How do I tell my parents that I'm a terrible person?
January 19, 2011 9:38 AM Subscribe
I misappropriated some funds given to me to hold on to by my parents. The money's gone, but now they're asking for it. How do I tell them what happened?
About a year ago my parents had me set up a tax-free savings account. (in canada, they just changed the law so you can have $5000 a year in an account and recieve interest but no tax). they transferred $10,000 to me to be deposited in this account for 2009/2010. I've had a hard year financially, and dipped into this money, always of course intending to pay it back. They are now asking for the return of the money -- have been for a couple months actually, but I've been stalling as I'd need to go to the bank in person to take care of that. But they're getting more insistent, and I'm just wracked with guilt about what I've done. There was no other way around my using some of that money, as I am in debt (student loans, not much credit card debt). I lost my job in September and had to use basically the remainder of the money to stay afloat, pay rent and such. I'm now in a position where I could pay that back probably by May.
I feel just terrible about this. I've become withdrawn, depressed, plagued by guilt about the essential theft of this money, but I'm also conflicted. They are very well-off financially and the loan of the money was meant to bypass a law exempting the money from tax. I would have recieved the interest (and it should now be used to invest, they'd give me anything they made on it). The loan of that amount to me then was infinitely more valuable to be than the 10-20% earnings would be to me now, and because they are so financially stable and I am so (well, have been) hurting, I sort of felt not so awful about it at times. (not that I've ever been OK with stealing that much, or that I justify in it any way -- I just haven't felt bad about borrowing it with the intent to return it before they noticed, hopefully). They haven't missed the $10 grand so far, its purpose is to make money for me in the future (at a time when I will need it less, if this job works out). I resent them for putting me in this situation, dangling a high sum in front of me when I am so hard up. Again -- totally not meaning to justify this at all. They haven't really known how bad my finances have been this past year, and though my mother often offers to lend me money if ever I need it, whenever I have asked her she has been very angry and evasive and made me feel very guilty about putting them out. She will ask about my finances when I'm doing OK and offer help, then when i am hard up and ask about her offer, she'll guilt trip me and shame me for needing it. thus, no, asking them for help was not really an option as it made me feel even worse than I do now.
Anyway, right now I feel totally fucked. I have a great relationship with my parents and am very close with them, though at times I'm cagey and withdrawn talking to them now. I feel awful for hiding this, and it's affecting our relationship. On the other hand, yeah telling them is going to make them hate me and never trust me again. I'm just starting to get my life together, getting a good job and a new vocation and generally feeling that my life is falling into place, and this massive lie/debt just fills me with shame. If my friends knew I did this, or my boyfriend knew, I just feel like I'd be shunned and shamed for what a crappy person I am. I could have worked harder in the first place so I didn't need to borrow the money. I feel guilty for the circumstances I was in in the first place. I feel like a failure, like a crappy person. What do I do?
About a year ago my parents had me set up a tax-free savings account. (in canada, they just changed the law so you can have $5000 a year in an account and recieve interest but no tax). they transferred $10,000 to me to be deposited in this account for 2009/2010. I've had a hard year financially, and dipped into this money, always of course intending to pay it back. They are now asking for the return of the money -- have been for a couple months actually, but I've been stalling as I'd need to go to the bank in person to take care of that. But they're getting more insistent, and I'm just wracked with guilt about what I've done. There was no other way around my using some of that money, as I am in debt (student loans, not much credit card debt). I lost my job in September and had to use basically the remainder of the money to stay afloat, pay rent and such. I'm now in a position where I could pay that back probably by May.
I feel just terrible about this. I've become withdrawn, depressed, plagued by guilt about the essential theft of this money, but I'm also conflicted. They are very well-off financially and the loan of the money was meant to bypass a law exempting the money from tax. I would have recieved the interest (and it should now be used to invest, they'd give me anything they made on it). The loan of that amount to me then was infinitely more valuable to be than the 10-20% earnings would be to me now, and because they are so financially stable and I am so (well, have been) hurting, I sort of felt not so awful about it at times. (not that I've ever been OK with stealing that much, or that I justify in it any way -- I just haven't felt bad about borrowing it with the intent to return it before they noticed, hopefully). They haven't missed the $10 grand so far, its purpose is to make money for me in the future (at a time when I will need it less, if this job works out). I resent them for putting me in this situation, dangling a high sum in front of me when I am so hard up. Again -- totally not meaning to justify this at all. They haven't really known how bad my finances have been this past year, and though my mother often offers to lend me money if ever I need it, whenever I have asked her she has been very angry and evasive and made me feel very guilty about putting them out. She will ask about my finances when I'm doing OK and offer help, then when i am hard up and ask about her offer, she'll guilt trip me and shame me for needing it. thus, no, asking them for help was not really an option as it made me feel even worse than I do now.
Anyway, right now I feel totally fucked. I have a great relationship with my parents and am very close with them, though at times I'm cagey and withdrawn talking to them now. I feel awful for hiding this, and it's affecting our relationship. On the other hand, yeah telling them is going to make them hate me and never trust me again. I'm just starting to get my life together, getting a good job and a new vocation and generally feeling that my life is falling into place, and this massive lie/debt just fills me with shame. If my friends knew I did this, or my boyfriend knew, I just feel like I'd be shunned and shamed for what a crappy person I am. I could have worked harder in the first place so I didn't need to borrow the money. I feel guilty for the circumstances I was in in the first place. I feel like a failure, like a crappy person. What do I do?
Given your caginess and financial situation over the last year, I'm sure they probably already know, or suspect, that the money's gone. Just come clean, promise to pay it back by May, and then actually do that. You'll feel better after coming clean.
If you really do have a good relationship with your parents, this will certainly be a disappointment, but they won't hate you and never trust you again.
posted by downing street memo at 9:43 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you really do have a good relationship with your parents, this will certainly be a disappointment, but they won't hate you and never trust you again.
posted by downing street memo at 9:43 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Tell them you spent it and at the same time tell them your plan to pay it back. Kinda scummy favor for them to ask you in the first place.
Either way, just own up and offer to fix it. They'll be pissed, but there's no way you are going to feel worse than you do know, you are torturing the shit out of yourself.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 9:44 AM on January 19, 2011
Either way, just own up and offer to fix it. They'll be pissed, but there's no way you are going to feel worse than you do know, you are torturing the shit out of yourself.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 9:44 AM on January 19, 2011
I think that you should tell them as soon as possible, and at the same time present them with a plan to repay the money. Assuming that you're able to keep on track with your repayments, this should help to restore your parent's faith and trust in you.
posted by jjonajason at 9:48 AM on January 19, 2011
posted by jjonajason at 9:48 AM on January 19, 2011
You don't have any options; you have to tell them.
I mean, you could stall for another few more months, but eventually you have to tell them (or learn Spanish, and move to Mexico. I don't recommend this).
They might be mad at you. They might be furious at you. They might be disappointed in you (that might be the worst thing, actually), but one thing is true - you will no longer be beating yourself up over it. It will cease to be something hanging over your head and start to be something in your past that you can manage.
You should pay the money back. It sounds like you are going to be able to. You spent the money on rent and not on hookers and blow. I'm not going to say that you are the most responsible person in the world, but I've heard a lot worse.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:48 AM on January 19, 2011
I mean, you could stall for another few more months, but eventually you have to tell them (or learn Spanish, and move to Mexico. I don't recommend this).
