Help me figure out what people are trying to tell me
February 8, 2011 6:55 PM Subscribe
Help-with-my-life-filter. I have a psychological issue that several boyfriends and friends have pointed out, and I'm not sure what it adds up to.
A bit of background:
I was badly abused as a child, didn't have any family support at all since I was a teenager, and was depressed for most of my life until my mid-20s. I managed to go to college, get into graduate school, have a few good jobs, and start a couple of businesses.
But I feel like (and I guess a lot of people feel this way) I have something great in me, that I can do something amazing with all of my energy and passion, but something holds me back.
Details:
I was just talking with a friend who said that she felt that I was opportunistic and cynical when considering personal and professional opportunities, instead of finding what I want and going after it, and that I thus often find myself in situations that don't suit me well or make me happy.
As she put it, you spend your time trying to hang out with awesome people and do their thing, rather than create something awesome yourself. An ex of mine said something similar: that I pile up credentials and accolades but don't *use* them in a way that makes a difference in the world.
I've heard this a lot from people who get close to me. I just don't know why I do this, what it's called, or how to start thinking about it.
Right now, I'm in graduate school and hoping to have an academic career that will get me some sort of stability while running some businesses on the side. But it spreads me really thin and the businesses are not a passion but something purely for money. The academics are not really a passion either. I like studying, I like academic environments (I do poorly at the regular 9-to-5 corporate life), but I don't have a topic (yet) that I care about.
I'm afraid to have a "thing" that is my calling card: Oh, that's the artist who does wearable computers, or that's the lawyer who wrote the book about intellectual property in Canada. I'm afraid of being pigeonholed and of failing.
To be honest, what feels most like *me* is to do whatever I can to feel safe after my hellish childhood. I want money, credentials, social connections -- whatever I can get that will keep the wolf from the door.
I'd also like to fulfill some childhood dreams: writing a novel, etc., but I'm afraid to take the risk of just taking time off because I don't want to fail and end up broke and crazy like my parents. I'm extremely risk-averse, but I don't look like it because I get stressed out easily and can't handle regular office jobs, etc. So I haven't taken the doctor/lawyer/corporate executive route that might make me feel safe.
I'm pretty functional, most of the time. And I am seeing a therapist pretty intensively with whom I've discussed this, but I want to see what the hive has to say.
My questions:
- What is going on here? What are people trying to tell me?
- How can I choose (and create) opportunities that are more "me", and what would that mean?
- How do people that have a strong personal/professional identity get that way? How could I get there?
A bit of background:
I was badly abused as a child, didn't have any family support at all since I was a teenager, and was depressed for most of my life until my mid-20s. I managed to go to college, get into graduate school, have a few good jobs, and start a couple of businesses.
But I feel like (and I guess a lot of people feel this way) I have something great in me, that I can do something amazing with all of my energy and passion, but something holds me back.
Details:
I was just talking with a friend who said that she felt that I was opportunistic and cynical when considering personal and professional opportunities, instead of finding what I want and going after it, and that I thus often find myself in situations that don't suit me well or make me happy.
As she put it, you spend your time trying to hang out with awesome people and do their thing, rather than create something awesome yourself. An ex of mine said something similar: that I pile up credentials and accolades but don't *use* them in a way that makes a difference in the world.
I've heard this a lot from people who get close to me. I just don't know why I do this, what it's called, or how to start thinking about it.
Right now, I'm in graduate school and hoping to have an academic career that will get me some sort of stability while running some businesses on the side. But it spreads me really thin and the businesses are not a passion but something purely for money. The academics are not really a passion either. I like studying, I like academic environments (I do poorly at the regular 9-to-5 corporate life), but I don't have a topic (yet) that I care about.
I'm afraid to have a "thing" that is my calling card: Oh, that's the artist who does wearable computers, or that's the lawyer who wrote the book about intellectual property in Canada. I'm afraid of being pigeonholed and of failing.
To be honest, what feels most like *me* is to do whatever I can to feel safe after my hellish childhood. I want money, credentials, social connections -- whatever I can get that will keep the wolf from the door.
I'd also like to fulfill some childhood dreams: writing a novel, etc., but I'm afraid to take the risk of just taking time off because I don't want to fail and end up broke and crazy like my parents. I'm extremely risk-averse, but I don't look like it because I get stressed out easily and can't handle regular office jobs, etc. So I haven't taken the doctor/lawyer/corporate executive route that might make me feel safe.
I'm pretty functional, most of the time. And I am seeing a therapist pretty intensively with whom I've discussed this, but I want to see what the hive has to say.
