare than she is about the nightmare itself. I would be.
I did absolutely NOTHING wrong
She shouldn't have hit you, but yeah, you did. Laughing at somebody's fear is being an ass.
posted by frobozz at 5:42 PM on July 2, 2011 [24 favorites]
Some people have terrible nightmares which leave them both physically and emotionally shaky for hours afterwards. (I do.) Being laughed at because something terrifying happened to you (even if it was just a dream) is a very unpleasant experience. Maybe your mother is more mad that you mocked her reaction to the nightmare than she is about the nightmare itself. I would be.
I did absolutely NOTHING wrong
She shouldn't have hit you, but yeah, you did. Laughing at somebody's fear is being an ass.
posted by frobozz at 5:42 PM on July 2, 2011 [24 favorites]
I hardly ever remember dreaming at all, But I can get really annoyed at people if the happen to wake me up at a wrong time in my sleep, because my brain hasn't gotten up to speed yet and nothing is making sense. The confusion goes away quickly, but the annoyance may not, if the waking was unnecessary.
Another thing I've noticed is that irrational annoyance from thoughts/fiction/sleep can carry over to the real world. So I can have an irrational reaction to someone if I've been immersed in a book. But realizing it's internal, I can mostly suppress the reaction.
Some people are not good at distinguishing reality from fantasy. This is something that can happen to us all occasionally, but if this is a regular occurrence, there might be a more serious emotional disturbance at work.
posted by HFSH at 5:42 PM on July 2, 2011
Another thing I've noticed is that irrational annoyance from thoughts/fiction/sleep can carry over to the real world. So I can have an irrational reaction to someone if I've been immersed in a book. But realizing it's internal, I can mostly suppress the reaction.
Some people are not good at distinguishing reality from fantasy. This is something that can happen to us all occasionally, but if this is a regular occurrence, there might be a more serious emotional disturbance at work.
posted by HFSH at 5:42 PM on July 2, 2011
I've always called this an emotional hangover; the worst ones have lasted all day, but talking to the person in them has always reassured me that whatever I believed from the dream wasn't true.
Smacks on the shoulder may have different weight in different households, but it sounds like she was really upset and wanted to impress upon you this Important Lesson. If she's not otherwise threatening or grudge-holding or abusive, I wouldn't ascribe too much to this.
posted by fiercecupcake at 5:43 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Smacks on the shoulder may have different weight in different households, but it sounds like she was really upset and wanted to impress upon you this Important Lesson. If she's not otherwise threatening or grudge-holding or abusive, I wouldn't ascribe too much to this.
posted by fiercecupcake at 5:43 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Hitting is not OK. Really intense dreams that freak you out for hours afterwards and impact your perception of events and people around you are pretty normal. You're a grown woman; tell your mom that you won't accept her hitting you no matter how pissed off she is. And, avoid her if she has another creepy dream, just to be on the safe side, especially if you're inclined to make fun of her for being freaked out.
posted by SMPA at 5:43 PM on July 2, 2011
posted by SMPA at 5:43 PM on July 2, 2011
I held on to an irrational dislike for a guy I worked with for weeks after I dreamed he groped me in a particularly obnoxious way. I totally understand he didn't do anything wrong, and I have no idea why I dreamed it as I have never gotten a lecherous sort of vibe from him, but it took me a long time to stop looking daggers at him behind his back.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:46 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:46 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't hear you saying that you clearly explained to her that this was upsetting you. You just laughed. I think it might be interesting and helpful to specifically say "Mom, I have to say that this feels unfair to me and is upsetting me. You are blaming me for something I never did in the first place. I did absolutely nothing wrong. It's not my fault you had a nightmare. I know it was upsetting to you. And yet I cannot control what the version of me created by your mind does! :) Yet here I got slapped, fussed at, criticized and blamed. I don't believe that's fair. When you stay mad at me like this, and especially when you hit me, it upsets me. It's hard for me. And especially in this situation, I feel indignant and unjustly accused! I wish you would let go of what happened in the dream. Maybe you could go back into the same dream again tonight and get mad at the character in the dream or something. :)"
I don't think laughing is helpful because (a) it doesn't acknowledge the real, hard feelings she is having, and (b) it makes it appear that her behavior doesn't bother you, when in fact it does.
posted by salvia at 5:49 PM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
I don't think laughing is helpful because (a) it doesn't acknowledge the real, hard feelings she is having, and (b) it makes it appear that her behavior doesn't bother you, when in fact it does.
posted by salvia at 5:49 PM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
First, she was mad because of what you did in the dream. It happens. Your emotions don't just stop once you realize it was a dream.
