How can I find a helpful mental health professional when I don't trust anyone?
May 3, 2011 11:59 AM
How can I find a helpful mental health professional when I don't trust anyone?
I am depressed or something, and need to talk to someone, but every time I have tried in the past, my complete distrust of the rest of humanity gets in the way. I have extra strong reasons for my reluctance to open up having had psych professionals break confidence during college, spending years locked up as a kid, and a long history of medical treatments that were punitive or pointless by docs that gave up and sought to deceive me out of their hair.
I have no friends or family to call on for help.
I am depressed or something, and need to talk to someone, but every time I have tried in the past, my complete distrust of the rest of humanity gets in the way. I have extra strong reasons for my reluctance to open up having had psych professionals break confidence during college, spending years locked up as a kid, and a long history of medical treatments that were punitive or pointless by docs that gave up and sought to deceive me out of their hair.
I have no friends or family to call on for help.
You can search for therapists that you think might be a good fit online now, which gives you more options. And you can phone interview prospective therapists to ask them about how they deal with trust and privacy issues.
Lastly, do you trust any other medical professionals? I started with my GP in searching for a therapist. It took some work from there, I didn't end up staying with the first, but it worked out beautifully with the second.
posted by ldthomps at 12:38 PM on May 3, 2011
Lastly, do you trust any other medical professionals? I started with my GP in searching for a therapist. It took some work from there, I didn't end up staying with the first, but it worked out beautifully with the second.
posted by ldthomps at 12:38 PM on May 3, 2011
I feel you, No1. One of my greatest fears was that something I said would be repeated. Unfortunately, you just don't know if the person you find is right for you, will keep your confidence or inspire trust.
However...I'm in my 40's now, occasionally severely depressed and frankly don't care if something I say to a therapist is dinner conversation for him later on. I like the guy I'm seeing, in fact have liked the last 3 therapists I've had. I decided to be open and honest with them and see how it went...sort of backwards from my normal approach of only letting them peek behind the curtain until I felt trust. The problem with history (your story is, unfortunately, all too common) and depression is it makes it nearly impossible to trust. So, know that going in, find someone who doesn't scare you and see how it goes. If, after a couple of sessions, you still aren't happy, find someone else.
Also, don't forget that trust is a two way street. The therapist has to have a certain amount of trust in you, too.
And yes, it does sound like a lot of work, but what's the alternative? If you put your fears and distrust of the world in your back pocket for an hour or two a week, you may find some real help.
One final note..."complete distrust of the rest of humanity" is putting a stumbling block in the path before you even start. There are people you can trust, even if your brain tells you differently. For example, if you take the bus to work, does the bus driver not follow the prescribed route? If you pay to see a particular movie, do they play that movie or something else? I know these are simple examples, but the whole world cannot be viewed as unworthy of trust. Find your own examples of "people and things I can count on". Build up that list until you see some light and then, perhaps, you become capable of talking to someone.
posted by johnn at 1:00 PM on May 3, 2011
However...I'm in my 40's now, occasionally severely depressed and frankly don't care if something I say to a therapist is dinner conversation for him later on. I like the guy I'm seeing, in fact have liked the last 3 therapists I've had. I decided to be open and honest with them and see how it went...sort of backwards from my normal approach of only letting them peek behind the curtain until I felt trust. The problem with history (your story is, unfortunately, all too common) and depression is it makes it nearly impossible to trust. So, know that going in, find someone who doesn't scare you and see how it goes. If, after a couple of sessions, you still aren't happy, find someone else.
Also, don't forget that trust is a two way street. The therapist has to have a certain amount of trust in you, too.
And yes, it does sound like a lot of work, but what's the alternative? If you put your fears and distrust of the world in your back pocket for an hour or two a week, you may find some real help.
One final note..."complete distrust of the rest of humanity" is putting a stumbling block in the path before you even start. There are people you can trust, even if your brain tells you differently. For example, if you take the bus to work, does the bus driver not follow the prescribed route? If you pay to see a particular movie, do they play that movie or something else? I know these are simple examples, but the whole world cannot be viewed as unworthy of trust. Find your own examples of "people and things I can count on". Build up that list until you see some light and then, perhaps, you become capable of talking to someone.
posted by johnn at 1:00 PM on May 3, 2011
I an unable to say anything when I meet a new doctor, they don't care since they get paid to sit quietly just as much as if they try to help, and nothing happens, and I leave pissed and depressed.
No, I do not have a trusting relationship with anyone medical.