My questions:
- What is going on here? What are people trying to tell me?
- How can I choose (and create) opportunities that are more "me", and what would that mean?
- How do people that have a strong personal/professional identity get that way? How could I get there?
Best answer: - People are trying to tell you to do things you love, instead of things that make you feel like you've safely not stuck your neck out.
- You can choose and create opportunities that are more "you" by working on who, exactly, you are when you're happy. I worked on that in therapy, but journaling helps, thinking of things like the writing you mentioned and working out from there of other "you" things can help.
- People get a strong personal/professional identity by focusing on it. It sounds like you've been going broad, which is great in a lot of ways, but the people with the strong identities tend to focus on a few things and get really great at them. They try and fail and get even better, learning that failure is a great way to improve, define, and grow.
posted by ldthomps at 7:03 PM on February 8, 2011
- You can choose and create opportunities that are more "you" by working on who, exactly, you are when you're happy. I worked on that in therapy, but journaling helps, thinking of things like the writing you mentioned and working out from there of other "you" things can help.
- People get a strong personal/professional identity by focusing on it. It sounds like you've been going broad, which is great in a lot of ways, but the people with the strong identities tend to focus on a few things and get really great at them. They try and fail and get even better, learning that failure is a great way to improve, define, and grow.
posted by ldthomps at 7:03 PM on February 8, 2011
"that I pile up credentials and accolades but don't *use* them in a way that makes a difference in the world."
He said this, and it may be true, but does it upset you because you wish you were making a difference in the world, or does it upset you because he thought less of you?
If you are happy with yourself and you feel like you are making the amount of difference that you want to make, than him saying that doesn't mean you need to change any more than if he said, "You just always have blond hair" in a negative tone. So?
So is the problem that you want to change, or is the problem that other people think you should change (in which case I would say skrew them!)
Having dealt with self esteem issues, I ask this because sometimes people notice things about us and if we have low self esteem we blow out of proportion that this must be a terrible thing about us.
If you DO want to make a bigger difference in the world I would think xingcats advice is pretty good. All change, creative project etc requires some capital so working just to get money could lead to some cool opportunities.
What concerns you in the world? When you think about times in your life that were hard, are there any orginizations or community projects that are working to provide support, to change situations that are so hard for kids? Is there any way you could do acedemic research that would improve conditions for people that you really want to see happen?
"I was badly abused as a child, didn't have any family support at all since I was a teenager, and was depressed for most of my life until my mid-20s. I managed to go to college, get into graduate school, have a few good jobs, and start a couple of businesses."
If the people in your life can't see that you have managed an indescribable feat of triumph already, maybe they are missing a portion of who you are? It's not just anyone who can go through abuse and lonilliness and lack of support and still manage to exceed and thrive at school. I mean yes school can become the escape and that may be where you're getting stuck. You're hanging on to success for dear life because you know if you let up, what if no one is there? (I know this feeling, it's scary!)
It sounds like you are doing amazingly well. It sounds like anything that would make you more perfect you leap into and must succeed at. Your friends offered you some feedback and I just don't want you think it really means a darn thing about who you should be. I mean... what are THEY doing to change the world? If they think the world needs more passionate work done, then they should focus that passion on doing it and not making someone else feel bad!
You've been dealt a difficult hand, give yourself some slack. You are already good. The reason you can't MAKE yourself be passionate about something you're not passionate about is that --- well that isn't how passion arises. Maybe if you give yourself a break and appreciate just how damn awesome you are, you might have a little more room to relax and find out what you enjoy, for the sake of enjoying it and not "because you need to achieve better at enjoying things"-- (You don't! You've achieved more than a lot of people can imagine!)
: )
posted by xarnop at 7:53 PM on February 8, 2011 [11 favorites]
He said this, and it may be true, but does it upset you because you wish you were making a difference in the world, or does it upset you because he thought less of you?
If you are happy with yourself and you feel like you are making the amount of difference that you want to make, than him saying that doesn't mean you need to change any more than if he said, "You just always have blond hair" in a negative tone. So?
So is the problem that you want to change, or is the problem that other people think you should change (in which case I would say skrew them!)
Having dealt with self esteem issues, I ask this because sometimes people notice things about us and if we have low self esteem we blow out of proportion that this must be a terrible thing about us.
If you DO want to make a bigger difference in the world I would think xingcats advice is pretty good. All change, creative project etc requires some capital so working just to get money could lead to some cool opportunities.
What concerns you in the world? When you think about times in your life that were hard, are there any orginizations or community projects that are working to provide support, to change situations that are so hard for kids? Is there any way you could do acedemic research that would improve conditions for people that you really want to see happen?