Now, though, she's mad at you because you were dismissive and disrespectful. Yes, even though the situation was ridiculous.
Next, she will be mad at you just because she's mad at you. That can last years. The best way to defuse it is to go to her and say, "Mom, I'm sorry I laughed off your nightmare. It just came out of nowhere, and I didn't know what else to do. I promise, from the bottom of my heart, to run away from tigers." And just leave it at that. It won't cost you anything, as ridiculous as it will feel.
If she wants to stay mad, well, there's nothing you can do. But it'll be better in the long run to apologize. Odds are she's trying to come up with a way to apologize that doesn't make her feel like an idiot. Be the bigger person and don't make her have to feel like that.
posted by Etrigan at 5:50 PM on July 2, 2011 [9 favorites]
Now, though, she's mad at you because you were dismissive and disrespectful. Yes, even though the situation was ridiculous.
Next, she will be mad at you just because she's mad at you. That can last years. The best way to defuse it is to go to her and say, "Mom, I'm sorry I laughed off your nightmare. It just came out of nowhere, and I didn't know what else to do. I promise, from the bottom of my heart, to run away from tigers." And just leave it at that. It won't cost you anything, as ridiculous as it will feel.
If she wants to stay mad, well, there's nothing you can do. But it'll be better in the long run to apologize. Odds are she's trying to come up with a way to apologize that doesn't make her feel like an idiot. Be the bigger person and don't make her have to feel like that.
posted by Etrigan at 5:50 PM on July 2, 2011 [9 favorites]
Nobody has asked a key question: how old is she? Are you worried that this is the leading edge of dementia?
posted by zadcat at 5:53 PM on July 2, 2011 [10 favorites]
posted by zadcat at 5:53 PM on July 2, 2011 [10 favorites]
I've had dreams that left me upset and questioning my reality for days. Even though I rationally know I woke up from the reality in which the dream occurred, the fact is that I experienced something that was hard to cope with, even if only in my head.
Dreams can be very hard to wake up from. Consider yourself lucky you've never had a dream like this.
posted by troublesome at 5:55 PM on July 2, 2011
Dreams can be very hard to wake up from. Consider yourself lucky you've never had a dream like this.
posted by troublesome at 5:55 PM on July 2, 2011
If I told someone I'd just had the most terrifying dream, and they laughed at me, I might be a little peeved at them. When you had nightmares or were scared of the boogeyman, did you want to be comforted or laughed at?
♫ Parents are people... ♫ People with children...
posted by salvia at 5:55 PM on July 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
♫ Parents are people... ♫ People with children...
posted by salvia at 5:55 PM on July 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
(Sorry, that came off as harsher than I meant it. I hate being asked rhetorical questions myself so I should remember not to use them myself. Sorry about that.)
posted by salvia at 5:59 PM on July 2, 2011
posted by salvia at 5:59 PM on July 2, 2011
And she slapped me on the shoulder, twice, pretty hard.
She should NOT have done this. That was not okay.
So have any of you ever run into anything like this before? Because I've never heard of such a damn thing in my life.
I am an only child. I have never had any siblings.
I once had a nightmare that my brother was attacked by monsters, and despite my attempts at first aid, he bled to death in my arms while I was waiting for an ambulance.
When I woke up, I was in tears and deeply distressed for an hour, despite knowing that I never had a brother in real life.
For 40 minutes after I woke up, the memory of watching my brother die was more real than the real-life fact that my boyfriend was lying next to me in bed, that I never had a brother, etc.
and I had a subdued/sad mood for the rest of the day. It was all just so real, y'know?
posted by Year of meteors at 6:04 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
She should NOT have done this. That was not okay.
