Poor relation
January 20, 2011 9:19 AM   Subscribe

How to deal with family members who keep asking for things, when they didn't help me when I needed it badly? (Long emotional details...)

I have a weird relationship with my family, so I'll just put all this out there and see if any Mefites have some advice.

I'm not close with my parents -- they were abusive when I was a kid, didn't help me with anything through my young adulthood, and I'm not in contact with them now.

One of my uncles was there for me some of the time... He helped me with some minor expenses, but wouldn't let me stay with him when I needed a place, promised me some things and then didn't deliver, etc. He's extremely wealthy and very generous, but it seems that other people always got more than I did. He gave some friend of his son's over $20,000 to fund his writing and let him stay in his house for a year. He wouldn't let me stay there, however. He gave his office manager a huge bonus (like her whole annual salary, $50k) but wouldn't help me pay for therapy when I was suicidal and needed help.

My therapist suggested that I ask him what this is about -- so I did, once. He got so angry with me that he threw me out of his house where I was visiting for a few days. Please believe me when I say that I was trying to be really nice, brought it up gently, etc. I just wanted to know why he wasn't there for me at that time. He got extremely upset -- and it seems to have calmed down (this was a couple of years ago), but it really hurt me. It didn't help that this was a few days before I took the LSAT and he didn't seem to care that it was a bit upsetting to me to be thrown out and have to get on the next plane home.

His kids are around my age. They have always treated me in kind of a weird way -- they included me in a lot of things, but also excluded me. A couple of the kids are writers and they would ask me for help with projects (I'm a fairly good writer myself), and not give me any credit on them. The two kids, of course, both got credit on the projects. That said, we have a lot of interests in common and have really fun discussions.

His kids are are always asking me for things -- for advice on resumes, help with travel plans, ideas for stories. They only contact me when they need something. My uncle only contacts me when his kids need something, so when his kid has sent me an email asking for resume help, a few days later I'll get an email from him saying "How are you? I love you" etc.

This is the current situation that prompts this question. One of his kids sent me a message asking for help with a career decision. I didn't respond for a couple of days. As usual, I got the "I love you" email from my uncle a few days later. It's been about a week since and I'm not sure what to do.

It always makes me feel bad. These kids have had so many advantages in life. They grew up wealthy and free from want. Their parents love them and would do anything for them. I didn't have either of these things. My parents are not wealthy, but also did not share what they had with me. I had to do everything for myself, from buying my first car to paying for college. They also were not there for me emotionally.

I'm not sure what I want here. Part of me doesn't want to have a relationship with them at all, since they keep asking me for stuff and it's pretty one-sided. I think I'd be much happier if I didn't deal at all with any family members, and I can go for long stretches (a few months) without talking with them. At the same time, I don't want to burn a bridge with them.

Short-term question: How do I respond to the kid's message? To the uncle?

Long-term question: How do I deal with them (individually, together) in general? With my feelings about them?

(Anonymous because they know that I post here.)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Sounds like you don't have much to lose by directly and clearly asking them what's going on. If you make them angry again by digging a little into this, that'll make saying goodbye to them that bit easier for you. Why not cut and paste your question and send them that in an email? Again - what do you have to lose?
posted by MighstAllCruckingFighty at 9:29 AM on January 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'm sorry for your unsupportive situation. It sounds like you've been through a lot.

Can you separate the "kids" from their father? I would be horrified if people thought ill of me because of how my mother acts. Can you make friends out of your cousins? Or have they learned too much bad behavior from their father? Can you forgive them for being raised to act they way they do? It's no surprise that they've internalized the lessons from their father, and it sounds like he still knows a lot about their day to day lives. Maybe his involvment in your relationship with them is too much for you. If so, don't feel bad about distancing yourself and being "busy."

I don't know how old you all are, but maybe someday you and your cousins can have a nice relationship that doesn't involve your uncle's machinations. Has any of your cousins ever been a friend to you?

You really, really don't have to keep giving if you are not up for it. But do ask for reciprocation. People can't read your mind.