They might be mad at you. They might be furious at you. They might be disappointed in you (that might be the worst thing, actually), but one thing is true - you will no longer be beating yourself up over it. It will cease to be something hanging over your head and start to be something in your past that you can manage.
You should pay the money back. It sounds like you are going to be able to. You spent the money on rent and not on hookers and blow. I'm not going to say that you are the most responsible person in the world, but I've heard a lot worse.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:48 AM on January 19, 2011
Get together as much money as you can right now. Skip rent or something; you won't get evicted for being late one month.
When you tell them; have a sizable chunk to give them right there and then. Give them a payment plan.
posted by spaltavian at 9:48 AM on January 19, 2011
When you tell them; have a sizable chunk to give them right there and then. Give them a payment plan.
posted by spaltavian at 9:48 AM on January 19, 2011
I feel awful for hiding this, and it's affecting our relationship. On the other hand, yeah telling them is going to make them hate me and never trust me again.
This feels like one of those man up (or woman up) situations. You blew it. Now you must step up and admit it ... with the possibility that they will hate you and never trust you again, which is highly unlikely. The hate part, that is. As for the trust part, well, it seems you don't deserve that for now, so don't go bemoaning the loss of it. Rather, accept that you now have some serious work to do toward regaining that trust.
Good luck.
posted by philip-random at 9:49 AM on January 19, 2011
This feels like one of those man up (or woman up) situations. You blew it. Now you must step up and admit it ... with the possibility that they will hate you and never trust you again, which is highly unlikely. The hate part, that is. As for the trust part, well, it seems you don't deserve that for now, so don't go bemoaning the loss of it. Rather, accept that you now have some serious work to do toward regaining that trust.
Good luck.
posted by philip-random at 9:49 AM on January 19, 2011
You absolutely have to come clean about what you did. Admit you took the money -- which they probably already have guessed. Admit you don't have it. Suggest how you're going to pay it back.
Immediately stop trying to justify how it's okay that you took the money. That's just unacceptable thinking.
Your parents can forgive your taking the money, but it's going to be much harder to forgive lying and hiding, and it's going to be really hard to forgive your self-justifications for why it's okay you took their money that they trusted you with.
In most cases of malfeasance, a quick, honest admission is the best way to go in the long run, even if you can't stand the thought of the short run.
posted by musofire at 9:50 AM on January 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
Immediately stop trying to justify how it's okay that you took the money. That's just unacceptable thinking.
Your parents can forgive your taking the money, but it's going to be much harder to forgive lying and hiding, and it's going to be really hard to forgive your self-justifications for why it's okay you took their money that they trusted you with.
In most cases of malfeasance, a quick, honest admission is the best way to go in the long run, even if you can't stand the thought of the short run.
posted by musofire at 9:50 AM on January 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
This seems like one of those things that is a much bigger deal in your head than it will turn out to be in real life. You're close to your parents. They love you. You had to dip into cash they don't even need because you didn't have a job. Unless they're insane, they aren't going to hate you. It's going to be fine. Just tell them and get it over with.
posted by something something at 9:50 AM on January 19, 2011 [12 favorites]
posted by something something at 9:50 AM on January 19, 2011 [12 favorites]
There was no other way around my using some of that money
That doesn't mean you should steal it.
You need to man up and tell your parents what you've done. Give them back whatever money remains, and promise to repay the remainder by May. Then do it.
posted by amro at 9:51 AM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
That doesn't mean you should steal it.
You need to man up and tell your parents what you've done. Give them back whatever money remains, and promise to repay the remainder by May. Then do it.
posted by amro at 9:51 AM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also, lest you think I don't sound empathetic, I did the same thing to my parents in my early 20s (they made a check out to me for thousands of dollars for my college tuition, and I spent it). It took me a while, but I later admitted this to them (and that I wasn't going to school at the time, yeah I was a real gem at that age) and it didn't go as badly as I had feared it would for so long.
posted by amro at 9:53 AM on January 19, 2011
posted by amro at 9:53 AM on January 19, 2011
Consider telling them in a depersonalized way - send a letter or something - that you can do right now and then be finished with. You're avoiding the confrontation, I think - by writing it down, sealing it in an envelope, and handing the envelope to the postman, you take the power of avoiding the problem out of your own hands.
Seriously. Piece of paper.
"Mom, Dad, I don't know how to tell you this, so here goes. I spent the money you gave me. I plan to pay it back in May. I'm very, very sorry.
Sincerely, annonymous."
Copy, paste into Word, put your name the right spot, seal it up, and mail it today. Right now if you can.
posted by SMPA at 9:55 AM on January 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
Seriously. Piece of paper.
"Mom, Dad, I don't know how to tell you this, so here goes. I spent the money you gave me. I plan to pay it back in May. I'm very, very sorry.
Sincerely, annonymous."
Copy, paste into Word, put your name the right spot, seal it up, and mail it today. Right now if you can.
posted by SMPA at 9:55 AM on January 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
Make a payment plan on paper, not just words. Be sure it is a plan you can come through on. You'll need to earn back their respect (and respect for yourself), and this is a good start.
posted by artdrectr at 9:58 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by artdrectr at 9:58 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
A revision to SMPA's letter-writing advice...
"Mom, Dad, I don't know how to tell you this, so here goes. I was in a worse financial situation than I wanted to tell you about, and (as you may have figured out by now) I spent the money you gave me to cover living expenses. I'm very, very sorry, and I am ready to make this right.
Here is the payment plan I have come up with to return the money to you:
(reasonable payment plan here)"
If you're that close, they are surely not going to hate you and never trust you again.
posted by dayintoday at 10:03 AM on January 19, 2011 [17 favorites]
"Mom, Dad, I don't know how to tell you this, so here goes. I was in a worse financial situation than I wanted to tell you about, and (as you may have figured out by now) I spent the money you gave me to cover living expenses. I'm very, very sorry, and I am ready to make this right.
Here is the payment plan I have come up with to return the money to you:
(reasonable payment plan here)"
If you're that close, they are surely not going to hate you and never trust you again.
posted by dayintoday at 10:03 AM on January 19, 2011 [17 favorites]
They already know and are waiting/hoping you come clean and admit it to them.
posted by fenriq at 10:04 AM on January 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by fenriq at 10:04 AM on January 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
Yes. I am reading a whole lot of reasons why it was THEIR fault you stole their money. About why it really should be OK that you did what you did.
Cut that out. You stole their money. Full stop. No amount of justifications can change that.
All you can do is come clean. They won't hate you; but yes, they might lose their trust for a while, and that is probably as it should be. You will need to work to earn it back.
Everyone messes up. Your family will forgive you if you work hard to make it right. You are not a bad person, just a person who made a very bad decision.
posted by Windigo at 10:12 AM on January 19, 2011 [11 favorites]
Cut that out. You stole their money. Full stop. No amount of justifications can change that.
All you can do is come clean. They won't hate you; but yes, they might lose their trust for a while, and that is probably as it should be. You will need to work to earn it back.
Everyone messes up. Your family will forgive you if you work hard to make it right. You are not a bad person, just a person who made a very bad decision.
posted by Windigo at 10:12 AM on January 19, 2011 [11 favorites]
Three options.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:16 AM on January 19, 2011
- Lie to cover a lie. These inevitably unravel, causing a multiplicative embarrassment effect.
