Bulimia + productivity
May 3, 2011 6:08 AM Subscribe
How do you deal with bulimia, depression, or anxiety in your social/work life?
I've been bulimic since my early teens, and I'm in college right now. It's increasingly difficult for me to get to know people, maintain relationships, focus on my studies, and be self-motivated or initiate projects. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I have binge-purge cycles with far less frequency than before, but I still feel like it overwhelms my life. I'm just as overwhelmed with the idea of recovery. Meanwhile, how can I just live with it? Does compartmentalizing apply to disorders like this? I don't have insurance/money for doctors or nutritionists, not does my college offer therapy/personal counseling.
examples where bulimia and other problems intersect in which the bulimia-baggage prevents me from dealing with other problems:
- I can't concentrate on work because I just ate and feel overwhelmed thinking I must either throw up or stop thinking about throwing up. I'm unable to do either so I end up distracting myself with browsing the internet or I nap for hours. I've sabatoged so many projects this way.
- I have a lot of social anxiety I want to overcome, but I avoid socializing/doing something simple like eating lunch together because I binge elsewhere. Or I feel like being with people I like isn't worth eating or being around food. Or I'm paranoid they know I'm bulimic. I lie so much.
- I feel like my attention span has shortened rapidly in the last few years. I haven't been able to do things I normally enjoy doing (reading, making things, talking to people), because my mind switches to 'What can I eat? Where can I eat? When?' etc or just simply 'I can't do this, this is boring, I have so much to do, other anxious thoughts', within minutes of trying to proceed with thing I normally enjoy.
- I also worry that I've become more stupid/lazy/vocally inarticulate as I got older because of frequent dehydration/electrolyte imbalances.
possible solutions? please give me more ideas, as well as how to implement them.
- take on more personally fulfilling projects so I'll have less time to think about food (I worry this will just increase the stakes for when I mess up)
- regularly exercise so I don't freak out about eating when I should be working
- take general good physical care of physical affects of bulimia-- drink a lot of water, brush teeth immediately after purging?
- find an OA group or something similar (suggestions on what organizations, and on how to make the most of it?)
I need advice from people who have personally dealt with bulimia/eating disorders or depression/anxiety, while maintaining at least a minimally productive life. I just want to get through college and love my friends/make new ones and make things I'm proud of.
throwaway email: anonacct.askmefi@gmail.com
I've been bulimic since my early teens, and I'm in college right now. It's increasingly difficult for me to get to know people, maintain relationships, focus on my studies, and be self-motivated or initiate projects. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I have binge-purge cycles with far less frequency than before, but I still feel like it overwhelms my life. I'm just as overwhelmed with the idea of recovery. Meanwhile, how can I just live with it? Does compartmentalizing apply to disorders like this? I don't have insurance/money for doctors or nutritionists, not does my college offer therapy/personal counseling.
examples where bulimia and other problems intersect in which the bulimia-baggage prevents me from dealing with other problems:
- I can't concentrate on work because I just ate and feel overwhelmed thinking I must either throw up or stop thinking about throwing up. I'm unable to do either so I end up distracting myself with browsing the internet or I nap for hours. I've sabatoged so many projects this way.
- I have a lot of social anxiety I want to overcome, but I avoid socializing/doing something simple like eating lunch together because I binge elsewhere. Or I feel like being with people I like isn't worth eating or being around food. Or I'm paranoid they know I'm bulimic. I lie so much.
- I feel like my attention span has shortened rapidly in the last few years. I haven't been able to do things I normally enjoy doing (reading, making things, talking to people), because my mind switches to 'What can I eat? Where can I eat? When?' etc or just simply 'I can't do this, this is boring, I have so much to do, other anxious thoughts', within minutes of trying to proceed with thing I normally enjoy.
- I also worry that I've become more stupid/lazy/vocally inarticulate as I got older because of frequent dehydration/electrolyte imbalances.
possible solutions? please give me more ideas, as well as how to implement them.
- take on more personally fulfilling projects so I'll have less time to think about food (I worry this will just increase the stakes for when I mess up)
- regularly exercise so I don't freak out about eating when I should be working
- take general good physical care of physical affects of bulimia-- drink a lot of water, brush teeth immediately after purging?
- find an OA group or something similar (suggestions on what organizations, and on how to make the most of it?)
I need advice from people who have personally dealt with bulimia/eating disorders or depression/anxiety, while maintaining at least a minimally productive life. I just want to get through college and love my friends/make new ones and make things I'm proud of.
throwaway email: anonacct.askmefi@gmail.com
I know recovery is scary. But you are going to be so amazed at how much headspace is cleared out when you do. I knew I had really recovered when I suddenly realized that now that 80% of my thoughts weren't about food, I could think about and do some more exciting and fulfilling things. It was like adding another 6 hours to the day! Start treatment, it's a bit of a leap of faith but it's so worth it! And you are at the perfect place to start, because youre realizing that the cost is outweighing the benefits. Get your life back! Memail me if you want to know more x
posted by Chrysalis at 6:47 AM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Chrysalis at 6:47 AM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Therapy therapy therapy recovery recovery recovery.
