at least she's not a cat lady?
September 1, 2010 8:03 PM Subscribe
My 38 year-old sister is a bit of a train wreck. A dog-obsessed train wreck. How can I help?
This will be a little lengthy, I apologize. My older sister moved to Phoenix with me about 6 years ago. She was 30 at the time and had only lived away from home to go to school, after which she came back. I moved from Phoenix after a year to go back to school. She decided to stay, mostly because of a guy she had met.
Guy was a complete douchebag (told her that from the start, didn't matter). He cheated on her while they lived together (in the house they shared no less!), and then married the girl he cheated with. It was at this point that my sister got kicked out of the house, because the wife didn't want her there, I guess. I am not sure because after listening to my sister go on and on about how great this guy was, I told her that I didn't want to hear another word about him ever again, unless he died. So she never talked to me about him, all I know came from what my younger sister told me. It seems, though, that her life and all social activities revolved around this guy, and she formed all of her interests around what he liked. She spent tons of money on him. He loved golf, and had convinced her that he would go pro (at 35), so she bought him all sorts of golf equipment and apparel and became really interested in golf. They would play 5 days a week, and with $50-$75 tee times, this adds up. She was making $10 an hour - I do her taxes- so she was definitely living beyond her means then. When he cheated, her life was shattered. (an aside: when she was with him, I think she was doing meth, because her skin took on the 'speedbumps' look, and it had never looked like that. When I lived with her she went from a size 16 to a size 2 in 6 months, no dieting or exercising. I am not sure about the drug use, it just seems to fit)
So 2 years ago, older sister, flat broke and with not too many options, asked my parents if she could move in to get back on her feet. They said yes, but you can only bring 1 dog with you (she had picked up 4 total). She showed up at my parents house with all 4 dogs. 3 are pit bull rescues, including one male with a bite history that does not get along with the other male, so one has to be crated while the other is out. My parents decided that it was going to be short term, so they could handle it. She was supposed to get a job, file bankruptcy, and get back on her feet.
She has a job that pays minimum wage and is part-time. I understand that the economy is bad, but her job searching efforts are lackluster at best. She has an idea of the ideal job that she wants, and will take no less than that. She has not filed for bankruptcy. She has told me that she has significant debt (around $40k, I believe). So not making any headway there. She has absolutely no friends or social life. She doesn't seem to be interested in moving out or moving on with life. Nothing interests her. Except...for the dogs.
This is where a larger problem (in my opinion) comes in. I love dogs, and I love my dogs (and cats!), but she is obsessed with dogs. All she talks about are dogs. Her part-time job is as a receptionist at a dog training facility, which apparently makes her an expert on dog training. She has a photography degree, and takes pictures of...dogs. She does dog artwork. And her whole life revolves around her dogs. She comes home every 4 hours to make sure that they are ok, so she can't travel very far for a job or work more than 4 hours at a time. Her life consists of going to work, spending time with her dogs, and playing on the computer.
My younger sister lives close to my parents, so she tried to include older sister in social activities. All she talked about was dogs. My younger sister is sick of it. We are both concerned for older sister, but don't know what to do. My parents, especially my mom, are enabling her. They don't set deadlines or require anything of her. My dad, who had just retired when older sister moved back into the house, is depressed and miserable because he hates her dogs (not all dogs, just hers, because they are ill-behaved and bark and bark and bark incessantly). My sister seems to blame my dad for all of her problems, so she rarely speaks to him. My mom is the chief enabler, and just throws her hands up and talks about how her children are miserable failures (which just pisses me off. I am not miserable or a failure. I have a good job and am going to professional school. That's beside the point.). Mom is also hostile towards dad for being depressed, but mom is a whole different bundle of madness that is reserved for another question on another day.
Add to this wonderful pile what I found out yesterday from younger sister: Even though I had given older sister inexpensive sources of heartworm preventative, there was a "lapse" in giving the dogs meds. She took one in for shots, and it is heartworm positive. Treatment is about $800. She can ill afford this. The mosquito populations have been booming in their area, and I would be willing to bet that the other dogs are also HW positive. How is she paying for this? (I asked my mom, she didn't know, so not mom & dad) She is likely putting it on a credit card, further adding to her debt.
