How to approach the pubic hair grooming issue?
November 20, 2010 9:00 PM Subscribe
Trying to be a thoughtful boyfriend and yet improve the sexual experience. How do you delicately approach the pubic hair grooming issue? More information (possibly more than you want to know) after the cut.
My girlfriend and I (both in our 30s) have been seeing each other for about three months now, sexually active for about two of those months. Lots of mutual oral and manual stimulation going on. I love going down on her, and she's quite pleased with the oral stimulation. However, her genes put her in the family of those with a substantial amount of hair growth. She keeps a good amount in control, but down below its a bit thicker than I feel comfortable with, getting somewhat in the way of what I'm doing. Not crazy, mind you, but enough to be distracting... both in extent and length.
So, how do I delicately approach the issue without being a dick? I groom a bit myself, and she's mentioned it on occasion in a positive way. But it seems so artificial to say something along the lines of "I love going down on you. You know, I think I'd be able to please you even more if you trimmed down a bit." She's been battling confidence issues and body image issues her whole life, I'm worried if I approach this in the wrong way that it'll set her off. Otherwise, we're very open with each other sexually... very GGG in the Dan Savage sense of things.
Most past posts assume this discussion has come up. So, what's the best way to approach it?
My girlfriend and I (both in our 30s) have been seeing each other for about three months now, sexually active for about two of those months. Lots of mutual oral and manual stimulation going on. I love going down on her, and she's quite pleased with the oral stimulation. However, her genes put her in the family of those with a substantial amount of hair growth. She keeps a good amount in control, but down below its a bit thicker than I feel comfortable with, getting somewhat in the way of what I'm doing. Not crazy, mind you, but enough to be distracting... both in extent and length.
So, how do I delicately approach the issue without being a dick? I groom a bit myself, and she's mentioned it on occasion in a positive way. But it seems so artificial to say something along the lines of "I love going down on you. You know, I think I'd be able to please you even more if you trimmed down a bit." She's been battling confidence issues and body image issues her whole life, I'm worried if I approach this in the wrong way that it'll set her off. Otherwise, we're very open with each other sexually... very GGG in the Dan Savage sense of things.
Most past posts assume this discussion has come up. So, what's the best way to approach it?
Honestly, "I love going down on you. You know, I think I'd be able to please you even more if you trimmed down a bit.", maybe with an additional, "do you want me to do it during sexy times?" would be fine for me.
Given the self esteem issues Most of us harbor, it's never a bad idea to couch it in about twenty "you are gorgeous, I like you any way you are, this is just for my comfort, and have I mentioned how much I love going down on you?"s.
posted by ldthomps at 9:15 PM on November 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Given the self esteem issues Most of us harbor, it's never a bad idea to couch it in about twenty "you are gorgeous, I like you any way you are, this is just for my comfort, and have I mentioned how much I love going down on you?"s.
posted by ldthomps at 9:15 PM on November 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
"I love going down on you. You know, I think I'd be able to please you even more if you trimmed down a bit."
Sounds pretty reasonable to me. Ya'll should be able to talk about things like that. If ya'll aren't maybe start by working on being able to talk about sex because the overgrowth of taboos will probably get in your way more than her hair.
It's fun and sexy to talk about sex and it's mechanics; once you get over feeling awkward about it. Only way to get over it is exposure/practice though.
Anyhow, if talking about it is just completely out of the question just put some scissors near your shower, take a shower with her, start playing with her bits then whip out the scissors and trim her down.
posted by Matt Oneiros at 9:17 PM on November 20, 2010
Sounds pretty reasonable to me. Ya'll should be able to talk about things like that. If ya'll aren't maybe start by working on being able to talk about sex because the overgrowth of taboos will probably get in your way more than her hair.
It's fun and sexy to talk about sex and it's mechanics; once you get over feeling awkward about it. Only way to get over it is exposure/practice though.