I don't care who they tell, I am more concerned with being locked away and ignored again.
johnn, those people do their jobs for money not out of care or concern for fellow mankind. I am not saying there aren't people that other people can trust. I fully recognize that my inability to trust others limits others ability to trust me.
posted by No1UKnow at 1:36 PM on May 3, 2011
No, I do not have a trusting relationship with anyone medical.
I don't care who they tell, I am more concerned with being locked away and ignored again.
johnn, those people do their jobs for money not out of care or concern for fellow mankind. I am not saying there aren't people that other people can trust. I fully recognize that my inability to trust others limits others ability to trust me.
posted by No1UKnow at 1:36 PM on May 3, 2011
Could you write a letter to a new therapist, explaining what you've told us here (perhaps in more detail) and hand it to him/her at the first session? That way, they'll know why you're sitting quietly and that you'd like them to help you do something about it.
posted by decathecting at 1:44 PM on May 3, 2011
posted by decathecting at 1:44 PM on May 3, 2011
I am not a lawyer. Could you trust a lawyer? A local lawyer could possibly help walk you through, specifically, the logical reasons why you are not, as an adult, likely to get locked up as an adult, and the specific instances that would trigger a medical professional to call in outside authorities (so that you can avoid, postpone or frame any conversations that might trigger your issues or their reporting duties in your jurisdiction). If you think that might be helpful, perhaps someone with more background on the law side could elaborate on what kind of lawyer you should consult with for this, and how to approach it.
posted by deludingmyself at 3:49 PM on May 3, 2011
posted by deludingmyself at 3:49 PM on May 3, 2011
Just because someone gets paid for their doing something for money is no reason not to trust that person to do a good job. I get paid for the work I do. I also am called to my profession because I am good at it and provides a useful service to mankind. That is why i get paid for it. Just like the bus driver gets paid for being on time, doesn't mean he also cares about being on time and doing his job well. Chances are your therapist gets paid for his/her services, but it doesn't mean they are not also called to their profession.
BTW i don't mean called in the religous since. I mean called by something intrinsic in our makeup. I am good at math, and spatial relationships and systems in general. I am happy being an engineer because it makes use of these talents.
Trust is tough in a lot of cases, but life is really hard to live without trusting quite a few people, most you will never, ever meet. Like me, you may or may not live in my town that I work in (I am a civil engineer) but chances are their is someone just like me making sure your water is clean, the roads you drive on are safe and maintained, the lights stay on in your house.
I know it is hard but take a chance and just ask for what you need from your therapist. Their reaction will tell you all you need to know if that person is right for you. This does not leave you open for judgement or being locked up. Sometimes happiness (or at least a solution) is as simple as asking for it.
posted by bartonlong at 4:05 PM on May 3, 2011
BTW i don't mean called in the religous since. I mean called by something intrinsic in our makeup. I am good at math, and spatial relationships and systems in general. I am happy being an engineer because it makes use of these talents.
Trust is tough in a lot of cases, but life is really hard to live without trusting quite a few people, most you will never, ever meet. Like me, you may or may not live in my town that I work in (I am a civil engineer) but chances are their is someone just like me making sure your water is clean, the roads you drive on are safe and maintained, the lights stay on in your house.
I know it is hard but take a chance and just ask for what you need from your therapist. Their reaction will tell you all you need to know if that person is right for you. This does not leave you open for judgement or being locked up. Sometimes happiness (or at least a solution) is as simple as asking for it.
posted by bartonlong at 4:05 PM on May 3, 2011
I don't want to upset you, but is it possible that you were 'locked up' because you were a danger to yourself or others?
If you were suicidal, for example, a therapist has a responsibility to get you immediate care for that crisis. So, in a case like that, their actions may seem like they have broken confidence with you, as they had to let others know you were in imminent danger. This is a very specific limit on confidentiality. The only other reason to break confidence that I can think of is you let a therapist kmow you were a danger to someone through a specific threat about planning to harm that person.
Okay, so do your problems now fit either of those examples? If not, you don't have anything to worry about, and here's why: you are not a child any longer. You have rights, as an adult, and if anyone trespasses on those rights they will be held accountable. As a child, you understandably felt helpless! But you are not helpless now. You are in control.
And by the way, if a professional broke confidentiality when you were in college and you were not a danger to yourself or others, you may have legal recourse to hold that person accountable now, too.
Okay, so you don't trust anyone, and still don't want to talk to a professional? How has this been working out for you? Are you really better off not talking to anyone and sinking further into depression than at least giving therapy another try? You can walk out if you don't like it. You can say something outrageous to see how a prospective therapist reacts before you commit to one. You are in control.