I have tried to help her by suggesting jobs (Wedding photography? "I hate brides." Other suggestions met with same attitude). She is becoming more and more antisocial and is always saying that people are stupid assholes and they don't understand dogs, etc. She has either alienated all of her former friends, or they moved forward (married, kids, jobs) and she chooses not to interact with them. I offered to help her with a budget (super number cruncher!), and she is not interested. In fact, she bought herself a $200 pair of boots and a new (expensive) Ipod since last December (and other things as well, my younger sister says). She has champagne tastes on a very cheap beer budget.
My younger sister and I are both very concerned. When I talked to younger sister today, she thought that maybe I should contact older sister's former "bff" and find out if she may be able to help her. My older sister will not listen to any family members. She refuses to discuss anything, and becomes hostile. Maybe former bff can suggest help? I really think my sister needs therapy (at the least), and a giant kick in the ass. She is not in charge of her life at all. How can I help her? Has anyone had a similar situation? I want my sister to have a good life, and she is swirling around in misery. Any suggestions? Throw-away email is sisterdoggydogg@gmail.com. Thank you.
This will be a little lengthy, I apologize. My older sister moved to Phoenix with me about 6 years ago. She was 30 at the time and had only lived away from home to go to school, after which she came back. I moved from Phoenix after a year to go back to school. She decided to stay, mostly because of a guy she had met.
Guy was a complete douchebag (told her that from the start, didn't matter). He cheated on her while they lived together (in the house they shared no less!), and then married the girl he cheated with. It was at this point that my sister got kicked out of the house, because the wife didn't want her there, I guess. I am not sure because after listening to my sister go on and on about how great this guy was, I told her that I didn't want to hear another word about him ever again, unless he died. So she never talked to me about him, all I know came from what my younger sister told me. It seems, though, that her life and all social activities revolved around this guy, and she formed all of her interests around what he liked. She spent tons of money on him. He loved golf, and had convinced her that he would go pro (at 35), so she bought him all sorts of golf equipment and apparel and became really interested in golf. They would play 5 days a week, and with $50-$75 tee times, this adds up. She was making $10 an hour - I do her taxes- so she was definitely living beyond her means then. When he cheated, her life was shattered. (an aside: when she was with him, I think she was doing meth, because her skin took on the 'speedbumps' look, and it had never looked like that. When I lived with her she went from a size 16 to a size 2 in 6 months, no dieting or exercising. I am not sure about the drug use, it just seems to fit)
So 2 years ago, older sister, flat broke and with not too many options, asked my parents if she could move in to get back on her feet. They said yes, but you can only bring 1 dog with you (she had picked up 4 total). She showed up at my parents house with all 4 dogs. 3 are pit bull rescues, including one male with a bite history that does not get along with the other male, so one has to be crated while the other is out. My parents decided that it was going to be short term, so they could handle it. She was supposed to get a job, file bankruptcy, and get back on her feet.
She has a job that pays minimum wage and is part-time. I understand that the economy is bad, but her job searching efforts are lackluster at best. She has an idea of the ideal job that she wants, and will take no less than that. She has not filed for bankruptcy. She has told me that she has significant debt (around $40k, I believe). So not making any headway there. She has absolutely no friends or social life. She doesn't seem to be interested in moving out or moving on with life. Nothing interests her. Except...for the dogs.
This is where a larger problem (in my opinion) comes in. I love dogs, and I love my dogs (and cats!), but she is obsessed with dogs. All she talks about are dogs. Her part-time job is as a receptionist at a dog training facility, which apparently makes her an expert on dog training. She has a photography degree, and takes pictures of...dogs. She does dog artwork. And her whole life revolves around her dogs. She comes home every 4 hours to make sure that they are ok, so she can't travel very far for a job or work more than 4 hours at a time. Her life consists of going to work, spending time with her dogs, and playing on the computer.
My younger sister lives close to my parents, so she tried to include older sister in social activities. All she talked about was dogs. My younger sister is sick of it. We are both concerned for older sister, but don't know what to do. My parents, especially my mom, are enabling her. They don't set deadlines or require anything of her. My dad, who had just retired when older sister moved back into the house, is depressed and miserable because he hates her dogs (not all dogs, just hers, because they are ill-behaved and bark and bark and bark incessantly). My sister seems to blame my dad for all of her problems, so she rarely speaks to him. My mom is the chief enabler, and just throws her hands up and talks about how her children are miserable failures (which just pisses me off. I am not miserable or a failure. I have a good job and am going to professional school. That's beside the point.). Mom is also hostile towards dad for being depressed, but mom is a whole different bundle of madness that is reserved for another question on another day.