- Do nothing and wait. Sounds like you've been doing this. Sounds like your ability to do this is coming to an end.
- Fess up.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:16 AM on January 19, 2011
I am sorry if this comes off harsh, but you need to just stop with all the excuses. They sound lame and immature. You said this:
I resent them for putting me in this situation, dangling a high sum in front of me when I am so hard up
And then you said this:
They haven't really known how bad my finances have been this past year
You said this:
my mother often offers to lend me money if ever I need it
And then you said this:
whenever I have asked her she has been very angry and evasive and made me feel very guilty about putting them out
Your parents love you very much, and you obviously know that. You wouldn’t describe your relationship as “great” if they didn’t. But I get the impression that you’ve been screwing up with some regularity over the past few years, which is probably why your mom gets angry when you ask for help. Is she tired of waiting for you to grow up and take responsibility for yourself? Tired of bailing you out? Because the crux of the issue is this:
I could have worked harder in the first place so I didn't need to borrow the money
Yes, you could have and you should have. The fact that your parents are well-off (from your perspective; you might not know what their true circumstances are) does not for a second justify what you did. You abused their trust. You must own up to that. And the first step is to stop the excuses. What you did wasn’t horrible. Your parents won’t hate you. But it WAS wrong, and first and foremost you have to be clear in your mind about that.
Tell them what you did. Open up the lines of communication. Come clean about your financial situation (past and present) because they won’t be able to understand your actions without some context. Have a plan to pay the money back and follow it. I’m sure it’ll be ok, but you have to be honest – both with yourself and your parents.
posted by yawper at 10:17 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I resent them for putting me in this situation, dangling a high sum in front of me when I am so hard up
And then you said this:
They haven't really known how bad my finances have been this past year
You said this:
my mother often offers to lend me money if ever I need it
And then you said this:
whenever I have asked her she has been very angry and evasive and made me feel very guilty about putting them out
Your parents love you very much, and you obviously know that. You wouldn’t describe your relationship as “great” if they didn’t. But I get the impression that you’ve been screwing up with some regularity over the past few years, which is probably why your mom gets angry when you ask for help. Is she tired of waiting for you to grow up and take responsibility for yourself? Tired of bailing you out? Because the crux of the issue is this:
I could have worked harder in the first place so I didn't need to borrow the money
Yes, you could have and you should have. The fact that your parents are well-off (from your perspective; you might not know what their true circumstances are) does not for a second justify what you did. You abused their trust. You must own up to that. And the first step is to stop the excuses. What you did wasn’t horrible. Your parents won’t hate you. But it WAS wrong, and first and foremost you have to be clear in your mind about that.
Tell them what you did. Open up the lines of communication. Come clean about your financial situation (past and present) because they won’t be able to understand your actions without some context. Have a plan to pay the money back and follow it. I’m sure it’ll be ok, but you have to be honest – both with yourself and your parents.
posted by yawper at 10:17 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I resent them for putting me in this situation, dangling a high sum in front of me when I am so hard up. Again -- totally not meaning to justify this at all.
I know you are qualifying these statements as not justifying your actions, but you do seem to be rationalizing this quite a bit. Obviously it was tempting to do the wrong thing in your situation (especially since your parents were not getting regular copies bank statements or otherwise aware of what was going on in the account) but at the end of the day you did the wrong thing and you'll have to own up to it one way or another. The fact that your parents were trying to dodge taxes or that they don't really help you when you need it is irrelevant.
On the other hand, yeah telling them is going to make them hate me and never trust me again.
You've already done what you've done and you're not realistically going to cover it up, so they are going to find out, it's just a matter of if you dig yourself into an even deeper hole by the time they find out. Really what you seem to be hoping for at this point is some way to avoid this coming out and the inevitable drama that would follow, but in my opinion at least there is no way for you to do that.
I could have worked harder in the first place so I didn't need to borrow the money. I feel guilty for the circumstances I was in in the first place. I feel like a failure, like a crappy person. What do I do?
You can't change the past but you can start doing the right thing right now. The first step in that would probably be to stop lying to your parents and come clean. The second step would probably be to pay them back as soon as possible. You seem to be very concerned about what people will think of you, but really you need to focus less on your image and more on what you need to do in your life to turn things around. If you live your life the way you think is right then it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks.
posted by burnmp3s at 10:19 AM on January 19, 2011
I know you are qualifying these statements as not justifying your actions, but you do seem to be rationalizing this quite a bit. Obviously it was tempting to do the wrong thing in your situation (especially since your parents were not getting regular copies bank statements or otherwise aware of what was going on in the account) but at the end of the day you did the wrong thing and you'll have to own up to it one way or another. The fact that your parents were trying to dodge taxes or that they don't really help you when you need it is irrelevant.
On the other hand, yeah telling them is going to make them hate me and never trust me again.
You've already done what you've done and you're not realistically going to cover it up, so they are going to find out, it's just a matter of if you dig yourself into an even deeper hole by the time they find out. Really what you seem to be hoping for at this point is some way to avoid this coming out and the inevitable drama that would follow, but in my opinion at least there is no way for you to do that.
I could have worked harder in the first place so I didn't need to borrow the money. I feel guilty for the circumstances I was in in the first place. I feel like a failure, like a crappy person. What do I do?
You can't change the past but you can start doing the right thing right now. The first step in that would probably be to stop lying to your parents and come clean. The second step would probably be to pay them back as soon as possible. You seem to be very concerned about what people will think of you, but really you need to focus less on your image and more on what you need to do in your life to turn things around. If you live your life the way you think is right then it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks.
posted by burnmp3s at 10:19 AM on January 19, 2011
You aren't a "bad" person. You didn't steal a dying baby's medicine or murder a bus full of old people. You made an understandable* mistake and now need to deal with it.
You can be the kind of person that took some money that wasn't yours but stood up, admitted what you did and worked to fix it, or you can be the person that that took some money that wasn't yours and refused to deal with the fallout.
* - my mother often offers to lend me money if ever I need it, whenever I have asked her she has been very angry and evasive and made me feel very guilty about putting them out.
See this? To me, that's weird behavior. So is "loaning" $10k to someone without a job and telling them not to spend a dime. Also note that 10k was given with the intent to commit tax fraud, which, you know, making you an accessory to a crime isn't ideal.
Clear this up, have nothing financially to do with them again and I bet you'll be a lot happier.
posted by anti social order at 10:36 AM on January 19, 2011 [11 favorites]
You can be the kind of person that took some money that wasn't yours but stood up, admitted what you did and worked to fix it, or you can be the person that that took some money that wasn't yours and refused to deal with the fallout.
* - my mother often offers to lend me money if ever I need it, whenever I have asked her she has been very angry and evasive and made me feel very guilty about putting them out.
See this? To me, that's weird behavior. So is "loaning" $10k to someone without a job and telling them not to spend a dime. Also note that 10k was given with the intent to commit tax fraud, which, you know, making you an accessory to a crime isn't ideal.
Clear this up, have nothing financially to do with them again and I bet you'll be a lot happier.
posted by anti social order at 10:36 AM on January 19, 2011 [11 favorites]
They are very well-off financially and the loan of the money was meant to bypass a law exempting the money from tax.