But WHILE you are doing that, pick a thing that seems achievable and awesome and will make you feel good about yourself, and do it regularly. It doesn't matter what it is, just keep doing it. Wave at old ladies in the park. Pick trash up off the ground. Draw pictures. Smile at people. Pat dogs. Wipe off the counters in public bathrooms. Tip your barrista.
Start small -- don't go for an enormous project, just try to make one person's day one tiny bit better, and do it over and over. The repeated act of helping the world a little bit will help you feel good...
And get a therapist.
posted by flarb at 7:10 AM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
But WHILE you are doing that, pick a thing that seems achievable and awesome and will make you feel good about yourself, and do it regularly. It doesn't matter what it is, just keep doing it. Wave at old ladies in the park. Pick trash up off the ground. Draw pictures. Smile at people. Pat dogs. Wipe off the counters in public bathrooms. Tip your barrista.
Start small -- don't go for an enormous project, just try to make one person's day one tiny bit better, and do it over and over. The repeated act of helping the world a little bit will help you feel good...
And get a therapist.
posted by flarb at 7:10 AM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Please look into what counseling resources your college has for students. At the very least, they should be able to refer you to counselors around town who specialize in these issues and are used to working with poor college kids.
Your barriers to finding treatment are not insurmountable, though they may feel like it right now. It will be scary to reach out to someone who can help, but it will be worth it. You've already made a baby step in that direction by asking this question, so you know you can do it. The next step is to admit, out loud, that you need help. If you've never done that before, practice first alone. Then go to your college's health department and ask for referrals. Even if they don't provide counseling they almost certainly know who does in town. If that doesn't work, come back home and google for eating disorder specialists in your area. Call and ask if they have a sliding scale. Make an appointment, and then go.
For now, don't worry about insurance or money. Don't worry about it until you're sitting in the doctor's office. Don't worry about it in the days before you go, not in the car on the way there, not in the waiting room before the appointment. Money may seem like an important reason not to seek treatment, but in the big scheme of things it's such a small concern, especially compared to your health. It's certainly not a big enough concern to stop you from trying out therapy a few times.
You don't want your life to be "minimally" productive and happy. You want to be as productive and happy as it can possibly be, and right now the biggest thing you can work on is finding treatment for your bulimia and depression.
posted by lilac girl at 7:13 AM on May 3, 2011
Your barriers to finding treatment are not insurmountable, though they may feel like it right now. It will be scary to reach out to someone who can help, but it will be worth it. You've already made a baby step in that direction by asking this question, so you know you can do it. The next step is to admit, out loud, that you need help. If you've never done that before, practice first alone. Then go to your college's health department and ask for referrals. Even if they don't provide counseling they almost certainly know who does in town. If that doesn't work, come back home and google for eating disorder specialists in your area. Call and ask if they have a sliding scale. Make an appointment, and then go.
For now, don't worry about insurance or money. Don't worry about it until you're sitting in the doctor's office. Don't worry about it in the days before you go, not in the car on the way there, not in the waiting room before the appointment. Money may seem like an important reason not to seek treatment, but in the big scheme of things it's such a small concern, especially compared to your health. It's certainly not a big enough concern to stop you from trying out therapy a few times.
You don't want your life to be "minimally" productive and happy. You want to be as productive and happy as it can possibly be, and right now the biggest thing you can work on is finding treatment for your bulimia and depression.
posted by lilac girl at 7:13 AM on May 3, 2011
- I can't concentrate on work because I just ate and feel overwhelmed thinking I must either throw up or stop thinking about throwing up. I'm unable to do either so I end up distracting myself with browsing the internet or I nap for hours. I've sabatoged so many projects this way.
- I have a lot of social anxiety I want to overcome, but I avoid socializing/doing something simple like eating lunch together because I binge elsewhere. Or I feel like being with people I like isn't worth eating or being around food. Or I'm paranoid they know I'm bulimic. I lie so much.
- I feel like my attention span has shortened rapidly in the last few years. I haven't been able to do things I normally enjoy doing (reading, making things, talking to people), because my mind switches to 'What can I eat? Where can I eat? When?' etc or just simply 'I can't do this, this is boring, I have so much to do, other anxious thoughts', within minutes of trying to proceed with thing I normally enjoy.
- I also worry that I've become more stupid/lazy/vocally inarticulate as I got older because of frequent dehydration/electrolyte imbalances. Yep. This was me.
ANAD has free support groups throughout the country. I've been in an ANAD group for 2 years now and it is immensely helpful. I tried OA, it didn't work for me, but it might be helpful for you.
You can't compartmentalize bulimia. You already know this. It infects everything. You need to find help. I'm not "recovered" but I'm certainly recovering. It's unbelievable to be thinking about something else (for me, it's my small garden/farm -- I love it!!!).
Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
posted by Sophie1 at 7:25 AM on May 3, 2011
- I have a lot of social anxiety I want to overcome, but I avoid socializing/doing something simple like eating lunch together because I binge elsewhere. Or I feel like being with people I like isn't worth eating or being around food. Or I'm paranoid they know I'm bulimic. I lie so much.
- I feel like my attention span has shortened rapidly in the last few years. I haven't been able to do things I normally enjoy doing (reading, making things, talking to people), because my mind switches to 'What can I eat? Where can I eat? When?' etc or just simply 'I can't do this, this is boring, I have so much to do, other anxious thoughts', within minutes of trying to proceed with thing I normally enjoy.
- I also worry that I've become more stupid/lazy/vocally inarticulate as I got older because of frequent dehydration/electrolyte imbalances. Yep. This was me.
ANAD has free support groups throughout the country. I've been in an ANAD group for 2 years now and it is immensely helpful. I tried OA, it didn't work for me, but it might be helpful for you.
You can't compartmentalize bulimia. You already know this. It infects everything. You need to find help. I'm not "recovered" but I'm certainly recovering. It's unbelievable to be thinking about something else (for me, it's my small garden/farm -- I love it!!!).
Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
posted by Sophie1 at 7:25 AM on May 3, 2011
lilac girl has it: find a therapist who works on a sliding scale. And absolutely find someone who specializes in eating disorders, it will make things a lot easier for you if you don't have a well-intentioned but clueless person chirping at you to "try harder!" (That's not how it works...it needs to be the right kind of effort.)
It has been my experience that people who treat eating disorders really, really want you to get better and will work with you in any way they can to make that happen. Someone out there will be willing to help someone with limited funds, believe me. They also tend to be remarkably supportive when you're first reaching out for help. (I say this as someone who was crying on the phone last week when I found out how much an intensive outpatient program costs.)
Check around to see if there are any Eating Disorders Anonymous meetings in your area. People there might know of good places to start.
You're really brave for taking this first step. MeMail me if you want to talk.
posted by corey flood at 7:31 AM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
It has been my experience that people who treat eating disorders really, really want you to get better and will work with you in any way they can to make that happen. Someone out there will be willing to help someone with limited funds, believe me. They also tend to be remarkably supportive when you're first reaching out for help. (I say this as someone who was crying on the phone last week when I found out how much an intensive outpatient program costs.)
Check around to see if there are any Eating Disorders Anonymous meetings in your area. People there might know of good places to start.
You're really brave for taking this first step. MeMail me if you want to talk.
posted by corey flood at 7:31 AM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
In order to love the people in your life and yourself, you need to get the help for this active eating disorder promptly. Some things cannot wait, like your emotional and physical health. I mean this with the most love and heart possible when I say this, but right now you are not able to properly love the people in your life right now because you aren't loving yourself.
It seems like you're asking for advice about how to maintain an active addiction. I can't give you that because it all leads to a similar end. You're just postponing the inevitable actual solution: to get help.
Here's my advice. Look around your area for the best eating disorder programs available. Schedule and get a health assessment with a doctor and follow their recommendations on either an outpatient or inpatient program for eating disorders. If this all seems too daunting, let the people you love in and tell them you need help and I promise you they'll be there for you. The doctor might recommend a more aggressive program than you think you need. Do it anyways.
It will be hard, maybe the hardest thing you have to do in your life -- taking a step back from your studies and other obligations in life. It will feel like you are losing a lot. It might feel like you're losing everything, but if you're patient and open, you'll get these things back and more.
I am going to be 27 in a month. I have spent the past thirteen years dealing with food and alcohol addiction. I've refused treatment and lied to get out of treatment. My rationalization was, "I just need to get through X. Once I get through X things will be better." It only postponed the inevitable. I thought that I was maintaining a functional successful life (and I was in a lot of ways) by dodging an actual treatment program, but it only postponed it -- allowing things to slowly disintegrate further.
Like I said earlier, in order to be happy and loving and keep people you love in your life, you have to treat them and yourself well. I feel like when I take care of myself that is my way of loving the people in my life more.
"When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality."
— Pema Chödrön
I say this with an open mind and heart. My way is not everyone's way, but this is what I've learned from my rather cyclical maddening experiences. I wish you absolutely all the best. Good luck.
posted by fiasco at 7:58 AM on May 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
It seems like you're asking for advice about how to maintain an active addiction. I can't give you that because it all leads to a similar end. You're just postponing the inevitable actual solution: to get help.
Here's my advice. Look around your area for the best eating disorder programs available. Schedule and get a health assessment with a doctor and follow their recommendations on either an outpatient or inpatient program for eating disorders. If this all seems too daunting, let the people you love in and tell them you need help and I promise you they'll be there for you. The doctor might recommend a more aggressive program than you think you need. Do it anyways.