Best wishes, I really mean that.
posted by Knowyournuts at 9:32 AM on January 20, 2011 [3 favorites]


It sounds like you're having trouble separating the kids from the parents. See especially your very first sentence. You should (separate that).

That your uncle gave other people whatever does not entitle you to jack. It doesn't sound fair, no, but it's not the way gifts work. Or other things. Letting somebody else stay in his house doesn't have any bearing on how welcome you should be. This is a bad way to frame that sort of thing in any relationship.

There's a lot of bitterness about how you were raised, and who could blame you? But: you are only going to drag yourself down if you let that sit there and turn into resentment at people who have received more advantages than you.

I think you got bad advice from your therapist; I can see why "You gave your office manager a bonus so why didn't you pay for my therapy" would provoke an angry reaction, no matter how nicely phrased.

As for helping your cousins -- a totally separate question from the rest of the issues presented -- if these are serious drains on your time and energy, start kindly saying no. "I am totally wrapped up in a paper that's due next week, I am so sorry. However, I have a friend who is now doing freelance editing and I don't think he charges very much; let me know if you're interested in his e-mail, etc."

How do you deal with your uncle? With gratitude for what he did give you instead of the expectation that there should be more. Even if the guy is actually a jerk, dealing with him on that level will only benefit you.
posted by kmennie at 9:42 AM on January 20, 2011 [14 favorites]


One more thing - your cousins seem "spoiled" in how they grew up, in comparison to your situation. You can resent your parents for this, and you can even resent your uncle for this, but it's really not the fault of the kids that they grew up with wealth, support, and love. If you dislike them, dislike them for how they act toward you, not because they had advantages you didn't. I've seen this feeling fester and poison in my own family. It's ugly for the person in your situation, while it rolls right off the back of everyone else.

Take care of yourself and give yourself what you need! This includes asking other people in your life for love and friendship. But you are a grown up and no one is going to come along and pay you back for college or even acknowledge that you had to struggle to get where you are. No one knocks on your door and rewards you for being a good person or self-reliant. Those qualities are their own rewards.
posted by Knowyournuts at 9:42 AM on January 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


I am not sure why you are comparing yourself to what other people "got". You need to evaluate YOUR relationship with your family on its own merits. I am also a little surprised that you would bring this up with your uncle a few days before your LSATs, but that is water under the bridge. I mention all of this because it seems that you measure a relationship by keeping score of what you get, what they ask for and what others get who may or may not be similarly situated. If that is the way you evaluate a relationship, kiss these folks goodbye. They value you for your advice, but do not seem willing to "pay for it". If you simply like spending time with your cousins and they respect you, I would answer their question on its own merits. I also think your relationship with your Uncle needs to stand on its own. You can not speak to him yet speak with your cousins. If it were me, I would not just let past be ignored. I would explain to him how and why you were hurt by his actions and see if you can find mutual ground going forward. I also think that whatever you decide with him, do not make it based on money. Especially if he gives you some. He sounds like he is manipulative with his money (his right) but it is also your right not to get sucked into that. Do not get bought off or you will always be in a working relationship with him.

As for dealing with your feelings about them, I would speak to a professional. But, I repeat that I think it is important to separate your cousins from your uncle.
posted by AugustWest at 9:45 AM on January 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


Just to follow on from Knowyournuts - definitely I'd try to separate the kids issue from the uncle one. With the kids you can try to maybe respond to their requests with some help and just some general "how are things going? What happened with the last story you wrote?" - maybe they'll start to talk to you without feeling like they need to ask for something?

Of course if they're just flat out taking advantage, you can always say you're busy, or you don't really have any suggestions for their resume/story/whatever at the moment? Again, maybe they have just learned that if they ask, you'll give them something? Can you break the pattern from your end? If you don't care that much how they take it, you don't have much to lose if they don't like it.

Don't really have any suggestions for the uncle. Ignore completely, or ask directly what's up seem the main choices.
posted by crocomancer at 9:46 AM on January 20, 2011


I'm reading a few things between the lines here, so please ignore if I'm way off base.

It seems to me it would be good to try to separate how you feel about your cousins from how you feel about your uncle.

