How to (unobtrusively) reach out to a friend who's been mugged?
March 24, 2011 9:45 PM Subscribe
What's something nice can I do for a friend who's been the victim of a horrible mugging?
I have a friendly acquaintance who was recently mugged on the subway at knife-point. Though he wasn't physically harmed, the experience wasn't one of those hit-and-run muggings, but was prolonged. Without going into too much detail, the other passengers in the subway car not only offered no help but egged the assailant on, and my friend was subject to verbal abuse and physically threatened for three or four stops.
He is very outgoing and positive, but now is visibly affected and looks drained. We aren't close friends and normally would not hang out, or I would know that I can be supportive by spending time with him until he feels safe again. We have a friendly relationship and I feel some sense of responsibility as I am more than a few years older and have been in a mentoring position. I would like to get some suggestions for how I can help him through this period without overstepping boundaries and being too familiar, like a care package, sincere note, referrals to professionals, etc.
I have a friendly acquaintance who was recently mugged on the subway at knife-point. Though he wasn't physically harmed, the experience wasn't one of those hit-and-run muggings, but was prolonged. Without going into too much detail, the other passengers in the subway car not only offered no help but egged the assailant on, and my friend was subject to verbal abuse and physically threatened for three or four stops.
He is very outgoing and positive, but now is visibly affected and looks drained. We aren't close friends and normally would not hang out, or I would know that I can be supportive by spending time with him until he feels safe again. We have a friendly relationship and I feel some sense of responsibility as I am more than a few years older and have been in a mentoring position. I would like to get some suggestions for how I can help him through this period without overstepping boundaries and being too familiar, like a care package, sincere note, referrals to professionals, etc.
This post was deleted for the following reason: -- taz
I think the best you can do is listen to him talk. If the mugging comes up, affirm that he did the best he could and that it was insane for the bystanders to egg the mugging on. Mention it if appropriate. Whatever you do, don't pretend like it never happened out of some politeness instinct.
A while ago, my house was burgled (which is not nearly as rough as anything involving at knifepoint), but I was unsettled. I remember mentioning it in response to why I didn't have some item anymore, and people just moved on with the conversation, pretending I didn't say that. I think it was because they didn't know what to say, but it made me feel isolated and made me look at them as sharply unsympathetic for a bit.
posted by ignignokt at 10:17 PM on March 24, 2011
A while ago, my house was burgled (which is not nearly as rough as anything involving at knifepoint), but I was unsettled. I remember mentioning it in response to why I didn't have some item anymore, and people just moved on with the conversation, pretending I didn't say that. I think it was because they didn't know what to say, but it made me feel isolated and made me look at them as sharply unsympathetic for a bit.
posted by ignignokt at 10:17 PM on March 24, 2011
I was whipped across the face with a chain last weekend, so maybe I can offer some personal insight. What I wanted in the immediate days after was just company. Friendly faces, strength in numbers, laughter and smiles. Pots of tea and a cat to pet. The tough guys at work offering to hunt down and beat the shit out of my assailant helped, too.
Give him a call, drop him an email, see if he wants to catch up for a beer. Don't press the "Hey, you were mugged, tell me about how you're feeling" angle, he may not want to relive it over and over for people. He might also be kind of overwhelmed right now, so if he brushes you off, maybe wait a week or two and check in again with him. People have short attention spans these days, and he'll likely continue to struggle with this long after it's drifted to the backs of most people's minds.
posted by mollymayhem at 10:19 PM on March 24, 2011 [5 favorites]
Give him a call, drop him an email, see if he wants to catch up for a beer. Don't press the "Hey, you were mugged, tell me about how you're feeling" angle, he may not want to relive it over and over for people. He might also be kind of overwhelmed right now, so if he brushes you off, maybe wait a week or two and check in again with him. People have short attention spans these days, and he'll likely continue to struggle with this long after it's drifted to the backs of most people's minds.
posted by mollymayhem at 10:19 PM on March 24, 2011 [5 favorites]
My partner was mugged a month ago. I listened, comforted as much as I could, went to the local Army & Navy store and bought him some pepper spray, and kept listening.
Being the best friend you can be is probably all another human being can ask for.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:26 PM on March 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
Being the best friend you can be is probably all another human being can ask for.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:26 PM on March 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
listened, comforted as much as I could, went to the local Army & Navy store and bought him some pepper spray, and kept listening.
I've been mugged. It was not pleasant, but the biggest thing was the shock. I've been in fist fights, I've had a gun pointed at me, and I've more than once defended myself against a knife.
But all of those times I was sort of prepared, had a feeling that a fight was coming, and was able to mentally steel myself for violence before it happened so it left no lasting scars.
But being mugged really knocked me for a loop. The worst part about a mugging is that you don't have a chance to mentally prepare - one minute you're walking down a familiar street - the next three guys are beating the shit out of you - so you have do the mental preparation afterwards.
You are a victim and for a guy who does not see himself as a victim this is a hard thing to deal with.
So yeah. Listen, let him work it out, and give him some confidence. For me confidence was in the form of a roofer's hammer that I carried on the side of my backpack for about a year afterwards, but then I understood that once having been a victim, I am never again mentally unprepared, and having a weapon added little value over that.
posted by three blind mice at 2:29 AM on March 25, 2011
I've been mugged. It was not pleasant, but the biggest thing was the shock. I've been in fist fights, I've had a gun pointed at me, and I've more than once defended myself against a knife.
