Dating With Herpes

August 30, 2010 2:31 PM

What do I do as a gay man who may have Herpes?

Hey everyone, I'm back after a long hiatus. I'm in a real fix right now and would love to hear your advice. (I'm sorry in advance if anything I say is too graphic....)

For almost four weeks now, I've had what looks like a pinkish discoloration down there on the underside. It doesn't hurt, there haven't been any blisters or fluid, but I can't think of what else it could be besides Herpes. Anyway, I'm going to the doctor in a few days to find out for sure. I'm not that sexually active but I fooled around with a guy (i.e. frottage) in late July and I'm guessing I got it from him even though we never had sex and I didn't see anything on him. I got tested for HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia a few weeks ago and everything was negative. But I fear the worst and I'm wondering if I can ever expect to date again if I get a positive Herpes diagnosis.

A lot of people, like Dan Savage, say it's not a big deal. You can go on suppressive therapy and take proper precautions with people to whom you've disclosed your status. But Herpes carries a social stigma that is hugely disproportionate to the suffering it causes. My family and friends say that I'm very good-looking and some are surprised that I'm single but I've never fared too well in the gay dating world in the 3.5 years since I've been out. I'm guessing that Herpes would be an instant dealbreaker for most people. I browsed through the three Herpes dating websites that came up in a Google search (including H-Date) only to find that on each website about 30 to 35 gay single men are on them in NYC where I live. Obviously, that's statistically impossible. A lot of people are lying or just don't know they have the virus. It's kind of hard to expect romance to happen if you have 35 people to choose from. Right now I feel as though I'll be condemned to celibacy. I'm not the horniest guy at all but that's a harsh reality to accept.

Sorry to be so pessimistic. I feel disgusted with myself and my actions but if people have stories/advice to share I'd love to hear it.

posted by cscott to human relations (7 answers total)

Don't put yourself down, and don't overreact until you get a diagnosis. Even if it is herpes, stay cool. Lots of people (including famous celebrities) have herpes. Lots of people have herpes and don't know it. And lots of people have herpes, but they won't acknowledge it.

You can't beat yourself up over this. Breathe. It'll be okay!
posted by camcol at 2:41 PM on August 30, 2010

1) Quit freaking out about having herpes until a doctor tells you you have herpes.
2) If you have herpes, the challenge is to find someone to date who's interested in you for being you - not for the herpes you do or don't have.
posted by awesomebrad at 2:41 PM on August 30, 2010

First let me say: see your doctor BEFORE you start freaking out. You may be misdiagnosing your self.

I'm a straight woman, but I found herpes not to be a huge problem when dating. It made casual sex less frequent and a little less casual. I never felt that I had to only date other people with herpes though I would occasionally tell a guy I had herpes only to have him say, "Oh really? Me too!"

Telling people is nerve racking and difficult at first but gets easier. I always tried to tell people the date BEFORE I thought we might want to start some sort of fooling around. A few (less than 5) guys balked and I never heard from them again but most did some research, asked me some questions and then we went on to have an awesome, healthy sexual relationship. It also helped me to remember that a guy choosing not to have sex with me because I had herpes wasn't a reflection on me or a rejection. They were just making a choice and I think most of them just didn't like the idea of having to be SO careful all the time, something I could totally relate.

You don't have to be disgusted with yourself. At worst you made a mistake, one which lots of people make, and maybe ended up with more far reaching consequences. Herpes certainly made me feel a little ashamed and self-conscious for awhile but it faded.

I'd be happy to answer other questions if you want to memail me. Sorry this happened to you. Contracting any STI sucks.
posted by Saminal at 2:51 PM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

You have just an area of discoloration? Definitely wait and talk to a doctor before you let this get you down. I went to get something checked out recently that I'd been convinced was somehow STI-related. Not only did that turn out NOT to be the case, the doctor was somewhat incredulous that something so minor would have led me to that conclusion, or to his office.

People overthink their junk. And with good reason I suppose, but honestly try to put it out of your mind until you know you have reason to worry.
posted by hermitosis at 3:05 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

As a gay man who has HPV, let me reassure you that an incurable viral diagnosis will not spell the end to your dating life and will not require that you shuffle off to a convent to die a lonely celibate death.

I remember the feeling that you're having now: Oh. My. God. My. Life. Is. Over.

I was mortified when I discovered the symptoms, and immediately told the guy I was seeing that I thought I might have HPV, though I assured him that in our fooling around he had not been near them and that he was probably okay. Rather than berate me for potentially putting him at risk, rather than telling all my friends that I was a skank, rather than avoiding me like the Typhoid Mary I presumed myself to be... he came over for coffee and asked what this meant for us. Whether we should continue seeing each other. Whether *I* was interested in continuing to see *him*.

I was floored.

HPV has changed my sexual practices somewhat, but it hasn't changed the regularity with which I have sex. I have had several boyfriends in the two years since I was diagnosed and treated for HPV. The most common reaction to disclosure is "Oh, doesn't like, everyone have that?" And then we have sex.

But here's the thing: you wont believe me or anyone else until you experience this for yourself. Go get tested. Get diagnosed, if in fact it is herpes. Get on a treatment. And figure out how you plan to disclose this to future sex partners. There are a lot of helpful threads right here on MetaFilter which will assist you in crafting the perfect disclosure. And then get back out there.

Only when you do this, and reaffirm that you *are in fact* going to have sex again, will you start to feel better about this. I promise.
posted by greekphilosophy at 3:26 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Excellent counsel above. As a straight guy who's had herpes for decades, I can confirm it feels terrible for a year or so, you feel dirty and scared and wonder if you'll have sex again and how you'll talk about it etc. It's true you've got to disclose before you get too close, that's just basic ethics--it's the other party's choice whether to proceed, not yours. But I've never once, not once, had anyone say it's a dealbreaker, and in some cases it brought us even closer together, even before actual sex. I guess that's the power of truth-telling and creating trust. Like any other part of you that you can't change, you manage it. I think you'll find it's not a very big deal in the long run. But I remember how awful it felt at first, and I feel for you.
posted by fivesavagepalms at 4:33 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Your symptoms do not at all indicate herpes from what you say. So you probably don't have it.

You say you feel "disgusted with myself and my actions"... that's a little harsh on yourself for just a little messing about. You did nothing wrong. Maybe during all this STD testing you could talk to a counsellor about attitudes and expectations regarding sex and STDs?
posted by kevinsp8 at 4:56 PM on August 30, 2010