So have any of you ever run into anything like this before? Because I've never heard of such a damn thing in my life.
I am an only child. I have never had any siblings.
I once had a nightmare that my brother was attacked by monsters, and despite my attempts at first aid, he bled to death in my arms while I was waiting for an ambulance.
When I woke up, I was in tears and deeply distressed for an hour, despite knowing that I never had a brother in real life.
For 40 minutes after I woke up, the memory of watching my brother die was more real than the real-life fact that my boyfriend was lying next to me in bed, that I never had a brother, etc.
and I had a subdued/sad mood for the rest of the day. It was all just so real, y'know?
posted by Year of meteors at 6:04 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Some medications, including SSRIs for depression, can have a side effect of vivid dreaming and difficulty telling dreams from reality. I was on a drug like this once, and it really does mess with you. So you might consider whether or not your mom is taking any medications that might cause this.
Even aside from the drug incident, I've had this happen and and my boyfriend still makes fun of me 10 years later for screaming at him about snakes one night. At the time, though, he didn't laugh at me. I agree with the above that she had no right to hit you, but you shouldn't have laughed at her.
posted by cabingirl at 6:05 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Even aside from the drug incident, I've had this happen and and my boyfriend still makes fun of me 10 years later for screaming at him about snakes one night. At the time, though, he didn't laugh at me. I agree with the above that she had no right to hit you, but you shouldn't have laughed at her.
posted by cabingirl at 6:05 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't think the starpoint was laughing at the terror of her mother. Rather, she was laughing at the absurdity of being blamed for it--read the question again, her mother was angry at her before even telling her about the dream.
The "carrying anger from a dream into reality" does happen to some people, starpoint, so your mother isn't uniquely crazy. However, when it doesn't dissipate upon being confronted with reality, it's the fault of the dreamer, and totally inapporpriate. Escalating to violence? Extremely awful and I would likely not want to be anywhere near the perpetrator for quite some time.
posted by stevis23 at 6:08 PM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
The "carrying anger from a dream into reality" does happen to some people, starpoint, so your mother isn't uniquely crazy. However, when it doesn't dissipate upon being confronted with reality, it's the fault of the dreamer, and totally inapporpriate. Escalating to violence? Extremely awful and I would likely not want to be anywhere near the perpetrator for quite some time.
posted by stevis23 at 6:08 PM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
How old is she? How old are you? Has she shown any prior signs of bizarre behavior recently? If she's in her 60's or older, is she getting increasingly forgetful? How's her driving? If she's not that old, has she shown prior signs of mental illness and has she previously been violent towards you?
Yes, a dream can leave people emotionally unsettled but hitting someone hours later is not normal behavior and a medical exam seems in order, particularly if this is not an isolated incident of weird behavior and particularly if she's 60's or older.
posted by Maias at 6:17 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yes, a dream can leave people emotionally unsettled but hitting someone hours later is not normal behavior and a medical exam seems in order, particularly if this is not an isolated incident of weird behavior and particularly if she's 60's or older.
posted by Maias at 6:17 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have very vivid dreams and sometimes wake up angry at my fiance for things he did in my dreams. He groans whenever I said, "So, I had this dream last night..." because he knows he's in trouble for something. It's a running joke between us now. It happens. I don't ever stay angry at him but he's often in trouble for pissing me off in my dreams.
posted by whatideserve at 6:31 PM on July 2, 2011
posted by whatideserve at 6:31 PM on July 2, 2011
Maias is making a valid point. Although there's no strong reason to suspect dementia, your mother's behaviour sounds quite strange. It may be simply that she was in a bad mood and acted in a weird way (as we all do), but you really should talk to her about what happened and why. This is something that seemed odd enough and upsetting enough to bring you here, so it's worth dealing with.
The most prosaic answer is that she's upset with you over something, and the dream was a good excuse for expressing that anger. You'll only find out what's going on if you talk to her.
posted by howfar at 6:32 PM on July 2, 2011
The most prosaic answer is that she's upset with you over something, and the dream was a good excuse for expressing that anger. You'll only find out what's going on if you talk to her.
posted by howfar at 6:32 PM on July 2, 2011
Maybe she subconsciously feels you don't "avoid tigers" in your waking life and the emotions are tied into that.
