How to hack sexual aversion?
January 31, 2011 11:37 AM Subscribe
I've been through all the obvious stuff - I need other suggestions on how to get turned on! special snowflake, of course.
Due to extensive past things happening to me, i have pretty serious sexual aversion disorder.
yes, i plan on going to therapy and seeing a doctor, but not till i have health insurance/more money, so please, no answers involving those things. i got that covered.
i'm married, and when the relationship was still fresh and new, that excitement overrode the problems and i was able to have lots of sex. now that i'm comfortable in the relationship (2.5 years in, total), all those issues are back full force, and it's really really difficult to get turned on. fingering, oral, massage, and stroking are out. i don't want the first two, and my husband has a very hard time with sensual closeness (other than sex) due to upbringing, so things like the last two are out.
i have combed google, and so far all i can find is that i need to "relax". i need specifics. so i turn to the hive mind, hoping for possible out of the ordinary ideas/something i haven't thought of.
things i have tried and have not worked -
baths, the whole candles/rose petals thing, listening to sexy music.
things that do work -
getting a professional massage. tried a personal massager for my lady parts and for other parts of my body, not working. Like i said, this is out as far as my husband doing it, and he has no desire/will not try. please, no judging him, he's doing the best that he can with his own issues. the same problem i have with sex he has with being sensitive and "touchy feely". he is not open to therapy, that is not an option for him, so please, no "well have a serious talk and make him understand that it would be good for him"/"well maybe you two aren't compatible, DTMFA" (can you tell i'm am avid reader of the askme human relations section? haha)
so, hive mind...ideas to get turned on?
Due to extensive past things happening to me, i have pretty serious sexual aversion disorder.
yes, i plan on going to therapy and seeing a doctor, but not till i have health insurance/more money, so please, no answers involving those things. i got that covered.
i'm married, and when the relationship was still fresh and new, that excitement overrode the problems and i was able to have lots of sex. now that i'm comfortable in the relationship (2.5 years in, total), all those issues are back full force, and it's really really difficult to get turned on. fingering, oral, massage, and stroking are out. i don't want the first two, and my husband has a very hard time with sensual closeness (other than sex) due to upbringing, so things like the last two are out.
i have combed google, and so far all i can find is that i need to "relax". i need specifics. so i turn to the hive mind, hoping for possible out of the ordinary ideas/something i haven't thought of.
things i have tried and have not worked -
baths, the whole candles/rose petals thing, listening to sexy music.
things that do work -
getting a professional massage. tried a personal massager for my lady parts and for other parts of my body, not working. Like i said, this is out as far as my husband doing it, and he has no desire/will not try. please, no judging him, he's doing the best that he can with his own issues. the same problem i have with sex he has with being sensitive and "touchy feely". he is not open to therapy, that is not an option for him, so please, no "well have a serious talk and make him understand that it would be good for him"/"well maybe you two aren't compatible, DTMFA" (can you tell i'm am avid reader of the askme human relations section? haha)
so, hive mind...ideas to get turned on?
You didn't mention the Big 2: visual pornography or written erotica. Heck, even something milder like romance novels. Knowing what sorts of things you're interested in "in the real world" would help people make more targeted suggestions in this arena.
posted by muddgirl at 11:41 AM on January 31, 2011
posted by muddgirl at 11:41 AM on January 31, 2011
Does satisfying yourself work?
posted by mooselini at 11:43 AM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by mooselini at 11:43 AM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
Not sure which personal massager you tried, but this Hitachi is supposed to work quite nicely, and not just for lady parts. (I prefer smaller machines myself so I haven't tried it, but I have a friend who loves hers.)
Is porn totally out? Watching other people do their thing does a lot for a lot of people. Two movie suggestions (and these are more mainstream movies from cultures with far fewer hangups about nudity and sex, and not actually "porn"):
Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love is beautiful (though sad).
and
Better Than Sex is much more light-hearted and kind of adorable. To me, anyway. YMMV!
Erotica is a good idea too. I usually liked at least some of the material in the yearly Susie Bright anthologies, though it's been many years since I picked one up.
posted by Glinn at 12:11 PM on January 31, 2011
Is porn totally out? Watching other people do their thing does a lot for a lot of people. Two movie suggestions (and these are more mainstream movies from cultures with far fewer hangups about nudity and sex, and not actually "porn"):
Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love is beautiful (though sad).
and
Better Than Sex is much more light-hearted and kind of adorable. To me, anyway. YMMV!