"I was badly abused as a child, didn't have any family support at all since I was a teenager, and was depressed for most of my life until my mid-20s. I managed to go to college, get into graduate school, have a few good jobs, and start a couple of businesses."
If the people in your life can't see that you have managed an indescribable feat of triumph already, maybe they are missing a portion of who you are? It's not just anyone who can go through abuse and lonilliness and lack of support and still manage to exceed and thrive at school. I mean yes school can become the escape and that may be where you're getting stuck. You're hanging on to success for dear life because you know if you let up, what if no one is there? (I know this feeling, it's scary!)
It sounds like you are doing amazingly well. It sounds like anything that would make you more perfect you leap into and must succeed at. Your friends offered you some feedback and I just don't want you think it really means a darn thing about who you should be. I mean... what are THEY doing to change the world? If they think the world needs more passionate work done, then they should focus that passion on doing it and not making someone else feel bad!
You've been dealt a difficult hand, give yourself some slack. You are already good. The reason you can't MAKE yourself be passionate about something you're not passionate about is that --- well that isn't how passion arises. Maybe if you give yourself a break and appreciate just how damn awesome you are, you might have a little more room to relax and find out what you enjoy, for the sake of enjoying it and not "because you need to achieve better at enjoying things"-- (You don't! You've achieved more than a lot of people can imagine!)
: )
posted by xarnop at 7:53 PM on February 8, 2011 [11 favorites]
Best answer: my two-cent analysis: you're seeking validation by achieving/exceeding the expectations of others, because i'm guessing your abusive family's expectations either didn't exist or were impossible to meet. this allows you to focus on the rules, the hoops you need to jump through, the benchmarks of accomplishment rather than the work itself.
going out on your own with something, blazing a new path, means you don't have that external structure to guide you or give you feedback on your success (or not). it means committing for a long time to an idea without knowing whether or not it will mean anything to anyone else--which is probably a lot like trying to live up to the impossible, vague expectations of an erratic, abusive parent. (in fact, i know more than a few creative types who refer to their art as the abusive spouse, precisely for this reason.)
so the choices are to find a safe, structured place where the expectations are clear, where you can excel. you don't seem to like this idea. or you can go for it anyway. you might fail. hey, let's be honest, you probably will fail at first, because everybody does. go ahead and get that first failure out of the way so you don't have it looming over you. i remember reading something by a newspaper columnist (i can't remember who). he had a daily column in his local paper, and every monday he conquered his fear of the blank page (and yes, even experienced writers have this!) by saying, "one of the columns i write this week will be the worst column of the week. if i'm lucky, it'll be this one, so the rest will be better." obviously this doesn't apply to all situations (it would be terrifying if a surgeon began his work week thinking this!) but assuming we're not talking about life-or-death situations here, there's room to bomb.
maybe the thing to do is to pick one personal accomplishment a month. this month, i'll write a poem. next month, i'll buy that wacky necklace i love but never thought i could pull off--and wear it. the month after that, i'll do some research into this thing that interests me and see if there's a paper i could write about it. the month after that, i'll see if i can turn one of these businesses into a more "me" thing, either by adjusting the focus or maybe just the branding and marketing. but set a schedule and deadlines, and that will give you the structure you need. after a year, you'll be in the habit of taking little risks--it won't seem so scary. some will have failed, and some will have succeeded, and you'll realize that the failures won't destroy you and the successes are great, but oh so much more needs to be done for them to become awesome. spend your next year making those things awesome. a couple of years sounds like a long time, but you've had a lifetime to build those defenses--you won't be able to pull them down in a day.
not sure if any of this is what you need to hear, but good luck anyway. knowing that you're sabotaging yourself is an essential first step, and it's good that you've made it.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:53 PM on February 8, 2011 [6 favorites]
going out on your own with something, blazing a new path, means you don't have that external structure to guide you or give you feedback on your success (or not). it means committing for a long time to an idea without knowing whether or not it will mean anything to anyone else--which is probably a lot like trying to live up to the impossible, vague expectations of an erratic, abusive parent. (in fact, i know more than a few creative types who refer to their art as the abusive spouse, precisely for this reason.)