So they were using a "gift" of money to you fraudulently as a tax shelter? Sorry, but that's what they get, seriously.
Tell them about your situation. Then tell them that you don't want to be used this way, that it's creating an emotional strain on your relationship with them because of your own financial insecurity. Then extricate yourself from the financial aspect of your relationship with them.
I don't know loads about tax law, but I've known people in a similar situation in the US. Know that legally, the money they gave you can probably only be construed as a gift and that legally, you probably aren't obligated to pay them back. If you want to be magnanimous and are able to do so, I guess go ahead, but you're not a child and situations like this are only going to end up poisoning your relationship with them. And that's not your fault. It's theirs.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:46 AM on January 19, 2011 [7 favorites]
So they were using a "gift" of money to you fraudulently as a tax shelter? Sorry, but that's what they get, seriously.
Tell them about your situation. Then tell them that you don't want to be used this way, that it's creating an emotional strain on your relationship with them because of your own financial insecurity. Then extricate yourself from the financial aspect of your relationship with them.
I don't know loads about tax law, but I've known people in a similar situation in the US. Know that legally, the money they gave you can probably only be construed as a gift and that legally, you probably aren't obligated to pay them back. If you want to be magnanimous and are able to do so, I guess go ahead, but you're not a child and situations like this are only going to end up poisoning your relationship with them. And that's not your fault. It's theirs.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:46 AM on January 19, 2011 [7 favorites]
so they were using a "gift" of money to you fraudulently as a tax shelter? Sorry, but that's what they get, seriously.
No. Sorry, it doesn't work like that. Two wrongs don't make a right. What the parents did was wrong. That doesn't make stealing their money less wrong. It is not the OP's job/right to mete out punishment (and certainly not in a 'oh, they deserve for me to take their money!' sort of way).
posted by Windigo at 10:54 AM on January 19, 2011 [6 favorites]
No. Sorry, it doesn't work like that. Two wrongs don't make a right. What the parents did was wrong. That doesn't make stealing their money less wrong. It is not the OP's job/right to mete out punishment (and certainly not in a 'oh, they deserve for me to take their money!' sort of way).
posted by Windigo at 10:54 AM on January 19, 2011 [6 favorites]
You say you're not trying to justify it, but that's exactly what you're doing. For yourself, at least. It is in the best interest of your own mental health and your relationship with your parents that you stop.
Here's the only relevant thing: you made an agreement with your parents and then you violated it. In doing so you broke their trust.
Did you have a reason? Sure. But the reality is that the moment you had a problem you could have
Consider it this way. If you'd taken the money and had managed to repay it before they noticed, would that have been okay?
You need to call them up and take responsibility for taking the money, full stop. If they want to know why you can explain it. If they press you can even tell them how you justified it to yourself. But do so with the full understanding that nothing would have change the fact that you broke your word.
And on the way, quit with this terrible person crap. You're a human being who made a bad choice when you were in a tough spot. It's a mistake. We all make them. If you accept responsibility for it and learn from it you'll be a better person for it. It'll suck and maybe you'll always feel some embarrassment over it. If you can make it through life without ever confronting that experience then you've never been tempted or you're the son of god.
posted by phearlez at 11:00 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Here's the only relevant thing: you made an agreement with your parents and then you violated it. In doing so you broke their trust.
Did you have a reason? Sure. But the reality is that the moment you had a problem you could have
- Called them and asked to borrow some of it.
- Called them and asked for them to give it to you.
- Call them and tell them that you're taking it, period, no argument.
Consider it this way. If you'd taken the money and had managed to repay it before they noticed, would that have been okay?
You need to call them up and take responsibility for taking the money, full stop. If they want to know why you can explain it. If they press you can even tell them how you justified it to yourself. But do so with the full understanding that nothing would have change the fact that you broke your word.
And on the way, quit with this terrible person crap. You're a human being who made a bad choice when you were in a tough spot. It's a mistake. We all make them. If you accept responsibility for it and learn from it you'll be a better person for it. It'll suck and maybe you'll always feel some embarrassment over it. If you can make it through life without ever confronting that experience then you've never been tempted or you're the son of god.
posted by phearlez at 11:00 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also...
If you want to be magnanimous and are able to do so, I guess go ahead, but you're not a child and situations like this are only going to end up poisoning your relationship with them. And that's not your fault. It's theirs.
Very bad advice, in my opinion, and thoughts like that are partly what got the OP in this position in the first place. If the OP chooses to treat the situation in the manner suggested, I don't think the outcome will be pleasant for the OP or her parents. Just because it might legally be ok for her to not pay them back does not mean it's the right thing to do. Not at all. These are her parents you are telling her to screw over - not that it should matter whose money it was! The OP is not a child, as you state. She is an adult.....and she agreed to take on the money. Knowing it was fraud.
posted by Windigo at 11:04 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you want to be magnanimous and are able to do so, I guess go ahead, but you're not a child and situations like this are only going to end up poisoning your relationship with them. And that's not your fault. It's theirs.
Very bad advice, in my opinion, and thoughts like that are partly what got the OP in this position in the first place. If the OP chooses to treat the situation in the manner suggested, I don't think the outcome will be pleasant for the OP or her parents. Just because it might legally be ok for her to not pay them back does not mean it's the right thing to do. Not at all. These are her parents you are telling her to screw over - not that it should matter whose money it was! The OP is not a child, as you state. She is an adult.....and she agreed to take on the money. Knowing it was fraud.
posted by Windigo at 11:04 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Tell them the truth. Be truly sorry and repent. Ask them what you can do to regain their trust. Accept that they will probably be furious with you and you will have lost a great deal of respect in their eyes. Accept this as part of your redemption.
What you did was crappy. But quite honestly, at your age in your situation, I would have probably done the same thing (and in fact did similar things). I would never do such a thing now. Personal responsibility, work on it.
I am not a religious person, but I do believe in personal responsibility, acceptance of failure and weakness, and the redemption.
posted by fifilaru at 11:06 AM on January 19, 2011
What you did was crappy. But quite honestly, at your age in your situation, I would have probably done the same thing (and in fact did similar things). I would never do such a thing now. Personal responsibility, work on it.
I am not a religious person, but I do believe in personal responsibility, acceptance of failure and weakness, and the redemption.
posted by fifilaru at 11:06 AM on January 19, 2011
That doesn't make stealing their money less wrong. It is not the OP's job/right to mete out punishment (and certainly not in a 'oh, they deserve for me to take their money!' sort of way).
No, I'm saying that when you use other people to break laws by giving away money to them, you're making a gamble that opens you up to losing that money. It's a risk, and in the US, there are laws against gifting money to children in interest-free tax shelters and giving it back that protects the child. I'm sure in Canada, the same is true. This is why everyone doesn't do this kind of thing.
It sounds like the OP has a very fraught relationship with his parents in regards to money. The best way to rebuild that relationship is to extricate himself from the financial aspects, as soon and as firmly as possible.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:06 AM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
No, I'm saying that when you use other people to break laws by giving away money to them, you're making a gamble that opens you up to losing that money. It's a risk, and in the US, there are laws against gifting money to children in interest-free tax shelters and giving it back that protects the child. I'm sure in Canada, the same is true. This is why everyone doesn't do this kind of thing.