But yeah, she probably needs to have a chat with a doctor particularly since you say this is out of the blue.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:00 PM on July 2, 2011
But yeah, she probably needs to have a chat with a doctor particularly since you say this is out of the blue.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:00 PM on July 2, 2011
Don't mock people's emotions.
And don't blow things out of proportion just because someone else does.
Yes, it's possible to have an extremely sensitive, emotional reaction to a dream that lingers for a long period of time.
But the bulk of the response from your mother is that you were insensitive to her emotions and to her trying to communicate them with you.
posted by mleigh at 7:01 PM on July 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
And don't blow things out of proportion just because someone else does.
Yes, it's possible to have an extremely sensitive, emotional reaction to a dream that lingers for a long period of time.
But the bulk of the response from your mother is that you were insensitive to her emotions and to her trying to communicate them with you.
posted by mleigh at 7:01 PM on July 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm wondering about dementia also. It's one thing to have lingering emotional resentment from a dream, and usually the person experiencing it is aware that it's unreasonable even if they can't just make the feeling disappear. Her actually hitting you as a result of what you did in the dream is really concerning. Her hitting you doesn't sound like a result of her being upset that you laughed at her fear, but that you aren't taking her seriously and that you really should run away from tigers and what you did in her dream was really stupid. It's a delusion at that point. I know it's hard to think like this about your mom, but this might be a symptom of something more serious going on.
posted by wondermouse at 7:01 PM on July 2, 2011
posted by wondermouse at 7:01 PM on July 2, 2011
If my mom came at me worried about tigers, I'd laugh too. I would then freak out about her behavior, seriously, especially if she were hitting me. We don't know how old she is or what medications she's on or not on, but this is pretty strange behavior.
posted by sweetkid at 7:43 PM on July 2, 2011
posted by sweetkid at 7:43 PM on July 2, 2011
Her reaction sounds very inappropriate, but I would not leap to the word "abuse" unless either 1) you're much weaker or smaller than she is, or 2) she really let you have it.
It sounds like your mom is weird as hell and less than fully sane. You can find a list of other people in this situation here.
posted by foursentences at 7:46 PM on July 2, 2011
It sounds like your mom is weird as hell and less than fully sane. You can find a list of other people in this situation here.
posted by foursentences at 7:46 PM on July 2, 2011
Silly question: are there tigers where you live? If you live in a place where tiger attacks are a possibility, I can see cutting someone a little more slack than if you live where tigers just aren't a danger.
posted by gjc at 7:46 PM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by gjc at 7:46 PM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'd take your mother to the ER in order to rule out a stroke. Unexpected changes in fundamental demeanor should not be laughed at, or explained away by other people's experience with nightmares, they should be evaluated by a doctor.
posted by OmieWise at 7:51 PM on July 2, 2011
posted by OmieWise at 7:51 PM on July 2, 2011
I know it's been mentioned already, but I'm really wondering how much of the continuing irritation has to do with you laughing at her.
posted by randomkeystrike at 8:28 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by randomkeystrike at 8:28 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
One idea might be to combine an apology with a comment about some of the indignation that led to it, e.g., "I'm sorry I laughed at your scared feelings about your dream. I guess I did it because I was surprised, and a little hurt that you were truly angry at me. Since I can't control what happens in your dreams, it felt unfair to be blamed for it, almost ridiculous. So I guess I laughed out of shock, and kind of to protect myself from feeling hurt, and as a way of communicating that I didn't think it made sense to blame me. But that wasn't a good way to communicate. And I am sorry that I laughed when you were truly feeling upset."
posted by salvia at 9:33 PM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by salvia at 9:33 PM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
Some folks believe that dreams often are prophetic. Your mom may feel that this dream was a warning of some danger that you may encounter in real life. She's afraid that you will ignore this (real life) danger, just as you had in her dream. I imagine your laughing at her fear was very infuriating and frustrating for her--she's just trying to impress upon you the dire need to take danger seriously, and run from the tigers when (and if) that time comes.
posted by pushing paper and bottoming chairs at 10:05 PM on July 2, 2011
posted by pushing paper and bottoming chairs at 10:05 PM on July 2, 2011
This Basic Instructions web comic about being mad at someone for what they did in your dream is relevant. (Just showing that - aside from the hitting - this is something that happens sometimes.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:21 PM on July 2, 2011
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:21 PM on July 2, 2011
This happened to my grandma. Suddenly not understanding what is reality and what isn't is very serious.