Add to this wonderful pile what I found out yesterday from younger sister: Even though I had given older sister inexpensive sources of heartworm preventative, there was a "lapse" in giving the dogs meds. She took one in for shots, and it is heartworm positive. Treatment is about $800. She can ill afford this. The mosquito populations have been booming in their area, and I would be willing to bet that the other dogs are also HW positive. How is she paying for this? (I asked my mom, she didn't know, so not mom & dad) She is likely putting it on a credit card, further adding to her debt.
I have tried to help her by suggesting jobs (Wedding photography? "I hate brides." Other suggestions met with same attitude). She is becoming more and more antisocial and is always saying that people are stupid assholes and they don't understand dogs, etc. She has either alienated all of her former friends, or they moved forward (married, kids, jobs) and she chooses not to interact with them. I offered to help her with a budget (super number cruncher!), and she is not interested. In fact, she bought herself a $200 pair of boots and a new (expensive) Ipod since last December (and other things as well, my younger sister says). She has champagne tastes on a very cheap beer budget.
My younger sister and I are both very concerned. When I talked to younger sister today, she thought that maybe I should contact older sister's former "bff" and find out if she may be able to help her. My older sister will not listen to any family members. She refuses to discuss anything, and becomes hostile. Maybe former bff can suggest help? I really think my sister needs therapy (at the least), and a giant kick in the ass. She is not in charge of her life at all. How can I help her? Has anyone had a similar situation? I want my sister to have a good life, and she is swirling around in misery. Any suggestions? Throw-away email is sisterdoggydogg@gmail.com. Thank you.
My older sister will not listen to any family members. She refuses to discuss anything, and becomes hostile.
and
How can I help her?
You can't. Don't contact the former bff - they are, I gather, no longer in touch. There's a reason for that, though you don't know what it is. Either your sister cut off contact with the bff, or the bff cut off contact; in either case, bff does not sound like someone your sister would listen to.
You can't help someone who doesn't want help, and she doesn't. The most helpful thing might be for your parents to give her a move-out deadline and then stick to it. But that's between them and your sister.
posted by rtha at 8:13 PM on September 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
and
How can I help her?
You can't. Don't contact the former bff - they are, I gather, no longer in touch. There's a reason for that, though you don't know what it is. Either your sister cut off contact with the bff, or the bff cut off contact; in either case, bff does not sound like someone your sister would listen to.
You can't help someone who doesn't want help, and she doesn't. The most helpful thing might be for your parents to give her a move-out deadline and then stick to it. But that's between them and your sister.
posted by rtha at 8:13 PM on September 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
Stop being entangled in all this.
Encourage your folks to stop enabling.
posted by k8t at 8:17 PM on September 1, 2010 [10 favorites]
Encourage your folks to stop enabling.
posted by k8t at 8:17 PM on September 1, 2010 [10 favorites]
You can't help people who don't want help. That's the bottom line.
posted by inturnaround at 8:20 PM on September 1, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by inturnaround at 8:20 PM on September 1, 2010 [5 favorites]
Why do you care?
I agree. I mean, I know why you care - it's your sister. But she doesn't want help, she is a dangerous trainwreck and I would just save myself by staying as far away from the entire situation as I could. Sorry, it sucks. But man, look after what you can look after, you know?
posted by meerkatty at 8:41 PM on September 1, 2010
I agree. I mean, I know why you care - it's your sister. But she doesn't want help, she is a dangerous trainwreck and I would just save myself by staying as far away from the entire situation as I could. Sorry, it sucks. But man, look after what you can look after, you know?
posted by meerkatty at 8:41 PM on September 1, 2010
This isn't your problem. This is between your older sister and your parents. They're all adults who are responsible for their own choices. All you can do is change your own behavior and not feed the crazy, e.g., not loan her money, not spend time with her, etc.
posted by December at 8:42 PM on September 1, 2010
posted by December at 8:42 PM on September 1, 2010
Yeah, if you've tried to talk to her and she's gotten hostile, then you need to walk away. I don't know legally that there's anything you can do to force her into therapy, since she's an adult and all, so just walk away.
