Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window and you were in ... the right place at the right time?
November 20, 2010 8:21 PM
How many times have you fallen truly in love? Does falling in love with different people feel different to you? Does it feel different when you fall in love with someone who you're entirely compatible with in terms of life goals?
(I'm sorry if this is too general a question -- I'm pretty new here, so just let me know.)
I'm kind of a relationship late bloomer. I'm in my late twenties and I just broke up with the first person I've been in love with (and the third person I've been in a serious relationship with). I know our break-up was for the best because, much as we love each other and feel deeply connected to each other, we want fundamentally different things in life and in relationships. It's super important to me to share feelings and thoughts, but she has trouble being open about her emotions and needs loads of personal space. I want to have commitment and stability, but she wants the freedom to travel the world on her own. I want to think seriously about having kids in five years, but she doesn't think she'll be ready for 10 or 15 years.
At the same time that there are these incredibly practical important reasons why we shouldn't be together -- why we can't give each other what we need without compromising core parts of ourselves -- I feel this magnetic pull toward her. She's the person who showed me what it feels like to be in love, to feel like the entire world exists just so the two of you can be together, to feel like you would do anything to make your beloved safe and happy, to feel like this love between you is basically the meaning of life. I'm a different, happier, more whole person after having loved her and been loved by her for the past year.
So I know what I'm really asking is: will I fall in love again? And the answer to that is very likely yes, but of course no one can predict the future. But it would help me a lot to hear about other people who actually have fallen in love again. How many times have you fallen in love? Does it feel different each time? Is it different when you are totally compatible and able to commit to each other? If you could go back in time, what would you say to yourself after you lost your first love about how things would turn out romantically for you?
(I'm sorry if this is too general a question -- I'm pretty new here, so just let me know.)
I'm kind of a relationship late bloomer. I'm in my late twenties and I just broke up with the first person I've been in love with (and the third person I've been in a serious relationship with). I know our break-up was for the best because, much as we love each other and feel deeply connected to each other, we want fundamentally different things in life and in relationships. It's super important to me to share feelings and thoughts, but she has trouble being open about her emotions and needs loads of personal space. I want to have commitment and stability, but she wants the freedom to travel the world on her own. I want to think seriously about having kids in five years, but she doesn't think she'll be ready for 10 or 15 years.
At the same time that there are these incredibly practical important reasons why we shouldn't be together -- why we can't give each other what we need without compromising core parts of ourselves -- I feel this magnetic pull toward her. She's the person who showed me what it feels like to be in love, to feel like the entire world exists just so the two of you can be together, to feel like you would do anything to make your beloved safe and happy, to feel like this love between you is basically the meaning of life. I'm a different, happier, more whole person after having loved her and been loved by her for the past year.
So I know what I'm really asking is: will I fall in love again? And the answer to that is very likely yes, but of course no one can predict the future. But it would help me a lot to hear about other people who actually have fallen in love again. How many times have you fallen in love? Does it feel different each time? Is it different when you are totally compatible and able to commit to each other? If you could go back in time, what would you say to yourself after you lost your first love about how things would turn out romantically for you?
(Also, for what it's worth, so far this new guy does seem to share more of my life goals than the other guys ever did. This brings a whole new level of respect into the connection than I've ever experienced before. So yes, I think there IS a difference.)
posted by patronuscharms at 8:43 PM on November 20, 2010
posted by patronuscharms at 8:43 PM on November 20, 2010
Yes, it felt different the two different times I fell in love. And yes, it's tremendously freeing and joyful when you realize that you and your love share compatible values and goals and could continue to grow together for a long time to come. You've chosen well!
posted by ldthomps at 8:50 PM on November 20, 2010
posted by ldthomps at 8:50 PM on November 20, 2010
You can't really stay in love with someone if you don't share their general life goals or values because you are constantly competing for resources within the relationship, it's just really hard and frustrating.
posted by fshgrl at 8:54 PM on November 20, 2010
posted by fshgrl at 8:54 PM on November 20, 2010
One thing I've found is that falling in love with the second person is an entirely different experience to falling in love with the first, and that it's possible to miss it because you're on the lookout for something identical to that first experience. I had a ream of memories of what 'falling in love' felt like, and would rate all new relationships against those criteria. Naturally, they all failed. What I've since realised is that those memories were what falling in love with her was like, and that falling in love with someone else will be an entirely new and exciting experience.
posted by twirlypen at 9:32 PM on November 20, 2010
posted by twirlypen at 9:32 PM on November 20, 2010
I have fallen in love 'several' times. Some, I seized. Two others were close friends, opportunities that I let pass. Even despite the emotional shipwrecks that sometimes resulted from the relationships, it's the opportunities I let pass that I regret.
