Space case
October 13, 2010 12:07 PM   Subscribe

How do I keep my cool with houseguests...if one of them is my boyfriend?

Some background: I consider myself an introvert who's pretty social--I like time alone but I also enjoy going out to dinner, parties, etc, with one friend or with a group. I live in a major city and often friends will want to visit me, or to stay with me while they have other business in the city. I like my friends (of course!), but I've learned that if they're around constantly for more than a day or two, I start to feel the need for my own space, at least for a couple of hours. I feel like I can explain this to some people without offending them; others, not as much.

My main problem is that I occasionally feel this way about my boyfriend. We are long-distance (a couple hours away) so generally do not see each other during the week but will visit during the weekend. Usually this is great. But on longer visits, I find myself in this sort of twitchy, need-my-space zone after 48 hours or so. I really like my boyfriend and do not like the way I feel when I need space. As far as I can tell, it's about me, not about him, since I wind up feeling this way about everyone who stays for a few days. I used to imagine that when I was dating the right person, I wouldn't feel this way, but I suspect it's a part of who I am, regardless of my fabulous significant other. So please don't tell me I should break up with my boyfriend if he makes me feel like that.

In short: Is there a nice way to explain my need for space to my boyfriend, or a way to deal internally with my need for it? Any suggestions much appreciated.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
I feel the same way you do and my SO have an arrangement which lets him do his own stuff at my place. We've set up stuff for him to do if I need space... He can play WOW while I do the dishes, he can go to the bookstore and I can go to the gym, etc. We've already had this talk and I think leaning on the "I'm an introvert" thing makes it feel less like you're saying "I'm so sick of you!" and more like, "I like you but I need space until [2 hours later]."
posted by ShadePlant at 12:10 PM on October 13, 2010


I need a lot of alone time too and I'm married. I simply explained my needs to my wife and we learned to negotiate. She often goes out and does things without me and I often go with her even if I really don't want to. It's a compromise.

I get a good portion of my alone time from working from home when possible (she works out of the house) and from staying up a few hours later.
posted by callmejay at 12:13 PM on October 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


I'm this way, and I live with my boyfriend who is not at all this way. When he moved in with, we had a talk where I said, "Hey, listen, you know I am not a people person the way you are. I *love* spending time with you and want to spend lots and lots of time with you, but every once and a while I need a break from people. Not from you, specifically, but just a couple hours alone without another human being involved. I'll let you know when I need it, and I promise this time by myself will make our relationship even better, and make me a happier person."

He was fine with it, and I really didn't say much more than I typed above. I've needed the alone time less and less as the relationship has progressed, but when I am tired and overwhelmed, it is nice to know that I can go out for a run by myself, or for a walk, or out to the coffee shop or ______ without causing offense.
posted by charmedimsure at 12:14 PM on October 13, 2010 [3 favorites]


Make sure he reads this short article, Caring for Your Introvert, then talk to him. This advice is based on him being an extrovert, but you don't say. Maybe he's an introvert also and would easily understand?

Either way, make sure he understands what an introvert is, that we recharge our mental/emotional batteries in a way that is different from the majority and it's nothing personal about him.
posted by nomadicink at 12:16 PM on October 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


I'm an introvert need a lot of downtime. Fortunately my husband and I are pretty similar in this as well as what we like to do during downtime so living with him doesn't make me twitchy. When I do need that time alone though, I go read a book or watch tv by myself etc.

I had a conversation with him when we first started living together that I needed Kimberly time sometimes and it didn't have anything to do with him, it's just the way I am. He didn't take it personally and when I tell him I need some Kimberly time he has no problem entertaining himself.

I've also noticed that if we are busy or particularly social, I need even more downtime than usual. Maybe if you limit how often people can stay with you, it will be easier to spend time with your boyfriend. It's ok to have priorities and boundaries like that--we rarely have people stay with us unless we are particularly close with them and then for only a relatively short period of time. Just make sure you have some go to excuses ready in advance.
posted by Kimberly at 12:17 PM on October 13, 2010


Oh man, do not say to him 'It's not you, it's me'. Every time I've heard it used, it's set off massive red flags and puts people on edge. Significant Others, friends, relatives -- they instantly go on the defensive. Bad idea to say. On to the good:

Suggesting a couple hours of quiet time, taking a loooooong bath, going out shopping (for clothes, smelly girly crap, hell even groceries) can help. What Kimberly said -- 'me time'. I have intermittent social anxiety that stretched even to my SO, so I'd tell 'em I was gonna go hide and read for a couple hours and that was the signal that I just needed to decompress.