Tell her why you're walking away, and stick to your guns. It's probably the only thing of actual value you can do.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:51 PM on September 1, 2010
Tell her why you're walking away, and stick to your guns. It's probably the only thing of actual value you can do.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:51 PM on September 1, 2010
I think kellyblah raises a really interesting question about your sister's obsessions. You say you think your sister needs therapy. Has she ever been evaluated by a doctor? Would she be open to that?
Other than that, I agree with everyone else that there just might not be anything you can do. And I refer you to this really wise comment by anitanita. She was addressing a situation pretty different from yours, but I think the last section of the comment might be helpful to you, beginning with "[s]o the question is how do you watch someone harm themselves."
posted by Ashley801 at 9:10 PM on September 1, 2010
Other than that, I agree with everyone else that there just might not be anything you can do. And I refer you to this really wise comment by anitanita. She was addressing a situation pretty different from yours, but I think the last section of the comment might be helpful to you, beginning with "[s]o the question is how do you watch someone harm themselves."
posted by Ashley801 at 9:10 PM on September 1, 2010
I don't think you can change your sister or even help her if she doesn't want help. It doesn't sound like your sister is unhappy. What incentive does she have to change?
It sounds like she's living the life she wants - with her dogs and her job working in a dog related business. It's up to her how she spends her money and how much dept she chooses to get into. It also sounds like she's taking advantage of your parents' generousity.
Overall, it sounds like she is leading a life that is completely opposite of how you want to lead yours. I think it's OK for both of you to lead different lifestyles. Your parents are enabling her behavior (probably for a multitude of subtle reasons). If they really wanted her out, she would no longer be there. I think you need to let this go. Let your parents handle their lives the way they see fit and let your sister do the same.
You can choose to remove yourself from her and that would be acceptable. On the other hand, you might want to try to accept that she lives her life much differently than you and try to have some sort of relationship with her. I sense that you are judgemental of her and that's understandable. If you can find it in yourself to accept her for who she is on some level, you might be happier with your relationship.
posted by parakeetdog at 9:27 PM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
It sounds like she's living the life she wants - with her dogs and her job working in a dog related business. It's up to her how she spends her money and how much dept she chooses to get into. It also sounds like she's taking advantage of your parents' generousity.
Overall, it sounds like she is leading a life that is completely opposite of how you want to lead yours. I think it's OK for both of you to lead different lifestyles. Your parents are enabling her behavior (probably for a multitude of subtle reasons). If they really wanted her out, she would no longer be there. I think you need to let this go. Let your parents handle their lives the way they see fit and let your sister do the same.
You can choose to remove yourself from her and that would be acceptable. On the other hand, you might want to try to accept that she lives her life much differently than you and try to have some sort of relationship with her. I sense that you are judgemental of her and that's understandable. If you can find it in yourself to accept her for who she is on some level, you might be happier with your relationship.
posted by parakeetdog at 9:27 PM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
I never understood my brother's obsessions either. He and I were seldom on a similar page. He also made poor choices in mates and developed an anti-social attitude..preferring to spend lots of time drinking and shooting out street lights (with a handgun)! He liked to slaughter his own pigs and make sausage! It was all horrible to me. I think if there had been a Metafilter in the 80's I would have written a question like yours...asking what could I do...but there was no Metafilter, I couldn't figure out how to reach him..and he continued to act very odd in all the intervening years. In 1996 I received a phone call from my brother's wife. My brother had died in a car accident. One thing I remember about that time was how everyone said that he "lived in the manner that he wanted". He lived his own life. His was not a life I would choose--it was the one he chose. I take comfort in that--that he chose what he chose.