Yes, the feelings and experiences were different each time, both because I was a different person at different points in my life, and because they were different people. The second was more absorbing than the first. The third lasted much longer. The most painful was the one that arose while I was already in a committed relationship. Being genuinely in love with another person, while you are in a relationship you don't intend to leave, is not a pleasant experience; and I would not recommend it for anyone who is emotionally fragile. But life happens.
If you could go back in time, what would you say to yourself after you lost your first love about how things would turn out romantically for you?
I have no idea how things will "turn out" romantically for me. As I said, life happens: If you are single, you may meet someone tomorrow; if you're married, tomorrow might bring death or divorce. Don't take anything for granted, especially in love.
But if I could go back in time, to a summer afternoon in a parking lot where I remember realizing I had lost my first love, I would probably tell him, "It's going to hurt a lot, for awhile. Get used to that, because it's going to be worse next time. And numbers three and four aren't going to be picnics, either—but with that pain, you buy a lot of experiences and memories that come from loving some spectacular people whom you're going to meet. What sucks right now will continue to suck tomorrow, and the next day. But I remember how it felt, and I can honestly say I wouldn't trade it. Heartbreak is misery, but the only way to avoid it is by not loving. That's too high a price. Trust me that the good is worth the bad."
posted by red clover at 10:20 PM on November 20, 2010
Yes, the feelings and experiences were different each time, both because I was a different person at different points in my life, and because they were different people. The second was more absorbing than the first. The third lasted much longer. The most painful was the one that arose while I was already in a committed relationship. Being genuinely in love with another person, while you are in a relationship you don't intend to leave, is not a pleasant experience; and I would not recommend it for anyone who is emotionally fragile. But life happens.
If you could go back in time, what would you say to yourself after you lost your first love about how things would turn out romantically for you?
I have no idea how things will "turn out" romantically for me. As I said, life happens: If you are single, you may meet someone tomorrow; if you're married, tomorrow might bring death or divorce. Don't take anything for granted, especially in love.
But if I could go back in time, to a summer afternoon in a parking lot where I remember realizing I had lost my first love, I would probably tell him, "It's going to hurt a lot, for awhile. Get used to that, because it's going to be worse next time. And numbers three and four aren't going to be picnics, either—but with that pain, you buy a lot of experiences and memories that come from loving some spectacular people whom you're going to meet. What sucks right now will continue to suck tomorrow, and the next day. But I remember how it felt, and I can honestly say I wouldn't trade it. Heartbreak is misery, but the only way to avoid it is by not loving. That's too high a price. Trust me that the good is worth the bad."
posted by red clover at 10:20 PM on November 20, 2010
I've been in love a few times. Some of them, I'm not so sure of, three of them I am. Each one hurt, when it ended, each one was glorious while it happened. It was worth it every time.
It was different each time. Each time I was a different, more mature person, changed because of the previous relationships. The last time, I thought we had similar conceptions of where we were and where we were going, but it turned out I was wrong. We'll see where the next one takes me.
I'm not going to guarantee that you'll find love again, but honestly, the odds are probably in your favor.
I guess my big message is this: just because it might end (or is going to end, even), doesn't mean that you shouldn't fall in love. It may hurt more at the end, but it is worth it.
posted by Hactar at 10:40 PM on November 20, 2010
It was different each time. Each time I was a different, more mature person, changed because of the previous relationships. The last time, I thought we had similar conceptions of where we were and where we were going, but it turned out I was wrong. We'll see where the next one takes me.
I'm not going to guarantee that you'll find love again, but honestly, the odds are probably in your favor.