so the choices are to find a safe, structured place where the expectations are clear, where you can excel. you don't seem to like this idea. or you can go for it anyway. you might fail. hey, let's be honest, you probably will fail at first, because everybody does. go ahead and get that first failure out of the way so you don't have it looming over you. i remember reading something by a newspaper columnist (i can't remember who). he had a daily column in his local paper, and every monday he conquered his fear of the blank page (and yes, even experienced writers have this!) by saying, "one of the columns i write this week will be the worst column of the week. if i'm lucky, it'll be this one, so the rest will be better." obviously this doesn't apply to all situations (it would be terrifying if a surgeon began his work week thinking this!) but assuming we're not talking about life-or-death situations here, there's room to bomb.
maybe the thing to do is to pick one personal accomplishment a month. this month, i'll write a poem. next month, i'll buy that wacky necklace i love but never thought i could pull off--and wear it. the month after that, i'll do some research into this thing that interests me and see if there's a paper i could write about it. the month after that, i'll see if i can turn one of these businesses into a more "me" thing, either by adjusting the focus or maybe just the branding and marketing. but set a schedule and deadlines, and that will give you the structure you need. after a year, you'll be in the habit of taking little risks--it won't seem so scary. some will have failed, and some will have succeeded, and you'll realize that the failures won't destroy you and the successes are great, but oh so much more needs to be done for them to become awesome. spend your next year making those things awesome. a couple of years sounds like a long time, but you've had a lifetime to build those defenses--you won't be able to pull them down in a day.
not sure if any of this is what you need to hear, but good luck anyway. knowing that you're sabotaging yourself is an essential first step, and it's good that you've made it.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:53 PM on February 8, 2011 [6 favorites]
To be honest, what feels most like *me* is to do whatever I can to feel safe after my hellish childhood. I want money, credentials, social connections -- whatever I can get that will keep the wolf from the door.
For the time being, then, I see no reason why you shouldn't do just this. You are in therapy; you are working through your fears. You're doing exactly what you should do. Take it easy; you may well get to a point later where you are more willing to step out and take risks. That doesn't have to be now. It doesn't have to be ever.
Do your friends who say you are "cynical" or that you "pile up accolades" and do nothing with them know your history? Honestly, I can't imagine saying that to someone who has been through such a painful childhood. You don't say to someone with PTSD, "Buck up! Why are you not achieving more? What's your GOAL in life?" --because the person's goal at the moment may well be just to stay above water.
Go ahead and pile up those accolades! You have them coming. There's damage that's been done to you that needs to be undone, or compensated for in one way or another.
If you are a reader and want a story of an overachiever who was severely abused and came out on top, try Unbroken. The "out" that this guy found may not be your cup of tea at all, but you might find his story inspiring anyway.
Be SAFE, and best of luck to you.
posted by torticat at 8:19 PM on February 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
For the time being, then, I see no reason why you shouldn't do just this. You are in therapy; you are working through your fears. You're doing exactly what you should do. Take it easy; you may well get to a point later where you are more willing to step out and take risks. That doesn't have to be now. It doesn't have to be ever.
Do your friends who say you are "cynical" or that you "pile up accolades" and do nothing with them know your history? Honestly, I can't imagine saying that to someone who has been through such a painful childhood. You don't say to someone with PTSD, "Buck up! Why are you not achieving more? What's your GOAL in life?" --because the person's goal at the moment may well be just to stay above water.
Go ahead and pile up those accolades! You have them coming. There's damage that's been done to you that needs to be undone, or compensated for in one way or another.
If you are a reader and want a story of an overachiever who was severely abused and came out on top, try Unbroken. The "out" that this guy found may not be your cup of tea at all, but you might find his story inspiring anyway.
Be SAFE, and best of luck to you.
posted by torticat at 8:19 PM on February 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: > I'm afraid of being pigeonholed and of failing
> I'm afraid to have a "thing" that is my calling card
> What is going on here?
You don't want to collapse infinite choices into a single waveform because you think it will limit (trap) you. When you don't commit to a particular path, all possible paths are open. You're boundless! You can do anything! But when you choose something and commit to it, well, you lose all the other paths.
Or at least that's what you think in the back of your head.
Knock it off already. Choose what you're good at, not what you don't hate but what you love, and then gather up all that spread-out, wasted energy, and put it in a few well-chosen places! That's what those people who fascinate you are doing.
You don't know what you love because you're all tied up in yourself. You have a pile of labels about yourself; you're an academic, you're an abuse survivor, you're someone who sucks at 'real' day jobs. Whatever. What you are is afraid to love, because you have love and failure all mixed up.
Here's a secret: one can't fail at love. Love just is. For example, I'm a musician and I love music, and sometimes I make really good music... and other times I suck so much I can't believe it, but the love remains the same regardless of execution.