I agree with you that your sister's choices haven't been advantageous for her or your parents. However, some people really don't share our interests and they really are entitled to their own. You and I do not like barking pit bulls---but your sister has her reasons why she does. Instead of trying to change her, lend her a supportive ear. If you took the position that you love her with all these quirks and that you will allow her some psychological air (just listen to her and get her to open up to you without sharing your own opinion) my bet is that you could become better friends with her and THEN later you could begin to try to be more of an influence for her. Right now she is seeking solace in her "fur-babies"...many studies show that animals are a great comfort to people who are stressed and otherwise unhappy. Allow her to just bump along in her uneven way and don't judge her. You'd sure miss her if she weren't here...even with all her problems. I compliment you for caring and wanting to help.
posted by naplesyellow at 9:40 PM on September 1, 2010 [8 favorites]
I agree with you that your sister's choices haven't been advantageous for her or your parents. However, some people really don't share our interests and they really are entitled to their own. You and I do not like barking pit bulls---but your sister has her reasons why she does. Instead of trying to change her, lend her a supportive ear. If you took the position that you love her with all these quirks and that you will allow her some psychological air (just listen to her and get her to open up to you without sharing your own opinion) my bet is that you could become better friends with her and THEN later you could begin to try to be more of an influence for her. Right now she is seeking solace in her "fur-babies"...many studies show that animals are a great comfort to people who are stressed and otherwise unhappy. Allow her to just bump along in her uneven way and don't judge her. You'd sure miss her if she weren't here...even with all her problems. I compliment you for caring and wanting to help.
posted by naplesyellow at 9:40 PM on September 1, 2010 [8 favorites]
If your sister and/or parents ask you for help, help them. You can't help your sister without her wanting it.
posted by davejay at 10:53 PM on September 1, 2010
posted by davejay at 10:53 PM on September 1, 2010
Why do you care? By that I mean that she obviously doesn't want help from you. She does seem to be in charge of her life, she just is running it in a way that you hate.
This isn't your problem. . . They're all adults who are responsible for their own choices. All you can do is. . . not feed the crazy, e.g., not loan her money, not spend time with her, etc.
Sometimes "Don't meddle in others' lives unsolicited, merely because they're making choices that you wouldn't have made" is indeed sound advice -- but this is not such an occasion; the sister is not "running her life" but is dysfunctional and depressed; the sister is not only screwing over herself but bogging down the parents' and even siblings' lives as well.
It's certainly the OP's prerogative whether she chooses to reach out or instead to take the attitude "huge waste of my time. . . not spend time with her" -- but the OP has clearly and repeatedly stated that she *does* want to reach out, and is asking us for suggestions about *how* to do so.
When people feel depressed and judged, and correctly suspect that they've screwed up parts of their lives, often the only overture they'll be receptive to is an exaggeratedly nonjudgmental one. Spend a few weeks pretending to like your sister's dogs, inviting her to social events, listening to her prattle on about dogs and even asking questions about them -- and once you've solidly reestablished her trust and gratitude, you've laid a foundation to very gently suggest that she might give your old therapist a try, or that her job expectations may be unrealistically high.
posted by foursentences at 1:30 AM on September 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
This isn't your problem. . . They're all adults who are responsible for their own choices. All you can do is. . . not feed the crazy, e.g., not loan her money, not spend time with her, etc.
Sometimes "Don't meddle in others' lives unsolicited, merely because they're making choices that you wouldn't have made" is indeed sound advice -- but this is not such an occasion; the sister is not "running her life" but is dysfunctional and depressed; the sister is not only screwing over herself but bogging down the parents' and even siblings' lives as well.
It's certainly the OP's prerogative whether she chooses to reach out or instead to take the attitude "huge waste of my time. . . not spend time with her" -- but the OP has clearly and repeatedly stated that she *does* want to reach out, and is asking us for suggestions about *how* to do so.
When people feel depressed and judged, and correctly suspect that they've screwed up parts of their lives, often the only overture they'll be receptive to is an exaggeratedly nonjudgmental one. Spend a few weeks pretending to like your sister's dogs, inviting her to social events, listening to her prattle on about dogs and even asking questions about them -- and once you've solidly reestablished her trust and gratitude, you've laid a foundation to very gently suggest that she might give your old therapist a try, or that her job expectations may be unrealistically high.
posted by foursentences at 1:30 AM on September 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
Incidentally -- if you can muster a sufficiently straightforward and composed tone -- you can explicitly tell her that she's incorrect to vilify your father, without derailing the campaign of nonjudgmentality and trust-building.
posted by foursentences at 1:53 AM on September 2, 2010
posted by foursentences at 1:53 AM on September 2, 2010
My older sister was rejected by the family due to considerable repetitive problems that never really changed over time. I was the only person who accepted her as she was, despite my own desires for her to live a different kind of life.