It sounds like the OP has a very fraught relationship with his parents in regards to money. The best way to rebuild that relationship is to extricate himself from the financial aspects, as soon and as firmly as possible.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:06 AM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also, I want to add that I'm sympathetic to your situation, and don't see you as a bad person. Your parents have been very inconsistent with their offers of financial help. Their withdrawn offers of assistance have shown you that you have no one to count on when you're in vulnerable positions financially, and that must have hurt. They've minimized your fears, because they're in a position of power and security. They told you that you were a bad person, irresponsible, because you asked for their help--you're so ashamed that you can't even share your situation with your boyfriend. People who are insecure and vulnerable and get pissed on at the times when they genuinely need help by those who have made false gestures of generosity in the past often feel desperate, afraid, grubby. Why wouldn't you be? Your parents, who are financially comfortable, have shown you that you have only yourself to count on, that you have to stockpile available funds when you have it because you have no one to count on when life gets bad.
I'm not saying that what you did was right. I'm saying that what you did was understandable. It's terrible to be poor, and to have no one you can trust to turn to.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:20 AM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm not saying that what you did was right. I'm saying that what you did was understandable. It's terrible to be poor, and to have no one you can trust to turn to.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:20 AM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
What do I do?
You tell your parents. Whether in person, in writing, or on the phone, you tell them. And then you detail how it will be paid back by May, and then actually follow through with paying it back, even if it means cutting back on everything else. You really have no other choice. Yeah, they may be mad at you. They may have already figured this is the case and be relieved that you're finally being honest with them (do you really think they believe that you haven't been able to go to the bank in person in the last couple MONTHS?)
And please try to stop beating yourself up. Yeah, you made a poor choice. When I was unemployed, it was really, really, really, really embarrassing and stressful to ask my parents for help on rent a couple times. But you're not the worst person to ever walk the planet, either.
You have to tell them. You already know this.
posted by AlisonM at 11:23 AM on January 19, 2011
You tell your parents. Whether in person, in writing, or on the phone, you tell them. And then you detail how it will be paid back by May, and then actually follow through with paying it back, even if it means cutting back on everything else. You really have no other choice. Yeah, they may be mad at you. They may have already figured this is the case and be relieved that you're finally being honest with them (do you really think they believe that you haven't been able to go to the bank in person in the last couple MONTHS?)
And please try to stop beating yourself up. Yeah, you made a poor choice. When I was unemployed, it was really, really, really, really embarrassing and stressful to ask my parents for help on rent a couple times. But you're not the worst person to ever walk the planet, either.
You have to tell them. You already know this.
posted by AlisonM at 11:23 AM on January 19, 2011
Write a formal promissory note to your parents for the sum you owe them, setting a repayment schedule that's twice as indulgent as you think you need. Tell them that you apologize.
What you did was inappropriate and wrong. It was not terrible, especially since it is causing them zero hardship. But you owe them that money.
The thing is that you don't want to open the can of worms, but the can is already open. They almost certainly know that you took the money, so admitting it isn't going to change anything.
I'm really sorry that you are in such tough financial straits, and that your parents aren't being helpful to you. That must suck a lot.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:27 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
What you did was inappropriate and wrong. It was not terrible, especially since it is causing them zero hardship. But you owe them that money.
The thing is that you don't want to open the can of worms, but the can is already open. They almost certainly know that you took the money, so admitting it isn't going to change anything.
I'm really sorry that you are in such tough financial straits, and that your parents aren't being helpful to you. That must suck a lot.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:27 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Is it evil of me to suggest that written promissory note include the details that the money was meant for an illegal tax shelter to prevent the parents from being real dicks about this and file a legal claim in case repayment in May can't happen?
I agree with PhoBWK that you should get out of bed financially with your parents as it is a one-sided relationship that is in their benefit. I feel bad for you that you parents have been so unsupportive and set you up to fail.
posted by saucysault at 11:46 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I agree with PhoBWK that you should get out of bed financially with your parents as it is a one-sided relationship that is in their benefit. I feel bad for you that you parents have been so unsupportive and set you up to fail.
posted by saucysault at 11:46 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I agree with the people saying you should fess up to this, but also you should talk to your bank and get a 6 month loan.
I could pay that back probably by May
Then you can afford the 6 repayments.
All this will do is put you back in the same situation you were in before taking the money.
posted by Lanark at 11:53 AM on January 19, 2011
I could pay that back probably by May
Then you can afford the 6 repayments.
All this will do is put you back in the same situation you were in before taking the money.
posted by Lanark at 11:53 AM on January 19, 2011
Just email them a link to this thread. And have a payment plan worked out on paper for when they phone you for clarification of what's going on.
posted by MighstAllCruckingFighty at 11:54 AM on January 19, 2011
posted by MighstAllCruckingFighty at 11:54 AM on January 19, 2011
Is it evil of me to suggest that written promissory note include the details that the money was meant for an illegal tax shelter to prevent the parents from being real dicks about this and file a legal claim in case repayment in May can't happen?
Absolutely not. I would do that for sure.
The thing is that the OP morally owes their parents the money, but legally doesn't--because of the financial shenanigans the parents themselves chose to engage in by putting the money legally in the OP's name--so the promissory should reflect that in its specifics. Maybe describing the money as "the $10,000 deposited in tax-free savings account {#} on {date}?" The point is to have a promissory that works as a formal statement of intention, but that is not legally enforceable.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:54 AM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
Absolutely not. I would do that for sure.
The thing is that the OP morally owes their parents the money, but legally doesn't--because of the financial shenanigans the parents themselves chose to engage in by putting the money legally in the OP's name--so the promissory should reflect that in its specifics. Maybe describing the money as "the $10,000 deposited in tax-free savings account {#} on {date}?" The point is to have a promissory that works as a formal statement of intention, but that is not legally enforceable.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:54 AM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
I agree with the people saying you should fess up to this, but also you should talk to your bank and get a 6 month loan.
The US banking system and the UK banking system are really different, and this is one of the ways in which they differ. It's very very difficult in the US to get a personal loan that isn't secured by real estate.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:56 AM on January 19, 2011
The US banking system and the UK banking system are really different, and this is one of the ways in which they differ. It's very very difficult in the US to get a personal loan that isn't secured by real estate.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:56 AM on January 19, 2011
Sell every possession you don't need, right now, for whatever you can get, and give your parents whatever you can scrape up. (Actually, you should have done this two months ago.) You have a bed? Sell it and sleep on the couch. Wait, you have a couch? Sell it and sleep on piece of foam on the floor.
Every. Thing.
It's the least you can do.
Write up a repayment plan for the rest.
posted by kindall at 12:00 PM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Every. Thing.
It's the least you can do.
Write up a repayment plan for the rest.
posted by kindall at 12:00 PM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
With all due respect, sauycsault and Sidhedevil, yes, it's evil. Many posters have missed this important line from the OP:
I have a great relationship with my parents and am very close with them
This kind of relationship doesn’t just happen, nor should it be thrown away carelessly. Obviously the OP’s parents care a great deal about their child and vice versa – otherwise the OP wouldn’t be so wracked with guilt. It’s clearly important for the OP to preserve their relationship with their parents, and this kind of behavior will have the opposite effect.