Therapists work for you. You pay them. As you say, they get money either way, right? So why not make them work for their money? Challenge them, ask questions about their experience and education, make THEM tell you why you should work with them. You can rant, you can rave, you can glower and sulk. You can complain about the shitty stuff you went through as a kid and again in college because of other professionals, and let them know they will have to earn your trust.
Please though, do try again. I hate to see you hurting with no one to turn to.
Justnremember, this time, you are in control!
posted by misha at 5:05 PM on May 3, 2011
If you were suicidal, for example, a therapist has a responsibility to get you immediate care for that crisis. So, in a case like that, their actions may seem like they have broken confidence with you, as they had to let others know you were in imminent danger. This is a very specific limit on confidentiality. The only other reason to break confidence that I can think of is you let a therapist kmow you were a danger to someone through a specific threat about planning to harm that person.
Okay, so do your problems now fit either of those examples? If not, you don't have anything to worry about, and here's why: you are not a child any longer. You have rights, as an adult, and if anyone trespasses on those rights they will be held accountable. As a child, you understandably felt helpless! But you are not helpless now. You are in control.
And by the way, if a professional broke confidentiality when you were in college and you were not a danger to yourself or others, you may have legal recourse to hold that person accountable now, too.
Okay, so you don't trust anyone, and still don't want to talk to a professional? How has this been working out for you? Are you really better off not talking to anyone and sinking further into depression than at least giving therapy another try? You can walk out if you don't like it. You can say something outrageous to see how a prospective therapist reacts before you commit to one. You are in control.
Therapists work for you. You pay them. As you say, they get money either way, right? So why not make them work for their money? Challenge them, ask questions about their experience and education, make THEM tell you why you should work with them. You can rant, you can rave, you can glower and sulk. You can complain about the shitty stuff you went through as a kid and again in college because of other professionals, and let them know they will have to earn your trust.
Please though, do try again. I hate to see you hurting with no one to turn to.
Justnremember, this time, you are in control!
posted by misha at 5:05 PM on May 3, 2011
This sounds like an awful situation for you; I'm sorry those things have happened to you.
It does sound like it would be very good to be able to do therapy to work on how your past is still affecting your day-to-day life.
So how can you find someone who is trustworthy? That's the real question.
The answer is: get recommendations, and then take your time to get to know the person and build trust with them.
One possibility is to post a question here, maybe anonymously, asking if anyone knows a good trustworthy therapist in your area. Another possibility is to call a local organization that deals with whatever your past issues are - violence, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, LBGT groups, the "vulnerable adults" section of local social services organization, your college if you're in college, whatever applies - and ask if they have any therapists that they refer people to. If you have any diagnosed mental health issues, the NAMI or specific online communities/bulletin boards for that issue might have good recommendations for therapists who are experienced.
There are good and bad therapists, trustworthy and non-trustworthy, just like with any other group of people. I know several therapists who are extremely trustworthy, who take their role very seriously, and who could be making more money doing other jobs - so they are out there! You just need to find one of the good ones, and then slowly build up trust with them. (And of course, sometimes you'll find that someone is trustworthy but just doesn't "click" with you for whatever reason. In that case you can just look for another one. That's a very normal thing to do.) Don't get discouraged! Sometimes it takes a few tries, and that is okay.
If you find yourself unable to speak in therapy appointments, it's a great idea to write out notes beforehand.
You could begin with a note that just explains that you've had a therapist breach your confidentiality before and so you want to go slowly and build confidence in the new therapist. You could make your first appointment an interview - ask them what they do to protect confidentiality, and if they can recommend any exercises etc to build trust. Ask them what their treatment philosophy is (there are lots of different schools of thought, some of which will work great for you and some won't, again that's normal and you are entirely free to shop around). If you want, ask them if they have done work with people who fit your profile, or people who have needed to build trusts slowly, etc.
You don't need to reveal anything you don't want to reveal -- they can ask and you can say no. Although of course, if you never reveal anything, it's not going to help much, so you're working toward the point of revealing things. But you certainly don't have to reveal things in the first meeting.
Before your appointment you could also write up other notes, such as listing the symptoms you are bothered by, or what things you are having trouble with etc, maybe some of your history on another sheet that you can reveal when you feel ready.