I guess my big message is this: just because it might end (or is going to end, even), doesn't mean that you shouldn't fall in love. It may hurt more at the end, but it is worth it.
posted by Hactar at 10:40 PM on November 20, 2010
I love a lot and have fallen "in love" a fair number of times. Each time, for me, has been pretty different. In thinking it over I believe they have been different because I've learned something with each prior Relationship. I try to love people for the things that I value in them, and with each different person that is going to be something different.
Sometimes it has been a great friendship that has deepened into something more. Or like most recently I met someone and had an instant connection with him. In a week's time I love and adore him for particular things.
I try not to think in terms of commitment but more "investment". It may be a short term investment or it may take time to mature. Either way I have something wonderous and amazing in my life.
Love happens when you open up to the possibilities and try not to get stuck on an 'ideal'.
posted by tar0tgr1 at 10:48 PM on November 20, 2010
Sometimes it has been a great friendship that has deepened into something more. Or like most recently I met someone and had an instant connection with him. In a week's time I love and adore him for particular things.
I try not to think in terms of commitment but more "investment". It may be a short term investment or it may take time to mature. Either way I have something wonderous and amazing in my life.
Love happens when you open up to the possibilities and try not to get stuck on an 'ideal'.
posted by tar0tgr1 at 10:48 PM on November 20, 2010
Twice - one was with a person, the other was with life. The latter can be just as intense, which is really what I came here to say.
posted by MillMan at 11:10 PM on November 20, 2010
posted by MillMan at 11:10 PM on November 20, 2010
I've been in love quite a few times-- I fall pretty easily-- and there are parts that are different every time, particularly practical parts, but there's a sort of chemical/emotional part that tends to be similar, though it varies in length and intensity. (The first time I was in love I was 15, though, so it's possible that everything's just turned down in intensity because emotion as a teenager is just so intense and saturated that six months feels like forever and breaking up with my first love felt like the end of the world.)
Red clover says it hurts more each time you lose someone; I find I'm the opposite. It's different when you're losing someone you really love, especially if both of you still love each other and you're breaking up for other reasons, but I find that being heartbroken gets easier every time because I sort of know what to expect-- I know that the world's not ending this time because it didn't end last time, and I already have heartbreak playlists set up.
Patronuscharms is totally right about you having the right attitude. You obviously had a successful relationship even though it didn't last forever, and you grew as a person because of it. I think you'll probably find someone to love because of that more than anything else, because someone who is able to move on from something they love for rational reasons and still appreciate it as an experience that taught them a lot is a pretty desirable partner most of the time.
So yeah, it'll be different, and you'll be hurt again. But every time it'll be worth it and you'll get past the pain and you'll look back at it as a good experience that helped shape you into who you are.
posted by NoraReed at 1:16 AM on November 21, 2010
Red clover says it hurts more each time you lose someone; I find I'm the opposite. It's different when you're losing someone you really love, especially if both of you still love each other and you're breaking up for other reasons, but I find that being heartbroken gets easier every time because I sort of know what to expect-- I know that the world's not ending this time because it didn't end last time, and I already have heartbreak playlists set up.
Patronuscharms is totally right about you having the right attitude. You obviously had a successful relationship even though it didn't last forever, and you grew as a person because of it. I think you'll probably find someone to love because of that more than anything else, because someone who is able to move on from something they love for rational reasons and still appreciate it as an experience that taught them a lot is a pretty desirable partner most of the time.
So yeah, it'll be different, and you'll be hurt again. But every time it'll be worth it and you'll get past the pain and you'll look back at it as a good experience that helped shape you into who you are.
posted by NoraReed at 1:16 AM on November 21, 2010
There were more than two decades between the times I was truly in love. I wouldn't want to go through the intervening years again but I cannot regret the passing of time. My youthful self was passionate, insanely and madly in love but hadn't learnt enough about life. My adult self is still passionate and still capable of falling in love, I discover, but life has enhanced the ability to appreciate the subtler nuances of appreciating fine coffee and dark chocolate. Its been far slower in blooming and the self protections harder to overcome but as it flowers into full form, tonight with the full moon, one wonders if the perfume will overpower the senses into a deeper, richer sense of enchantment.
