To gift or not to gift?
December 8, 2010 8:36 AM   Subscribe

Etiquette filter: Found out my boss at my new job gives members of her team fairly generous holiday gifts. Is it appropriate for me to reciprocate with a smaller token of appreciation, or will that seem suck-uppy?

I started a new job I like a lot 3 months ago. My team is small, with only two employees and our awesome direct supervisor.

Yesterday afternoon, Supervisor and I were on location waiting for a meeting to end and killing time at a nearby outdoor market. She found and purchased a great gift for our other team member, which is how I found out she traditionally buys very nice gifts for her team at the end of the year. She hastened to add that it was not expected that the gifting be reciprocated and that it was a token of her appreciation. But given that she's awesome and we're friendly, I'd like to reciprocate.

I think other team member will be giving her a small gift, too, so what I'd like to do is go back to the holiday market and buy a pair of earrings we both admired yesterday. They were inexpensive and I'd give them with a nice holiday card saying how I enjoy working with her.

Other possibly relevant facts: I'm a girl, too, so this wouldn't be a guy buying his female boss jewelry. We work for a nonprofit with a casual office environment - people chat about their lives and go out to happy hour, significant others have met coworkers, etc. She has a collaborative and friendly management style. She's about 7 years older than I am.

Can I give her the gift even though she said there was no need for reciprocation, or will it seem weird since I started the job so recently? Will it seem like I'm sucking up to her? Should I pick another gift/stick with a card? Am I overthinking this?
posted by superfluousm to Human Relations (20 answers total)
 
Go for it! appreciation works both ways.
posted by By The Grace of God at 8:45 AM on December 8, 2010


If you want to give something to anyone, give something to everyone. Best if you give the same something to everyone, like some holiday cookies or something. I wouldn't give something just to my boss.
posted by alms at 8:46 AM on December 8, 2010 [7 favorites]


This is almost exactly my situation and I'm doing the same thing, go for it.
posted by headnsouth at 8:48 AM on December 8, 2010


Go for it, and don't apologize to your boss when you give it.
posted by Cheminatrix at 8:50 AM on December 8, 2010


You could ask your coworker to go in on something, like maybe a gift card for a dinner out or something.

Earrings to me seem like an awfully personal gift for this situation, but you know her better than an Internet stranger does.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 8:51 AM on December 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


It sounds like a nice gesture. As you seem to understand, the gift is a token, and the important part is your heartfelt appreciation.

I think it's less odd to give your boss gifts in a small office - I did so in a similar situation but would feel weird about it in my current, larger office.
posted by momus_window at 8:51 AM on December 8, 2010


Eh, I say go for it. You could also let your coworkers know you're doing this, and see if ayone wants to go in on it.

I think you're way into the over thinking it camp.
posted by cjorgensen at 8:52 AM on December 8, 2010


It's totally appropriate. I've been in plenty of positions where I've given small gifts to supervisors (and they've given generous ones to me.)
posted by fairfax at 8:52 AM on December 8, 2010


Response by poster: @alms - I should clarify we're already doing an office-wide Secret Santa, so this is a gift exchange that goes on privately separate from that. My understanding is that other departments do their own intra-gifting, too. So ordinarily I'd agree with you but in this case I sort of feel like the communal gifting is covered.

Thanks so far, guys!
posted by superfluousm at 8:53 AM on December 8, 2010


The earrings sound perfect. You know she admired them, so you're not just shooting in the dark. I think it's totally appropriate.
posted by TooFewShoes at 9:02 AM on December 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


In positions of authority, I've found gifts to be especially touching. It made me appreciate the giver's maturity and willingness to go against the grain of our current relationship. It's a small act that reminds us both we're human and equals in that way, despite this temporary power imbalance in our relationship.
posted by slidell at 9:17 AM on December 8, 2010


Wow, I've been doing work gift-giving all wrong. I've always heard that it isn't appropriate to give a gift to one's supervisor even if they give you a gift. Have work rules changed in the last 10 or so years?
posted by kaybdc at 9:47 AM on December 8, 2010


kaybdc: I think it's important to consider the workplace culture and norms.
posted by autoclavicle at 10:01 AM on December 8, 2010


I agree that the earrings sound perfect. In a similar work environment, my team members and I would always go in on a gift for our supervisor together, and that seemed to work out well if you want another option.
posted by vytae at 10:05 AM on December 8, 2010


Give her the earrings - it sounds appropriate and sweet. Don't apologize for giving it, and I wouldn't broadcast it to other people in the office.
posted by mrs. taters at 10:14 AM on December 8, 2010


Response by poster: Thanks everyone! I was leaning towards going for it given the casual office environment and the relative lack of formality in our relationship, so I'm glad to hear the consensus goes that way, too. I went back for the earrings at lunch and I'll wrap them up with a nice card and slip them to her discreetly.
posted by superfluousm at 10:19 AM on December 8, 2010


One thing to keep in mind is that she might not be buying the gift for you out of her own pocket. I know at my company, managers charge that sort of thing to the company.
posted by something something at 12:04 PM on December 8, 2010


In some places, it's appropriate. In others, less so. Ask your co-workers. They know the rules (written and un-) at your company better than we do, and they're the ones you're going to have to deal with.
posted by Etrigan at 12:21 PM on December 8, 2010


In general you don't "gift up," for the exact reason you fear. If you don't feel comfortable enough in your new job yet to run this past your coworkers, I would err on the side of not. You're new and your boss has made it clear she doesn't expect anything from you.

A card is fine. Maybe some homemade cookies. This time next year, if you find out the gifting thing is mutual, go for it.
posted by thinkingwoman at 8:43 PM on December 8, 2010


No, gifts flow down the hierarchy, not up.

What you should do is write a thank-you note on the same day you unwrap the gift. Use plain heavy writing paper rather than a card.
posted by tel3path at 2:30 AM on December 9, 2010


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