Here's your homework: let yourself discover what you love, then love it as fully as you can even though love seems risky. (It's not. Vulnerability is one of those one-hand-clapping things: the more vulnerable you are, the happier and stronger you are. See The Power of Vulnerability at TED Talks for a jump-off point on that whole thing.)
You've spent years cultivating your intellect, now cultivate your feelings. Learn to do things from joy and not to avoid fear. Take risks. Look stupid. Let people think you're foolish. Make mistakes. Cultivate the willingness of a child; that's how learning happens best.
Devil's advocate: Maybe hanging out with awesome people and doing their thing is your thing! Nothing wrong with that. Not everyone who loves jazz albums is a jazz musician, after all.
You're awesome. Good luck.
posted by goblinbox at 8:33 PM on February 8, 2011 [12 favorites]
> I'm afraid to have a "thing" that is my calling card
> What is going on here?
You don't want to collapse infinite choices into a single waveform because you think it will limit (trap) you. When you don't commit to a particular path, all possible paths are open. You're boundless! You can do anything! But when you choose something and commit to it, well, you lose all the other paths.
Or at least that's what you think in the back of your head.
Knock it off already. Choose what you're good at, not what you don't hate but what you love, and then gather up all that spread-out, wasted energy, and put it in a few well-chosen places! That's what those people who fascinate you are doing.
You don't know what you love because you're all tied up in yourself. You have a pile of labels about yourself; you're an academic, you're an abuse survivor, you're someone who sucks at 'real' day jobs. Whatever. What you are is afraid to love, because you have love and failure all mixed up.
Here's a secret: one can't fail at love. Love just is. For example, I'm a musician and I love music, and sometimes I make really good music... and other times I suck so much I can't believe it, but the love remains the same regardless of execution.
Here's your homework: let yourself discover what you love, then love it as fully as you can even though love seems risky. (It's not. Vulnerability is one of those one-hand-clapping things: the more vulnerable you are, the happier and stronger you are. See The Power of Vulnerability at TED Talks for a jump-off point on that whole thing.)
You've spent years cultivating your intellect, now cultivate your feelings. Learn to do things from joy and not to avoid fear. Take risks. Look stupid. Let people think you're foolish. Make mistakes. Cultivate the willingness of a child; that's how learning happens best.
Devil's advocate: Maybe hanging out with awesome people and doing their thing is your thing! Nothing wrong with that. Not everyone who loves jazz albums is a jazz musician, after all.
You're awesome. Good luck.
posted by goblinbox at 8:33 PM on February 8, 2011 [12 favorites]
Seems like you care more about what others see/feel/think about you than you do about your own feelings. Try to sort out the difference between who you are, and who you want to be seen as.
I would not say that any of what you describe is a psychological problem. It seems more like just part of a process of maturation/wisdom.
If, however, you go through cycles where you put the awesome people on pedastals, and then at some point you get sick of them and start to hate them, maybe mention that to your therapist. Could be a thing, probably isn't. Relationships wax and wane; this would be something more than that.
Note: there is a difference between being a hanger-on, and being a friend. Hangers on add nothing. They are there to absorb the "energy" from whoever this awesome person is. Groupies, for example. But, awesome people need friends too. So if the rock climbing, speed racing, astronaut test pilot calls you up and wants to go golfing with you, you aren't *taking* from them, you are participating with them. You are friends because you both enjoy each other's company. Note also: the other person decides the friendship. You, I, everyone, present ourselves as friendly people, and others bite or they don't. Meaning, don't try to get into people's heads and take away their decision to like you. That is their decision, let them like you for whatever reason they want.
posted by gjc at 8:58 PM on February 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would not say that any of what you describe is a psychological problem. It seems more like just part of a process of maturation/wisdom.
If, however, you go through cycles where you put the awesome people on pedastals, and then at some point you get sick of them and start to hate them, maybe mention that to your therapist. Could be a thing, probably isn't. Relationships wax and wane; this would be something more than that.
Note: there is a difference between being a hanger-on, and being a friend. Hangers on add nothing. They are there to absorb the "energy" from whoever this awesome person is. Groupies, for example. But, awesome people need friends too. So if the rock climbing, speed racing, astronaut test pilot calls you up and wants to go golfing with you, you aren't *taking* from them, you are participating with them. You are friends because you both enjoy each other's company. Note also: the other person decides the friendship. You, I, everyone, present ourselves as friendly people, and others bite or they don't. Meaning, don't try to get into people's heads and take away their decision to like you. That is their decision, let them like you for whatever reason they want.
posted by gjc at 8:58 PM on February 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Goblinbox says a lot of things that are good.