Erotica is a good idea too. I usually liked at least some of the material in the yearly Susie Bright anthologies, though it's been many years since I picked one up.
posted by Glinn at 12:11 PM on January 31, 2011
If not porn, why not try a smoldering romantic comedy?
posted by bluedaisy at 12:13 PM on January 31, 2011
posted by bluedaisy at 12:13 PM on January 31, 2011
Are you comfortable with your body in general? Dance is a great way to get in touch with your physical self. I like my body better now that it knows some neat tricks. My posture is better and I feel more confident in social situations. If your husband is willing you might try ballroom dance together. It's good to go to weddings and the like and not to stand on the sidelines watching others enjoy themselves. It fosters good memories.
I'll warn you - dance can be tough at first. It can take some time to get over beginner's awkwardness (just remember that everybody's focusing on their own awkwardness). Stick with it. It's good exercise for the brain and body, and it's fun. Strengthen that connection to your physical self and it could translate into an easier time with arousal.
posted by griselda at 12:21 PM on January 31, 2011
I'll warn you - dance can be tough at first. It can take some time to get over beginner's awkwardness (just remember that everybody's focusing on their own awkwardness). Stick with it. It's good exercise for the brain and body, and it's fun. Strengthen that connection to your physical self and it could translate into an easier time with arousal.
posted by griselda at 12:21 PM on January 31, 2011
Smoke a little dope?
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 12:37 PM on January 31, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 12:37 PM on January 31, 2011 [6 favorites]
Something to think about as a way of getting more regular massages without breaking the bank is looking for local massage schools, if any, which often offer good and affordable massages by interns.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:38 PM on January 31, 2011
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:38 PM on January 31, 2011
Here's a breathing/relaxation exercise you might want to try. It might sound kind of woo-woo, but it can help you relax and get in touch with your bodily sensations.
Close your eyes. Visualize each deep breath in as a wave of energy entering your body. Picture it as a reddish glow, or whatever color feels most sensual to you. As you breathe in, the energy spreads from your lungs, through your arms and legs out to your fingertips and toes. As you breathe out, the energy flows back out through your lungs. Do this a few times, taking slow, deep breaths. Try to feel the warmth of the energy moving through your body.
Next, start to notice/visualize the energy concentrating in your erogenous zones with each in-breath. When you breathe out, the energy doesn't all leave your body. Those all important zones keep their glow, their warmth, and each breath you take in increases the pools of energy. Continue breathing and visualizing this way for as long as you feel comfortable doing so.
posted by vytae at 1:25 PM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
Close your eyes. Visualize each deep breath in as a wave of energy entering your body. Picture it as a reddish glow, or whatever color feels most sensual to you. As you breathe in, the energy spreads from your lungs, through your arms and legs out to your fingertips and toes. As you breathe out, the energy flows back out through your lungs. Do this a few times, taking slow, deep breaths. Try to feel the warmth of the energy moving through your body.
Next, start to notice/visualize the energy concentrating in your erogenous zones with each in-breath. When you breathe out, the energy doesn't all leave your body. Those all important zones keep their glow, their warmth, and each breath you take in increases the pools of energy. Continue breathing and visualizing this way for as long as you feel comfortable doing so.
posted by vytae at 1:25 PM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
A guaranteed date every week for the rest of your lives together.
posted by parmanparman at 1:56 PM on January 31, 2011
posted by parmanparman at 1:56 PM on January 31, 2011
I know you said no judging your husband, but sex is a two person thing, and so we do need to know what he is willing to do to help. By "no stroking" does that mean he is not willing to caress you as part of foreplay? Do you kiss? Does he touch your other hot spots, whatever thy are (nipples, etc)? Because if not, and given that you don't like him fingering you or oral, that means you are basically trying to get turned on without him touching you at all, which would be difficult to impossible for me and many others. If this is the case then you just need to turn yourself on as if you were masturbating alone, however that works best for you: porn, touching yourself, whatever. When you are about to come, jump him.
posted by mrs. sock at 2:26 PM on January 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by mrs. sock at 2:26 PM on January 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
Some interesting suggestions so far. I would suggest that you buy some massage oils (pharmacies often stock them so you don't have to go to an adult store) and ask your partner for a good long back rub. If your partner is iffy about it, just get a shoulder rub. Do it outside the bedroom, even.
Don't view it as a prelude to sexual activity, just enjoy it for it's own sake. Or offer him one.
