NSFWfilter: get a grip!

September 1, 2010 11:10 AM

A question about tightness. NSFW.

This question is academic. I'm not asking how to change anything, I'm just interested to understand. I'm not going to bring it up with my girlfriend because nothing needs to change.

My girlfriend and I have been having sex for about half a year. At first, she was very tight when I was inside her. She hadn't had any partners for over a year before we met. After a few months, she feels about average to me. Also, at first she was somewhat able to orgasm in the missionary position. Now she doesn't. This isn't a problem (we do other positions, she hasn't raised any concerns to me about the change), but it seemed to correlate with the change in tightness. Also, we got a bit more vigorous around the time of the change, but I'm not sure if there's a correlation there.

This isn't a problem - the sex is still great. I'm just interested in what's changed. I'll admit ignorance - I have no clue what would change, and it seems odd to say that it's different, but it really does seem different.

I've read a few things online that suggest that a woman can be tighter if she's not very aroused (I.e., the vagina expands during arousal), but I don't think that explains it, as she had no problems with lubrication or orgasms earlier.

I'm curious what changed - Any ideas?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total)

She most probably can adjust how tight she is with muscles. Ask her to try, you might like it a lot. Maybe that's it, maybe it isn't.
posted by oxit at 11:27 AM on September 1, 2010

Kegels might be an idea. I hear good things.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:29 AM on September 1, 2010

The vagina is a muscle - it relaxes and contracts based on a variety of factors.

Here are some possibilities:
(1) Perhaps your penis is a little bit larger than previous partners, so for awhile her vaginal muscles tensed up. Now that she is more familiar with you, they do not tense up as much.
(2) Perhaps you have adapted to the feel of her vagina - it's not really any looser, you've just adjusted to the sensation.
posted by muddgirl at 11:43 AM on September 1, 2010

The tissue does actually stretch, and can contract somewhat if it's not consistently being stretched - what you describe has definitely been my experience with dildos, which I use infrequently and sometimes with year-long gaps in between sessions. She doesn't feel as tight because she isn't as tight, is all.
posted by restless_nomad at 11:44 AM on September 1, 2010

2nding the notion that perhaps you've just gotten more used to it. Also 2nding the idea of kagels (if she's down for that). Muscular control down there can be pretty fucking awesome. In fact, you should try it yourself. Boys can do it, too.
posted by Gilbert at 11:55 AM on September 1, 2010

Don't discount the possibility that she's just become a lot more relaxed with you over the last six months, either.
posted by davejay at 11:59 AM on September 1, 2010 [5 favorites]

Boys can do it, too.

Oh yeah, and you may have become more relaxed with her as well. There is much wisdom to what Gilbert mentions above.
posted by davejay at 11:59 AM on September 1, 2010

As a woman who has gone through a few dry spells, I can tell you that one does tighten up after a bit without sex, plus the nerves of being with a new partner tense the muscles, and dude, it is not as comfortable during the readjustment period. It's not that the sex is bad or unenjoyable, especially because hey, there's a hot new naked person to do it with. It's just a bit more ouchy and sore, especially afterward. You're getting a better feel of her 'normal' tone in a sexual relationship, and getting used to how she feels in general.

Another point, though: Kegels are fine and all, and they are usually beneficial for everyone, unless their physicians advise otherwise.* Not just for individual sexual benefits, but because--PRO-TIP FROM A GYNO'S CHILD, NOT AWKWARD AT ALL, THANKS DAD!--pelvic floor strength and (more importantly) the ability to flex and relax the muscles consciously is associated with reductions in vulvar pain and oversensitivity, and extreme pelvic floor tone is linked to hemorrhoids, etc.

However, I--and my dad, again, Dad, thanks for sticking up for women, but awkward dinner conversation--do get a little irked when people are like 'she can totes make herself tight again for you with Kegels!' Yay Kegels, but let's not get into accidentally casting them into the role of the 'husband's stitch.' Squeezing a man's penis often feels really good to everyone.** Being 'tight' is not always as pleasurable an experience.

*some forms of vulvodynia seem to be aggravated by regular ol' Kegels.

**exceptions that end up in the ED noted.
posted by Sandford Police Service at 5:11 PM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

Mod note: few comments removed - please do not fuck up threads by derailing about whether people are faking orgasm, it seriously makes this place suck. Thank you.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:17 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

I basically agree with everything Sandford Police Service said. I've experienced tightness (stiffness of the vagina muscle, if you will) after not having sex for a while, and it was unpleasant.
posted by anaelith at 6:45 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

In case repetition is good, I agree with most of the above. She's getting more comfortable with you; she might be getting more turned on (which is not at all the same as more orgasmic); more sex usually equals more relaxing/loosening; etc. I'd also add that sometimes lubrication and relaxation are hard to tell apart -- a dry vagina feels "tight" even though it might not be, and wetter and slipperier feel less tight.

If she gets into kegels and controlling her muscles, you might end up a really happy guy. Tight is sort of ok, but what is really fun is someone who can actively control her muscles down there.
posted by Forktine at 8:07 PM on September 1, 2010

in my personal experience, the answer to this question has to do with the aforementioned relaxation of muscles that comes from having a partner you’re used to, and the amount of lubrication that comes from being aroused. i think there should be a distinction made regarding tightness (muscles) and friction (lubrication). i get wet and lubricated really easily and quickly from minimal foreplay, and also spontaneously squirt, which is kind of a drag sometimes because i love the friction of a semi-dry vagina. i’m going to assume that you’re doing your job and we’re not talking about the friction that comes from lack of foreplay or nervousness from a new partner and just address the tightness of muscles. you can still be tight and wet. tightness can be affected by a few things.

like size: not just yours, but hers. smaller girls (generally) have smaller vaginas. i enjoy the occasional fisting session, and when i first started getting fisted, i did wonder about the overall effect it would have on my vagina. but the vagina is a wonderfully elastic creation, and it can expand to fist-sized (and baby-sized) proportions and contract to the same proportions as when you start. i’m petite and reasonably active, and i still get the same comments about tightness before i started putting fisting on my list of sexual activities i enjoy, almost a year ago. so no, guys, your penis is not just that huge that you've permanently contoured her vagina.

orgasms: sure, you can grip a guy intentionally with your vajayjay muscles, but if a girl is really turned on and orgasming repeatedly, her vagina will do that of its own accord. maybe it’s less: “is my girl doing her daily kegels?” and more: “am i doing enough to get her off?”

and... ya know... you can always try anal! :)
posted by jamaisvu at 7:16 AM on October 30, 2010