It's safer to focus on surviving, but eventually, survival isn't enough. You can live on scraps, it's true, but a feast feeds the soul as well as the body.
Life is a beautiful, terrible, savage thing. All the knocks and hard times will beat it into you and out of you. Seems like there's only one question that matters, and the darker things get, the brighter it becomes -
What do you love?
Not who - it's not a person or an object, but the deeper root of joy. I don't love the art I make, I love the act of creation. I don't love the specific person, I love what we are together ... forgive me if I am not explaining this well ... I don't love the flower, I love what it means, which is a whole language of symbols and memories unique to me. I don't love the tangible thing, I love the idea.
Find that. Mine your beautiful moments for the core of joy, and then keep seeking that feeling wherever you go. It's the only thing that seems to make all the heartache worthwhile. For me, anyway, and I'm still looking.
posted by griselda at 10:15 PM on February 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's safer to focus on surviving, but eventually, survival isn't enough. You can live on scraps, it's true, but a feast feeds the soul as well as the body.
Life is a beautiful, terrible, savage thing. All the knocks and hard times will beat it into you and out of you. Seems like there's only one question that matters, and the darker things get, the brighter it becomes -
What do you love?
Not who - it's not a person or an object, but the deeper root of joy. I don't love the art I make, I love the act of creation. I don't love the specific person, I love what we are together ... forgive me if I am not explaining this well ... I don't love the flower, I love what it means, which is a whole language of symbols and memories unique to me. I don't love the tangible thing, I love the idea.
Find that. Mine your beautiful moments for the core of joy, and then keep seeking that feeling wherever you go. It's the only thing that seems to make all the heartache worthwhile. For me, anyway, and I'm still looking.
posted by griselda at 10:15 PM on February 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
As she put it, you spend your time trying to hang out with awesome people and do their thing, rather than create something awesome yourself. An ex of mine said something similar: that I pile up credentials and accolades but don't *use* them in a way that makes a difference in the world.
This is not something a true friend says. Would YOU ever tell a friend they're "opportunistic and cynical and don't make a true difference in the world"? I wouldn't. Unless they were truly concerned for your happiness -and you can tell if someone is faking that to make a nasty comment, usually.
Jealousy is probably a big factor in these comments. Especially if these friends are pursuing a dream job that leaves them poor, or don't have credentials. They're jealous. The grass is always greener.
The way you become a person with focused passion is by ignoring stupid, insensitive things jealous frenemies and exes say. Really. That's probably the #1 thing people with passion do. Not kidding. It will serve you will.
posted by Nixy at 1:30 AM on February 9, 2011 [5 favorites]
This is not something a true friend says. Would YOU ever tell a friend they're "opportunistic and cynical and don't make a true difference in the world"? I wouldn't. Unless they were truly concerned for your happiness -and you can tell if someone is faking that to make a nasty comment, usually.
Jealousy is probably a big factor in these comments. Especially if these friends are pursuing a dream job that leaves them poor, or don't have credentials. They're jealous. The grass is always greener.
The way you become a person with focused passion is by ignoring stupid, insensitive things jealous frenemies and exes say. Really. That's probably the #1 thing people with passion do. Not kidding. It will serve you will.
posted by Nixy at 1:30 AM on February 9, 2011 [5 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds to me like you are hoarding whatever you can, in case the future sucks and you need something. Job opportunities, degrees, money, whatever. You are scared of not having enough, because you grew up without basic needs being met.
(Sorry about playing pop psychologist, but that interpretation of your story above seems pretty obvious.)
As to how to overcome that, I would say that you sound pretty young still, and I bet that if you spend enough years surrounding yourself with enough and more than enough to meet your needs, you will eventually feel more secure, and be able to let go and focus on what's really important to you. But give yourself time! You need time to learn that you can provide for yourself. You need time to learn that life isn't going to pull the rug out from under you all the time. And you need time to discover what is most important to you.
Meanwhile, enjoy what you have as much as you can. Keep taking care of yourself. You sound like you have done awesomely to get to where you are.
posted by lollusc at 1:40 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
(Sorry about playing pop psychologist, but that interpretation of your story above seems pretty obvious.)
As to how to overcome that, I would say that you sound pretty young still, and I bet that if you spend enough years surrounding yourself with enough and more than enough to meet your needs, you will eventually feel more secure, and be able to let go and focus on what's really important to you. But give yourself time! You need time to learn that you can provide for yourself. You need time to learn that life isn't going to pull the rug out from under you all the time. And you need time to discover what is most important to you.