Whether or not the parents were committing tax fraud, it was a mutually beneficial setup that the OP agreed to (remember they would have received the interest totally free, with zero effort required). This idea that the rich, selfish, parents somehow used their innocent child to commit tax fraud is kind of ridiculous.
posted by yawper at 12:03 PM on January 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
I have a great relationship with my parents and am very close with them
This kind of relationship doesn’t just happen, nor should it be thrown away carelessly. Obviously the OP’s parents care a great deal about their child and vice versa – otherwise the OP wouldn’t be so wracked with guilt. It’s clearly important for the OP to preserve their relationship with their parents, and this kind of behavior will have the opposite effect.
Whether or not the parents were committing tax fraud, it was a mutually beneficial setup that the OP agreed to (remember they would have received the interest totally free, with zero effort required). This idea that the rich, selfish, parents somehow used their innocent child to commit tax fraud is kind of ridiculous.
posted by yawper at 12:03 PM on January 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
(remember they would have received the interest totally free, with zero effort required)
To be used in the way the parents specified (for investments, not living expenses), despite the fact that OP has previously asked for help with living expenses and been guilt tripped and dismissed.
Honestly, my feeling is that one can't have a great relationship with one's parents with so much guilt and manipulation involved. I hope OP can find a way to forge a relationship that's more equitable and doesn't make her feel like a horrible person, even when this mess is worked out.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:10 PM on January 19, 2011
To be used in the way the parents specified (for investments, not living expenses), despite the fact that OP has previously asked for help with living expenses and been guilt tripped and dismissed.
Honestly, my feeling is that one can't have a great relationship with one's parents with so much guilt and manipulation involved. I hope OP can find a way to forge a relationship that's more equitable and doesn't make her feel like a horrible person, even when this mess is worked out.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:10 PM on January 19, 2011
I see where you are coming from yawpwe but I know a couple of people that call their relationship with their parents "great" where I see a giant mess of dysfunction. I am basing my opinion on people's actions as related by the OP.
When the OP lost their job (it doesn't sound like the OP has had years to build up an emergency fund) the parents should have clued in that no job=no money. But the OP couldn't go to them for help because "when i am hard up and ask about her offer, she'll guilt trip me and shame me for needing it."
Her parents had no problem asking the OP for help so they could avoid paying tax but don't want to help their child. As guilt and shame are not part of a great relationship maybe the OP and the parents need to recalibrate their relationship with more honesty where the parents admit they don't want to actually help the OP (but do want to feel good about themselves for offering when it is not needed) and the OP can ask that finances be kept separate from their relationship. Which, if these parents are using the power of money as leverage may be a good thing for the OP.
I don't see how a promissory note, stating the facts (obviously not calling it an illegal shelter) would ruin the relationship, it would just inject honesty into a relationship that has deceit on both sides.
posted by saucysault at 12:21 PM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
When the OP lost their job (it doesn't sound like the OP has had years to build up an emergency fund) the parents should have clued in that no job=no money. But the OP couldn't go to them for help because "when i am hard up and ask about her offer, she'll guilt trip me and shame me for needing it."
Her parents had no problem asking the OP for help so they could avoid paying tax but don't want to help their child. As guilt and shame are not part of a great relationship maybe the OP and the parents need to recalibrate their relationship with more honesty where the parents admit they don't want to actually help the OP (but do want to feel good about themselves for offering when it is not needed) and the OP can ask that finances be kept separate from their relationship. Which, if these parents are using the power of money as leverage may be a good thing for the OP.
I don't see how a promissory note, stating the facts (obviously not calling it an illegal shelter) would ruin the relationship, it would just inject honesty into a relationship that has deceit on both sides.
posted by saucysault at 12:21 PM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
With all due respect, sauycsault and Sidhedevil, yes, it's evil.
I disagree. The OP used their parents' money--money the parents actually didn't need in any way--for living expenses, not for hookers and blow. I don't think that that's evil. Wrong? Yes. Inappropriate? Yes. Something the OP needs to fess up to and make a repayment plan? Yes.
But not evil.
And "I have a great relationship with my parents" and "my parents don't help me in financial crisis when they could so clearly afford to do so that they are asking my help in setting up tax shelters" don't seem concordant to me.
The parents almost certainly know the OP has taken the money. But instead of confronting the OP, they are nagging for the money. The OP is lying to the parents instead of having the conversation. This is not a "great relationship" on either side.
My sincerest hope for the OP is that this difficult conversation will actually improve the openness of the relationship on both sides.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:27 PM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
I disagree. The OP used their parents' money--money the parents actually didn't need in any way--for living expenses, not for hookers and blow. I don't think that that's evil. Wrong? Yes. Inappropriate? Yes. Something the OP needs to fess up to and make a repayment plan? Yes.
But not evil.
And "I have a great relationship with my parents" and "my parents don't help me in financial crisis when they could so clearly afford to do so that they are asking my help in setting up tax shelters" don't seem concordant to me.
The parents almost certainly know the OP has taken the money. But instead of confronting the OP, they are nagging for the money. The OP is lying to the parents instead of having the conversation. This is not a "great relationship" on either side.
My sincerest hope for the OP is that this difficult conversation will actually improve the openness of the relationship on both sides.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:27 PM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
You say you don't have much credit card debt. Well, in your situation, I would be applying for credit cards and taking advance withdrawals of $10,000 at whatever interest rate you have to suck up in order to pay your parents back immediately.
posted by bq at 1:53 PM on January 19, 2011
posted by bq at 1:53 PM on January 19, 2011
Fess up. Pay up. Grow up. You resent your parents because you stole from them?
Sell every luxury item you own. TV, gaming console, your computer, and so on. Give that $$$ to them as a down payment when you come clean. Detail your intent to repay. Apologize. Follow through.
posted by DWRoelands at 2:17 PM on January 19, 2011
Sell every luxury item you own. TV, gaming console, your computer, and so on. Give that $$$ to them as a down payment when you come clean. Detail your intent to repay. Apologize. Follow through.
posted by DWRoelands at 2:17 PM on January 19, 2011
Stand up straight and look yourself in the mirror. You are going to do the right thing by fessing up and accepting the consequences. The right thing is never easy, but it is how you will be able to see yourself as a good person again.
How to fess up:
Explain: Instead of X I did Y with your money. I stole it.
Accept blame: I fucked up. I am totally in the wrong. There is no excuse for what I did.
Apologise: I am so sorry.
Offer: I will pay it back to you with the help of X plan by (date)
Empathise: I hurt your trust in me. I am sorry. You don't deserve this. I will work hard to make it up to you.
Do NOT go on about how bad and depressed you feel, thus angling for sympathy.
Do NOT try to make them understand why their actions or outside circumstances practically drove you to it (excuses).
You are an adult and like many people you are working at being a good person. Good people fuck up and do wrong things.
It's how they deal with it and learn from it and man up that makes them good people. It's hard. You can do it.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:18 PM on January 19, 2011 [6 favorites]
How to fess up:
Explain: Instead of X I did Y with your money. I stole it.
Accept blame: I fucked up. I am totally in the wrong. There is no excuse for what I did.
Apologise: I am so sorry.
Offer: I will pay it back to you with the help of X plan by (date)
Empathise: I hurt your trust in me. I am sorry. You don't deserve this. I will work hard to make it up to you.
Do NOT go on about how bad and depressed you feel, thus angling for sympathy.
Do NOT try to make them understand why their actions or outside circumstances practically drove you to it (excuses).