I know we can joke about this because I know young women (sorry, it has been all women in my experience, not reading into that just saying) who have done this to people I've known, but I also agree that it can be a warning sign of worse things in older people.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:12 AM on July 3, 2011
I know we can joke about this because I know young women (sorry, it has been all women in my experience, not reading into that just saying) who have done this to people I've known, but I also agree that it can be a warning sign of worse things in older people.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:12 AM on July 3, 2011
The dream seems like a fairly transparent representation of a situation where your mother feels that you are not taking care of yourself. This chain of events makes perfect sense to me:
1. Your mother feels, because of your real behaviour, that you are ignoring her advice and running headlong into danger.
2. She kind of ignores those feelings because she can't deal with them right now. Maybe that's because she has a reason to discount them as not entirely reasonable, or maybe it's just because they're too overwhelming.
3. Because this is on her mind at the moment, she has the dream.
4. When she wakes up, the feelings associated with the dream don't dissipate, because they are actually real feelings that the dream happened to give a fantastical explanation for.
5. Because of the above, she gets a strong sense of 'reality' when she's thinking about her feelings. Essentially, she's just accessed the original feelings, but the dream has given her a 'cover' so that she doesn't have to think about the real situation that produced them.
6. Bizarre behaviour ensues.
I'm not saying it's actually how things happened, but it seems plausible.
posted by Acheman at 3:16 AM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
1. Your mother feels, because of your real behaviour, that you are ignoring her advice and running headlong into danger.
2. She kind of ignores those feelings because she can't deal with them right now. Maybe that's because she has a reason to discount them as not entirely reasonable, or maybe it's just because they're too overwhelming.
3. Because this is on her mind at the moment, she has the dream.
4. When she wakes up, the feelings associated with the dream don't dissipate, because they are actually real feelings that the dream happened to give a fantastical explanation for.
5. Because of the above, she gets a strong sense of 'reality' when she's thinking about her feelings. Essentially, she's just accessed the original feelings, but the dream has given her a 'cover' so that she doesn't have to think about the real situation that produced them.
6. Bizarre behaviour ensues.
I'm not saying it's actually how things happened, but it seems plausible.
posted by Acheman at 3:16 AM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
she is not mad at you, she is angry. Waking up angry is very common, and there is not much that can be done about it right away with the exception of being left alone.
The dream is just tangential to this but the emotion is very real, so don't hold it against her.
posted by 3mendo at 3:48 AM on July 3, 2011
The dream is just tangential to this but the emotion is very real, so don't hold it against her.
posted by 3mendo at 3:48 AM on July 3, 2011
A few months ago, I woke up seriously angry with absolutely everyone I knew because I'd dreamed that they'd been eating my cadbury creme eggs and left the wrappers strewn around everywhere to taunt me with what they'd done. (Luckily, I had some cadbury eggs stashed away, so I was quickly able to reassure myself with a 4 am trip to the kitchen that this had not in fact happened and then got over it pretty quickly thereafter and laughed about it with my friends all day.) I've had a lot of wacky dreams since then, and I always make a point of remembering the cadbury egg dream if I'm feeling especially emotional in response, so I don't feel grumpy/panicked/upset for too long.
Just offering that anecdote for what it's worth. I hope this is just a one-time instance with your mom, and not indicative of something else brewing.
posted by amestar_runner at 8:01 AM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Just offering that anecdote for what it's worth. I hope this is just a one-time instance with your mom, and not indicative of something else brewing.
posted by amestar_runner at 8:01 AM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Back when I was dating my now-husband the first time, I had a terrible nightmare and woke up panicked and shaky from it. I woke him up (sort of--he was mostly still asleep, it turns out) to tell him about it and get a little comforting. He snippily said, and I quote, "Well, what do you want me to do about it?"