To tackle the cousins first: they sound like average entitled-feeling kids who have grown up with money. They are used to asking for things, and they're used to receiving what they ask for. This is what they're doing with you - they need X (resume advice, whatever), they know you're good at providing X, so they ask you for it. And then they don't think of you again until the next time they need something. Not very nice behavior, but more thoughtless than evil. You may want to simiply call them out on this next time they ask for X and simply say something along the lines of 'hey, I only seem to hear from you when you want something. What's up with that?'

Your uncle is a different situation. Please don't be offended by this, but from your description above, you sound like you feel like he owes you something just because he has money and you don't. This isn't the case. To be blunt, it's his money and he's free to spend it on whatever he wants, including his son's friend, his business manager and his dog, if he wants to. Sure, it sucks that he's not spending it on you, particularly whenever your need is great - but that's the way it is. (Your parents are another story.)

To answer your question of what do you actually do about this, you decide what feels right for you. Don't blame your cousins for their father's decisions about how to spend his money - that's not their fault. However, do hold them accountable for basic civility and teach them that you're not OK with constantly being asked for favors when there's little other interaction going on. As for your uncle, see if you can take the money out of the equation and simply focus on how he treats you.

Good luck - I can tell it's a difficult situation.
posted by widdershins at 9:53 AM on January 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


I grew up basically poor with few advantages. I had some cousins who were in a very different situation. I still talk to those cousins sometimes, but I've had to kind of accept in life that I cannot make up the poor relationship I have with my parents by just expecting that my slightly more distant relatives are going to fill in the slack. We just aren't ever going to be that close. They exist. Sometimes I get Christmas cards. That's as far as it goes.

The up side is that it means you don't owe these people anything. If they don't feel close enough to you to help you when you need it, then they're really just taking advantage of your generosity. But they really don't owe you that help any more than someone who had no blood relationship to you would owe you that. If it makes you feel bad to be around them, find friends who don't make you feel bad and be around them instead. You don't owe them career advice or resume help or anything else, and I don't think it's inappropriate at all to just write back that you don't have any advice to give them and ignore them after that. It's probably what I'd do, anyway. (As much as I clearly like giving advice to random strangers in exchange for nothing, I limit it to random strangers who don't make me feel lousy about myself.)
posted by gracedissolved at 9:55 AM on January 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


...and on lack of preview I see that Knowyournuts and kmennie already covered this ground - sorry...
posted by widdershins at 9:56 AM on January 20, 2011


A friend once commented that some folks encounter people and think, "This person seems interesting; maybe I'll make a new friend or acquaintance," and other folks encounter people and think, "What can this person do for me?"

I agree with my friend, have met plenty of people, members of the family and otherwise, who would do well as car salesman.

Understood that you're not keeping a spreadsheet of favors granted and favors received, but, yeah, fair play that people get irked when those things get extremely one-sided.

Any chance you can have in-person conversations with the kids and relate (not in quite so many words) that you feel more like a resource than a close, valued member of the family?
posted by ambient2 at 9:59 AM on January 20, 2011


You say you don't want to burn a bridge with your relations, but to be honest, it sounds like taking a "break" from interacting them would be beneficial to you right now. Your whole post frames yourself in comparison/opposition to your family, with you on the losing side all the time. While it may be true, it can also become a narrative you tell yourself, and repeated interactions with your family do nothing but cement that narrative in your head.

Honestly, I think you need to re-frame the narrative, or come up with another one where you aren't the loser all the time. This will take time, creative effort and psychological awareness from you to achieve. At least in the early stages, I would avoid interacting with your family, if for no other reason than you can't afford to have the old narrative intruding on the new one so early in its development.

Good luck!
posted by LN at 10:02 AM on January 20, 2011 [13 favorites]


I hear you, and I'm sorry for what you've gone through. It sucks when you see people who are in the right place and the right time to offer assistance but just didn't do it, for whatever reason. Conversely, my dad has a tendency to ask me for help promoting some half-formed event or other, and even though I know that he respects me as a writer/PR person, I feel like he's taking advantage of me.