Finding out things that he can do by himself while you're doing your own thing would help too, so he doesn't feel like you're just ditching him for no good reason.
posted by Heretical at 12:33 PM on October 13, 2010


Be up front and honest. My wife knows I need my space and it hasn't caused us any problems.
posted by Silvertree at 12:35 PM on October 13, 2010


I've been through this - I'm the introvert of the two of us, and when we started out, we were together EVERY weekend, and it really became a grind. Once we switched to every other weekend, it was 100x better.
posted by willmize at 12:36 PM on October 13, 2010


Do you always do things together when you are in the same area? If you do then maybe you could try instead each doing some different activities in the same area - like you are reading while he is surfing the internet, or you are gardening while he paints something.

I agree that having to constantly engage and interact with your SO can be very exhausting, but just them being around should also have a non-stressful relaxing component otherwise when you live together you will not ever feel quite "at home".

I think once you are used to someone and comfortable you might be able to get that "alone time" feeling without needing to go off into the wilderness.
posted by meepmeow at 12:40 PM on October 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


It's totally normal. I'd bet extroverts would get twitchy after 48 straight hours with the same person, too. Who knows, maybe he feels the same way but doesn't recognize it, can't figure out how to explain it politely, or is trying to push through it because he likes you so much.

I'd explain it like so: "I need X amount of alone time approximately every Y hours to decompress. I'm like this around everyone, even my favorite people in the world like you. Being alone recharges my brain and ultimately lets me enjoy the time with you I have even more. Do you get that way, too? Let's figure out a way to signal that one of us needs alone time without making the other person feel rejected or excluded, because that's the last thing I want to do."

Note that if you and the boyfriend move in together, this is something you'll have to keep in mind. Learning to be by yourself with your significant other in the same room is a worthwhile skill to develop.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:42 PM on October 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


Mod note: From the OP:
I forgot to specify that my boyfriend is also an introvert, even more so than I am, but as far as I can tell he does not mind me for 48 continuous hours (can't imagine why :P).

I wouldn't say "it's not you, it's me" to him--that's just an explanation for my post.

Thanks for the helpful replies. It's reassuring to hear that other people are in the same situation.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:50 PM on October 13, 2010


It's funny - I was always this way with boyfriends, but it changed completely when I actually moved in with my boyfriend (now husband). There's a difference between having a guest and having a roommate (though I have had plenty of awful roommates). I suppose you end up being able to have alone time together since you both just happen to occupy the same space, and you can each have your own physical space within the house or apartment. You can develop rules and rituals. May not help with your current situation, but for the future...
posted by beyond_pink at 12:54 PM on October 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


Yeah, as others said, it's normal. I'm similar.

In my experience, most well-adjusted adults have either figured this out outright or have an inkling that some people are like this. Since your SO is an introvert also, it should be a relatively easy conversation. At any rate, it doesn't sound like he would need any convincing.

Just pick the right time and explain it in the ways described above, and everything should be fine.
posted by hootenatty at 12:58 PM on October 13, 2010


Not only is my husband JUST LIKE this -- and we've been together for fifteen years -- but about six or so years into our relationship, I discovered that I was *also* like this, despite being the outiest extrovert that ever extro'ed her way out of Vertville.

It's fine, it's cool, it's normal. The trick is to present it as something that's all of those things, something that you just need, like a shower or a morning cup of coffee. I recommend "Hey, I'm gonna need some quiet/me time in order to not get all scratchy and weird. Do you have a computer game you could play or something while I take a long bubble bath Sunday morning?" Or whatever.
posted by KathrynT at 1:20 PM on October 13, 2010