Meanwhile, enjoy what you have as much as you can. Keep taking care of yourself. You sound like you have done awesomely to get to where you are.
posted by lollusc at 1:40 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
You're right not to want to take a chunk of time off to write your novel. You need a stream of income, like everybody else. A lot of people enjoy lying that money is not needed to get through life and if you were an authentic person you'd just get out there and do what you love! follow your passion! make a difference! BUT THAT'S BULLSHIT. I will come back to this in a moment.
Of course you should write your novel. But you can block out ten hours on a Saturday to write it. The rest of the week you'll probably be writing it in your head anyway. Or if your schedule is too full to do that much right now, just think about the novel, make little notes here and there as you go along, and once you have a steadier schedule you can block out more time for the writing proper. Your novel will be that much better for taking your time over it.
But yeah. I agree with others that your friends do not sound very nice. You, on the other hand, sound like a very conscientious person who has achieved far more than most people their age, against far greater odds. And your "friends" reward this by taunting you for not living the life of an Anthony Robbins seminar. If even one of your "friends" is living that life themselves, I can almost guarantee that it's not even real but is just a façade relying on heavy amounts of unacknowledged support and/or constant lying to themselves and others.
I agree with you, I think you have the capacity to be and do something great. You are still in the information-gathering stage. One day this will all come together and you will do something great. But you don't have to beat yourself up for not having done it yet, and definitely consider stepping away from these underminers and acquiring some friends who will build you up and cheer you on.
posted by tel3path at 2:52 AM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
Of course you should write your novel. But you can block out ten hours on a Saturday to write it. The rest of the week you'll probably be writing it in your head anyway. Or if your schedule is too full to do that much right now, just think about the novel, make little notes here and there as you go along, and once you have a steadier schedule you can block out more time for the writing proper. Your novel will be that much better for taking your time over it.
But yeah. I agree with others that your friends do not sound very nice. You, on the other hand, sound like a very conscientious person who has achieved far more than most people their age, against far greater odds. And your "friends" reward this by taunting you for not living the life of an Anthony Robbins seminar. If even one of your "friends" is living that life themselves, I can almost guarantee that it's not even real but is just a façade relying on heavy amounts of unacknowledged support and/or constant lying to themselves and others.
I agree with you, I think you have the capacity to be and do something great. You are still in the information-gathering stage. One day this will all come together and you will do something great. But you don't have to beat yourself up for not having done it yet, and definitely consider stepping away from these underminers and acquiring some friends who will build you up and cheer you on.
posted by tel3path at 2:52 AM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I don't think these friends are trying to be mean to me. It's not said out of the blue, but after talking a lot about what we want to do with our lives, how to move forward towards our goals, etc.
Also, some of these friends are extremely successful. You might have heard of them successful. So it's not that they are sitting around watching re-runs and being critical. I was going to put that in the original question but didn't want it to sound weird.
Please, keep any and all ideas coming!
posted by 3491again at 3:58 AM on February 9, 2011
Also, some of these friends are extremely successful. You might have heard of them successful. So it's not that they are sitting around watching re-runs and being critical. I was going to put that in the original question but didn't want it to sound weird.
Please, keep any and all ideas coming!
posted by 3491again at 3:58 AM on February 9, 2011
Well, if you're sure of your friends' good faith, I think the next step is to keep your eyes peeled for opportunities to use some of the credentials you already have.
Suppose you have a certificate in underwater dog manicure, but haven't manicured a single dog since. Well, supposing you come across an ad on a billboard looking for underwater dog manicurists every Thursday evening for three hours. Calling the number on the ad won't cost you anything, and if it doesn't work out, you haven't lost anything except a few Thursday evenings. If it does work out, one thing can lead to another, you know?
posted by tel3path at 5:42 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Suppose you have a certificate in underwater dog manicure, but haven't manicured a single dog since. Well, supposing you come across an ad on a billboard looking for underwater dog manicurists every Thursday evening for three hours. Calling the number on the ad won't cost you anything, and if it doesn't work out, you haven't lost anything except a few Thursday evenings. If it does work out, one thing can lead to another, you know?
posted by tel3path at 5:42 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Another thought: "I was just talking with a friend who said that she felt that I was opportunistic and cynical when considering personal and professional opportunities, instead of finding what I want and going after it, and that I thus often find myself in situations that don't suit me well or make me happy."