However, as I read through what you're discussing here, I wonder if you're giving your cousins the short end of the stick. If someone asked me for career advice, writing help, etc. I'd probably be flattered. The other nice thing is that from what I can see, they're asking you for these things with the knowledge that this is what you're able to give them -- not something monetary, not something requiring you to come visit them or take a specific block out of your own time.

On the flip side, I've found myself in your cousins' position quite a bit. I have asked people for their advice, or I call them because I have a question about robot flyswatters and they're the people I know who know the most about robot flyswatters. Yeah, I do feel a little guilty that that seems to be the only time I speak with them. But... that's what we have in common at this point in time. Or, at least, that's the part we have in common that I don't mind focusing on (as opposed to all of the times we were forced together in an uncomfortable situation that they enjoyed much more than I did, such as high school or family dinners).

(Relevant tangent, before going further: perhaps you're a bit of a Guesser, while they're Askers.)

Furthermore, when I ask for advice on something or other, I'm reaching out to that person. Like I mentioned above, I value their expertise. I chose to contact them instead of digging through a bunch of links on Google. So, sure, this is a shortcut, but I value what they bring to my life.

So... if I value them, why do they never reach out to me? I try to be a good resource, but it makes me a little sad when the people whose opinions I value don't seem to value mine, either by asking me for advice or paying attention to what I think. Maybe it IS just because they're grumpy that I only get in touch because I seem to need, need, need... but we wouldn't have any contact otherwise. Maybe they want a more personal, "tell me about the movie you saw last week" kind of relationship but don't know how to get that going, or even why they should bother.

I wish they would bother.

If you're willing to put aside a little of that hurt, try reaching out to your cousins. (Your uncle is a different story, but we don't choose our parents.) For all you know, they want to mend those fences, or they might even be hurting themselves. Be pals with them on Facebook; post old pictures; ask them about things in their lives even if it seems trivial. I'll bet they'll open up and be very willing to contribute more to your life than just a validation of your status as career factotum.

It might seem weird and hard, but nothing worth doing comes that easily. I think you've got a good chance of success.
posted by Madamina at 10:05 AM on January 20, 2011 [5 favorites]


I grew up feeling similar feelings but it was toward my half brother as well as my parents. I felt like an unwanted and unloved step child. It caused a lot of anger and problems in my personal and family life. Ultimately though, I realized how much better off I am. Today I am able to stand on my own two feet and face life's obstacles, and I am so much stronger for the trials I had as a child. Ultimately facing my childhood and recognizing the positive and not just the negative helped me forgive and move on. It took time and therapy but today I have a good relationship with everyone in my family although I am closer with some than others.
posted by heatherly at 10:11 AM on January 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


Is it possible that the uncles/cousins are making a distinction between financial needs and other intangible/non-monetary needs? Like maybe they think that helping on papers and resumes is just neighborly or family-ish - it's just what we do and how we help each other and support each other.

But your needs always seem to be financial - people often characterize that as money-grubbing, selfish, etc.

I'm not saying this is true or right, but maybe it's something to think about.
posted by CathyG at 10:15 AM on January 20, 2011


It's interesting that you perceive your cousins as trying to 'take' from you and have tried to 'exclude' you. The sooner you learn this lesson, the better off you will be: most people are more oblivious than they are unkind. I tell you this as a genuine oblivious idiot, and someone who has been hurt or felt taken advantage of by other oblivious people. Sometimes, yeah, people have deliberately tried to screw me over, because some people will choose to act like jerks. On the whole, however, the vast majority of the time people who I felt were trying to take advantage of me were totally oblivious to what they were doing, and all I had to do was speak up kindly.

The examples you cite could very well be 'taking advantage' of you. However, that's far from the only explanation.

Maybe they look up to you. Maybe they see what you've been able to accomplish and think 'my cousin would know what to do--look how much they've handled on their own, hell, look what they've done without my dad bankrolling and being up in my grill...I don't think I could do that. And my cousin always have good ideas.' Maybe they don't realize that you want specific credit for your contributions. You might very well be in a mentor/mentee role--a lot of mentees don't grasp that they should thank the people who give them guidance. It might seem common sense to you, but not everyone has been taught that, and sometimes you've got to say 'Hey, I feel like you take my help for granted, and that hurts.'