Anyhow, if talking about it is just completely out of the question just put some scissors near your shower, take a shower with her, start playing with her bits then whip out the scissors and trim her down.
posted by Matt Oneiros at 9:17 PM on November 20, 2010
Seconding the spa voucher. In a big city like NYC or LA, a single bikini (well Brazilian is the standard in LA) runs, on average, $50. It's around $35 in lower end spas where it tends to hurt like hell. And a lot of people go once a month. So it's sort of like paying for another cell phone plan. If she's not sensitive about the money, then disregard. But, on second thought, you might get her a spa voucher for services in addition to the waxing, like massages. That way she can do something enjoyable in addition to the often painful and embarrassing waxing.
I don't know if simply self-trimming necessarily works in all cases. It can make it very itchy and unpleasant if she cuts too short. And self-waxing for a newbie is out of the question. I'd try to get her to a good salon where an honest waxer can make recommendations for future grooming options.
posted by KimikoPi at 9:23 PM on November 20, 2010
I don't know if simply self-trimming necessarily works in all cases. It can make it very itchy and unpleasant if she cuts too short. And self-waxing for a newbie is out of the question. I'd try to get her to a good salon where an honest waxer can make recommendations for future grooming options.
posted by KimikoPi at 9:23 PM on November 20, 2010
I think you're right to be worried that this request could set off her body image issues. I think it's crucial to understand why it might make her feel terrible if you want to be able to navigate these rocky waters.
Women are expected to have a regimen of grooming procedures in order to meet a variety of aesthetic standards. But they're also expected to engage in these procedures assiduously and in private, cultivating the illusion that they just naturally have hairless legs or flawless skin. Somewhere along the line, societal disapproval becomes internalized and one begins to feel unfeminine for even having to perform these procedures in the first place. Leg hair is considered masculine? The fact that I grow leg hair makes me masculine, and if my partner ever finds out he'll find me disgusting. There's this fear that some missed hygiene protocol will flip a switch in one's partner's mind, transforming you permanently -- in his eyes -- into some kind of disgusting troll.
These are, as I said, rocky waters. I don't know that there would be a way my partner could discuss this with me without making me feel tremendously insecure, paranoid, and disgusted with my own body -- and I don't think I'm alone in that (though I'm certainly closer to the insecure end of the spectrum). But at the very least he would have to make it clear that it isn't aesthetic ("it will be easier for me to go down on you" rather than "I find it unattractive"), and I think I'd be much less likely to feel terrible if the complaint were about length rather than extent (because "too much of your body is covered in hair" is much closer to a referendum on my femininity than "your hair is a bit too long").
And on preview, sweet Jesus, do not "conveniently" place scissors by the shower and whip them out to randomly trim her pubic hair. And I would find a spa gift certificate really passive aggressive, especially since hair removal methods are a very personal choice (not everyone likes/can abide by waxing). I know I'm not leaving you with many positive suggestions here, but depending on your girlfriend's attitudes, there might not be a lot you can do other than soldier on unless she explicitly asks you if you'd like it if she trimmed/depilated.
posted by pluckemin at 9:29 PM on November 20, 2010 [90 favorites]
Women are expected to have a regimen of grooming procedures in order to meet a variety of aesthetic standards. But they're also expected to engage in these procedures assiduously and in private, cultivating the illusion that they just naturally have hairless legs or flawless skin. Somewhere along the line, societal disapproval becomes internalized and one begins to feel unfeminine for even having to perform these procedures in the first place. Leg hair is considered masculine? The fact that I grow leg hair makes me masculine, and if my partner ever finds out he'll find me disgusting. There's this fear that some missed hygiene protocol will flip a switch in one's partner's mind, transforming you permanently -- in his eyes -- into some kind of disgusting troll.