It sounds like you're maybe trying to make yourself up backwards? If so, maybe you shouldn't go for the underwater dog manicuring just because you're qualified to do it and there's an opportunity. Maybe you should enrol in the rollerblade hanggliding class you've always wanted to do instead. Does that ring a bell with you?
posted by tel3path at 5:44 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you're maybe trying to make yourself up backwards? If so, maybe you shouldn't go for the underwater dog manicuring just because you're qualified to do it and there's an opportunity. Maybe you should enrol in the rollerblade hanggliding class you've always wanted to do instead. Does that ring a bell with you?
posted by tel3path at 5:44 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: FWIW your post rang a bell for me but I can't give you advice, I can only tell you what I figured out for myself.
Like you, I feel like I need a lot of security in my life, the feeling that I am "doing well" whatever that means. That I am abreast of the wave by objective criteria: career, house, marriage etc. And yes, I have given up a lot of risk but also excitement because of that: chosen stable boyfriends instead of ones that might have set off my fireworks, staid in a job that paid the bills and impresses people but made me unhappy.
It is also more important to me (I have to admit after reading your post) to, for instance, win a prize in a writing contest than actually knuckling down and writing what I want to write but that might be fraught with failure.
As a result, for most of my life, I have felt like a tree with very shallow roots. Like I am consistently full of potential and people think I have cool talents and abilities, but lack everything else to actually make a difference to the world. Like I have just enough tenaciousness to convince jurors but no more.
If that were all I wanted in life, it wouldn't be the problem, but the problem is that I DO want to make a difference. I want to finally be something tangible and deep instead of being the possibility of several brilliant things.
If you feel that your friends are trying to help you, then maybe this is what they want to help you with: The possibility that you might spend the rest of your life living in a way that is unfulfilling. Because the longer it goes on, the harder it may be for you to break out of.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:45 AM on February 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
Like you, I feel like I need a lot of security in my life, the feeling that I am "doing well" whatever that means. That I am abreast of the wave by objective criteria: career, house, marriage etc. And yes, I have given up a lot of risk but also excitement because of that: chosen stable boyfriends instead of ones that might have set off my fireworks, staid in a job that paid the bills and impresses people but made me unhappy.
It is also more important to me (I have to admit after reading your post) to, for instance, win a prize in a writing contest than actually knuckling down and writing what I want to write but that might be fraught with failure.
As a result, for most of my life, I have felt like a tree with very shallow roots. Like I am consistently full of potential and people think I have cool talents and abilities, but lack everything else to actually make a difference to the world. Like I have just enough tenaciousness to convince jurors but no more.
If that were all I wanted in life, it wouldn't be the problem, but the problem is that I DO want to make a difference. I want to finally be something tangible and deep instead of being the possibility of several brilliant things.
If you feel that your friends are trying to help you, then maybe this is what they want to help you with: The possibility that you might spend the rest of your life living in a way that is unfulfilling. Because the longer it goes on, the harder it may be for you to break out of.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:45 AM on February 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
tel3path,
Yes, that definitely rings a bell. I tend to go for underwater dog manicuring (etc.) because it sounds prestigious/will make money/seems like a surer thing. But it's not like I have a huge burning passion for something else. I just fill my days with things that seem like they will help me be successful.
posted by metametababe at 5:47 AM on February 9, 2011
Yes, that definitely rings a bell. I tend to go for underwater dog manicuring (etc.) because it sounds prestigious/will make money/seems like a surer thing. But it's not like I have a huge burning passion for something else. I just fill my days with things that seem like they will help me be successful.
posted by metametababe at 5:47 AM on February 9, 2011
metametababe, perhaps the problem is that you don't know what you want?
If so, given a choice between two different things, try this: say out loud "metametababe wants to do X." Then pause to let that sink in. Next, say "metametababe wants to do Y." Pause. Now see which of these felt truer.
I know it might sound silly but it's a technique I sometimes resort to when I'm stumped.
posted by tel3path at 5:59 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
If so, given a choice between two different things, try this: say out loud "metametababe wants to do X." Then pause to let that sink in. Next, say "metametababe wants to do Y." Pause. Now see which of these felt truer.
I know it might sound silly but it's a technique I sometimes resort to when I'm stumped.
posted by tel3path at 5:59 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
"Some people will never understand what it's like to not have family. They'll tell you to relax, pursue your dreams!, whatever. They are coming from a position of lucky ignorance."
For the win.
posted by xarnop at 10:22 AM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
For the win.
posted by xarnop at 10:22 AM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Your pursuits don't have to be career-related, either. If going into something you love for a career is too daunting right now, take away some of the stakes and make your career about money and stability, and then use hobbies or side businesses to explore your passion. Some of the most passionate people have day jobs so they can be free to do what they want on their off time.
posted by xingcat at 7:00 PM on February 8, 2011 [2 favorites]