You don't have to acquiesce to all of their requests, but you certainly view them with contempt, and from what you've described here, that has a lot more to do with you than with them.
posted by Uniformitarianism Now! at 10:26 AM on January 20, 2011 [10 favorites]


I had a similar family situation, with aunts and uncles who were sometimes supportive -- verbally, at least -- and other times judgmental and completely unsupportive.

Their kids have nothing to do with it. Yes, my cousins grew up with a lot of advantages I didn't have, but I've been fortunate enough to get to know some of them as adults. They are very different from their parents.

I'm going to disagree with most of the answerers here: Sometimes, when you don't get what you need from your parents, it's easy to look to another family member for support. It's easy to expect support from that other family member. It's also easy to forget that aunts and uncles (a) don't necessarily know all the details of how badly you were treated, (b) have a different cultural/generational perspective on these things and may just expect you to "move on" and pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and (c) may be just as flawed as your parents were.

It's easy to look to extended family for support, but it isn't always easy to get that support. Sometimes it's impossible. Sometimes aunts and uncles just don't understand, don't care, or can't face the impossibility of a situation in which one of their kin is lost in the world. You won't know where your uncle is coming from until/unless he tells you directly. He may think therapy is bogus -- my family does. He may think you're malingering -- my family thinks that. And if he does think one of these awful things, and he tells you, then you'll know and be able to say, "Screw it. I don't need that in my life."

Yes, sometimes you have to cut ties. Not necessarily forever, but for a time. Six months, a year. My own family didn't improve with age, so it's been more than a year since I've spoken to any aunts or uncles, and it was more than a year before that. They're not necessarily bad people, just people who don't understand me, my situation, or my needs.

The one thing I'd encourage is for you to try to bring this up with your uncle in a safe space. Talk with your therapist about the best way to communicate your distress to your uncle without putting yourself in danger. In other words, don't bring it up if you're staying at his house, but do bring it up on the phone or via e-mail or at a diner over coffee. You don't have to wonder why your uncle is an asshole sometimes; you can ask him. And if he explodes again, well. Then you'll know he's someone you really can't count on at all, and you'll be able to cut him off guilt-free.
posted by brina at 10:36 AM on January 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


This seems pretty simple to me. Despite the history, the bottom line is that you get nothing but obligation out of this relationship. They only contact you when they want something from you. The uncle's contact coming on the heels of these requests is odd, but probably somehow connected to creating some narrative in his head that you're all a close family, and that makes it ok for his kids to impose on you.

You could of course tell them, look, you only contact me when you want something. I'm not interested in that kind of a relationship. Cue explosion. Or, when they email to ask for something, wait a week to answer. Then when you do, refer them to books or websites that they can use to do it themselves. This will make you less useful as a resource, and they will go to you less, which will give you those long stretches without contact that you said you're fine with without burning a bridge.

As far as responding to your uncle's "I love you" emails, well, respond to him politely and appropriately. I doubt he'll ever come out and ask why you're not helping his kids, but if he does, you can just say that you're trying to help them find the answers themselves rather than giving them to them; most parents won't argue with the validity of that. .
posted by lemniskate at 10:47 AM on January 20, 2011 [3 favorites]


OP - I seem to empathize with you a lot more than the other posters. I agree it's insulting that the uncle performs his little follow-up ritual when his kids want something from you. Wow. It seems like they think you aren't smart enough to put the whole picture together. It seems like they think you are so starved for family affection it's OK to use you.

I'm sure it reminds you of how your parents treated you, even if the mechanisms and situations are totally different. It's just really hard to separate it all out when you have that sort of family history. I know.

*I see no reason to separate the cousins from the uncle since they seem to be communicating about you and (at least somewhat) on the same page where relations with you are concerned.*


Erm..I have no idea how you should handle this current situation. It IS possible to reframe your relationship with them internally, and this might help you reshape the interactions you have with these people into something you find more palatable -- but you need time and distance to figure out how to change your internal attitudes.


I would probably suck it up this one last time, and then start working hard on myself so that future interactions will be less emotionally costly for me.