Yes, you will fall in love again, don't give up hope like I almost did, that's the worst thing you can do to yourself because then you won't recognize it when it tiptoes into your life and scratches, oh so softly at your door.
posted by The Lady is a designer at 4:50 AM on November 21, 2010
Yes, you will fall in love again, don't give up hope like I almost did, that's the worst thing you can do to yourself because then you won't recognize it when it tiptoes into your life and scratches, oh so softly at your door.
posted by The Lady is a designer at 4:50 AM on November 21, 2010
I've fallen in love bunches of times. The intensity of the emotion, in my experience, has absolutely nothing to do with how "life compatible" I was with my lover, and everything to do with how emotionally intense that other person was. Because falling in love (as opposed to staying in love), for me at least, is all about "yay, this person is cool AND THEY REALLY DIG ME YAY", and that feeling is a lot stronger in response to a person who wears their emotions on their sleeves (especially when that emotion is "you are the most wonderful woman on the planet and my world revolves around you").
So, for example, my current (second) husband the lover with whom I've had the most compatible outlook and goals in life. Yet he's also probably the least emotionally demonstrative person I've ever fallen in love with, and it took a lot longer to get to that all-encompassing "wow, I'm really in love" state and it may not have ever been as intense as it was with some previous people.
All this is to say, don't judge the long-term future of a relationship on the intensity of the falling-in-love feeling in the early months of a relationships. It's mostly just chemical trickery to get you to hook up, anyhow. :-)
posted by SomeTrickPony at 6:48 AM on November 21, 2010
So, for example, my current (second) husband the lover with whom I've had the most compatible outlook and goals in life. Yet he's also probably the least emotionally demonstrative person I've ever fallen in love with, and it took a lot longer to get to that all-encompassing "wow, I'm really in love" state and it may not have ever been as intense as it was with some previous people.
All this is to say, don't judge the long-term future of a relationship on the intensity of the falling-in-love feeling in the early months of a relationships. It's mostly just chemical trickery to get you to hook up, anyhow. :-)
posted by SomeTrickPony at 6:48 AM on November 21, 2010
You will more than likely fall in love again. There was a long period of time where I didn't feel it. I suspected this was because I couldn't fall in love again, but it was who I was with.
I'd say that I've fallen in love twice in my life. But if you aksed me fifteen years ago that number would have been much higher.
If I could go back in time and confront my younger self, I would inform her that the first time I fell in love was actually infatuation. That it was based on what I saw in that person rather than reality (and I would march this, my younger self, right back to her little desk and command her to study her brains out for the next ten years and stop getting all distracted by love -er, infatuation!).
posted by marimeko at 7:01 AM on November 21, 2010
I'd say that I've fallen in love twice in my life. But if you aksed me fifteen years ago that number would have been much higher.
If I could go back in time and confront my younger self, I would inform her that the first time I fell in love was actually infatuation. That it was based on what I saw in that person rather than reality (and I would march this, my younger self, right back to her little desk and command her to study her brains out for the next ten years and stop getting all distracted by love -er, infatuation!).
posted by marimeko at 7:01 AM on November 21, 2010
After reading marimeko's comment to her younger self, I wonder if its also the case that youthful love seeks perfection having known no different, and matured love goes weak in the knees for the little quirks and oddities?
posted by The Lady is a designer at 7:14 AM on November 21, 2010
posted by The Lady is a designer at 7:14 AM on November 21, 2010
This may have been said already, but love seems to be different with different people, but also at different ages on one's life. The love I felt for my pre-marriage boyfriends was different from the love for my (now ex-husband), which was much different in the post-divorce relationships. A lot of the way one loves is wrapped up in where they are in their lives. Love in my 40s (now) is quite different from previous decades.
I've been through a few LTRs in the past 10 years, and each one helped me grow as a person. And honestly, I have a lot of gratitude to those people for their role in the relationship. Yes, there was both joy and heartbreak. Which enabled me to break free of old patterns, ultimately bringing me to a richer understanding of what love (for me) is.
posted by sundrop at 8:21 AM on November 21, 2010
I've been through a few LTRs in the past 10 years, and each one helped me grow as a person. And honestly, I have a lot of gratitude to those people for their role in the relationship. Yes, there was both joy and heartbreak. Which enabled me to break free of old patterns, ultimately bringing me to a richer understanding of what love (for me) is.
posted by sundrop at 8:21 AM on November 21, 2010
I've considered myself as being in love a few times, although looking back I view some experiences as being more valid than others. The first time was what I would consider true love (to borrow an overused phrase), both because it was a healthy, well-matched relationship and because of the depth of the emotion. Everything after that, until my current relationship, was more an internal desperation to re-achieve that level of emotion than it was a state of genuine love. Affection and obsession, sure—and I get (and even agree with, to an extent) the argument that if you think you're in love, you are, because it's a state of being, not some measurable scale—but not real, head-over-heels crazy love.