Anyone can give a good back rub. Get more comfortable with just casual non-sexual touching. If it leads to sex, great, but don't make that the goal.
Reciprocate. Try foot rubs, even something as simple as scratching your partners scalp feels nice and reminds them that you are there and you are thinking of them.
Have a shower together. Again, don't make it a big deal. Just do it. Enjoy your partners company, and being close.
Spend some time, when you can, just daydreaming about what you would enjoy. It doesn't need to be obviously physical, but imagining how things can be will often help with your desire.
That's the softly-softly approach. Otherwise I would suggest talking to your partner.
If you decide to, take your time working out what to say, what words to use. Don't talk about sex, talk about intimacy. Talk about him expressing the way he feels about you by simple things like stroking your face, etc. He will hopefully get the hint.
Good luck.
posted by Dillonlikescookies at 3:19 PM on January 31, 2011
Don't view it as a prelude to sexual activity, just enjoy it for it's own sake. Or offer him one.
Anyone can give a good back rub. Get more comfortable with just casual non-sexual touching. If it leads to sex, great, but don't make that the goal.
Reciprocate. Try foot rubs, even something as simple as scratching your partners scalp feels nice and reminds them that you are there and you are thinking of them.
Have a shower together. Again, don't make it a big deal. Just do it. Enjoy your partners company, and being close.
Spend some time, when you can, just daydreaming about what you would enjoy. It doesn't need to be obviously physical, but imagining how things can be will often help with your desire.
That's the softly-softly approach. Otherwise I would suggest talking to your partner.
If you decide to, take your time working out what to say, what words to use. Don't talk about sex, talk about intimacy. Talk about him expressing the way he feels about you by simple things like stroking your face, etc. He will hopefully get the hint.
Good luck.
posted by Dillonlikescookies at 3:19 PM on January 31, 2011
As I read this, your husband won't do the physical things that you need and are willing to let him do, so what about mental things? I like the smoke up idea, actually, but why not try the opposite direction? When things were new and exciting you didn't have this problem... anything like sex in new places, roleplay, bringing in other people, etc. might have success as a new-and-exciting thing.
posted by J. Wilson at 3:51 PM on January 31, 2011
posted by J. Wilson at 3:51 PM on January 31, 2011
Mod note: From the OP:
I have also tried looking at all kinds of porn, as well as erotic/romantic stories, and have tried masturbation, neither of these have worked. I have the hitachi massager (one of the strongest ones out there), and i like it, but it never makes me want to engage with someone else, just myself. also, while smoking something of the herbal nature has worked VERY well, it makes him quite upset, because he is then of the mind that "i can't sleep with him unless i'm intoxicated", in a very crude sense. i get where he's coming from, and while it's not the case, it really just does allow me to relax enough to be able to enjoy sexytime, it's just not a viable option because he can't get past that thought.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 4:24 PM on January 31, 2011
OP: i get where he's coming from, and while it's not the case, it really just does allow me to relax enough to be able to enjoy sexytime, it's just not a viable option because he can't get past that thought.
So you have found something that helps and he's got a mental issue with it? That seems kind of ... unfair. It's like a woman having a problem with a man who takes Viagra because he's under the influence of pharmaceuticals.
It seems to me that you're doing an awful lot of work and the expectation is that you will spontaneously turn on like a switch. Consider that your arousal "issues" might have something to do with an environment that has established unrealistic expectations of your body. There's only so much that people can recommend before it becomes a game of playing hide-and-seek from the real problem, IMO.
posted by griselda at 4:54 PM on January 31, 2011 [8 favorites]
So you have found something that helps and he's got a mental issue with it? That seems kind of ... unfair. It's like a woman having a problem with a man who takes Viagra because he's under the influence of pharmaceuticals.
It seems to me that you're doing an awful lot of work and the expectation is that you will spontaneously turn on like a switch. Consider that your arousal "issues" might have something to do with an environment that has established unrealistic expectations of your body. There's only so much that people can recommend before it becomes a game of playing hide-and-seek from the real problem, IMO.
posted by griselda at 4:54 PM on January 31, 2011 [8 favorites]
It sounds like you already know what you need, and he isn't willing to work with you.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:18 PM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:18 PM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
What do you mean by masturbation doesn't work? It doesn't work by yourself at all, or only with him? If the latter, then you could always just go into another room and get yourself revved up in privacy, then bring him into the picture. But honestly, though, your last update makes clear that this is really about him, not you. He's not willing to do what you like, then guilts you for doing the things that work that are under your control? I'm not saying dtmfa, but I think you might be better off placing the blame where it belongs. It doesn't sound as of you are suffering from any aversion, but rather from a partner who refuses to engage in any foreplay you like.
posted by mrs. sock at 6:30 PM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by mrs. sock at 6:30 PM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
I had a different problem in the sexual arena, but my solution might be helpful to you, too: hypnotherapy. I didn't do the gimmicky game hypnosis (which is fun in its own right!) but actual therapy from someone who used hypnosis as a tool to overcome internal blocks and hurdles.