These are, as I said, rocky waters. I don't know that there would be a way my partner could discuss this with me without making me feel tremendously insecure, paranoid, and disgusted with my own body -- and I don't think I'm alone in that (though I'm certainly closer to the insecure end of the spectrum). But at the very least he would have to make it clear that it isn't aesthetic ("it will be easier for me to go down on you" rather than "I find it unattractive"), and I think I'd be much less likely to feel terrible if the complaint were about length rather than extent (because "too much of your body is covered in hair" is much closer to a referendum on my femininity than "your hair is a bit too long").
And on preview, sweet Jesus, do not "conveniently" place scissors by the shower and whip them out to randomly trim her pubic hair. And I would find a spa gift certificate really passive aggressive, especially since hair removal methods are a very personal choice (not everyone likes/can abide by waxing). I know I'm not leaving you with many positive suggestions here, but depending on your girlfriend's attitudes, there might not be a lot you can do other than soldier on unless she explicitly asks you if you'd like it if she trimmed/depilated.
posted by pluckemin at 9:29 PM on November 20, 2010 [90 favorites]
I wouldn't give her a spa voucher without talking to her about it first. It would come off as passive-aggressive (to me, anyway). Just say, "I really love going down on you, and I think you're beautiful, sexy, etc. I think it would be really sexy if you waxed/trimmed/whatever. I'm really into that." Maybe suggest helping her out, in a sexy way, if you think she'd be into it.
posted by lexicakes at 9:35 PM on November 20, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by lexicakes at 9:35 PM on November 20, 2010 [5 favorites]
I think if you are reasonable about any objections she may raise (and it's a sensitive area, so for many women, extensive grooming raises a metric ton more issues than it solves), you can bring it up basically as you are suggesting (and others are reinforcing) -- with love and an emphasis on your ability to do better as a result. (I'm saying this as a girl with issues around body image but also around the politics of hair, to phrase it slightly grandiosely.)
But I'm mostly commenting to say *for pete's sake do not take a blade of any sort to her genital area without advance permission* -- like, a day in advance. "Maybe this would be a sexy thing to do on date night tomorrow" is good; "whip[ping] out the scissors" unannounced is not. It can be scary as hell to have someone wielding sharp stuff near you. I flinch at haircuts when they get too close to my ear, so you can imagine how I feel about scissors "down there" -- and while your gf's feelings may be different, you might as well establish that ahead of time. Plus, it gives her time to think about how to phrase the details of where she is and is not okay going, trim-wise.
posted by obliquicity at 9:36 PM on November 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
But I'm mostly commenting to say *for pete's sake do not take a blade of any sort to her genital area without advance permission* -- like, a day in advance. "Maybe this would be a sexy thing to do on date night tomorrow" is good; "whip[ping] out the scissors" unannounced is not. It can be scary as hell to have someone wielding sharp stuff near you. I flinch at haircuts when they get too close to my ear, so you can imagine how I feel about scissors "down there" -- and while your gf's feelings may be different, you might as well establish that ahead of time. Plus, it gives her time to think about how to phrase the details of where she is and is not okay going, trim-wise.
posted by obliquicity at 9:36 PM on November 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Well, I'm a girl who dates girls, so maybe the dynamics are a bit different, but I think it would be fine to casually ask her to trim it. Tell her you love giving her oral sex, but it would be more comfortable for you if her hair were a bit shorter. When I've asked a partner to do this, she was happy to, and I would be happy to trim more if someone asked me to. I really don't see how it's such a big deal. Talking about your likes and dislikes around sex seems like a key part of a relationship, where it's important for both of you to learn to express your needs without anyone feeling judged or criticized.
posted by zahava at 9:38 PM on November 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by zahava at 9:38 PM on November 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think focusing on the length is key here. I would stray away from telling her that you "are into" different grooming procedures. No spa vouchers, no scissors by the shower (!?!?), etc. Straight up, "hey babe, I love giving and receiving oral so much, but you know what would make doing it infinitely more enjoyable for us? If we both trimmed down there!"
posted by two lights above the sea at 10:00 PM on November 20, 2010
posted by two lights above the sea at 10:00 PM on November 20, 2010
Yeah, just tell her that the hair is getting in the way and ask her to trim a little bit. Given your description of her, I think that she would be fine with it if you phrase it in a non-dick way. Especially if it's going to increase your access to her pussy.