It will be hard, maybe the hardest thing you have to do in your life -- taking a step back from your studies and other obligations in life. It will feel like you are losing a lot. It might feel like you're losing everything, but if you're patient and open, you'll get these things back and more.
I am going to be 27 in a month. I have spent the past thirteen years dealing with food and alcohol addiction. I've refused treatment and lied to get out of treatment. My rationalization was, "I just need to get through X. Once I get through X things will be better." It only postponed the inevitable. I thought that I was maintaining a functional successful life (and I was in a lot of ways) by dodging an actual treatment program, but it only postponed it -- allowing things to slowly disintegrate further.
Like I said earlier, in order to be happy and loving and keep people you love in your life, you have to treat them and yourself well. I feel like when I take care of myself that is my way of loving the people in my life more.
"When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality."
— Pema Chödrön
I say this with an open mind and heart. My way is not everyone's way, but this is what I've learned from my rather cyclical maddening experiences. I wish you absolutely all the best. Good luck.
posted by fiasco at 7:58 AM on May 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Mod note: Note that the original throwaway email was incorrect; I've updated it, if you've sent email you'll want to resend.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:07 AM on May 3, 2011
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:07 AM on May 3, 2011
I don't think you should brush your teeth immediately afterwards. I'm not bulimic but I drink a lot of soda and other acidic drinks and I've had a couple of dentists tell me that I should wait 30-60 minutes before brushing because doing it right away rubs the acid into your teeth and can damage the enamel.
Anyway, I'm sorry that you're going through such a rough time. I think you should try to make some small steps towards getting help, even if you feel like you're not ready to really start trying to recover from your eating disorder. In other words, don't let the fact that you're not committed to recovery at this point stop you from reaching out. I agree with the previous poster about checking out your school's resources. They should be able to at least give you a referral to therapy and/or support groups. And don't let the money/insurance issue stop you. There really are no cost/low cost options out there.
posted by blueparrot at 10:39 AM on May 3, 2011
Anyway, I'm sorry that you're going through such a rough time. I think you should try to make some small steps towards getting help, even if you feel like you're not ready to really start trying to recover from your eating disorder. In other words, don't let the fact that you're not committed to recovery at this point stop you from reaching out. I agree with the previous poster about checking out your school's resources. They should be able to at least give you a referral to therapy and/or support groups. And don't let the money/insurance issue stop you. There really are no cost/low cost options out there.
posted by blueparrot at 10:39 AM on May 3, 2011
For me, like the alcohol, bulimia was a symptom of a larger problem. This here:
'I can't do this, this is boring, I have so much to do, other anxious thoughts',
is exactly how I walked around for years. Restless, irritable and discontent were the only emotions I felt.
I'll leave my other addictions out of this, as you may not be able to relate to them, but for me they all tie in to the main problem as I see it, which is this rather large "WANT" hole in my soul.
Since I can remember, there was this amorphous desire, this WANT that I could not fulfill, because I simply could not determine what it was, it had no color or form, whatever it was it was a desire for something I had not experienced, seen, or felt. Food became a outlet, love became an outlet, winning pleasure of friends and employers, I was always seeking seeking seeking this thing. I wanted to give up looking in frustration, but this desire permeated my every waking moment it seemed.
I could fill it with copious amounts of food, the greasier and worse for me the better. 3-4 average meals at a time. There was this gratifying anger that would come over me at times when I was binging. I hated you all, I hated me, and this was a fitting punishment I could dole out both to myself and this joke of a universe that would instill in me this overarching desire for something, and then not even clue me in to what the fuck it was.
Then guilt. The food orgasm would be over, followed by this soul crushing guilt and shame bulging at my buttons, and pulling taut the skin on my stomach. It felt like a struggle to breathe, and regret would sink its claws into me. If only I could obtain release from the binge, to hit the reset button, I would do better next time. I promise I would behave better, not let shit get to me as much. But... I could not let that food turn into fat which would turn into all of you laughing at me, pitying me, and hating me for being this useless overweight joke of a person. I wanted you all to envy me the same way I envied you. And I would do ANYTHING to make that a reality, even though deep down, I knew that you would never envy me outside of my fantasies, because I was a weak, worthless piece of shit.
So I'd purge. Tell everyone that I got soap into my eyes if anyone asked why my eyes were red. Double check that I didn't have any stray vomit on my collar or my face that would give away my secret. Brush my teeth with my finger and soap if I was out at a restaurant. Because if I didn't admit my shame out loud, I could deny its existence, or so I thought. But of course, I didn't do better next time, maybe for awhile, but it would rear it's head up all the time. And what's worse, life simply wasn't enjoyable, as my crutch was temporarily gone. My feeling of power and control vanished. And skinny or fat, I was certain that no one liked me, that I was worthless, and that I still needed to change yet something else.