You are an adult and like many people you are working at being a good person. Good people fuck up and do wrong things.
It's how they deal with it and learn from it and man up that makes them good people. It's hard. You can do it.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:18 PM on January 19, 2011 [6 favorites]
You are not a bad person, just a person who made a very bad decision.
This is what my therapist would say. Well, actually what he would say (has said) is "You fucked up. You are not a fuckup."
I bring up the therapist because that's where you'll be if you don't take care of this. You will start having panic attacks and depression (actually it sounds like you're already there). Please, for your own mental health among other things, just deal with the situation by coming clean.
And don't be so hard on yourself; people DO fuck up. I have a relative in his 60s who did something similar, only he was an attorney and it was a client's money (which, like you, he fully intended to repay). It was awful for him when he confessed this, but honestly I don't think people thought less of him. He is one of the most wonderful people I know; he just fucked up.
I have had to make a similarly excruciating confession, myself, to friends and family. Believe me, it's better when it's over. People are more forgiving than you think they will be--probably because they know they are capable of similar betrayal. Just be penitent and honest and go forward with making the situation right. Good luck to you.
posted by torticat at 2:30 PM on January 19, 2011
This is what my therapist would say. Well, actually what he would say (has said) is "You fucked up. You are not a fuckup."
I bring up the therapist because that's where you'll be if you don't take care of this. You will start having panic attacks and depression (actually it sounds like you're already there). Please, for your own mental health among other things, just deal with the situation by coming clean.
And don't be so hard on yourself; people DO fuck up. I have a relative in his 60s who did something similar, only he was an attorney and it was a client's money (which, like you, he fully intended to repay). It was awful for him when he confessed this, but honestly I don't think people thought less of him. He is one of the most wonderful people I know; he just fucked up.
I have had to make a similarly excruciating confession, myself, to friends and family. Believe me, it's better when it's over. People are more forgiving than you think they will be--probably because they know they are capable of similar betrayal. Just be penitent and honest and go forward with making the situation right. Good luck to you.
posted by torticat at 2:30 PM on January 19, 2011
Sell every possession you don't need, right now, for whatever you can get, and give your parents whatever you can scrape up. (Actually, you should have done this two months ago.) You have a bed? Sell it and sleep on the couch. Wait, you have a couch? Sell it and sleep on piece of foam on the floor
You say you don't have much credit card debt. Well, in your situation, I would be applying for credit cards and taking advance withdrawals of $10,000 at whatever interest rate you have to suck up in order to pay your parents back immediately.
Please note that it would be incredibly foolish to do anything like those things, at least until you talk to your parents and get their reaction (do this as soon as possible!), especially if you really will be able to pay them back in four months like you said. You are ALREADY miserable and in debt. Move only in the OTHER direction.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 2:50 PM on January 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
You say you don't have much credit card debt. Well, in your situation, I would be applying for credit cards and taking advance withdrawals of $10,000 at whatever interest rate you have to suck up in order to pay your parents back immediately.
Please note that it would be incredibly foolish to do anything like those things, at least until you talk to your parents and get their reaction (do this as soon as possible!), especially if you really will be able to pay them back in four months like you said. You are ALREADY miserable and in debt. Move only in the OTHER direction.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 2:50 PM on January 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
Wow. Count me as a person who thinks, yeah, you probably shouldn't have done that because it will make your parents mad, not because it was the wrong thing to do. If they have so much money that they're trying to hide some of it versus you couldn't pay your rent, I don't see any question that your parents would want you to have the money that they didn't need to pay your rent. They wanted you to have money in a savings account from the beginning, right? That was the original idea? So yeah, I hope that your parents are decent folks and you are worrying yourself over nothing.
Yes, you should tell them, but if they're good people they will understand, and probably won't even be mad. Yes, you should offer to pay them back. But if they're good people, who didn't really need the money, then they will tell you to pay yourself back into savings for the future so that if you lose your job again you will be in a better place.
posted by hydropsyche at 3:09 PM on January 19, 2011
Yes, you should tell them, but if they're good people they will understand, and probably won't even be mad. Yes, you should offer to pay them back. But if they're good people, who didn't really need the money, then they will tell you to pay yourself back into savings for the future so that if you lose your job again you will be in a better place.
posted by hydropsyche at 3:09 PM on January 19, 2011
This:
I have a great relationship with my parents and am very close with them
doesn't seem to mesh so well with this:
They haven't really known how bad my finances have been this past year, and though my mother often offers to lend me money if ever I need it, whenever I have asked her she has been very angry and evasive and made me feel very guilty about putting them out. She will ask about my finances when I'm doing OK and offer help, then when i am hard up and ask about her offer, she'll guilt trip me and shame me for needing it. thus, no, asking them for help was not really an option as it made me feel even worse than I do now.
If that's a pretty accurate description of your mother, then you ought to let yourself acknowledge that it's not cool of her to treat you that way and you deserve better. It doesn't justify lying and stealing, but it makes me wonder more about the dynamics of your relationship and whether you're standing up for yourself and setting healthy boundaries, or whether you have something invested in wanting to believe that you have a great, close relationship with your parents when that's not reall the case.
However, reading On the other hand, yeah telling them is going to make them hate me and never trust me again makes me wonder whether you're being over-sensitive and over-dramatic about this. If you do have a great relationship with your parents, try to look honestly at how you may have jumped to conclusions, and after you go ahead and apologize, when they inevitably ask you "Why didn't you just ask us if you needed money?" you can have an answer about how when Mom says such-and-such phrase it makes you feel ashamed and like she's angry at you, but you're not sure if you're reading too much into it, so can you talk more about how they really feel about lending you money?
(If telling them is going to make them hate me and never trust me again is actually true, then yeah, you really don't have a great relationship with your parents at all. They have a right to be angry and you should expect that you've lost their trust and will have to build it back up again, but a good, close parent-child relationship shouldn't be seriously and permanently damaged by something like this.)
posted by EmilyClimbs at 4:02 PM on January 19, 2011
I have a great relationship with my parents and am very close with them
doesn't seem to mesh so well with this:
They haven't really known how bad my finances have been this past year, and though my mother often offers to lend me money if ever I need it, whenever I have asked her she has been very angry and evasive and made me feel very guilty about putting them out. She will ask about my finances when I'm doing OK and offer help, then when i am hard up and ask about her offer, she'll guilt trip me and shame me for needing it. thus, no, asking them for help was not really an option as it made me feel even worse than I do now.
If that's a pretty accurate description of your mother, then you ought to let yourself acknowledge that it's not cool of her to treat you that way and you deserve better. It doesn't justify lying and stealing, but it makes me wonder more about the dynamics of your relationship and whether you're standing up for yourself and setting healthy boundaries, or whether you have something invested in wanting to believe that you have a great, close relationship with your parents when that's not reall the case.
However, reading On the other hand, yeah telling them is going to make them hate me and never trust me again makes me wonder whether you're being over-sensitive and over-dramatic about this. If you do have a great relationship with your parents, try to look honestly at how you may have jumped to conclusions, and after you go ahead and apologize, when they inevitably ask you "Why didn't you just ask us if you needed money?" you can have an answer about how when Mom says such-and-such phrase it makes you feel ashamed and like she's angry at you, but you're not sure if you're reading too much into it, so can you talk more about how they really feel about lending you money?