When she died, a gruesome if not somewhat predictable death, most of the family was still quite angry with her. The whole situation was heartbreaking. I spoke to her shortly before her death and told her that no matter what, she had always been a great sister. I heard later from some of her friends that it meant a lot to her to know that I always accepted her no matter what. This is not to say that in my own mind I wasn't judgmental and thinking I knew what was best for her, but I could also see that behaving in a judgmental demanding way did nothing to help her.
You've received some good advice from others about accepting her and trying not to be judgmental. Listen to her, let her know you want to support her but don't know how to. Whatever your parents choose to do is really up to them. You can still be her sibling and be supportive whatever ends up happening.
posted by la ninya at 3:03 AM on September 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
When she died, a gruesome if not somewhat predictable death, most of the family was still quite angry with her. The whole situation was heartbreaking. I spoke to her shortly before her death and told her that no matter what, she had always been a great sister. I heard later from some of her friends that it meant a lot to her to know that I always accepted her no matter what. This is not to say that in my own mind I wasn't judgmental and thinking I knew what was best for her, but I could also see that behaving in a judgmental demanding way did nothing to help her.
You've received some good advice from others about accepting her and trying not to be judgmental. Listen to her, let her know you want to support her but don't know how to. Whatever your parents choose to do is really up to them. You can still be her sibling and be supportive whatever ends up happening.
posted by la ninya at 3:03 AM on September 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
It is quite common for people to mismanage their lives and to have foolish and self-indulgent strategies of living that are inevitably going to get them into trouble, and they then expect others, often their family members, to help them out of the trouble that they have gotten themselves into. Now, sometimes it is very appropraite to help people, because we can all run into problems in our lives, and no one can foresee and plan for every circumstance that may arise. Life is difficult for everyone, and even very responsible people run into difficulties. However, irresponsible people will never act to solve their own problems as long as there are other people who can be persuaded to solve their problems for them. This is what we know as enabling. Some is financially irresponsible, but others foolishly "lend" that person money (although it is not really a loan because it will never be repaid). As long as this continues, then the financially irresponsible person has no reason to manage money in a responsible way. The strategy works, as long as the enablers continue to enable.
You can still be a friend to your sister, you can still talk to her in a friendly manner, socialize with her, have dinner with her, and so forth, but don't be an enabler. That is not good for you and it is not good for her.
If she loves dogs so much, there is absolutely no reason why she cannot devote the rest of her life to dogs. It is a perfectly valid choice to make. We all get to choose what is important to us in our own lives. (I have often been told that I spend too much time reading science fiction novels, but it's my time to spend. My reading habits do not inconvenience anybody. I do not borrow money from people in order to buy books.) But she has to be prepared to pay for her own housing and to live with her own dogs, rather than inflicting her dogs on someone else who doesn't like them.
posted by grizzled at 5:54 AM on September 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
You can still be a friend to your sister, you can still talk to her in a friendly manner, socialize with her, have dinner with her, and so forth, but don't be an enabler. That is not good for you and it is not good for her.
If she loves dogs so much, there is absolutely no reason why she cannot devote the rest of her life to dogs. It is a perfectly valid choice to make. We all get to choose what is important to us in our own lives. (I have often been told that I spend too much time reading science fiction novels, but it's my time to spend. My reading habits do not inconvenience anybody. I do not borrow money from people in order to buy books.) But she has to be prepared to pay for her own housing and to live with her own dogs, rather than inflicting her dogs on someone else who doesn't like them.
posted by grizzled at 5:54 AM on September 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
She's not going to change unless you do an intervention or cut her off to force her to get herself in gear. No amount of discussion or trying to offer her perspectives will do anything. She's not going to have an epiphany based on some neat turn of phrase from you.
posted by mattholomew at 6:26 AM on September 2, 2010
posted by mattholomew at 6:26 AM on September 2, 2010
It's your parents' responsibility to set a deadline for her to be "on her feet" and out of the house, and it sounds like they don't feel that's an option for whatever reason. Have you tried talking to them about it? If it's a matter of "sister won't deal with dad and mom doesn't feel like she has any power in the situation," maybe you can ask mom what you could do to back her up. If the conversation goes nowhere, though, I suspect that's really as much as you can do.