About being locked up - I have had a friend who was having a serious mental breakdown, doing reckless dangerous things, etc, and even then the system would not lock him up. The system is set up to make it VERY hard to lock up an adult unless the person is threatening immediate suicide, and even then they don't keep the person for more than a couple of days usually. Note that just talking about suicide in general, as long as it's not "right now", will not get a person locked up, so it is something a person can -- and should! -- safely talk about in therapy. (That is in the US; I don't know if you are in the US or not.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:23 PM on May 3, 2011
It does sound like it would be very good to be able to do therapy to work on how your past is still affecting your day-to-day life.
So how can you find someone who is trustworthy? That's the real question.
The answer is: get recommendations, and then take your time to get to know the person and build trust with them.
One possibility is to post a question here, maybe anonymously, asking if anyone knows a good trustworthy therapist in your area. Another possibility is to call a local organization that deals with whatever your past issues are - violence, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, LBGT groups, the "vulnerable adults" section of local social services organization, your college if you're in college, whatever applies - and ask if they have any therapists that they refer people to. If you have any diagnosed mental health issues, the NAMI or specific online communities/bulletin boards for that issue might have good recommendations for therapists who are experienced.
There are good and bad therapists, trustworthy and non-trustworthy, just like with any other group of people. I know several therapists who are extremely trustworthy, who take their role very seriously, and who could be making more money doing other jobs - so they are out there! You just need to find one of the good ones, and then slowly build up trust with them. (And of course, sometimes you'll find that someone is trustworthy but just doesn't "click" with you for whatever reason. In that case you can just look for another one. That's a very normal thing to do.) Don't get discouraged! Sometimes it takes a few tries, and that is okay.
If you find yourself unable to speak in therapy appointments, it's a great idea to write out notes beforehand.
You could begin with a note that just explains that you've had a therapist breach your confidentiality before and so you want to go slowly and build confidence in the new therapist. You could make your first appointment an interview - ask them what they do to protect confidentiality, and if they can recommend any exercises etc to build trust. Ask them what their treatment philosophy is (there are lots of different schools of thought, some of which will work great for you and some won't, again that's normal and you are entirely free to shop around). If you want, ask them if they have done work with people who fit your profile, or people who have needed to build trusts slowly, etc.
You don't need to reveal anything you don't want to reveal -- they can ask and you can say no. Although of course, if you never reveal anything, it's not going to help much, so you're working toward the point of revealing things. But you certainly don't have to reveal things in the first meeting.
Before your appointment you could also write up other notes, such as listing the symptoms you are bothered by, or what things you are having trouble with etc, maybe some of your history on another sheet that you can reveal when you feel ready.
About being locked up - I have had a friend who was having a serious mental breakdown, doing reckless dangerous things, etc, and even then the system would not lock him up. The system is set up to make it VERY hard to lock up an adult unless the person is threatening immediate suicide, and even then they don't keep the person for more than a couple of days usually. Note that just talking about suicide in general, as long as it's not "right now", will not get a person locked up, so it is something a person can -- and should! -- safely talk about in therapy. (That is in the US; I don't know if you are in the US or not.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:23 PM on May 3, 2011
I commend and admire you for putting your distrust of people aside to ask your fellow MeFites for help. Believe it or not, that took a small level of trust in the human species to do that, and it shows you can gradually come to trust a mental health professional when you find the right one. Good luck.
posted by Sara Bellum at 7:01 PM on May 3, 2011
posted by Sara Bellum at 7:01 PM on May 3, 2011
I an unable to say anything when I meet a new doctor, they don't care since they get paid to sit quietly just as much as if they try to help, and nothing happens, and I leave pissed and depressed.
Before you make the appointment, ask them on the phone if they will sit there silently if you find yourself unable to talk.
posted by Obscure Reference at 7:42 AM on May 4, 2011
Before you make the appointment, ask them on the phone if they will sit there silently if you find yourself unable to talk.
posted by Obscure Reference at 7:42 AM on May 4, 2011
Just to provide a perspective that you may not have considered yet: many therapists will sit silently to allow the patient as much time and space as the patient needs to feel comfortable speaking. Many patients prefer this — I just read another AskMe a few minutes ago from somebody about to fire their therapist for talking too much and doing too much to direct the course of the discussion.
I would suggest discussing this with any new therapist you might see. Ask them what their approach is. Tell them that in the past you have felt that your therapist's silence was unhelpful and counterproductive, and ask them how they approach such situations.
posted by Lexica at 11:45 AM on May 4, 2011
I would suggest discussing this with any new therapist you might see. Ask them what their approach is. Tell them that in the past you have felt that your therapist's silence was unhelpful and counterproductive, and ask them how they approach such situations.
posted by Lexica at 11:45 AM on May 4, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
So, go for it!
posted by Obscure Reference at 12:28 PM on May 3, 2011