It took me weeks to get over this reaction to my waking him, needing a little reassurance. This was 15 years ago, and I still get a little twinge of hurt/anger when I think of it. It is fair to say that this damaged our relationship in some small way, mainly because I was so emotionally fragile from the dream. He doesn't even remember saying it, indeed, didn't remember saying it the next morning, and has apologized for his curtness repeatedly, even though he rightly says that he shouldn't be held accountable for essentially sleep-talking.
So, yeah. Laughing at your mother was not a great reaction. Apologize to the poor woman, and for christsakes, RUN if there is a tiger after you.
posted by thebrokedown at 8:05 AM on July 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
It took me weeks to get over this reaction to my waking him, needing a little reassurance. This was 15 years ago, and I still get a little twinge of hurt/anger when I think of it. It is fair to say that this damaged our relationship in some small way, mainly because I was so emotionally fragile from the dream. He doesn't even remember saying it, indeed, didn't remember saying it the next morning, and has apologized for his curtness repeatedly, even though he rightly says that he shouldn't be held accountable for essentially sleep-talking.
So, yeah. Laughing at your mother was not a great reaction. Apologize to the poor woman, and for christsakes, RUN if there is a tiger after you.
posted by thebrokedown at 8:05 AM on July 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
You laughed your head off about a traumatic experience your mom had (in a dream, yes, but it was still experienced).
And if dreams mean anything, I think, it's that they reflect the dreamer's subconscious. Which in this case is fear that you won't run away from a dangerous situation.
Apologize to your mom and have a mature conversation about this. Try to imagine this from her perspective - she's worried about you, she starts to tell you, and you get bratty. Obviously dreams aren't "real," but that's not the whole issue and it's overly simplistic to imagine that it is.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:20 AM on July 3, 2011
And if dreams mean anything, I think, it's that they reflect the dreamer's subconscious. Which in this case is fear that you won't run away from a dangerous situation.
Apologize to your mom and have a mature conversation about this. Try to imagine this from her perspective - she's worried about you, she starts to tell you, and you get bratty. Obviously dreams aren't "real," but that's not the whole issue and it's overly simplistic to imagine that it is.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:20 AM on July 3, 2011
Why not try asking your mom if there was ever a time when you actually were in real danger, and she was trying to warn you, and you weren't listening. Maybe something happened when you were a young child that involved a large animal that freaked your mom out e.g. trip to the zoo, visiting a friend with a large animal, etc. It might not be anything that you remember, but it sure sounds like your mom remembers - on a subconscious level, at the very least.
As someone already pointed out, it's hard to imagine anything scarier than someone you love being in danger, and not being able to help them. Maybe it's hard for your mom to conveniently let go because once upon a time it did really happen, but she's just not consciously aware of where her fear is coming from because it happened so long ago. Maybe she's confusing her dream with reality because once upon a time it was a reality, and the memory just happened to manifest itself in a dream yesterday.
posted by human ecologist at 8:22 AM on July 3, 2011
As someone already pointed out, it's hard to imagine anything scarier than someone you love being in danger, and not being able to help them. Maybe it's hard for your mom to conveniently let go because once upon a time it did really happen, but she's just not consciously aware of where her fear is coming from because it happened so long ago. Maybe she's confusing her dream with reality because once upon a time it was a reality, and the memory just happened to manifest itself in a dream yesterday.
posted by human ecologist at 8:22 AM on July 3, 2011
The one and only time my own mother slapped me (not hard, and no, she's not abusive. I suffered absolutely zero lingering harm from the incident.) was when I laughed at her when she was pissed off at something.
I don't condone slapping in any situation, but I'll admit, I totally earned that one. If someone is already angry, pretty much the worst thing you can do is laugh and imply that their anger isn't valid. They're already pissed, and you've just poured lighter fluid onto the fire. I've never slapped anyone over it, but I've been on the other side of the coin where during a very emotional argument in the divorce process, my now ex-husband laughed at me when I was upset and I was filled with the sudden urge to BREAK ALL THE THINGS. (I contained myself, but man, it was the worst.)