Maybe I'm wrong about this, but I can't help but think that those dogs are going to be a huge obstacle to your sister moving on, unless she can manage to buy her own property. She is most likely well aware of this, which probably adds to her reluctance to move out of mom and dad's house. If there are ordinances in your area that limit the number of companion animals permitted, or regard "dangerous dogs," she is most definitely in for a tough time. It sounds like there is no way your sister is going to let any of them go unless there is absolutely no other option. She is going to need some compassion from a member of her own species to face that trauma, and any ground you can make in terms of accepting her and offering friendship and emotional support will help.
If your parents get serious about D-Day, you might want to research no-kill animal rescue organizations in your area, and be prepared to make some calls.
posted by trunk muffins at 7:18 AM on September 2, 2010
Maybe I'm wrong about this, but I can't help but think that those dogs are going to be a huge obstacle to your sister moving on, unless she can manage to buy her own property. She is most likely well aware of this, which probably adds to her reluctance to move out of mom and dad's house. If there are ordinances in your area that limit the number of companion animals permitted, or regard "dangerous dogs," she is most definitely in for a tough time. It sounds like there is no way your sister is going to let any of them go unless there is absolutely no other option. She is going to need some compassion from a member of her own species to face that trauma, and any ground you can make in terms of accepting her and offering friendship and emotional support will help.
If your parents get serious about D-Day, you might want to research no-kill animal rescue organizations in your area, and be prepared to make some calls.
posted by trunk muffins at 7:18 AM on September 2, 2010
You do realize she loves dogs because of the unconditional love. People have showed the shitty side to her. She took it hard. She deflects her pain to the dogs who show her love and attention. I feel really bad for her.
The dog that has a bitting history is sad. She's not doing him or the other dogs a favor by keeping him.
posted by stormpooper at 7:29 AM on September 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
The dog that has a bitting history is sad. She's not doing him or the other dogs a favor by keeping him.
posted by stormpooper at 7:29 AM on September 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
While you've detailed a compelling litany of your sister's foolish choices, most of these details (the price of tee times, whether your sister is a dog expert or not a dog expert, your prowess with accounting, your sister's lack of enthusiasm for weddings, the title of this AskMe...) are subjective, more than a bit judgmental, and totally irrelevant. The sister you've described has some potentially very serious problems--But the truth is, most of us have, have had, or will have a variety of problems and (one hopes, temporary) dysfunctions in this complex, wonderful, and sometimes very painful life. Perhaps remaining this emotionally invested in the stewardship of another adult's values and decisions is yours. I think you'd benefit from stepping away for a while. Parent/adult sibling dramas can be so draining and you may not even realize how much happiness and clarity this matter is costing you and your life until you enjoy some space and perspective. At this point, your sister sounds like your parents' problem, not yours. I wish you and your family the best.
posted by applemeat at 7:36 AM on September 2, 2010
posted by applemeat at 7:36 AM on September 2, 2010
The dog that has a bitting history is sad. She's not doing him or the other dogs a favor by keeping him.
This is so very true. In fact, I'm wondering whether any of these dogs are really in the best place they can be. As far as the relationship between Older Sister and Parents, I'm in line with those above who state that there's really nothing you can do - they are all adults and must make their own decisions. However, in your question it seems that at least part of your concern revolves around the way these dogs are cared for - you state that they are "ill-behaved and bark, bark bark," and that their medication was allowed to "lapse," resulting in a potentially very harmful condition.
When your sister spends time with the dogs, is she at least attempting to train them? Is she aware that their behavior is unacceptable? I just keep envisioning one of those pit bulls, particularly the bity one, accidentally getting loose and seriously injuring another dog or even a person. Should that happen, that dog is going to be taken away and put down immediately, and I might not be totally surprised if the other pit bulls were taken from her as well. Not to mention, her experience with the legal system if her dangerous dog mauls someone is not going to be a pretty one. For the sake of those dogs, and for her sake as well, since she does seem to be genuinely attached to them, I would bring up these talking points with her. Yes, it's great that she has their companionship, and I'm not saying that she should get rid of them OMG NOW, but three poorly behaved pit bulls just seems like such a disaster-in-the-making, and they need to be aware of their place in the pack. At the very least, better-behaved dogs might make things less stressful for your dad.