Me and my boyfriend are like this (same distance away too, so I get the "ack, we have 48 hours but I want four of them to myself!" feeling) but there is one big difference: he sleeps more than I do. This means in the morning I usually wake up a little earlier and have some time in the house to drink coffee and do my stuff all by myself. In the afternoons, if I've got work to do or something requires my attention, he can just head over to the couch and nap. It's weird, but somehow him being asleep is a totally fine way for me to get alone time, whereas if he's sitting around sort of being busy while I'm doing stuff, it's not really the same. At his place sometimes we work this out by one of us making dinner or making a food run while the other one hangs out and get some quiet/downtime. Since I'm cheerier if I've had this decompression time [I'll sometimes just say 'ok I need a cone of silence for about 45 minutes'] this is really win/win for both of us.
posted by jessamyn at 2:23 PM on October 13, 2010 [2 favorites]


Tons of people are like this. Be open and honest about it, and it should be fine -- and if he's the type to get upset about you needing alone time, it's not going to last, because you often need alone time. Might as well find out now.
posted by davejay at 2:41 PM on October 13, 2010


Hi, I'm your boyfriend. Well, based on your description I *could* be, except I'm a little farther from my SO...

Anyway, if he's an introvert, I strongly suspect that he'll welcome the idea of a little "me time" during the visit. In fact, I'm surprised that you're at all hesitant to bring this idea up even though you both know you're introverts - i.e., the type of people who would appreciate "me time." He may seem very happy with the current state of things, but he still may feel this need a little bit. And even if it hasn't crossed his mind, he's likely to be interested or at least not confused by it since he's a introvert too.

I'd say just treat it like a very normal conversation to have, like "would you like to go to the park next time you're in town?" Don't make a huge deal out of it, just mention it as a pretty normal activity, albeit one that *could* get slightly touchy. And once you have the conversation, make sure you schedule the downtime (with a couple hours' leeway) so he doesn't feel like you just drop the bomb on him randomly. Maybe plan it for right in the middle of the visit so you still have lots of time together afterwards?

Also, have you tried watching TV together? I didn't think that was going to be a great couples activity, but my SO and I found that it's a great way to shut up and take the focus off of interaction, while still technically spending time together.
posted by Tehhund at 2:45 PM on October 13, 2010


My husband and I understand that we each have a certain reservoir of "people energy", and when it's used up we need alone time. If one of us says "sorry, I'm peopled out right now," the other understands and buggers off - he'll go out or zone out in a game with his headphones on if I need alone time, or I'll go out for a coffee or shopping if he needs alone time (because I'm really bad about leaving him alone if I stay home because I'm so absent-minded.).
As long as you both understand that it's just a people-energy battery that needs recharging from time to time, it's something that can be handled without offense.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 2:48 PM on October 13, 2010


In long distance relationships and even visits from friends, there is often a lot of pressure to make every minute count. When you can't easily get together with someone, when you do get together you might feel like you always have to be "on." I'm not sure if this is happening with you, but you want want to discuss the idea of having downtown with your boyfriend. Plan a couple of days where you both just lay around and relax.

I'm an introvert too and I think your feelings are perfectly normal. I need time to refresh my mind after socializing and that involves alone time. My boyfriend is similar. If your boyfriend is an introvert, he might also feel the same way as you, but also hasn't figured out a way to talk to you about it.
posted by parakeetdog at 9:29 PM on October 13, 2010


I feel the same way. It's a source of constant tension with my partners - many people (women exclusively in my boring, straight case but I'm sure it applies to men as well) just take it personally if I say "I don't want to stay over tonight" when I don't have a particularly pressing reason other than just wanting a night by myself.

After learning the hard way and really upsetting people, it's now something I'm very upfront about when I start seeing someone new. That doesn't always make it easy for them to understand, but it DOES mean you're being consistently honest from day one. Which is always the best behaviour when it comes to relationships anyway.
posted by Ted Maul at 2:39 AM on October 14, 2010


I often phrase things in terms of laying out plans for the rest of the weekend - if my husband's in a very "we" mode (what do you want to do this afternoon? we could watch a movie, or we could work on that project, or we could...) I can reply with "oh, I'd like to do that together, but before we do, I'd like to spend some time decompressing by myself, that way I can enjoy it better" Basically say that I'm planning to spend time paying attention to him in the near future and that first I'd like to go in the other room and read my book, do some email, etc. "in the other room" is a useful phrase, because it isn't anyplace specific, and can imply being where he's not without saying you need him to not be there.
posted by aimedwander at 2:41 PM on October 14, 2010


« Older TAKE YOUR DIRTY HANDS OFF MY UMTHONDO WISIZWE!   |   Please help me fix this faucet fast! Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.