(Also, yeah, don't suddenly start chopping around with a sharp pair of scissors near her genitals. This would scare the shit out of me.)
posted by duvatney at 10:10 PM on November 20, 2010
(Also, yeah, don't suddenly start chopping around with a sharp pair of scissors near her genitals. This would scare the shit out of me.)
posted by duvatney at 10:10 PM on November 20, 2010
If she's a woman in her thirties, it's entirely possible that her pubic hair is the result of a choice she's made. Please don't just run out and get her a spa voucher. As a woman in my late twenties who has enough experience shaving completely to know that it's an enormous pain and causes rampant in-grown hairs for me, I'd be completely peeved if you got me a spa voucher with the assumption that I'm going to go *wax*. Because, uh, so not happening.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:18 PM on November 20, 2010 [41 favorites]
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:18 PM on November 20, 2010 [41 favorites]
My experience has been that if you make something (anything, not just grooming) sound like fun and emphasize the intimacy and enjoyment, you are good to go. And if you make it sound like a duty or a chore, something that is owed to you or a result of someone's flaws or imperfections, you are guaranteed resentment and not guaranteed a good result.
I think you are going to have to man up and talk about it, but not in that downer "we need to have a Conversation" kind of way. And compared to some of the really tough conversations that you might eventually need to have, this is easy.
In case repetition helps, I don't think you should preemptively buy a spa voucher (nor attack her with scissors in the shower). However, if the result of your conversation is that she is going to be incurring some costs (such as going to the salon), you should a) offer to pay and b) even if she pays out of her own pocket, find another way to do something nice for her. Women's beauty stuff can be crazy expensive (as well as time-consuming and uncomfortable) -- make sure you aren't making her life more difficult.
posted by Forktine at 10:46 PM on November 20, 2010
I think you are going to have to man up and talk about it, but not in that downer "we need to have a Conversation" kind of way. And compared to some of the really tough conversations that you might eventually need to have, this is easy.
In case repetition helps, I don't think you should preemptively buy a spa voucher (nor attack her with scissors in the shower). However, if the result of your conversation is that she is going to be incurring some costs (such as going to the salon), you should a) offer to pay and b) even if she pays out of her own pocket, find another way to do something nice for her. Women's beauty stuff can be crazy expensive (as well as time-consuming and uncomfortable) -- make sure you aren't making her life more difficult.
posted by Forktine at 10:46 PM on November 20, 2010
You said "she keeps a good amount in control." Does this mean she does trim and just isn't trimming enough? Or does this mean you want her to shave? You don't mention whether you're a man or woman, but I can say as a woman who's shaved once, and only once before, you might not realize how awful and itchy that hair can be growing out.
posted by IndigoRain at 11:32 PM on November 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by IndigoRain at 11:32 PM on November 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Light trimming is totally reasonable to ask for -- just keeping the length under control isn't a big deal for most people. Although keep in mind that even trimming can make things really itchy for some people, so she may be deliberately avoiding it for that reason.
Anything beyond that is not something you should ask her to do. If she decides on her own that she wants to try shaving/waxing/etc, she can go ahead. But giving her an unasked for spa voucher for either of those services? That sounds like a really efficient way to make her feel terrible.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 11:45 PM on November 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
Anything beyond that is not something you should ask her to do. If she decides on her own that she wants to try shaving/waxing/etc, she can go ahead. But giving her an unasked for spa voucher for either of those services? That sounds like a really efficient way to make her feel terrible.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 11:45 PM on November 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
Much like most people, I'm in the "fuck no, don't be bringing out scissors during a shower" - that's a surefire way to freak me the fuck out. And even when you explain yourself, I'll be in the midst of a surprise response so I won't exactly be my usual self.
