How do I treat my ex boyfriend, since I can't avoid him?

December 14, 2010 11:30 PM

My boyfriend and I broke up. We are both actively involved in an organization, and share many of the same friends. How do we deal with having to see each other all the time (almost every day)?

We dated for almost a year, and met through a religious community. We are both very involved with it, participating in activities for it multiple times per week.

1. Should I remove myself from the group?

2. Also, how do I act towards him if I think there is a chance we could reconcile and get back together?

So far I have ignored him, acting happy and laughing like usual. A couple day ago I began saying "Hi" in a detached way when he greets me first, making a bit of small talk. He has this look on his face like a kicked puppy when I see him. I told him that things worked out for the best the day after he dumped me, and haven't contacted him since.


(He broke up with me because he wouldn't have time for me next year, and just "wanted to be friends." I am 99% sure it was because we spent so much time together that I'd emotionally unload on him, express my insecurities, and just generally be really stressed out and disorganized, not having any time to myself to pursue my hobbies and take care of myself. He would never tell me the way he felt about me unless I said it first, so I may have acted clingy at times because of the uncertainty there. He couldn't give me a reason WHY he wanted to end things. It was so frustrating. We never had a single argument--he's not good at talking about feelings/emotional stuff, and is a bit awkward in general. He is a bit younger and perhaps less mature than I am. I would definitely set some firm boundaries for the next relationship, whether it's with him or with another guy. Heck, I might not even want to date him again. A lot of my girlfriends keep telling me I could "do better," but still... he was a special guy in a lot of ways. Sorry for the length, guys!)

posted by sunnychef88 to Human Relations (8 answers total)

You need to get out. Probably more than you need this group.

If it is a church or similar religious group in the traditional sense, you should find another congregation to participate in. If this is a one-of-a-kind organization, you should take a breather. I would at least suggest that you arrange something with the ex where you aren't both always there. Like maybe you take Tuesday night choir practice while he does Wednesday bible study, he goes to the early service while you go to the late service, you switch off alternating weeks, or whatever.

You can probably salvage some of your friendships. Certainly some of these people were closer to you, or closer to him. Even if you mostly hung out with the girlfriends of his male friends, you can arrange to see some of them socially without needing to see the ex multiple times per week. This is pretty much standard operating procedure when a couple who has been together for a long time breaks up.

I was broken up with in similar one-sided manner earlier this year and the only thing that has kept me even halfway sane was to cut our interaction to the absolute minimum.
posted by Sara C. at 11:39 PM on December 14, 2010 [2 favorites]

He broke up with you? And now he looks like a kicked puppy? Let him deal with his own problems. Treat him like an acquaintance but don't actively seek him out, or actively socialize with him, but don't remove yourself from the group. Act like an adult, and don't gossip about him behind his back. Don't treat him specially in any way. If he really wants to be friends, he should be treating you like one, and it doesn't sound like he is.

And take care of yourself and pursue your hobbies! Have an awesome time and you'll feel better about yourself and your life will be excellent.
posted by that girl at 11:39 PM on December 14, 2010 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Also, how do I act towards him if I think there is a chance we could reconcile and get back together?

Some people who break up get back together. Other people don't. The only way to stay remotely sane in this situation is to genuinely believe that it's over, and that it's for the best.

Otherwise, listen to the posters above, they are wise.

One other thing: Your ex may try to be extra friendly with you and offer to hang out and do some of the things you used to do when you were together. He will do this because he thinks he is a nice guy. He is not. He is an idiot. If he suggests the two of you hang out, DO NOT DO IT. Politely decline. Be nice to him when you're in your social group, politely ignore him otherwise. This will be hard, but it will keep you sane.
posted by auto-correct at 12:07 AM on December 15, 2010 [7 favorites]

Oh yeah, auto-correct is right about the hanging out just-the-two-of-you. Don't do it, at least not for the next year or so.
posted by that girl at 12:12 AM on December 15, 2010 [3 favorites]

When does "next year" start? It is mid December, so next year is a few weeks away. If he isn't going to have enough time for you, he probably wont have time for several church functions a week.

But, like most "it's not you, it's me" break up excuses, this was him politely telling you that he just isn't that into you. So, either get ready to see him less in church, or get ready to live with his poorly made excuse waving in your face.

How would you be able to handle that? Asking him to have a custody sharing agreement with the church groups for a little while might be a good idea to let it all parties move on emotionally.
posted by munchingzombie at 1:28 AM on December 15, 2010

I thought you were doing great until the last paragraph. You may not have had a single argument, but he's reserved anyway so I imagine it just didn't get to that level of intensity. But, for whatever reason he didn't want to be in the relationship. Maybe he's embarrassed, thinking his reasoning was lame and you seem to be doing OK, but whatever. You sound like you have intense relationships, and that's totally fine, but not everybody can handle that.
posted by rhizome at 1:54 AM on December 15, 2010

Best answer: I've recently been through something similar. It was a mutual break-up, and we remained great friends for months after. It is not impossible.

But then she met someone new. That was when it hit me. I think staying so close over those months only made it harder, though I don't regret any of it.

I'd still like for us to stay friends, but I won't force it. We see each other less now, but we still get on. It can be done.

It's tricky. Even when you think you have it under control, chances are, you don't. I'd say get some space, maybe over the holidays, and try to detach yourself. See how you get on.

Take the opportunity to be your own person. One of the hardest things for me was no longer having someone to "unload" on. I'd suggest writing your thoughts down and getting it all out. Be truthful. No one ever needs to read it, not even you. Just get it out.

Good luck.
posted by Acey at 9:06 AM on December 15, 2010

I've seen my ex almost every working day for the last four years! We work at the same organization. It wasn't easy at the start and probably made it harder to get over him, but my mantra was 'I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me'. We're on good terms now, but it took a long time.

If you can spend time away from him I'm sure the healing process will progress faster.
posted by WayOutWest at 11:46 AM on December 15, 2010 [1 favorite]