Today though, I rarely feel the way I described above. Hell yes, life sucks sometimes, but more often than not, that hole is filled, sometimes completely, and then there is unbelievable and unimaginable release, a freedom I have never known. A freedom that has no ill consequence. I enjoy talking to other men about this too, because bulimia may be stereotyped as a "woman's disease" but it affects a shit-ton of guys too.
For me, I found my solution in another of the "_A" meetings. But the principles apply across the board. Simply said, the solution for this former waste of space nutjob, was to place my trust, my life, in something, anything, other than in me. To admit that I was the problem. It wasn't her, or the job, or school, or the old person in front of me at Dunkin' Donuts. The problem was me, and more specifically, my perception. My insanity was one of proportion and perception. I blew everything up to a million times it size, or shrank down the important to nothing, so the way I viewed damn near everything was just so off base, it's not even funny.... So, to give away the illusion of control, to "turn it over" as it were, was for me, freedom incarnate.
I wish you the best... and on preview... TL:DR :)
posted by Debaser626 at 11:07 AM on May 3, 2011
'I can't do this, this is boring, I have so much to do, other anxious thoughts',
is exactly how I walked around for years. Restless, irritable and discontent were the only emotions I felt.
I'll leave my other addictions out of this, as you may not be able to relate to them, but for me they all tie in to the main problem as I see it, which is this rather large "WANT" hole in my soul.
Since I can remember, there was this amorphous desire, this WANT that I could not fulfill, because I simply could not determine what it was, it had no color or form, whatever it was it was a desire for something I had not experienced, seen, or felt. Food became a outlet, love became an outlet, winning pleasure of friends and employers, I was always seeking seeking seeking this thing. I wanted to give up looking in frustration, but this desire permeated my every waking moment it seemed.
I could fill it with copious amounts of food, the greasier and worse for me the better. 3-4 average meals at a time. There was this gratifying anger that would come over me at times when I was binging. I hated you all, I hated me, and this was a fitting punishment I could dole out both to myself and this joke of a universe that would instill in me this overarching desire for something, and then not even clue me in to what the fuck it was.
Then guilt. The food orgasm would be over, followed by this soul crushing guilt and shame bulging at my buttons, and pulling taut the skin on my stomach. It felt like a struggle to breathe, and regret would sink its claws into me. If only I could obtain release from the binge, to hit the reset button, I would do better next time. I promise I would behave better, not let shit get to me as much. But... I could not let that food turn into fat which would turn into all of you laughing at me, pitying me, and hating me for being this useless overweight joke of a person. I wanted you all to envy me the same way I envied you. And I would do ANYTHING to make that a reality, even though deep down, I knew that you would never envy me outside of my fantasies, because I was a weak, worthless piece of shit.
So I'd purge. Tell everyone that I got soap into my eyes if anyone asked why my eyes were red. Double check that I didn't have any stray vomit on my collar or my face that would give away my secret. Brush my teeth with my finger and soap if I was out at a restaurant. Because if I didn't admit my shame out loud, I could deny its existence, or so I thought. But of course, I didn't do better next time, maybe for awhile, but it would rear it's head up all the time. And what's worse, life simply wasn't enjoyable, as my crutch was temporarily gone. My feeling of power and control vanished. And skinny or fat, I was certain that no one liked me, that I was worthless, and that I still needed to change yet something else.
Today though, I rarely feel the way I described above. Hell yes, life sucks sometimes, but more often than not, that hole is filled, sometimes completely, and then there is unbelievable and unimaginable release, a freedom I have never known. A freedom that has no ill consequence. I enjoy talking to other men about this too, because bulimia may be stereotyped as a "woman's disease" but it affects a shit-ton of guys too.
For me, I found my solution in another of the "_A" meetings. But the principles apply across the board. Simply said, the solution for this former waste of space nutjob, was to place my trust, my life, in something, anything, other than in me. To admit that I was the problem. It wasn't her, or the job, or school, or the old person in front of me at Dunkin' Donuts. The problem was me, and more specifically, my perception. My insanity was one of proportion and perception. I blew everything up to a million times it size, or shrank down the important to nothing, so the way I viewed damn near everything was just so off base, it's not even funny.... So, to give away the illusion of control, to "turn it over" as it were, was for me, freedom incarnate.
I wish you the best... and on preview... TL:DR :)
posted by Debaser626 at 11:07 AM on May 3, 2011
Coming back for another thought later in the day --
Somethingfishy.org. Their recovery toolbox is amazing. Finding other things to do other than b/p is really important. You can't just fill that space with nothing. I started by playing video games (even just solitaire) to fill the time. It wasn't great in that I wasn't getting anything particularly useful done, but at least I wasn't hurting myself (depleting my potassium stores, ruining my teeth, giving myself heart problems). Then I moved on to journaling and then to actually living my life.
This past weekend was horrible in my life. I wanted to engage in behaviors so badly, but I fell back on solitaire. So I didn't get any gardening done. So what? I didn't fall back on the behaviors that were killing me slowly, so I don't feel like a complete success, but neither do I feel like a failure.