(If telling them is going to make them hate me and never trust me again is actually true, then yeah, you really don't have a great relationship with your parents at all. They have a right to be angry and you should expect that you've lost their trust and will have to build it back up again, but a good, close parent-child relationship shouldn't be seriously and permanently damaged by something like this.)
posted by EmilyClimbs at 4:02 PM on January 19, 2011
You've been hiding this secret for a long time. You know you need to tell them; it's eating you up inside. I highly suggest you get this off of your chest before the weekend-- it's an arbitrary deadline, but without a deadline, you're going to keep putting it off and hurting your relationship with them. Just imagine how good you'll feel on Sunday night, knowing that you don't have to hide your guilt any longer.
There are even magic words to begin this conversation: "So, listen, I have something serious I need to talk to you about." Then take a deep breath.
That's a fool-proof transition to this topic, no matter what you and your family were previously discussing.
posted by samthemander at 4:21 PM on January 19, 2011
There are even magic words to begin this conversation: "So, listen, I have something serious I need to talk to you about." Then take a deep breath.
That's a fool-proof transition to this topic, no matter what you and your family were previously discussing.
posted by samthemander at 4:21 PM on January 19, 2011
Just tell them what you did and tell them all you can do now is pay it back, and say you would like to figure out a plan for doing that. That's really all you can do. It's OK. I mean, you lost your job and needed to pay the rent! You should have asked them first. But you can't change that now, all you can do is say what you did and say you'll pay it back, and I would also say you are not willing to transfer their money under your name into accounts located abroad in order to avoid taxes. They did kind of use you in the first place.
Sometimes when I have to talk to someone about something important and am stressed about it, I go on and on about the complicated situation, but doing this won't make it go away - the only thing you can do is tell them, and it's a pretty quick thing to tell. Do that and you will stop feeling so horrible.
posted by citron at 8:50 PM on January 19, 2011
Sometimes when I have to talk to someone about something important and am stressed about it, I go on and on about the complicated situation, but doing this won't make it go away - the only thing you can do is tell them, and it's a pretty quick thing to tell. Do that and you will stop feeling so horrible.
posted by citron at 8:50 PM on January 19, 2011
Who do you want to see yourself as years down the road? Who do you want your family to see?
Do you want to be the person that justifies their moments of weakness and blames others for giving you the opportunity to blow their money? Or would you rather be the stand-up person who owns up to their own mistakes and at least tries to make them right?
posted by codswallop at 9:15 PM on January 19, 2011
Do you want to be the person that justifies their moments of weakness and blames others for giving you the opportunity to blow their money? Or would you rather be the stand-up person who owns up to their own mistakes and at least tries to make them right?
posted by codswallop at 9:15 PM on January 19, 2011
You feel guilty and you're going to keep feeling guilty until you set things right. It sucks to have to come up with that kind of money to pay back but it will screw up your relationship with your parents if you keep trying to cover up and justify it.
I know someone whose mom (nice person) was going through a really rough patch emotionally and spent his inheritance from his grandparent, kind of a compulsive spending thing to feel better. She felt really guilty about it. She paid back a little but doesn't have a lot of money and did the "I did this for you or you stayed with me so I don't owe you anything" trying to justify thing. Most of the time, they're okay but it still comes up if they have a fight. This is just a crappy thing to have hanging over your head.
Your parents can be doing shady things with the tax man but it's not a good idea to let it affect your relationship. Figure out your options on how to pay back the money. If you don't want to fess up, a bank loan or selling your stuff is the best option I can come up with. If you've been with your job long enough, you might be able to borrow against your 401K.
If not, tell your parents, including your plan to repay them. Leave out any reasons that share the blame with them. "It's your fault I spent your money" is never going to go over well. Tell them how miserable and guilty you've felt about it. You might luck out and they'll be willing to forgive part of the money, just don't expect it. The years of not having that guilt be in the back of your mind every time you think about or talk to your parents are worth paying the $10,000.
posted by stray thoughts at 12:15 AM on January 20, 2011
I know someone whose mom (nice person) was going through a really rough patch emotionally and spent his inheritance from his grandparent, kind of a compulsive spending thing to feel better. She felt really guilty about it. She paid back a little but doesn't have a lot of money and did the "I did this for you or you stayed with me so I don't owe you anything" trying to justify thing. Most of the time, they're okay but it still comes up if they have a fight. This is just a crappy thing to have hanging over your head.
Your parents can be doing shady things with the tax man but it's not a good idea to let it affect your relationship. Figure out your options on how to pay back the money. If you don't want to fess up, a bank loan or selling your stuff is the best option I can come up with. If you've been with your job long enough, you might be able to borrow against your 401K.
If not, tell your parents, including your plan to repay them. Leave out any reasons that share the blame with them. "It's your fault I spent your money" is never going to go over well. Tell them how miserable and guilty you've felt about it. You might luck out and they'll be willing to forgive part of the money, just don't expect it. The years of not having that guilt be in the back of your mind every time you think about or talk to your parents are worth paying the $10,000.
posted by stray thoughts at 12:15 AM on January 20, 2011
telling them is going to make them hate me and never trust me again
I think this will not turn out to be true because they probably already know, and yet they do not hate you. They are waiting for you to be (and giving you the opportunity to be) honest with them. Have courage. Although the details are uniquely yours, the basic events are very common (for example, the Prodigal Son parable is much, much older than you and was an understandable story that people could relate to even when it was told/written). Who knows, after telling them they may feel comfortable telling you some of their stories about crazy mistakes they made in early adulthood (and they did, as we all do). They maybe disappointed about what happened, but that comes from an intense desire to see you have a happy and successful life. My guess is that they won't spurn you, but instead will help you by working out a plan to pay the money back.
posted by Houstonian at 3:01 AM on January 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think this will not turn out to be true because they probably already know, and yet they do not hate you. They are waiting for you to be (and giving you the opportunity to be) honest with them. Have courage. Although the details are uniquely yours, the basic events are very common (for example, the Prodigal Son parable is much, much older than you and was an understandable story that people could relate to even when it was told/written). Who knows, after telling them they may feel comfortable telling you some of their stories about crazy mistakes they made in early adulthood (and they did, as we all do). They maybe disappointed about what happened, but that comes from an intense desire to see you have a happy and successful life. My guess is that they won't spurn you, but instead will help you by working out a plan to pay the money back.
posted by Houstonian at 3:01 AM on January 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
I don't see how this is tax fraud benefiting the parents if the child is getting the interest. (The part that's sheltered from tax is the interest.) Sounds more like the parents wanted to control the OP's use of the money by having an agreement that the OP would spend only the interest, not the principal. Now, if the OP's parents wanted the tax-free interest given back to them, I see how that would be tax fraud benefiting them.
posted by palliser at 12:03 PM on January 20, 2011
posted by palliser at 12:03 PM on January 20, 2011
Just tell them already, and don't make excuses. Then pay them back as soon as possible, and don't drag it out and make more excuses when you miss a payment, set a realistic goal and make it easy for them by depositing it directly into their account or paying with cash in envelopes. They will most likely not trust you with their money again (or at least for a long time), but will still love and forgive you. In 5-10 years this will just be the thing you did while young and silly.
posted by meepmeow at 1:33 PM on January 20, 2011
posted by meepmeow at 1:33 PM on January 20, 2011
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