Wait theyve been sleeping together this whole time
October 25, 2010 1:13 PM Subscribe
Am I over-reacting to new information about my boyfriend's relationship history? Which involves his current roommate?
posted by missmary6 to human relations (71 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
I need a random-people-on-the-internet straw poll.
I met "John" on vacation two months ago. We are both in our late 20s. We had such a magical week together that we (probably crazily, I know) are trying to romantically keep in touch. We Skype every day and email. We've already seen each other again, despite an ocean between us. So far, the distance is not a problem.
John lives with "Nancy." They've lived together for three years. They used to date, something that began after they'd moved in together as friends. They continued to live together after the break-up. They are really good friends, and have been though a lot together. I am comfortable with all of this.
I am visiting John in a few weeks. I am staying at his apartment. When I first met John, Nancy was on vacation. I have not met her because when we saw each other a couple weeks ago we met in a different country. (I know! I've become a jet-setter!)
Last night we were on the phone, and I said I was really excited to meet Nancy. John admitted that Nancy is NOT excited to meet me. This led me to ask a few more questions about their relationship. I'd figured his past relationship was none of my business, but I was curious why Nancy wasn't comfortable with me visiting.
I learned the following: They've still been sleeping together. They've lived together for three years: dated for the first one, and have been occasionally sleeping together for TWO YEARS. Sure, they've dated other people, but every so often they'd end up having sex when single. John has not had a serious relationship in the past two years.
I trust him not to cheat on me - maybe I'm crazy for thinking that. He REALLY likes me, and has said that he doesn't like dating casually, and would not attempt to do something so impractical with me long-distance if he didn't want to give it a full shot.
I am weirded out that he has slept with Nancy for two years, which is a long time. In my gut, this is a red flag in his behavior and makes me see things in a different light. The last night of my vacation, we stayed at his friend's house because Nancy had arrived home that night. He said he wanted our last night to be just us (something I know is still true), but also that he didn't want to explain me to Nancy. Now, I see he didn't want to EXPLAIN me to Nancy, if you know what I mean.
John also clearly stated that he doesn't enjoy casual sex. To me, this means occasional sex with Nancy is not a random, blow-off-steam event.
Am I over-reacting? Do I need to be reminded that relationships are messy, and it doesn't matter WHAT he did before he met me? Or, am I right to be weirded out by this, especially since it's clear Nancy isn't happy I exist?