Recovery isn't a straight line, but neither is it impossible. You will fall back on behaviors, but you'll also know you're moving forward. If you never let go of bulimia, you'll always fall back on it, because it's what you know.
I agree with everyone above who suggested a specific eating disorders therapist. I tried other therapists and it just didn't work out. You need someone who understands the mindset of a bulimic.
posted by Sophie1 at 12:59 PM on May 3, 2011
Somethingfishy.org. Their recovery toolbox is amazing. Finding other things to do other than b/p is really important. You can't just fill that space with nothing. I started by playing video games (even just solitaire) to fill the time. It wasn't great in that I wasn't getting anything particularly useful done, but at least I wasn't hurting myself (depleting my potassium stores, ruining my teeth, giving myself heart problems). Then I moved on to journaling and then to actually living my life.
This past weekend was horrible in my life. I wanted to engage in behaviors so badly, but I fell back on solitaire. So I didn't get any gardening done. So what? I didn't fall back on the behaviors that were killing me slowly, so I don't feel like a complete success, but neither do I feel like a failure.
Recovery isn't a straight line, but neither is it impossible. You will fall back on behaviors, but you'll also know you're moving forward. If you never let go of bulimia, you'll always fall back on it, because it's what you know.
I agree with everyone above who suggested a specific eating disorders therapist. I tried other therapists and it just didn't work out. You need someone who understands the mindset of a bulimic.
posted by Sophie1 at 12:59 PM on May 3, 2011
Please realize that you are likely comorbid with other issues. Please memail me if you live anywhere in the North Texas region and I can point you to a highly effective therapist who accepts payments on a sliding scale, specializes in CBT, and WILL help you.
I am a recovered bulimic who struggled for 7 years and have lost teeth, jobs, friendships and self-esteem to this disease. I haven't forced myself to vomit or been addicted to laxatives in 10 years, so I consider myself to be "successfully recovered."
DO NOT BRUSH YOUR TEETH AFTER PUKING. PLEASE. You are brushing stomach acid into your teeth, eroding them. Flush your mouth with water first, wait 30 minutes, THEN brush/rinse with flouride. (Mods, I hope this is okay - I'm not trying to help this asker stay bulimic but mitigate the damage.)
You are trying to be perfect: why? Are you a victim of sexual or physical abuse? If so, then your need to control your body/attractiveness/victimize yourself is part of the problem.
You are regularly traumatizing yourself, physically and mentally, in a cyclic pattern. Why? Do you come from a family background of high achievers? Is weight a common topic of discussion in your family of origin?
I want you to hear this from me... I vomited until I lost my voice for weeks, burst blood vessels in my eyes; one time I choked ALMOST TO DEATH. Alone. I fell and dislodged the piece of hamburger when my back hit the bathroom tile floor. That was a pretty harsh wake-up call. I was willing to die from the disease because I didn't know how to stop. I'd fantasize about food every single second. When I'd try to stop, I'd dream about binge eating all night.
You don't need money for ANYTHING except therapy right now. RIGHT. NOW. Somethingfishy.org is an excellent, excellent source. If you would like to speak with me privately, please MeMail me.
Other questions you asked:
1. Exercise - yes, exercising CAN help you. It relieves stress, it helps you get the adrenaline release that bulimics feel when they purge. It can fill the time and distract you from repeating the cycle. But it can ALSO replace literal vomiting with over-exercise, so USE CAUTION. NO MORE THAN ONE HOUR OF CARDIO PER DAY, PERIOD, AT FIRST. If you injure yourself, you'll feel like you failed and fall back into your pattern.
2. You are likely suffering brain fogginess from a combination of electrolyte/potassium imbalance, dehydration and malnutrition. Bulimics often vomit up whatever's easiest: ice cream, candy, soft things, high-fat and high-sugar foods. You likely are becoming pre-diabetic, and no question, this will catch up with you eventually.
3. Honestly, one thing that made me stop (at least temporarily) was moving to a foreign country and having no access to decent plumbing. Alternative option: eat ALL meals with a trusted friend, family member or "sober"/sponsor-type adult. BE ACCOUNTABLE. You are holding yourself hostage; once you "out" yourself to someone who truly loves you, then it gets a hell of a lot harder to hide evidence (husky voice, bloodshot eyes, frequent illnesses, weight fluctuations, making excuses not to eat/joking about never gaining weight). You are living a secret life; one way to stop is to admit your shortcomings and make real steps toward overcoming your control issues.
4. YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOUR BODY LOOKS LIKE. You are not prettier/thinner because of bulimia; you are TORTURED BY IT. You have to find something that gives you a sense of self-worth besides your weight, body shape, clothing size or relative sense of how attractive you are against your peers. If you have a friend/family member/coworker who makes you feel BAD ABOUT YOURSELF, AVOID ALL CONTACT. I'm serious. Don't talk to your one friend who's been a size 0 for her whole life and can eat whatever; you're not her. Don't hang out with lots of guys and see who can finish a whole pizza first; their opinion will not change of you whatsoever, nor will they become more or less attracted to you, if you happen to gain weight. CONFIDENCE IS ATTRACTIVE. SECRETS ARE PRISONS.
If you are a guy, my advice doesn't change at all. Just change the genders and pronouns a bit, seriously.
As many have said upthread, my drive to bulimia came in waves; I'd feel bad, this overwhelming negative surge of emotions, and then I'd fill up the pain and emptiness inside of me with sugar/carbs/whatever, even butter, seriously - the fat/sugar has a dopamine-like effect on your brain chemistry, and it literally can stop you from having a panic attack or induce somnolence when you're having a manic, emotionally charged episode. This often happens late at night - does that sound familiar? But then, once you're PHYSICALLY FULL to the point of being in PAIN, you "vomit" out the food - but what you're really vomiting out is the PAINFUL FEELINGS.
Your journey begins when you start pinpointing what those painful feelings mean, when they started, and what personally works for you in processing those feelings in a way that's totally unrelated to food, physical appearance, and self-esteem. That's unique and individual enough that nobody here can truly help you because there's no single right answer. But just treating the bulimia isn't going to be enough... you need to figure out what else is going on inside of you that has NOTHING to do with food and EVERYTHING to do with self-control.
After that, you're going to struggle a lot with what "normal" eating feels and looks like, what a portion size is, and how to listen to what your body wants. You might substitute drugs or alcohol for food; antidepressants can help you with that, sometimes.
I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. The neverending vicious thought-cycle is the hardest thing to break. Don't try to get through this one day at a time just yet, try to get through it one hour at a time.
Then one meal at a time.
Then one therapy session at a time.
One day, the idea of making yourself vomit or shivering on the bathroom floor after hours of painful cramping and diarrhea from laxatives will be a sad memory of what you did to yourself when you were younger. But trust me, just like smoking, the effects of what you're doing now are long-lasting. If I had a dollar for every time I wished I'd gotten help sooner, I'd make Bill Gates look poor.
Until I found a therapist that made me understand that, goddammit, I WAS a good person, I DIDN'T DESERVE TO SUFFER (by mine or anyone else's hand), and that my value as a human being wasn't based on perfection or looks, I struggled with the darker parts of my psyche that drove me to it. And it took years. So, think about the fact that somewhere inside of you is a little girl/boy who's hurting very, very badly.
I want you to imagine that you are facing that child and that your only job in the coming months is to protect that child from harm, including self-harm. Would you ever, EVER let another person do to this child what you're doing to him/her now? What did this child do to "deserve" such suffering? Can you imagine being as hateful to that child as you are being to yourself? If you can, or some part of you says "he/she deserves it" - that's something in your past you need to process, and having an ED is just the symptom.
Reach out to this child and hold yourself tight; protect the child inside of you. Love yourself. It sounds counter-intuitive now, but you deserve to be loved, no matter how much you fuck up or think you can do better. It really is the most important thing you can do to start the recovery process. I wish you much luck, and again, any support I can offer is willingly yours.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 4:39 PM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am a recovered bulimic who struggled for 7 years and have lost teeth, jobs, friendships and self-esteem to this disease. I haven't forced myself to vomit or been addicted to laxatives in 10 years, so I consider myself to be "successfully recovered."
DO NOT BRUSH YOUR TEETH AFTER PUKING. PLEASE. You are brushing stomach acid into your teeth, eroding them. Flush your mouth with water first, wait 30 minutes, THEN brush/rinse with flouride. (Mods, I hope this is okay - I'm not trying to help this asker stay bulimic but mitigate the damage.)
You are trying to be perfect: why? Are you a victim of sexual or physical abuse? If so, then your need to control your body/attractiveness/victimize yourself is part of the problem.
You are regularly traumatizing yourself, physically and mentally, in a cyclic pattern. Why? Do you come from a family background of high achievers? Is weight a common topic of discussion in your family of origin?
I want you to hear this from me... I vomited until I lost my voice for weeks, burst blood vessels in my eyes; one time I choked ALMOST TO DEATH. Alone. I fell and dislodged the piece of hamburger when my back hit the bathroom tile floor. That was a pretty harsh wake-up call. I was willing to die from the disease because I didn't know how to stop. I'd fantasize about food every single second. When I'd try to stop, I'd dream about binge eating all night.
You don't need money for ANYTHING except therapy right now. RIGHT. NOW. Somethingfishy.org is an excellent, excellent source. If you would like to speak with me privately, please MeMail me.
