Hi. I don't know if it's burn out, lack of confidence, result of being in a toxic environment for so long or what.
I just feel totally unmotivated lately at this job but also unmotivated and scared to leave and look for a job.
A while back I posted this
. Well there were many updates after this.
1. ex boss who I always had a fabulous relationship with got promoted. I thought good news.
2. It lead to crazy confrontational boss to leave.
3. It lead to an opening at the company which I told the middle boss I wanted. She said sure she would tell me when it was officially posted and would inform my ex boss who is now our director.
Now the backstory was me and the ex boss/director were together as boss/employee for 2 years. They gave me stellar reviews and told me I was getting a promotion. A former director didn't like me because I was up front with the way she verbally abused employees. That former director left, blocked my promotion, and thought well now that she's gone, NOW is my chance because there is an opening. Surely with 6 years of good reviews, 2 by the boss who is now our director and wanted to promote me gives me a fair shot.
Well, they didn't tell me about the posting. I stumbled on to it. I applied and the new director (ex boss) called me in a room with my temp boss and said "no way am I even interviewing you. You have zero qualifications for this job."
I was shocked. So I can do the job alone (creative team of min. 3 people is usually the standard) for 6 years, she can be my manager for 2 of them and tell me she wanted to promote me now I can't even get an interview because I'm not qualified????
I'm obviously upset but move on. Fine. My new boss (yes this is now the 4th boss in one year) does have some impressive experience. Move on, do my work, etc. Creative team from different parts merge together and we're told we're cross functional. Fine. Good people.
Then the snotty tone, double checking on my work emails come from my ex boss/director. I'm floored. They were never like this before and always told me they never had to worry about me. I was a go getter, did great work, etc. I finally asked in private email what was up that I think we shoudl talk it out. I feel that there is a lack of faith in my abilities. So we meet.
Holy cow the backlash from nowhere. I was asked why am I here. What is my value. The new boss said to them that they've seen problems (not once did ANYONE ever tell me of "problems") and now it's the end of the year and I've obviously done nothing all year. So...my good mid year review that they approved was lies? What about 6 years of great reviews--including from them? If there are 'problems" shoudln't they tell me when the problems occur, not wait until the last week of the month?
I go to HR asking if this is the start of something more formal because I cannot lose this job. It pays really well. I like it (despite the craziness). And I am the benefit earner for our family. Our son who has on and off health problems needs this premo insurance. HR tells me that something is weird and unfair and to start documenting. But I also know that HR works for the company and you can't "fight the power".
I don't know where or why my ex boss flipped their tune. I don't know what 'problems' the new boss is talking about because when we talked their estimate of my experience was way off track. I proved to them my talents and all I got was an "oh. Yea well you DO know your stuff." Getting rid of you takes a while over here but still, the job market is tough. I look at jobs and either I don't fit the mold because quite frankly, this company held me back in progress of the latest and greatest trends, our product sucks, and if I show it in a portfolio what I do they'll go "wow. THat is just horrible." And it is horrible because that is what was approved by management. My proposals and ideas got squashed. When your product has a 99% negative customer rating, hello...it's not good.
So now I just feel---depressed? Burned out? Unmotivated? No confidence. I feel like I'm always on edge going to get fired and never can please these people (the expectations, while good, are really high now and out of nowhere). But looking at other jobs, no one will match this salary/benefits or I'm not qualfied because my talents are stuck in 1998.
Do I "mooch" off the learnings from this new boss who is ramping up our experience?
Do I stay with it thinking well maybe the director was just in a bad mood because senior management made her life hell that day and she obviously blammed me for the crappy product instead of equal responsibility (I'm not a manager so how can this be my fault when they are the manager of this product and thought all was fine and dandy when for YEARS I told them we need to change XYZ by doing ABC)?
Do I slowly apply to other jobs? Everytime I look I just get scared/depressed. I feel like a talentless hack now from my former confident/enthused self. I know I will have to get a paycut. I will probably lose my work from home days. Flex hours? I have a child and want to start another one. I can't with new benefits (need to go through fertility treatments).
So lots to think about and every angle just makes me burned out/depressed.
I'm very confused how to move through this. It almost feels like well I'll put up with abuse, jerking around because hey my family needs xyz from me and this is as good as it will get (aka all jobs suck).