If she already trims, simply ask if she can trim a bit closer, wherever you are finding yourself stymied.
(it might just be me, but I cannot think of a way to make hair trimming sexy - ugh, I'd be worried about hair getting up in my vagina, sticking to me, stinging if it's shaving and the inevitable shaving rash from hell)
posted by geek anachronism at 12:01 AM on November 21, 2010
If she already trims, simply ask if she can trim a bit closer, wherever you are finding yourself stymied.
(it might just be me, but I cannot think of a way to make hair trimming sexy - ugh, I'd be worried about hair getting up in my vagina, sticking to me, stinging if it's shaving and the inevitable shaving rash from hell)
posted by geek anachronism at 12:01 AM on November 21, 2010
You said she's mentioned your grooming before. Could you wait til the next time she comments and say something like, "I love that you keep things nice and neat down there for me, too, but it would be so superawesome if the hair were a little shorter [wherever you want less hair] because then I could [act that you can't do well because of hair] so much better!"
posted by Night_owl at 12:11 AM on November 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Night_owl at 12:11 AM on November 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yeah, definitely no on the spa gift certificate. That assumes a wax job, which holy good god, NO. Particularly not just because someone gave me a gift card.
Waxing your bits is a really personal decision, it's not for everyone. Giving her a spa card dictates how she's going to deal with the issue.
I would be incredibly pissed off if my partner did that. The "hey, can you trim a bit more?" may be a little awkward, but I'd do it. The spa card would make me question whether I wanted to be with them.
posted by aclevername at 1:08 AM on November 21, 2010 [6 favorites]
Waxing your bits is a really personal decision, it's not for everyone. Giving her a spa card dictates how she's going to deal with the issue.
I would be incredibly pissed off if my partner did that. The "hey, can you trim a bit more?" may be a little awkward, but I'd do it. The spa card would make me question whether I wanted to be with them.
posted by aclevername at 1:08 AM on November 21, 2010 [6 favorites]
I started trimming more when my boyfriend told me, "Dude, I think I've got one of your pubes stuck in my teeth!"
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 2:11 AM on November 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 2:11 AM on November 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Every now and then my husband just bluntly tells me, "You're overdue for a trim." But we're married so there's a certain level of comfort and openness there that might not be present in less-developed relationships.
posted by Jacqueline at 3:34 AM on November 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 3:34 AM on November 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
As a lady with a rather luxuriant amount of undergrowth, I find the idea of a wax to be somewhat on the terrifying side. I know lots of women say it's not that bad but I suspect most of those people were probably dealing with more of a delicate, ladylike little poof and a bit of stray fringe than a rampant jungle thicket.
I wouldn't be offended if my husband nicely asked me to trim things up a bit for ease of performing oral (I do anyway), but if he gave me a spa card to hint that he wanted me to get a brazilian I'd probably wind up using it to get a nice haircut. On my head.
And yes, if he even hinted that my pubic hair was an aesthetic issue for him, I'd be hurt and upset. (Hint: best not to mention in her presence that you think the porn chick with the pubic hair looks "untidy"... *glares pointedly at oblivious husband*)
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:02 AM on November 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
I wouldn't be offended if my husband nicely asked me to trim things up a bit for ease of performing oral (I do anyway), but if he gave me a spa card to hint that he wanted me to get a brazilian I'd probably wind up using it to get a nice haircut. On my head.
And yes, if he even hinted that my pubic hair was an aesthetic issue for him, I'd be hurt and upset. (Hint: best not to mention in her presence that you think the porn chick with the pubic hair looks "untidy"... *glares pointedly at oblivious husband*)
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:02 AM on November 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
+1 PhoBWanKenobi. This sort of thing would make me (mid-30s) start to wonder what sort of inexperienced lulzy little boy I was bonking.