Other questions you asked:
1. Exercise - yes, exercising CAN help you. It relieves stress, it helps you get the adrenaline release that bulimics feel when they purge. It can fill the time and distract you from repeating the cycle. But it can ALSO replace literal vomiting with over-exercise, so USE CAUTION. NO MORE THAN ONE HOUR OF CARDIO PER DAY, PERIOD, AT FIRST. If you injure yourself, you'll feel like you failed and fall back into your pattern.
2. You are likely suffering brain fogginess from a combination of electrolyte/potassium imbalance, dehydration and malnutrition. Bulimics often vomit up whatever's easiest: ice cream, candy, soft things, high-fat and high-sugar foods. You likely are becoming pre-diabetic, and no question, this will catch up with you eventually.
3. Honestly, one thing that made me stop (at least temporarily) was moving to a foreign country and having no access to decent plumbing. Alternative option: eat ALL meals with a trusted friend, family member or "sober"/sponsor-type adult. BE ACCOUNTABLE. You are holding yourself hostage; once you "out" yourself to someone who truly loves you, then it gets a hell of a lot harder to hide evidence (husky voice, bloodshot eyes, frequent illnesses, weight fluctuations, making excuses not to eat/joking about never gaining weight). You are living a secret life; one way to stop is to admit your shortcomings and make real steps toward overcoming your control issues.
4. YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOUR BODY LOOKS LIKE. You are not prettier/thinner because of bulimia; you are TORTURED BY IT. You have to find something that gives you a sense of self-worth besides your weight, body shape, clothing size or relative sense of how attractive you are against your peers. If you have a friend/family member/coworker who makes you feel BAD ABOUT YOURSELF, AVOID ALL CONTACT. I'm serious. Don't talk to your one friend who's been a size 0 for her whole life and can eat whatever; you're not her. Don't hang out with lots of guys and see who can finish a whole pizza first; their opinion will not change of you whatsoever, nor will they become more or less attracted to you, if you happen to gain weight. CONFIDENCE IS ATTRACTIVE. SECRETS ARE PRISONS.
If you are a guy, my advice doesn't change at all. Just change the genders and pronouns a bit, seriously.
As many have said upthread, my drive to bulimia came in waves; I'd feel bad, this overwhelming negative surge of emotions, and then I'd fill up the pain and emptiness inside of me with sugar/carbs/whatever, even butter, seriously - the fat/sugar has a dopamine-like effect on your brain chemistry, and it literally can stop you from having a panic attack or induce somnolence when you're having a manic, emotionally charged episode. This often happens late at night - does that sound familiar? But then, once you're PHYSICALLY FULL to the point of being in PAIN, you "vomit" out the food - but what you're really vomiting out is the PAINFUL FEELINGS.
Your journey begins when you start pinpointing what those painful feelings mean, when they started, and what personally works for you in processing those feelings in a way that's totally unrelated to food, physical appearance, and self-esteem. That's unique and individual enough that nobody here can truly help you because there's no single right answer. But just treating the bulimia isn't going to be enough... you need to figure out what else is going on inside of you that has NOTHING to do with food and EVERYTHING to do with self-control.
After that, you're going to struggle a lot with what "normal" eating feels and looks like, what a portion size is, and how to listen to what your body wants. You might substitute drugs or alcohol for food; antidepressants can help you with that, sometimes.
I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. The neverending vicious thought-cycle is the hardest thing to break. Don't try to get through this one day at a time just yet, try to get through it one hour at a time.
Then one meal at a time.
Then one therapy session at a time.
One day, the idea of making yourself vomit or shivering on the bathroom floor after hours of painful cramping and diarrhea from laxatives will be a sad memory of what you did to yourself when you were younger. But trust me, just like smoking, the effects of what you're doing now are long-lasting. If I had a dollar for every time I wished I'd gotten help sooner, I'd make Bill Gates look poor.
Until I found a therapist that made me understand that, goddammit, I WAS a good person, I DIDN'T DESERVE TO SUFFER (by mine or anyone else's hand), and that my value as a human being wasn't based on perfection or looks, I struggled with the darker parts of my psyche that drove me to it. And it took years. So, think about the fact that somewhere inside of you is a little girl/boy who's hurting very, very badly.
I want you to imagine that you are facing that child and that your only job in the coming months is to protect that child from harm, including self-harm. Would you ever, EVER let another person do to this child what you're doing to him/her now? What did this child do to "deserve" such suffering? Can you imagine being as hateful to that child as you are being to yourself? If you can, or some part of you says "he/she deserves it" - that's something in your past you need to process, and having an ED is just the symptom.
Reach out to this child and hold yourself tight; protect the child inside of you. Love yourself. It sounds counter-intuitive now, but you deserve to be loved, no matter how much you fuck up or think you can do better. It really is the most important thing you can do to start the recovery process. I wish you much luck, and again, any support I can offer is willingly yours.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 4:39 PM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
And you can.
So therapy, immediately. Google and make phone calls, I promise it is going to be 100% worth it.
posted by pwally at 6:24 AM on May 3, 2011 [4 favorites]