Overall, you probably need to put these folks in some sort of frenemy category or take a break entirely. I know from experience that giving in to shit like this and playing nice when you know you are being used feels like eating glass.


You have nothing to lose here by working on yourself after this current interaction is over.
posted by jbenben at 10:51 AM on January 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


When dealing with people who only have time for you when they need something the easiest thing to do is to just slow-play them. Don't be as accessible. Don't put as much work into it as you would for someone you're close to. Take longer to call them back.

Do people still use The Club on cars? It's a similar thing. You can still maintain family harmony by not completely ignoring folks. You're not completely preventing them from calling you and making demands on your time, you're just being a little less easy than the next person down their phone tree.

Personally I try to live my life by the maxim "give away freely that which costs you little." Holding doors, saying thank you, writing positive letters, assuming folks have good intentions - these things cost nothing and there's no reason not to share them prodigiously.

But I don't think there's anything wrong with being more discriminating about being more careful how you hand out one of your most precious and non-replaceable resources: your time. Happily, people know that time is limited and only the most narcissistic ones think you're obligated to drop everything to help them. "Oh hi cousin Jim. Yeah, I'd be willing to look over that resume for you but I'm on a deadline at work - how about I do it Sunday?"

If they're nutters you say "well, I'm sorry you feel that way but I just can't fit it in. Let me know if you change your mind." If that's enough to ruin your relationship with your uncle... it's not much of a relationship.

Personally I'd avoid saying "I only hear from you when you need something" unless you really want to hear more from them. You can accomplish getting less of the demands by being less useful and you don't get the pissing and whining or unwanted "prime the pump" phone calls if they're really cunning users.
posted by phearlez at 10:56 AM on January 20, 2011 [6 favorites]


Upon preview, Uniformitarianism Now! makes some damn fine points! I also like the young rope-rider's point about your uncle coloring you with the same brush as your parents... which mirrors the consensus view here that you've colored your cousins with the same brush as your uncle. (As stated, I don't share that view, but I can see why everyone brings it up.)

I still think you have nothing to lose by working on your yourself after this current interaction is concluded.

Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 11:02 AM on January 20, 2011


you should really think about why you feel entitled to your uncle's largesse. it is, after all, his money and he can do whatever he wants with it. you believing that he should spending it on helping you out isn't going to help your emotional situation, your interactions with him (and your cousins), or your emotional well-being. let go of the idea that you somehow deserve any of his money because again, it's his money to do with what he wishes.

would it be nicer of him if he helped you with that money? sure, of course. but it doesn't look like that is happening. but you want to cut ties with him because he won't. this to me sounds like you look at your relatives as a source of financial support and if they don't provide that then you aren't interested in a relationship with them. i don't think this is a good reason to cut ties with someone. because again, your uncle doesn't owe you financial support.

as for your cousins, i agree with what the others have said about them just sounding like people who grew up privileged and used to asking for things. and the things they are asking for don't sound unreasonable to me. i mean, advice on writing their resumes? advice on travel plans? career advice? how does that put you out? those are things my friends and family would ask of me and i would gladly help without any feelings of resentment. as for this statement: They have always treated me in kind of a weird way -- they included me in a lot of things, but also excluded me. i'm not sure what you expect. do you expect to get invited to everything that they do? because that is unreasonable. just as with friends and other family, you get invited to some things and not invited to others, just as you invite some people to some things and not to others. again, the problem here is that you are resent them because their father is wealthy and he won't help you financially. and again, you need to stop feeling entitled to his money.

it's not that i am unsympathetic to your situation. i went through a really bad financial patch a couple of years ago due to illness and was broke. both my brother and my cousin were in a position to help me financially. i asked but they declined. i don't resent them for it. it's their money and they get to decide what to do with it. if the position was reversed, i would expect the same kind of consideration for why i might turn down helping a relative financially, without having to worry that relative is going to cut all ties with me.

i don't think your therapist was right in telling you to ask your uncle why he would pay his employee a bonus but not help you. that isn't helpful. instead, perhaps you and your therapist need to work on why you feel entitled to other people's money and why not getting it would make you feel resentful enough to keep score, to not want to help relatives yourself, and wanting to cut ties.
posted by violetk at 11:04 AM on January 20, 2011 [6 favorites]


His kids are are always asking me for things -- for advice on resumes, help with travel plans, ideas for stories.