And yes, I've also had the experience - many times - of waking up from a dream and taking several hours, if not a full day, to shake off the emotions despite knowing that it wasn't real.
posted by sonika at 8:45 AM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't condone slapping in any situation, but I'll admit, I totally earned that one. If someone is already angry, pretty much the worst thing you can do is laugh and imply that their anger isn't valid. They're already pissed, and you've just poured lighter fluid onto the fire. I've never slapped anyone over it, but I've been on the other side of the coin where during a very emotional argument in the divorce process, my now ex-husband laughed at me when I was upset and I was filled with the sudden urge to BREAK ALL THE THINGS. (I contained myself, but man, it was the worst.)
And yes, I've also had the experience - many times - of waking up from a dream and taking several hours, if not a full day, to shake off the emotions despite knowing that it wasn't real.
posted by sonika at 8:45 AM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I think her anger probably came from being laughed at. Even though it sounded so absurd and I probably would have laughed, imagine being a mother who just experienced the very real emotional impact of watching a child in danger and being unable to do anything about it. Maybe the two of you don't have the greatest communication, and she was trying to tell you how devastated she'd be if you put yourself in danger and something happened to you. You laughed, she got angry. Put your arms around her and tell her you love her and won't get eaten by a tiger.
Then again, one time I woke my mom up from a nap and she started screaming her head off because she was having a dream about a giant tick and thought I was the giant tick coming to bite her. She was mad at me for waking her up for the rest of the day and scaring her so bad.
posted by motsque at 9:08 AM on July 3, 2011
Then again, one time I woke my mom up from a nap and she started screaming her head off because she was having a dream about a giant tick and thought I was the giant tick coming to bite her. She was mad at me for waking her up for the rest of the day and scaring her so bad.
posted by motsque at 9:08 AM on July 3, 2011
I dated a girl for a while who would have nightmares where I was a dick in some way or another. She would wake up and expect me to apologize.
posted by aganders3 at 2:47 PM on July 3, 2011
posted by aganders3 at 2:47 PM on July 3, 2011
Profile says asker is twenty-eight years old [I mention for the benefit of answerers who, as I initially assumed, figure they are dealing with a tween or thereabouts here].
I agree that you want to think about taking Mom to an ER. You're a grown woman; you can do the right thing here...
posted by kmennie at 5:58 PM on July 3, 2011
I agree that you want to think about taking Mom to an ER. You're a grown woman; you can do the right thing here...
posted by kmennie at 5:58 PM on July 3, 2011
Is it just me, or is everyone who has said they've experienced this phenomenon (being angry with someone for what they did in a dream) female?
I've heard of this happening, but I don't think I've ever heard an example where the angry dreamer was male.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 11:26 PM on July 3, 2011
I've heard of this happening, but I don't think I've ever heard an example where the angry dreamer was male.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 11:26 PM on July 3, 2011
This hasn't happened to me, but when I first heard of it, my reaction was similar to yours - it sounded absurd, laughable to blame someone for what they did in a dream. I still don't think it's right, but the key to understanding it is to realise that for some people, their emotions are their primary reality, as opposed an artefact of an external truth.
posted by Busy Old Fool at 6:03 AM on July 4, 2011
posted by Busy Old Fool at 6:03 AM on July 4, 2011
the key to understanding it is to realise that for some people, their emotions are their primary reality, as opposed an artefact of an external truth.
No, this is not the key to understanding it at all. My emotions are not my "primary reality" (whatever that means), and I don't see anything in this thread that suggests that that's the case for anyone else who's experienced this phenomenon.
posted by scody at 10:39 AM on July 4, 2011
No, this is not the key to understanding it at all. My emotions are not my "primary reality" (whatever that means), and I don't see anything in this thread that suggests that that's the case for anyone else who's experienced this phenomenon.
posted by scody at 10:39 AM on July 4, 2011
I've heard of this happening, but I don't think I've ever heard an example where the angry dreamer was male.