That said, my current experience, which fell into my lap at the tail end of the most emotionally damaging relationship of my life (after which I was very much comfortable with the idea of never being with anyone again), has blown even that first experience out of the water. So, while I'd say those middle experiences were all pretty much the same, falling in love can certainly feel different each time. And I'd venture to say that there are definitely different levels of true, genuine love, as well. I was crazy about that first guy. I would have married him in a heartbeat; things only ended because I was too young to appreciate how special our relationship was (really, how much can you know at 16?). But even that doesn't touch what I have now, with someone with whom I have so very much in common, both in terms of general interests and long-term desires. Now, I'm not suggesting that that's why it's better, but it definitely helps.
The moral of this somewhat convoluted story: You can (and probably even will) fall in love again, despite how you're feeling now. It will probably happen when you least expect it to. It will probably feel somewhat different. And it might even be better. (Huzzah!)
posted by divisjm at 9:03 AM on November 21, 2010
That said, my current experience, which fell into my lap at the tail end of the most emotionally damaging relationship of my life (after which I was very much comfortable with the idea of never being with anyone again), has blown even that first experience out of the water. So, while I'd say those middle experiences were all pretty much the same, falling in love can certainly feel different each time. And I'd venture to say that there are definitely different levels of true, genuine love, as well. I was crazy about that first guy. I would have married him in a heartbeat; things only ended because I was too young to appreciate how special our relationship was (really, how much can you know at 16?). But even that doesn't touch what I have now, with someone with whom I have so very much in common, both in terms of general interests and long-term desires. Now, I'm not suggesting that that's why it's better, but it definitely helps.
The moral of this somewhat convoluted story: You can (and probably even will) fall in love again, despite how you're feeling now. It will probably happen when you least expect it to. It will probably feel somewhat different. And it might even be better. (Huzzah!)
posted by divisjm at 9:03 AM on November 21, 2010
I would say that falling in love (and being in love) requires a decision. You may not meet another person for a while who you connect with on that level, but if you decide keep an open heart and allow that it might happen again, it is always possible to fall in love. And without it subtracting from or demeaning your feelings for your previous partner, which were unique to that situation and the people who shared it. No two people experience the world in the same way, which is why falling in love is so wonderful - there is always more to learn, it is always a new experience. I'm going to echo others here and say that the more relationships you have the more you learn to never take anything for granted and appreciate the little things. Ageing Well puts it as ''When we are old, our lives will become the sum of all whom we have loved. It is important not to waste anyone'. I think, if you never give up hope, there is always a chance.
posted by everydayanewday at 2:29 PM on November 21, 2010
posted by everydayanewday at 2:29 PM on November 21, 2010
Great question.
I've been in love 4 times in my life so far - I'm in my late 20s. To an extent, yes, it feels different each time - they were different women and I was a bit of a different person each time, so I approached it a bit differently from one to the next. But a significant portion of it was exactly the same - the emotions, the thought processes, etc. It's a bit hard to express, but I think what I mean is clear.
To put it very simply (much more detail/nuance than these descriptions reveal):
#1 didn't work out because she started doing things that made me think she was a much different person than the one I fell in love with. I didn't know how to handle that, I felt lied to and cheated, it broke my heart, and I broke up with her. If I had been able to see things more clearly, I would have seen that she was going through some serious issues, and was crying for help. In my defense, I was 15, and she was 18.
If I could go back in time and talk to 15-year old me in the middle of that, I would have told him that I was about to discover that loving people can be hard. That I was more able to love hurting people than I thought, and if I would choose to step up and do so at that time, then I would respect myself a lot more later in life. That there were going to be plenty of romantic opportunities for me down the track.