One of his kids sent me a message asking for help with a career decision.


So, if I'm reading you correctly, they're asking for advice and information and the like, not money or material posessions. Why not provide them? What does it cost you, besides a bit of time? (And if they are asking for something that would involve a large amount of time, such as a major edit of their resume, you can simply say that you don't have time to take that on, but that's not the impression I get from your question.)

And I hope the irony that you are here anonymously asking advice from strangers on the internet does not escape you.

What is it you want from your cousins, exactly? Do you want them to provide advice to you as well, when you need it? Have you asked for it? I'm not saying you have to or even should, if you don't want or need their advice, but I'm pointing out that it might be a different story if they ignored you when you asked them for advice, but this doesn't seem to be the case. Do you just want to talk to them at times other than when they want something from you? That's not unreasonable, but maybe you could take the initiative there; you can call them with a "hey, just wanted to say hi and catch up" type message, too.

These kids have had so many advantages in life. They grew up wealthy and free from want. Their parents love them and would do anything for them. I didn't have either of these things. My parents are not wealthy, but also did not share what they had with me. I had to do everything for myself, from buying my first car to paying for college. They also were not there for me emotionally.

None of this is your cousins' fault. And just because they've had a pretty good life overall doesn't mean they have no problems at all. Some of those problems, they think you might be able to help them with. You can help them or not, as you choose, but if it takes no money and little time for you to do so, I don't see any good reason not to.

Look at AskMe: Some people come here with very serious health or relationship problems. Others come because they can't get Excel to do exactly what they want, or would like to find a nice restaurant in Toronto. We, as a community, don't resent the people with less important questions, or refuse to help them, just because they've had a pretty good life and there are other people with much more serious questions.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 11:04 AM on January 20, 2011 [6 favorites]


So - your uncle has made a free gift to you of "some minor expenses", but you're angry because he hasn't given you more? Tough. He doesn't owe you anything. Being rich and being generous with other people doesn't obligate him to give you anything. If you're resentful and jealous of what he's done for other people, it shows a profound lack of gratitude. If your uncle sees that, it might even be a factor in his decisions not to give you more material assistance.

As far as your cousins go, it sounds like they admire you and value your advice on a variety of subjects. I take it you are older than they are, since they seem to look to you as a mentor? Asking a trusted older relative for advice is generally seen as a mark of love and respect, not necessarily taking advantage.

It sounds like you are resentful of your cousins because they were raised with their emotional and material needs being met. It sucks that you didn't have that good childhood, but it's hardly your cousin's fault.

You say that your relationship with your cousins is "one-sided", but it's not clear what you might want from them to make it more balanced. It sounds like what you've given them is mostly advice. Have you asked them for advice on anything in return? Would you even want their advice? Are you wanting your uncle to give you more money in return for helping his kids? You mention writing projects where you didn't get credit. Are you wanting co-writer credit? Were the projects in a context ( i.e. not school) where co-writer credit would have been appropriate? Did you indicate to them that you would expect or appreciate co-writer credit?

In my opinion, you are free to blow off requests from your cousins guilt-free if meeting those requests would place a burden on your time and resources that you don't feel you have to spare for them at the moment. (A request for career advice doesn't sound that burdensome to me, but it's your call.) What I would not advise is throwing away your relationship with them because of your own jealousy that they had a better childhood than you did.
posted by tdismukes at 11:18 AM on January 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


It sounds like you are very angry at your uncle because you feel he could have "saved you" but didn't. You had an incredibly difficult and unfair childhood, but that really wasn't your uncle's fault. I think he was perhaps one of the few positive people in your life and when he failed to step up to the role of surrogate parent, you were extremely hurt. You desperately needed someone to help you and he failed to do so, but unfortunately just because we may really need something doesn't mean that anyone with the ability to help us is obligated to help us.

Different people have very different expectations regarding money and what role extended family should play in each others lives. I think it would have been nice if your uncle had helped you more, but I really don't think he was under any obligation to do so.