You do remember that not very long ago, nobody futzed with "pubic grooming"? Perhaps a yearly tweeze of a few baddies that would show outside a bathing suit, but cutting the stuff so as to make it itchy in the underpants -- no -- and plenty of people past a certain age still have no truck or trade with this nonsense. ("Esquire" did a survey a few years back; the popularity of pubic grooming does indeed diminish with age, dropping off to relative rarity after 40 or so, IIRC.) And still these fogies manage to have oral sex! Just as people did in pre-"salon" days. Good grief, just use your hands to move the hair aside.
posted by kmennie at 5:51 AM on November 21, 2010 [14 favorites]
You do remember that not very long ago, nobody futzed with "pubic grooming"? Perhaps a yearly tweeze of a few baddies that would show outside a bathing suit, but cutting the stuff so as to make it itchy in the underpants -- no -- and plenty of people past a certain age still have no truck or trade with this nonsense. ("Esquire" did a survey a few years back; the popularity of pubic grooming does indeed diminish with age, dropping off to relative rarity after 40 or so, IIRC.) And still these fogies manage to have oral sex! Just as people did in pre-"salon" days. Good grief, just use your hands to move the hair aside.
posted by kmennie at 5:51 AM on November 21, 2010 [14 favorites]
As a women who struggles with body issues, who has an exuberance of hair growth in the nether regions, and who once had a boyfriend make a similar suggestion, I'd urge caution. Because even though you may be saying "It'd make it easier," she could very likely hear "I find a part of you gross." When you fall outside the female norm in this regard, you are bombarded by a culture and a media that says you are not OK. An intimate relationship should be the one place you can turn to to hear "no, really. you ARE ok."
I'm in my early 40s, and this whole bikini waxing thing is just f'in' bizarre to me.
posted by SomeTrickPony at 6:21 AM on November 21, 2010 [10 favorites]
I'm in my early 40s, and this whole bikini waxing thing is just f'in' bizarre to me.
posted by SomeTrickPony at 6:21 AM on November 21, 2010 [10 favorites]
Whether you do ever say anything to her or not, three months is too soon to suggest any change in her appearance or grooming (unless she's got a poppyseed in her teeth). Suck it up and find a way to enjoy yourself. Why? Because while she might respond enthusiastically, she probably would already be shaving more if that's what she was into. It's much more likely that 1. she may say no, and then you'll just have to find a way to enjoy yourself anyway, or break up, or 2. she may say yes, and feel resentful or embarrassed and that will drain some fun away, or maybe 3. she'll say, "okay, i'll get a brazilian if you wax your balls. deal?"
The only way a suggestion like this is going to fly is if you develop a rich and satisfying sexual history before you you bring it up. That way she doesn't feel like the whole relationship hinges on her bikini wax. (Unless it does, in which case you'd be doing her a favor to make that clear now, before she wastes any more time.)
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:42 AM on November 21, 2010 [5 favorites]
The only way a suggestion like this is going to fly is if you develop a rich and satisfying sexual history before you you bring it up. That way she doesn't feel like the whole relationship hinges on her bikini wax. (Unless it does, in which case you'd be doing her a favor to make that clear now, before she wastes any more time.)
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:42 AM on November 21, 2010 [5 favorites]
She keeps a good amount in control, but down below its a bit thicker than I feel comfortable with, getting somewhat in the way of what I'm doing.
And that's the key element: it gets in the way of what you are doing.
I trim, myself. The vast majority of the women I have dated didn't. But there was this one gal who was ... equatorial-jungle in her growth. I'll be blunt: she had dreadlocks, and they were truly locks to dread. So I broke it down like this: "I can be doing a lot more interesting things with my right hand than keeping hair out of my mouth."