But all of those times I was sort of prepared, had a feeling that a fight was coming, and was able to mentally steel myself for violence before it happened so it left no lasting scars.
But being mugged really knocked me for a loop. The worst part about a mugging is that you don't have a chance to mentally prepare - one minute you're walking down a familiar street - the next three guys are beating the shit out of you - so you have do the mental preparation afterwards.
You are a victim and for a guy who does not see himself as a victim this is a hard thing to deal with.
So yeah. Listen, let him work it out, and give him some confidence. For me confidence was in the form of a roofer's hammer that I carried on the side of my backpack for about a year afterwards, but then I understood that once having been a victim, I am never again mentally unprepared, and having a weapon added little value over that.
posted by three blind mice at 2:29 AM on March 25, 2011
I was mugged in college, although it wasn't anywhere near as traumatic as your friend's case.
What helped me most was my friends closing ranks around me for a while. I'd been mugged on a streetcorner near my own dorm, and so when I went to visit friends in other dorms, they all walked me back to my own dorm at the end of the night so I wouldn't be caught on the same corner alone again. They listened when I wanted to talk. A couple of them who were in the martial arts club also offered to give me some self-defense tips.
But the thing is, at the heart of all of this, is my friends didn't just close ranks -- they also gave me control over my recovery. They didn't compell me to talk about it -- they asked how I was doing, and let me decide whether to talk about it or not. They didn't insist on walking me home -- they asked if I wanted it. They didn't lecture me with self-defense tips -- they offered first, and waited for me to say "yes" or "no". That also went a long way in helping -- because the mugging took my own sense of control over my affairs away for a while, and them giving it back to me helped me feel I was in control again.
The one thing I would also suggest you press a touch more, though, is to encourage your friend to file a police report if he hasn't. I am assuming he has -- since it sounds like his case was more violent -- but if he hasn't, I would gently urge him to do so; since that went a long, LONG way in helping me get my sense of control back again. I wasn't a victim any more; I wasn't just rolling over and letting things happen. I was standing up and saying "this was unacceptable, dammit". The police report came to naught -- but it still was HUGE in helping me not feel like I was just a victim. I mean, I was a victim, but I was a victim who was DOING SOMETHING about it, dammit.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:39 AM on March 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
What helped me most was my friends closing ranks around me for a while. I'd been mugged on a streetcorner near my own dorm, and so when I went to visit friends in other dorms, they all walked me back to my own dorm at the end of the night so I wouldn't be caught on the same corner alone again. They listened when I wanted to talk. A couple of them who were in the martial arts club also offered to give me some self-defense tips.
But the thing is, at the heart of all of this, is my friends didn't just close ranks -- they also gave me control over my recovery. They didn't compell me to talk about it -- they asked how I was doing, and let me decide whether to talk about it or not. They didn't insist on walking me home -- they asked if I wanted it. They didn't lecture me with self-defense tips -- they offered first, and waited for me to say "yes" or "no". That also went a long way in helping -- because the mugging took my own sense of control over my affairs away for a while, and them giving it back to me helped me feel I was in control again.
The one thing I would also suggest you press a touch more, though, is to encourage your friend to file a police report if he hasn't. I am assuming he has -- since it sounds like his case was more violent -- but if he hasn't, I would gently urge him to do so; since that went a long, LONG way in helping me get my sense of control back again. I wasn't a victim any more; I wasn't just rolling over and letting things happen. I was standing up and saying "this was unacceptable, dammit". The police report came to naught -- but it still was HUGE in helping me not feel like I was just a victim. I mean, I was a victim, but I was a victim who was DOING SOMETHING about it, dammit.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:39 AM on March 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
For me, after getting whacked on the head with my own 2x4 on my own porch, reading The Gift of Fear (mentioned here many times) was the most empowering part of recovery. I had lived in New York and Chicago and never been mugged (although I was pickpocketed) and that may have given me a false sense of bravado; even though I am not a fighter I am a big guy ("linebacker physique") and that may have protected me from learning how to really avoid violence. Through the book I learned how I had inadvertently allowed the situation to escalate and myself to be trapped, and how to read the signs of someone preparing to do major violence without flinching. I wouldn't press him to read it, though; just leave it with him.
I would also say that throwing myself back into community-organizing types of activities, working positively to make my city better, has been a great help in the long run. It sounds like this is something you could influence, perhaps by introducing him to people in your network involved in such things.
posted by dhartung at 9:49 AM on March 25, 2011
I would also say that throwing myself back into community-organizing types of activities, working positively to make my city better, has been a great help in the long run. It sounds like this is something you could influence, perhaps by introducing him to people in your network involved in such things.
posted by dhartung at 9:49 AM on March 25, 2011
Listen to him talk, check in on him a few times in the next few weeks, and again in a few months. This isn't something that goes away after a week or two when everyone else has forgotten. If you go out, offer walk him home, or give him a ride, or put him in a cab (and if he seems like he's turning it down to be polite, offer again, but don't force yourself on him). Offer to come over so he doesn't have to go out. Do not be surprised or offended if he can't seem to focus on a conversation if you're on the subway or walking around at [whatever triggers him: time of day, that subway line, someone who looks like the mugger, etc]. If you know of a good trauma therapist, it can't hurt to email him the rec, as long as you're low-pressure about it--just, hey, I know this person is good if you want to talk to someone.
posted by min at 7:56 AM on March 31, 2011
posted by min at 7:56 AM on March 31, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Nickel Pickle at 10:04 PM on March 24, 2011 [2 favorites]