You seem like a devoted, loving sibling and good for you for caring so much about this situation. Start with the immediate problems, and maybe you'll make a bit of headway with the over-arching ones. Good luck!
posted by deep thought sunstar at 8:13 AM on September 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is so very true. In fact, I'm wondering whether any of these dogs are really in the best place they can be. As far as the relationship between Older Sister and Parents, I'm in line with those above who state that there's really nothing you can do - they are all adults and must make their own decisions. However, in your question it seems that at least part of your concern revolves around the way these dogs are cared for - you state that they are "ill-behaved and bark, bark bark," and that their medication was allowed to "lapse," resulting in a potentially very harmful condition.
When your sister spends time with the dogs, is she at least attempting to train them? Is she aware that their behavior is unacceptable? I just keep envisioning one of those pit bulls, particularly the bity one, accidentally getting loose and seriously injuring another dog or even a person. Should that happen, that dog is going to be taken away and put down immediately, and I might not be totally surprised if the other pit bulls were taken from her as well. Not to mention, her experience with the legal system if her dangerous dog mauls someone is not going to be a pretty one. For the sake of those dogs, and for her sake as well, since she does seem to be genuinely attached to them, I would bring up these talking points with her. Yes, it's great that she has their companionship, and I'm not saying that she should get rid of them OMG NOW, but three poorly behaved pit bulls just seems like such a disaster-in-the-making, and they need to be aware of their place in the pack. At the very least, better-behaved dogs might make things less stressful for your dad.
You seem like a devoted, loving sibling and good for you for caring so much about this situation. Start with the immediate problems, and maybe you'll make a bit of headway with the over-arching ones. Good luck!
posted by deep thought sunstar at 8:13 AM on September 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sounds like your sister focuses on the dogs because she perceives them as the one thing in her life that 'needs' her.
posted by matty at 8:43 AM on September 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by matty at 8:43 AM on September 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
if the dad is retired, and hates the dogs because they bark, perhaps it might help if it was casually and gently suggested that he take them for walks? (just a thought, I suppose it's occurred to him already)
posted by serena15221 at 11:36 AM on September 2, 2010
posted by serena15221 at 11:36 AM on September 2, 2010
To add on to what Deep Thought Sunstar said - I don't know how old your parents are, or if they are "elderly" or what, but if these dogs are poorly-trained, have a history of biting, and there is a pack of them - what if they attacked one of your parents? Besides the injury and legal issues, the guilt could be overwhelming.
If your sister were just sponging off your parents and not taking responsibility for herself - well, that's maddening, but something that is between your sister and your parents as long as no elder abuse was involved. That, you have to detach from and realize that your parents' enabling and your sister's dependency aren't anything you can do about and you are not responsible for them.
But the dog issue has the potential for real danger. If your sister won't listen to you, maybe she will listen to a lawyer or dog-rescue person?
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:45 AM on September 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
If your sister were just sponging off your parents and not taking responsibility for herself - well, that's maddening, but something that is between your sister and your parents as long as no elder abuse was involved. That, you have to detach from and realize that your parents' enabling and your sister's dependency aren't anything you can do about and you are not responsible for them.
But the dog issue has the potential for real danger. If your sister won't listen to you, maybe she will listen to a lawyer or dog-rescue person?
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:45 AM on September 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
She has a photography degree, and takes pictures of...dogs. She does dog artwork.
This sounds like a career waiting to happen. Does she have talent? If so, I'd be encouraging her to advertise for clients (putting up flyers @ local vet offices, etc). If there's one thing pet owners love it's a good photo or art rendering of their beloved furbaby. Maybe starting something like this would improve her self esteem and give her enough income to get her out of your parent's home.
posted by zarah at 11:25 PM on September 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
This sounds like a career waiting to happen. Does she have talent? If so, I'd be encouraging her to advertise for clients (putting up flyers @ local vet offices, etc). If there's one thing pet owners love it's a good photo or art rendering of their beloved furbaby. Maybe starting something like this would improve her self esteem and give her enough income to get her out of your parent's home.
posted by zarah at 11:25 PM on September 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
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