That got the point across, because I'm fairly handsy in bed. If I am having sex and one or more of my hands is not occupied with doing something interesting but more at maintenance, it irritates me. I have this perfectly good hand right here and it's not contributing to the experience. Instead, it's on fur patrol. It's been benched. And then I have to de-immerse myself enough from the experience to concentrate on this particular task when I could just be trying to get into the groove of things.
You can throw in the "I'm not asking you to shave or wax or any nonsense, it's just that this patch here ends up in my mouth here and then I have to keep tossing it out and it's more than a little hard to concentrate on when I'd rather just shut my brain off and enjoy eating you out. Just a preference, and if you'd like to exchange it for anything in particular you want, let's talk." bit if you like.
If she goes for it, then it would be wise for you to back it up with showing that this has, in fact, helped you do what presumably the both of you like to do.
And remember: you are responsible for what you say, other people are responsible for what they hear.
posted by adipocere at 7:27 AM on November 21, 2010 [7 favorites]
And that's the key element: it gets in the way of what you are doing.
I trim, myself. The vast majority of the women I have dated didn't. But there was this one gal who was ... equatorial-jungle in her growth. I'll be blunt: she had dreadlocks, and they were truly locks to dread. So I broke it down like this: "I can be doing a lot more interesting things with my right hand than keeping hair out of my mouth."
That got the point across, because I'm fairly handsy in bed. If I am having sex and one or more of my hands is not occupied with doing something interesting but more at maintenance, it irritates me. I have this perfectly good hand right here and it's not contributing to the experience. Instead, it's on fur patrol. It's been benched. And then I have to de-immerse myself enough from the experience to concentrate on this particular task when I could just be trying to get into the groove of things.
You can throw in the "I'm not asking you to shave or wax or any nonsense, it's just that this patch here ends up in my mouth here and then I have to keep tossing it out and it's more than a little hard to concentrate on when I'd rather just shut my brain off and enjoy eating you out. Just a preference, and if you'd like to exchange it for anything in particular you want, let's talk." bit if you like.
If she goes for it, then it would be wise for you to back it up with showing that this has, in fact, helped you do what presumably the both of you like to do.
And remember: you are responsible for what you say, other people are responsible for what they hear.
posted by adipocere at 7:27 AM on November 21, 2010 [7 favorites]
I think the couple times that past partners have outright asked me to do something like this, they said something as simple as, "You look great no matter what, but getting hair stuck in my teeth kind of slows my technique down, can we do something about it?" For me that shifted it from being a matter of aesthetics to being a matter of logistics, and I was always totally down with that.
Mind you, I'm already pretty confident when it comes to what my sexybits look like -- if a guy actually DID critique me as looking too hairy, I'd probably snort that "other guys haven't complained" and tell him to fuck off -- so I may have been ahead of the game a little. But I do know that it being a logistical concern rather than aesthetic one made me immediately agree that yeah, Something Needed To Be Done.
And if you're looking for a "something to do about it," I just kept things trimmed with a pair of scissors.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:00 AM on November 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Mind you, I'm already pretty confident when it comes to what my sexybits look like -- if a guy actually DID critique me as looking too hairy, I'd probably snort that "other guys haven't complained" and tell him to fuck off -- so I may have been ahead of the game a little. But I do know that it being a logistical concern rather than aesthetic one made me immediately agree that yeah, Something Needed To Be Done.
And if you're looking for a "something to do about it," I just kept things trimmed with a pair of scissors.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:00 AM on November 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Holy sweet jesus don't give her a spa voucher. Getting the hair ripped out of your nether regions all at once is something a lot of people really can't handle.
posted by honeydew at 8:13 AM on November 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by honeydew at 8:13 AM on November 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think the idea of a trimming party with the two of you is hot, and is probably your best bet.
posted by frecklefaerie at 10:26 AM on November 21, 2010
posted by frecklefaerie at 10:26 AM on November 21, 2010
Well, see if she thinks a trimming party is hot. It would be the opposite of hot to me, because I have a bit of a freak-out about edged tools wielded by others.