Having done that, I've also gotten a lot out of tantra and other hedonistic pursuits, which I think are more useful for me now than they would have been previously.
The main thing you would need to do if going the hypnotherapy route is identify a fairly specific question/problem that you're trying to solve. In my case, I had trouble reaching orgasm with a partner (but could do it myself just fine), so it was pretty easy to articulate. Yours sounds a little more vague, perhaps, but possibly still tractable!
I'm sympathetic to working within the available constraints, but I also agree with other commenters who have noted that this shouldn't just be your problem to solve.
posted by rosa at 6:42 PM on January 31, 2011
Having done that, I've also gotten a lot out of tantra and other hedonistic pursuits, which I think are more useful for me now than they would have been previously.
The main thing you would need to do if going the hypnotherapy route is identify a fairly specific question/problem that you're trying to solve. In my case, I had trouble reaching orgasm with a partner (but could do it myself just fine), so it was pretty easy to articulate. Yours sounds a little more vague, perhaps, but possibly still tractable!
I'm sympathetic to working within the available constraints, but I also agree with other commenters who have noted that this shouldn't just be your problem to solve.
posted by rosa at 6:42 PM on January 31, 2011
I recommend the book Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma. It's basically a guide to moving on and having a sex life after a traumatic past, and it has a lot of recommendations about how to really relax, trust, and be present in your body. You may not be interested in all of the things the author goes into-- there's a lot about the possibilities of using BDSM stuff to purge sexual demons for instance-- but you can take the parts that sound approachable and possible, given your feelings and those of your husband, and run with them.
I also recommend that when you get the insurance/money situation worked out that you involve your husband as much as you can in the therapy process. Consider couples therapy/ sex therapy in addition to whatever personal therapeutic work you feel you need to do. It sounds like your husband's issues may be as much as, if not more, of a contributing factor to this situation as your issues are.
posted by bookish at 6:49 PM on January 31, 2011
I also recommend that when you get the insurance/money situation worked out that you involve your husband as much as you can in the therapy process. Consider couples therapy/ sex therapy in addition to whatever personal therapeutic work you feel you need to do. It sounds like your husband's issues may be as much as, if not more, of a contributing factor to this situation as your issues are.
posted by bookish at 6:49 PM on January 31, 2011
Your partner sounds like he has quite a few hang ups which are hindering your progress with this. Perhaps this would be a good opportunity for you both to work on yourselves? Despite his upbringing, I really think that learning to be sensual and physically close to your partner is of utmost vital life importance, it really would be a shame for life to end without having ever come to appreciate this - especially with your married partner!
Following up from this idea, but far less important compared to above, is him working on his uptight attitude regarding intoxication. The legality aspect scares a lot of people off, as well as just general misinformation regarding what things like weed do the users mental state, and supposed terrible consequences. If he could rationalise and understand the factual evidence a little more, his ability to suspend his judgement would ultimately be of great help to you, which is the most important aspect of this question of course.
I'm not saying that this is all his fault, but that you are clearly having problems and that he should do what he can to help you with them.
posted by tumples at 8:08 AM on February 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Following up from this idea, but far less important compared to above, is him working on his uptight attitude regarding intoxication. The legality aspect scares a lot of people off, as well as just general misinformation regarding what things like weed do the users mental state, and supposed terrible consequences. If he could rationalise and understand the factual evidence a little more, his ability to suspend his judgement would ultimately be of great help to you, which is the most important aspect of this question of course.
I'm not saying that this is all his fault, but that you are clearly having problems and that he should do what he can to help you with them.
posted by tumples at 8:08 AM on February 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also, a great way to relax is to have a few (not too many!) drinks. A few glasses of wine (depending on your personal tolerance) will relax you quite effectively.
posted by oddman at 11:41 AM on January 31, 2011