I think you need to reframe your expectations of your relationship with your uncle. He's family. You care about him. At times he's been there for you, but he is not someone you can rely upon in any way, shape or form. He's a decent person, but he's not perfect. He's not a parent. He's not your benefactor. He's just a relative.

I really don't feel your cousins are asking all that much from you. Asking someone to proofread a resume, is not the same as asking for money or a place to live. Career advice is the type of favor you do for even pretty distant relatives who you have virtually no relationship with. If a third cousin who I've never even spoken to emailed me saying that relative x gave them my email and would I mind giving them some advice, I'd do it without question.

It's really ok to be hurt and sad about your childhood, but I think that burning this bridge with your uncle would be a mistake. Just because he didn't give you the relationship with him that you wanted, doesn't mean you can't still have a positive one with him.
posted by whoaali at 11:52 AM on January 20, 2011 [8 favorites]


Others have spoken to the wierd expectations and family dynamic involving your uncle and how your cousins are a separate issue.

All I have to add is that if you don't want certain people to ask for your advice all the time, give them shitty advice. Don't intentioanlly mislead them, but if they ask for resume help, just offer something simple and canned that they probably already heard before (make sure it's free of punctuation errors!). They'll eventually stop asking and find other avenues to get this type of superficial help.
posted by WeekendJen at 12:29 PM on January 20, 2011


I disagree with most people in this thread. Maybe I just identify with you because I had a similar home life to you and, when I was a kid, had certain wealthier relatives act snobbishly to me; had certain wealthier "friends" and their parents act snobbishly and not do simple things that would have really helped me for no other reason than that they didn't feel like it (e.g. not giving me a old coat they were getting rid of because it was easier to just throw it out). And then when I went law school some of these people tried to act like my BFF.

Recently I read about a study in which the wealthier subjects had less of an ability to recognize the emotions of people around them than poorer subjects did. The idea is that poorer people are more interdependent with those around them than wealthier people are, so wealthier people can afford not to notice as much how others feel.

The author of the study also said something I've noticed all my life - that poorer people also display increased helping behavior and increased charity towards others. I've always thought that this is because when you've always had all your wants and needs met, and you've always received all the help you need whenever you've asked for it, ironically, you don't realize how crucial those things are, you have no idea how other people suffer when they don't have those things. Just like we don't really notice the air we're breathing unless the air supply decreases.

Also, when you have less money growing up, you're raised to share with your family members, and help with the family tasks. You're raised to see sharing and helping as a virtue, and people who don't share or help as selfish. When you encounter people who didn't grow up needing to help or share, so don't really think to help or share as adults, it is natural that you would see them as selfish.

I think when you are struggling, it SUCKS to be around a bunch of spoiled, thoughtless, insensitive, and self-centered wealthy people (not *all* wealthy people, just the ones who are like that). It's the biggest recipe ever for a psychological disaster of rage, resentment, and jealousy. Apparently, the greater the degree of economic stratification (richer rich people, poorer poor people) in a country, the greater the likelihood that the country will experience more crime and social unrest. That makes total sense to me.

So that's where I'm coming from when I say - I think your uncle should have helped you as much as he could and is a jerk for not doing so. I don't see why you should separate your cousins' behavior from your uncles - they all use you, try to manipulate you, and act thoughtlessly towards you. Your cousins sound spoiled to me. I think your time would be much better spent disengaging from all of them, and I think it will feel really good, as you said you thought it would.


At the same time, I don't want to burn a bridge with them.

Short-term question: How do I respond to the kid's message? To the uncle?

Long-term question: How do I deal with them (individually, together) in general? With my feelings about them?


To the kid's message - you can do what many people do to subtly avoid getting out of tasks - pretend that you have no idea have to do the task. You could tell the kid, hey, I wish I could tell you something useful, but unfortunately that's way out of my domain, and I don't want to steer you in the wrong direction. To your uncle, just reply however you'd reply normally, and then forget about it. He can send you all the lovey emails he wants.

Longer term, just be completely pleasant and polite, but evasive and always too busy to really talk much.
posted by Ashley801 at 12:07 AM on January 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


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