I can think of at least two different men who've held me varying degrees of accountable for things Dream Me has done. I've definitely apologized for Dream Me's actions before. I guess I am the kind of person whose personality lodges deep in men's subconscious minds...eventually driving them to madness? Interesting!
posted by troublesome at 12:52 PM on July 4, 2011
I can think of at least two different men who've held me varying degrees of accountable for things Dream Me has done. I've definitely apologized for Dream Me's actions before. I guess I am the kind of person whose personality lodges deep in men's subconscious minds...eventually driving them to madness? Interesting!
posted by troublesome at 12:52 PM on July 4, 2011
I have definitely had vivid dreams where I woke up furious at my SO, but I was able to soothe myself and get over it in a matter of minutes or at most a couple of hours. (Sometimes I wanted a teeny bit of coddling and reassurance, but I was okay with being teased at the same time, and I managed fine even when I didn't get the reassurance.)
In contrast, my dad had a (really big) stroke that left him with damage to an area straddling the right frontal and temporal lobes, and afterwards he confused his dreams with reality all the time. If you contradicted him - "No, your ex-girlfriend did not sleep in your hospital bed with you last night" - he would agree, but later he'd make the same factual error.
So, this does happen to healthy, reasonably "normal" people, but if your mom doesn't seem to know that the tiger wasn't real, you need get her to the doctor pronto.
That said - I know as a matter of policy we don't go fishing through posting history just to snoop. But based on your posting history it does seem like your relationship with your mom has had some tricky moments, especially around when and how it's appropriate to express anger. I think maybe your mom is fishing for reassurance, and you're resisting because the immediate situation isn't of your making (true, there are no tigers!), but the greater situation involves both of you, and you can reassure her that you would listen to her if she warned you about tigers or bad landlords or dietary cholesterol.
posted by gingerest at 7:36 PM on July 4, 2011
In contrast, my dad had a (really big) stroke that left him with damage to an area straddling the right frontal and temporal lobes, and afterwards he confused his dreams with reality all the time. If you contradicted him - "No, your ex-girlfriend did not sleep in your hospital bed with you last night" - he would agree, but later he'd make the same factual error.
So, this does happen to healthy, reasonably "normal" people, but if your mom doesn't seem to know that the tiger wasn't real, you need get her to the doctor pronto.
That said - I know as a matter of policy we don't go fishing through posting history just to snoop. But based on your posting history it does seem like your relationship with your mom has had some tricky moments, especially around when and how it's appropriate to express anger. I think maybe your mom is fishing for reassurance, and you're resisting because the immediate situation isn't of your making (true, there are no tigers!), but the greater situation involves both of you, and you can reassure her that you would listen to her if she warned you about tigers or bad landlords or dietary cholesterol.
posted by gingerest at 7:36 PM on July 4, 2011
The only time this ever happened to me was with the boyfriend that was physically and verbally abusive. He said that he wouldn't have had the dream where I did X if I hadn't given him a reason. He has borderline personality disorder.
posted by Pax at 12:00 PM on July 5, 2011
posted by Pax at 12:00 PM on July 5, 2011
I've heard of this happening, but I don't think I've ever heard an example where the angry dreamer was male.
See above. I attribute it to his personality disorder, though (one that is actually much more common in women). It happened several times and seemed to go along nicely with his paranoid ideation (constant accusations of cheating, thinking people were making fun of him, etc).
Not implying that anyone who has lingering emotions after a dream has a personality disorder. This guy's reaction was more severe than anything I'm reading above.
posted by Pax at 12:11 PM on July 5, 2011
See above. I attribute it to his personality disorder, though (one that is actually much more common in women). It happened several times and seemed to go along nicely with his paranoid ideation (constant accusations of cheating, thinking people were making fun of him, etc).
Not implying that anyone who has lingering emotions after a dream has a personality disorder. This guy's reaction was more severe than anything I'm reading above.
posted by Pax at 12:11 PM on July 5, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
What I didn't do, though, was act all snippy and slap him. If I were you, I'd be pissed! Especially since you reminded her about the theory that everyone in your dream is a part of yourself, etc.
posted by Specklet at 5:21 PM on July 2, 2011