I really like adipocere's suggestion to be specific. That takes some of the "I want you to look like some other person" curse off the whole discussion. "If you trimmed more closely, it would be easier for me to {whatever she digs}" is very different from "Your pubic hair is too long."
And millionth-ing the whole "Under no circumstances give her a gift certificate to a place that does waxing." She knows that those places exist (unless she has been a cloistered nun for the last twenty years and only recently left the convent) and chooses not to patronize them.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:58 PM on November 21, 2010
I really like adipocere's suggestion to be specific. That takes some of the "I want you to look like some other person" curse off the whole discussion. "If you trimmed more closely, it would be easier for me to {whatever she digs}" is very different from "Your pubic hair is too long."
And millionth-ing the whole "Under no circumstances give her a gift certificate to a place that does waxing." She knows that those places exist (unless she has been a cloistered nun for the last twenty years and only recently left the convent) and chooses not to patronize them.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:58 PM on November 21, 2010
gah DON'T get her a spa voucher! that's so passive agressive!
i started shaving a few years ago and even against trimming -- with bare skin on all my delicate lady parts, the increased sensation is AMAZING. maybe you could tell her about that.
ftr, i'd be super creeped out if my SO suggested a trimming party. we sort of did that when he shaved his beard off recently and it took way longer than we expected, he was super scared I would cut or nick him with the scissors/razor, and little bits of hair got everywhere. (my bathroom, i got to clean it up). so...if you want to do that, don't do it in her bathroom or she might get stressed about the potential mess. and only do it in your bathroom if you want bits of pubes around after.
posted by custard heart at 3:56 PM on November 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
i started shaving a few years ago and even against trimming -- with bare skin on all my delicate lady parts, the increased sensation is AMAZING. maybe you could tell her about that.
ftr, i'd be super creeped out if my SO suggested a trimming party. we sort of did that when he shaved his beard off recently and it took way longer than we expected, he was super scared I would cut or nick him with the scissors/razor, and little bits of hair got everywhere. (my bathroom, i got to clean it up). so...if you want to do that, don't do it in her bathroom or she might get stressed about the potential mess. and only do it in your bathroom if you want bits of pubes around after.
posted by custard heart at 3:56 PM on November 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Mod note: few comments removed - if this pushes issue buttons for you, feel free to go to metatalk to discuss them.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:25 AM on November 22, 2010
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:25 AM on November 22, 2010
My lover has rampant hair, which I do not find to be a problem. At times, I will put a hand, sideways, flat on her vulva and then move it upwards, thereby getting some of the hair out of the way, and at the same time exposing some fun little nooks and crannies in there.
posted by Danf at 11:49 AM on November 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Danf at 11:49 AM on November 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
I tell new lovers:
1. Stubble isn't sexy.
2. Hair up my nose & in my eyes while I go down on you isn't sexy.
3. Groom however you like, but please keep those two in mind.
One lover trimmed her labial area, and kept the triangle short. Most just make a habit of keeping their PH shorter than previously, but not "short" (in my age bracket & social circles, denuding the entire area isn't all that common).
It's not passive-aggressive; it's not pushy; it's not a personal attack on whatever makes them feel sexy & beautiful. Works just fine.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:15 PM on November 22, 2010
1. Stubble isn't sexy.
2. Hair up my nose & in my eyes while I go down on you isn't sexy.
3. Groom however you like, but please keep those two in mind.
One lover trimmed her labial area, and kept the triangle short. Most just make a habit of keeping their PH shorter than previously, but not "short" (in my age bracket & social circles, denuding the entire area isn't all that common).
It's not passive-aggressive; it's not pushy; it's not a personal attack on whatever makes them feel sexy & beautiful. Works just fine.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:15 PM on November 22, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by 2003girl at 9:08 PM on November 20, 2010