Best of luck.
posted by hootenatty at 3:59 PM on November 21, 2010
I've been in love 4 times in my life so far - I'm in my late 20s. To an extent, yes, it feels different each time - they were different women and I was a bit of a different person each time, so I approached it a bit differently from one to the next. But a significant portion of it was exactly the same - the emotions, the thought processes, etc. It's a bit hard to express, but I think what I mean is clear.
To put it very simply (much more detail/nuance than these descriptions reveal):
#1 didn't work out because she started doing things that made me think she was a much different person than the one I fell in love with. I didn't know how to handle that, I felt lied to and cheated, it broke my heart, and I broke up with her. If I had been able to see things more clearly, I would have seen that she was going through some serious issues, and was crying for help. In my defense, I was 15, and she was 18.
If I could go back in time and talk to 15-year old me in the middle of that, I would have told him that I was about to discover that loving people can be hard. That I was more able to love hurting people than I thought, and if I would choose to step up and do so at that time, then I would respect myself a lot more later in life. That there were going to be plenty of romantic opportunities for me down the track.
Best of luck.
posted by hootenatty at 3:59 PM on November 21, 2010
Yes.
If it's winter now, Summer will come again. So don't throw out your beach toys, 'cause you *will* be needing them. Next July might not be as sunny as this year, but maybe you'll get less rain in June. The differences are what make it fun.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:57 AM on November 22, 2010
If it's winter now, Summer will come again. So don't throw out your beach toys, 'cause you *will* be needing them. Next July might not be as sunny as this year, but maybe you'll get less rain in June. The differences are what make it fun.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:57 AM on November 22, 2010
If you could go back in time, what would you say to yourself after you lost your first love about how things would turn out romantically for you?
Hang tight, younger self: you aren't cursed or broken, you just need some work, and by some, I mean a lot. Also there is no need to privilege either the slow burn or the punch in the throat, because both of those are legit.
posted by clavicle at 11:07 AM on November 22, 2010
Hang tight, younger self: you aren't cursed or broken, you just need some work, and by some, I mean a lot. Also there is no need to privilege either the slow burn or the punch in the throat, because both of those are legit.
posted by clavicle at 11:07 AM on November 22, 2010
My first love was a completely destructive relationship, but I learned how to be a patient person. I learned how to look at things from another point of view and, more importantly, after our breakup, I learned that I can't control everything. My second love was more devastating than the first, but I learned to be comfortable in my own skin. I learned to pick myself over the guy and, my favorite thing, I learned to cook.
After my second love, I had absolutely no idea what to do next and after 8 months, life has never been better. After all of the shenanigans (the restraining orders, the theft, the lost money, and the lost friends), I would tell myself: you're getting the better end of the deal. Everything lost (the time, money, wasted efforts, etc.) was not worth the life I have now. I never looked at my exes with good thoughts until now and know that I will definitely love again and probably as a better person to someone who deserves it.
Cheers to such an optimistic outlook!
posted by penguingrl at 11:45 PM on November 28, 2010
After my second love, I had absolutely no idea what to do next and after 8 months, life has never been better. After all of the shenanigans (the restraining orders, the theft, the lost money, and the lost friends), I would tell myself: you're getting the better end of the deal. Everything lost (the time, money, wasted efforts, etc.) was not worth the life I have now. I never looked at my exes with good thoughts until now and know that I will definitely love again and probably as a better person to someone who deserves it.
Cheers to such an optimistic outlook!
posted by penguingrl at 11:45 PM on November 28, 2010
Thank you all for your responses! Reading them brings (relieved, hopeful, sincere) tears to my eyes. I'm sure I'll be looking back at this to learn more over the coming months.
posted by zahava at 5:34 PM on January 2, 2011
posted by zahava at 5:34 PM on January 2, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
For me, I've fallen in love twice, because I was too young to know any better. ;) And yes! Each time was completely different. I feel like there's something biological at work there, in addition to the usual mental and emotional chemistry factors. Now I've met someone new, and this experience is markedly different than even the first two times. It's a trip, you know? I think the major difference this time is that the love/affection/admiration is much more equal, and that is exhilarating and so much more satisfying. I don't know where this new connection will go, but I'm determined just to enjoy the journey, because last time I didn't.
[/awkwardly articulated comment from a closet romantic]
posted by patronuscharms at 8:38 PM on November 20, 2010